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Folks Get Funny When You Talk About Money · Relationship Talk Thursday

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  Speaker 1: Good morning, Inspiration 1390 family. It's Sonia Blakey here with
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  Speaker 1: the king and queen, Dr. Bishop Horace Smith and his
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  Speaker 1: lovely wife, Sister Susan Smith, of course, of the Apostolic
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  Speaker 1: Faith Church.
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  Speaker 2: Good morning and welcome.
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  Speaker 3: Good morning. Good morning. You're right. She's the queen. I'm
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  Speaker 3: not sure about the king stuff.
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  Speaker 1: But I hear that you guys are celebrating 50 years
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  Speaker 1: of marriage.
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  Speaker 2: Incredible.
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  Speaker 4: It is incredible. My parents were married 50 years. I
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  Speaker 4: thought they were... Ancient of days. And that was back
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  Speaker 4: in 1990. Uh-huh.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: 50 years.
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  Speaker 3: You know, we tell a joke about it.
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  Speaker 2: Uh-huh.
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  Speaker 3: It seems like five minutes.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Underwater. Underwater.
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  Speaker 1: And I know you guys have a big celebration coming
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  Speaker 1: up featuring Bishop Marvin Sapp.
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  Speaker 2: It's a free concert for everybody, right?
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  Speaker 4: It is a free concert. We want everybody to come
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  Speaker 4: and celebrate with us.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
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  Speaker 6: We just didn't want to have just something for a
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  Speaker 6: few people. People have been a part of our lives
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  Speaker 6: and our marriage. So we really wanted them to come
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  Speaker 6: in and celebrate that.
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  Speaker 5: So it's on Saturday, the 12th of September. It's going
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  Speaker 5: to be tremendous. Come to rejoice and celebrate with us
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  Speaker 5: a half century of wedded bliss for me.
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  Speaker 1: I love it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, 50 years, of course.
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  Speaker 1: I had to have talked to you about this 50-year
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  Speaker 1: journey that you guys have had of marriage. And so
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  Speaker 1: I know one of the topics that's trending as it
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  Speaker 1: relates to relationships is money.
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  Speaker 2: Who controls the money?
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  Speaker 1: And how has this worked out in your relationship, the
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  Speaker 1: money situation?
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  Speaker 6: In the Smith household, Susan controls the money. In the church,
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  Speaker 6: Horace controls the money. So we don't—there's no— There is discussion,
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  Speaker 6: but we are so much alike in how we think
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  Speaker 6: about spending money and saving until it really has not
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  Speaker 6: been much of a conflict. We're both pretty frugal. We
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  Speaker 6: love our children. We want them to have whatever they need.
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  Speaker 6: So if somebody needs something, we pretty much agree that
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  Speaker 6: that's what they should have.
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  Speaker 2: But that's not the situation for all couples.
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  Speaker 3: Not at all.
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  Speaker 2: So where does the conflict come from?
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  Speaker 5: In fact, you said, you know, one of the trending topics,
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  Speaker 5: money is not a trending topic. Money is a ubiquitous topic.
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  Speaker 5: It's always a topic. And you're right, you know, it
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  Speaker 5: depends on what Sister Smith just said, you know, how
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  Speaker 5: you see money too. Because sometimes people have a lot
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  Speaker 5: of money, but they're still fighting about money. And sometimes
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  Speaker 5: money is very scarce and they're not fighting. So it
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  Speaker 5: depends on the perspective and the control. So, you know,
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  Speaker 5: we're pretty free about what our goals are in life,
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  Speaker 5: what we want to do with it. And so there's
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  Speaker 5: not a big conflict about money. And at this stage,
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  Speaker 5: at least, you know, we've lived for 50 years. We've
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  Speaker 5: both worked two or three jobs. Money is not an issue.
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  Speaker 5: But I still think that money across the board is
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  Speaker 5: a huge issue because I tell people about this philosophically.
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  Speaker 5: You know, when you say money, it's kind of, you know,
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  Speaker 5: just out there. But money represents life. You work and
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  Speaker 5: people pay you for it. They pay you because you're
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  Speaker 5: giving your time, your life to something, and it should
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  Speaker 5: be compensated, then the issue is, since I've used my
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  Speaker 5: life to do this, what do I want this money
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  Speaker 5: to do for me and for us? And so I
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  Speaker 5: think we've been in pretty much agreement about it.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, money's not an issue.
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  Speaker 5: And the other thing is, you know, I get in
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  Speaker 5: trouble with the men in our church because I say
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  Speaker 5: to them, since I've been married before that, I've always
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  Speaker 5: worked at least two huge jobs and every check I get,
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  Speaker 5: I give.
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  Speaker 3: It to Sister Smith. Every check.
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  Speaker 5: Now, It doesn't mean that if she was wild with it,
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  Speaker 5: you know, I would be stepping in saying, hey, wait
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  Speaker 5: a minute, but we've talked about, you know, investments, what's
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  Speaker 5: our priority, whatever.
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  Speaker 3: But then she handles it. If something would happen to her,
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  Speaker 3: I wouldn't know about them.
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  Speaker 5: I have to call our attorney or somebody else and say.
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  Speaker 3: Where is this? Where is that? But money is important.
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  Speaker 4: We first got married. I opened this drawer.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
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  Speaker 4: It was all the bills and whatnot. And he would pay.
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  Speaker 6: So say you owe $ 300 on your credit card and
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  Speaker 6: he would pay $ 25. See, I paid the minimum. I said, honey,
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  Speaker 6: that's not how you do that. You keep paying the minimum.
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  Speaker 6: We're going to keep paying interest. I said, you got
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  Speaker 6: to pay it off. Oh, so when we realized that,
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  Speaker 6: he just gave it all to me without even thinking
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  Speaker 6: about it.
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  Speaker 3: It wasn't quite like that. Let me defend myself.
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  Speaker 2: Are you going to clear that, Bishop Morris Smith?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, because, you know, some of that is for a
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  Speaker 3: very short time, by the way. Okay.
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  Speaker 5: We didn't have much money, so I couldn't. Today, we
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  Speaker 5: never have a balance on anything. We pay everything every
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  Speaker 5: month and ahead. But then, you know, I was a
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  Speaker 5: young resident. She was still in school.
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  Speaker 4: So we— All the more reason not to have balances.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, we couldn't pay things off.
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  Speaker 5: But I think the real issue is— The agreement about
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  Speaker 5: the money, whether one pays the bills, you know, pragmatically
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  Speaker 5: and does whatever, there's agreement before the money is dispensed.
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  Speaker 5: And it's not like we don't meet every month to
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  Speaker 5: talk about it. No, we've agreed about what's a priority.
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  Speaker 3: Church comes first, A, B, and C, and then we
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  Speaker 3: do that. But money is a real issue.
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  Speaker 5: I think as a pastor, my concern is the trend
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  Speaker 5: that people have about my money and her money.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, talk about that.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, we have never labeled money. We have never said, well,
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  Speaker 5: this is yours and that's mine. You know, the Bible says,
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  Speaker 5: how can two walk together? So there'd be an agreement.
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  Speaker 5: When I married her, her bills became my bills. Now,
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  Speaker 5: she didn't say that about my bills becoming hers, but
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  Speaker 5: I did. I didn't have any bills, let's be clear.
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  Speaker 3: She had a couple of bills.
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  Speaker 1: Okay.
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  Speaker 5: But I think the way to go is that, you know,
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  Speaker 5: the finances belong to both of you. Even though one
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  Speaker 5: may work more hours or make more money, the two
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  Speaker 5: become one.
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  Speaker 3: I think that's the key.
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  Speaker 5: And then you decide together what the entire amount, what's
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  Speaker 5: going to happen with that. But a lot of times
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  Speaker 5: people say, oh, no, you know, he pays the light bill.
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  Speaker 5: I pay the water bill. He pays this. I pay that.
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  Speaker 5: You know, my money goes to my account. I think
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  Speaker 5: those are seeds for dissolution because you're living separately. And
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  Speaker 5: I think that's not the whole issue of marriage. You're
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  Speaker 5: trying to walk together as one. And so I think
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  Speaker 5: that money can separate people too.
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  Speaker 6: At one point we said, I forget what point in
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  Speaker 6: 50 years this was, but we said, you know, if
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  Speaker 6: we ever want to spend over $ 500, whatever, we should
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  Speaker 6: talk to the other one and get an agreement or whatever.
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  Speaker 6: And that kind of came and went, you know, and
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  Speaker 6: it just never, it just never materialized that we had
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  Speaker 6: to talk about it. So if he wants to spend,
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  Speaker 6: give somebody some money. And I knew that it made sense.
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  Speaker 6: I didn't have to, you know, ask him to explain
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  Speaker 6: that or whatever. We just kind of, you know, agreed
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  Speaker 6: that we would trust each other with our money.
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  Speaker 5: But I think in that regard, one of the issues is,
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  Speaker 5: and it goes beyond money, family and friends that you
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  Speaker 5: may have and you want to help them financially, I
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  Speaker 5: think that that should be a discussion.
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  Speaker 3: That should be.
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  Speaker 5: So there won't be, you know, a discrepancy between one
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  Speaker 5: and the other. You know, we had this rule that we,
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  Speaker 5: especially with family.
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  Speaker 4: Tell them what you always say.
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  Speaker 2: What do you say, Bishop Horton?
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  Speaker 3: I say that folk get funny when you talk about money.
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  Speaker 4: He says, talk to Susan.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, no.
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  Speaker 5: Now, the talk to Susan business gets into another whole
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  Speaker 5: area of marriage. Because my daughters, you know, we have
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  Speaker 5: three daughters. You know, growing up, you know, they would
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  Speaker 5: come and ask me certain things, what they could do.
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  Speaker 5: And I fell into the trap of giving them an answer.
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  Speaker 5: You know, and because they said I was in charge,
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  Speaker 5: what I found out was that sometimes they would go
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  Speaker 5: to their mother first and she'd say no, then they'd
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  Speaker 5: come to me and I'd say yes. So I'd always say,
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  Speaker 5: whatever your mother said, did you go to your mother? Yeah,
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  Speaker 5: whatever she said. So yeah, talk to somebody first before
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  Speaker 5: you make a decision is the point. So we'll be
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  Speaker 5: in lockstep agreement. That's the main thing. So we're not
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  Speaker 5: fighting one, you know, they're pitting one against the other.
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  Speaker 5: Sometimes when it comes to money, it's like that too.
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  Speaker 5: If it's my family, even I'll say, you know, So-and-so
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  Speaker 5: needs whatever. This is what I want to do.
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  Speaker 3: What do you think? And vice versa. And that works
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  Speaker 3: for us.
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  Speaker 5: But when you begin to make independent decisions with family,
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  Speaker 5: now you're dealing with relationships and family and, you know,
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  Speaker 5: that's my cousin and whatever.
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  Speaker 3: It's a problem.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. What do you do when, you know, one or
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  Speaker 1: the other seems to be always carrying the load?
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  Speaker 2: It always seems like.
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  Speaker 1: One, you know, one of the husband or either the wife,
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  Speaker 1: it's whichever one, seems like they're always carrying the load
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  Speaker 1: and it's continuous.
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  Speaker 4: You mean financially?
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  Speaker 1: Financially carrying the load and it's continuous through the marriage.
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  Speaker 1: It almost gets, I've seen some people, heard some people
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  Speaker 1: say it's draining. So, you know, what do you do?
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  Speaker 1: When do you?
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  Speaker 6: Well, I mean, financially, he has always carried the load,
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  Speaker 6: but all the other things, I carry a lot of
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  Speaker 6: the load. So I think you have some trade-offs there.
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  Speaker 6: So it's not just, a marriage is never just financial, right?
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  Speaker 6: You know, you got financial, you got children, you got
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  Speaker 6: family responsibilities, all those things that take time and effort.
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  Speaker 6: And so who makes the money is just one aspect
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  Speaker 6: of the marriage.
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  Speaker 3: I agree.
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  Speaker 5: I think that, you know, if I'm working all the time,
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  Speaker 5: but I have a house and I have kids and responsibilities,
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  Speaker 5: who's taking care of that?
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  Speaker 3: Well, she is. And so I don't think you can
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  Speaker 3: really go dollar for dollar here.
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  Speaker 5: I think the value of what each one does, and
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  Speaker 5: that's where the agreement has to be, you know. But
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  Speaker 5: when people compare paychecks and I make more than you,
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  Speaker 5: therefore I can do more, I think you have lost, again,
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  Speaker 5: the value of the relationship. The things that she does
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  Speaker 5: at home and those kind of things, I don't even
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  Speaker 5: think about them. She handles all of it. You know,
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  Speaker 5: something is lacking or breaks down. You know, I don't
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  Speaker 5: have to know. I know about it, but it's paid for. So, again,
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  Speaker 5: I think the trade-off is that you balance responsibilities.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: Another question.
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  Speaker 1: Should a couple enter into a relationship or, you know,
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  Speaker 1: married if the financial situation is not good?
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  Speaker 2: Um, you know, somebody may not have good credit or
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  Speaker 2: they're have a lot of debt, but you love each other.
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  Speaker 2: You want to get married. Did you put a pause
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  Speaker 2: on that? Like, your thoughts on that? This is like
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  Speaker 2: real talk.
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  Speaker 6: I've seen that work both ways. And one of the
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  Speaker 6: best examples was a young lady. She was going to
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  Speaker 6: marry this guy, and she found out that his credit
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  Speaker 6: was terrible. You know, he had a good job, but
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  Speaker 6: terrible credit. And she stopped it. She said, nope, you
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  Speaker 6: got to get this straight before we got married. That
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  Speaker 6: brother got it straight, and they've been married a long
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  Speaker 6: time and are doing well. You know, so sometimes you
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  Speaker 6: have to take your opportunity, whoever it is.
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  Speaker 4: And other ones, you know, where.
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  Speaker 6: the person cannot handle money and they just keep doing
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  Speaker 6: silly stuff with the money and the other person gets
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  Speaker 6: so frustrated and feels, because it's all about power, really,
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  Speaker 6: you know, and you start feeling like, well, they're not
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  Speaker 6: listening to me.
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  Speaker 4: You know, it begins a big breakdown.
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  Speaker 2: What do you think, Bishop Smith?
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, and again, the decision to get married is a
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  Speaker 5: huge decision. Now, you can make that so big that
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  Speaker 5: you really are avoiding being married, saying we don't have
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  Speaker 5: enough money.
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  Speaker 3: Let me say that off the top.
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  Speaker 5: But after that, I think it's one of the things
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  Speaker 5: that help you to make a decision about who you're
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  Speaker 5: going to marry. If somebody is irresponsible financially, they're probably
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  Speaker 5: irresponsible in other ways, too. I think you have to
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  Speaker 5: really be sure that that person you want to connect
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  Speaker 5: with will, in fact, connect as a couple. You know,
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  Speaker 5: one of the things we talk about in marriage is
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  Speaker 5: that who really is in charge.
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  Speaker 3: Is not the.
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  Speaker 5: To my mind, important, you know, people quote the Bible,
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  Speaker 5: you know, the husband's in charge, the man's in charge.
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  Speaker 5: I don't agree with the way they apply that. I
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  Speaker 5: think if it's not a partnership, it's going to fail.
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  Speaker 5: They have to be in agreement. And it can't be that,
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  Speaker 5: you know, one makes the decision, the other one doesn't.
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  Speaker 5: But I think that looking at whether it's money or whatever,
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  Speaker 5: we have to have an understanding that we're going to honor.
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  Speaker 5: So that, you know, we're both a part of this
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  Speaker 5: because it's like the Bible says, if your foot's in pain,
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  Speaker 5: your right hand can say, I don't care about the foot.
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  Speaker 5: I mean, it's a part of your body. It's going
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  Speaker 5: to affect you. So I think that they have to
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  Speaker 5: have some understanding. And if you see somebody with a
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  Speaker 5: track record, always in debt, you know, they have to
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  Speaker 5: file bankruptcy. They can't keep a job. Those are warning
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  Speaker 5: signs beyond the financials. There's a lot of stuff going
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  Speaker 5: on there. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I get it. All right.
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  Speaker 2: Well, thank you so much, Dr. Bishop Horace Smith's lady.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Sister Susan.
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  Speaker 1: Smith of the Apostolic Faith Church, celebrating 50 years of marriage.
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  Speaker 1: The good news is that you guys are going to
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  Speaker 1: be with me next Thursday and then the following Thursday.
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  Speaker 2: So we still got a lot to talk about.
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  Speaker 3: Okay. Let me just say this.
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  Speaker 5: Put God first with your money, and you probably won't
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  Speaker 5: have to worry about money too much.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Put him first. Put the kingdom first. That's one of
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  Speaker 3: my hallmark beliefs. Okay. Because you can fake church.
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  Speaker 5: You can fake. Speaking in tongues, you can fake stuff.
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  Speaker 5: You cannot fake consistent support of the kingdom of God.
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  Speaker 3: I believe it starts with that. That's what I was
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  Speaker 3: taught as a young kid.
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  Speaker 2: Well, congratulations on your 50th this Saturday. Big celebration.
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  Speaker 5: Thank you.
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  Speaker 2: September 12th. Bishop Marvin Sapp. Everybody is welcome.
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  Speaker 4: 6 p.m., yes.
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  Speaker 3: You're welcome. You're welcome.
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  Speaker 5: It's going to be a great time in the Lord.
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  Speaker 5: You're going to enjoy it. Bring your family and friends.