Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E262: From Survival to Thriving: Remembering Who You Really Are

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E262: From Survival to Thriving: Remembering Who You Really Are · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:49
  Hey,
• 0:49
  everybody.
• 0:49
  Welcome
• 0:50
  back.
• 0:50
  Today
• 0:51
  I'm
• 0:51
  going
• 0:51
  over
• 0:53
  a
• 0:53
  little
• 0:53
  bit
• 0:53
  more
• 0:54
  in
• 0:54
  depth
• 0:55
  is
• 0:55
  what
• 0:55
  Bri,
• 0:56
  Walter,
• 0:56
  and
• 0:56
  I
• 0:57
  talked
• 0:57
  about
• 0:57
  on
• 0:57
  the
• 0:57
  last
• 0:58
  episode.
• 0:58
  And
• 0:58
  if
• 0:59
  you
• 0:59
  haven't
• 0:59
  listened
• 0:59
  to
• 1:00
  the
• 1:00
  episode
• 1:00
  yet,
• 1:00
  I
• 1:00
  highly
• 1:01
  encourage
• 1:01
  you
• 1:01
  to
• 1:02
  go
• 1:02
  back
• 1:02
  and
• 1:02
  listen
• 1:02
  because
• 1:03
  we
• 1:03
  touched
• 1:04
  on
• 1:04
  so
• 1:04
  many
• 1:04
  different
• 1:05
  points.
• 1:05
  But
• 1:06
  today,
• 1:06
  I
• 1:06
  want
• 1:06
  to
• 1:06
  take
• 1:07
  it
• 1:07
  just
• 1:07
  a
• 1:08
  little
• 1:08
  bit
• 1:08
  deeper.
• 1:09
  Not
• 1:09
  to
• 1:09
  overwhelm
• 1:10
  you,
• 1:10
  not
• 1:10
  to
• 1:10
  scare
• 1:11
  you,
• 1:11
  not
• 1:11
  to
• 1:11
  fix
• 1:12
  you,
• 1:12
  but.
• 1:12
  But
• 1:13
  really
• 1:14
  to
• 1:14
  help
• 1:14
  you
• 1:14
  understand
• 1:15
  yourself
• 1:16
  with
• 1:16
  just
• 1:16
  a
• 1:16
  little
• 1:17
  bit
• 1:17
  more
• 1:17
  compassion.
• 1:18
  Because
• 1:18
  healing
• 1:19
  does
• 1:19
  not
• 1:19
  start
• 1:19
  with
• 1:20
  changing
• 1:20
  your
• 1:20
  behavior.
• 1:21
  It
• 1:21
  starts
• 1:22
  with
• 1:22
  understanding
• 1:23
  your
• 1:23
  body,
• 1:23
  and
• 1:23
  it
• 1:23
  starts
• 1:24
  with
• 1:24
  understanding
• 1:25
  your
• 1:25
  behavior.
• 1:26
  So
• 1:26
  in
• 1:26
  the
• 1:26
  last
• 1:26
  episode,
• 1:27
  Bri
• 1:27
  and
• 1:27
  I
• 1:28
  talked
• 1:28
  a
• 1:28
  lot
• 1:28
  about
• 1:28
  how
• 1:29
  growing
• 1:29
  up
• 1:29
  in
• 1:29
  dysfunctional
• 1:30
  homes
• 1:30
  changes
• 1:30
  the
• 1:31
  way
• 1:31
  we
• 1:31
  attach,
• 1:32
  the
• 1:32
  way
• 1:32
  we
• 1:32
  love,
• 1:33
  and
• 1:33
  ultimately
• 1:34
  the
• 1:34
  way
• 1:34
  we
• 1:34
  see
• 1:35
  other
• 1:35
  people
• 1:35
  and
• 1:35
  ourselves.
• 1:36
  And
• 1:36
  one
• 1:37
  of
• 1:37
  the
• 1:37
  biggest
• 1:37
  themes
• 1:37
  that
• 1:38
  kept
• 1:38
  coming
• 1:38
  up
• 1:38
  was
• 1:38
  this.
• 1:39
  We
• 1:39
  didn't
• 1:39
  grow
• 1:39
  up
• 1:40
  learning
• 1:40
  who
• 1:40
  we
• 1:41
  were.
• 1:41
  We
• 1:41
  grew
• 1:42
  up
• 1:42
  learning
• 1:42
  how
• 1:42
  to
• 1:42
  survive.
• 1:43
  So
• 1:44
  when
• 1:44
  you
• 1:44
  grow
• 1:44
  up
• 1:44
  in
• 1:44
  that
• 1:44
  kind
• 1:45
  of
• 1:45
  chaos,
• 1:45
  your
• 1:45
  nervous
• 1:46
  system
• 1:46
  is
• 1:46
  not
• 1:46
  focused
• 1:47
  on
• 1:47
  identity.
• 1:48
  It's
• 1:48
  focused
• 1:48
  on
• 1:49
  safety.
• 1:49
  So
• 1:50
  instead
• 1:50
  of
• 1:50
  asking,
• 1:50
  who
• 1:51
  am
• 1:51
  I?
• 1:51
  What
• 1:52
  do
• 1:52
  I
• 1:52
  like?
• 1:52
  What
• 1:53
  do
• 1:53
  I
• 1:53
  need?
• 1:54
  You
• 1:54
  learn
• 1:54
  to
• 1:54
  ask
• 1:54
  yourself,
• 1:55
  what
• 1:55
  do
• 1:55
  I
• 1:55
  have
• 1:55
  to
• 1:56
  do
• 1:56
  to
• 1:56
  keep
• 1:56
  the
• 1:57
  peace?
• 1:57
  What
• 1:58
  do
• 1:58
  I
• 1:58
  have
• 1:58
  to
• 1:58
  do
• 1:58
  to
• 1:58
  make
• 1:58
  sure
• 1:59
  I
• 1:59
  don't
• 1:59
  rock
• 1:59
  any
• 1:59
  boats?
• 2:00
  And
• 2:00
  it's
• 2:00
  not
• 2:00
  weakness.
• 2:01
  It's
• 2:01
  intelligence,
• 2:02
  it's
• 2:02
  adaptation,
• 2:03
  and
• 2:03
  it's
• 2:03
  survival.
• 2:05
  But
• 2:05
  the
• 2:05
  problem
• 2:05
  is
• 2:06
  those
• 2:06
  survival
• 2:06
  patterns
• 2:07
  don't
• 2:07
  magically
• 2:07
  disappear
• 2:08
  when
• 2:08
  the
• 2:08
  danger
• 2:08
  is
• 2:09
  gone.
• 2:09
  They
• 2:09
  follow
• 2:10
  us
• 2:10
  into
• 2:10
  adulthood,
• 2:11
  and
• 2:11
  that's
• 2:11
  where
• 2:12
  many
• 2:12
  of
• 2:12
  us
• 2:12
  are
• 2:12
  sitting
• 2:13
  right
• 2:13
  now.
• 2:13
  And
• 2:14
  so
• 2:14
  many
• 2:14
  different
• 2:15
  things
• 2:15
  that
• 2:15
  Bri
• 2:15
  and
• 2:15
  I
• 2:16
  talked
• 2:16
  about
• 2:16
  I
• 2:16
  want
• 2:16
  to
• 2:16
  like,
• 2:17
  again,
• 2:17
  just
• 2:18
  recap,
• 2:19
  Bring
• 2:19
  back
• 2:19
  up
• 2:19
  and
• 2:20
  talk
• 2:20
  a
• 2:20
  little
• 2:20
  bit
• 2:21
  more,
• 2:21
  one
• 2:21
  of
• 2:21
  them
• 2:22
  being
• 2:22
  your
• 2:22
  identity
• 2:23
  loss.
• 2:23
  You've
• 2:24
  heard
• 2:24
  me
• 2:24
  say
• 2:24
  in
• 2:24
  many,
• 2:24
  many,
• 2:25
  many
• 2:25
  episodes
• 2:26
  that
• 2:26
  when
• 2:26
  you
• 2:26
  grow
• 2:27
  up
• 2:27
  like
• 2:27
  that,
• 2:28
  you.
• 2:29
  You
• 2:29
  kind
• 2:30
  of
• 2:30
  forget
• 2:30
  who
• 2:30
  you
• 2:30
  are.
• 2:31
  You
• 2:31
  fr.
• 2:31
  You're
• 2:32
  told
• 2:32
  who
• 2:33
  to
• 2:33
  be,
• 2:33
  what
• 2:33
  to
• 2:34
  say,
• 2:34
  how
• 2:34
  to
• 2:34
  act,
• 2:34
  what
• 2:35
  to
• 2:35
  do,
• 2:35
  and
• 2:35
  you
• 2:36
  l
• 2:36
  forget
• 2:37
  who
• 2:38
  you
• 2:38
  are.
• 2:39
  How
• 2:40
  are
• 2:40
  some
• 2:40
  of
• 2:40
  these
• 2:40
  things
• 2:40
  happen?
• 2:42
  How
• 2:42
  do
• 2:42
  we
• 2:43
  adapt
• 2:43
  and
• 2:43
  how
• 2:43
  do
• 2:44
  we
• 2:44
  overcome
• 2:45
  and
• 2:45
  how
• 2:45
  do
• 2:45
  we
• 2:45
  become
• 2:45
  this
• 2:46
  way?
• 2:46
  1.
• 2:47
  You
• 2:47
  learn
• 2:47
  to
• 2:47
  read
• 2:48
  moods.
• 2:48
  You
• 2:48
  could
• 2:49
  read
• 2:49
  anybody's
• 2:50
  mood.
• 2:50
  I
• 2:50
  talk
• 2:51
  a
• 2:51
  lot
• 2:51
  about
• 2:51
  the
• 2:51
  key
• 2:52
  in
• 2:52
  the
• 2:52
  doorknob.
• 2:52
  If
• 2:53
  the
• 2:53
  key
• 2:53
  took
• 2:53
  three
• 2:54
  times
• 2:54
  to
• 2:54
  get
• 2:54
  in,
• 2:54
  I
• 2:54
  knew
• 2:55
  it
• 2:55
  was
• 2:55
  going
• 2:55
  to
• 2:55
  be
• 2:55
  a
• 2:55
  really
• 2:55
  long
• 2:56
  day.
• 2:57
  We
• 2:57
  learned
• 2:57
  to
• 2:57
  predict
• 2:58
  reactions,
• 2:59
  so
• 3:00
  I
• 3:00
  was
• 3:00
  ready,
• 3:01
  on
• 3:01
  guard,
• 3:01
  depending
• 3:02
  on
• 3:02
  how
• 3:02
  I
• 3:02
  worded
• 3:03
  things
• 3:03
  and
• 3:03
  how
• 3:03
  the
• 3:04
  reaction
• 3:04
  came
• 3:04
  out
• 3:04
  as
• 3:05
  to
• 3:05
  what
• 3:05
  I
• 3:05
  was
• 3:05
  going
• 3:05
  to
• 3:05
  be
• 3:05
  do.
• 3:06
  We
• 3:06
  learn
• 3:07
  to
• 3:07
  shrink.
• 3:07
  We
• 3:07
  learn
• 3:08
  to
• 3:08
  soften
• 3:08
  and
• 3:08
  we
• 3:09
  learn
• 3:09
  to
• 3:09
  over
• 3:09
  perform
• 3:10
  or
• 3:10
  to
• 3:10
  perform
• 3:11
  our
• 3:11
  best
• 3:11
  so
• 3:12
  that
• 3:12
  we
• 3:12
  could
• 3:12
  maybe
• 3:12
  possibly
• 3:13
  make
• 3:13
  things
• 3:13
  a
• 3:14
  little
• 3:14
  more
• 3:14
  peaceful,
• 3:14
  which
• 3:15
  we
• 3:15
  all
• 3:15
  know
• 3:15
  does
• 3:16
  not
• 3:16
  work.
• 3:17
  And
• 3:17
  so
• 3:17
  slowly,
• 3:18
  without
• 3:18
  even
• 3:18
  realizing
• 3:19
  it,
• 3:20
  our
• 3:20
  identities
• 3:21
  became
• 3:21
  built
• 3:22
  around
• 3:22
  every
• 3:22
  single
• 3:23
  person
• 3:24
  in
• 3:24
  our
• 3:24
  lives
• 3:24
  besides
• 3:25
  ourselves.
• 3:26
  I
• 3:26
  remember
• 3:27
  being
• 3:27
  asked
• 3:27
  once
• 3:27
  in
• 3:28
  therapy,
• 3:28
  who
• 3:28
  are
• 3:28
  you?
• 3:29
  And
• 3:29
  my
• 3:29
  honest
• 3:29
  answer
• 3:30
  was,
• 3:30
  I'm
• 3:30
  whoever
• 3:31
  you
• 3:31
  need
• 3:31
  me
• 3:31
  to
• 3:31
  be.
• 3:32
  Not
• 3:32
  because
• 3:32
  I
• 3:32
  was
• 3:32
  fake,
• 3:33
  not
• 3:33
  because
• 3:34
  I
• 3:34
  didn't
• 3:36
  want
• 3:37
  to
• 3:37
  be
• 3:37
  me,
• 3:38
  because
• 3:38
  I
• 3:38
  had
• 3:38
  never
• 3:39
  allowed
• 3:39
  to
• 3:40
  be
• 3:40
  real.
• 3:40
  And
• 3:40
  at
• 3:40
  that
• 3:41
  point
• 3:41
  in
• 3:41
  my
• 3:41
  life,
• 3:41
  at
• 3:41
  about
• 3:42
  26
• 3:42
  years
• 3:42
  old,
• 3:43
  I
• 3:43
  didn't
• 3:43
  even
• 3:43
  know
• 3:43
  who
• 3:44
  I
• 3:44
  was.
• 3:45
  And
• 3:46
  if
• 3:46
  that's
• 3:46
  you,
• 3:46
  and
• 3:47
  I
• 3:47
  totally
• 3:47
  understand,
• 3:49
  I
• 3:49
  want
• 3:49
  you
• 3:49
  to
• 3:49
  hear
• 3:50
  this
• 3:50
  and
• 3:50
  hear
• 3:50
  this
• 3:50
  very
• 3:51
  clearly.
• 3:51
  Nothing
• 3:52
  is
• 3:52
  wrong
• 3:52
  with
• 3:52
  you.
• 3:53
  You
• 3:53
  simply
• 3:53
  weren't
• 3:53
  given
• 3:54
  a
• 3:54
  space
• 3:54
  to
• 3:55
  develop
• 3:55
  yourself.
• 3:58
  So
• 3:58
  that's
• 3:58
  one
• 3:58
  of
• 3:58
  the
• 3:59
  first
• 3:59
  things.
• 3:59
  The
• 3:59
  next
• 3:59
  thing
• 3:59
  we
• 4:00
  talked
• 4:00
  about
• 4:00
  was
• 4:00
  why
• 4:01
  familiar
• 4:02
  pain
• 4:02
  feels
• 4:03
  safer
• 4:03
  than
• 4:03
  peace.
• 4:04
  And
• 4:04
  I
• 4:04
  know
• 4:05
  that
• 4:05
  may
• 4:05
  sound
• 4:05
  crazy.
• 4:07
  Your
• 4:07
  nervous
• 4:07
  system
• 4:08
  really
• 4:08
  literally
• 4:09
  learned
• 4:09
  what
• 4:10
  love
• 4:10
  felt
• 4:10
  like
• 4:11
  in
• 4:11
  chaos.
• 4:12
  So
• 4:13
  it
• 4:13
  was
• 4:13
  normal,
• 4:14
  calm,
• 4:16
  felt
• 4:16
  boring.
• 4:16
  I
• 4:17
  remember
• 4:17
  the
• 4:17
  first
• 4:17
  time
• 4:18
  things
• 4:18
  were
• 4:18
  peaceful
• 4:19
  and
• 4:19
  they
• 4:19
  were
• 4:19
  calm
• 4:19
  and
• 4:20
  they
• 4:20
  were
• 4:20
  slow.
• 4:20
  And
• 4:21
  it
• 4:21
  felt
• 4:22
  very
• 4:22
  boring
• 4:22
  to
• 4:23
  me.
• 4:23
  And
• 4:23
  not
• 4:23
  only
• 4:23
  that,
• 4:24
  but
• 4:24
  it
• 4:25
  felt
• 4:25
  suspicious.
• 4:25
  I
• 4:25
  felt
• 4:26
  like
• 4:26
  something
• 4:26
  was
• 4:27
  going
• 4:27
  to
• 4:27
  go
• 4:27
  wrong.
• 4:28
  Being
• 4:29
  in
• 4:29
  a
• 4:29
  peaceful
• 4:29
  situation
• 4:30
  literally
• 4:30
  felt
• 4:31
  so
• 4:31
  unfamiliar
• 4:32
  to
• 4:32
  me.
• 4:32
  It
• 4:32
  was
• 4:32
  uncomfortable
• 4:33
  and
• 4:33
  I
• 4:33
  didn't
• 4:33
  like
• 4:34
  it.
• 4:34
  Your
• 4:35
  body
• 4:35
  doesn't
• 4:35
  choose
• 4:36
  what
• 4:36
  is
• 4:36
  healthy.
• 4:37
  It
• 4:37
  chooses
• 4:37
  what
• 4:37
  it
• 4:38
  recognizes.
• 4:39
  So
• 4:39
  when
• 4:39
  someone
• 4:40
  feels
• 4:40
  unpredictable,
• 4:41
  distant,
• 4:42
  intense,
• 4:42
  or
• 4:43
  emotionally
• 4:44
  unavailable,
• 4:45
  your
• 4:45
  body
• 4:45
  says,
• 4:46
  oh,
• 4:46
  I
• 4:46
  know
• 4:47
  this.
• 4:47
  I
• 4:47
  know
• 4:47
  what
• 4:47
  this
• 4:48
  feels
• 4:48
  like.
• 4:48
  I
• 4:49
  know
• 4:49
  how
• 4:49
  to
• 4:49
  do
• 4:49
  this
• 4:49
  and
• 4:49
  I
• 4:50
  know
• 4:50
  how
• 4:50
  to
• 4:50
  react
• 4:50
  to
• 4:50
  it.
• 4:51
  Not
• 4:51
  because
• 4:51
  it's
• 4:52
  good,
• 4:52
  but
• 4:52
  because
• 4:52
  it's
• 4:53
  familiar.
• 4:53
  And
• 4:54
  when
• 4:54
  someone
• 4:54
  feels
• 4:54
  safe,
• 4:55
  steady
• 4:56
  and
• 4:56
  emotionally
• 4:56
  present,
• 4:57
  your
• 4:57
  body
• 4:58
  says
• 4:58
  to
• 4:58
  you,
• 4:58
  oh,
• 4:59
  my
• 4:59
  God,
• 4:59
  this
• 4:59
  feels
• 4:59
  weird.
• 5:01
  Not
• 5:01
  because
• 5:01
  it's
• 5:01
  wrong,
• 5:02
  because
• 5:02
  it's
• 5:03
  new.
• 5:03
  It's
• 5:04
  not
• 5:04
  intuition,
• 5:05
  honestly.
• 5:06
  It's
• 5:06
  not
• 5:06
  going
• 5:06
  with
• 5:07
  our
• 5:07
  gut,
• 5:07
  it's
• 5:07
  not
• 5:07
  going
• 5:08
  with
• 5:08
  our
• 5:08
  feeling.
• 5:08
  It's
• 5:09
  conditioning.
• 5:09
  And
• 5:10
  it's
• 5:10
  going
• 5:10
  by
• 5:10
  what
• 5:10
  we
• 5:11
  were
• 5:11
  always
• 5:11
  told
• 5:11
  we
• 5:11
  had
• 5:12
  to
• 5:12
  do.
• 5:14
  The
• 5:14
  next
• 5:15
  thing
• 5:15
  I
• 5:15
  want
• 5:15
  to
• 5:15
  talk
• 5:15
  about
• 5:16
  is
• 5:17
  trauma
• 5:17
  bonds.
• 5:18
  And
• 5:18
  trauma
• 5:18
  bonds
• 5:19
  are
• 5:19
  not
• 5:19
  weakness.
• 5:20
  They're
• 5:20
  not
• 5:21
  about
• 5:21
  love,
• 5:21
  though.
• 5:21
  They're
• 5:22
  about
• 5:22
  chemistry.
• 5:23
  Bree
• 5:23
  did
• 5:23
  a
• 5:24
  fantabulous.
• 5:26
  I
• 5:26
  think
• 5:26
  that's
• 5:26
  a
• 5:27
  word.
• 5:27
  Fantastic.
• 5:28
  Fantabulous,
• 5:29
  fabulous.
• 5:29
  Whatever
• 5:29
  you
• 5:30
  want
• 5:30
  to
• 5:30
  say.
• 5:30
  She
• 5:31
  did
• 5:31
  a
• 5:31
  great
• 5:31
  job
• 5:32
  explaining
• 5:32
  this.
• 5:33
  Because
• 5:33
  the
• 5:33
  chemistry
• 5:34
  involves
• 5:34
  the
• 5:34
  cortisol,
• 5:35
  the
• 5:35
  adrenaline,
• 5:36
  the
• 5:36
  dopamine
• 5:36
  and
• 5:37
  the
• 5:37
  oxytocin,
• 5:38
  your
• 5:38
  body
• 5:39
  becomes
• 5:39
  addicted
• 5:40
  to
• 5:40
  the
• 5:40
  relief,
• 5:40
  not
• 5:41
  the
• 5:41
  relationship.
• 5:42
  So
• 5:42
  when
• 5:42
  someone
• 5:42
  pulls
• 5:43
  away,
• 5:43
  it
• 5:44
  hurts
• 5:44
  like
• 5:44
  physical
• 5:44
  pain.
• 5:46
  When
• 5:46
  she
• 5:46
  said
• 5:46
  that
• 5:46
  in
• 5:47
  the
• 5:47
  episode,
• 5:47
  it
• 5:47
  literally
• 5:48
  Went
• 5:48
  right
• 5:48
  through
• 5:48
  me
• 5:48
  because
• 5:49
  I
• 5:49
  can
• 5:49
  remember
• 5:49
  the
• 5:50
  pain
• 5:50
  of
• 5:51
  thinking
• 5:51
  that
• 5:51
  someone
• 5:51
  was
• 5:52
  going
• 5:52
  to
• 5:52
  lose
• 5:52
  me.
• 5:53
  And
• 5:53
  when
• 5:54
  they
• 5:54
  don't
• 5:54
  come
• 5:54
  back,
• 5:54
  and
• 5:55
  when
• 5:55
  they
• 5:55
  come
• 5:55
  back,
• 5:55
  actually
• 5:57
  that
• 5:57
  feels
• 5:57
  like
• 5:57
  your
• 5:58
  oxygen.
• 5:58
  It's
• 5:58
  like
• 5:58
  you
• 5:59
  could
• 5:59
  breathe
• 5:59
  again.
• 6:00
  Even
• 6:00
  though
• 6:00
  that
• 6:01
  breath
• 6:01
  might
• 6:01
  be
• 6:01
  short
• 6:02
  lived,
• 6:02
  it
• 6:03
  didn't
• 6:03
  matter.
• 6:03
  So
• 6:03
  what
• 6:04
  your
• 6:04
  brain
• 6:04
  put
• 6:04
  that
• 6:05
  together
• 6:05
  with.
• 6:06
  With
• 6:06
  is
• 6:07
  them
• 6:07
  coming
• 6:07
  back
• 6:08
  is
• 6:08
  relief.
• 6:10
  And
• 6:10
  that's.
• 6:11
  I
• 6:11
  mean,
• 6:12
  it's
• 6:12
  crazy
• 6:12
  when
• 6:12
  you
• 6:13
  think
• 6:13
  about
• 6:13
  it,
• 6:13
  but
• 6:14
  it's
• 6:14
  again,
• 6:14
  it's
• 6:15
  chemistry.
• 6:16
  So
• 6:16
  even
• 6:16
  when
• 6:16
  they
• 6:17
  are
• 6:17
  the
• 6:17
  source
• 6:17
  of
• 6:18
  pain,
• 6:19
  you
• 6:20
  still
• 6:20
  take
• 6:20
  them
• 6:20
  back.
• 6:21
  It's
• 6:21
  again,
• 6:21
  chemistry,
• 6:22
  biology,
• 6:23
  not
• 6:24
  your
• 6:24
  mind
• 6:24
  doing
• 6:24
  something
• 6:25
  wrong.
• 6:25
  I
• 6:25
  want
• 6:25
  you
• 6:26
  to
• 6:26
  promise
• 6:26
  that.
• 6:27
  And
• 6:27
  because
• 6:28
  of
• 6:28
  its
• 6:28
  chemistry,
• 6:28
  that's
• 6:29
  one
• 6:29
  of
• 6:29
  the
• 6:29
  other
• 6:29
  reasons.
• 6:29
  And
• 6:30
  again,
• 6:30
  she
• 6:30
  did
• 6:30
  a
• 6:30
  very
• 6:31
  great
• 6:31
  job
• 6:31
  of
• 6:31
  bringing
• 6:32
  this
• 6:32
  up,
• 6:32
  why
• 6:32
  willpower
• 6:33
  doesn't
• 6:33
  work.
• 6:34
  You
• 6:35
  can
• 6:35
  know
• 6:35
  something,
• 6:36
  someone
• 6:36
  isn't
• 6:36
  good
• 6:36
  for
• 6:37
  you,
• 6:37
  and
• 6:37
  you
• 6:37
  can
• 6:37
  still
• 6:37
  miss
• 6:38
  them.
• 6:39
  Logic
• 6:39
  does
• 6:40
  not
• 6:40
  break
• 6:40
  trauma
• 6:41
  bonds,
• 6:41
  guys.
• 6:42
  That's
• 6:42
  why
• 6:42
  boundaries
• 6:43
  sometimes
• 6:43
  feel
• 6:44
  absolutely
• 6:44
  impossible
• 6:45
  when
• 6:45
  you're
• 6:45
  disregulated.
• 6:46
  Because
• 6:46
  survival
• 6:47
  over
• 6:48
  wiring
• 6:48
  overrides
• 6:49
  logic
• 6:50
  every
• 6:50
  single
• 6:51
  time.
• 6:51
  Every
• 6:51
  single
• 6:52
  time.
• 6:52
  You
• 6:53
  don't
• 6:53
  heal
• 6:53
  by
• 6:53
  trying
• 6:53
  harder.
• 6:54
  You
• 6:54
  heal
• 6:55
  by
• 6:55
  teaching
• 6:55
  your
• 6:55
  body
• 6:56
  that
• 6:56
  it's
• 6:56
  safe.
• 6:58
  So
• 6:58
  where
• 6:58
  does
• 6:59
  healing
• 6:59
  actually
• 6:59
  begin?
• 7:00
  How
• 7:00
  do
• 7:00
  you
• 7:00
  do
• 7:00
  this?
• 7:03
  I
• 7:03
  think
• 7:03
  if
• 7:03
  I
• 7:04
  had
• 7:04
  to
• 7:04
  put
• 7:04
  it
• 7:04
  in
• 7:05
  one
• 7:05
  sentence,
• 7:05
  I
• 7:06
  would
• 7:06
  literally
• 7:06
  say,
• 7:07
  healing
• 7:07
  begins
• 7:08
  when
• 7:08
  you
• 7:08
  stop
• 7:08
  asking
• 7:09
  yourself,
• 7:09
  what's
• 7:10
  wrong
• 7:10
  with
• 7:10
  me?
• 7:12
  You
• 7:13
  have
• 7:13
  to
• 7:13
  stop
• 7:13
  using
• 7:14
  that
• 7:14
  sentence,
• 7:14
  what's
• 7:15
  wrong
• 7:15
  with
• 7:15
  me?
• 7:15
  And
• 7:16
  start
• 7:16
  asking,
• 7:16
  what
• 7:17
  did
• 7:17
  my
• 7:17
  body
• 7:18
  learn?
• 7:20
  That's
• 7:20
  when
• 7:20
  you'll
• 7:20
  stop
• 7:21
  shaming
• 7:21
  and
• 7:22
  start
• 7:22
  understanding
• 7:23
  your
• 7:23
  patterns.
• 7:25
  That's
• 7:25
  when
• 7:25
  you'll
• 7:26
  begin
• 7:26
  to
• 7:26
  learn
• 7:26
  how
• 7:26
  to
• 7:27
  self
• 7:27
  soothe,
• 7:28
  regulate,
• 7:29
  pause
• 7:29
  and
• 7:30
  choose
• 7:30
  different
• 7:30
  options.
• 7:31
  Not
• 7:31
  from
• 7:32
  force,
• 7:32
  but
• 7:32
  from
• 7:33
  safety.
• 7:34
  Because
• 7:34
  boundaries
• 7:34
  don't
• 7:35
  come
• 7:35
  from
• 7:35
  strength.
• 7:36
  They
• 7:36
  come
• 7:36
  from
• 7:37
  being
• 7:37
  able
• 7:37
  to
• 7:37
  trust
• 7:37
  yourself
• 7:38
  enough
• 7:38
  to
• 7:38
  establish
• 7:39
  them
• 7:40
  and
• 7:40
  maintain
• 7:40
  them.
• 7:41
  So
• 7:42
  how
• 7:42
  do
• 7:42
  you
• 7:42
  build
• 7:43
  a
• 7:43
  rebuild?
• 7:44
  Well,
• 7:44
  I
• 7:44
  guess
• 7:45
  build
• 7:45
  an
• 7:45
  identity.
• 7:45
  Rebuild
• 7:46
  an
• 7:46
  identity.
• 7:47
  You
• 7:47
  had
• 7:47
  your
• 7:47
  identity.
• 7:48
  You
• 7:48
  were
• 7:48
  born
• 7:49
  this
• 7:49
  person.
• 7:49
  You
• 7:49
  knew
• 7:50
  who
• 7:50
  you
• 7:50
  were,
• 7:50
  but
• 7:51
  then
• 7:51
  that
• 7:51
  got
• 7:51
  beaten
• 7:52
  out
• 7:52
  of
• 7:52
  you.
• 7:52
  So
• 7:53
  it's
• 7:53
  not
• 7:53
  something
• 7:54
  that
• 7:54
  has
• 7:54
  to
• 7:54
  be
• 7:54
  this
• 7:54
  big.
• 7:55
  I'm
• 7:55
  going
• 7:55
  to
• 7:55
  become
• 7:55
  someone
• 7:56
  new.
• 7:57
  First
• 7:57
  of
• 7:57
  all,
• 7:57
  you're
• 7:57
  not
• 7:57
  becoming
• 7:58
  someone
• 7:58
  new.
• 7:58
  I
• 7:58
  want
• 7:58
  you
• 7:58
  to
• 7:59
  hear
• 7:59
  this
• 7:59
  very
• 7:59
  clearly.
• 8:00
  You
• 8:00
  are
• 8:01
  not
• 8:01
  becoming
• 8:01
  someone
• 8:01
  new.
• 8:02
  You
• 8:02
  are
• 8:02
  just
• 8:03
  going
• 8:03
  back
• 8:03
  to
• 8:03
  the
• 8:04
  you
• 8:04
  that
• 8:04
  you
• 8:04
  were
• 8:04
  born,
• 8:05
  the
• 8:05
  you
• 8:05
  that
• 8:05
  this
• 8:06
  beautiful
• 8:07
  maker
• 8:07
  made
• 8:07
  you
• 8:09
  and
• 8:10
  how
• 8:10
  you
• 8:10
  should
• 8:10
  have
• 8:10
  been
• 8:10
  your
• 8:10
  entire
• 8:11
  life
• 8:11
  until
• 8:11
  someone
• 8:12
  put
• 8:12
  that
• 8:12
  flame
• 8:12
  out.
• 8:13
  So
• 8:14
  again,
• 8:14
  it's
• 8:15
  not
• 8:15
  this
• 8:15
  big,
• 8:15
  dramatic,
• 8:16
  I'm
• 8:16
  going
• 8:16
  to
• 8:16
  become
• 8:16
  someone
• 8:17
  new.
• 8:17
  It's
• 8:17
  gentle.
• 8:18
  It's
• 8:18
  just
• 8:18
  noticing
• 8:20
  it's
• 8:21
  doing
• 8:21
  something
• 8:21
  and
• 8:22
  saying
• 8:23
  I
• 8:23
  don't
• 8:23
  like
• 8:23
  this.
• 8:24
  Or
• 8:24
  doing
• 8:24
  something
• 8:24
  and
• 8:25
  saying
• 8:25
  this
• 8:25
  drains
• 8:25
  me,
• 8:26
  or
• 8:26
  doing
• 8:26
  something
• 8:26
  and
• 8:27
  saying
• 8:27
  this
• 8:28
  is
• 8:28
  not
• 8:28
  aligned
• 8:29
  with
• 8:29
  what
• 8:29
  I
• 8:29
  want
• 8:29
  to
• 8:29
  do,
• 8:31
  and
• 8:31
  then
• 8:31
  changing
• 8:32
  that
• 8:32
  pattern.
• 8:34
  When
• 8:34
  things
• 8:35
  happen
• 8:35
  and
• 8:35
  you
• 8:35
  get
• 8:35
  that
• 8:36
  little
• 8:36
  gut
• 8:37
  punch
• 8:37
  or
• 8:37
  that
• 8:37
  little
• 8:37
  feeling
• 8:38
  in
• 8:38
  your
• 8:38
  stomach,
• 8:38
  just
• 8:38
  ask
• 8:39
  yourself,
• 8:40
  do
• 8:40
  I
• 8:40
  feel
• 8:40
  peaceful
• 8:41
  here
• 8:41
  or
• 8:42
  is
• 8:42
  this
• 8:42
  just
• 8:42
  familiar?
• 8:43
  If
• 8:43
  you
• 8:44
  don't
• 8:44
  find
• 8:44
  yourself
• 8:44
  in
• 8:45
  one
• 8:45
  big
• 8:45
  moment
• 8:46
  of
• 8:46
  aha.
• 8:48
  Because
• 8:49
  you're
• 8:49
  going
• 8:49
  to
• 8:49
  find
• 8:49
  yourself
• 8:50
  in
• 8:50
  thousands
• 8:50
  of
• 8:51
  small,
• 8:51
  honest
• 8:52
  little
• 8:52
  moments
• 8:52
  where
• 8:52
  you
• 8:53
  say,
• 8:53
  this
• 8:54
  is
• 8:54
  not
• 8:54
  aligned
• 8:55
  with
• 8:55
  who
• 8:55
  I
• 8:55
  am,
• 8:56
  what
• 8:56
  can
• 8:56
  I
• 8:56
  do
• 8:57
  one
• 8:57
  step
• 8:57
  forward
• 8:58
  to
• 8:58
  make
• 8:59
  it
• 8:59
  a
• 8:59
  little
• 8:59
  easier
• 8:59
  on
• 8:59
  myself?
• 9:02
  But
• 9:02
  mostly,
• 9:04
  I
• 9:04
  think,
• 9:05
  in
• 9:05
  what
• 9:05
  we
• 9:05
  do
• 9:06
  and
• 9:06
  in
• 9:06
  everything
• 9:06
  we
• 9:06
  say
• 9:07
  and
• 9:07
  everywhere
• 9:07
  we
• 9:07
  go
• 9:08
  and
• 9:08
  everybody
• 9:08
  we
• 9:08
  talk
• 9:09
  to,
• 9:09
  we
• 9:09
  always
• 9:10
  hear
• 9:10
  about
• 9:10
  this
• 9:11
  pattern.
• 9:11
  If
• 9:11
  you
• 9:12
  don't
• 9:12
  change
• 9:12
  the
• 9:12
  patterns,
• 9:13
  it's
• 9:13
  going
• 9:13
  to
• 9:13
  be
• 9:13
  generational.
• 9:14
  You're
• 9:14
  going
• 9:14
  to
• 9:15
  pass
• 9:15
  it
• 9:15
  down.
• 9:15
  And
• 9:15
  this
• 9:15
  is
• 9:16
  true.
• 9:17
  But,
• 9:17
  my
• 9:17
  friends,
• 9:18
  if
• 9:18
  you
• 9:18
  were
• 9:18
  listening
• 9:18
  to
• 9:19
  this
• 9:19
  podcast,
• 9:19
  you're
• 9:20
  a
• 9:20
  cycle
• 9:20
  breaker.
• 9:21
  And
• 9:21
  I
• 9:21
  am
• 9:21
  so,
• 9:22
  so,
• 9:22
  so,
• 9:22
  so
• 9:23
  proud
• 9:23
  of
• 9:23
  you.
• 9:24
  Because
• 9:24
  you've
• 9:25
  realized
• 9:25
  you're
• 9:25
  not
• 9:25
  broken.
• 9:27
  And
• 9:27
  you've
• 9:28
  also
• 9:28
  realized
• 9:28
  that
• 9:28
  you
• 9:29
  are
• 9:29
  the
• 9:29
  interruption
• 9:30
  of
• 9:31
  a
• 9:31
  pattern
• 9:31
  that
• 9:31
  has
• 9:32
  been
• 9:32
  going
• 9:32
  on
• 9:32
  possibly
• 9:33
  for
• 9:33
  decades.
• 9:35
  Much
• 9:35
  of
• 9:36
  what
• 9:36
  you're
• 9:37
  going
• 9:37
  through,
• 9:37
  almost,
• 9:38
  I
• 9:38
  can
• 9:38
  almost
• 9:38
  guarantee
• 9:39
  you,
• 9:39
  100%
• 9:40
  of
• 9:40
  what
• 9:40
  you're
• 9:40
  going
• 9:40
  through
• 9:40
  didn't
• 9:41
  start
• 9:41
  with
• 9:41
  you,
• 9:42
  but
• 9:42
  it
• 9:43
  can
• 9:43
  end
• 9:43
  with
• 9:43
  you.
• 9:43
  And
• 9:43
  that's
• 9:44
  the
• 9:44
  most
• 9:44
  important
• 9:44
  thing.
• 9:45
  To
• 9:45
  know
• 9:45
  that
• 9:45
  you
• 9:45
  can
• 9:45
  be
• 9:46
  the
• 9:46
  cycle
• 9:46
  breaker,
• 9:46
  to
• 9:47
  know
• 9:47
  that
• 9:47
  you
• 9:47
  can
• 9:47
  identify
• 9:48
  these
• 9:48
  patterns,
• 9:50
  to
• 9:50
  know
• 9:51
  that
• 9:51
  what
• 9:51
  happened
• 9:52
  in
• 9:52
  the
• 9:52
  past
• 9:53
  is
• 9:53
  in
• 9:53
  the
• 9:53
  past,
• 9:54
  but
• 9:54
  that
• 9:54
  you
• 9:54
  can
• 9:55
  change
• 9:55
  what
• 9:55
  happens
• 9:56
  going
• 9:56
  forward.
• 9:56
  Because
• 9:57
  it's
• 9:57
  not
• 9:57
  about
• 9:57
  blaming
• 9:58
  the
• 9:58
  past.
• 9:58
  It's
• 9:58
  not
• 9:58
  about
• 9:59
  blaming
• 9:59
  your
• 10:00
  mom
• 10:00
  or
• 10:00
  your
• 10:00
  dad
• 10:00
  or
• 10:01
  the
• 10:01
  people
• 10:01
  that
• 10:01
  adopted
• 10:02
  you,
• 10:02
  or
• 10:02
  the
• 10:02
  people
• 10:02
  that
• 10:02
  didn't
• 10:03
  adopt
• 10:03
  you
• 10:03
  or
• 10:03
  the
• 10:03
  people
• 10:03
  that
• 10:04
  abandoned
• 10:04
  you
• 10:04
  or
• 10:04
  hurt
• 10:05
  you.
• 10:06
  It's
• 10:07
  about
• 10:07
  setting
• 10:07
  all
• 10:07
  of
• 10:07
  that
• 10:08
  aside
• 10:09
  and
• 10:09
  choosing
• 10:09
  the
• 10:09
  future.
• 10:10
  And
• 10:10
  in
• 10:10
  every
• 10:11
  single
• 10:11
  decision
• 10:11
  you
• 10:12
  make,
• 10:12
  choosing
• 10:12
  you.
• 10:13
  And
• 10:13
  you
• 10:14
  don't
• 10:14
  have
• 10:14
  to
• 10:14
  do
• 10:14
  it
• 10:14
  perfectly.
• 10:15
  There
• 10:15
  is
• 10:16
  no
• 10:16
  perfect
• 10:16
  line
• 10:17
  to
• 10:17
  this
• 10:17
  or
• 10:18
  answer
• 10:18
  to
• 10:18
  this.
• 10:19
  You
• 10:19
  just
• 10:19
  have
• 10:20
  to
• 10:20
  do
• 10:20
  it
• 10:20
  consciously.
• 10:20
  You
• 10:21
  have
• 10:21
  to
• 10:21
  be
• 10:21
  aware.
• 10:23
  You
• 10:23
  have
• 10:23
  to
• 10:23
  start
• 10:23
  getting
• 10:24
  your
• 10:24
  body
• 10:24
  and
• 10:25
  your
• 10:25
  mind
• 10:25
  into
• 10:26
  that
• 10:27
  idea
• 10:28
  of
• 10:28
  actually
• 10:29
  thriving
• 10:30
  versus
• 10:30
  just
• 10:31
  surviving.
• 10:32
  You've
• 10:33
  probably
• 10:33
  also
• 10:33
  heard
• 10:34
  me
• 10:34
  say
• 10:34
  this.
• 10:34
  If
• 10:34
  you're
• 10:34
  standing
• 10:35
  here
• 10:35
  today,
• 10:35
  you're
• 10:35
  a
• 10:36
  worrier.
• 10:37
  You're
• 10:37
  an
• 10:37
  absolute
• 10:38
  warrior.
• 10:38
  And
• 10:38
  you.
• 10:39
  You've
• 10:39
  already
• 10:39
  survived.
• 10:40
  You've
• 10:40
  gotten
• 10:41
  through
• 10:41
  the
• 10:41
  tough
• 10:41
  stuff.
• 10:42
  You've
• 10:42
  proved
• 10:43
  your
• 10:43
  strength.
• 10:44
  Now
• 10:44
  this
• 10:45
  is
• 10:45
  my
• 10:45
  invitation
• 10:46
  to
• 10:46
  you.
• 10:46
  Because
• 10:47
  when
• 10:47
  we
• 10:47
  go
• 10:47
  through
• 10:47
  all
• 10:48
  this
• 10:48
  stuff,
• 10:48
  I
• 10:48
  don't
• 10:49
  want
• 10:49
  to
• 10:49
  leave
• 10:49
  anybody
• 10:49
  triggered.
• 10:50
  I
• 10:50
  don't
• 10:50
  want
• 10:50
  to
• 10:50
  leave
• 10:50
  anybody
• 10:51
  with
• 10:51
  the
• 10:51
  blatant
• 10:52
  obvious
• 10:53
  awareness
• 10:54
  that
• 10:54
  their
• 10:54
  life
• 10:55
  was
• 10:55
  screwed
• 10:55
  up,
• 10:55
  that
• 10:56
  they
• 10:56
  have
• 10:56
  these
• 10:56
  patterns.
• 10:57
  I
• 10:58
  want
• 10:58
  to
• 10:58
  ask
• 10:58
  you,
• 10:58
  and
• 10:59
  I
• 10:59
  want
• 10:59
  to
• 11:00
  open
• 11:00
  the
• 11:00
  invitation
• 11:01
  to
• 11:01
  you,
• 11:03
  knowing
• 11:03
  that
• 11:03
  you're
• 11:04
  here,
• 11:04
  right
• 11:04
  here,
• 11:04
  right
• 11:05
  now,
• 11:05
  where
• 11:06
  you're
• 11:06
  at.
• 11:06
  Do
• 11:06
  you
• 11:07
  want
• 11:07
  to
• 11:07
  just
• 11:07
  survive?
• 11:08
  Do
• 11:09
  you
• 11:09
  really,
• 11:09
  really,
• 11:10
  really
• 11:10
  want
• 11:10
  to
• 11:10
  start
• 11:11
  thriving?
• 11:11
  Because
• 11:12
  thriving
• 11:13
  is
• 11:13
  where
• 11:14
  peace
• 11:14
  lives.
• 11:15
  Thriving
• 11:15
  is
• 11:15
  where
• 11:16
  joy
• 11:16
  lives.
• 11:17
  Thriving
• 11:17
  is
• 11:17
  where
• 11:18
  you
• 11:18
  finally
• 11:18
  get
• 11:18
  to
• 11:19
  come
• 11:19
  home
• 11:19
  to
• 11:19
  yourself.
• 11:20
  And
• 11:20
  that
• 11:20
  is
• 11:21
  the
• 11:21
  most
• 11:22
  important
• 11:22
  thing
• 11:22
  you
• 11:23
  can
• 11:23
  ever
• 11:23
  do,
• 11:24
  is
• 11:24
  come
• 11:24
  home
• 11:24
  to
• 11:25
  yourself.
• 11:25
  Believe
• 11:26
  in
• 11:26
  yourself.
• 11:27
  Trust
• 11:27
  yourself,
• 11:28
  and
• 11:28
  love
• 11:29
  yourself.
• 11:30
  So
• 11:30
  if
• 11:30
  you're
• 11:30
  listening
• 11:30
  to
• 11:30
  this
• 11:31
  and
• 11:31
  it's
• 11:31
  something
• 11:32
  you
• 11:32
  see
• 11:32
  or
• 11:32
  something
• 11:33
  you
• 11:33
  feel,
• 11:33
  I
• 11:33
  want
• 11:33
  you
• 11:33
  to
• 11:34
  know
• 11:34
  you're
• 11:34
  not
• 11:34
  late,
• 11:35
  you're
• 11:35
  not
• 11:35
  behind.
• 11:36
  You're
• 11:36
  exactly
• 11:37
  where
• 11:37
  your
• 11:37
  healing
• 11:38
  begins.
• 11:38
  And
• 11:39
  healing
• 11:39
  is
• 11:39
  not
• 11:39
  becoming
• 11:40
  someone
• 11:40
  new.
• 11:51
  Healing
• 11:52
  is
• 11:52
  not
• 11:52
  becoming
• 11:53
  someone
• 11:53
  new.
• 11:54
  It's
• 11:54
  becoming
• 11:54
  the
• 11:54
  you
• 11:55
  that
• 11:55
  you
• 11:55
  always
• 11:55
  were.
• 11:56
  So
• 11:56
  if
• 11:56
  you're
• 11:56
  ready
• 11:56
  to
• 11:56
  explore
• 11:57
  your
• 11:57
  patterns
• 11:57
  with
• 11:58
  support,
• 11:59
  you're
• 11:59
  always
• 11:59
  welcome
• 11:59
  to
• 11:59
  reach
• 12:00
  out.
• 12:00
  Reach
• 12:00
  out
• 12:00
  for
• 12:00
  a
• 12:01
  free
• 12:01
  conversation.
• 12:02
  You
• 12:02
  don't
• 12:02
  have
• 12:02
  to
• 12:02
  figure
• 12:02
  this
• 12:03
  out
• 12:03
  all
• 12:03
  alone.
• 12:04
  We
• 12:04
  can
• 12:04
  walk
• 12:04
  it
• 12:04
  together.
• 12:05
  So
• 12:06
  I
• 12:06
  really
• 12:06
  want
• 12:06
  to
• 12:06
  thank
• 12:06
  you
• 12:06
  for
• 12:07
  being
• 12:07
  here
• 12:07
  with
• 12:07
  me
• 12:07
  today.
• 12:08
  Thank
• 12:08
  you
• 12:08
  for
• 12:08
  letting
• 12:09
  me
• 12:09
  expand
• 12:09
  just
• 12:09
  a
• 12:10
  little
• 12:10
  bit
• 12:10
  more
• 12:10
  on
• 12:10
  what
• 12:10
  Bri
• 12:10
  Walta
• 12:11
  and
• 12:11
  I
• 12:11
  talked
• 12:11
  about
• 12:12
  yesterday,
• 12:12
  because
• 12:13
  it
• 12:13
  was
• 12:14
  such
• 12:14
  an
• 12:14
  important
• 12:14
  conversation.
• 12:16
  And
• 12:17
  again,
• 12:17
  if
• 12:18
  you're
• 12:18
  here,
• 12:18
  you
• 12:18
  are
• 12:19
  being.
• 12:19
  You
• 12:19
  are
• 12:19
  brave,
• 12:20
  you
• 12:20
  are
• 12:20
  a
• 12:21
  warrior,
• 12:21
  and
• 12:22
  you
• 12:23
  seem
• 12:23
  like
• 12:23
  you
• 12:23
  might
• 12:24
  be
• 12:24
  ready
• 12:24
  enough
• 12:24
  to
• 12:25
  look
• 12:25
  inward.
• 12:26
  So
• 12:27
  thank
• 12:27
  you
• 12:27
  for
• 12:27
  choosing
• 12:28
  yourself.
• 12:29
  Even
• 12:29
  when
• 12:29
  it
• 12:29
  feels
• 12:30
  uncomfortable,
• 12:31
  remember,
• 12:32
  you
• 12:32
  are
• 12:32
  worthy
• 12:32
  and
• 12:33
  you
• 12:33
  are
• 12:33
  ready
• 12:33
  for
• 12:34
  everything
• 12:34
  you
• 12:34
  could
• 12:34
  possibly
• 12:35
  have
• 12:35
  in
• 12:35
  the
• 12:35
  world.
• 12:36
  So
• 12:36
  thank
• 12:36
  you,
• 12:37
  and
• 12:37
  I
• 12:37
  hope
• 12:37
  to
• 12:37
  see
• 12:37
  you
• 12:37
  soon.