Latest / Mathis Family Talks / Who Has Your Child's Back? | Ep. 6

Transcript

Who Has Your Child's Back? | Ep. 6 · Mathis Family Talks

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: How do you raise your kids to be selective with
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: their friends and know that your friends have your back
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: or if they don't.
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: People are on those floors, that tenth floor in the
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: house is you're very cherished, your most cherished assets. Only
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: your best closest friends get that.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I remember you guys always say like, don't subside by
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: pure pressure and always laugh at that. I always want
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: to be like, I am the pressure. I'm serious.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: And that's again me as a parent, is that those
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: years when you don't have good desension baking.
• 0:36
  Speaker 4: I'm judge Greg Matthews and I am Linda Mathis. Welcome
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: to Matthew's Family Talks. All right, folks, today we're talking
• 0:51
  Speaker 4: about training boys to men or raising boys to men.
• 0:56
  Speaker 4: And we know how big of a topic that is
• 0:58
  Speaker 4: now based on what we've seen happen with Nolan Wells
• 1:03
  Speaker 4: down in Mississippi who came up missing after going out
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: on the boat with his buddies. And you all were
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: raised in both environments, a black environment predominantly and then
• 1:15
  Speaker 4: a white predominantly environment as boys and as men, and
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: so that's what we want to talk about today.
• 1:25
  Speaker 5: How do you navigate that? What are the fears that
• 1:28
  Speaker 5: we may have as parents, and I think in.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: General, just like the company and the friends that you keep,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: like raising men, the friends that you keep. You know,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: we came from certain socioeconomic levels of friends and hanging
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: out with suburban friends versus our friends back in Detroit,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Beverly Hills, things like that. It's all different, but overall
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: it's the friends that you keep. How do you raise
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: your kids to be selective with their friends and know
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: that your friends have your back if they don't.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: And for me, I mean, at a baseline, I just
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: think about what a real friend does and how you
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: gauge those friends. And I'm sure we'll get into this more,
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: but for me, it's like a friendship is improven when
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: everything is easy. It's proven when you can tell your
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: friends hard truths, when you can get them out of
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: an unsafe situation, even when it might make them angry
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: with you. I've had friends who were too intoxicated and
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: maybe their life was in je you know, their safety was.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Around you, and you were too intoxicated. What happened?
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: So how do you build friends and friend groups that
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: keep you safe, keep you moving through this world, keep
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: you growing so that you can go from a boy
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: to a man.
• 2:38
  Speaker 5: And yeah, and once again a lot of private out
• 2:41
  Speaker 5: of respect for privacy for Nolan Wells family, But that's
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: hitting it right on the head. These guys were his
• 2:49
  Speaker 5: real friends that they passed the test of friendship. Were
• 2:53
  Speaker 5: they doing something wrong, were they part of something that
• 2:56
  Speaker 5: went wrong, who was part of it, et cetera. So
• 3:00
  Speaker 5: it's once again, which one of those friends do you trust?
• 3:04
  Speaker 5: Do I trust going on the boat to a island
• 3:10
  Speaker 5: with guys who I'm not convinced are good friends of mine,
• 3:14
  Speaker 5: are their associates and therefore have less concern for my
• 3:19
  Speaker 5: life or for the dangers that I might face. And
• 3:24
  Speaker 5: so I think that's important. As you say, to know
• 3:27
  Speaker 5: what type of friends do you have?
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: You have?
• 3:29
  Speaker 6: I'll say this.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: I wanted, first of all give my condolences to the
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: family of Nolan Wells, you know, and to his parents,
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: you know, because I feel as a parent, in raising
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: especially boys, that's one of your biggest fears is your
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: child not coming back home.
• 3:48
  Speaker 6: And as parents, you know, we.
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: Delve into our faith and we say, you know, we
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: pray about our kids and we ask God to protect them.
• 3:58
  Speaker 6: But unfortunately we still have that fear.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So have a question, did you all have any fears
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: about us and our friends growing up? When did that
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: start and what were your fears?
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: You know, I'll say it's when when you guys were
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: elementary school age. You just want your especially your boys,
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: not I'm not gonna say especially for your boys, but
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: your children in general. We're talking about boys to day.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: You want them to have friends that instill what you're
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: teaching them, at least, you know, have some type of
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: residents of that.
• 4:32
  Speaker 6: And so when you're in elementary school, even with.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: You guys, I saw people that you call your friends
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: who I felt, No, I don't see that that's really
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: your friend.
• 4:43
  Speaker 6: Oh yes, in elementary school.
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: And I'll tell you what one of the clues for
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: me was just watching the interaction and how they treated you,
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean. I know one friend I
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: can remember most definitely. I could just listen to what
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: he said, and it was always that a put down.
• 5:02
  Speaker 6: It was always a put down. And so to me,
• 5:04
  Speaker 6: that's a negative friend.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: So when it comes to a point where it might
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: be decisions to make, and if you're following that friend,
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: I don't think you're gonna make the right decisions.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I mean, you know, black culture as kids and stuff.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: I feel like there is more of a culture of
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: bullying kind of and picking on people. And you know,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: but it comes from still when you do it, a
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: sense of it's not a sense of like hate. It's
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: just like the culture. Because I remember when I moved
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: to the suburbs as a kid, you know, Bates, we
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: used to go outside at recess, used to make fun
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: of people, have your Mama jokes, do all those things.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: And then once you do it, once you do it
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: in the suburbs, it was like people took it emotionally.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: So but I do understand that some people took it
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: too far.
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: A fine line, most of the fine line between teasing
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: and joking and having a negative spirit.
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: Well, let me put this in context, and that is
• 6:04
  Speaker 5: you're absolutely right, I got in trouble or they will
• 6:07
  Speaker 5: talk to me at Warner Brothers about me making some
• 6:11
  Speaker 5: off set comments to black young black men. That was
• 6:16
  Speaker 5: kind of capping as we were not capping. Y'all call
• 6:19
  Speaker 5: it cappin now truth or lie. But back in the day,
• 6:22
  Speaker 5: it was playing the dozens.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: They do what I do? Now, what's that I have
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: to check you with? That? Oh about playing a dozens? Whatever?
• 6:32
  Speaker 5: Yeah, But my point is playing a dozens and I'm
• 6:35
  Speaker 5: getting a little deep with this, it really can. That's
• 6:38
  Speaker 5: why it's black culturally. Uh, predominantly came from when we
• 6:43
  Speaker 5: were enslaved and the black men were in the field
• 6:48
  Speaker 5: and being oppressed by the master. When he came around,
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: you couldn't say anything. He degraded you, and so he
• 6:57
  Speaker 5: taught you that degradation was a way to get at
• 7:01
  Speaker 5: each other. Well, they couldn't talk back to him, so
• 7:06
  Speaker 5: what did they do? They talked back to each other.
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: They teased each other, and so that continued, like most
• 7:13
  Speaker 5: vestiges of our three hundred years sojourn, that continued up
• 7:19
  Speaker 5: into adulthood. And just like you said, black culture you are,
• 7:24
  Speaker 5: that's exactly what you do in Black culture is played
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: a dozens. You get the white folks, they take it serious,
• 7:32
  Speaker 5: get angry and like what doing as to me? Why'd
• 7:36
  Speaker 5: you say that? So that's the difference that we've seen,
• 7:41
  Speaker 5: and a lot of what we see between you guys
• 7:44
  Speaker 5: as well is race based. So my question would be
• 7:47
  Speaker 5: what else did you notice coming up as boys that
• 7:51
  Speaker 5: was race based? Different among when you lived in Detroit
• 7:55
  Speaker 5: with overwhelmed majority black population and schools and vice versa.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Well, I love that you broke it down that way,
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: because it's important to make that distinction that if you
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: do think or observe that in certain situations, black culture
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: has the dozens and you play the dozen.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: There is a reason for that. It is the direct
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: vestiage of slavery and the trauma that was created within
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: our people from that.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: And so I think about they will each other's therapists.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: We go to black folks, not go to therapists. They
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: dugged each other as therapist. And you told me, you know,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: your question was what difference did we notice? Right?
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: And the difference is that black coats when we were
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: when and I was in black schools, we played the dozens.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: We traumatized each other to a certain extent. And that's
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: just the truth.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Of the culture. You know.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: When we what I noticed is it was more common
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: than suburban high income schools for people to be therapizing
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: each other and supporting each other because that's the culture
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: that they have ingrained in them and their you know, society,
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: while ingrained and our you know, pitting us against each
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: other with the vestiges of slavery and everything.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Jim Crow that came after.
• 9:06
  Speaker 5: That grabs in the barrel, which still affects us. One
• 9:08
  Speaker 5: goes up, try to pull him down. All those things
• 9:11
  Speaker 5: of vestiges. But yeah, what else did you I term them?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: What different? You know? I read this article about one
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: of the hardest things is when you're in that middle
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: line of the socio economic of being a black man.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: You know, in terms of if you're a wealthy black person,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: you can't relate. You're not you're not white, and those
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: are your peers around you, so you can't fully relate
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: to them. And then also it's hard to relate to
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: people who are in the lower socio economic novel than
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: you are. And I felt like I experienced that a lot,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: to where there were so many pools of great stuff
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: on both sides, but there are also a lot of
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: negative things, like you know, when I we talked about
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: code switching a few episodes ago and our experience, it's
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: a lot of that. I had to learn how to
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: really do that because when I went back to, you know,
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: hang out with my friends in Detroit, I used get
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: picked on for talking too good and talking in a
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: certain way. And then I went back to the suburbs,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: and that you get picked on the same way, and
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: so there are not picked on but called out for
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: certain things. And so you know, that was just the
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: daily I had.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: One thing I want to say is that I know
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: when we transition from inner city to suburban schools, I
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: noticed that the children there in suburban schools and their
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: parents there was a different level of freedom, a different
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: level of freedom that I think us. You know, you all,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: as black parents, probably did not have raising black boys
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: because we can't move through the world the same way
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: that they do. They don't have to worry about whether
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: or not when their child makes a mistake, what happens
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: when a white child versus a Black child makes a mistake.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: There is so much freedom, so much, I hate to say,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: of a.
• 10:55
  Speaker 5: Joy in black community. To destruct your behavior, you have
• 10:59
  Speaker 5: to worry about more or so it's violence and being
• 11:02
  Speaker 5: a victim of a crime, uh and engaging in criminal
• 11:06
  Speaker 5: activity based on peer pressure, because in some of the
• 11:09
  Speaker 5: lower socio economic communities it's either you pray or predator.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: That's how I grew up.
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: That's one type of adverse circumstance you have that we're
• 11:21
  Speaker 5: fear We were fearful love at least I was in
• 11:25
  Speaker 5: Detroit all right, are they gonna go with the crowd
• 11:29
  Speaker 5: that wants to be cool and want and bullied or
• 11:33
  Speaker 5: are they gonna be bullied on? Those are things that
• 11:35
  Speaker 5: went through my mind when you got out here. It
• 11:38
  Speaker 5: was all about are they gonna become alcoholics and dope
• 11:41
  Speaker 5: fiends in the next five to ten years because that's
• 11:44
  Speaker 5: what happens.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: That's what question like. So when we were teenagers, what
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: did you fear most about our friends?
• 11:51
  Speaker 6: When when you were teenagers? What scared me more?
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Out we were out in Lady Hills is a new environment?
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Did you have a question? Did you I think that
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: we were what we were being peer pressured? I guess.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: I think most children deal with peer pressure. So when
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: it came to you all, I felt the peer pressure
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: would be drugs and drinking, and as a mother raising boys,
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: that was my biggest fear, and of course things come
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: and play with that when it comes to driving when
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: you were old enough to drive, so most definitely was
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: drugs getting involved with drugs.
• 12:30
  Speaker 6: Because that's a habit you that could.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: Be a lifelong habit, you know what I mean, And
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: that's very detrimental and devastating to your life. So I
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: think the number one fear is being getting involved with drugs.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: So let me ask you because we did move out
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: from Detroit to or we you know, so let me
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: add one second.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: So let me ask because we did.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Switch from going to schools in Detroit to going to
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: schools out in LA with a lot of really wealthy kids.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: And I guess I know what strategies that you all
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: put in place specifically to make sure that you did
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: keep us ground, that did keep us level headed through
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: our adolescents and into adulthoods, especially with a big move.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: Like that, make sure you go back to Detroita.
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: And one thing, one thing to be noted is the
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: fact that we had the opportunity to move to LA earlier,
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: and I was like, no, I don't want to raise
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: my children in that environment. This is probably in two
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: thousand and by two thousand and five, you guys had
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: matured it had to be about our family and my
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: fears and making sure you guys were safe through your
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: to me most developmental years, yes, but sure developmental years.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: And you asked, you want to move to LA and
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: I know, I don't want to raise my kids there.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: And so we stayed in our area until two thousand
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: and five.
• 13:51
  Speaker 6: You guys were four or five years older, and that
• 13:54
  Speaker 6: question was asked again by you, and I.
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: Was like, yes, you know, I think we got them
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: to a point where they have enough of what we're
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: trying to teach them into them that they don't fall
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: into easily fall into those areas.
• 14:09
  Speaker 5: And so what you hear is in socio economically challenged communities, uh,
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: those cities you have, the poverty rate is so high.
• 14:20
  Speaker 5: Poverty comes with crime, and so you have a lot
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: of uh, you have a you have a and impoverished
• 14:27
  Speaker 5: communities with poor education systems that lead to criminal activity
• 14:34
  Speaker 5: that is bred from generation to generation. Even if you're
• 14:38
  Speaker 5: not you're living in that culture, whether you're engaged in
• 14:41
  Speaker 5: criminal activity or not. And then in white suburbs are
• 14:44
  Speaker 5: living in the culture where a lot of black I'm sorry,
• 14:47
  Speaker 5: a lot of white kids are drug and alcohol users.
• 14:51
  Speaker 5: And that's their fear, and that's socio economic So that's
• 14:55
  Speaker 5: the difference I see. And that's why that was my
• 14:58
  Speaker 5: fear in la and my fe in Detroit was you
• 15:01
  Speaker 5: all being bullied or becoming part of the destructive culture
• 15:06
  Speaker 5: that comes with impoverished communities.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: So I'll say this, and it's you know, drugs a
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: little bit different because drugs has to cost money to
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: buy with alcohol. Did you think there was a big
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: difference between the suburbs in the city, like people drinking
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: in high school and stuff.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Well, I didn't go to high school in Detroit public schools.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: I was already into Burban schools at that point because
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: I just know that, Like.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: I would say, the reason I was asking about this
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: peer pressure thing is because I always thought that you
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: all thought that, oh, Mirror's gonna be uh, you know,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: he's he's peer pressured by all this stuff. You know,
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: we used to get in trouble sometimes drinking and stuff
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: like that. Pear pressure where every like in here in
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: the la everything. But I remember Greg and I we
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: used to throw big house parties in Detroit at the
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: house and the.
• 15:54
  Speaker 5: House in the predominantly white neighborhood, of course, but you
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: have people, there's a lot of like that was rich
• 16:00
  Speaker 5: white folks. Again, Kamara had some parties with her friends.
• 16:08
  Speaker 5: They was going wild.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: You know, you didn't know about things, and neither did I,
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: but we're hearing about them now. We get you guys
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: had parties galore under our under our supervision. But the
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: ones that weren't supervised by us because we were out
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: of town.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: So me and Greg always got caught because the two
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: times were through some big, big parties. They stole all
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: the laptops in the house, right, Yeah, and then Kamara
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: she had some part I'm just saying, like, I think
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: that the big thing is drugs that I saw rather
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: than alcohol, because I think that.
• 16:40
  Speaker 7: Everyone you had access to alcohols, communities with access, and
• 16:46
  Speaker 7: I think that there was more access to being able
• 16:48
  Speaker 7: to afford hard drugs out here than there was.
• 16:52
  Speaker 5: You know, perhaps you're right because I think there's a
• 16:56
  Speaker 5: more use of marijuana. And uh so your economic challenge neighborhood,
• 17:02
  Speaker 5: black neighborhoods, black high schools, drinking and smoke.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: Smoking is supposed to drinking and snorting, and so that's
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: what I.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: See and just to put in in this day and age,
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: and you guys didn't have to go through that, but
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: just how easy it is to get peels now.
• 17:16
  Speaker 6: So I'm glad you guys didn't grow up in that year.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Well, I just.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: I think that with more resources, comes can oftentimes become
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: more problems. And I think that's why I was trying
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: to understand just how you are going from again I
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: hate to keep harping on this, but more maybe middle
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: class lifestyle where we were in Detroit public schools, to
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: raising us in an extreme amount of wealth around us,
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: extreme amount of access to things. I mean, kids are
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: different culture that we were around. Kids make mistakes, But
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: how did you all really wrap your head around putting
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: us in this environment that was I'm sure unfamiliar to
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: you all as well.
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: I have a very different view of how we came
• 17:58
  Speaker 5: to la of a very different view of how we
• 18:03
  Speaker 5: moved out of Detroit in the richest communities in Michigan.
• 18:07
  Speaker 5: And always say that because folks said, why you move
• 18:10
  Speaker 5: out the city? I want you all to live the
• 18:12
  Speaker 5: highest life of quality that exists. That's what Martin Luther
• 18:16
  Speaker 5: King and they fought for equality. We want to live
• 18:19
  Speaker 5: the same equal, rich lifestyle. But nonetheless I wanted to
• 18:24
  Speaker 5: stay in Detroit because you know, I thought we would
• 18:28
  Speaker 5: my contribution to Detroit would be more impactful. So I
• 18:31
  Speaker 5: remember us riding around because I think Mama was more
• 18:35
  Speaker 5: interested in.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: A higher level of quality of life then I was.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: At one point, you know, through my childhood, we moved
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: to the suburbs, so I was not negative against the suburbs.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: And it's just a different way that we grew up in,
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: what different thought we had. You know, he was just
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: he was a Detroit City of Detroit employee and so
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: he had a lot of environment in the community community
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: in Detroit. But what I saw, we did. We did
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: look in Detroit and you sided, our kids still can't
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: go outside unsupervised, right to the store.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: I remember getting on the corner and there was.
• 19:14
  Speaker 5: A gas station right there outside of the most expensive
• 19:18
  Speaker 5: neighborhood inside Detroit, and you could not ride the bike
• 19:22
  Speaker 5: there because there was one block over from the most
• 19:24
  Speaker 5: expensive So I said, I'm not going to move a
• 19:27
  Speaker 5: place where my kids can't ride their bike to get
• 19:30
  Speaker 5: get an ice cream bar. And that's what convinced me.
• 19:34
  Speaker 5: I remember giving you all three choices. I remember saying,
• 19:38
  Speaker 5: that's stay in Florida. I mentioned another city, and then
• 19:43
  Speaker 5: I said, and y'all said no. I might have said
• 19:45
  Speaker 5: Atlanta or DC. Y'all no, no, And then time I said, la, yes.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Well, and in terms of raising boys, why did you
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: why was it such a fear for you and why
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: did you want to choose Florida over California or something
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: like that?
• 19:58
  Speaker 5: Because of just what we've observed since we've been here, and.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Lack of.
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: Depth and the destructive lifestyle that it is very prevalent
• 20:13
  Speaker 5: in La You know, people call it La La Land
• 20:17
  Speaker 5: for a reason.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: So that's the reason.
• 20:22
  Speaker 5: And Florida was much more traditional, even though it has
• 20:27
  Speaker 5: a lot of racism like Michigan. And that's the one
• 20:30
  Speaker 5: thing I like about the coast, if you will, the
• 20:33
  Speaker 5: East coast and the West coast, there's less racism. And
• 20:36
  Speaker 5: why because most of the people are a little higher educated,
• 20:40
  Speaker 5: and the more you're educated, the more critical analogies you
• 20:43
  Speaker 5: can make and you say, Okay, this is why black
• 20:46
  Speaker 5: folks live like this is because this is what happened
• 20:49
  Speaker 5: in their history.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: You'll get back into us friendships and growing up, did
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: you all? It's funny because you all used to a
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: lot of parents out here were different in terms of
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: wanting to know where their kids were, wanting to know
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: the address of where they were going and stuff. You
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: all kept those values where like, you wanted to know
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: and it kind of eased off our junior senior year
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: in high school, but you wanted to know addresses, locations
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: where we went. You wanted to know when we were leaving,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: if a parent was going to be there, can we
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: speak to the parents talk about like that old school,
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: like those old school thoughts and if like, do you
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: recommend that we shoot our children like that?
• 21:28
  Speaker 5: And think no, because it didn't work. You called, you
• 21:33
  Speaker 5: came home at age fourteen to fifteen, said you over
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: at your friend's house and the parent served y'all the drinks.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: So whatever we did, I'm not gonna didn't work. Yeah,
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna. And that is just such a difference
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: in cultures. Again, we're talking about a shock to your point,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: fourteen fifteen years old, having a super rich There was
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: a specific incident I'm not going.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: To name, probably different from me is, but go ahead.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: It probably was, but five hundred people at imaging party
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: on the lake a CEO of a very prominent company,
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: and it was in the papers. So if you know
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: how to research, you can go back and find it
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: got in the papers because the cops came and five
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: hundred students busted it up. His wife got a ticket
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: and everything. It was like a big thing, all in
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: the papers. But you were there a black I just
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: feel like that was not a thing. Were you their
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: black household?
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Were you there. Yeah, I was there. Oh I wasn't thinking.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: I wasn't at that, Okay, you know, I had to
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: run and hide and every oh wait is that when
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: we ran into the bushes we hit out. But it
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: was just such a difference because that's just something I'd
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: never experienced growing up.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: I would say that, uh, yes, you always told us
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: when we were younger, and I never trusted you with it.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: But they would be like, that would be like, if
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: you ever want to smoke weed for the first time,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: let me know, because I smoke it with you. Just
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: you know, I want you. I want to be there
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: to see you when you want to drink the first time,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: I'll drink it with you. I ain't believe that I
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: didn't feel like I was in a safe space when
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: you said that, Yes he was. He was like you want,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: and so I was smart enough to know that was
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: con you didn't seem like a safe space. But what
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I will say is that I feel like that is
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of parents' mentality. Oh, if you're gonna drink,
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: drink in the house, drink in the basement. But they
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: take it too far because it should be okay, Yeah,
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: I know these kids are going to drink alcohol because
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: kids are going to drink alcohol. But I'm not gonna
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: provide it. I'm not gonna let you will willingly take
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: it from our bar. I'm not going to do these things.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: But what I will do is when your friends are
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: leaving the house, I will smell their breaths. I will
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: make sure that they're okay to leave the house. Things
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: like that. But I think that there's a big difference
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: between providing than knowing that it's going to happen, and
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: it's better if there's supervision around it.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: Well, I think responsible parenting is not letting your children
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: feel that they haven't pass to drink to do drugs,
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: because responsible pairing to me is like we used to do,
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: is lock it up. No, I'm not serving it to you,
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: I'm not serving it to your friends. I'm not going
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: to allow you to because you are immature at this time,
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: not gonna allow you to even have access to it
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: in my house. So most definitely had a chain on
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: it with a lock. Now I think you all found
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: the key one time.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah. But with that though, I feel that if you
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: believe that you are stopping everything that you're doing because
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: you're locking it up, and stuff. You kind of uh
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: like hide yourself from the reality, because I will say
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: that there and you were very good at catching us
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: because you just knew. Used to kisses on the kiss
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: you on the cheek before we went to bed. Every
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: time we came in.
• 24:56
  Speaker 6: Yeah, tests and everything else.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: Testing we came but because he.
• 25:01
  Speaker 6: Didn't trust you all to do the right thing.
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: You are, but we're between that age of being immature
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: and trying to fit in and all that stuff, so
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: we as parents, he had to protect you doing that.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: I'm curious, like, I guess, do you remember any of
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: the rules we used to have. I know we had
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: a curfew, we had we had to call, you know,
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: parents had to call for sleepovers.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: We have to be home. Yeah, sometimes I could only
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: we could only go out with each other. Yeah, that
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: was true. We always wanted this paired up just and
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: I would say this, that is a big theme of
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: this episode is surrounding yourself with friends and good people,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: which I guess that makes sense. And we're fortunate to
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: have each other because our situation wasn't as hard as
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: other people have it because we were one year apart.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: We were always yeah, we were always there to keep
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: each other safe. Well, let's talk about friend greg and
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: a mirror. Who do you consider friends? How do you
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: determine whether a person is your The baseline for me
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: is can I connect with you?
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: Like?
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: What do we connect on? That's the baseline, you know,
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: for introducing the friendship, and then when you get deeper
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: into a friendship, it's can you be honest with me?
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: Can we hold each other accountable? Can we work through
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: and talk about life's milestones? Can we build things together?
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: That's what I consider your friend.
• 26:22
  Speaker 6: So things you share. Seeing that's good faith and honesty and.
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: Seeing that's again as me as a parent, it's that
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: those years when you don't have good decision making, when
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: you're making friends and you want to impress your friends.
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: That was my fear that you are. You came into
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: a whole different environment and wanting to fit in. You know,
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: That's how I proceeed that you're going to want to
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: fit in. Are you gonna try? Are you going to
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: do the same things that everybody else is doing? Or
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: will you hold fast and say, well, I'm not into
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: that and these will be my friends over here because
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: they don't do that, or they don't do it excessively
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: like somebody else, When do you get to the point
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: as a young man to be able to make those
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: decisions and make them correctly?
• 27:06
  Speaker 6: That's that's the scary parts.
• 27:08
  Speaker 5: And I think that that is the question. That's the
• 27:11
  Speaker 5: question exactly. I think science has answered that question. But
• 27:14
  Speaker 5: go ahead, I mean, just hear the science after him,
• 27:16
  Speaker 5: because I know you the science.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying that that is the question that to
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: be honest, And it just hit hit me right now.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: We never really have to ask that question because we
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: had each other, like Greg was my best friend in
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: high school, like you are. What do the people know
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: us as in high school? Greg and Gregg? Greg? Amir?
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Greg and Amir? Oh? If we showed up without each other,
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: where is your brother? That was a Even now it
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: is so strange to me that we're not strange. But
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: I like the fact that I can comfortably hang with
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: your friends. You can comfort me with my friends. We
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: have a friend that's going on the bachelor party, and
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: we're both going to the bachelor party in September. I
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: mean I was surprised because you know, we didn't we
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: got the invitation separately, but he was invited to my
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: friends parents party. I had no idea, your brother going
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: with you, Yeah, making sure that we were that you
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: were your you were your brother's keeper. How do you
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: determine your friendships? I think that my friendships are truly
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: determined by who I can be my true self around.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: And you know, it's not even that's such a blanket statement,
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: but people, you know, I get people tell me all
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: the time, like, why do you have so many white friends?
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: Why do you have so many rich friends? Why do
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: you have so many friends who aren't like and I
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: have black friends and everything, But it's few because I
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: say that my friends are a product of who I
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: grew up around, and out of that product that I
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: grew up around, I hand select the few people that
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: I trust who know me completely. Every single one of
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: my friends that I have right now, I've been friends
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: with since I was twenty twenty, and I'm still friends
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: with friends from elementary school. Ruey Miles debating that's fifteen
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: years ago, right, correct. But it's it's like I don't
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: have a lot of new friends at all, and so
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: I'm not a person that would trust a new person
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: coming into my life at this time in my life
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: and giving them one hundred percent access to my emotions.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: And that's what you know, because I weeded out throughout
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: so much of my life the bad friends. And I
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: think that you know, so people say that I'm like,
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: these are like color, race, whatever, you know. Even with
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: the people that I date in things, it's like people
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: who I can be my genuine self around, and it
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: has it goes past you know, race and all those things,
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: because this is a person that I trust with my life.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: This is a person that I trust when I'm around
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: they make me feel good. There's a person all of
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: my friends make me feel good. The ones that don't
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: I pushed back. The friends that I know that don't
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: have my back all the time, I pushed back the
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: ones that caused me stress, pushed back, and vice versa.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I have friends who I know who have distanced themselves
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: from me based on how they view friendship. And I
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: completely accept that because I do the exact same thing.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 30:27
  Speaker 5: I'm sure you face a lot of envy too. That's
• 30:30
  Speaker 5: what you have to be careful of with associates and
• 30:34
  Speaker 5: or friends. But I determine friendships. You use the biggest
• 30:37
  Speaker 5: word trust and the other's relatability. We have to relate
• 30:43
  Speaker 5: to each other identify with each other, and for example,
• 30:48
  Speaker 5: I would not be able to identify with your friends
• 30:52
  Speaker 5: or their parents. And the fact is, my friendships are
• 30:58
  Speaker 5: based on who are identified with, As I said, because
• 31:02
  Speaker 5: the people I identified with, that's who I am most
• 31:06
  Speaker 5: endeared to the people I've identified with.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: Up until the.
• 31:10
  Speaker 5: Age forty, which is the case, I had lived in
• 31:14
  Speaker 5: a amongst sixty to eighty percent black folks related to them,
• 31:18
  Speaker 5: I had grown up in poverty, engaged in criminal activity.
• 31:22
  Speaker 5: But by all my friends, my closest friend, of my
• 31:29
  Speaker 5: ten closest friends in life, the majority of them went
• 31:36
  Speaker 5: to prison and I still now my best friends. That's
• 31:40
  Speaker 5: what I'm saying. My best ten friends right now, the
• 31:43
  Speaker 5: majority have gone to prison as as high nine months
• 31:48
  Speaker 5: in jail, and we all relate to each other because
• 31:51
  Speaker 5: we all grew up in poverty and the street life.
• 31:54
  Speaker 5: So we still identify. And how did I give you
• 31:57
  Speaker 5: off some of that? I think you all can say
• 32:00
  Speaker 5: I made you all come around and listen to us
• 32:03
  Speaker 5: because I wanted you to be able to relate to
• 32:08
  Speaker 5: the reality that many poor black folks impoverished live and
• 32:13
  Speaker 5: the lifestyle they live, so that you could know our people.
• 32:16
  Speaker 5: You could know where we came from. And so the
• 32:19
  Speaker 5: friendships I make, can I trust and identify with you?
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: I would say, even one step further, what you all
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: did is when we moved to the suburbs, you made
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: it a point and I love this that we kept
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: our relationships with our elementary school friends. We used to
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: have parties out in the suburbs. You all would hire
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: buses and stuff our band, limitals, whatever to bring kids out,
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: have a meeting point in Detroit, bring them out to
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: our house. Like Ruey, my best friend, he lived forty five,
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: you know, an hour away from us, you know, giving
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: give or take. And I saw him every weekend, whether
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: his drove him out and he stayed three days with
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: us or I would go out and stay three days
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: with him. And where was that east side Detroit? What
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: were we doing out in the basketball court getting into fights,
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: stand out, you know, getting into trouble and you know,
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: just a different lifestyle. That really was life. And I
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: would say, U, what is it? It was? It changed
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: my life. It kept my life the same while changing it.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's one thing I think I learned and it
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: was super helpful for my development, is you all raised
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: us in a way that was truly a village. I
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: mean you all created a huge community and village around
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: us of both friends and friends who became family and
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: family who was you know, blood family.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: And I really.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: Appreciate that because it taught me that that is where
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: you're safe.
• 33:48
  Speaker 5: Friends who's betrayed you? How about that? The ones you've
• 33:51
  Speaker 5: trusted in this We've.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Had people who've stolen from our family, who've done you.
• 33:56
  Speaker 5: Know we' and what do you do the people do that?
• 33:59
  Speaker 5: Do you ever associate with them again? Do you forgive them?
• 34:02
  Speaker 5: What do you do?
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: I think when there's an when friends cross you, when.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: There is an intentional effort to cross me or or
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: deceive me or steal from me, I can't.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: We can't be friends again. I can forgive you, and
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: you can go on your own, but.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: I can't be friends with somebody who plotted and planned
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: to deceive me.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: How do you react to that? Do you call a
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: person out and speak to them and then push back
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: if you plotted and planned on it?
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: I probably don't because I'm like you, that's just very
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: dangerous to me. That's not the person that I want
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: to deal with. If it's an accident or something that
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, that really hurt me. But I don't
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: know if this was intentional. Let's talk through it. Let's
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: understand that I can work with.
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: But I'll ask you that because I'm a passive person
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: when it comes to someone betraying me, or I would
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: just cut you off. I just don't respond to a text.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: I just cut it off. It's pretty much what you
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: did was very intentional, and I just yeah, I cut
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: it off. There's no need to talk to you anymore.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: Like you, you'll figure out what the problem them is
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: when you never maybe but you know what the problem is.
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: And going talking about you all's friends and you all
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: know this story you are had. We had a very
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: close friend, if you all so, used to come to
• 35:16
  Speaker 3: the house over there every weekend and all the good stuff.
• 35:20
  Speaker 6: Even out here when we move to l A was
• 35:22
  Speaker 6: coming out to LA to visit you all.
• 35:24
  Speaker 4: And.
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: I am fortunately found uh something on my credit card,
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: researched it and that particular person's name came up and
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: I was playing their their car note for I don't
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: know how long. And so when we talk about do
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: you approach the person do you cut the person off?
• 35:46
  Speaker 6: After that? For them forgive them. No, I took me
• 35:50
  Speaker 6: a little long time to forgive, but I know there
• 35:53
  Speaker 6: was a I'm gonna let you know you're.
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: Under age, I'm talking to your parents, and no, there
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: is no relationship after that because trust is gone. And
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: that's the most important thing to me in a friendship
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: is trust, whether you're whether you're trust for with my
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: secrets or trustful with my well being, So it's trust.
• 36:11
  Speaker 5: And we were talking about what you would do if
• 36:14
  Speaker 5: someone crossed you or your friend was disloyal towards you know,
• 36:19
  Speaker 5: what you would do outside the house, and see, you
• 36:23
  Speaker 5: don't know many like you think you do. It depends
• 36:28
  Speaker 5: on I'm close to what you said the intent, but
• 36:32
  Speaker 5: not as much the intent as to whether you were
• 36:35
  Speaker 5: trying to hurt me or just help yourself. Two different things,
• 36:42
  Speaker 5: and that is based on love. If you love me,
• 36:46
  Speaker 5: you're not trying You're not trying to hurt me, You're
• 36:50
  Speaker 5: trying to help yourself. So I might give you a pass.
• 36:54
  Speaker 5: But if I think you were trying to hurt me,
• 36:58
  Speaker 5: then we got a problem. And that's why I operated
• 37:01
  Speaker 5: as you all I've said over and over, particularly non
• 37:05
  Speaker 5: friends or people knew people I meet, is I got
• 37:12
  Speaker 5: to operate you with either fear or love, because those
• 37:17
  Speaker 5: are the two emotions that determine how people act towards you.
• 37:21
  Speaker 5: And my feeling is if you don't love me, that
• 37:24
  Speaker 5: means you're capable of harming me and being disloyal to me,
• 37:29
  Speaker 5: of hurting me intentionally or negligently, and not caring about
• 37:35
  Speaker 5: the hurt that you've caused me, or so that's my decision,
• 37:40
  Speaker 5: that's my boundaries trust and whether you intended to hurt me.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: I remember you always always say like, don't subside by
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: peer pressure, and always laugh at that because I always
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: want to be like, I am the pressure. I'm serious,
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: like I never felt peer pressure. I was always control
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: of you know, what I did and who I hung
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: out with, maybe people because people offered the opportunity and
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: I made a decision to do it. I never felt like, oh,
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: my friends won't like me if I don't do that.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: It was more so like like if you guys went
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: out of town. I wanted to throw a party, but
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying at that party I wanted to do
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: drugs because I made those decisions not to do those things.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: But it was more so like, and tell me if
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: I'm wrong because I.
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: Made you know you were the life of the party
• 38:30
  Speaker 3: that I'm saying, and so that's a dangerous thing when
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: you always feel you have to be the life of
• 38:34
  Speaker 3: the party, and that that's what scared me about you.
• 38:38
  Speaker 3: You always have to be the life of the party.
• 38:40
  Speaker 3: You didn't want to miss out on anything. You were
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: if it was no party, you were going to make
• 38:45
  Speaker 3: a party. So therefore, every time we left, you were
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: making a party.
• 38:48
  Speaker 6: It was all about your friends and entertaining your friends.
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: And that's what scared me the most because that's where
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: I felt pressure came in.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: And I think that but if you look at it reversely,
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: and it sounds bad saying this, but I was also
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: that comes with you know, growing and learning, because I
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: did change as you get older and things. But it's
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: like maybe I was the kid that parents have to
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: warn themselves with peer pressure for it. And you have
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: to be honest though, because you can't say that everyone
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: is peer pressure into doing things. There are the ones
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: who are the life of the party and don't see
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: the wrong. Because I just didn't see the wrong in
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: certain things. I didn't under my brain was so undeveloped
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: that I thought life was a big party.
• 39:32
  Speaker 6: You did. Yeh, that's what you said.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: You thought it was all exactly.
• 39:36
  Speaker 5: And that goes back to what you said about parents
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: and whether they are to this or to that. Your
• 39:42
  Speaker 5: brain hasn't developed enough to make the critical analysis of
• 39:48
  Speaker 5: critical decisions. That's why you don't use alcohol before age
• 39:53
  Speaker 5: twenty one. It's illegal. That's why you don't do other
• 39:56
  Speaker 5: things under age twenty one, because that's why now you
• 40:01
  Speaker 5: can't even be a sentenced as an as a teenager
• 40:05
  Speaker 5: rather as a minor to life sentences in prison, because
• 40:10
  Speaker 5: the law understands, or Supreme Court understood recent years.
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: Science got up there, you go.
• 40:16
  Speaker 5: That science is that your brains haven't developed fully into
• 40:20
  Speaker 5: age twenty four, and so anything before that you don't.
• 40:24
  Speaker 5: You're not making taking the consideration everything because your mind
• 40:29
  Speaker 5: doesn't have those analytical.
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: Skills, right, so as parents, we had to have them
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: for you.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: Is that the science you were talking about earlier? Yes? Okay, figure,
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: And so you see, we could just say, what do
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: we see those conversations now with you know, with with
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: what we talked about, what new generation, what's happened with
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: the Nolan Wells case? How do you like, what are
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: some core rules and values that you suggest that young
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: men of all races, of all colors, of all any
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: young men, what do you recommend they learning you instilling
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: them in terms of keeping themselves around.
• 41:08
  Speaker 6: Good company to your parents.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: Some parents don't know that much though, aren't that wise?
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: But you all were.
• 41:17
  Speaker 5: Learn how to instruct your kids on how to learn
• 41:22
  Speaker 5: the difference between friends and associates. And friends are ones
• 41:27
  Speaker 5: that you trust and they love you all love each
• 41:30
  Speaker 5: other authentically, legitimately, not because there's some gain to be made,
• 41:37
  Speaker 5: not because it's some prestige to be had. It's authentic.
• 41:41
  Speaker 5: You many and you know my high level friends, I
• 41:44
  Speaker 5: was no gain I received from them for many years.
• 41:47
  Speaker 5: But with friends based on being able to identify having
• 41:51
  Speaker 5: the same values, whether it's politically, whether it's societal, whether
• 41:56
  Speaker 5: it's the activism, et cetera, et cetera, and so oh,
• 42:00
  Speaker 5: those are the things I think parents need to instruct.
• 42:04
  Speaker 5: Find a friend you can trust based on identifying with
• 42:08
  Speaker 5: them and being good people.
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: Now, when I.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: First moved out from to Los Angeles from DC working
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: in politics entertainment, I had a good friend out here
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: because I was having trouble figuring out who I could trust.
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: Who I could work with and feel safe with. And
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: he told me, look, Greg, at the end of the day,
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: he gave me the concept of elevators. And what he
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: said is that you got your friends, you got your associates.
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: Picture yourself as a building, and on the ground floor
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: you got a lobby. Most people can come in almost everybody.
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: Say you got ten floors, start marking where those people
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: are on those floors. That ten floor, the penthouse is
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: your very cherished, your most cherished assets. Only your best
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: closest friends get that. And you got all these levels
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: below that that certain people can access, and you determine
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: where those people are on those yourself safe.
• 42:59
  Speaker 3: I do that on an unconscious basis most definitely, because
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: I have very few friends on that tenth floor. I
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: mean probably one or two, you know, And again everybody
• 43:11
  Speaker 3: else is in between there. I don't really state it
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: that way, but that's where my mind goes. That's where
• 43:17
  Speaker 3: my mind goes when it comes to things I trust
• 43:19
  Speaker 3: you with, things that I trust being around you with.
• 43:23
  Speaker 6: You know, it's different levels, you know, you know, because
• 43:26
  Speaker 6: there's certain things.
• 43:26
  Speaker 3: I might do and I don't want everybody to see
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: it might be certain things I might say I don't
• 43:30
  Speaker 3: want anybody to hear so you won't stepan you In
• 43:32
  Speaker 3: my mind, I have different levels of friendships.
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I mean you said it perfectly. I don't
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: know if I can say anything better than that, because
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: that truly describes how you should pick your friends. What
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: you going to say? What you said didn't make a
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: lot of sense, So let me just get my So
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: what I believe in is this thing called elevators. Right,
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: escalators you go up slow and you get to see
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: everybody going down while you go up. That sounds like
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: a hater to me. It sounds like a hater. I
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: want to see you go down as I go. I
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: want to shift closer to this because you see the
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: bad people. You get to see everyone on your side.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: They're good, you know, they're good peoples. Y'all all going
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: up together, and the ones down that's the ones you
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: gotta stay away from because they going down and put
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: your blinders all right, I think I do that you.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: But what I would say is is that what I
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: would my advice, And this is like, you know, close
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: to what you were saying is when you just think
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: about your friend, like is that person truly your friend?
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: Like do they care about you? Just think about the
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: values of I thought, okay, you got it. Think think
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: that's going. That's going. I like that. Let teach that
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: will end on the elevator. What floor are we on? Which?
• 45:14
  Speaker 5: All right? Thank you? I thought I was in the basement,
• 45:19
  Speaker 5: the utility room.
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: You have been. But you get back up quickly. You
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: got the express elevator. I'll get you up and down.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: But this was a good episode.
• 45:30
  Speaker 6: We wrap it up.
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: All I can say is, pars, you gotta turn it
• 45:34
  Speaker 3: over to God. All I can say is pray and
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: have faith.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: And as we do that, let's head to the Matthis
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: ver all right.
• 45:40
  Speaker 5: Today on Mathis Family Talks, we went over the case
• 45:45
  Speaker 5: of Nolan Wells in the societal commentary approach to it.
• 45:51
  Speaker 5: Not necessarily the legalities, those are still pending and rapidly developing.
• 45:55
  Speaker 5: And in this case, however, we talked about the environment
• 45:58
  Speaker 5: he was obviously in at that time, being raised, and
• 46:03
  Speaker 5: that is amongst white folks, a young man, black man
• 46:08
  Speaker 5: in Mississippi being raised in the suburbs predominantly white. And
• 46:13
  Speaker 5: did he trust those friends? Did he know those friends?
• 46:16
  Speaker 5: So that's the context in which we began to discuss
• 46:19
  Speaker 5: this one. When you change from an all black community
• 46:23
  Speaker 5: to an all white upper income community, what are the
• 46:27
  Speaker 5: consequences there for your children. One community is a destructive
• 46:33
  Speaker 5: community in one particular way, and another has some destructive
• 46:37
  Speaker 5: ways as well. How do you navigate that? How do
• 46:41
  Speaker 5: you prepare your children? Do you do it by example?
• 46:44
  Speaker 5: Do you just tell them? Do you give orders? Well,
• 46:47
  Speaker 5: in my opinion, you train your children with the best
• 46:50
  Speaker 5: information that you can give them and the best example
• 46:54
  Speaker 5: that you can provide for them, and then you trust
• 46:58
  Speaker 5: in God that they're going to use use those examples
• 47:01
  Speaker 5: and they're gonna use that advice to select the right
• 47:05
  Speaker 5: friends who have their back, who will be trusted, who
• 47:08
  Speaker 5: will be loyal, and who they can identify with. I'm
• 47:14
  Speaker 5: judge matthis and that's my verdict.