Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #435 Teaching Kids to be Unselfish

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#435 Teaching Kids to be Unselfish · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now being selfless is easy, when being selfless is fun.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot aum Channel nine's parental guidance co host,
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  Speaker 2: parenting expert. I'm here with Kylie. Well, still not quite
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: here with Kylie. Kylie. Hello, Hello, I just want to
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  Speaker 2: make sure you're there. We are not in the same
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  Speaker 2: room when I'm in the same studio. For those who
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  Speaker 2: have missed the podcast lately, Kylie is away. Kylie has
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  Speaker 2: moved the family to the coast. We're moving to the coast.
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  Speaker 2: In our entirety is a family in a few weeks time.
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  Speaker 2: Right now, Kylie is there with the kids in rodin school,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm still in Brisbane packing up the house, getting
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  Speaker 2: the trades to come through and make everything ready for
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  Speaker 2: it to be sold, and missing you terribly. But at
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  Speaker 2: least we get to record the podcast together each day.
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  Speaker 3: That's the highlight of my.
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  Speaker 2: She says as she lounges on the beach watching the
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  Speaker 2: waves roll in. Because you've done that. I want to
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  Speaker 2: share something absolutely awful with you. But it's it's got
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  Speaker 2: to be. It's got to be done, whether you like
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  Speaker 2: it or not. We have got to do this because
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  Speaker 2: in the last week or so, baby Shark has become
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  Speaker 2: the number one YouTube clip ever in the history of
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  Speaker 2: the world, with more than ten billion views. How does
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  Speaker 2: that happen?
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  Speaker 1: Baby checked it, Baby checked it, baby shake?
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  Speaker 2: And I just wanted to share that with you, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: because if you're going to be on the beach on
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  Speaker 2: the sands of the coasts, wouldn't it be great to
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  Speaker 2: have that buzzing through your head?
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  Speaker 3: Oh? Thank you, thank you very much.
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  Speaker 2: That kind of ties in with our topic today. We've
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  Speaker 2: had somebody send us a message and say, my kids
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  Speaker 2: are so selfish? How do I teach my kids to
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  Speaker 2: not be so selfish? And we thought that we would
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  Speaker 2: answer that because like this happens, right, we look at
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  Speaker 2: our kids and we think, oh, my goodness, how did
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  Speaker 2: I birth you? How did I raise you? Haven't I
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  Speaker 2: taught you better? How's it going with the selfishness with
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  Speaker 2: the kids? I mean, you're in a three bedroom, one
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  Speaker 2: bathroom unit with four daughters right now. I've got one
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  Speaker 2: of them down here. The other ones moved out and married.
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  Speaker 2: How's the selfishness going around the bathroom? In that little
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  Speaker 2: unit that you're in.
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  Speaker 3: There's a rule now that you actually can't lock the door.
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  Speaker 3: There's only one bathroom. You just have to deal with
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  Speaker 3: the fact that you may be walked in on at
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  Speaker 3: the moment.
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  Speaker 2: So when I arrive on the weekend so that we
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  Speaker 2: can share some time together, can we change that rule? Please?
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  Speaker 3: There's no lock.
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  Speaker 2: There's really there's no lock on the door, not in
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  Speaker 2: the bedroom, but brought about in the bathroom.
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  Speaker 3: Oh yes, in the bathroom you can lock the door.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, you confuse me for a second. And next week
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  Speaker 2: we're going to follow up on the you know what.
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  Speaker 2: Before we get to this idea of selfishness, there's one
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  Speaker 2: more thing that I've got to mention. A couple of
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  Speaker 2: days ago, we had a conversation of Caught in the Act.
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  Speaker 2: You remember that podcast episode?
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  Speaker 3: How could I forget?
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  Speaker 4: Well?
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  Speaker 2: One of our employees, one of our team members I
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  Speaker 2: won't mention, which shared her Court in the Act story
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  Speaker 2: with me the other day. Oh oh yeah, the baby
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  Speaker 2: monitor was downstairs. Oh and so were the entire family.
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  Speaker 2: While she and her husband were in the bedroom and
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  Speaker 2: everyone heard everything. No, isn't that terrible? Anyway, We're all
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  Speaker 2: over the place with this podcast. You're on the coast,
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  Speaker 2: I'm in Brisbane. Baby Shark has had more than ten
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  Speaker 2: billion views and is the most watched YouTube clip in
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  Speaker 2: the history of ever. And we've had somebody who was
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  Speaker 2: caught in the act in a way that you would
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  Speaker 2: never want to be caught in the act. Let's talk
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  Speaker 2: about the topic for today, Kylie, teaching our kids to
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  Speaker 2: be less selfish. So the kids are fighting over the bathroom,
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  Speaker 2: and there is that temptation, isn't there Like when you've
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  Speaker 2: got lollies and no one else has got it. It's
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  Speaker 2: kind of fun, isn't it to just go? Oh? Like
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  Speaker 2: when you were a kid, did you used to eat
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  Speaker 2: your ice cream slower than your sisters so that yours
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  Speaker 2: would last longer, And then they would look at you
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  Speaker 2: longingly as you continued to lick that ice cream right
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  Speaker 2: in front of their faces.
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  Speaker 3: Never, Oh, I hated.
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  Speaker 2: And what about bags of chips? You'd buy a bag
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  Speaker 2: of chips and eat your chips really slowly, one creaking No, I.
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  Speaker 5: Don't know how to do anything slowly, but my sister.
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  Speaker 5: She did that all the time. She used to literally
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  Speaker 5: we'd get Mars bars as kids.
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  Speaker 3: That was a really big treat for us.
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  Speaker 5: And she would eat all of the casing of chocolate
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  Speaker 5: on the outside first, and then she'd eat the newga
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  Speaker 5: layer and then she eat the caramel layer until she
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  Speaker 5: ate the last player. What a mess, but what it
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  Speaker 5: was the most painful thing to watch because I'd finished
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  Speaker 5: mine like half an hour ago.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, so I mean. And I used to
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  Speaker 2: do that to my sisters and my brother all the time.
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  Speaker 2: I just tease them and I would literally as they'd
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  Speaker 2: finish theirs, I'd still have half a packet of whatever
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  Speaker 2: it was left, and I'd go, m this is so
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  Speaker 2: good as I ate it in their face, in their face,
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  Speaker 2: so selfish. So we've got this parent who's saying, how
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  Speaker 2: do we help the kids to not be so selfish?
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  Speaker 2: And you know what, my first.
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  Speaker 3: Tip is, tell me tell me now.
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  Speaker 2: First tip. This is so weird doing a podcast with
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  Speaker 2: you and having you not in the room. My first
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  Speaker 2: tip is, remember what you were like as a kid,
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  Speaker 2: because my guess is that you probably weren't the angel
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  Speaker 2: you think you were, and there's probably maybe I'm revealing
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  Speaker 2: too much about myself, but there's probably some history there.
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  Speaker 2: There's probably a whole lot of things that you did
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  Speaker 2: when you were a kid that were selfish, that were entitled.
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  Speaker 2: Parents are always saying, oh, my kids are so entitled.
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  Speaker 2: But do you remember, Kylie, were you entitled as a child?
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  Speaker 3: If you ask my mum, I was the perfect child.
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  Speaker 2: Right, Actually, your mum does speak very highly of how
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  Speaker 2: good you were. But I think that's a.
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  Speaker 5: Really important concept here, is that more times than not,
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  Speaker 5: our children won't display selfishness one hundred percent of the time,
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  Speaker 5: and if we are constantly focused on the times that
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  Speaker 5: they do, we actually miss the times that they're not.
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  Speaker 5: Before we actually started, according you when I spoke about
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  Speaker 5: our children and the different characteristics that they demonstrate, and
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  Speaker 5: we've got a few kids who from time to time
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  Speaker 5: can be really really selfish.
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  Speaker 3: But then you highlighted a bit.
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  Speaker 5: Hang on a sec, you know, think about this time
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  Speaker 5: and this time and this time, and all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 5: it's like, well, actually, you're exactly right.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, when you change the way you see your child,
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  Speaker 2: you actually kind of change your child. You actually change
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  Speaker 2: who they are, You change the way they exist. You
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  Speaker 2: get a different child. It's kind of like when you're
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  Speaker 2: looking for all of the problems, you'll find them, but
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  Speaker 2: if you only look for the good stuff, you'll see
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  Speaker 2: that as well. And that's really what we're talking about
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  Speaker 2: with these kids. I mean, sometimes I look at them
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  Speaker 2: and think no, just no. And other times I think
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  Speaker 2: you are such an angel. You are so sweet, you're
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  Speaker 2: so unselfish. That was so kind, and so I think
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  Speaker 2: we've got to just remember that. Oh and you know
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  Speaker 2: what else, Kylie, let's just look at us for a moment.
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  Speaker 2: As parents like you and I and any parent who's
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  Speaker 2: listening to this, we get cranky.
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  Speaker 3: You can never ever share a wisp bar.
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  Speaker 2: You get cranky. Well, we get cranky at the kids.
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  Speaker 2: I won't share my wheel bars full stop in story,
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  Speaker 2: Like my wheeze bars are not negotiable.
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  Speaker 3: You don't even share them with me.
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  Speaker 2: Their dad's special treat, but every parent has. Maybe it's
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  Speaker 2: maybe it's not about sharing treats or something like that,
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  Speaker 2: But every now and again, as parents, we like, I
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  Speaker 2: just want some time for me. I just I want
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  Speaker 2: to be selfish for half an hour. I want I
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  Speaker 2: want to go to the toilet in peace, for goodness, sakes,
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  Speaker 2: and I think that as parents we.
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  Speaker 3: Have that being selfish.
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  Speaker 2: Well, no, and I'm not saying that that's selfish. I
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  Speaker 2: think that it's a basic human right to be allowed
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  Speaker 2: to toilet.
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  Speaker 5: I think about our girls, and I think about the times.
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  Speaker 5: You know, a context matters. If you've got a child
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  Speaker 5: who's been working a part time job and she saved
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  Speaker 5: up some money and she's brought herself a beautiful new
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  Speaker 5: dress and her sister walks in twenty four hours after
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  Speaker 5: she brought it and asks if she can wear it to,
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  Speaker 5: you know, her friend's birthday party, and she says no.
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  Speaker 3: Is she being selfish?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? What a great question. And that's something that every
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  Speaker 2: family is going to navigate as they as they deal
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  Speaker 2: with kids who have just received that Christmas present or
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  Speaker 2: that Birthday present? Do you have to share your birthday
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  Speaker 2: present an hour after you unwrapped it and pulled it
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  Speaker 2: out of the box. We sometimes and I think this
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  Speaker 2: kind of ties in with the second thing that I
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  Speaker 2: want to highlight, and that is the developmental realities. Sometimes,
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  Speaker 2: our expectations, sometimes our children's capacity to do things comes
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  Speaker 2: down to the context. It's everything, And I'm glad you
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  Speaker 2: raised it after the break. Three more ideas to help
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  Speaker 2: your kids to be less selfish. It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: of Disciplined as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 8:38
  Speaker 5: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 5: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
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  Speaker 5: talking about how we can teach our children to not
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  Speaker 5: be so selfish.
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  Speaker 2: Three other ideas that I think can really help to
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  Speaker 2: reduce selfishness with our kids. The first one that I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to recommend Kylie, is basic manners. Like there's some
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  Speaker 2: people we'll say kids don't need manners. I'm not going
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  Speaker 2: to teach my kids manners. They can use their man
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  Speaker 2: as if they want to, but I'm not going to
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  Speaker 2: enforce it. I'm not going to demand it. And I
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  Speaker 2: reject that idea for the fundamental reason that when you
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  Speaker 2: teach children manners, you're teaching them to be considerate of others,
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  Speaker 2: You're teaching them to take perspective to have some empathy,
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  Speaker 2: to express a level of gratitude, even if it's a
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  Speaker 2: basic level of gratitude. I think that if we want
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  Speaker 2: to have kids who are not selfish, we need to
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  Speaker 2: teach them to say please and thank you. We need
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  Speaker 2: to offer them that guidance. My fourth idea, Kylie, for
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  Speaker 2: helping us to raise children to be less selfish is
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  Speaker 2: to actually make helping fun.
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  Speaker 5: We've talked about there's lots on the podcast over the
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  Speaker 5: years of different things that we do to kind of
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  Speaker 5: encourage our children's participation.
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  Speaker 3: Around the house.
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  Speaker 5: Our hands down most successful, I want to say tactic
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  Speaker 5: would be our ten minute tidy. Yeah, put on some
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  Speaker 5: fun music and you know, it can be as loud
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  Speaker 5: as the neighbors can take or not, and everybody just
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  Speaker 5: gets in and gets stuff done.
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  Speaker 2: There's kind of this expectation in our kids' head, isn't there,
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  Speaker 2: that if I'm going to do something selfless, it's going
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  Speaker 2: to be hard and horrible and I'm going to miss out.
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  Speaker 2: Whereas when I'm selfish it kind of feels good because
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  Speaker 2: I get what I want. And by reframing it by
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  Speaker 2: making helping fun, not only we considering the perspective another
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  Speaker 2: person we've got some empathy and recognize that there's a
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  Speaker 2: contribution that everyone needs to make. But being selfless is easy.
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  Speaker 2: When being selfless is fun, When the kids can, like
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  Speaker 2: you said, crank up the music, when they can have
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  Speaker 2: time together with us, it makes it much easier to
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  Speaker 2: be selfless rather than selfish.
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  Speaker 5: I'm hoping that we've got some polarity out of all
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  Speaker 5: of the things we've shared.
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  Speaker 3: So can we just do a recap?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, let's do a quick summary. So, first of all,
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  Speaker 2: your kids are kids, and you're probably selfish when you
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  Speaker 2: were a kid. They're probably selfish when they're kids, and
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  Speaker 2: that's normal, it's developmentally appropriate. And they're not always selfish.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes there are anything, But sometimes they're so giving and
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  Speaker 2: so selfless. So let's focus on that stuff rather than
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  Speaker 2: the rough stuff and just accept that the rough stuff
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  Speaker 2: is going to exist.
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  Speaker 3: We talked about basic manners.
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  Speaker 5: Teaching our kids to say please and thank you and
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  Speaker 5: having a sense of gratitude and being able to articulate
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  Speaker 5: the things that they're grateful for would really help.
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  Speaker 2: And the last couple of things we talked about was
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  Speaker 2: make helping fun because it's really easy to be selfless
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  Speaker 2: when you're enjoying yourself and encourage psychological flexibility. We really
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  Speaker 2: hope that you've enjoyed the Happy Families podcasts, even if
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  Speaker 2: it's coming to you in a kind of a strange way.
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  Speaker 2: Can't wait to see it, Kylie. The Happy Families podcast
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  Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: is our executive producer. And if you like more and
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: ful about making your family happier, especially how you can
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: be better together as a couple, We've got a brand
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: new webinar coming up for Happy Families members. It's included
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: in your membership. If you're not a Happy Family's member,
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  Speaker 2: this is one that you won't want to miss. All
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: of my best relationship hacks and tips, all of their
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: science and evidence to help your relationship thrive of even
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: with the kids around. For more and visit happy families
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: dot com today you
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  Speaker 3: M