Latest / I Do, Part 2 / The Secret To Happiness: FEELING Loved… So Here’s How To Get More Love In Your Life!

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The Secret To Happiness: FEELING Loved… So Here’s How To Get More Love In Your Life! · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey, that evokes It is Saturday, August fifteenth. Have you
0:06
Speaker 1: ever wondered and have you ever even asked somebody what
0:10
Speaker 1: is the secret to happiness? Did you get a good answer? Well,
0:15
Speaker 1: we have a good one for you this morning, and
0:19
Speaker 1: it might be the most definitive one we have ever heard.
0:23
Speaker 1: And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ,
0:27
Speaker 1: an episode brought to you by Amy Robot, who brought
0:30
Speaker 1: this story to my attention. But Robes, we hear it
0:34
Speaker 1: all the time. You want to ask you what's the secret?
0:36
Speaker 1: Who's the secret to happiness? This was a damn good answer, Robes.
0:40
Speaker 1: Have you had a better answer than this?
0:41
Speaker 2: No? Because I think it was an honest answer. Okay,
0:43
Speaker 2: I think a lot of times we talk about it's
0:46
Speaker 2: you know, the love you have for other people or
0:48
Speaker 2: the love you have for yourself, and all of that
0:51
Speaker 2: can make sense. Sure love is usually involved with being happy.
0:55
Speaker 2: Right you want to sure either be giving love or
0:59
Speaker 2: your secure and your loving to yourself, positive thinking, gratitude,
1:07
Speaker 2: a sense of control, something to look forward to. I've
1:11
Speaker 2: heard all sorts of different ideas about what makes you happy.
1:14
Speaker 1: Don't they throw in there? A lot of time being philanthropic.
1:17
Speaker 1: Anytime you're down or I'm back, go help somebody else,
1:20
Speaker 1: Go help contribute. All these things were told, Robes. You
1:25
Speaker 1: brought this to my attention, and I say it sounds
1:27
Speaker 1: cool reading into it more. The reason this wouldn't have
1:30
Speaker 1: made sense to me when I was twenty seven interesting,
1:34
Speaker 1: I've been there and done that and live this now. Yes,
1:37
Speaker 1: this is Robes. Is hits hard. It's honest, this hits hard.
1:42
Speaker 1: So the secret to happiness, Robes lies in our ability
1:48
Speaker 1: to feel loved. Now that sounds simple, feeling loved. And
1:56
Speaker 1: the first thing I think, Robes is it's fair to
1:59
Speaker 1: say feeling love sounds like, well, I need to get
2:03
Speaker 1: something from the outside. But the key to this, Robes
2:08
Speaker 1: is it gives you a formula for being in control
2:12
Speaker 1: actually of the love you receive. I love this shit.
2:16
Speaker 2: Because look and that it makes sense because because we
2:19
Speaker 2: want to feel in control. We want to think that
2:22
Speaker 2: what we do, what we say, how we act, has
2:26
Speaker 2: an impact, an intended impact. Correct, But we don't know
2:29
Speaker 2: how to do it. We don't know what we're saying,
2:31
Speaker 2: we don't know what we're feeling. We're a mess out there,
2:34
Speaker 2: and so we're we're not focused on happiness, and we're
2:38
Speaker 2: not focused on how we actually receive love. We're focused
2:42
Speaker 2: on trying to be loved, but by maybe controlling the
2:46
Speaker 2: other person or by controlling the environment we're in. And
2:50
Speaker 2: every therapist I've ever spoken to, or I've ever read
2:53
Speaker 2: anything from will tell you you can't get joy from
2:56
Speaker 2: outside sources. So it was I was really interested to
3:00
Speaker 2: see what this leading researcher in the science of happiness.
3:05
Speaker 1: It's a real thing.
3:06
Speaker 2: It is. How cool is that?
3:08
Speaker 1: And well researched. Actually, this is a very big area
3:11
Speaker 1: of research.
3:12
Speaker 2: It is, and so I love this. She said that
3:14
Speaker 2: people who want to feel more loved, they usually take
3:17
Speaker 2: one of two approaches that aren't affected.
3:20
Speaker 1: And if we do this in relationships right if you're
3:22
Speaker 1: in a relationship with relationship with somebody right now and
3:24
Speaker 1: you want to feel more love, there are two things
3:27
Speaker 1: you're going to do.
3:28
Speaker 2: I'm going to fix myself or or I'm going to
3:30
Speaker 2: fix my partner.
3:31
Speaker 1: Yes, simpol So I need to change what about me?
3:36
Speaker 1: If I was nicer, if I was sweeter, if I
3:39
Speaker 1: did this differently, if I dressed better, if I follow
3:41
Speaker 1: these things, all these things, then then I would be
3:44
Speaker 1: a more lovable person, yes, or the other way. You
3:48
Speaker 1: know what, this idiot doesn't know how to how to
3:50
Speaker 1: love me.
3:51
Speaker 2: So I'm going to tell him my love language. I'm
3:53
Speaker 2: going to explain to him what I need to feel loved.
3:56
Speaker 2: I need acts of service, I need physical touch, and
3:58
Speaker 2: then then I'll feel more loved because he'll love me
4:03
Speaker 2: the way I want to be loved.
4:04
Speaker 1: Have you applied this? Have you done this? Do people
4:06
Speaker 1: do this? Does this make sense?
4:07
Speaker 2: Right? Absolutely? And I think that's where for me. When
4:11
Speaker 2: I started reading this, it was like, Yep, I've done that, Yep,
4:14
Speaker 2: I've thought that, and Nope, it hasn't worked.
4:20
Speaker 1: The thing. It seems odd to be able to control
4:24
Speaker 1: how you're loved and how much of it you get.
4:26
Speaker 1: But this is how they explain it. The right way
4:29
Speaker 1: to go about this. Folks, don't change yourself. You need
4:34
Speaker 1: to change the conversation. And we're gonna get well into that.
4:39
Speaker 1: But Robes just came about because you tracked down an article.
4:42
Speaker 1: It was in the Times. It was focused on this
4:44
Speaker 1: particular author and this researcher you talked about. Yeah, who
4:46
Speaker 1: did have a new book that came out this year,
4:49
Speaker 1: the title You Have to.
4:50
Speaker 2: Feel Loved how to feel loved. It's just like our
4:53
Speaker 2: tacos and tequila, Like you know exactly what you're getting
4:55
Speaker 2: when you pick up that book. And honestly, if I
4:57
Speaker 2: hadn't seen this book, I probably would have pulled it
4:59
Speaker 2: off the shelf. How many people would love to be loved? Everyone?
5:03
Speaker 1: How to feel love? It sounds like an outside It
5:09
Speaker 1: sounds like an outside solution, yes, but how to feel
5:11
Speaker 1: Where am I supposed to get? This stuff fries in.
5:13
Speaker 2: The face of everything I've been trained to think and
5:16
Speaker 2: believe about happiness. But the interesting thing is, it isn't
5:19
Speaker 2: how to get loved. It isn't how to be loved.
5:22
Speaker 2: It's how to feel loved. Someone can love you, and
5:26
Speaker 2: it just might not be hitting the way it's supposed to.
5:30
Speaker 2: And I have experienced this, I'm sure you have too,
5:33
Speaker 2: where you know that that person probably loves you, but
5:36
Speaker 2: you don't feel loved by them.
5:38
Speaker 1: Okay, ding Ding the frickin' ding Robes, This is wild.
5:43
Speaker 1: We've talked about this a lot over the year, surely,
5:45
Speaker 1: but even recently I think this has come up. Robes,
5:47
Speaker 1: this idea that people feel they're in a relationship for
5:52
Speaker 1: what it can bring to them and not what they're
5:54
Speaker 1: supposed to be contributing to a unity, to a family,
5:58
Speaker 1: to a partnership. This flies in the face of that
6:02
Speaker 1: Robes and I think it's something perfectly digestible. But this
6:06
Speaker 1: simple concept, if you want to feel more loved, that
6:10
Speaker 1: person that you want the love from needs to feel
6:14
Speaker 1: more loved by you sit with that.
6:19
Speaker 2: And it makes perfect sense. And she gives very specific,
6:25
Speaker 2: step by step instructions on how to change this, how
6:30
Speaker 2: to make this happen well Rapes.
6:32
Speaker 1: Does that make sense, yes, but we don't. We do not.
6:36
Speaker 1: Some people heard that and are pushing back to where
6:38
Speaker 1: why do I have to do anything today? We always
6:41
Speaker 1: think we're just deserving of it. It should just come.
6:44
Speaker 1: I don't have to explain. I don't have to do anything.
6:46
Speaker 1: I am wonderful. If you're not loving me right, that's
6:48
Speaker 1: on you.
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Speaker 2: I deserve better. How many times do we see are
6:52
Speaker 2: we here? In all of these relationship shows we love
6:55
Speaker 2: to watch. The big thing is when someone isn't feeling
6:58
Speaker 2: loved then and say I deserve this, I deserve that,
7:03
Speaker 2: I should be treated this way, I should be treated
7:06
Speaker 2: that way, absolutely pointing the finger at why they don't
7:11
Speaker 2: feel loved. But it starts with you. I love this
7:14
Speaker 2: because it is empowering. It does start with you, the
7:18
Speaker 2: individual who needs and wants to feel more loved.
7:21
Speaker 1: I think it's I love this concept, Robes that you
7:24
Speaker 1: still do have control. You don't have to sit around
7:27
Speaker 1: and wait for the right person to come along again,
7:29
Speaker 1: I have to sit and wait for anybody to act right.
7:31
Speaker 1: You can actively do this. And when they went back Robes,
7:34
Speaker 1: we said, how do you feel this love? How are
7:36
Speaker 1: you supposed to do this? Like we said, you need
7:38
Speaker 1: to change the conversation. What are we talking about that
7:41
Speaker 1: person that you need to or want to feel more
7:44
Speaker 1: love from. You need to change the conversation you're having
7:47
Speaker 1: with that person. And it's a very simple concept, Robes.
7:50
Speaker 1: When you have a conversation with this person, you need
7:52
Speaker 1: to start practicing this listening to learn. I love this.
7:59
Speaker 2: This is you know, jam I love this. And she
8:03
Speaker 2: points out that a lot of us think that we're
8:05
Speaker 2: pretty good listeners, or we at least try to be.
8:08
Speaker 2: But if you're really actually being honest with yourself, how
8:12
Speaker 2: often do you sit there and wait for your turn
8:14
Speaker 2: to speak? I mean, I fully admit I struggle with that.
8:17
Speaker 2: You know, I do you're waiting to bring your thoughts
8:22
Speaker 2: into it or give your advice, and that is not
8:26
Speaker 2: the mindset you should have listening to learn. So instead
8:30
Speaker 2: of focusing on your response what you're going to say next,
8:34
Speaker 2: your focus should be on understanding this.
8:38
Speaker 1: Is very simple stuff. And the reason you know I
8:42
Speaker 1: was going crazy with this article is because this is
8:46
Speaker 1: what I practice and I preach, and it served me
8:49
Speaker 1: so well and I love it and I learned it
8:52
Speaker 1: very early on. You just have to stop. Well, I've
8:55
Speaker 1: done this with you in this studio plenty of times,
8:58
Speaker 1: and I do it all the time. You look at
9:00
Speaker 1: me like I'm joking, or you're like no, no, no, no, I
9:02
Speaker 1: don't want to bother you. You start talking to me.
9:05
Speaker 1: I stop everything I'm doing, I stop typing, I stop
9:09
Speaker 1: looking at the computer, I take all AirPods out, and
9:11
Speaker 1: I lean into the table and I listen to what
9:13
Speaker 1: you're saying. And if it's a small or something, you
9:15
Speaker 1: get embarrassed like, ooh, you don't have to do all that.
9:17
Speaker 2: I just wanted to exactly. I'm like, you don't have
9:19
Speaker 2: to stop what you're doing. I just wanted to alert
9:21
Speaker 2: you about something.
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Speaker 1: But the thing they're saying Robes is that's all you
9:25
Speaker 1: have to do is be attentive, make eye contact, lean in,
9:30
Speaker 1: and actually listen to that person, not because you have
9:34
Speaker 1: something to say, but you're actually trying to comprehend, learn something,
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Speaker 1: and understand something. If you start with that concept, it
9:42
Speaker 1: changes everything.
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Speaker 2: I love it, and you go into conversations with intention
9:48
Speaker 2: where you actually say, I am genuinely going to focus
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Speaker 2: on what this person is saying to me, and it's rare.
9:55
Speaker 2: It's rare, but she even says, ask yourself when someone
9:58
Speaker 2: when you feel seen, when you feel understood, you're so
10:03
Speaker 2: much more willing to see the other person, to understand
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Speaker 2: the other person, to listen to the other person, to
10:09
Speaker 2: be genuinely interested in the other person because you felt
10:13
Speaker 2: listened to and understood and seen and validated. When someone
10:18
Speaker 2: makes you feel that way, there is no greater joy,
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Speaker 2: and you are so much more willing and actually excited
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Speaker 2: to return.
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Speaker 1: That which is love, which is going to come back
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Speaker 1: to you as love and you feeling love by doing
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Speaker 1: the simplest of tasks, Robe Robes is just to listen
10:40
Speaker 1: to someone, make them feel cared for, important, validated. You
10:45
Speaker 1: don't have to go out and get flowers fellas. You
10:47
Speaker 1: don't have to send cards, there's no gifts, you don't
10:49
Speaker 1: have to book a trip. She's talking. Listen to her,
10:54
Speaker 1: look at her and listen and ask a follow up robes,
10:57
Speaker 1: this is just something I happen. I am all about
11:01
Speaker 1: this and I did not know there was an area
11:03
Speaker 1: of research.
11:04
Speaker 2: And in the follow up, I love how she said
11:07
Speaker 2: there are three words that you should say, at least
11:12
Speaker 2: a version of this after someone's talking to you, and
11:15
Speaker 2: you can get it from Greece, tell me more, tell
11:19
Speaker 2: me more, tell me more, tell me more. Maybe so
11:24
Speaker 2: this is pretty cool, but they say, like you actually
11:28
Speaker 2: making a decision to do this is going to change
11:30
Speaker 2: your life, first of all, and they say to focus
11:32
Speaker 2: on one relationship at a time. So pick the person
11:34
Speaker 2: who maybe you want to feel more loved by, and
11:37
Speaker 2: you pick that person and you make a decision, you
11:40
Speaker 2: say I'm going to choose, and then you become intentional
11:43
Speaker 2: about it and you'll get better at it. It does
11:46
Speaker 2: take practice, especially when say me spent the last five
11:50
Speaker 2: decades not being intentional. Yes, I know I need to
11:54
Speaker 2: listen more. I'm very much aware of that. I know
11:56
Speaker 2: this is a problem area in my life. And then
12:00
Speaker 2: choose the one person who you want to then feel
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Speaker 2: that love.
12:04
Speaker 1: They've made clear of this is not a one size
12:06
Speaker 1: fits all. Don't decide Okay, I'm gonna change my life
12:08
Speaker 1: and I'm going to start doing this thing start because
12:10
Speaker 1: people are different. Frankly, and the other thing Robes they've
12:13
Speaker 1: mentioned is that maybe you will figure out that some
12:16
Speaker 1: people shouldn't be in your life. Can you have you
12:20
Speaker 1: even in practicing this, you might find yourself I really
12:23
Speaker 1: don't give a damn about what this person is saying.
12:26
Speaker 2: Yes, it actually will clarify. Yeah, you're curious of your
12:29
Speaker 2: relationships and you might actually just be able to pare
12:33
Speaker 2: down your social circle to the people who actually you
12:38
Speaker 2: really want to receive love from. And that's pretty interesting.
12:41
Speaker 2: But they actually she actually gives you like homework and say, okay,
12:44
Speaker 2: if you want to do this in the next week,
12:46
Speaker 2: take three conversations where you choose to actually show real curiosity,
12:53
Speaker 2: where you're actually leaning in, you're listening, tell me more,
12:57
Speaker 2: and you lift that person up. You'll see it in
13:01
Speaker 2: their eyes, in their face, in their expression that they
13:05
Speaker 2: are receiving love and they're going to feel great and
13:08
Speaker 2: they're going to give it back.
13:10
Speaker 1: Think about how that feels robes when somebody's paying attention,
13:15
Speaker 1: and they might be paying attention, or you think they're
13:16
Speaker 1: paying attention, but then it's confirmed when you stop talking
13:20
Speaker 1: and they ask a follow up about something you mentioned
13:23
Speaker 1: at the very beginning of what you were saying. Oh,
13:25
Speaker 1: they were listening, they remembered that robes. It changes everything
13:28
Speaker 1: in the dynamic we talk. Who is the awe or
13:30
Speaker 1: comment the Bill Clinton? Yes, reference you used and I
13:35
Speaker 1: didn't know that that was in there. I have told
13:38
Speaker 1: this story countless times in my life.
13:40
Speaker 2: Yes, so you have talked about President Clinton and how
13:44
Speaker 2: he makes people feel and just obviously he is somebody
13:49
Speaker 2: who has incredible charisma. But it's pretty specific. And yes,
13:52
Speaker 2: one of the comments on this article said, I have
13:55
Speaker 2: several times read that President Clinton made anyone he was
13:58
Speaker 2: talking to feel as though they were the only person
14:01
Speaker 2: in the room. I've been trying to do the same
14:03
Speaker 2: thing for more than a decade, and wow, it has
14:05
Speaker 2: completely changed my world.
14:09
Speaker 1: So this, I thought, this person, So they didn't. They
14:11
Speaker 1: just heard about it.
14:12
Speaker 2: They hadn't met him, right, Okay, they just heard about
14:14
Speaker 2: it and decided to emulate him. I watched him and
14:17
Speaker 2: they But you actually met him and had the exact
14:19
Speaker 2: same response.
14:20
Speaker 1: Twenty I was twenty two, maybe twenty two. I was
14:25
Speaker 1: working in Little Rock Robes. I was there from two
14:27
Speaker 1: thousand and two thousand and three. There was an event
14:29
Speaker 1: that took place there. How excited am I as a
14:31
Speaker 1: twenty two year old whatever getting a chance to go
14:34
Speaker 1: hang out at some event with Bill Clinton? And he
14:36
Speaker 1: did a little press conference thing and he was mingling
14:38
Speaker 1: in the room. He came back to where the reporters were,
14:40
Speaker 1: a small room, elbowed, elbow to elbow, and I'm up
14:45
Speaker 1: on this stand in the back where the reporters are,
14:47
Speaker 1: and he came back. I don't know how I ended
14:49
Speaker 1: up talking to him about whatever it was, Robes. There
14:54
Speaker 1: is nobody that was more important to him in that
14:56
Speaker 1: moment than me. I'm sitting here looking at you still.
15:00
Speaker 2: Remembering that moment and how it made you feel.
15:03
Speaker 1: I cannot believe this important guy doesn't give a damn
15:06
Speaker 1: about anything else going on and Roase. From that moment
15:09
Speaker 1: at twenty two, it changed how I functioned the rest
15:14
Speaker 1: of my public life. And I hope and I certainly
15:17
Speaker 1: do believe it is serves me well, but roades the
15:20
Speaker 1: places I go, you've gone places with me, and then
15:22
Speaker 1: somebody will say, yeah, when I was in high school,
15:24
Speaker 1: you did d da da, Like really I did? I
15:27
Speaker 1: don't remember this. All of our security guys that the
15:31
Speaker 1: guys who are not high on the totem pole, I
15:34
Speaker 1: spend the most time with and just stopping and focusing
15:37
Speaker 1: and he I learned that. I swear to God, baby,
15:40
Speaker 1: I learned this and I practiced it because Clinton taught
15:43
Speaker 1: me that very early and observing roabes. This is everything,
15:48
Speaker 1: and you see me do it with you. I've heard
15:50
Speaker 1: all of your stories at this point.
15:52
Speaker 2: You have and everything I can bring up on that
15:54
Speaker 2: you don't know.
15:55
Speaker 1: And every time you tell it, I set up well,
15:58
Speaker 1: maybe there'll be a detail here I've never heard before
16:00
Speaker 1: and I'll have to ask her about you all. I
16:03
Speaker 1: am telling you this is everything. It is the simplest
16:08
Speaker 1: thing to do. It is not hard to do. Consciously,
16:13
Speaker 1: just listen to someone with the intent of not contributing
16:16
Speaker 1: to the conversation or letting them hear how you feel
16:19
Speaker 1: about it or giving any advice. But every time somebody
16:23
Speaker 1: speaks to you, it requires a follow up. There's something.
16:26
Speaker 1: If you're curious, you go, really what time of day
16:29
Speaker 1: was that? Or what restaurant was it? Why'd you go
16:31
Speaker 1: there today? Oh? What happened to your mom?
16:33
Speaker 2: Or what?
16:34
Speaker 1: There's always something, Robes. It feels like everything to us
16:37
Speaker 1: person to make was aligned. People never forget how you
16:41
Speaker 1: make them feel.
16:41
Speaker 2: Yes, they might forget what you said, they might forget
16:44
Speaker 2: what you did, but they'll never forget how you made
16:47
Speaker 2: them feel. And when you make people feel seen and
16:49
Speaker 2: validated and loved, yes they eagerly return it. And look,
16:54
Speaker 2: she points out, if they don't, that also is really
16:58
Speaker 2: good information to know because that might not be someone
17:01
Speaker 2: you want in your life. And that actually is valuable
17:03
Speaker 2: in and of itself because you learn that sometimes we
17:07
Speaker 2: actually focus in on and are choosing the wrong person
17:10
Speaker 2: who we want to feel more love by, and it
17:12
Speaker 2: just might not be in them. It might not be
17:15
Speaker 2: the right person for you, And employing this tactic in
17:18
Speaker 2: your life actually will make things more obvious.
17:21
Speaker 1: That's it, Robes. This is this is a good way
17:23
Speaker 1: to we eat folks. The very simple thing. Do you
17:27
Speaker 1: actually sit there and think, I really don't I don't care,
17:30
Speaker 1: I'm not curious, I'm trying. Actually right now, this just
17:33
Speaker 1: might not might not be the person for you. I
17:35
Speaker 1: absolutely love this and you know I do. But stay here, folks.
17:38
Speaker 1: There is a very simple analogy that they use, having
17:43
Speaker 1: to do with a children's playground that could help you
17:46
Speaker 1: understand why this is such an effective tool. Also, there
17:50
Speaker 1: are some tips that they give for being yes, a
17:53
Speaker 1: better listener.
18:03
Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We hope you
18:06
Speaker 2: were listening because that is the key to feeling more love.
18:14
Speaker 2: And if you feel loved, you are almost certainly going
18:19
Speaker 2: to be happy. Look, everyone is in pursuit of finding
18:23
Speaker 2: more joy, finding happiness. And yes, we've been told by
18:28
Speaker 2: everyone to not look for that outside of you, that
18:32
Speaker 2: it's within you that you're the only one who can
18:34
Speaker 2: actually make yourself happy. However, we're not taking that away
18:40
Speaker 2: because that is true. But there are things you can
18:42
Speaker 2: do that you are in control of that will absolutely
18:47
Speaker 2: make you feel more loved. And in turn, so will
18:51
Speaker 2: your partner, So will your friend, so will your relative.
18:55
Speaker 1: You know, no, I'm worried anybody going to take this
18:57
Speaker 1: advice and run out and tell their partner need to
19:00
Speaker 1: listen to me more. You know how you need to
19:01
Speaker 1: do it. You need to do it like this.
19:04
Speaker 2: No, you lead the way you start doing it and
19:06
Speaker 2: then watch people change, watch people change. It's kind of cool.
19:11
Speaker 2: I'm excited about about putting this into practice and actually
19:16
Speaker 2: watching relationships get better.
19:19
Speaker 1: You mentioned the word of practice, and that's what they
19:21
Speaker 1: say it take. So how am I supposed to become
19:22
Speaker 1: a better listener? They literally ropes. They say, you need
19:24
Speaker 1: to practice this. You need to be conscious as you're
19:26
Speaker 1: going about next conversation. You have sit there consciously think,
19:31
Speaker 1: be aware of what you're doing, and listen to that
19:33
Speaker 1: person as I'm trying to understand something. I'm trying to
19:37
Speaker 1: learn something, and then I'm going to have a follow
19:40
Speaker 1: up to something they say, or it's everything. I just
19:44
Speaker 1: I promise you, folks, you will see a change in
19:47
Speaker 1: the person sitting across from you if you just stop
19:50
Speaker 1: what you're doing, put the phone down, look into their eyes,
19:55
Speaker 1: even interrupt to ask a question. Don't interrupt because you
20:00
Speaker 1: you have something brilliant you want to say, want to
20:02
Speaker 1: interject your own personal story, but robes. When somebody says
20:06
Speaker 1: something I do this, that you've seen me do this
20:07
Speaker 1: all the time, I say, oh, I've apologized in meetings
20:10
Speaker 1: like I'm sorry, but you brought something up that triggered
20:13
Speaker 1: a question, and I could save it to the end
20:15
Speaker 1: or do it along the way. What do you prefer, like,
20:17
Speaker 1: just sit up and pay attention and be aware, Robes.
20:21
Speaker 1: It changes everything. It changes everything, Robes. This is I
20:26
Speaker 1: don't preach it necessarily. I guess we haven't gone on
20:29
Speaker 1: and done our own episode about this, but this has
20:31
Speaker 1: now given me permission. I feel validated, Robes. I am
20:36
Speaker 1: all about this the simplest things in human relation. And
20:39
Speaker 1: don't even get me started on applying this to politics,
20:43
Speaker 1: applying this to people you don't agree with, applying this
20:46
Speaker 1: to somebody on the other side of the aisle or
20:48
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Just listen to them, no matter
20:52
Speaker 1: what they might be spewing. Well, don't you want to
20:55
Speaker 1: understand how you how did you get to that place
20:58
Speaker 1: that you hate trans people? Like what happened? And I
21:01
Speaker 1: use that example, but I'm saying, just stop and listen
21:05
Speaker 1: for a second instead of just condemning. I love this.
21:08
Speaker 1: We will absolutely get this researcher on, yes.
21:11
Speaker 2: Because this is years and years of research. But it
21:15
Speaker 2: makes so much sense. And look, you mentioned that you
21:18
Speaker 2: could interrupt with a question perhaps, but one of the
21:21
Speaker 2: main things you and this is where I have been
21:24
Speaker 2: working on it. I have gotten better. I still have
21:27
Speaker 2: work to do, but not interrupting people that do not interrupt,
21:31
Speaker 2: And it's just a bad rude habit, especially when you're
21:33
Speaker 2: interrupting about what bringing the conversation back to yourself, or
21:38
Speaker 2: offering advice without being asked what you think about something.
21:42
Speaker 2: Those are two major notes lost.
21:44
Speaker 1: People do that ego.
21:46
Speaker 2: Driven, and you know, I do think look from as
21:49
Speaker 2: someone who has been a habitual interruptor, and certainly I've
21:52
Speaker 2: turned the conversation back to myself plenty of times. I
21:55
Speaker 2: think a lot of times, yes, one hundred percent, it
21:57
Speaker 2: is ego. But I think you think I'm connecting, I'm contributing.
22:00
Speaker 2: I'm I'm saying, oh me too, and we're in this together.
22:04
Speaker 2: And I've had that same experience and that's part of
22:07
Speaker 2: what it is. But truly it takes away from that
22:10
Speaker 2: person's experience period.
22:15
Speaker 1: This is wild, you know how. This is just one
22:17
Speaker 1: of those things. For me. It's like standing on an
22:19
Speaker 1: escalator right as far as my biggest well, you're not.
22:23
Speaker 2: Like the others. If you see TJ on an escalator,
22:26
Speaker 2: start walking, he cannot, he goes. It's not a ride
22:30
Speaker 2: but I actually think sometimes it doesn't break, it's.
22:33
Speaker 1: Not being This is another one of those things in life.
22:37
Speaker 1: Just people stop interrupting, listen to someone, ask a follow
22:42
Speaker 1: up about someone, and it does. Is one of the
22:45
Speaker 1: kindest things you can do. But we can all do
22:48
Speaker 1: it today. The person at the checkout line when they
22:53
Speaker 1: bringing you in, when they you say how you doing,
22:56
Speaker 1: and they just say, I'm good, it's okay to follow it.
22:59
Speaker 1: How many time you heard me say like, really, that's
23:01
Speaker 1: all you got? It wasn't very convincing. You sure everything
23:03
Speaker 1: is all right? You just that means you were listening
23:06
Speaker 1: to them and you.
23:07
Speaker 2: Care about them. You're not just making small talk.
23:09
Speaker 1: But you're proving that you matter to me to the
23:13
Speaker 1: point that I can do the simplest thing, which is listen.
23:17
Speaker 1: I love this so much.
23:19
Speaker 2: You mentioned the school yard analogy.
23:21
Speaker 1: Oh I got the sea saw. Did you like this?
23:23
Speaker 2: Yes?
23:23
Speaker 1: It makes sense right. Imagine a sea saw. Everybody's been
23:26
Speaker 1: on sea saw before. How does the seesaw work? The
23:28
Speaker 1: other person goes up when you come down, when you
23:32
Speaker 1: put your weight down, this was the thing they were saying.
23:36
Speaker 1: Roll this idea. You lift them up with the weight
23:39
Speaker 1: of your attention. And genuine curiosity. You are so into
23:43
Speaker 1: this person. The weight of all of that lifts them up.
23:47
Speaker 1: And this researcher used a seesaw analogy. Look at it
23:49
Speaker 1: that way, you're literally lifting them in the air.
23:52
Speaker 2: I love that. But the simplest that's empowering not only
23:55
Speaker 2: to them but for you as well. And look, I've
23:58
Speaker 2: started to check myself. I start, I hear myself, Oh
24:02
Speaker 2: my god, I just turned the conversation back to me.
24:04
Speaker 2: Shame on you, Amy, and then immediately redirect. You're gonna
24:07
Speaker 2: make mistakes. And I have been, actually before this article,
24:09
Speaker 2: before I even read this, have been trying to take
24:12
Speaker 2: notes seeing myself, watching myself do things out of whatever,
24:17
Speaker 2: have it ego, you name it, even maybe excitement or passion,
24:20
Speaker 2: and I forget that that person was telling their story,
24:25
Speaker 2: and so I have. But it's okay, you're gonna it's
24:28
Speaker 2: not gonna. You're not gonna be perfect, but just having
24:31
Speaker 2: the intention and knowing it's something you want to work
24:34
Speaker 2: on will make a tremendous difference in all of your relationships,
24:38
Speaker 2: which will therefore make a tremendous difference in your level
24:42
Speaker 2: of personal happiness.
24:43
Speaker 1: It will, so, folks, the key to happiness. Shut up.
24:47
Speaker 1: Oh no, get curious, Get curious. We talked. Oh my god,
24:51
Speaker 1: from the Burnsteins of the world Gaby Bury's this is
24:55
Speaker 1: be curious. Oh this is great, rogues. Part two of
24:58
Speaker 1: this is coming up. I don't know if it is,
25:01
Speaker 1: but this is a great one. Thank you for bringing
25:02
Speaker 1: it to my attention. As often as the case, you'll
25:05
Speaker 1: give me a headline or something you say, ah, you're
25:07
Speaker 1: into that. I don't know. I need to look into it.
25:10
Speaker 1: And I look into it, and I'm as fired up.
25:12
Speaker 1: You understold this one, baby.
25:13
Speaker 2: Well, and I'm excited you were into it because I
25:16
Speaker 2: knew and I know that this is your bread and butter.
25:19
Speaker 2: This is how you operate. I actually didn't even know that. Hilariously,
25:22
Speaker 2: the first comment would be attributing it back to Bill Clinton,
25:25
Speaker 2: who I know. I've been telling this absolutely have looked
25:28
Speaker 2: to in terms of just how he operates.
25:31
Speaker 1: Twenty five years ago. I've been around him plenty times since.
25:34
Speaker 1: I don't think i've told him this story. That moment
25:36
Speaker 1: with him changed how I operated throughout my professional career
25:40
Speaker 1: in dealing with the public.
25:42
Speaker 2: It's incredible. And you know, I've only met President Clinton
25:45
Speaker 2: one time in my life, met his wife several others
25:48
Speaker 2: when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Yes, you get
25:50
Speaker 2: inundated with all sorts of things. I actually was looking
25:53
Speaker 2: through some stuff in my I was looking for some
25:56
Speaker 2: documents and went back just this week and found a
25:59
Speaker 2: beautiful card stock. President Bill Clinton hand wrote me a
26:04
Speaker 2: letter when I was diagnosed, wishing me well. That what
26:09
Speaker 2: I've met him one time. That was so meaningful, those
26:14
Speaker 2: moments of just reaching out, remembering, recognizing, it's tremendous. So, yes,
26:20
Speaker 2: there is a reason.
26:21
Speaker 1: There's a reason he was as successful as a politician
26:24
Speaker 1: as he was, and it's talked about. It's stuff of
26:27
Speaker 1: legend at this point. Two things, how late he was
26:32
Speaker 1: to us events, and awesome he was when you were
26:36
Speaker 1: with him one on one brokes. He just was so folks,
26:39
Speaker 1: take that with you today. I hope it does help,
26:41
Speaker 1: and I hope you can put this into practice it
26:43
Speaker 1: in some way, but we promise you it works. And
26:47
Speaker 1: with that, we appreciate you as always spending some time
26:49
Speaker 1: on TJ on behalf of my dear Amy Robot. We'll
26:52
Speaker 1: talk soon.