Latest / Welcome to The Vineyard Podcast with Montoya Williams / “The Exhaustion No One Talks About | Emotional Burnout, Loneliness & Toxic Relationship Cycles”|Season 5 Ep 4

Transcript

“The Exhaustion No One Talks About | Emotional Burnout, Loneliness & Toxic Relationship Cycles”|Season 5 Ep 4 · Welcome to The Vineyard Podcast with Montoya Williams

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Finger Podcast where her identity in Christ becomes the foundation for a healthy Christ-centered relationship.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Hi, love.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time here, we welcome you.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: And before we begin, we always start by inviting God into the conversation.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: So, Lord, thank you.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for the hearts that you have led here.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: I ask that you anoint my voice to speak what needs to be spoken.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: And I ask that you bless our ears to hear what needs to be heard.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: And I ask all these prayers in your name, Jesus Christ.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: So, hi, love.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: Can I love you enough to tell you the truth today?
0:51
SPEAKER_00: That is indeed the question.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: Some women are not simply tired, they are simply emotionally exhausted.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: And that's what I want to talk about.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: Because that's the message.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: That's impossible.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: Exhausted from caring relationships emotionally.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: Exhausted from pretending they're okay.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: Exhausted from surviving disappointment.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: Exhausted from trying to hold everything together by silently falling apart.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, some women have become so familiar with emotional heaviness that they no longer recognize what healthy emotional peace even feels like anymore.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: And the reason being is because exhaustion doesn't always look loud.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like still going to work.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Still smiling, still serving, still showing up for everyone else.
2:22
SPEAKER_00: I remember when I worked.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: Because I just wanted some peace.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: I had worked Monday through Friday and I was exhausted.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: Exhausted from smiling.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: I was exhausted from serving.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: I did not want to be met with that same environment on the weekend that I had to face again on Monday morning.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: And so I was exhausted.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: I was just simply exhausted within my job.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: Because my job was not my long life works.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: So it felt like a job.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm still working.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm smiling like right now as I'm sharing this message.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: I can go on and on.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: And I'm not even looking for an off switch because I'm working in my calling.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: And I'm no longer exhausted because I'm able to actually dwell in my calling, which does not make me feel exhausted.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: More so, I have a husband who actually supports my calling.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: And this was no surprise to God because, of course, I prayed and asked God to send me my husband.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: He took me on a journey, prepared me for my husband.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: And once I took all the lessons and I passed enough tests for him to feel confident that I wouldn't run him off, he sent my husband.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: It's hope in that exhausting story.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: I want to speak directly to that woman that is privately struggling internally.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the woman who feels lonely.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Even when people are around her, she still feels that spirit of loneliness.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: I want to speak to her today.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: Because my heart is full for the woman by the name of love who feels the spirit of loneliness that is not easy to feel.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: That's a heart feeling.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: Sacrificing her emotions.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: Because deep down she's fearing doing life alone.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been in these relationships for years and so afraid of having to start all over again?
6:42
SPEAKER_00: So afraid of losing all those years that you invested so much of yourself into, so afraid that you have built that man for the next woman to just pick up and just flourish with.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: So instead of sacrificing the relationship, we choose to sacrifice our emotions.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: And so we hide how we really feel for the sake of being able to maintain security within that relationship.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: My heart goes out to the woman who keeps shrinking herself in her relationships.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about shrinking herself trying to make someone else feel bigger.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: It's sad, but it's true.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: That sometimes we can be in a relationship with our partner who is suffering from some things that are bigger than us, actually suffering from some things that don't even have anything to do with us.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: And there's a need on their end to feel bigger.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: And so, as a result of that need to feel bigger, it sometimes requires us to feel less, to shrink.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: So that ego within our partners can elevate, can rise.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: Sad, but true.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: Shedding some grace on our partners, we all have some things within us that are not perfect.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes the grace just has to start with us.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: But I'm also speaking to the woman who has spent years carrying hope inside for her relationship that continuously drains her emotionally, carrying hope.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: One day this relationship is gonna turn into something more.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: One day I'm no longer going to be just the girlfriend.
9:41
SPEAKER_00: One day I'm going to become the wife.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: One day I'm gonna be worthy enough in his eyesight to become his wife.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: So we're carrying that from day to day.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: Hope after hope, year after year.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: One day he's gonna see my value.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: I remember the day.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: I remember the day of being in, I don't even want to call it a relationship because I didn't even have a title.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: I don't even recall being a girlfriend.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: But I was there in that space year after year.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: Did not have a title, was not the girlfriend, was trying to get him to marry me, to see that I was worthy of being married.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
10:56
SPEAKER_00: I found out years later, he knew that I was not inside of that space for good reasoning, that I didn't really desire to be in that space.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: I just desired the benefits of what that space gave me and could give me.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Does that sound familiar?
11:24
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're actually present in hopes for the relationship turning to a marriage just so that we can gain stability, benefits.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: So not what I should have been doing, so young in my mind, but so to place.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: After that space ended, I made an executive decision over my life to date for what I desired, not for the benefits of what that space could give me externally, and that was the greatest decision of my life because now I'm married by the grace of God.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: That was a lesson I had to learn, and I had to seek for God to help me.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: And I'm grateful that he shed grace upon me and gave me another chance to get it right.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: But I'm speaking to that woman by the name of love, who may have been me once, or she may even be her right now.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm speaking to her today.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: We call in truths for what they are.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to the woman who no longer even knows who she is outside of survival.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, love, there are women listening to me right now who are emotionally exhausted in a completely different way.
13:49
SPEAKER_00: There's a woman that feels alone the moment the house becomes quiet.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: Can I tell you that my hope in Christ is that we live long to empty the nest and enjoy life after the nest has been emptied?
14:15
SPEAKER_00: But I desire to be able to not feel alone in my marriage.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: I desire to be able to sit quietly with myself without the noise.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Can I tell you that there are moments where I want my husband to take the baby and just give me thirty minutes?
14:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking, just let me sit with me.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you, the best time I have is when I can sit with me and recalibrate my peace.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: And it's a wonderful feeling, it really is.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: But mostly and mainly, it's necessary.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: Because if we don't take control of those emotions centered around that thought, as soon as the children leave, as soon as the distractions stop, suddenly we will realize we have built our entire emotional stability around people being present in our lives.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever found yourself having to make an excuse to have someone be present physically in your life?
16:23
SPEAKER_00: Because being alone or sitting with yourself just feels too heavy.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: Have you found yourself traveling from town to town, from place to place, from store to store, from one activity to the next activity, and just staying busy to avoid having to do the daunting, which is just quietly sit with yourself and gather your own emotional stability.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: There are women who are still settling for relationships beneath what she truly desires because instability scares her more than the dysfunction itself.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: She totally tolerates inconsistency, she tolerates the control, she accepts the emotional crumbs, she accepts half-love.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: She accepts the situationships, the confusion, not because she enjoys the pain, but because disappointment simply feels safer than uncertainty.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: And then there's the woman who is so desperate to feel chosen that she remains in toxic behavior that she renames just to emotionally survive it.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: She calls it something else.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: Red flags become maybe he's just hurting.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: Manipulation becomes maybe he just loves hard.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: Control becomes he's just being protective.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: And eventually, love, your standards slowly disappear.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: Beneath the emotional desperation.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: Then there's the woman who spent years hiding herself inside the relationship, making herself smaller, quieter, less visible, less powerful.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Not because she lacked greatness, but because she believed shrieking herself would make love stay.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, love, many women are exhausted because they have spent years abandoning their true selves emotionally, just simply trying to maintain the relationship, trying not to intimidate people, trying not to lose people, trying not to offend people.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: My goodness, everyone wears their feelings on their sleeves.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: If someone says something with a different tone, if the pitch is a little bit louder than normal, or if the comment is a little bit too direct, we're totally offended.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: And we make it about us.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: But not once do we ask ourselves what is it about that truth statement that offended me?
20:48
SPEAKER_00: But that's the woman by the name of love.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: She's carefully watching her pitch.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: She doesn't want to speak with authority because it may interrupt someone else's world.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: So she tries her best not to offend people.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: She don't want to be seen as being too much.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: So she rests in being too little.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, God never called her to disappear inside of love.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: God never called her to disappear inside of her relationship.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: I am so growing from day to day into who God has called me to be.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: And can I tell you that I'm so grateful to have a husband.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Can allow me to be who God called me to be.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: Nothing more refreshing.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: Let's speak to the woman by the name of love who is grieving heartbreak right now.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the woman who truly believed this is finally the one God sent me.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: And now she is confused.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: She's trying to understand what in the world happened.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the heartbreak is not only about losing the relationship, sometimes the heartbreak is grieving the future.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the future.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: We already emotionally built in our mind.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: We as females we come out of the womb thinking about our wedding day.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: Picking out the wedding dresses, the flowers, the wedding guests, the honeymoon.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: We're already planning these things.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: And the better the relationship grows, the more plans we make.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: And when we run into a matter where that relationship goes away, all of our dreams and plans and future thoughts also go away.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: Heartbreaking.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, love, there are some women who are married who are also emotionally exhausted.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: They went down the aisle.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: They had the wedding of their dreams.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: And now that they're inside the marriage, they're silently carrying resentment.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: There's a disconnection between them and their husbands.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: There's a spirit of loneliness even on the inside of the marriage.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: So you don't necessarily have to be single in order to be lonely.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: There are some married couples who are actually lonely on the inside of their marriage.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: There are couples that have been married for years that suffer in a spirit of loneliness.
25:18
SPEAKER_00: Emotional neglect in relationships.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: Women who no longer feel emotionally safe inside their own marriages.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: Women who have slowly watched intimacy disappear while surviving, responsibilities increase, and women who have become emotionally invisible while helping everyone else succeed.
25:43
SPEAKER_00: And then there's the woman who's trapped inside emotionally controlling relationships.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: I'm speaking this truth, and my heart goes out.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: To the woman who no longer recognizes their own strength because fears have slowly become normal.
26:07
SPEAKER_00: Women are isolated emotionally in relationships.
26:13
SPEAKER_00: They're isolated spiritually in relationships, they're isolated mentally in relationships.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: Sad, but so true.
26:25
SPEAKER_00: Where the men are suffering with their own issues in life.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: And as a result, the women are isolated.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: If your partner can get you to just avoid going to church, avoid reading the Bible, avoid listening to a spiritual message, then perhaps the relationship can stay safer because there's no wisdom coming into the receptives.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Don't matter.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: Their thoughts are superior.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: And can I tell you, sometimes in marriages, this spirit enhances because there's a level of control and a level of mind manipulation as it relates to the gender roles that sometimes comes into effect as it relates to marriage.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: No woman created by the God that I serve was designed to live emotionally in prison inside of fear.
28:11
SPEAKER_00: And there's the woman who hides inside productivity.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: The woman who pours herself into work, into dream, into business, into serving, into motivational content, encouragement, because staying busy feels easier than confronting the pain inside of the relationship.
28:37
SPEAKER_00: And eventually, success becomes a distraction that keeps the woman by the name of love from addressing what's emotionally breaking her.
28:50
SPEAKER_00: There's a woman listening right now who have accepted less for so long that unhealthy behavior now feels normal.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: Like she has literally normalized unhealthy behavior, giving boyfriend treatment at wife expense, financially struggling while carrying relationships, overgiving, hoping to receive love in return, trying to earn what should just naturally flow through healthy partnership.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, many of these women are not lacking intelligence at all.
29:53
SPEAKER_00: They're lacking emotional healing.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: Because healed women recognize differently.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: Healed women discern differently.
30:09
SPEAKER_00: Healed women choose differently.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: Heal women require differently.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: And this is why healing matters.
30:29
SPEAKER_00: Not simply so you can find love, but so you can stop abandoning yourself while trying to keep love.
30:41
SPEAKER_00: Healthy Christ-centered relationships should not require you to lose yourself emotionally in order to maintain the relationship or the ones inside it.
31:00
SPEAKER_00: And maybe today, love, God is not trying to shame you.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's trying to wake you up gently.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's trying to show you're exhausted because you were never meant to carry emotional survivor in this way.
31:28
SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's trying to remind you that you're still worthy of a healthy love, a healthy Christ-centered relationship.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: You're still worthy of emotional safety.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: You're still worthy of peace.
31:52
SPEAKER_00: You're worthy of healing.
31:55
SPEAKER_00: You're worthy of being seen.
32:02
SPEAKER_00: You're still worthy of being led back to yourself through Christ.
32:11
SPEAKER_00: And maybe for the first time in a very long time, you're finally becoming honest about what your spirit has been feeling all along.
32:22
SPEAKER_00: Exhausted.
32:25
SPEAKER_00: Not weak, not broken, not too much, just exhausted from surviving emotionally.
32:36
SPEAKER_00: And love, that exhaustion deserves healing too.
32:42
SPEAKER_00: I really want you to stay close.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: Because next week, I'm going deeper inside the vineyard.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: And I want to go deeper with you.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: So until next time, I encourage you to stay anchored in Christ and covered in love.
33:07
SPEAKER_00: And we will chat again soon.