Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Narcissists love to 'play dumb'. (weaponized incompetence)

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Narcissists love to 'play dumb'. (weaponized incompetence) · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're going to be talking about weaponized incompetence, a
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  narcissist favorite tool to get out of doing things, but
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  pretending to be incompetent to make you take home more work.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a self aware narcissist. Then welcome to another episode
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  of The Narcissist Code. So boom, welcome back, welcome
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  back, welcome back. Yeah, weaponized incompetence,
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  playing the fool, playing dumb, playing stupid is a way a lot of
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  narcissist get out of doing things.
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  A lot of way. A lot of narcissistic people get
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  you to take on more work, get you to take on more chores
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  around the house, get you to do more to put in more effort and
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  whatnot. An easy example of this, right?
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  I mean, if you look it up on Google, it says weaponized
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  incompetence is when someone knowingly or unknowingly
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  demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks,
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  thereby leading others to take on more work.
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  This could happen at if you're dealing with a narcissist at
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  work or at home that you're married to or whatever, they
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  knowingly or unknowingly. So sometimes they might be doing
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  it unintentionally, but they're still doing it.
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  You know, it's just like pretending to not know how to do
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  something at home. It's just like, let's just say
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  you're at home, right? You've seen like they like
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  before y'all, before y'all got married, they live by
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  themselves. You live by yourself now y'all
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  live together. So you've taken on the task of
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  now like, let's just say something simplistic like
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  washing clothes or whatever, which is not simple.
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  Sorry, y'all like you, you've taken on the task of washing
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  clothes right now, right? And then you ask them like, Hey,
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  can you wash clothes today? I'm a little I'm a little behind
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  on my task and things like that. And they and they don't do it.
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  And it's just like, you know what, you wash the clothes a
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  little bit better. Like I don't know how to how
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  much detergent to use. I don't know what setting is to,
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  to, to wash the best clothes on. Like I don't know how to wash it
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  and I don't know how to dry them correctly either.
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  I feel like you do it better. I don't really know how to run
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  the washing machine. I don't really know how to run
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  the dishwasher. I don't really know how to
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  change the kids diaper. I don't really know how to drop
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  them off to go through the line and off at school.
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  I don't really know how to pick up the groceries.
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  You do it, you do it better. You know, you do it better than
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  I do. Like it would be a lot easier
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  and to go a lot smoother if you did it, don't you think?
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  Like if you want it done right, you would you would do you
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  should do it right. You know, I, when I do the
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  clothes, I feel like you're going to judge me.
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  So I feel like you should do it. You know, when I feel like I
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  wash the dishes, they don't get clean.
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  They don't, they don't get as clean as you do.
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  When I would change our kids diapers, you know, I put the
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  diaper on backwards. Sometimes I feel like you do it
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  better. I don't want our kids walking
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  around backwards. Do you?
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  Do you want our kids walking around with a crusty butt or you
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  know what I mean, dirty clothes and you know, mess up hair.
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  I don't know how to cut my I don't know how to do my, my
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  daughter's ponytail. I don't know how to put it in
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  the ponytail. You do it better than I do.
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  It's plain dumb. Y'all.
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  This is one of a narcissistic person's favorite things to do
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  to mess with you. You ever hear the term marriage?
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  Weaponized incompetence a lot of times goes hand in hand with a
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  married single parent. You know what that is?
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  Married single parents are people who are married.
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  Yeah, you married. You have a two parent household,
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  but you do everything. You do everything and sometimes
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  you do everything, including work, right?
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  You do everything, including work like you do everything.
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  You're married, a single parent like you might as well and you
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  have more than you have more kids because you're taking care
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  of your adult partner as well. They're being they're playing
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  the role of a kid too. They leave their clothes beside
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  the clothes like it's just something super simple like they
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  take their shoes off. You ask them to take their shoes
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  off like you kick your shoes off outside or in the in the mud
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  room where they belong. So I don't have to remop the
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  floor like, but but if I kick him off outside, I might my feet
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  would get cold on a cement for a little while.
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  Don't you, can't you just take him?
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  Like can't you just take him back outside when you go out
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  there? Yo, they make your life harder.
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  Like a lot of narcissists, like I said, some of them don't do it
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  on purpose. It's just, it's just become a
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  damn near an innate behavior. Like it's a learned behavior or
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  whatever that they just continue to do.
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  But some of them absolutely do it on purpose.
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  They are lazy as hell. They don't want to take on more
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  work. Sometimes they feel like you
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  should do it. If y'all, sometimes you get the,
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  the the pseudo misogynistic narcissist that feels like you
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  should take on traditional gender roles and you should do
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  all the housework regardless of whether or not y'all you work.
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  You know, y'all could be 5050 young bills that you could be.
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  You can make more money. You can make more money to them
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  and they still won't do the house chores.
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  They still won't cook because you do it better or you were
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  supposed to do it. This is your role.
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  You see what I'm saying? The the patriarchy, I'm just
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  telling you, it sets you up. And if you go into these
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  relationship dynamics where people would knowingly go into
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  relationships with people who do this like they're going to keep
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  doing it right? They're not going to stop doing
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  it. They are they absolutely are not
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  going to stop doing it. They're going to keep doing it
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  over and over again until you like until you get exhausted and
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  then you and when you try, if you try to leave them, they're
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  going to try to make you feel bad.
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  Oh, you're going. To leave me for this, you really
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  going to leave? You going to walk out of our
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  family because it is right. This is all it takes is some
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  dirty clothes for us to end this beautiful.
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  Marriage for us to. End this beautiful situation.
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  This is all it takes. Is this.
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  Wow, this sucks. I thought we were.
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  I thought our relationship was better than this.
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  I thought we had more. I had.
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  I thought. We were stronger than this.
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  They will play the fool, they will play stupid.
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  They will play down, yeah, they will play down their
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  intellectual level just to get you to do more work, just to
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  manipulate you into taking on more tasks, just to manipulate
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  you into taking on them. Like some of them, y'all will
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  pretend like they don't know how to go, they don't know how to
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  fill out a job application, and y'all would do it for them.
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  Hey, babe, I know you're busy doing 15 other things that I
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  pretend to not know how to do. Can you please fill out this job
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  application for me? Can you please do this resume
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  for me? You do it.
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  You just do it better than I do. Now, is it true?
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  Let me say this right here. Is it true that there are some
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  things that you do better than them and some things that you
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  like a certain like done a certain type of way and that you
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  would rather do it yourself? Yes, but that could be
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  communicated to them like hey look, I'll do this don't worry
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  about this. This is on me.
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  I like this done in a certain type of way.
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  Even I showed you how to do it. You tried your hardest and you
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  you can't let me do this. Let me handle this OK, we're
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  going to say like we we work, we're A-Team, but let me handle
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  this. This is my role is there are
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  other things like that yes. There are tasks like that that
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  you might want done a specific way and you like to do that so
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  and you like to do that type of stuff.
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  So it makes sense that you like to do it right.
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  But on the other side of things, when you're dealing with
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  narcissistic people, they use this as a tool against you.
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  They weaponize this against you. They don't stop because again,
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  at the end of the day, why would they?
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  Why would they stop? If they're getting benefits from
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  it, why would they? No narcissistic person is going
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  to stop something that they feel like benefits them.
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  Why would I? Why would I stop something that
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  I get a benefit from? So there's something that you
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  have to consider as well. Like that's what the mindset of
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  a lot of narcissistic people falls into.
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  They feel like you deserve the treatments and the behaviors
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  that you are getting because this is how their minds work.
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  This is the roles that they feel like you felt that you've
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  chosen, that you've picked. And I know some of y'all like
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  I'll say this to y'all, if they do it in the dating stage, if
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  they do this type of stuff when you're dating, they're going to
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  do it when you get engaged. If they're doing it while
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  they're engaged, they're going to do it while you're married.
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  They don't. Why would they stop?
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  You rewarded them by being engaged to them.
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  You rewarded, rewarded them by marrying them.
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  Why would they stop? Why would they change a bad
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  behavior that they feel like they're getting rewarded for?
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  And the simplest way I, the analogy that I like to use in
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  this situation is the dog crapping on the dog crapping on
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  the carpet, right? If you have a dog that you're
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  training, and this is not a term to say you can train people,
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  right? But this is the easy analogy to
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  understand it. Like if you have a dog that
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  you're training, you just got this new little puppy you like,
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  you love this puppy you like, I love.
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  You puppy. I love you puppy.
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  Like you love the puppy, right? And but you want the puppy to
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  poop outside in a certain area where you can scoop and discard
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  it, right? But if you want that puppy to
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  poop outside and one day it poops in like the first time you
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  get it, it poops inside. And instead of instead of like
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  doing whatever training method you use to, to let this dog know
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  this is this is bad and they need to poop outside.
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  Instead of doing that, instead of doing that, you would give it
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  a treat. You come home, there's poop on
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  the carpet. The dog just freshly pooped on
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  the carpet. You give it a treat like and you
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  say, good, good doggy. Of course now the dog thinks,
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  oh, I poop inside, I get a treat, keep pooping.
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  He gets more treats, keeps pooping inside, gets more
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  treats. And you're like, why the hell do
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  you keep pooping inside, dog? You're supposed to poop outside.
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  Why would the dog go poop outside in the cold with his
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  little paws in the in the snow with a little butt on the snow
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  or outside on the cold of wet ground or whatever?
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  When he's getting treats for being inside, when he's getting
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  rewarded for bad behavior inside, you're rewarding the
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  puppy. You're rewarding the puppy in
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  your real life. They did toxic narcissistic
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  spouse or coworker. You know, like I say, it could
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  be a coworker that's pretending not to know how to do something.
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  Then they like you, feel like you'll get in trouble, like you
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  get a lazy ass narcissistic coworker right that pretends
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  like you're an assembly line. I've had this happen before.
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  You're an assembly line in the assembly line.
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  Y'all know works in the as a unit, as a works in tandem.
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  We all work together to get things done.
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  The start of the assembly line to the back of the assembly line
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  right? Work together to get things done
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  correct. So at the end, like if one
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  person messes up, the assembly line kind of goes down, right?
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  So you get this one person who pretends like they don't know
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  how to cut these boxes open or they don't know how to fold this
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  correctly. They don't know how to don't
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  know how to package this correctly.
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  And you go over there and help them.
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  Now they are intentionally not knowing how to pack stuff
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  because they know if they get tired or they get behind, guess
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  what happens? You'll come and help because you
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  don't want to get in trouble. That's manipulation, y'all.
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  They're doing it on purpose. Some people are doing it on
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  purpose. Are there people who struggle to
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  do certain tasks on an assembly line?
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  Yes, there absolutely are. But like I said, there are
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  people who do it on purpose to just to to ball you up to get
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  you to get you stuck in the same spot with them.
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  They will manipulate you. So this happens at work.
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  This happens like this could be your boss.
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  This could be your brother, your sister, your mom, your dad, this
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  whoever it is. This could be your parent.
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  If you have a narcissistic parent, they can pretend like
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  they don't know how to do something or they they're
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  incapable of doing something at home just to get you to come up
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  and take care of them. I don't know how to work
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  anymore. I can't work anymore.
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  You like what you, you 45 how you ain't working no more.
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  I'm 23 you 40. You can't work no more you fully
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  you you get. Are you disabled?
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  No, I just feel like what I'm just telling you again, y'all,
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  if you have a partner at home that just refuses to get a job,
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  but they've been sitting, they haven't worked in a decade, why
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  would they go get a job now if they've been getting taken care
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  of for a decade? And this is not the stay at home
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  parent. This is just a lazy one.
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  This is a lazy person who might have quit or got fired from a
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  job and then you started working super hard to pay all the bills.
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  And now that they fall into this routine where they don't, they
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  just stay home all day. You're not a stay at home
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  parent. They just stay at home bum
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  living bum you know? Weaponized incompetence is real.
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  They pretend to not know how to do stuff to make your life
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  harder, to become a bigger burden on you.
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  And the more you allow it, the more it will continue.
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  Y'all I'm just saying it's hard to set these boundaries later on
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  in a relationship, but it's possible to set them later on to
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  insert relationships but use discretion.
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  If you try to set a boundary on a violent narcissist, they could
• 12:01
  get violent with you, you know? But anyways, y'all, I appreciate
• 12:05
  y'all tuning in. If you don't know my very first,
• 12:08
  this is like, you know, if you don't know my very first
• 12:12
  workshop, In person workshop is going to be in Washington DC on
• 12:15
  September the 14th. Me and my friend NIA are putting
• 12:18
  together a live in person workshop.
• 12:20
  Live in person event. The link will be in the comment
• 12:23
  sections. It'll be pinned the top of the
• 12:24
  comment sections to register for the event.
• 12:25
  It's a four hour intensive event in person, limited seating,
• 12:29
  limited space and we're not in Washington DC so state like
• 12:33
  check the comment section for the link.
• 12:35
  I'll have it. This is just my first
• 12:38
  announcement of September 14th y'all.
• 12:39
  Anyway, y'all subscribe to the channel as always, but to him
• 12:42
  this is out. Peace.
• 12:44
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 12:45
  I am extremely grateful for you have no idea.
• 12:48
  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 12:50
  to the channel. Helps reach more people and
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  click on the screen to watch another video or to browse
• 12:54
  through another playlist. There's also a link on the
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  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
• 12:59
  you heal and understand what you've been through.
• 13:01
  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
• 13:03
  video. Peace.