Latest / Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily / It Happened One Summer - by Tessa Bailey

Transcript

It Happened One Summer - by Tessa Bailey · Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily

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Hi friends, you're listening to Loose the Part with Carla and
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Emily. In this episode we're reading It
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Happened One Summer by Tessa Bailey.
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We are talking about the entire book, so warning, there will be
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spoilers. I'm Carla, and vaginal orgasms
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are ruining me for regular. Life.
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I'm Emily. And are we gonna talk about the
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finger thing? Oh, yes, we are.
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I love the hand motions. Those little finger guns.
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Yes, But before we dive into this juicy episode, we have a
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tiny favor to ask. If you've enjoyed our previous
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1:13
Do we need a trigger warning on this one?
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I feel like it's nothing for. What?
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That's what I mean. No, I don't think we said light
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and fluffy and we we got light and fluffy.
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We went all the way. Light and fluffy.
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Yeah, this is after haunting Adeline.
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So how does it feel for us to be reviewing a non problematic book
1:35
for once? It's nice, you know, when you
1:40
read like, something problematic and it's like slightly cringy.
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So you've got to put the book down and you're just like, there
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was none of that with this. This was all the way through
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cruisy. So let's talk about our female
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main character. We have Piper, Peter Piper,
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Peter Piper, Picker. So Piper gives me the biggest
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Paris Hilton and Elwood's combo vibes.
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Yeah, So 2000s. Yeah, I'm here for it.
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I'm here for the vibes and here for the energy.
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A little bit more substance. Yeah, yeah, definitely.
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But I'm here for it. After haunting outline, that's
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for sure. So good.
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She's not a fan. No, no, Her sister Hannah, she's
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so funny to me. I love her.
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You love Hannah? Yes.
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Do you want to read the next book, then?
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Because no. I was actually angry about that.
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I was like, don't they fucking dare pair off Hannah at the end
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just so that there's going to be some other stupid?
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But Hannah's A vibe. Hannah is not.
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You know, I know people in real life that are like Piper and I
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know people in real life that are like Hannah who never mind.
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Tell me more. I'm like, it's not me.
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No, no, it's not. But just people in my life.
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So maybe that's why I like these characters.
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Fair. They're just trying to enjoy
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their life and exist. Oh yeah.
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They're not out being problems. Yeah, Which is I feel like a lot
3:02
of women are just out trying to live our life.
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We try so hard. This is the most realistic.
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Book. Yeah, but also not at the same
3:11
time. Not at all.
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Not at all. Not at all.
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I wish my problems were my trust fund almost being cut off
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because I had a fucking party in a hotel.
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You know, very Gossip Girl exactly.
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And also she's too old for that. Yeah, that's.
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What was funny about it? Because also as it got into it
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further, there were bits where it was super juvenile and I was
3:35
like, is this book for preteens? But anyway, scaling in park, I
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feel like when you're cuddled that much with a credit card and
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no work drive and no going to school, it's probably what
3:47
happens. And I'm sort of pissed at the
3:49
parents. So the parents is their mom and
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Daniel, Who's the stepdad? What do you fucking expect?
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You raised her idiots. Oh, I know.
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You're giving her the credit card.
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And the second something goes wrong, they're like, oh, Pope is
4:01
hopeless and has no life skills. Brah.
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Where was she supposed to pick that up?
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You know, I don't know. I feel like look at the
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consequence of your own actions. Daniel and Daniel.
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Maureen. I don't.
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Maureen. Maureen.
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Fuck you, Maureen. Fuck you.
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That doesn't sound like a real couple.
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Sorry, Maureen. And Daniel.
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No, Daniel sounds like he's so much younger.
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Mavis. Yeah, like Mavis and Dan.
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Like what's going on? But anyway, I feel like it's the
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parents fault. Like, don't.
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I don't know. It's kind of like they were mad
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at her for having her personality.
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Yeah, but then then they put, like a lot of blame on her
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losing her father. But she lost me at 4:00.
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That's a lot of wiggle room, I know.
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That's. 24 years of being raised by these other people?
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Exactly. And then they're like, it's all
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that. It's just blame the trauma.
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But also they put no time or effort into telling her anything
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about the dad, especially the mom.
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That's really sad. And then they expect her to just
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have this perfect sense of self when you don't even allow her to
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know anything about her other side of the family's history or
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even her grandmother. They didn't even know she
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existed. They did not know overall
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existed. Parents that are rich enough to
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just throw money at all the problems, the dream.
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Like where do I sign up, bitch? Where's my new parents?
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Let's have a look at Piper. She's a party girl.
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She's. Did you say she's 28?
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She she's a 28 year old. Yeah.
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So she's a spot that's insecure. Spot.
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So she's if she's this much of a party girl, right?
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Come on. How is her last, her longest
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relationship? 3 weeks.
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She's got money. You're telling me she's never
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dated a scrub who's tried to hang on for dear life for at
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least like six months a year? Come on.
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Very fair. Come on.
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No, that's true. Connections.
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Her stepdad is in production. Movie production.
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Well, I think she said that everyone gets bored with her and
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that she's always gotta put on this kind of show for them.
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So maybe she gets bored with doing that.
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I just thought, come on, three weeks, she's that insecure.
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But with standards. OK, OK, let's pretend, let's
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pretend that makes sense. So at the start of the book she
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gets. Jumped at a public gathering,
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which was fun. I love how they named dropped
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real celebs in there. I was like, are you trying to
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make us believe this more? Like, why is she talking about
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Ansel Elgort? I didn't even think about it,
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but I just thought it was nice. It took me out because it's like
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the mixture of the fictional and then the real life and I'm like,
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OK, I didn't even. Out of all of them, Ansel, I
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know. That's why I was like, what?
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You couldn't even check a Tom Holland in there?
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Or like someone relevant. Zendaya.
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I don't know. Someone would be a Selena Gomez
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or Justin Bieber. Like a like a Bella Thorne.
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Yes. Like someone who's actually a
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Bella Thorne would probably be at a party.
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Yeah, exactly. That would have been better.
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But that's fine. That's OK.
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Maybe the No, trust me here. Maybe the author googled young
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Hollywood. Slims are Ansel.
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Piper being a party girl, are we gonna sit here and pretend that
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she's some innocent wallflower? Because when I think party girl
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2005. So I'm thinking Lindsay Lohan,
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the streaky mascara, the fucking snorting coke every 5 minutes.
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I'm thinking. Hot mess.
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Hot mess. No shoes on.
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Yes. Extensions.
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Falling out. Paparazzi following them around
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in their range. Rovers.
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Drowsy on the steering wheel. Britney Spears.
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Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan.
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Those vibes. Yeah, Iconic.
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That's what I'm imagining. But it's kind of like she used
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to be more of a party girl. I just feel like she's not as
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partyish. And then when she got dumped is
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the time that she decided to do that tactic, which is the
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weirdest fucking thing to do to get attention.
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It's probably the 2014 version of her.
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Yeah, that's what I mean. But there was like young Serena
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van der Woodson is where I think they were going.
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But. Would you?
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Choose to fucking go to a hotel that you know it's closed.
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She's drunk with her friend. She's like, am I gonna just get
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on them? What can I do?
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Dumbest idea ever. Oh, let's text everyone I know.
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Who's. Going to go last minute.
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To a closed hotel rooftop pool. How do you even get up there
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past security? Smash some doors?
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I know you need at least a key. Card wouldn't all the?
8:39
Security doors be shut, that you need a key card and that at
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least if it's that fancy of a hotel, that at least have 24
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hours. Service desk staff and security.
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Sorry, I love that. I just.
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Anyway, I don't even know how she got up there, but just her
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side. She fucking was like, she's 15
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people up there, a grapple hook and just fucking scaled the
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building. She's like.
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All leather pants and all, she snorted some cocaine and just
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fucking ran up the side of the building.
9:15
She just so titty tape. Stick to the wall.
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Spiderman. Spiderman.
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Yes, love that for her. So she's up there.
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This is more exciting than the actual book.
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Let's be real. So she's up there.
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Having a crazy party? Fast forward.
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She's in the watch house. She's in the lock up.
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We don't even get the fun party. No, I want to hear about people
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banging out in the open. I want to hear about the.
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Shallow hills. And fucking the fireworks that
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way Enough. Yes, the fireworks.
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Where do you do you just get random fireworks off the street?
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I know. No, I don't think.
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So. How did Kirby get into trouble?
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She was there too, but why? Is she?
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Just because she sends out a text doesn't mean that everyone
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is under her responsibility, right?
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Like, just say. Someone assaulted someone at
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this party. Is Piper the one going to court
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to defend that one? Kirby was the one that sent out
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the text True on her phone, though.
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Yeah, and she was such a whingy bitch in the watch house.
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I was like, get fucked. She's just needing to pee.
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She's like, oh, my bladder. And why don't we get 10
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descriptions about how our bladder was about to explode?
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I don't care. She gets a piss.
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That's exactly how I feel. And This is why Carla doesn't
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get it, because we went professor once and she literally
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peed once. So it felt like 12 and done 12
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hours. And I was in there like every 5
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minutes. She was done with me.
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That's why you don't get it. I don't know what you've got
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going on down there. It's just a steel.
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Drum, when you're gonna fuck your kidneys supposed to be a
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fucking butt. This is what she's so like.
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I don't understand. She doesn't piss.
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It's called discipline. Yeah, oh.
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Shit, yeah, but do we need to hear about it 10 times?
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But. You're like yes.
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For you car only you don't know the pain but the people who
11:13
relate. And she's like, I can't piss in
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this toilet and I'm like, well pee yourself.
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Down your leg. I'd rather just.
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I don't know like I'm sure there's a way to do it.
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There's not like, people staring at you.
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You're in a. Cell.
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I'm assuming a one person cell. The guard is not even trying to
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look at you. They've seen it all before.
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Yeah, you've already probably gone through the script.
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I mean, she literally was on the roof with like.
11:40
The House of. People and titty tape and G
11:43
string kissing And so she grows. So it's.
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OK, your titties. The bit that.
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Grossed me out was like she's getting photos taken with titty
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tape and like. G.
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String or mini skirt? What the fuck she's wearing and
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like that's getting posted on Instagram?
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Like in your tagged. Yeah.
12:01
I'm. Jumping off that building, Can
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you imagine those angles? She's like, did you miss all
12:07
this in the book? Did you miss it 50 times in the
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book where she's talked about how she knows the angles and the
12:12
lightings of everyone? Everyone's just taking photos of
12:15
you Willy nilly. Or do you mean she was like her
12:18
selfies? No, she just.
12:21
Must glow in the most perfect form all the time.
12:24
Can't relate. Can't relate.
12:26
If I was a celebrity, I'd pay paparazzi more to not release
12:28
photos. I'd be like, can I buy them off
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you? I want the originals.
12:33
Oh. Shit.
12:34
So yeah, she's not pissing the. Security guard.
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She's probably already busted. It open for the.
12:38
Security guard. Anyway, so.
12:40
It's like, what are you gonna you can?
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Literally just sit on the toilet and piss girl, I might only have
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seen it all. I'm sure.
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She's so I'm. Sure, she's seen the worst
12:50
possible things. She's like, I don't get paid
12:54
off. She's like, you're the most mild
12:56
bitch here, That guy, He's full of crack.
13:00
Exactly. He's scratching his asshole on
13:03
the pole to be the person who was in the watch in her cell
13:07
last, like rubbing his butt hole in the pole.
13:13
He's just a streaky line. Why is that killing me?
13:21
Oh. Shit.
13:21
I have to Glen 20 that fucking. I don't know if that's enough,
13:25
the building down. Yeah, burn it.
13:28
She's like, Oh my God, who do I call?
13:30
Calls her sister. Yes.
13:31
Her sister is like, I can make bales.
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So she drives there in the middle of the night.
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Yeah. She's like, what did you do?
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And then she's all like. So I.
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Had a party. I don't know the consequence of
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my own actions, but honestly, the guy that dumped her, they
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were dating for three weeks. Was he even worth that much
13:48
drama? No.
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He was like such a non. It wasn't even a good breakup.
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He couldn't. Even.
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Look at her in the eyes. During the breakup, they
13:56
probably spent no time together. I.
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Know. Anyway, anyhoo, so the parents
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After this stunt, the parents collectively decide that Piper
14:06
has to pay her dues in some stinky fish small town.
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And. Because they are fair.
14:12
They. Know what's so fair about that?
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They know she doesn't know how to.
14:15
Cook or do? Her own laundry or anything.
14:18
And they were like, you know what, No money.
14:21
Just throw you in the middle of nowhere.
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It's the plot to a simple life. With Paris Hilton and Nicole.
14:27
But then fucking Daniel was like, I just paint this
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custodian just cleaning out upstairs and just put them in
14:34
like a rat infested hole and he didn't check.
14:38
I don't think Daniel cares. Look, he doesn't care about the
14:41
security. Like what if and they
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technically was people living squatting in there?
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Yeah, what if there was a whole group or a gang or a motorcycle
14:48
gang in there and then they just, he just sent these girls
14:52
with on Google Maps. Like there you go.
14:54
And also, did they ever talk about the fact that they had the
14:56
deed to this property? No.
14:58
Until they could use it as a punishment against them.
15:01
Yeah, they weren't ever like, oh, hey girls, just so you know,
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you've got the option. If you ever wanted to have a
15:06
small town life, you can do up this especially.
15:08
Since they're. 26 and 28 and Henry left it to them.
15:12
You'd think they'd know by 21 at least.
15:15
Like that's a long time to lie to your kids.
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Fuck Maureen. Maureen's the worst.
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She's. The worst than Daniel.
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Fuck Daniel. Fucking boy.
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Fucking rich people. I just they couldn't even be
15:29
bothered to tell them though. They couldn't even be bothered
15:31
to teach him how to cook a meal and then Hannah fall on the
15:36
sword. Hannah love Hannah.
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She's like, just got to go with her.
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I was like, yes, Hannah, here we go again, Emily.
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Another plot to a contemporary romance where the main female
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character has to start over with no money in a small town.
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And guess what? I don't even think about it, but
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guess what? The first man she sees ends up
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being the main male character. As always.
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It's always the first penis you see as soon as you touch down
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Emily. Watch out if you go.
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To a small town. If you go to a small town, the
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first thing with a Dick is going to be taking over your life
16:14
soon. I.
16:16
Really. Hope not.
16:17
You'll have like, bazzas. Like, no Bazza and Shazza gonna
16:21
bum a dot off you. You don't get rugged sea captain
16:28
Harry Godman. No, not here.
16:30
Not here. Not anywhere.
16:32
Only on TikTok, anyway. She sees Brendan and then
16:38
glorious Brendan. Built a Brenda song built to the
16:43
gods Okay best. Beard.
16:48
Best Beard Best Abs 2023 I Don't Butthole Best Butthole Nominee
16:54
2023 Can we start with a very. Big.
16:59
Confusion that I had and it's 100% my bad.
17:03
Is this so you I can clarify maybe No, no.
17:06
No, I figured. It out.
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Don't worry, don't worry. I had to figure it out.
17:10
You know how they met and they were talking And then he went
17:12
upstairs and spoke with her and Hannah in the room and.
17:17
I don't know if it's because I was zipping.
17:19
Through the audio book at this. Stage pretty much two times at
17:22
the speed. But the crescendo of that
17:25
chapter was like this ending of we know who you are and I
17:30
thought it was that he was their brother.
17:33
As in another child of old mate Henry, Is it Henry?
17:38
Yeah. I was like.
17:44
And now I'm confused. But that's how that exact
17:46
chapter ended. I don't even because I swear to
17:50
God our brain is not on the same way.
17:52
This is probably the sleep paralysis demon while I'm awake
17:56
speaking in my mind because it's you actually turned.
17:59
I fucking heard this in the audio book.
18:01
I swear to God. Play it backwards.
18:04
OK, so I heard them say he turned and looked at his
18:07
sisters. And I was like, oh.
18:09
So he's not the main male character fucking 2 seconds
18:12
later she's frothing over him at all.
18:14
Maybe. Did it say this?
18:15
The sisters? I don't know what the sleeper
18:19
said to me. No, I don't know.
18:22
And then I didn't go back because I just thought, oh, he's
18:24
there like step brother. And then he's not going to be
18:28
the male character. And then he's just a So how long
18:31
did it take you to get over this?
18:33
Well, until they started like fucking getting fucking
18:37
practically into each other. And I was like, there was
18:42
something that I missed, something crucial.
18:46
I swear to God. I hope it wasn't.
18:48
Just me. So you all for the.
18:50
First half of the book were just thinking that they're
18:52
disgusting. Yes, I thought.
18:54
They. I thought this.
18:55
Was fucking Credence all over again?
18:57
I was like the fuck did you do to me it was even worse because
19:00
they were like actual half brother sisters in my mind.
19:04
I don't know how you got there. It was that fucking ending of
19:06
that chapter. I swear to God I didn't read the
19:09
same thing as you. I feel like he they definitely
19:12
said the sisters. Okay, I'm gonna.
19:14
Look it up. That's where it fucked me up.
19:17
It really fucked you up there, huh?
19:19
It did because I was like, why is she trying to fly with him?
19:22
I feel like we weren't really so much introduced to Brendan as
19:25
much as he was just there. Yeah, he was just there all the
19:28
time. He had all the time in the
19:30
world. How convenient.
19:31
It was a relationship of convenience, yes, Until the
19:35
vaginal. August as August on this, until
19:41
the vaginal orgasm started. And then.
19:46
I don't know. That's when all the wheels fell
19:48
off and I was like orgasm. You know how you know?
19:50
How? You can pinpoint the exact
19:53
moment where the book turns to mush.
19:55
Yeah, that was it. I really.
19:57
There's something about books where they say I love you during
20:00
sex and it really pisses me off. I don't know.
20:02
Why? I don't think I've.
20:03
Ever said I love you the ick it does, and I don't know why.
20:07
That's when. That's the exact moment I like,
20:10
lose my mind. Your voter, your lady voter, my
20:14
lady. Your lady, go to him.
20:16
Mike, my good owner. Your good action.
20:28
The trope that I don't like about the first man you see is
20:30
in these kind of books. There's no competition or choice
20:33
and it's just that's it. Here it is.
20:36
I don't think there's any books like that.
20:38
I don't think I've ever read a book where there's any other
20:41
man. Choice, I know.
20:43
Unless you like. Honestly, unless you read like a
20:46
full series, like something in a series, that's the only time
20:49
you're going to get it. So sad.
20:51
Piper and Hannah, they have the same dad.
20:54
He's the one that died at sea when Piper was full.
20:56
Henry. Henry the Octopus.
20:59
Henry the. Vacuum.
21:02
It's sucked up by the ocean and breathe the Wave Glider so we
21:08
can put him a dead man. Emily.
21:10
Hey. Anyway, Real and the mum just
21:16
never encouraged them to find out.
21:17
And then they're like, oh, cool, I guess we have a grandma now,
21:20
Opal. Yeah.
21:22
Very fitting. What a name.
21:23
Yeah, and then? Opal's been in pure depression
21:27
for like 25 years. It's so sad.
21:31
She hasn't left her house and then Piper just comes in and
21:35
just Elle Woods is her. So like top to toe gives her a
21:38
makeover, which is kind of like that's cure like a mullet.
21:41
Does she wish has a mullet? No cure.
21:47
Any grievance. And we thought this wasn't
21:50
Australian, so that's amazing, really.
21:54
Said. You know what's gonna cure?
21:57
Sads for her son dying mullet. It's like the poor lady's been
22:02
out of Commission for her fucking quarter of a century.
22:05
But you know what? It's gonna get her out and about
22:07
on the dating scene as a oxygenarian or however.
22:10
Oh geez, this is the fucking mullet.
22:17
But what if? OK, what if like?
22:20
There's. Different types of mullets
22:21
let's. Be honest, there's some good
22:25
ones, girl. I'm leaving the chat the very
22:28
the ones that don't look like mullets but are a mullet for
22:31
mullet. But what if, let's say she full
22:34
shaved head rat tail mullets stop with the plat.
22:38
Yes. I just can't add a little spice
22:45
full shaved head, but why tail mullet?
22:48
So only a little bit at the back and then the fringe.
22:52
Just the. Piper, Why?
22:55
And also why does fucking old lady Opal need to get on the
22:58
dating scene to be able to, You know what I mean, Like, just let
23:01
her go to the fucking IGA man. Bingo Woolies.
23:05
They surely have Bingo. Why does her value as a person?
23:09
Have to be attributed to a man wanting to spend time around for
23:13
a man because didn't she say she would be getting on the dating
23:17
scene? It doesn't mean it's for a man.
23:21
You're telling me Opal, someone named Opal with a mullet, is
23:25
going out looking for a man? I thought that's what they
23:29
implied. Probably, but it doesn't make
23:32
sense. You're like this straight
23:34
heteronormativity of it all. Disgusting.
23:38
Sorry, I retract. That.
23:40
For my sanity, Opal needs to be gay.
23:45
Why? Everyone is Opal needs to be
23:47
gay. Everyone needs to be gay because
23:49
OK, I'm the strangest person ever.
23:52
But everyone needs to be gay. No.
23:54
Oh my God. You know what I really wanted by
23:56
the end for Hannah, right? Let's skip to the end.
23:59
I wanted Hannah to be gay. And to just be smoking weed
24:04
somewhere. And don't worry about so gay.
24:06
Don't worry about fucking Fox. I needed her to be gay.
24:10
Gay with her like she's the manager of the record store,
24:14
smoking pot. Gay with the owner or other
24:17
person that works at the record store.
24:19
But she needed to be gay, yeah. That needed to happen.
24:23
It's a lie, though, because that can spoil the next book.
24:25
She gets the well that was obviously going to happen, which
24:30
is what made me so fucking mad at the end, because I hate books
24:35
where they just pair people off for the sake of having a book
24:40
about them. And I know that that's how
24:42
people get a plot going. But don't.
24:44
Just pair off Who was Fox? What do you mean I?
24:48
Didn't even. Fucking properly.
24:50
He was do all the time. But he was a nothing.
24:53
He was a player faceless. The way to Cedal.
24:57
Cedal. Seattle Cedal, yes, Seattle
25:00
Cedal. He was a player in Cedal.
25:06
But like give us some back story, please.
25:10
That's what the next book for. I'm not.
25:13
Gonna I'm just. Probably gonna read it cuz I
25:14
cannot, my brain cannot cope without knowing.
25:19
And it's a problem because I'll read the most trash books that I
25:22
hate and I'll be like I cannot cope.
25:24
Without knowing the rest. And then I'll never think about
25:27
it again. Yes, that's fine.
25:29
Is this a two series then? I think so.
25:31
Yeah, just that in her book, I'm assuming okay.
25:35
I don't know. Where did we get to?
25:37
Where are we? Sorry, it's waiting.
25:39
But here we go. We were talking about.
25:41
Why did that echo through? The whole house.
25:45
But you must leave Oval alone. She's had enough.
25:47
She's got a market pocket mullet.
25:50
She's kind of. Mullet she's had.
25:52
That's how you know she's got a peak.
25:55
Again, it's like Piper just being a dim wit.
25:58
She's dim witted, but well meaning.
26:00
I don't think she's necessarily dumb.
26:03
I think she's just been cuddled so much.
26:06
And. She there is a people pleaser.
26:08
She is. She doesn't allow herself to be
26:12
who she really is because everyone already dismisses her.
26:17
I actually felt really bad for how insecure she was.
26:20
Yeah, and it was not her fault. Not everyone was such a critical
26:24
asshole. And it was men.
26:27
Yeah, all the men and well. And also her mom just.
26:31
Warren doesn't count. She was not even there.
26:34
That's. That's in itself a problem.
26:38
OK, so where did I get to this? In my notes?
26:42
It's like I skipped right ahead. OK, here's my next note.
26:46
Are you ready? Ready for?
26:47
Me to drop this on you. You're looking at me like please
26:52
don't. Not the crazy black pears and
26:55
heavy sack. Thank you.
26:59
I'm screaming because I never. Worry.
27:02
You bitch. Heavy sack again.
27:06
How do you know the heaviness of a sack just from looking at it?
27:09
That must be some very sperm filled balls.
27:13
That must be some like fucking. That's some baby making balls.
27:16
Fucking hell. Like, how big are these balls?
27:19
Are they to the floor? Are they saggy?
27:21
Is that why they're heavy or are they so tight?
27:23
They're so heavy. Oh, dense, dense, Not
27:27
squishable, no. Do they have the?
27:30
Weight of a small planet Like why do they?
27:33
Do they have their own gravitational?
27:34
Pool. They have a weight of a small
27:36
child. Millions.
27:39
Not the cells, not the little Brandons in there.
27:43
I thought his name's Braden. It's OK.
27:49
Wait, Brandon. It's Brendan, isn't it?
27:52
It's Brendan. Same shit.
27:57
Brendan Target got target target, We just need to stop
28:04
because apparently. We can't even.
28:06
Talk today, dude. Fuck it all.
28:10
So Brendan touché has some heavy set, heavy set bowl.
28:16
They just haven't been melt enough.
28:19
You know what? I don't know how I feel about
28:22
the heavy sack, but can I just say that I very much approve of
28:25
the details, because you never get any details.
28:30
It's not the quality of the details, the quantity.
28:32
Didn't it say something like veiny math of the shaft?
28:39
Veiny shaft. There was a lot of random
28:41
description like the snail travel.
28:43
There was definitely that somewhere.
28:46
There was a lot. There was a velvet helmet.
28:49
There. Was a velvet helmet.
28:50
And I was like, I definitely saved this exact thing for this
28:57
exact moment. So I'm just gonna.
28:59
I look up sack as soon as I'm serious.
29:06
The the weight and steel of him, the thick black hair at the
29:09
base, the heavy sack. He was long, smooth and broad,
29:12
veins wrapped around him like lines on a road map.
29:16
Damn. Damn, There's a lot going on
29:18
down there. There was.
29:20
You can always see it right in your face, you know So with all
29:26
that sack. Oh God.
29:31
So she gives him a blowy because she's like, oh, this poor man.
29:35
How how was the. Sack is so heavy.
29:36
Because he hasn't fucking do you reckon she just pulled out a
29:39
scale? Yeah.
29:42
One of those kitchen ones. She's like, sure, about 50
29:44
kilos. Jesus.
29:46
Yeah, I'm so sorry. You know what, Consent King,
29:53
though, Because he asked to put his hands even though his whole
29:58
titties were in his face. Right.
30:01
He was like, can I put your hands, my hands up your dress?
30:04
Right. Consenting of consent.
30:06
The bare minimum. It's so sexy, though.
30:08
It is in the right if it's said in the right way.
30:11
Yeah, it makes things better. Yeah, it does.
30:14
Only insults will tell you otherwise.
30:16
Insults will be like it ruins the mood when women have an
30:19
option to say no. Meanwhile, like the pussy be
30:22
flown. Exactly.
30:26
I love the hand motion. We need to.
30:28
Know. That one time there was that
30:30
book and we were like, it was like Mind Mouse.
30:34
Yeah, and pussy. Yeah, in this mouth.
30:37
Every time. Mine milk, pussy.
30:41
And this one. It's like your mind, your eyes,
30:44
your legs in your pussy. Damn, we've got a whole acronym
30:48
going. Got a whole body.
30:51
What happened to just my neck, my back, my pussy in my.
30:53
Crack. Keep it old school.
30:56
Like let's not. Get too crazy.
30:57
Here. Anyway, velvet helmet, Velvet
31:00
helmet. She closed her mouth on the
31:02
velvet helmet. Oh.
31:04
Oh. So we just look at how big this
31:09
is and strogging. Anyway, she went to work, and
31:15
then they were they were practically kind of like
31:17
somewhat Ooh, we're into each other.
31:19
Yeah. And then he ate her out on the
31:21
table. Yeah.
31:22
Then he was going away from work for the first time.
31:25
Uh huh. For two weeks, she heard about a
31:28
big storm. A bad 1A bad one.
31:32
And she was panicking about it. She was panicking so much she
31:35
went to his house to sleep in his bed, in his shirt and
31:37
fucking no undies or something. And it's just like bad pussy.
31:45
Just like imagining someone I'm not dating yet and me just like
31:49
fucking frothing because they're.
31:52
Possibly. Dying.
31:53
I'm like, you know what would make?
31:54
This better if I rubbed my bear couch.
31:58
Fucking personal property. And kitten chittering, he came
32:02
back and he's like, I could smell it all over my pillow.
32:05
Go. What's going on down?
32:07
There What? Just got a case of the BV?
32:10
What is going on? Why is it so lifted up?
32:13
Why is it so much warmer? Why is it so strong?
32:19
I'm like. Stop.
32:20
She's. Not skunk spraying all over his
32:22
bed, No, she's like scooting like snail trailing.
32:29
She's. Just quitting.
32:33
Oh, fuck me. But anyway, she's panicking, OK?
32:37
I don't know. He's snowed her for like 2
32:39
weeks, right? Minimum, right.
32:41
And he gave her a house key. This bitch is asking to be
32:46
robbed, but. And then?
32:52
Like that is so dumb. Anyway.
32:54
She finds out because Hannah finds out from someone that
32:56
there's been an accident. She's like, Oh my God, this is
32:58
not even anytime to put anything on my pussy.
33:04
She's pare back in it. It's not like bouncing on his
33:08
fucking truck seat. Fucking pussy out.
33:11
Just. Fucking no shoes.
33:15
Crossy feet. Oh.
33:19
Shit, I'm. Going to pee myself to be fit.
33:23
She's wearing pants, She's wearing wet shoes like that
33:28
helps. And.
33:30
Just looking like a hot mess. Rocks up to the hospital.
33:32
Like, no, like, dramatically. Come on.
33:34
Yeah, we love a bit of drummer the drama.
33:37
You can't tell me that she fully thought he was dead.
33:40
It's like, stop. Why does anyone not have anymore
33:43
context? I know.
33:45
And then she's just like running through the hospital.
33:48
Crying. Turns the corner, he's.
33:50
There, just normal. He's just still on totally fine
33:55
with his coffee. He's like, oh, he's.
33:59
Like, is that my shirt? Have you?
34:02
Been in. My wet shoes.
34:05
He's. Wearing my.
34:06
Crocs. No.
34:11
Just so much. She's in his fisherman booth
34:14
like they got size 14 feet and then she she's rolling up in his
34:18
fucking Crocs. She's just slip slips up and up
34:21
in there. He's never going to want to bone
34:23
again. But anyway, he was transfixed.
34:26
He was like, so hot, yeah. And then?
34:29
He just brings her into another room.
34:31
Right. OK, but this is her.
34:34
She was like, grinding on him. Right.
34:37
In the open. Bare pussy, Bare pussy.
34:42
What is going on? I don't know how she got that
34:45
horny because she's literally grinding, slipping down the wall
34:50
and he's pretty much like, God, let's find somewhere more
34:53
private. Dumb bitch.
34:55
It's like they said there's people around, OK, so they're
35:01
getting hot, they're grinding on each other.
35:04
Not the fucking recent STI screening.
35:06
Fucking questionnaire. Writers are about to bang while
35:09
they're in the hospital. May as well fucking Don the
35:12
doctor's robe and do some role play while you're there.
35:14
Oh my God. Stop it.
35:15
Put her on the table. Stare a lot.
35:17
Stop it. He's like, got a lot.
35:18
Little torchy. It's in every book.
35:22
They're like, you know what? I never would have wondered.
35:25
I know. Just let us enjoy the fact that
35:28
this is a fantasy. We don't.
35:30
You know what? We're not worried about them
35:31
getting Sdi's. Surprisingly, that's not the bit
35:34
that took me out, you know? It was all the sex talk.
35:38
It was coming heavy and it was coming fast.
35:41
It was too much and too weird. So true.
35:47
And I don't know. The desperation turned me off.
35:50
He licked your purse and you're like, practically skinning and
35:55
sliding down a hospital. Like, fucking good luck getting
35:58
me to look that hysterical 10 years into my marriage.
36:01
She's looking like a crazy bitch scar down her face.
36:05
Probably she's looking like the grudge running.
36:07
Around these hospitals. Like like a big ass And Matt and
36:09
her hair because she didn't have time to brush it.
36:14
Stop just humping him against the wall.
36:17
I know. I was just like, can we talk
36:20
about how they okay? This might be a personal thing.
36:24
I'm always concerned when they describe the guy's erection as
36:28
painful. You know when they overdo it,
36:31
When they're like. Oh.
36:33
His Dick, it's it's the erection is hurting him so much that
36:36
doesn't sound normal. Well, good things in the
36:39
hospital. I know he needs to walk on down
36:43
to the ER because this is not normal.
36:45
I'm like that's. Just too much blood flow.
36:47
Yeah, something's going on. If your penis is trapped in your
36:50
pants and you can't let it out, and then that's painful.
36:53
But when it's like, the erection itself is painful.
36:56
I'm like. I don't know if that recent STI.
36:59
Was very close I. Don't know.
37:00
When did he do it? 2008.
37:02
Why is that taking me out so much?
37:09
When did this wife even die? He did it before.
37:15
I'm dying. OK, Can we talk about the high
37:18
maintenance pussy? Yes, please.
37:20
Why is this happening? One is enough.
37:23
Mentioning that shit twice is too many times.
37:26
Does he know her enough to say something like that though?
37:28
Like what if you don't want to? What?
37:31
She loved it. I know that she loved it, but
37:33
it's kind of like, what's a low maintenance pussy?
37:37
A weepy one? She be weeping.
37:42
She be weeping. Like what is a low maintenance
37:46
pussy like? Full Bush.
37:48
I don't know, because he's like, she's not really that high
37:51
maintenance. No, that's what I mean.
37:52
I'm like, he's all give me that high maintenance pussy and I'm
37:55
going to be the only one maintaining it.
37:56
Like, OK, fucking chill. OK, Gardner, right?
38:00
Like, put the hedge trimmers away.
38:02
We know you can trim the Bush, but just.
38:04
Chill. It's fine.
38:07
Yeah, I don't know. I don't think she's.
38:09
That high maintenance me either. But anyway, I don't know.
38:13
Have you got anything else for that sex scene?
38:14
Because I everything. Every time I had.
38:16
Sex. It was cringe to me.
38:19
This had a lot of cheesy sex scenes.
38:21
No, I just, I can't do the, like the talking back and forth, the
38:26
talking back and forth, because you that's what it mainly was.
38:30
I don't know any single time I would be turned on by Is there
38:35
anything maybe lately about the way I'm giving you this clock?
38:38
Because I absolutely would. That's too much like too much of
38:42
the sentence Flanders me right now.
38:45
How do we doodly neighbor? You know?
38:50
Do you like how I'm diddling my doodly?
38:52
That's. Whichly where I went with that.
38:55
Take that neighborly. Shut up, girl, and take my
39:00
neighborly. Yeah, your friendly
39:05
neighborhood. What Fucking Jiggler.
39:11
You call me your navely Dick, man.
39:14
I just, I, you know, like Jim's mowing.
39:20
It's just like Jim's cocking. It's a dialer gigolo service.
39:25
No. And then he does your lawn after
39:30
after you get me off. If you do it before.
39:33
Oh shit. OK, so soon after they were kind
39:36
of both freaking out about what this meant for them.
39:40
It didn't really freak me out. I was like, there's no reason
39:42
why they come beautiful. Just just.
39:45
It's just the distance and her insecurities.
39:47
It wasn't that big of a deal. Brandon was very much like,
39:50
we're dating and she was like. We are not and he already
39:55
decided. Actually that gives me the eat.
39:57
More than anything. It was the lack of consent about
39:59
the relationship because he was consensual about sex and he
40:03
leapt straight to this is going to be my wife and I'm like, bro.
40:06
Fucking. Start.
40:07
It from you got to go. From A-Z, you don't just go
40:10
straight to Z. He just.
40:13
Put it in her and he's like this.
40:14
Is the one this is. Wife.
40:16
Pussy, I think because there's not that many women in that
40:19
town. There was not much
40:21
consideration. It was the same as when he
40:23
pretty much told her that she was going to move in.
40:25
He didn't even want to have a conversation about it.
40:29
No, he was like, what is there to talk about?
40:33
I think it's trying to go with the possessive trope, yeah.
40:36
But. It didn't work in this scenario.
40:39
It's just grumpy. Yeah.
40:40
Why did he turn so grumpy? He had a chance.
40:43
The more than friends conversation was so fucking
40:45
awkward. Because she was just like, can
40:47
we just be more than friends? And he's like, I'm not happy
40:50
with that unless you're my wife forever.
40:52
For a million decades and. Like you need to spit in my
40:55
mouth. And Blood Brothers, I mean blood
40:58
wife. So we haven't talked about it
41:00
much. But Brendan had a wife called
41:03
Desiree. And what we know of it from the
41:05
beginning is they were married. And the reason why he got the
41:08
job as captain is because her dad set him up on that boat,
41:12
blah, blah, blah. So you just think, close knit
41:14
family. She passed away, which is really
41:16
tragic. How did she die?
41:17
Again? Aneurysm.
41:20
All right. OK, so it was a sudden death.
41:22
Yeah. And he was still wearing his
41:24
wedding ring. So that's what.
41:25
We know about it when they. Start hooking up and getting
41:28
together though. Immediately Brendan's like, get
41:32
this. Fucking.
41:32
Ring off my finger, I'm only wearing it from Mick and.
41:35
Then Mick. Kept coming in at the stupidest
41:37
times. Fuck me.
41:38
Fuck off, Mick. It's been 7 years.
41:40
It's been 7 years since she died.
41:42
Yeah. Mick has this like expectation
41:45
that Brendan's supposed to be faithful forever.
41:47
And it's like I don't even think Desiree would care that much.
41:51
They weren't. Really a couple.
41:52
They just were together for being together.
41:55
But you know, what's even more gross?
41:57
Brendan's explaining his relationship true Piper because
42:01
Piper's insecure and stuff, and she thinks I'm never gonna live
42:04
up to Desiree. And he's like, I didn't even
42:06
like that bitch. Who even is she?
42:10
I feel obligated. I felt obligated because I was
42:13
ready talking to her dad and we kind of went to the same school
42:15
and she was there and I'm like. Way to desecrate your wife's
42:19
fucking entire life. And then he's like, I've never
42:23
felt about anyone until you came along and I was never attracted
42:26
to her. And I was like, what a horrible
42:29
person. And we're supposed to still like
42:32
him when it could have made more sense for Brendan to actually be
42:35
sad that his wife died. But they're like, it's OK
42:38
because Piper's better, you know, He could have liked both
42:41
of them equally. It would have made more sense.
42:43
It would have made more sense. It just made him seem like such
42:47
a two separate people at 2 separate times in your life.
42:49
Exactly. It made him seem like such a
42:51
douche, like he resented. I'm just trying to work out how
42:54
old he was. Brendan.
42:56
Yeah. Yeah, I don't think they he was
42:58
a 50 year old male. Yeah.
43:01
So as soon as he was banging Piper, he's like, this is the
43:04
girl for me. Fuck Desiree.
43:07
So they kept banging and then this is when they were suddenly
43:11
in love. And they were so soppy with each
43:14
other. I was this.
43:15
When we were getting the sex affirmations, I think so, yeah.
43:19
The because I don't. This is the first time in the
43:22
hospital room. It threw me out a bit.
43:25
It wasn't the worst. But the second time she was
43:29
like, he just knows how to earn it.
43:31
And then he was like, I satisfy my girlfriend's pussy every
43:35
time. I just.
43:36
That was. So weird you had to say that in
43:39
the moment and they'd only just labeled the relationship.
43:42
Wasn't that like in the changing room too?
43:44
Imagine if you're walking past the changing room and you just
43:47
hear this. I satisfy my girlfriend all the
43:50
time like I think it was in the hotel room, right?
43:52
After the changing. Room.
43:53
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, that was even weirder.
43:57
Yeah, I'm like, what are you doing?
43:58
Do that in public, in case you try to tell.
44:02
Show this in your. Primary dog room.
44:03
How? Dare they?
44:04
Why would you do? It if no one's going to hear
44:06
that and judge you. Like who?
44:12
Is he saying that ball? They say, but she said it.
44:16
She started first. Oh, that's right.
44:18
What did she say? Like my boyfriend was on.
44:20
What was she talking about like? Oh, she said, I don't know.
44:23
I feel so sorry for the artists who read the book.
44:28
For the voice. For the voice actors.
44:29
Because he goes, that make you hot baby.
44:32
Hearing how you being your man is getting me off.
44:34
Get your boyfriend off, say it again.
44:36
And then she goes. My boyfriend fucks me.
44:39
So right I let him come inside me whenever he wants, whenever
44:42
he knows just how to earn it. My girl, stop.
44:51
Shit. OK, going back to the change
44:52
room. So this.
44:55
Was the weird dynamic of her being like, oh, I've got to buy
44:59
jeans. Yeah, because then he'll value
45:01
me as a person because I remember he initially made fun
45:04
of my wardrobe. So here I am trying jeans and
45:06
he's frothing over these jeans. So there was this point in time,
45:09
Wait, was this in the change room or beforehand?
45:11
Sorry, I'm going all over the place.
45:12
There was a bit where she said. Oh, you want a photo of me?
45:15
And he was like, yes, give me a photo.
45:18
Yeah. And then she's like, oh, yeah,
45:21
I'll, you know, photos. And then she started stripping
45:25
and he was the one taking the photos, right?
45:27
Yeah. Gotta say, if that was me, that
45:30
would be my 13th reason. Can you fucking imagine?
45:34
There is 0% fucking chance that my boyfriend would take one
45:38
flattering photo of me actively stripping my clothes off.
45:42
I could imagine Brendan has never used the phone in a day in
45:46
his life and he doesn't know the angles.
45:49
He was taking selfies. But Can you imagine the
45:52
resulting photos if your boyfriend was in charge in that
45:55
circumstance? She knows her angles, she knows
45:57
her lighting, she's fine. But he doesn't, and he's on
46:01
taking them and he's probably setting it to his wallpaper of
46:04
her pulling down her mint G string or whatever.
46:06
The fuck it was. Though she had no underwear
46:08
because. Hannah.
46:09
Didn't. Bring it.
46:12
Apparently when you go on a boat and your sister packs you a bag,
46:15
she doesn't give you bras or underwear and because she knows
46:19
you just got a fresh wax, so she's after oh shit, she's like,
46:23
I want you to feel the wind on your pussy, sis.
46:27
Wind in your hair and the. Wind in your Gucci hands.
46:32
At. Least it's breathable.
46:37
If you're interested in exploring that kind of new
46:40
boyfriend vibe, this is maybe the book for you if you want
46:44
that. Ooh, I've got a boyfriend.
46:45
Exciting. That's that's the only vibe it
46:48
was giving, but it was giving me childish.
46:51
If it got. Worse and worse as the time
46:53
progressed. Do you reckon it's because it's
46:55
a nice, strange thing that we say partner and not boyfriend
46:58
girlfriend. Do you say that?
47:00
It depends. I interchange it.
47:03
Yeah, I always say my partner. Disgusting.
47:06
I'm an old lady. The thing about this book
47:09
though, is they kept playing off on it all the time.
47:12
They were making it sappy. Ill That's what was gross about
47:16
We hate Sabby. You know, when they're in the
47:18
change rooms And then she's calculating how much money he
47:21
earns. Yeah.
47:21
She's like, Oh no, I've gone and gotten myself a rich boyfriend.
47:25
Oh. Boohoo.
47:26
I'm like, shut up. Bitch, I was so mad.
47:29
I was like you fucking how dare you, little skank.
47:34
They would buy more. No, because she was like, I'm
47:38
like, oh. I fell amongst wealthy
47:41
gentlemen. How dead.
47:43
And he's gone two weeks out of time and he's hot and I will
47:46
like hope Muscly probably wipes his own ass.
47:50
I know I was just like she's out here hitting the side factor.
47:54
My minimum wage household house husband us without minimum wage
48:00
households, but it's like a low income household.
48:09
Really. Afford one pair of jeans, let
48:11
alone the 20 she picked up. But then he was like he turned
48:15
full Massimo. And he's like, let me spoil you,
48:17
let me buy you all these jeans. I was like.
48:19
When have I ever had that offer? When when she pulled out a
48:24
fucking phone calculator. I'm like how?
48:27
She's so dumb she can't workout literally anything else.
48:30
But she worked out 8000 tons or 80,000 ton of crabs.
48:35
And the the best part though, was when she's like, this isn't
48:37
going to work, Brendan, because I want to be humble now.
48:40
And then he had a full connection.
48:42
Like he had a full panic attack. He was like, this can't not
48:46
work. I'm like it's.
48:47
Like I thought, this is exactly what she wanted.
48:51
He's. Such an idiot, that's why.
48:53
It got real. Juvenile because they both had
48:56
so much relationship anxiety that it was really annoying to
48:59
read. You know what?
49:01
I think it's because neither of them had been in a relationship,
49:03
really. But he shouldn't.
49:05
He had a full wife. He had a full wife.
49:08
His wife deserved better. Oh, 100%.
49:11
That's when she was making his Dick hard.
49:14
Because he was like, I'm out of here.
49:16
He was. Like.
49:17
Really. She's like, I can't let you buy
49:20
this. And he was like spoiling you.
49:21
Makes my Dick hard. Look, I will give the book an
49:26
extra point for not having a fucking ballroom, so at least he
49:31
wasn't fucking buying her a gown.
49:33
No fake dating. Yes.
49:36
Dude, I actually wrote it at the end.
49:38
I'm so happy there was no fake dating and no fucking ballroom.
49:41
That just gave it a whole extra. You know what?
49:43
There was the opportunity. Oh.
49:45
There always is, because they're both rich.
49:49
Where was the charity ball? I know it.
49:53
Was like. And to be fair, he was a consent
49:57
king, so normally it's the emotionally repressed.
50:01
Guy with icy blue eyes that goes along with the ballroom and the
50:05
fake dating. Yeah, that's true, Yeah.
50:08
Brandon. Doesn't know anything more.
50:09
Than jeans and a flaming Brandon.
50:13
Brandon. Yeah, jeans and a flaming
50:15
Brandon. We love a humble king.
50:17
He's got the bushy black pubes. He's got everything a girl could
50:21
want just imagining the full, you know, like the black full
50:30
chest hair. I think they said he had chested
50:35
because remember she was spraying Cologne into his chest.
50:38
What was with the Cologne and the and then she picked one that
50:41
was basically wet dog and she was like, she's like perfect.
50:47
It smells exactly like you, Moss and fucking filth.
50:51
And I was like Okie. And then she sniffed him and
50:58
just stayed there. And then he was running out of
51:01
body space for her to put colognes.
51:03
Oh my God, his ankle, babe. Would you imagine her like with
51:10
the booty hole? Oh my God, we had to.
51:13
Talk about the finger in the bum.
51:15
Talk about booty holes. We love a good finger in the
51:17
bum. I love how they collectively
51:19
decided that they were gonna laugh about it but not talk
51:22
about it. I'm annoyed because I wanted the
51:24
talk about it. Wasn't he true?
51:26
I'm like. Where?
51:27
To talk about it, it was like, it's the only thing about it.
51:30
It was like. The.
51:33
Equivalent of a fade to black? No, because he was like, are we
51:37
going to talk about the finger? And I'm like, well, are we?
51:40
And then it just next chapter, he came harder than a rocket.
51:45
I've told me that they should have talked about it.
51:47
I want to know if she's got to do it more.
51:49
Like that's all I wanted to know.
51:51
You know what's interesting? Men understand consent when it's
51:55
about their Boo hole, right? Yeah.
51:59
Did she ask? She did ask.
52:01
Whoop. Whoop.
52:02
Police. Times.
52:06
She didn't ask. She not only she didn't ask, She
52:09
smiled. Oh my God.
52:14
Joyous times. And it was just one finger.
52:19
One finger, right. One little finger in the
52:22
clenched hole. You don't know what's going on
52:24
back there, for, you know, if he wipes, you don't know.
52:28
You don't know if he's been. Holding in it all day.
52:30
That's what I mean. You don't know what's going on
52:33
there, like at least a little like a we good.
52:41
Yeah, she was like massageing his butt hole.
52:45
Sort of. We good.
52:46
I don't. Even think she like.
52:48
There was no more there. Was no Lube.
52:51
There was no wetness. There was no moisture.
52:54
She didn't even massage to go in.
52:55
She just. I thought she'd do a.
52:57
Little bit. Do you think she was like full
52:59
finger deep or just like the tip?
53:02
No, I reckon she was in there. Do you even think she has nails
53:06
though? True.
53:06
Do you reckon she's got the Cardi B's?
53:10
The Khloe Kardashians. She got fucking velociraptor
53:12
clause. You would hope they would talk
53:14
about it then. I know she's pulling out a whole
53:17
line that just upped the ante. What if she pulled out like the
53:22
thickness of her finger in poop on the neck?
53:25
Because it's that long. The pooper scoopers.
53:30
That would probably be a dream. She'd be like oh so, so musky
53:35
so. Masculine.
53:38
Yes, the masculine. She's like, oh, not the smell of
53:41
masculine turds in the morning. I love the smell of a man that
53:45
eats fish like 20. Times a day, not the.
53:49
Fishy poops, so. You.
53:52
Can't eat fish that much. The mercury will take you out, I
53:56
don't know how. He hasn't committed.
53:58
The suicide eating fish alone. He likes it, OK?
54:03
He sticks to what he. Likes.
54:06
And then they. Go and not talk about it.
54:09
Fucking. But then he eats her ass out.
54:11
And you know what? You know what the best part
54:14
about that is? That was like her reward for
54:17
saying she loved him back. He was like, give me that
54:19
asshole girl. It's always the way.
54:22
It's always the it's usually finally the love.
54:25
And they go straight to anal. Usually it's like, oh, she loves
54:29
me anal time. And also they did the same.
54:33
Thing. They're like, are we gonna talk
54:35
about that? And then it was like fade to
54:37
black and I was like, oh, but I wanted to be in booty shots.
54:41
See the thing. Happens like what the?
54:45
Fuck, you can't be in my ass. She.
54:49
Had a great time. Her ass was aided.
54:54
It was aided up. It was gone.
54:57
She was up the wall. She wasn't shooting down the
55:00
wall. No.
55:02
Do you reckon he was full tongue punching it?
55:05
Yeah, he was in the tongue deep. Do you reckon he's got like a
55:11
long tongue? Yes.
55:15
Long and thick. It's all that fishy, eats all
55:17
that protein. I'm so done.
55:22
How do we crawl? Back from this, we're so far in
55:27
the cutter. We can't.
55:30
Crawl back. This book was awesome.
55:33
There used to be a time when I thought this book was OK.
55:36
Trigger warning for booty holes. I just want to know you can't
55:41
just be like are we going to talk about the most juicy part
55:44
right And then not talk about care about his penis?
55:47
We could look at a velvet fucking helmet anytime.
55:51
Tell us about the booty hole. I want to know was it perfectly
55:54
blue? How deep?
55:55
I want to know how deep. I want to know if that booty
55:57
hole was bleached. I want to know if we got up to
56:00
like 2 fingers in his booty hole.
56:02
I want to know if he flossed with her G string afterwards.
56:05
These are the real questions. That's true.
56:06
Because remember, he wanked with her G String.
56:09
Apparently that's the thing, you know.
56:10
You know what though? You usually read a book and they
56:14
do it in private. Yes.
56:15
So I'm glad It was like a sex together thing, right?
56:19
She had the option to say what the fuck are you doing instead
56:22
of them stealing? Being a stalker.
56:24
Yeah. Yeah.
56:27
Anti stealer. OK.
56:29
While we're still on board with butt holes and sex and stuff.
56:32
OK, Yeah. I'm always on board.
56:36
We're always having to go. Back then, her constant
56:38
amazement about the vaginal orgasms, she's had a heart
56:42
telling everybody she was telling it.
56:44
She was very open. Keep that to yourself, girl.
56:46
You don't just let everyone know your man's for these streets.
56:50
You don't let them know what he's doing.
56:52
She was telling Hannah, though, she's like advertising it.
56:56
She's like shouting it on the rooftops.
56:58
Vaginal orgasm. It's literally what it was.
57:02
I wouldn't be surprised if she rolled over to OPALS and was
57:05
like. Vaginal orgasm she.
57:07
Probably didn't think it was a thing.
57:09
She's had a heart. Like, I'm glad she's getting
57:11
him, but I mean, she didn't. She just glossed over him as a
57:15
person completely because I didn't care.
57:19
She gasped him up too much in one go because there was one
57:22
moment where she said he's the best sex that she's had ever,
57:25
ever, ever, ever. There was multiple things she
57:28
said at once. She's never had good sex.
57:31
But don't. Gas up a man.
57:32
That much? Big mistake.
57:33
Don't gas up man. Ever.
57:35
Well, they've already got an inbuilt ego, so you don't need
57:37
to. Like you don't need to gas.
57:41
Them up that much? Oh, yeah, no, he's fine.
57:44
I don't know what a what? A noodle brain.
57:48
Piper. Yeah.
57:49
Pepper. Piper.
57:50
Peter Piper picked. So the sex scenes, I found the
57:55
banter corny. Just I I actually, I do like
57:59
funny banter insects and I do like some talking insects.
58:04
But it was like pure sex affirmations, and I cannot get
58:08
past the fact that it was like I fucked my girlfriend's pussy so
58:12
good. OK, I know.
58:14
So you need to tell yourself I know.
58:16
It's just so direct and obvious. He.
58:19
Would have gotten. Off so much better if he just
58:22
told her a good girl. You just scale it back, buddy.
58:26
No, go down to the back to the bare minimum.
58:27
Let's start from the beginning, Brendan, because you're having a
58:31
bad time. Things are moving along, right?
58:34
It was weird. He kind of gave her this
58:36
ultimatum. He wanted her to move in
58:39
permanently without talking to her about it.
58:41
So that was already the first expectation.
58:44
And then he was like, well, you've got to rock up.
58:47
At the fucking dock. And if you don't, I'll assume
58:51
that you're pussying out of this relationship.
58:53
And like, I think it's because our three months was almost up,
58:56
Yeah, that he needed to know and he just didn't know.
58:59
I would hate loving someone and not knowing if they were gonna
59:02
leave. Nay, I'd be like.
59:05
That's fun. It's a spicy time, yeah, just
59:09
keeping it interesting. Keeping it on the edge.
59:11
But the bit that pissed me off was he was.
59:13
So mad at her having a quote UN quote backup plan.
59:16
And it wasn't even a backup plan.
59:17
It was stuff that was going on in the background without her
59:20
control. It was Kirby being like, Oh my
59:23
God, you're on a magazine. People are interested.
59:25
So you have the option people want to see you again.
59:28
But she could go home and come back.
59:29
That's what I mean, to visit. And she was gonna get hundreds
59:33
of thousands of dollars to go do this sponsorship deal, which
59:36
she'd probably needed, and she could come back.
59:39
And then she could use all that money to put into the bar.
59:41
I would love to know how much money Daniel gave her, because
59:44
she had enough money to do a lot of things.
59:46
Some kind of. She was still talking about her
59:48
grand opening, so it wasn't like she was just gonna open this bar
59:52
and then leave. Yeah.
59:53
He wanted her to have. Full tunnel vision and him to be
59:56
the only focus. And I was like, I hate it.
59:58
She's not allowed to have a life outside of him already.
1:00:01
Yeah, but she already demonstrated how much she cares
1:00:04
about him since the hospital visit from the early, early on
1:00:08
since so. Like why are you making her
1:00:10
prove herself even more? Just because she doesn't want to
1:00:13
move in immediately? Both so insecure, that's
1:00:16
literally. Or it came down to is that was
1:00:18
so insecure that they had nothing to go off either.
1:00:22
It was just weird how much he was trying to lock her in.
1:00:24
I think he just wanted to know if she was staying, but he was
1:00:28
the one that decided she had to stay.
1:00:30
He was kind of expecting her to move in, remember?
1:00:33
Yeah. He sort of glossed over it and
1:00:35
mentioned it like to Hannah in a conversation without even.
1:00:39
And she's kind of like, wouldn't we have to have a realistic
1:00:42
conversation about that? Where would I put my laundry?
1:00:44
Their relationship's going to change.
1:00:45
There's going to be no mystery. And he just dismissed it all.
1:00:48
He's like me. But that's how she feels about
1:00:50
it, Yeah. It's like you.
1:00:53
And it was so ridiculous. Why would you being on the cover
1:00:56
of some gossip magazine? Make you that in demand to be at
1:01:00
a club? Yeah, it doesn't.
1:01:02
There's. Probably $500 to come party with
1:01:05
you. The return of the party girl
1:01:08
when the party she did ended up kind of like floppy because it
1:01:11
got closed down. I was talking about the party
1:01:13
because the party was trash. Who needs a mechanical Unicorn?
1:01:18
What is she, Katy Perry? She's not singing.
1:01:21
That would give me the. Egg.
1:01:22
I would run away so fast, yeah. So she went back to LA to do
1:01:26
this sponsored thing because the Bart reopening was a flop and no
1:01:29
one showed up. Yeah, and she had already missed
1:01:32
the dock because some emergency because bloody aid fell over and
1:01:35
she couldn't get to the dock. So he's out on the sea thinking
1:01:38
that she doesn't want to be with him.
1:01:40
She sent a message and then yeah, he had no reception.
1:01:43
Yeah, she thinks he doesn't give a fuck because he's out to sea
1:01:47
and like. He thinks that she's broken up
1:01:49
with him and so she goes home to get that money, sis, and then
1:01:53
she's going up in this freaking Unicorn like JoJo Siwa or
1:01:56
something, and then. Like who's doing that?
1:01:59
In a club, she's not singing, she's not dancing, she's not
1:02:02
anyone. She probably never had.
1:02:04
I don't know, you think they'd just put her up in a VIP DJ
1:02:07
booth or something if she's a no talenter, like if she's just an
1:02:09
important what Kirby does for a job to.
1:02:12
Organize this shit. And why was everyone going wild
1:02:15
for her? And they were like, chanting
1:02:16
Piper and I was like, this is so not how a nightclub would be,
1:02:20
but anyway, And then so of course, he dramatically comes to
1:02:23
LA and he sees her in the crowd. And because he's realized he's
1:02:26
mistake, you know, he should have had more faith.
1:02:30
And she said that too. But it took everyone telling him
1:02:34
that she was crying, right. And then all the things mounted
1:02:38
on each other. He's like, oh shit, she's
1:02:39
actually a decent human being. And I pressured her too much,
1:02:42
duh. I mean, she was already going to
1:02:44
stay. I know.
1:02:46
Walking Abe every day, that's a lot for.
1:02:49
To. Do for free in your own time,
1:02:50
Yeah. And he pretty much was like it's
1:02:53
wife immediately or nothing. And that's was the option that
1:02:56
he gave her. And then he was confused why she
1:02:59
got scared. How dare she?
1:03:02
This is the dumbest part, the way that the club scene went.
1:03:05
If you're getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars, at
1:03:08
least put on a good. Show.
1:03:10
She was there like, oh. Kobe, I've got to hop.
1:03:12
Off and she's like, oh, you can't hop off.
1:03:14
You're already on. And then she's just yelling out
1:03:16
to Brenton in the crowd. How embarrassing.
1:03:19
Everyone was. Like crowding her trying to get
1:03:20
photos and stuff. At least do the job.
1:03:23
Well, you're already there. You're going to get paid.
1:03:25
Yeah, get your liquor license. And I guess that doesn't really
1:03:29
matter when you've got a rich dad, a stepdad and a rich
1:03:32
boyfriend. True.
1:03:34
But the way that she was, like, I can't do this.
1:03:37
I can't be this person. You're not doing porn.
1:03:41
You're at a nightclub getting paid to look good.
1:03:44
Yeah. You're not.
1:03:45
I deal. With another guy, I really think
1:03:47
she went back to see if that was the lifestyle she wanted to live
1:03:50
and it just wasn't. Yeah, but I mean, come on, you
1:03:53
can't have that much of an existential crisis over it.
1:03:57
Just treat it as your last event.
1:03:59
Then her ex is in the crowd and he's like, Oh my God, we should
1:04:02
get a drink. But how am I going on?
1:04:04
Now that you're relevant again? Who are you, Sir?
1:04:09
He needed to be a better obstacle because he was nothing.
1:04:12
Fucking Brendan, of course, pushes him away, Flicks him like
1:04:15
an Ant. I was like, Joseph, how big is
1:04:18
this man? I know how small is this other
1:04:21
man? He flicks him away.
1:04:22
So that's a complete nonissue, yeah.
1:04:24
And then they're grinding and all.
1:04:26
He's grabbing her eyes with these two, grinding in public
1:04:30
all the time and every the spotlight would be on her.
1:04:33
For whatever she was performing. I don't know.
1:04:36
And then everyone's swarming around you in a dark night club
1:04:38
trying to get a selfie with you. And then you're supposed to fish
1:04:42
smelling boyfriend is is there just like grabbing on your
1:04:45
asshole so that no guy could struggle.
1:04:48
Never. Always like straddled and always
1:04:50
grinding. They're sorry, little babies.
1:04:53
They're like, I'll never leave you again.
1:04:55
I'll never leave you. Oh, my heart.
1:04:58
I'll just be your fish wife. Please just let me be your fish
1:05:01
wife. Fucking she's sorry.
1:05:04
That's my dramatic reenactment. And he's like, Oh my God, I was
1:05:08
so bored. She's slipping and sliding.
1:05:11
Please forgive me. Oh, everyone in town had to tell
1:05:14
me. And then he's like, it's OK.
1:05:16
The bar reopening wasn't a total flop.
1:05:18
Everyone was just at home because they were freaking out
1:05:21
about the fucking poor fucking Hannah.
1:05:24
I know when we were reading that bit where they went into the
1:05:27
bar, yeah, Fox went in and helped.
1:05:28
I was like. Why didn't?
1:05:30
You go in there and help Brendan because he was busy demanding
1:05:33
answers off of her. I'm like this.
1:05:35
Poor girl. Being harassed by Brendan when
1:05:38
she's already busy? Oh yeah, What was with Daniel
1:05:41
just not even coming at all? What was the point then?
1:05:44
Daniel is a disappointment. He was never going to show.
1:05:48
He gives flaky stepdad that just pays them.
1:05:52
But The thing is, that was his whole purpose was to force them
1:05:56
to develop their character in a way like Hannah was just along
1:06:00
for the ride. But then he's like.
1:06:02
I don't even want to see the result because I'm probably butt
1:06:05
hurt because it's my wife's ex husband's place.
1:06:09
He didn't even care. He was like, I thought you would
1:06:11
be begging to come back. This is where her insecurity
1:06:14
comes from, yeah, even Brendan realized, and he was like, fuck,
1:06:18
this is how she gets treated by everyone in her life.
1:06:20
And then he felt sorry for her. He was like, I was being such a
1:06:23
Dick. It's almost like if you paid
1:06:25
attention to anything but her vagina, it's almost like if you
1:06:29
talk to her for 5 minutes, she probably would have told you
1:06:32
that. I appreciate that the epilogue
1:06:34
was only one week later. I was like, thank Christ,
1:06:38
really, because I hate when that happens.
1:06:40
I liked it in this case because I want to be able to be allowed
1:06:44
to think that they break up. Ah, fair enough.
1:06:47
Soon enough, because their relationship is a sham.
1:06:50
I didn't want to look at five years and now they've got 10
1:06:53
kids to get like, fuck off. TI was once kind of like that.
1:07:00
Not when they're like they have 10 kids, but like, right?
1:07:03
A bit further along, bit further along.
1:07:05
So I'm like they did last longer than a week.
1:07:07
Okay. Well, I just don't like the
1:07:09
stock standard five years where everything's Gucci.
1:07:13
But they were talking about. Kids.
1:07:14
And it upset me. The one thing she mentioned was.
1:07:18
But whenever we start talking about kids, he's on top of me.
1:07:21
Within 5 seconds, I'm like. Really.
1:07:23
You've been there? The worst part is she hasn't
1:07:26
even been there for the three months yet.
1:07:27
Yeah, I know. He's trying to lock that girl
1:07:30
in. And you know, when they started
1:07:32
to say I love you, they were only, she was only there for
1:07:35
five weeks. I know.
1:07:36
It's so intense. He's just very intense.
1:07:40
She was just intense to. I feel like he's just trying to
1:07:43
replace what he didn't have with Desiree.
1:07:45
Yeah, he's trying to catch up on lost time.
1:07:48
That's probably why they're so clingy.
1:07:50
And turns. Out.
1:07:50
Mick wasn't even that bad in the end.
1:07:52
He kind of accepted this salty old man, but he he was a bit
1:07:55
rude when she was already down a bit.
1:07:58
But that's fine. And that was dumb.
1:08:00
It was like, you don't even know this poor girl.
1:08:02
It's typical Boomer let her live her life.
1:08:04
It has nothing to do with your daughter.
1:08:05
Honestly, if you wanted anyone to get with your son-in-law,
1:08:09
wouldn't it be your best friend's daughter?
1:08:11
Right. Because Henry, there was the
1:08:13
connection there. Yeah.
1:08:14
It wasn't just some rando girl that could be a gold digger.
1:08:17
Yeah, she had her own money too, technically.
1:08:21
So, yeah, he was. Just a bit rude.
1:08:25
I don't like when they fall in love too quickly.
1:08:29
I don't like that either. The puzzle comes together way
1:08:32
too quick. Yeah, midway through the book.
1:08:33
And then you've at least got to give us a proper challenge about
1:08:36
why they broke up. Not because you didn't have
1:08:37
fucking reception. Yeah.
1:08:39
Because that's what it came down to.
1:08:40
Because if not. That he should have.
1:08:41
Just got off the boat and wait and see if she was OK.
1:08:44
Yep. Give me a real problem where he
1:08:46
was actually upset about his wife dying and he felt really
1:08:49
guilty. Give me that.
1:08:51
Yeah, instead of I didn't get reception and I didn't get
1:08:54
fucking piper's pussy picking time.
1:08:55
So this was a good one. If you just are OK with
1:09:01
something that's fairly predictable and not too
1:09:03
upsetting, it's very easy to read.
1:09:05
Yeah, it's very easy. Like he did not hit my buttons.
1:09:09
There's not really any red flags in him besides that.
1:09:13
He's just grumpy and they didn't even go into detail about the
1:09:16
spicy bits. Give us all about the boot
1:09:18
holes. Do you reckon he would let her
1:09:20
peg him 100%? It's always the Super grumpy
1:09:26
mask on. Ones that other they could have
1:09:30
at least hinted towards us. Give us something.
1:09:32
We had to listen to the obnoxious boyfriend girlfriend
1:09:34
talk. You could at least give us some
1:09:36
Peggy. Yeah, come on.
1:09:37
But I have to. Listen to I talk my girlfriend's
1:09:41
pussy so good. You can tell me about the dildo
1:09:45
and the other Yes, yes, may. Or our suggestions.
1:09:50
What should we rate this out of? Velvet helmets?
1:09:54
Yes, velvet helmet. How many velvet helmets out of
1:09:57
five, 3, 1/2? Yeah, I'm giving it 3.
1:10:02
It's good, but it. Could have been more.
1:10:05
I needed more of a problem. I always need more of a problem.
1:10:07
You like the drama? See, I do see.
1:10:09
Sometimes I like the drama, and then sometimes I'm good without
1:10:13
it. But you know what I've been
1:10:14
noticing too? The ones with the more toxic
1:10:17
guys are more fun to talk about. That's all it is.
1:10:21
There's no problem with that. At all?
1:10:22
Yeah, I think if. You want spicy without it being
1:10:25
triggery. A lot of people that do not want
1:10:27
spicy, so this would be like A1 spice maybe, I think more just
1:10:33
because of the butt stuff. As in it's just a bit.
1:10:38
It's not as vanilla because they talked about, yeah, and there
1:10:43
was a level of kink. It wasn't much, but it was just
1:10:46
the. I think it's just bare minimum
1:10:48
spice. Yeah.
1:10:50
Oh, so that's probably it. Oh, it's my pick next.
1:10:53
I have no idea what I'm gonna pick out there.
1:10:56
I think I do. I've got some on my to read
1:10:58
list. Have you logged onto our good
1:10:59
reads? I've been updating it.
1:11:01
I've got. I made my own list.
1:11:04
I'll put you Yes, it's amazing. We have a good read.
1:11:09
Oh. Yes, we have a.
1:11:09
Good read. It's very a fish.
1:11:12
It's very a fish. I've updated all the books we've
1:11:14
been doing so far in order. I know the last time I logged on
1:11:18
there we've got separate lists. So you can because me and Color
1:11:21
have read separate books. So we always reference different
1:11:24
things. Yeah, but I don't read that much
1:11:26
in my own time because other things.
1:11:28
I'm reading a fucking textbook, so I'm not gonna put it on the.
1:11:30
So. I'm not gonna actually put what
1:11:33
I've heard two. 100 plus books and it's just me.
1:11:36
Dude, all of my books are self help books.
1:11:38
Do you know it's even worse? How to put your life back
1:11:40
together? You're OK.
1:11:42
A lot of the books. I haven't put, I haven't put a
1:11:45
lot of books on there, 'cause of my shame.
1:11:46
Yeah, if I want to, I write it well.
1:11:50
Just put on what you're comfortable putting on, 'cause
1:11:53
people like, go see it. And then there's some things.
1:11:56
Where I've forgotten. Yeah, three 20s.
1:11:58
Ah, that doesn't count. You have to reread it then I
1:12:01
well, that's why I haven't put it on there, because I've
1:12:02
started rereading things like The Hunger Games and like, yeah,
1:12:06
Vampire Academy. All the things I read when I was
1:12:08
like a teenager. Yeah.
1:12:09
And you thought it was so much more complex, I'm sure.
1:12:12
I did. I love how you're too shame to
1:12:15
put on what you're really reading cuz it's too smutty.
1:12:18
I'm too shamed to put on what I'm really reading because it's
1:12:20
like how to not commit suicide. It's like.
1:12:26
How to? Function.
1:12:28
She's OK. How to function as a normal,
1:12:31
seemingly normal? How?
1:12:33
How do I adult at 30? Like how do I how do I heal all
1:12:39
my traumas in one day or less one business?
1:12:42
Day. One business day or less.
1:12:45
So that's how I'm too shame job to put.
1:12:47
Fair enough, OK2. Totally different reasons.
1:12:54
Oh shit. So yeah, check out our
1:12:55
Goodreads, Write us a review, Send us to a friend.
1:12:59
No contacts, just send them. Send them out link without
1:13:04
context and just see what they say.
1:13:07
Yeah, we're here for it. It's fine.
1:13:10
Give me ones like a reader. It doesn't make me nervous.
1:13:15
I'mma open my legs. Give me two.
1:13:18
Margarita. That's the best fucking.
1:13:20
Thing you can give it some head. Fuck so good.
1:13:22
Anyway, that's it for this book. Thanks for joining us on Lose
1:13:27
The Plot with Carla and Emily. Don't forget to read us five
1:13:29
stars and subscribe if you enjoyed Slide into our Dms on
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