Latest / Heavyweight / 2026 Update: Tony

Transcript

2026 Update: Tony · Heavyweight

• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Pushkin.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: Hello, Hello, who is this? This is Khalila Holt, your producer.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Well, hello, hello, nice to have you back in the studio.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Welcome, Nice to be reunited in this auditory space.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Yes, indeed it is. Have a seat please.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: I'm already sitting, but thank you. Yes, we are going
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: to revisit some favorite episodes this spring.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Yes, I couldn't be more excited.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Do I sound not excited at all? But yeah?
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: You know, sometimes my enthusiasm doesn't come across, and I'm
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: always surprised. Like same, Like in photos, I think that
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: I'm smiling, but then when I see the photos, not
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: only am I not smiling at all, it looks like
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I'm scowling.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I have a really hard time showing enthusiasm too. I've
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: noticed that often when I try to like really lean
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: into enthusiasm in my voice, it sounds like I'm being sarcastic.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I am excited, and I'm going to approve
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: me too. I'm going to prove to you my excitement
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: and my enthusiasms as this conversation goes on.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Okay, I look forward to that. Yes, and we're gonna
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: also check in with our former guests, because you know,
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: a lot of them have had some changes in the
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: years since.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: Whereas stories end, lives continue, and.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: So I do end eventually.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Oh God, thanks for bringing the whole thing down.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: I'm just saying.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's everyone's thinking it all right.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Anyway, who are we talking about today?
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: So today we're gonna revisit the episode Jonathan about your
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: friend Tony from our very first season.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: I love it. It's been a long time.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that was my favorite episode that season. Something about
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: it just really moved me.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Huh.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Again, it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm serious.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I really liked it.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: No, no, I believe you. It's a It's a personal
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: favorite of mine because Tony is one of my best friends,
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: and he's an interesting man and his life beyond the
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: story continued to be interesting and flow in all kinds
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: of unexpected and original directions, so I was really excited
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: to check in with him after we kind of what's
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: the thing that they do in movies? Like after the
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: rap party of this episode, and actually, speaking of rap parties,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Yes you want me to do some rapping?
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: No? No, thank you? Okay, I have a fun, little
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: fun story from.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Production, Oh please.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Which is that there's a part in this where one
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: of Tony's godson says it's over for you, you old sausage.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: When we celebrated the first season, I, at the suggestion
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: of Chris Neery, one of the producers on the first season, right,
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: went and got a cake and I asked them to
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: put on It's over you old sausage.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I do remember this, and I thank you. I thank
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: you again for that. But if you had to do
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: it all over again, if you were to make edits,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: might you say it's not over you a young sausage.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: It's still going you young sausage.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: So enjoy, Yeah, enjoy. We'll check in with Tony at
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: the end of the episode, and not to overpromise, but
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: there's just a lot that's gone on in his life
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: and a lot that continues to go on. Yes, but
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: first things first, a word from our sponsors.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: Did hi?
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: This is Khalila from Gimlet Media. Please hold for Jonathan Goldstein.
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry, who is this.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Khalila from Gimblet Media. Please hold for Jonathan Goldstein?
• 4:14
  Speaker 4: Please hold? Yeah, Wow, Hello, Hello. How nice of you
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: to take the call from yourself. Oh hey, Jackie, you
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: seem surprised that you called me so to hear from you.
• 4:43
  Speaker 5: You.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that I had you on my calendar.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: But this is great. How are you doing? It's been
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: so busy. It's nice to decompress and have a normal conversation.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: How's it going from Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: this is Heavyweight Today's episode.
• 5:05
  Speaker 6: Tony, Paul, how are you very good?
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Thanks?
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: I was wondering if you would be up for meeting
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: me for an hour?
• 5:26
  Speaker 7: Okay, what about I was.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: Absent for most of your life, and you know, I've
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: always felt sad about it.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Here's something you don't hear every day. A godfather awkwardly
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: asking out his thirty one year old godson on a
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: god date.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: I know you're I know your busy as life, mouthed father.
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: Who and but I think you'd spare an hour like
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: Monday or Tuesday night, you know.
• 5:51
  Speaker 7: Unfortunately, a week in advance not to I don't know what.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: The hell was not the godfather being blown off as
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: my friend Tony, the realization that he needed to be
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: a better godfather came suddenly. It was like if Vido
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Corleone woke up one morning and thought, you know, godfathering
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: should be more than just decapitating horses, and then picked
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: up a rotary phone and asked Johnny Fontaine out on
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: an ice cream date. But to explain how Tony got
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: to this point, let's go back to the beginning. It
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: all started when Tony and I were catching up and
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: regarding work. How is that going good?
• 6:29
  Speaker 5: It's really great. I've like, I'm actually enjoying the process
• 6:33
  Speaker 5: I'm making this film, which is I think the really
• 6:36
  Speaker 5: amazing thing about the past year.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: This past year has been a hard one for Tony.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: He's recently divorced and still adjusting the house that has
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: been settled.
• 6:48
  Speaker 5: Yeah, everything is settled. Everything is settled. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: I first met Tony in college when he was a
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: young film student with manic energy, Jean Shallatt, curly black hair,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: and gray clothes that always smelt of Greek food. After college,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: we became roommates and on the weekend his would visit.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: She referred to me as gatzo'meli's mano everyaki, which I
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: think translates loosely as the alley cat haired little jew.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: But I didn't mind because whenever she showed up, she
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: brought Homemateespencopita and Terra mussolada. Tony would wash down these
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Grecian delights with copious amounts of booze. Pretty soon he
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: started washing everything down with booze. There's an image from
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: that time that stuck with me. Tony had decided to
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: join me at the gym after downing a half bottle
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: of vodka. I remember him wailing on the heavy bag
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: in his undershirt and gray jeans, looking a little like
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: a kid, pounding on the floor, fed up with everything. Eventually,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Tony turned to harder drugs like heroin, and soon after
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: that we stopped being roommates. Tony went to rehab and
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: after he got out, spent some years putting his life
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: back together. He had a few relationships, and then he
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: met Natalie. Natalie was smart and loved to write, and
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: when Tony hugged her, she disappeared into his body. Tony's
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: a big guy with a thick black beard covering his
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: boyish face, and Natalie was apple cheeked and glamorous. I
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: like being around them. One time, while walking by a
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: curiosity shop, I saw a comically small ping pong table
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: in the window. Immediately I thought of Tony and Natalie.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: I imagined the two of them in their kitchen, smacking
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: the little ball back and forth together and laughing. During
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: their wedding vows, Natalie said, I vowed to grow old
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: with you, but most of all, to grow young with you,
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: and Tony interrupted her right in the middle, eyes welling
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: up to say me too. It was like he'd blown
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: his youth but was getting another chance. But then, at
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: some point, around three years in, things started to get tougher.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Tony spent a lot of time locked in his studio,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: working obsessively on his movies, and Natalie started to feel
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: hamstrung by montreal It's smallness, the lack of opportunities. They
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: wanted a baby, but were having a hard time with it.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: And then Tony's dad died, making him the sole caretaker
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: of his mother, a woman who didn't shy away from
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: espousing strong opinions about her son's personal life. All of
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: this was hard on him and Natalie.
• 9:32
  Speaker 5: She was not happy. She was not happy, She was
• 9:34
  Speaker 5: not happy. She just didn't want to be here.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: Natalie wanted to start a new life in a new place,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: but Tony felt happily stuck in the old one and
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: he couldn't leave his mother all alone. So when Natalie
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: decided to leave town, he knew he couldn't go with her.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Was there ever a conversation in which you were both
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: trying to envision a way in which you could leave
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: the city.
• 9:54
  Speaker 5: No, because there was no way.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Like even with your mother to go with you.
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: Why is that no?
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Tony's mother is an eighty four year old Greek woman
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: with little English whose only hobbies are meticulously cleaning her
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: toaster of and wringing her hands while frowning and so
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: in here lies the heart of Tony's current problem. Before
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: they separated, Tony and Natalie were trying to have a baby,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: and now he finds himself alone, middle aged, and worried
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: he's missed his last chance to have a kid.
• 10:30
  Speaker 5: I don't think there's a point to anything if you
• 10:34
  Speaker 5: don't have a relationship with a young person. How do
• 10:36
  Speaker 5: you mean if I sit here in the dark thinking
• 10:38
  Speaker 5: about it and realizing, you know, I'm forty six years
• 10:40
  Speaker 5: old and I live alone, and I'm not probably not
• 10:43
  Speaker 5: going to have kids, and who the fuck gives a
• 10:45
  Speaker 5: shit if I live or die aside from my mother
• 10:50
  Speaker 5: and a few friends, But really, who gives a shit.
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: You know, who's going to feel a loss. I'm not
• 10:58
  Speaker 5: saying that in an egotistical way, But who do I
• 11:01
  Speaker 5: mean something to? Whose life have I enriched? Like? I
• 11:04
  Speaker 5: don't think I don't understand what there is to do
• 11:08
  Speaker 5: here if you're not somehow helping or being connected to
• 11:11
  Speaker 5: a younger person.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: Lately, Tony's been thinking about three young people he had
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: been connected to, his estranged god children. Tony admits to
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: screwing up those three relationships during three difficult chapters in
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: his life drug addiction, rehab, and divorce. What if you
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: were to try to get them back in your life?
• 11:40
  Speaker 5: I'm not sure what difference I can make and somebody's
• 11:45
  Speaker 5: it's kind of like, hey, yeah, here I am now,
• 11:47
  Speaker 5: I'm ready for you, Like I haven't been here all
• 11:49
  Speaker 5: these years, but hey here I am now. You know.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Not hearing my friend give up on himself so easily,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I decided to suggest something bold. Why not try reaching
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: out to the god kids he lost?
• 11:59
  Speaker 5: Now? I mean, I actually do want to have a relationship.
• 12:06
  Speaker 5: I do.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: You don't know until you at least try.
• 12:09
  Speaker 5: Right, I'm I'm I'm open to anything.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: And do you have their phone numbers? I get him
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: to tell me about them, Beginning with the first Paul.
• 12:23
  Speaker 5: I was sixteen years old. It was very formal. I
• 12:27
  Speaker 5: held this kid in a Greek Orthodox baptism ceremony for
• 12:31
  Speaker 5: an hour. My arm almost fell off. Babies are really heavy,
• 12:33
  Speaker 5: especially when you have one arm to hold onto them
• 12:35
  Speaker 5: and have a candle in the other. Yeah, but it
• 12:37
  Speaker 5: was cute. You know. I was really young, and I
• 12:41
  Speaker 5: was close to their family, but I was sixteen. Within
• 12:46
  Speaker 5: like two years, I was a raving, lunatic, alcoholic drug addict.
• 12:53
  Speaker 5: I didn't see much of him or anybody at all
• 12:56
  Speaker 5: from the family for quite a few years. And I
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: didn't think about it much, that's for sure.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: And this god kid, what's his name. His name is Paul,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: and Paul would be about thirty years old.
• 13:08
  Speaker 5: Now, uh, yeah, he's thirty one. And here's the thing.
• 13:14
  Speaker 5: I've never actually talked to him about about how he
• 13:16
  Speaker 5: felt having an absence he godfather. But he beat me
• 13:19
  Speaker 5: at an arm wrestle, and he I think he really
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: enjoyed that.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: And when you say he enjoyed that, he enjoyed hanging
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: out and spending time with you, or he enjoyed beating you,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: enjoyed beating me for being such a crappy godfather.
• 13:31
  Speaker 5: That's what I'm saying.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, is there a particular question that you would want
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: to pose to him or to all of them?
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: Do you hate me? Like? Does it mean anything that
• 13:47
  Speaker 5: I'm somebody's godfather because I said so or somebody said so,
• 13:50
  Speaker 5: or we did something long time ago. It can mean
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: nothing or it can mean something. You know, Godfather's a
• 13:57
  Speaker 5: big fucking deal if you think about it. It has
• 14:00
  Speaker 5: this spiritual implication God right, it's not toilet father.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: And so, with my encouragement, Tony picked up the phone
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: and reached out to Paul, which brings us back to
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: the phone call you heard.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: Earlier on Saturday.
• 14:20
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I think that's that'll be easiest.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: Okay are you? Are you up to this? You don't
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: feel like I don't want to impose on you like.
• 14:28
  Speaker 7: And you said you know you feel bad. I don't
• 14:30
  Speaker 7: think you should. There's nothing to feel bad about. Yeah, yeah,
• 14:36
  Speaker 7: but yeah, give me a call the weekend and we'll
• 14:38
  Speaker 7: try to figure something out.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: Okay, great, I'll call you perfect right, sounds good. YouTube.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: On Saturday, Tony called with no response, He reached out
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: again and again. Eventually he gave up. Tony and Paul
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: never got together. Tony and I reconvene, and I tried
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: to bolster his spirits. Maybe things would go better with godchild.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: The second Zoe.
• 15:15
  Speaker 5: She is the daughter of a rehab buddy who was
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: actually also a drug dealer here in Montreal when I
• 15:21
  Speaker 5: was dealing in Montreal and we met in rehab in Ottawa,
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: and he asked me, do you want to be her godfather?
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: I said sure, I said you guys in baptizer. I said, no,
• 15:33
  Speaker 5: be her godfather? Okay, great, And so it was just
• 15:37
  Speaker 5: like that. So that was easy, yeah, but it was meaningful.
• 15:42
  Speaker 5: I was happy to do whatever was going to be
• 15:44
  Speaker 5: required with me. And I did see the kid, you know,
• 15:48
  Speaker 5: when she was young, and then I moved to Montreal
• 15:53
  Speaker 5: and so she basically grew up without me.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: In the intervening years, Tony's only seen Zoe a couple
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: times when she comes to town. She doesn't bother looking
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: him up.
• 16:03
  Speaker 5: Because I remember how I used to see people that
• 16:05
  Speaker 5: were like, never mind forties. Yeah, like people in their
• 16:09
  Speaker 5: thirties were crusty, you know, a yellow tonyailed you know,
• 16:16
  Speaker 5: old people, and occasionally, you know, I get like she
• 16:19
  Speaker 5: likes something on my Facebook page and I'll be like ooh.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: But Tony wants more than that. Since Zoe still lives
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: in Ottawa, just a two hour drive away, I suggest
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: to go visit her. Maybe it isn't too late. But
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: after his failed attempt with Paul, he isn't sure she'll
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: even want to see him, so I offered a road
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: trip down with him for emotional support. You know, the
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: whole purpose of this thing is for you not to
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: be a dead meat.
• 16:46
  Speaker 5: God Dad, I know. I feel really bad. It's my fault.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: It's Zowa's last week of high school and Tony's arranged
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: to pick her up after her day of finals.
• 16:54
  Speaker 5: You don't mind driving a little fast to you. Don't
• 16:57
  Speaker 5: go like snail past grandma style.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: That's my style, No grandma style.
• 17:00
  Speaker 5: Don't do that.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: When we get to the school, Zoe's waiting outside.
• 17:05
  Speaker 5: All right, here we go. You're feeling good. I'm feeling good.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: There we get, here we go, Here we're weird.
• 17:13
  Speaker 6: Hello, Hello, how are you?
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Zoe is eighteen. She's wearing a Yin and Yang choker
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: around her neck and a pink scrunchy in her hair.
• 17:21
  Speaker 5: So how's everything?
• 17:22
  Speaker 8: How are you really good, almost done high school, the
• 17:27
  Speaker 8: final Frontier.
• 17:29
  Speaker 5: So let's go to the park.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Would you like some candy?
• 17:36
  Speaker 5: Tom Zilli?
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: As Tony's emotional support system, I thought it might be
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: helpful to bring refreshments. We drive along, chewing in silence,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: and then Tony decides to break the ice.
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: I have a really disgusting story to tell you.
• 17:58
  Speaker 8: Well, can you contextualize what discussing?
• 18:00
  Speaker 5: Oh my god, I'm only thinking about it because it
• 18:02
  Speaker 5: happened right around here.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: Oh no, I don't like where this is going.
• 18:07
  Speaker 5: A friend of mine has been color electing his vomit
• 18:10
  Speaker 5: for the past twenty years in a gigantic tin like
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: a gigantic metal drama in the basement.
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: Oh my god, what heck?
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I wasn't expecting.
• 18:22
  Speaker 8: That's so terrible.
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: Why would you?
• 18:26
  Speaker 8: Why would you bring something like that up right now?
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: So like, how did you find out about that?
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: So many questions and fun fact, the vomit house is
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: on Ralph Street. Google map it. It's right there next
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: to Brown's inlet the park we're on our way to.
• 18:54
  Speaker 8: I've only been to this park once before, and.
• 18:57
  Speaker 4: That was a weird day.
• 18:59
  Speaker 5: Explain.
• 19:00
  Speaker 8: I started dating this guy and like the first time
• 19:03
  Speaker 8: we ever hung out outside of school was in this park.
• 19:06
  Speaker 8: We were on those swings and I just remember being like, Wow,
• 19:09
  Speaker 8: this is really weird, like this is a date.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: So I guess that was like my first date.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: We find a picnic table beside the playground where young
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: mothers are playing with their babies. Tony and Zoe sit
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: side by side. She fiddling with a strand of hair
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: and he's staring at the table, sweeping pebbles of sand.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: Back and forth. The two of them catch up. It
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: turns out Zoe's taking improv classes and Tony's taken improv
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: classes too.
• 19:34
  Speaker 5: Back and forth. Ah, I'd love to see that. I'd
• 19:36
  Speaker 5: love to see that.
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: You'd like my troop.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: I think you'd like those guys a lot.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: Being both a friend who wants to encourage bonding as
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: well as a lover of show business, I ask if
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: they might improvise a scene or two.
• 19:49
  Speaker 5: This is my favorite bench.
• 19:51
  Speaker 8: It's funny because it's also my favorite bench, and I've
• 19:53
  Speaker 8: actually never seen you sitting here.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: But instead of the comedic romp I'd hoped for, I
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: get a sluggish five minute piece of Samuel Bihetti in theater.
• 20:01
  Speaker 8: So I guess what I'm saying is you'll either have
• 20:04
  Speaker 8: to move to the bench that's beside mine or beside his.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: And scene I thought, like, I'm probaly supposed to be
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: like Funny well because he.
• 20:12
  Speaker 5: Usually his energy. And you're on stage and you're like,
• 20:14
  Speaker 5: you're doing stupid shit and people are laughing, You're not.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Laughing, and in my heart it feels like Christmas morning
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: on Ralph Street. As Tony and Zoe begin to bond.
• 20:24
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, so I'm playing look at it.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: They're having fun, but Tony's still thinking about godfatherhood. Tentatively,
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: he brings it up.
• 20:42
  Speaker 5: I the godfather Traditionally, Well, godfather's supposed to to write
• 20:48
  Speaker 5: spiritual instruction. And I wasn't there when you were really young,
• 20:55
  Speaker 5: when you were told when you were young, this is Tony,
• 20:58
  Speaker 5: he's your godfather. Do you remember that?
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: I always knew that you would.
• 21:04
  Speaker 8: You had this connection to my parents that was really valuable,
• 21:07
  Speaker 8: So by extensionally you'd be valuable to me, even though
• 21:09
  Speaker 8: I didn't know you.
• 21:10
  Speaker 5: That Well, Yeah, what what can I offer you at
• 21:13
  Speaker 5: this point? From this point onward in a formal fashion,
• 21:18
  Speaker 5: I don't know what you hope for me to provide
• 21:21
  Speaker 5: for you? Is like to provide for me.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:23
  Speaker 5: Oh, I mean it's a two way street.
• 21:25
  Speaker 8: I mean I can't just like take so much and
• 21:27
  Speaker 8: not give anything to you.
• 21:28
  Speaker 5: So that's the point, the point, you know, that's the point,
• 21:32
  Speaker 5: is that I'm here for you.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: That is the point with a God child, not so
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: much with a God adult. The children's book is called
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: The Giving Tree, not the Giving and Taking Tree. Children
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: aren't self conscious. They don't find it weird to take
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: without giving anything in return, but adults do. I mean,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: getting to feel like pushing Tony to reconnect with his
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: God children might have been foolhardy. Tony can't just insert
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: himself into a past he missed out on. And as
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: for the future, Zoe's getting ready to go off to college.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: She's at a point in life when actual parents see
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: less and less of their kids, never mind godparents.
• 22:15
  Speaker 5: She was a little bit country and he was a
• 22:16
  Speaker 5: little bit rock and roll. That was a song, I'm
• 22:18
  Speaker 5: a little bit countrys I'm a little bit.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: As Tony sings both parts of Adannie and Marie duet,
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: Zoe watches him with a big smile on her face.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: It's clear they really enjoy each other. And the afternoon
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: goes well, But as far as the god parental relationship
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Tony wants, it feels like it just might be too late.
• 22:41
  Speaker 5: I'm really impressed. I think I've got a pretty fucking
• 22:45
  Speaker 5: firm alled on things well.
• 22:46
  Speaker 8: I mean, if you're ever in dire need for like
• 22:50
  Speaker 8: a caregiver when you're old and can't go to the
• 22:53
  Speaker 8: bathroom or something like, I could help you.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: Only one godchild to go, Will Tony be a godfather
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: or a toilet father? Is the cat still in the cradle?
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: And if so, will he scratch Tony's eyes out when
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: roused from his godfatherless slumber. We'll find out after these
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: important messages from our sponsors. Tony's first godchild, Paul, didn't
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: have the time for a relationship, and his second godchild,
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: Zoe had outgrown the whole godfather goddaughter thing. That left
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: him one last chance, nine year old Nicholas godchild.
• 23:41
  Speaker 5: The third Nicholas godchild number three is Nicholas, the son
• 23:45
  Speaker 5: of my cousin.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: This one is especially challenging for Tony because, unlike with
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: Paul and Zoe, Tony's not the only godparent in the picture.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Tony's ex wife, Natalie was warm and likable. When they
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: started dating. She helped him reconnect with his family so
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: much so though when Nicholas was born, his mom, a
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: cousin Tony wasn't even especially close to, asked them both
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: to be a godparents. Tony and Natalie were together at
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Nicholas's baptism.
• 24:12
  Speaker 5: I was holding him and he was really was He
• 24:16
  Speaker 5: was really upset until I took him, and he was
• 24:20
  Speaker 5: quiet the whole time, And everybody was kind of spooked
• 24:23
  Speaker 5: by the fact that he was suddenly so quiet m
• 24:25
  Speaker 5: hm when I was holding him. So there was this
• 24:28
  Speaker 5: whole kind of energy around, like, oh, why is this
• 24:31
  Speaker 5: power Tony has over Nicholas, or why is he so quiet?
• 24:34
  Speaker 5: And everybody seemed to make a kind of a strange
• 24:37
  Speaker 5: impression on people. And it felt good to sort of
• 24:39
  Speaker 5: be I guess, for whatever reason and nothing to do
• 24:42
  Speaker 5: with me, somehow this kid felt soothed or calmed by me.
• 24:50
  Speaker 5: And we baptized the kid. We had a big party,
• 24:53
  Speaker 5: and then we started. We were there every year, like
• 24:56
  Speaker 5: three or four times a year, which is pretty good.
• 25:00
  Speaker 5: But it was all good, but it was all about
• 25:03
  Speaker 5: being with Natalie.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: Natalie was the initiator. She's the one who planned the Godparents,
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: stuff like trips with Nicholas to the movies in the museum.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Nicholas loved Natalie and related to her and Tony as
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: a unit. So when that unit split up, Tony couldn't
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: bring himself to keep visiting Nicholas and his mom. It
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: reminded him too much of Natalie.
• 25:25
  Speaker 5: I didn't feel like seeing them. I didn't feel like
• 25:28
  Speaker 5: going to her house because I always went there with Natalie.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: But Nicholas's mother continued to reach out. Nicholas really misses you,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: she'd write. Eventually, she suggested they all get together on
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: neutral ground, her sister's house.
• 25:43
  Speaker 5: So we did. We set up a surprise dinner, which
• 25:47
  Speaker 5: was about two months ago, and I went over and
• 25:52
  Speaker 5: they were really happy to see me. But at the
• 25:56
  Speaker 5: same time, I noticed Nicholas's first reaction. He was kind
• 26:01
  Speaker 5: of shocked, and I could see that all this stuff
• 26:05
  Speaker 5: went through his eyes, and then he put on this
• 26:06
  Speaker 5: kind of smiley, happy guy thing. I could read it
• 26:10
  Speaker 5: all in his face right away.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: And you think that was because Natalie wasn't there. Yeah, Yeah,
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Tony's afraid that Nicholas won't want a relationship with him
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: that doesn't include Natalie. Afraid that maybe he's not the
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: godparent that Nicholas wants, But he also doesn't want to
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: repeat the same mistakes, so he screws up his courage
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: and goes back over for dinner, hoping he and Nicholas
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: can connect again. But before Tony gets a chance to
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: sit down, the very first words out of Nicholas's mouth.
• 26:45
  Speaker 5: Naldie, she's She's okay.
• 26:50
  Speaker 9: If he just couldn't get back with her, that would
• 26:52
  Speaker 9: be a relief.
• 26:54
  Speaker 5: Why would that be a relief?
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: I want to see her again, never get.
• 26:59
  Speaker 5: To see her. Yeah, that's true. I only see you,
• 27:08
  Speaker 5: and that's not an you will see her again. Then
• 27:14
  Speaker 5: she says, I because she's in Australia. Actually she's in
• 27:18
  Speaker 5: New Zealand.
• 27:19
  Speaker 9: You don't want to be in the places she is, right, Well,
• 27:22
  Speaker 9: I don't want.
• 27:23
  Speaker 5: To be in New Zealand because it's far away from
• 27:24
  Speaker 5: everything that I do. My mother is here. My mother's
• 27:27
  Speaker 5: an old lady, she's eighty five years old and she
• 27:29
  Speaker 5: needs me. She can't live alone, so I can't go anywhere.
• 27:35
  Speaker 5: So it's finally he doesn't want to be here.
• 27:38
  Speaker 9: It's over for you.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: It's over for you.
• 27:41
  Speaker 9: Out sausage.
• 27:46
  Speaker 5: It looks like that, but you never know. I'm not
• 27:52
  Speaker 5: in love with anybody else.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: They sit down on the couch and Tony faces the
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: thing that's hardest for him to talk about even with adults,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: let alone a child.
• 28:02
  Speaker 5: So are you going to be sad if you don't
• 28:04
  Speaker 5: see her again? A bit? A bit?
• 28:07
  Speaker 9: I can't, just kidding a lot.
• 28:12
  Speaker 5: Is there anything that you want to ask me or
• 28:15
  Speaker 5: about Natalie or anything?
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: Mm hmm.
• 28:19
  Speaker 9: Did a part of did you feel like a part
• 28:22
  Speaker 9: of your heart broke up to pieces?
• 28:26
  Speaker 5: Yeah?
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: You did?
• 28:28
  Speaker 5: Yeah, very much? A lot.
• 28:35
  Speaker 9: Do you miss her a lot?
• 28:37
  Speaker 5: Yeah? I do.
• 28:40
  Speaker 9: Well you should have. You should have said this, come
• 28:45
  Speaker 9: back whenever you come. You could come back whenever you want,
• 28:50
  Speaker 9: or just say or just say sorry or something.
• 28:55
  Speaker 10: Yeah, I did, okay, I said sorry, and so did she.
• 29:03
  Speaker 10: She had things to be sorry about too, And then
• 29:05
  Speaker 10: I said come back for a long time, I said,
• 29:07
  Speaker 10: come back whenever you want. And I think I think
• 29:13
  Speaker 10: she's decided not to. I think she's decided.
• 29:18
  Speaker 9: Maybe it's because Post Canada takes a long time to
• 29:21
  Speaker 9: get a note, really long.
• 29:23
  Speaker 5: No, But I read her on the internet.
• 29:26
  Speaker 9: Oh Internet, Oh that makes more sense, I thought you.
• 29:29
  Speaker 9: Brian from postcreada.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: Tony's putting away his own feelings and focusing on Nicholas's,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: which is a very godfatherly thing to do. And Nicholas,
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: for his part, seems to be straining on his emotional
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: tiptoes to try to reach Tony, and together they meet
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: somewhere in the middle.
• 29:49
  Speaker 5: Do you remember when I, you know, I baptized you, right, yeah,
• 29:53
  Speaker 5: and you were crying, you were really upset. I had
• 29:55
  Speaker 5: to pick you up. When I picked you up, if
• 29:59
  Speaker 5: you went totally quiet, and everybody was like, he's so quiet,
• 30:04
  Speaker 5: and everybody said, you you made him calm, And I thought,
• 30:09
  Speaker 5: that's cool. Maybe that's what godfathers are supposed to do.
• 30:12
  Speaker 5: They're supposed to make people calm and be like everything's okay,
• 30:16
  Speaker 5: don't worry about it, you know. But let me ask
• 30:19
  Speaker 5: you something. Yeah, what kind of godfather do you want.
• 30:25
  Speaker 4: Me to be?
• 30:27
  Speaker 9: I wanted you to be the same thing as you
• 30:29
  Speaker 9: are right now, which is what you're a really good godfather.
• 30:35
  Speaker 5: I am.
• 30:37
  Speaker 9: You're pretty good.
• 30:38
  Speaker 5: Thanks man. I appreciate that. That's very nice.
• 30:42
  Speaker 9: You're really good your godfather.
• 30:47
  Speaker 5: That's awesome, cool man.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: And with that, Tony was a godfather because when your
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: godchild tells you you're a godfather. You're a godfather.
• 31:09
  Speaker 6: Mm hmmm.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: When I talked to Tony a couple of weeks later,
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: he had already seen Nicholas again. They went to visit
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Tony's mom. He says she liked having a kid around
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: to wait on to serve spin a copita.
• 31:31
  Speaker 5: She's laughing at her heart.
• 31:34
  Speaker 9: This is the best day that I ever had.
• 31:39
  Speaker 5: It's only just begun. Now that the first batchers returning
• 32:11
  Speaker 5: to it's goodwill home, Now that the last month's rent
• 32:19
  Speaker 5: is skiming with.
• 32:21
  Speaker 10: The damage to pos take this moment to just.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: S if we met, if we Turke.
• 32:32
  Speaker 10: Felt around for from things.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: Accident recording.
• 32:41
  Speaker 5: Have you wait to update?
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: Jonathan Goldstein Fast Time video.
• 32:53
  Speaker 5: Hey hey, let me just uh let me show you
• 32:55
  Speaker 5: what's happening here.
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: Uh huh.
• 32:57
  Speaker 5: So it's recording on the MacBook MIC. You're getting the
• 32:59
  Speaker 5: MacBook MIC. You're getting the iPhone like six inches from
• 33:04
  Speaker 5: my mouth.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: You know what you're doing. You know what Jackie Cohen
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: would say, huh fuck you? Well what she say she
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: would be like, look at you, you think you need
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: three microphones?
• 33:13
  Speaker 5: Well, you have to say is so important.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Because everyone wants to hear what you have to say.
• 33:17
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, it was always as high by the way,
• 33:20
  Speaker 5: say hi to you so nice. I told her i'd
• 33:22
  Speaker 5: be talking to you. And how is Zoe.
• 33:26
  Speaker 4: Great?
• 33:27
  Speaker 5: I mean, she's you know, she's twenty eight now, oh my,
• 33:30
  Speaker 5: and and she's been dating a nice Greek boy since
• 33:34
  Speaker 5: then more or less. You're kidding, No, I'm not kidding.
• 33:37
  Speaker 5: And he's great, he's awesome. She didn't move far from home.
• 33:40
  Speaker 5: She has like a great job, and I was sure
• 33:44
  Speaker 5: she would move to Montreal like all her friends did
• 33:46
  Speaker 5: and everybody moved to Montreal, but she never did. And
• 33:49
  Speaker 5: I admire that because she's really building a strong foundation
• 33:52
  Speaker 5: and she's very happy.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: That's wonderful. I'm so glad to hear that.
• 33:56
  Speaker 5: And Nicholas is like amazing. I think I've told you.
• 34:00
  Speaker 5: He's a track athlete, like a star athlete. Really yeah,
• 34:04
  Speaker 5: he's graduated in high school. He's yeah, and he's like
• 34:07
  Speaker 5: coaching me now, and he's just turned into a really
• 34:11
  Speaker 5: amazing like resilient, like deals with all kinds of hardship,
• 34:17
  Speaker 5: really maturely like the total opposite of me. Like he like,
• 34:20
  Speaker 5: I don't I don't know, he says, he gets spiritual
• 34:23
  Speaker 5: guidance from me, But I don't know what that would
• 34:24
  Speaker 5: be or if he's just blowing smoke up my ass.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: Old, that's you guys have a special connection.
• 34:29
  Speaker 5: But that that's we do. We laugh a lot, like
• 34:31
  Speaker 5: we have a good relationship. We have a really good time.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: That's so nice. So how are you? I mean, you
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: look well, thanks, so do you?
• 34:40
  Speaker 5: Oh?
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: Well, you don't have to say that, but you do.
• 34:44
  Speaker 5: I mean, basically, I'm okay. I'm a three and three
• 34:47
  Speaker 5: and a half months into the stay here, which is
• 34:51
  Speaker 5: going to be a year.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: Wait a second, So why don't you explain what here is?
• 34:56
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 34:56
  Speaker 5: Of course I have to do that. Here is the
• 35:00
  Speaker 5: Clear Sky Meditation and Study Center. It's like a Buddhist
• 35:03
  Speaker 5: based retreat center in the rocky mountains of Canada, and
• 35:08
  Speaker 5: it's where where I live with twelve other people who
• 35:11
  Speaker 5: are permanent, well long term residents, and I'm trying it
• 35:16
  Speaker 5: out for a year. I'm living in like kind a
• 35:17
  Speaker 5: pseudo monastic situation. And there's deer everywhere and they just
• 35:21
  Speaker 5: stand like ten feet away and like stare at you
• 35:23
  Speaker 5: before they dart off. There's coyotes and like howling like
• 35:28
  Speaker 5: thirty feet from the building at night. It's really beautiful.
• 35:33
  Speaker 5: It's tough. It's tough here, it's tiring, it's not for everybody.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: Could you just explain a little about how you found
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: out about this place.
• 35:43
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I owe this to my former mother in law,
• 35:46
  Speaker 5: Natalie's mom. Actually, just a couple of years into my
• 35:49
  Speaker 5: relationship with Natalie, I was looking for a place to
• 35:51
  Speaker 5: meditate and she picked up a flyer from this place
• 35:55
  Speaker 5: she used to go to yoga and said, this guy
• 35:58
  Speaker 5: is supposed to be good. And then when I showed up,
• 36:01
  Speaker 5: I realized, oh, this is traditional like religious Buddhism. And
• 36:07
  Speaker 5: my first reaction was I I no, I don't want
• 36:10
  Speaker 5: I didn't I came to the wrong place. This is
• 36:12
  Speaker 5: not this is not way. I don't think so, basically.
• 36:17
  Speaker 5: But he was a very down to or a teacher,
• 36:21
  Speaker 5: and he just talked and made a lot of sense
• 36:24
  Speaker 5: to me, and I connected really really quickly with them.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: And so, what what is the path that you're that
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: you're on right now? You're thinking you're staying there for
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: a year, but that is in service to possibly staying
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: there forever.
• 36:37
  Speaker 5: Possibly anything is possible right now, like at this moment
• 36:40
  Speaker 5: in time, anything is possible. I don't know what I'm
• 36:43
  Speaker 5: going to do and you're comfortable, Well not really, but yes. Also,
• 36:49
  Speaker 5: I mean I don't know what choice to I have, Like,
• 36:51
  Speaker 5: I don't want to live in Montreal. When I started
• 36:55
  Speaker 5: taking care of my mom when she got.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: Sick, we should say that. Yeah, in the time since
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: since the episode, your mother has passed away. Yeah, and
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: that sort of both freed you and kind of untethered
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: you from from the city from Montreal.
• 37:17
  Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, So my mom I was diagnosed with
• 37:21
  Speaker 5: dementia right before COVID and it was it was horrifying.
• 37:27
  Speaker 5: The onset was horrifying because you don't know what it means.
• 37:30
  Speaker 5: You don't know what it's going to mean to take
• 37:32
  Speaker 5: care of somebody who's demented. You have the worst I
• 37:34
  Speaker 5: had the worst kind of ideas in my head, but
• 37:37
  Speaker 5: it turned out to be. Yeah, my stint as a parent.
• 37:43
  Speaker 5: You know, the closest I'm ever going to get to
• 37:44
  Speaker 5: being a parent is I think it's taking care of
• 37:47
  Speaker 5: my mom for a few years while she was unable
• 37:50
  Speaker 5: to take care of herself. And it also brought my
• 37:57
  Speaker 5: relationship with her to a very paradoxically very good clothes
• 38:03
  Speaker 5: because we got so close, and also because there was
• 38:05
  Speaker 5: this cognitive opening where she wouldn't recognized me a lot
• 38:09
  Speaker 5: of the time, and so we were like strangers, so
• 38:12
  Speaker 5: there was a different quality to our interactions. It was
• 38:15
  Speaker 5: a like a freshness or a kind of openness at times,
• 38:19
  Speaker 5: which was really amazing.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: That's a nice way to see it.
• 38:21
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, I drew a lot of strike from that.
• 38:27
  Speaker 5: It was just a freedom. And by the end, I mean,
• 38:34
  Speaker 5: it's weird taking care of somebody who's going to die
• 38:36
  Speaker 5: as opposed to growing up to be, you know, an
• 38:38
  Speaker 5: adult does kind of go to school and have a
• 38:40
  Speaker 5: whole life. It's weird. There's a strangeness to that. But
• 38:47
  Speaker 5: in a way, I feel like I growed up, like
• 38:50
  Speaker 5: I became. I finally became an adult. But I don't
• 38:56
  Speaker 5: know what I'm going to do in the long term,
• 39:00
  Speaker 5: because it's I'm still adjusting just to being like a
• 39:04
  Speaker 5: middle aged person and what that means, Like I'm not
• 39:05
  Speaker 5: even sure. Like I think I'm starting to realize what
• 39:07
  Speaker 5: that means. Now, what does that mean to you? What
• 39:12
  Speaker 5: does it mean to me? It means the time is
• 39:14
  Speaker 5: running out, Like really, like I'm really starting to get
• 39:17
  Speaker 5: a sense of like you're you're on the downslope, like
• 39:20
  Speaker 5: things pick up speed as opposed to Oh God, life
• 39:23
  Speaker 5: is so hard because you're going up, but you're still
• 39:26
  Speaker 5: on the upslope right now. It's like no things are
• 39:27
  Speaker 5: getting work, things are My body is is. There's a
• 39:32
  Speaker 5: lot of body issues in the last couple of years.
• 39:34
  Speaker 5: But then in the bigger picture is like where do
• 39:36
  Speaker 5: I want to live? Who do I want to be near,
• 39:38
  Speaker 5: what do I want to do? These questions are all
• 39:40
  Speaker 5: floating up in the air because I've walked away from
• 39:43
  Speaker 5: any kind of you know, structure. I don't have a family.
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: I don't have I keep coming back to that I
• 39:49
  Speaker 5: don't have Like my my oldest and dearest friends are
• 39:56
  Speaker 5: scattered all over the place. They're not going to live
• 39:58
  Speaker 5: with me. You know, you guys aren't going to be,
• 40:01
  Speaker 5: you know, coming up the street with meatball sandwiches. When
• 40:03
  Speaker 5: I'm demented, Howard might Howard might be you know, he'll
• 40:09
  Speaker 5: be demented first. I don't know. I don't know, God forbid.
• 40:12
  Speaker 5: So it's like and it's not like, oh, I'm setting
• 40:15
  Speaker 5: up a nice little hospice for myself so that I,
• 40:17
  Speaker 5: you know, I have nice people to take care of
• 40:18
  Speaker 5: me like, I don't, I don't care what happens. Throw
• 40:21
  Speaker 5: me off a cliff, fill me with some yogurt. No,
• 40:25
  Speaker 5: I mean you called Jackie.
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: You want all the regular things. It's it's just you're
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: taking a rather unconventional route to get to those things.
• 40:37
  Speaker 5: Yeah. I think it has to do with with knowing
• 40:44
  Speaker 5: what you're gonna do, right, So, like if you're not
• 40:48
  Speaker 5: sure that there's a container for for you in life,
• 40:53
  Speaker 5: like whether there's a job or it's a family, or
• 40:56
  Speaker 5: like a very particular career track which is very involving,
• 40:59
  Speaker 5: which has steps which you can follow, Like you're kind
• 41:03
  Speaker 5: of free floating, You're you're you're in free fall, and
• 41:06
  Speaker 5: now it's like kindergarten all over again, like what next?
• 41:09
  Speaker 5: What's next? And like where's my money? Like I'm like,
• 41:12
  Speaker 5: what the fuck am I doing? What am I doing here?
• 41:14
  Speaker 5: Like not knowing? Really not knowing?
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: But is that exciting also at all?
• 41:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 41:20
  Speaker 5: It is, It's very exciting. That's good.
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: Yea, Tony, I'm so sorry. I don't have to run off.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm looking at the time. I could talk to
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: you all night, but I'm supposed to take Augie. He's
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: got a basketball game.
• 41:34
  Speaker 5: Give my love to AUGI and Emily and and tell
• 41:37
  Speaker 5: him I say hi and we'll.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: Talk so him, I will, I will Man good to
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: see you. Okay, you be well.
• 41:42
  Speaker 5: Okay bye for now, bye bye.
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: Thanks to everyone who helped put the episode together, and
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: we'll be back once again with another exciting update in
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: two weeks. Also, we're starting a free newsletter. I know
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: what you're thinking. You're thinking finally, Yes, that's right, not
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: just audio, but now in the form of news and
• 42:12
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• 42:15
  Speaker 1: maybe you'll even hear from a producer or to Khalila Holt.
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you probably will.
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: We'll let you know when new episodes are coming out,
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: and we'll send out some other fun stuff as well,
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: like word puzzles.
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: I'll be you're not going to puzzles, well.
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: We don't know yet. We might make crossord puzzles, word jumbles.
• 42:37
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• 42:40
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• 42:43
  Speaker 1: Heavyweight