Latest / Jess Ask / Therapy Looks Like: Unveiling the Bravery of the Therapeutic Journey | FT Latrice S. Dailey | EP53

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Therapy Looks Like: Unveiling the Bravery of the Therapeutic Journey | FT Latrice S. Dailey | EP53 · Jess Ask

0:07
Yo, it's your girl, Jessica Smith, and you already know that you've
0:10
entered the safe space for influencers to decompress, have fun and just ask God
0:17
for another Do you already know what it is? And then you know it's
0:20
about to get real, So be sure to show your girl the love and
0:25
like coming God for another day? Hey, hey, I know we could
0:33
be another way. Man, Oh the blood girl just look like do I
0:43
look like a whole in the church? Mike? Listen, y'all, welcome
0:47
back to another episode of just As the podcast where we create a safe space
0:51
for influencers to decompress, have fun and just as it's your girl, Jessica
0:56
at Smith and I am appreciative for to day. Okay, I thank God
1:02
that it's another day. Why because today it's day. It's the first day
1:07
that we are acknowledging this month of May. May. Okay, it's here.
1:11
What is May? What is made? What is made? Deesil?
1:14
Ray? What them folks can't hear you? They hurt me? It's mental
1:21
health where it is? Okay, she mad because I didn't do her theme
1:23
song? Okay, that's al ray delight. You see how folks bell just
1:34
just ball I mean, can somebody give her some act, right man,
1:40
some act and the right Okay, deesil, ray, we we got something.
1:44
We got some chocolate dropping came in, drop drop. They ain't McDonald's.
1:57
My grind to day, y'all. I put a post out asking for
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people's favorite mental health professional, and this young lady came up multiple time,
2:14
multiple times. Listen the gag. Yea is she be on the TV.
2:19
She'd be doing new you know all the you know I did, had to
2:22
do my little research or whatever. You know what I'm saying. I'm like,
2:24
she'll a little famous, she'll live, She'll little famous out on these
2:28
streets. You know what I'm saying. She's doing a little doctor and stuff
2:30
and helping folks with their little problems and stuff. I mean, she doing
2:35
the dog one thing we have no none other than the beautiful and blessed and
2:40
intelligent laterce daily, y'all give it up. We ain't got no real like
2:49
the sound, so we just do. It's really genuine. Yes, how
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are you? I'm doing great. I'm honored to be here. Just I'm
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honored to be here. I'm undered that people think I'm a good therapist.
3:01
I'm hondered at my name. I mean, I'm like mine is blown.
3:06
You cute? You a cutute, cute, good therapist obviously, because it's
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the it's the sway for me, y'all. She's tall. She my sister
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would love it. She she tall. She you know like South. Okay,
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she looks like the South. I love it. I'm gonna have a
3:24
cramp in my cheeks, so if y'all see me holding if I get a
3:30
cramps in my job, so I can tell that that's gonna happen today,
3:34
because I feel like this is about to be fun, but it's so necessary
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that you're here. So I want to say thank you for accepting the invitation
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and just coming in. So I just want to because I normally I introduced
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it, but you know, I'm not in the profession, and I don't
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want to say anything wrong. And so we know that you're a therapist.
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When people say, oh, I need a therapist on mental health is a
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word is money woo woop. There's a lot that when people start researching uh
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therapy and who they need to look at. It's this list if you go,
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I don't know what that website is psychology today and they do this list
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of what therapists are are good at and they have the different therapy that they
4:12
offer. What does that look like for your practice as opposed to like what
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I actually specialize in. Yeah, all right, So I specialize in helping
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women between the ages of eighteen and fifty. I'm really big with family therapy
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as well as couple therapy. Couple therapy is something that's new, but it's
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also something that I'm passionate about because I get to see how we can even
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if we don't if we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we've seen dysfunctional
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relationships, we will repeat those dynamics subconsciously within our marriage if we don't have
4:46
a good idea of like what we actually want and what we're willing to do
4:49
to produce right the change that we want in our households. So I specialize
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in treating women from eighteen to fifty, couples and family therapy. Family therapy
5:00
is a beautiful thing, like I am. I'm learning that right now,
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and I think that people have to have a specific annointy for it because there's
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a lot of there's a lot of personality that comes with that. Why why
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is that needed? Why is family therapy needed? What did you say?
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I think family therapy is needed. You know, so we in our culture,
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most of us, grew up in this idea that what stays in our
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household was said in our household stays in our household. And sometime when the
5:35
household is sick, we're as sick as that household because no one ever spoke
5:41
up, no one ever addressed that Paul Paul was touching cousin. And sometimes
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when that goes unaddressed, that impact us showing up as a whole adult.
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It impacts also how we birth the next generation. Right impacts us also how
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we come into relationship. Unresolved trauma impacts every interaction that it comes in contact
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with. That's so good. And so what my mind goes to when I
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think about the family, and we think about the people that are affected excuse
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me the girl, it's a little warm help, but that are affected by
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it. I can't help what to think about our more our low income areas,
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because when you think people think about therapy, sometimes they put the they
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match the costs with that, right, And so it's like I'm I'm on
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a my wits end with my family because I want to say wits in.
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But like I'm a single mother raising my family, or I'm a single father
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raising my family. I can't afford these these opportunities to do this therapy that
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you're talking about. So what would you be your response to them? So,
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if you have a job, possibly you have benefits at your job like
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EAP right, But some low income families, if you have Medicaid, then
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also your kid can get resources in counseling through Medicaid. There is this resource
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called Loveland right. Loveland also pays for certain people, women and children to
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actually get therapy. The other thing is that most good integral practices have a
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hardship rate. Right, so nine times out of ten if you see this
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big if you do a consultation, most times most therapists have a hardship rate
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that's probably half the price of that original rate, but they just don't advertise
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it. So people just have to ask that that's good information, that that
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is good information, because I know a lot of people won't go because they'll
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see that and they go ahead and wave it off because the presentation of the
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thing. So I love how we're getting to the family therapy. How did
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you how did you even get into a you to that type of theory because
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I know there's a lot of different avenues that you can go with it.
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So I did my internship. I did my internship at Hill Chris up until
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I worked at Hill Chris. Now some of these folks on that from Burnham,
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So you got to explain what he'll Chris. Hillcrest is in Irondale at
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the bottom of the hill right right before you get to Central Plaza, you
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turn off on a portal that is where Hill Chris is and it's a place
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for kids with behavioral issues. Right also kids that's probably displaced from their home
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due to behavioral health issues or mental health issues. Did my internship there at
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the time. Also, I was working at Brookwood Hospital on the site board.
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The one thing that I would see there is how a diagnosis of schizophrenia
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bipolar would literally split the household dynamics. So if it was two people a
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parent and a father and a mother you know, caring for or a schizophratic
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child, nine times out of ten, what I would be seeing or encountering
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is that they're going through divorce. Right, the family is in dysfunction because
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everything kind of revolves around the kid with the mental health issues. Right.
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So I realized then that families needed to be need to have psycho education,
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they also needed mental health to support to support the client. Right. If
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not, this broke down the family dynamics, Right, this brought strife or
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chaos into the family dynamics. So that's kind of where my passion came in
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from. I also would say that working at Hillcres doing my internship gave me
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a different view of trauma. I think even for myself, I did not
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think I had any trauma as a kid. And I'm like, I'm smiling
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because when people say that to me, I just like, okay, you
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know. They come in like, I don't think, you know, I
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had a pretty normal, decent life. I'm like, that's a red flag,
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right. But I think that working at Hillcrest, I got to see
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people with different types of trauma and also how it impacted the family dynamic and
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also how this sickness literally continue unaddressed. Not just you can't just treat the
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person with the mental health issue or the trauma. You need to also treat
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support and give psycho educational to the family so that this does not continue.
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What you're saying is so real and I've I've experienced it on a level,
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but not not as far as like the child, right, And so I
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really feel like that there's a lack of education. So okay, let me
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because I'm really I really could get past I'm trying to calm myself down right
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now because you're talking in the lane. The lane because it's become it can
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become so disheartening because of the lack of communication and the lack of education.
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And the communication part is the whole aspect of of the psychodyna think you said
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psychodynamic or I'm trying to the cycle the psycho. If you put psycho in
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front of the word, it's not a little smart Okay, get it.
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Listen, the psycho education of you know, what's needed as even as far
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as if if a parent is in that situation and the child, like,
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how do I support my parent in that situation? And so I really this
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is the so if I'm ignorant, educate me, right. I really feel
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like there is a lack of that support for people that deal with family members
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and such, and that people have to go through not even just mental mental
11:54
anguish, but even financial because they're not them they're not themselves at that point.
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And so what I'm what I'm seeing is there's a disconnect because of the
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language that we choose to use like oh she crazy, like oh she crazy
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or he crazy, or they ain't in the right man, They couldn't,
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they couldn't kind of down dollar if it was in front of them, Like
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you know what I'm saying, that's using language like that. So how do
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you teach let's say we were talking or by that you were teaching me,
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like how I could manage that properly? Or that my language better or my
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education better. What would be some things that you would teach me on managing
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that process? All right? So then the first thing I think about,
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and one thing that perpetuates stigma and people not getting help is those labels that
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you said, oh you know, she just she just crazy, she ain't
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never been right. We just let her sit over there. Judgment, right,
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So I tell you to trade judgment for self compassion. Instead of coming
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from this place of knowing what is normal and then judging what is abnormal.
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I tell you to be curious. I tell you to be curious because all
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behavior is communicating a need. I learned that at Glenwood. I was thinking
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this on the way over here. My most impactful job that helped me as
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a therapist was working at Glenwood when I worked with kids that could not speak,
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that had inappropriate behavior. So, yeah, they might try to hit
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me over the head or throw something at me, but I couldn't focus on
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the behavior that was abnormal. I had to look beyond that to see the
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need and see what they were trying to communicat and beyond the inappropriate behavior.
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But I can't also do that if I am being judgmental. So I have
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to be curious even though it looks different from what I might do. And
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I also have to practice self compassion because self judgment just caused more defensive and
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resistance. Right. So if I'm self compassionate and I'm curious that I'm asking
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questions about why they're coming from the place that they're coming, why they can't
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count those things, why they sit off to the side. If I get
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into their world, then I can also lead them to this side over here,
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and it will be open to the process, y'all. When she said
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she said, I can't even remember the words, but I just rememalized.
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I felt my legs just went tingling like, I just I feel I felt
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that. So that was so good. That's why you a therapy therapist.
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You are therapists, okay, real therapist. I think we use a lot
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of shame, you know. I think we use a lot of shame.
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We reject what is not normal to us. We reject what we don't understand.
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We also judge what does not give. You don't know how to put
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language, and so one of the things that I think this is a good
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segue to ask this because I did a little research on you, right,
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y'all know, I bear so you did. You You're very fluent with your
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words, okay you you you got a vocabulary and the way you put them
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together is just beautiful. You said on one of these interviews you did,
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you brought up the word intellectual, Uh, not delusion, but dialect or
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intellectual? Am I saying it right? Intellectual dialogue? Dialogue? Dialogue not
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dialect? I don't know what No dialect is intellectual dialogue? And so what
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is the connection with the what we just spoke about, as far as like
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the shame and the reason why we don't I guess meet people where they are.
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That's it. I'm like, because if my client is speaking apples and
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oranges. I cannot be speaking counterlote and watermelon to them and also judging because
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they're not coming up to this level. Right. I need to be curious
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about why we're using apples and oranges. I need to be curious about their
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world and what apples and orange just means in their world, as opposed to
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being stuck in my world and deeming what they say or do to be abnormal
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because they're not speaking watermelons and cataloges. Right. Experience, you know,
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experience, perspective, perception, all it's different for all of us and our
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perceptions, our perspectives, how we do things. It was formed from our
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experiences, right, And if we have different experiences, were going to have
16:32
different perspections, perspectives, perceptions. And so I think in counseling, you
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are always meeting the client where it is right. Shame, discipline and self
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judgment is a fearful thing, right, we feel more empowered. I think
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we resort to judgment when we cannot reason. I think that's a defense mechanism,
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right. I think I'm using shame when I believe that this child's or
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family member's behavior is saying something about me, that's confronting an insecurity in me.
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That confrontation now puts me on the defense. So now I judge and
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I use shame discipline on this child, which exaggerates the problem this is.
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So I think I'm just all right now, I'm just taking this in because
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that it's almost like I can see it in the like an equation like since
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this, that's therefore this was the reaction of this. And if we would
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really do some self reflection or you know, you call it intellectual dialogue,
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I call it self dialogue. That's the easy version, y'all. Y'all can
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just y'all, it's just my god. But if you do that self in
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common. But that's another reason why therapy is so important, right because so
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if I'm coming to I know you do family therapy, couples therapy, and
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you focus on women. So I'm a woman, I am absolutely if you
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I'm like God. But let so, So, first of all, I
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think, for one, there's a fear that's attached to therapy. Why do
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you think that is? I think we think that therapy is only for if
18:33
you have a problem, if you have something going on. I think that
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we think that therapy means that you're crazy. I think therapy is the best
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investment that you can do. It's also the most courageous thing you can do.
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When we talked about family and we changing generational patterns, the best thing
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you can do to start that journey to impact your environment is being therapy.
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So you can no longer respond like that environment, so you can now influence
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that environment so that that family environment does not influence you. I think therapy
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can also be scary because it requires awareness, acknowledgment, and action. We
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think we just get to action and change, but it's a process. It
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happens in small increments. So if you're coming to therapy, you have an
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awareness, right that you want to get better. That is, things that
19:25
you want to improve, Right, It's a pattern of self discovery as well.
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Right, it's probably sometimes some confrontation into some hitting areas that you have
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not wanted to address, that you have also repressed or sub pressed. Right
19:40
in this land dormant and we're gonna snatch the covers off of that, not
19:44
fast but slowly. And how scary is it to confront some things in ourselves,
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right that have caused us to self sabotage, that has caused us to
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not live up to our full self actualization. Like therapy is a mirror.
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Yeah, in the world, I get to say, oh, you know,
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such and such did this and they made me do this, But in
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therapy, it's a mirror you get to look at you. We like to
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we like to play victim. We really do. We like and I think
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I think the hard part about not playing victim because I'm One of the things
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I brought up even on podcast, I was surprised I even brought this situation
20:29
up, was that I was in an abusive relationship. Like I said about
20:30
the abusive relationship, and for a long time, you know, I was
20:34
like, he did this, he did this, And actually therapy helped me
20:40
get out of that relationship, out of that relationship because I couldn't really see
20:42
that I was in abusive relationship while I was in there, and then but
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when I was out, I'm so grateful that I was on a healing journey
20:52
with God, Like I was just really on a healing journey with God to
20:55
where to where I was able to be like, but something was not oky
21:00
was not healed, and he acted like you said, every behavior has a
21:07
reason for like a root for it. So I'm not looking at the behavior.
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I'm looking at like what needs to change here and eventually, Like I'm
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one of the ones that have experienced an apology, like a genuine, sincere
21:17
apology from the abuser. But I can't say that for everybody, because everybody
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has their own option to heal, Right, and so I love So I'm
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a woman and I'm trying to figure out, Okay, I'm hearing this therapy
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thing. I'm hearing hearing this doctor Dela. I'm coming to you, like
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what do I expect from you? Like because some of some people have an
21:40
idea of you gonna fix me. Oh God, incorrect, that is a
21:45
myth. I'm not gonna fix you. And I think I also try to
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lead my clients away from this idea that they're broken and it's something to fix.
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I usually lean towards if you think you have a problem, you also
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have the solution and it's in you and we're going to get it out.
22:03
I kind of lean towards that, right, And I heard you say this
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kind of I'm a backtrack a little bit about playing victim. I don't know
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if we play victim. Apostle Howell said something about the seat that we sit
22:15
in. The seat that we sit in also determines perspective, right, and
22:19
the perception of what we're seeing, what we're experiencing. I think we can
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retell our stories and as we heal, I kind of get to change my
22:30
seat from victim to victoria, right, And I think walking through this stage
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of awareness right and then acknowledgements and then accountability, right, Because if I
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had some accountability, I also know that it's some certain things that were in
22:47
me that perpetuated this victim mindset. It was also some enter And I'm like,
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that's the empowering plot twist, where now this story doesn't happen to me,
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I happen to it, and now God gets to change the narrative.
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Now I get to change my seat, and I get to sit in the
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seat of victor, not just victim victim. Also, you know, in
23:10
the victim seat is no action or accountability needed. But I also try to
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empower my clients to know that the moment that you can come into this idea
23:18
of accountability is the same place empower you have to change the story. Because
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as long as I keep saying this everyone else, then this can continue to
23:30
happen to me. The moment I take accountability, I now can recreate a
23:33
new narrative that's so good. That's so good. So basically, accountability gives
23:38
you power. Accountability gives us power. Good relationships require that. Pastors said
23:47
that. Apostle said that good relationships required that a certain level of counseling is
23:51
accountability. I will be empathetic with you. I am very compassionate. I'm
23:56
encouraged by nature. God told me that that's why I got called to encourage.
24:02
She said you. I asked God, what are you know? God?
24:04
What am I to do? Because I was a nursing major up until
24:07
my junior year, kept feeling called to psychology. Told my mam, I
24:11
want to be I want to be a psychologist. She was like, well,
24:15
they don't make any money. I also told God that I'm like,
24:18
God, don't make any money. And God was like, no, you
24:19
called to encourage. And I was like, okay, but what is that?
24:25
And I didn't have a full vision. I just had that. But
24:27
I'm like, I also have to hold my clients accountable because that's what a
24:33
true power is. In the accountability, then lets them take action. But
24:37
as long as I'm in this awareness and acknowledgment. I can coast. I
24:41
can coast, but I can't get to action until I first get to accountability.
24:47
That's so good. One of the things that I Okay, I'm trying
24:52
to be obedient right now. So we kind of talked a little bit before
24:56
we started recording, and we see, uh, you reminded me that you
25:00
were in through family therapy, and I was like, well, for people
25:04
that are called to family therapy, something happened for you can't. Can we
25:11
talk about that? Sure again? Working at Hill Chris, I was working
25:18
at Hill Chris. This is when I identified I had some trauma. So
25:22
my mentor, the guy that was supervising my internship, mister Jooon Wells,
25:29
he sat me down because he had a vital impact. I'm like that man,
25:36
uhsould just be saying stuff, doing stuff and it was one d out
25:38
the next. But it was so much confrontation three years after leaving him,
25:45
the things that he was saying and the things that he was doing. And
25:48
so he sat me down and we did an HTP test. I've heard of
25:52
that before. The HTP test. It's like where you draw a house,
25:57
you draw a tree and you draw a person. Most psychologists do it,
26:03
and then it's interpretations that you make based upon the things that you draw on
26:08
this test. Right, So I remember, and I always I mean,
26:12
I thought it was just artistic. But in my tree, I drew a
26:15
tree, and my tree had a little dark circle in it, right,
26:21
And I showed it to mister Jerome. He was there, and he was
26:25
like, we ain't gonna talk about it today, young lady. When you
26:27
can come in earlier, then we're gonna interpret your test. So I come
26:30
in early one day, we talk about my test and then he says,
26:33
you know, you had some type of trauma happened probably between the ages of
26:40
nine and thirteen. I'm gonna say this off a tree, off a tree.
26:44
Yeah, And when he said that, I'm like, you know,
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I can't really think of anything. I had a normal childhood, all right.
26:52
So then full circle. I was going to church on Sundays at my
26:57
old home church, and I was having anxiety. I would have so much
27:03
anxiety literally when church, and I ain't talk to people after church. Didn't
27:08
know why I couldn't do it. I would just feel so anxious sometimes that
27:14
I would leave church early, and then going thinking about nine to thirteen when
27:21
I was heavier. I'll tell I tell people today, I never knew I
27:22
was six too. No one told me I was six to Everybody just said
27:26
I was big because I was overweight. I was bigger than most of my
27:30
siblings. And Sundays was a traumatic day for me. Sundays was so traumatic.
27:37
Y'all remember the church socks that you can get from the girls traumatic trauma.
27:47
All right, so I'm six too. I don't know what size you
27:49
I wear. I was size twelve now, but I just remember those little
27:52
church socks did not oh girl, they just you know, I pulled them
28:07
not to cover the ankle. This they just covered. They have a room
28:11
to flip because they didn't get a woman of God on the right side.
28:18
They were supposed to give you the right side sock. So the trauma was
28:22
like every Sunday I was picked on, you know, by my older cousins.
28:27
I also would go to my aunt's house. Now, mind y'all,
28:30
this same cousin that picked on me, which now I can therapeanize and you
28:37
know theory, but he used to pick on me every Sunday. I mean
28:41
I would go to his house. I used to sit in the hot Toyota
28:45
Camra was brown and my mama co and refused to go into my aunt house
28:48
because I knew, I'm like, my cousin's gonna pick on me. Nobody
28:51
stopped him. This is how I got this shame, right, My my
28:56
or dealt with shame right, I would not go to char which I would
29:00
have so much anxiety. And then that happened. From the ages that I
29:03
was from nine to thirteen, every Sunday getting dressed was like I don't know
29:10
I was. It was not like the typical girl, like I'm ready to
29:12
get dressed. I'm like, I just hope my you know, my dress
29:15
fit, so my mom don't have attitude or lord, let these socks come
29:23
up, right, because then I gotta walk out of side of church and
29:26
I gotta hear you know, Marlin or Elvin make counts, you know,
29:33
make comments about how I look or you know, those socks too short,
29:40
and I mean about my weight, about my size right, And so at
29:45
that point was when I knew I had trauma. I also knew the importance
29:48
of if I was gonna be a good therapy, therapists also needed to be
29:52
in therapy. So At that point I started doing EMDR therapy playfork se That's
30:00
what I meant with that psychle today list. They do all that and people
30:04
and MDR is where they do bilteral stimulation on both sides of your brain and
30:11
basically you do reprocessing of traumatic memories. Right. You can do it with
30:15
tapping, or you can also do it by following the ball, which our
30:21
movement. But the first part of it is just resourcing, right, because
30:23
once you uproot trauma, I mean, you're gonna feel it in your body.
30:26
Y'all know the book The Body Keeps the Score, another great book on
30:32
trauma. I remember I started working on this, my anxiety was like at
30:36
all time high. I didn't go around my friends. I literally was just
30:41
going to work to my internship and then being to myself into my therapy sition
30:45
because this was uprooting a lot of lies that I believe, right, even
30:51
it was kind of redoing my self perception because my self perception was still stuck
30:56
in that girl that was from none it's from nine to thirteen, right who
31:02
Even though I was not that size, I still saw myself of that set
31:06
size. I also felt like I was struggling to advocate for myself because most
31:10
times I would be silent. This also, you know, brought up a
31:15
part in me that I realized that I didn't like crime because crime was not
31:19
Crying was like a defense. I could not let people know, you know,
31:25
that they hurt me. And so a lot of crime because nine to
31:29
thirteen year old me, my inner child, she needed to cry. She
31:33
needed to know that it's okay to cry and that vulnerability is friend right,
31:37
and she also need to undo lies. So family trauma started with me,
31:44
or what I've dealt with in my family. It's like shame, discipline,
31:47
yeah, shame, criticism, judgment really focused on the problem deep rooted insecurity,
31:56
low self esteem. I remember being in my grandmother's funeral and my cousin
32:01
the same one that picked on me. He tells the story about you know,
32:07
him being picked on because he was dark skinned, and I'm like that
32:13
now hit me in a way where I can have compassion and no longer judgment
32:17
because I'm like, well, honestly, he was just doing to me what
32:21
was mimic to him. Yep, And I'm like the parts of me because
32:24
I'm like, y'all, my cousin has a daughter everybody says I look just
32:29
like his daughter. What So I'm like, now, whatever he was picking
32:32
apart on and me was only the insecurities that he had with himself. I
32:37
confronted that. I exposed that him seeing me, encountering me also allowed him
32:44
to now reciprocate what was done to him. Right, And so one thing
32:51
I'm an advocate for my siblings to tell you, you shame not gonna work.
32:57
You're not gonna do it to my niece, You're not gonna do it
32:59
to my nephew. If your words don't uplift at If I speak life,
33:05
no nonsense, even at school, I'm not aunty that is at the school,
33:10
anything happened. Like if y'all need a therapist to come and talk to
33:15
this family because they're bullying my niece or nephew, let's talk because I can
33:19
guarantee you it's not about this child. This bullying is what's going on over
33:22
here. So I guess that was when of like my passion came, because
33:29
that was something that took a long time to overcome and really impacted my first
33:36
I would say, from twenty one to twenty seven, twenty one to twenty
33:40
seven, So twenty one to twenty seven was the journey of you getting to
33:45
where you are now because you're talking to yourself in the mirror while you're watching
33:47
your face. Right, how you know? I told y'all did my research.
33:53
Now we are you know? I your words, My words mean a
33:59
lot to me me right, it was so important. No no hold up,
34:05
no nope, no listen, grab that wrap that woo out delight what
34:10
she just said to complease please come on. Oh, my words mean a
34:15
lot to me. I'm like, it was so important for me to really
34:20
change my inner dialogue. It was a time that from twenty one to twenty
34:23
seven that all I heard was my cousin. All I heard was the people
34:30
that I encountered on Sunday, and it was a negative dialogue. And I
34:34
needed to retrain in the line of what to who God says I am.
34:37
And I needed to speak to myself and be a positive cheerleader. Right.
34:43
I needed to speak to myself to uplift and edify right. And I think
34:47
that also taught me I cannot I needed to be intentional about what I exposed
34:52
myself to. Because we're always in a place where either we are influencing or
34:57
we're being influenced and I ref us downright, my family will tell you it's
35:02
gonna be no negative vibes around me. So when did you get fed up
35:07
with not believing your your words over the other? Like, what was your
35:10
fed up point? Because I know we women, we gotta fed When we
35:14
get fed on, we change it. Let's see when was my fed up
35:17
point? I think I just kept having confrontation where I was realizing that the
35:22
narrative that was going on in my head and the perceptions that I had on
35:29
myself did not match my current reality. It was also causing me to sabotage
35:32
a lot of things because I'm dealing with survival and it's no those things that
35:38
I did to survive from ages nine to thirteen was not needed twenty one to
35:44
twenty seven. I am, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna
35:49
give a pool pick because she over here preaching like you you you got away
35:55
with words like y'all know the funny thing about that, It's like I took
36:00
an occupational We used to have to do the occupational assessment right in Like fourth
36:06
grade took occupational assessment on it was counselor psychologists. Okay, I never even
36:12
thought about this, and I remember reading the requirements the schooling and it was
36:19
like broad vocabulary. I was like, ah, I ain't really got that
36:23
literally but broad. My sister was like, cis I don't even you know,
36:30
you can say some stuff. And I'm like, I'm like, uh
36:31
huh, but I really have to go and look it up and see and
36:36
make sure, like, oh, that's what she was saying. But I
36:39
think that's also the Holy Spirit. Let's go my work. I cannot do
36:45
this job. The most impactful part of my job is leaning on the Holy
36:52
Spirit. It's not what I've been taught in school. It's leaning on the
36:57
Holy Spirit to see what I don't to you, what's not being said,
37:01
to poking places where the client is trying to hide, and to glorify the
37:07
Holy Spirit. It ain't enough books for that. It's a constant surrendering to
37:14
my intellect, my schooling to let the Holy Spirit do its work. I'm
37:21
not to say something because because you do have to listen, you do have
37:25
to go to school to be a counselor. Y'all can't be popping up and
37:29
saying, oh, well, I got holy spirits they can't, so let's
37:35
start with it. However, after you've gone with the process, right,
37:40
the counselors that do like it seems like they're book heavy, Right, what
37:47
do you like? And people experience that level of that, like that counselor
37:52
like what, how do you navigate someone like picking the right therapist for you?
37:59
That's why I guess I'm trying to say, how do you pick a
38:00
person? Navigate picking the right therapist for you? Because if I think some
38:05
people son could have therapy burnout of going to different therapists, going to present
38:09
themselves over and over again to be don't getting nowhere. I think, don't
38:15
just leave your therapist because she or he is not good. I think therapy
38:20
is a relationship, and it's a collaborative relationship that's so good. I tell
38:23
my clients that they can hold me accountable. I tell my clients that they
38:29
can tell me if something was hey, you went to left there, or
38:35
they were offended. I needed to be as transparent as possible, right,
38:39
And I also let them know that I'm not coming from a place of an
38:43
expert, right, that they're the expert in this dynamic, right, And
38:47
I get to flow with them I think finding a good therapist consultation. Right,
38:57
consultation I always say what wherever you are seeking to work on? Right,
39:02
or I would say look at the top three things and make sure that
39:07
matches with your therapist. Right. I think also theoretical orientation. Right,
39:14
I mean, I feel like I'm a clinical counselor, but I'm also a
39:17
spiritual counselor where I can meet any person where they are spiritually. I am
39:22
still a spiritual counselor. Right, I'm still gonna be leing on the Holy
39:25
Spirit no better, but you come in there with and your beliefs. And
39:30
I think also just knowing that it's a place where you can be transparent.
39:34
A lot of places times in therapy, you know, if you're not saying,
39:38
if you're placating and you're getting to the point where you are now appeasing
39:42
your therapists and not saying certain things, that not something something has went wrong,
39:49
Because it should always be a place where you feel that you can be
39:52
transparent, that you can hold your therapists accountable, and that you can have
39:58
your say good or bad. So this is good. So what the question
40:01
I think is coming up for me is as a client am I allowed to
40:07
like? How am I allowed to interview you to? But because I'm paying
40:12
you, like in my matters as a client, I'm paying you to interview
40:15
to see if you if you a good fit or whatever? What questions do
40:19
I need to ask? Or what does that dialogue look like? I would
40:22
always ask about what they specialize in. If you're a trauma therapist, I
40:29
would ask if they are EMD are certified, because that's the most effective thing
40:34
right now for trauma. If it's a child, then trauma focused CBT,
40:37
so I would ask, like what their interventions are, right, I would
40:43
ask like do they do brief therapy or if they have family systems? Right?
40:49
I would also just ask about their personality. How do you are you
40:53
okay with confrontation? I always ask my clients to if they're okay with confrontation?
40:57
How do you feel about confrontation? How do you usually respond? Because
41:00
confrontation is going to happen in therapy? Right? And I realized that some
41:04
of us too, and so going back to a therapists being bad or good
41:07
or people haven't been burnt out with it. A certain part of addressing any
41:12
problem will require confrontation, and I think that sometimes if we have negative views
41:17
about confrontation, we're going to shy away from it. But confrontation for me,
41:22
even in therapy and even in relationship, I'm like, I'm gain because
41:27
I get to learn a new information here in confrontation is going to let me
41:31
know something that I did not know, and it's going to highly impact that
41:37
dynamic relationally or even in therapy. What because confrontation is looked at as like
41:44
a bad thing, that's what we're taught and it's good. Yeah, I'm
41:47
like, it's you know, I think also, well, this is what
41:51
helped me know the difference. I used to do this program called the Seven
41:55
Challenges with Adolescents for a substance abuse. In that program, it had a
42:01
thing called gentle confrontation. And I sometimes say to my clients, depending on
42:07
what our report level is, hey, there's about to be some gentle confrontation
42:10
here. I'm about to touch a place and it might bring up something in
42:15
you. But I also let them know too that like, even if even
42:22
in the midst of that discomfort is an opportunity for growth. It's an opportunity
42:27
for us to connect in a different way. Right, I'm like, confrontation
42:30
does not feel good, But confrontation is good perspective. It's the not feeling
42:37
good and if we've had trauma related to confrontation, we will shy away from
42:42
it. Yeah, we had a guess not too long ago, and she
42:47
brought up the fact that going to therapy actually brought up a lot of stuff
42:54
that made her reflect back into depression and stuff like that, or like,
42:59
how do you to how do you encourage that person that's like actually going to
43:04
therapy and it's getting these really ugly places revealed to them, Like how do
43:08
I remain encouraged when this is hurting me so bad? I've done so well,
43:13
like I moved I've moved on, and I'm using quotations because in my
43:16
mind, like you said, whatever your position, in my mind, I
43:20
moved on. I'm physically doing well in my life. But you bring this
43:23
up. I come to you and this comes up, and I don't feel
43:27
good and I can't take you home with me. I think it's so important
43:30
to do a lot of resources. Resourcing is what we call it in therapy,
43:36
where I'm providing you with now the coping skills that you're gonna need in
43:40
the event that you are triggered, or in the event, processing continues to
43:45
happen once we get out of therapy, that could lead you into more anxiety,
43:50
that could lead you into depressive thoughts. I always try to tell my
43:53
client to honor the effort, Honor the effort, honor your progress in zoom
44:00
man on a progress, not what is not what at that current moment is
44:04
wrong, right, I'm like because some and then I literally start with this,
44:10
in the past is depression and the future is anxiety, and the piece
44:15
is in the present. So like, stand in the present. Right,
44:20
if we ruminate a lot on past things, then we're gonna be depressed because
44:24
that's all of us should have, could have, would have done differently,
44:29
and something about that is depressing because we cannot change it. But you can
44:31
change it in the present. You can do something differently in the present so
44:36
that you don't So it's a point of reference. That's all the past can
44:39
be. I think. I usually with my clients that deal with that,
44:45
we're gonna do some resourcing before so that when you're outside of therapy, I
44:51
know that you can handle your triggers, right, I know that there is
44:54
some healthy coping going on that you're sitting with your emotion, right, that
44:59
you're not setting the move for depression. Right, you're not listening to the
45:02
sad songs. You ain't got the blind like feeding it. Yes, right.
45:08
I think you spend a lot of time helping the client know that they
45:14
can feel their emotions but not be engulfed by it. Okay, let's go
45:19
there, cuz woman to God. Hello, that's I'm gonna be transparent around.
45:25
That's the area that I struggle with is like experiencing the emotion and not
45:31
living there, not residing there, like how do I okay? Not like
45:37
come on, I'm here, y'all. Y'all can get a live their precision
45:42
just five three. So the first thing, you know, when we feel
45:45
in a negative emotion or a difficult emotion because I want to say it's negative
45:49
but like depression or anger, the first thing we want to do is do
45:52
something about it. And I say to you instead of judge and get to
45:57
just be curious about it, right to where you are feeling this emotion in
46:02
your body, to practice some self compassion, right, and so also to
46:08
let it pass. I'm gonna give you this. We call this like ce
46:12
be a fusion where you're thinking something in your head, say, what happened
46:15
to you in the past, what you've been through? Right? And in
46:19
that present now the present has fused with what you're thinking, and you think
46:23
and perceive your present to be right where you were before. Those feelings come
46:28
up as if you were right there before. Right. So your thoughts they
46:32
are passing like passengers. If you've seen somebody walking on the way up here,
46:38
would you pick them up? Now? If you've seen apostle Howell walking,
46:45
would you pick him up? Ye? Right? Same way with our
46:47
thoughts, they're passing passengers. Every thought that I think I don't have to
46:52
pick up. I need to distinguish whether the thought itself and the feeling is
46:59
a problematic or is it profitable. Because see I tell my clients, like
47:06
when I'm in gulf By, these are the passengers, these are my thoughts.
47:09
And if I become engulf by it gets here right, it also obscures
47:15
my view in the present moment. But if it's passing, I get to
47:17
choose what I pick up, and it might be profitable. And if it's
47:21
a profitable thought, it expands this present moment, it enhances it, It
47:27
provides something that will make the present moment better. I see what I felt
47:34
put you in the check this way, I see I see why she was
47:37
tagged you you yeah, if you told me that, and you know we
47:44
want all this. I don't have some mess today to do because I'm seeing
47:47
here thinking like it takes practice because sometimes you know, Joyce Smyer has this
47:52
book, The Better Feel of the Mind Spiritually, even it starts in our
47:58
mind right, and I'm like, that's the most place where we're fighting most
48:01
times. That's what the work needs to be done. If we're picking up
48:05
every thought in its fact, taking it as fact, even if it's problematic,
48:09
even if we know it's going to take us back to this place.
48:13
I don't need I gotta let this passenger pass, let this thought pass.
48:16
I'm only picking up what's profitable in my present. The piece is in the
48:22
prison, that is it, not future, not past. The piece is
48:25
in the prison. The peace is in the prison that could total the power.
48:30
Now, yeah, like your it seems like you're it's like not even
48:36
encouraging, but it's just like the power, like the you because you talking
48:40
to a visual person, So in my mind, it's like the Doll.
48:44
I would want a therapist like you. You know what I'm saying, like,
48:46
take me there, let me see it, because I don't see it.
48:49
I'm not I'm not experiencing it, you know what I'm saying. So
48:52
I'm trying not to even go into my own therapy station because this is not
48:54
what we came here for it. We came here for the people, so
48:58
the people can understand during mental health way this much why it's important for them
49:02
to behold and so I want to give I want to ask you this question
49:07
before we end this, because I'm curious about this, Okay, and I
49:12
know a lot of people might be curious about this if they've never done like
49:15
therapy before. What's the difference between a counselor and a coach? Okay?
49:28
I think coaching you're working towards a specific goal. Nothing clinical is involved,
49:34
possibly no diagnoses, possibly no expansion of looking at what is going on with
49:40
you clinically, mentally and emotionally that's impacting you from actually getting that goal performance
49:47
right, strategy driven, not the full process. I think both can be
49:53
profitable depending on if and I think also coaching is something that is like brief
49:59
therapy as opposed to counseling is more expansive. Right, even if you're coming
50:07
to me about a present problem, we're going to reference the past, and
50:12
we're also going to proactively prevent this from happening in the future. Right,
50:15
So the goal is not really like brief but impactful, like long term.
50:23
That's so good. So how do I know? How do I know when
50:27
it's okay to be coached in this thing versus counsel I'm like, so counseling
50:34
to me again, I think coaching is a symptom. How we talked about
50:38
counseling is getting to the source behind it. Right, As a coach,
50:44
I might give you strategies to help you be productive and do what is right
50:49
then and there. As a counselor, I might help you get to the
50:52
source of what's inhibiting you from being productive. That's so good. That's so
50:55
good. I needed that for myself. And I also feel like, you
51:01
know, because I don't want to say like coaching is a cop out,
51:05
because coaching is really good, Like I have one, I have plenty of
51:08
coaches. Yeah, Like coaching is good, But I think that there's a
51:14
possibility that some of us may choose coaching over counseling because we think that it's
51:25
the same thing. And I think also coaching somehow disarmed reservations towards counseling.
51:35
What do you mean by that? I mean that, but I want to
51:38
give this dynamic right at home. I can treat my symptoms. Right.
51:45
If I go to the doctor, the doctor also is still going to kind
51:49
of look at the source. It's not just looking. It's the epandemiology.
51:52
Where did this start? Right? And I'm like, if I want to
51:55
just stay on surface, right, then I might lean to a coach if
52:04
I'm looking for strategy. But I think also the work that we do is
52:08
more clinical, mental and emotional, and it's looking at the whole person,
52:13
right, mental, emotional, spiritual, physical. I think that coaching in
52:20
our day, for sure has less stigma attached to it than counseling. I
52:24
think that's why it's big. I think also coaching is an aspect of mentorship
52:30
too. I think mentorship and coaching is important. You should have somebody that
52:36
can bring you along, coach you towards achieving something. Yeah right again,
52:42
performance driven, that's so good, that's so good. So I think that
52:46
was needed to provide clarity with I feel like I have to go home and
52:52
just digest some of the stuff you said, like especially the whole passengers.
52:57
What about you desert. Yeah, Like I think I gotta sit in some
53:00
of stuff, like the beautiful thing about this. By the time this come
53:05
out, I'm gonna be free. I'm doing literally five some professionals at it
53:14
all. I'm trying not to wear myself out. Oh my gosh, look
53:17
the trees. I appreciate you. I appreciate you for coming. I gotta
53:23
go sit in this this passenger like you got me with this passenger there.
53:28
You told me up right there, because it's really you basically told me that
53:32
I have control over who I take with me, and the who is might
53:36
be anger, it might be frustration, it might be depression of who that's
53:39
what the who is? You know what I'm saying. We talk about people
53:42
or leaving people alone, but we build these relationships with these emotions and marry
53:46
these emotions, and we're wondering why we're always the emotion eker To talks about
53:52
this pain body state. I think it's chapter six and a New World right
54:00
stuff. For a long time, I'm like it's certain it really is certain
54:04
places and certain emotions that we are comfortable with that we have become that have
54:10
become my companion. And I say, get curious, right, get curious
54:15
about holding onto depression. Not all times is it possible. Sometimes you do
54:21
need medications. Right, So sometimes it's not as easy as what I'm saying.
54:25
Right, Yeah, Sometimes it's other contributing factors that make this a little
54:30
bit harder. Right, But I'm like, most times we are holding onto
54:36
these things because there's other unresolved things. Right. We are clinging to sometimes
54:40
these emotions because they empower us. They also sometimes allow us not to take
54:45
action. Right. I get to sit in this, I feel more comfortable
54:51
in this state, and with that we have to explore other contributing factors.
54:57
That's good. If I could say something of about just mental health awareness,
55:02
you know, Apostle kind of hinted at this, but I always say that,
55:07
like, our mental health is an investment. You're gonna pay it either
55:12
on the front end or you're gonna pay it on the back end. Therapy
55:17
is the maintenance for our mental health. Right, just like your car needs
55:22
maintenance is daily maintenance that you do, it's monthly maintenance that you do.
55:25
It's quarterly maintenance maintenance that you do. It's yearly maintenance that you do.
55:30
But if you don't do any maintenance, the car is going to bring down.
55:36
Therapy is like that. It's the maintenance that you need for your mental
55:40
win emotional health. It's other things that we can do daily, like self
55:45
care or basics, what we eat, how we sleep that influence our mental
55:49
win emotional health. It's more work like looking at spiritual aspects, right,
55:55
the spirit of rejection, the orphan spirit, it's other inner child wounds.
56:00
I think it's a big one that impact how we show up as an adult.
56:04
It's certain things that we have to do to help have good mental and
56:08
emotional health. And I mean you can invest in it on the front end
56:13
because for some people, right, they we do say oh it's it calls
56:15
its too much. Yeah, I'm like, well, you're gonna pay her
56:19
too much on this end or that end. You choose, you choose now,
56:28
And so it's like I'm kind of like you just I'm still just like,
56:30
yeah, I keep hearing like one of one of the things that I
56:35
keep picking up is given permission to explore, to investigate, like the feelings
56:40
the emotions and then uh, showing grace. It's like we don't understand.
56:49
We tend to shy away from or talk about those things that we don't understand,
56:53
but we haven't given the space the space to explore or to or to
56:57
really see why somebody be acting the way that they do. You know what
57:02
I'm saying That compassion part, I think is definitely what we're just missing a
57:05
lot in humanity in general. Compassion for sure. Yeah, I'm like,
57:09
don't even ex why just ex what? What is this communicating to me?
57:15
Hm? That why is a it's a rabbit hole. It won't be reason
57:20
enough. But what just keeps going? What is this trying to teach me?
57:25
What is this revealing to me? Right? That keeps going? Why?
57:31
It's like, well, would anything even be valid enough? So why
57:37
are we chasing that question? What? Oh my gosh, that was so
57:46
good. I feel like a piece over me right now, Like I can't
57:52
even explain it, Like, yeah, you legit, I ain't say I
58:01
ain't think that you were were. Remind me to tell you something after I
58:07
get we get off the record, because I don't want to say it on
58:09
here. The reason being why I ain't saying it because it's not necessarily about
58:13
me, is about somebody else. But I'm I'm honored that you like real
58:20
talk like thank you so much for you to be so intellectually sound, but
58:27
grace by God for something like this like this is this is you? Like
58:31
so if y'all look, I ain't pubbing, but do what I'm feeling right
58:36
now. Uh, and what I've learned, there's a razor say that like
58:40
there there is an anointing there like al and I call it an art in
58:46
my mind. The art of communication can go a lot of ways. And
58:50
then counseling the art communication because it's a life of death situation. You know
58:54
what I'm saying, And so I'm appreciative of you. Thank you, thank
59:00
you so much for coming. If there was a final thought, this was
59:02
a last thing that she was like, Hey, they missed all of this,
59:06
but if they hear one thing, I want them to hear this.
59:07
What would that be? I would say, your mental health and you,
59:13
the best version of you, is worth fighting for. We hold on to
59:16
a lot of things doggedly, determinedly. Why not hold on to yourself and
59:22
your mental health as doggedly as you held on to things that hurt you.
59:28
You're worth fighting for it. Your best self, the best version of you
59:31
is waiting for you to fight for it. I'm worth fighting for. Oh
59:38
my gosh, that you're worth fighting for. I love it. I love
59:44
it, y'all. This this just want tom. I think I'm scared to
59:49
keep going. You know what I'm saying, Like, this is so good,
59:52
This is so good. But latersea as I said, thank you so
59:54
much. We'll have her information in the bio description of this episode. But
1:00:00
remember, y'all, listen, we got we're going the whole month of May,
1:00:06
the whole entire month of May, so you got a week the process,
1:00:08
everything has said, and then we're gonna come back next week. So
1:00:14
I love you, guys, desiree you that girl, you might love you
1:00:17
girl. What he called us the other week, wonder woman, wonder twins.
1:00:22
That's what he said to my wonder twins. I love you, y'all,
1:00:25
I love you until next week. Remember, life could be much more
1:00:31
simple if you just said see you later. Thank you for tuning in to
1:00:42
this week's episode. Since you've made it this far, you might as well
1:00:45
connect with us on all social media platforms at the Jessica S. Smith.
1:00:51
I know I won't see you back until next week, but until then,
1:00:54
remember to love always yourself and all. Thank God for one another day.
1:01:04
Hey, Hey, I know we could be another way. Hey, pray
1:01:10
thank God for another day. Hey hey, I'm just thankful another day.
1:01:20
Hey Hey, another day? Oh, another day wise, another day to
1:01:24
get it right, another day to rise up, another day living. Another
1:01:29
day. We loved ones. I always remember hold it down for a ball, one ye