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Porn Addiction: Let's Talk, with Kendra King, LCSW · The Trauma Therapist

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma divers podcast. My name is Guimingferson
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Speaker 1: and I interview incredible people who share the story of
0:07
Speaker 1: how trauma has shaped their lives. And a big thank
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Speaker 1: you for sponsoring today's episode goes to my guest and
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Speaker 1: our sponsors. So five four, three, two and one, our folks,
0:24
Speaker 1: welcome back to the podcast. Very excited to have as
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Speaker 1: my guest today. Kendra King. Kendra, welcome, Thank.
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Speaker 2: You so much. Thank you for having me.
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Speaker 1: This is exciting, awesome. So Kendra has specialized in working
0:35
Speaker 1: with partners of sex and important addicts for over five years.
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Speaker 1: She engages with her clients from an eclectic approach that
0:42
Speaker 1: allows them to process through the betrayal trauma they've experienced
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Speaker 1: to find healthy coping skills to apply while on their
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Speaker 1: healing journey towards recovery. Kendra balances support while holding our
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Speaker 1: clients accountable for taking back their power on the path
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Speaker 1: to wholeness. All right, Kendra, before we get one of
1:00
Speaker 1: your show with the listeners, where you're from originally and
1:02
Speaker 1: where you are currently?
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Speaker 3: So where I'm from originally is a lot of places.
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Speaker 3: I was born and raised in for Texas for twelve
1:09
Speaker 3: years and I moved to Maine, Florida, North Carolina, Illinois, California,
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Speaker 3: so I'm kind of.
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Speaker 1: Everywhere, either either military or running from the law, which.
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Speaker 2: Was my mom was in the military.
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Speaker 3: However, she did come out right before she had me,
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Speaker 3: and that's where I was planted in Texas first, but
1:34
Speaker 3: her job.
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Speaker 2: Was just traveling.
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Speaker 3: She worked in hospitals, so we just once I was twelve,
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Speaker 3: my parents separated and we took the show on the
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Speaker 3: road and I was just kind of like tags.
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Speaker 2: I was trying to brought along.
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Speaker 3: So that's kind of where all my traveling has stemmed from.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so heavy topic. Did this all start for you?
2:01
Speaker 1: How did you get into this topic? Okay, not too
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Speaker 1: many people specializing, No, no, they don't.
2:06
Speaker 3: And I actually am a subspecialist of this specialization because
2:12
Speaker 3: I didn't go the traditional c SAT, which is certified
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Speaker 3: sex addiction therapist route. I didn't go that route because
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Speaker 3: I just am not that typical person that goes with
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Speaker 3: the crowd. So I started out first. When it comes
2:28
Speaker 3: to mental health and substance use around, I want to
2:31
Speaker 3: say it's over ten years. I started in twenty eleven,
2:35
Speaker 3: but once I got licensed to practice therapy, well.
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Speaker 1: Hang on, hang on, why what got you into that?
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Speaker 3: In the first LAO therapy in general and mental health
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Speaker 3: and substance use. Personal I felt people just made sense
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Speaker 3: to me, like their behaviors, being able to read them
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Speaker 3: and understand them and being able to come up with
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Speaker 3: ways to help them. But also personally, I just kind
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Speaker 3: of I grew alone. I kind of learned how to
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Speaker 3: be a human or how to be an adult based
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Speaker 3: off of observations from my parents and kind of.
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Speaker 2: What to do or what not to do.
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Speaker 3: So I had a lot of trial and error in
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Speaker 3: life at an early age, so specifically with the sex
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Speaker 3: and port addiction. Personally, there's a lot of sexual trauma
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Speaker 3: in my personal background, so I understood the nature of compulsive,
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Speaker 3: unhealthy sexual behaviors. I understood a fair recovery, you know,
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Speaker 3: based off of seeing other adults, based off of my
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Speaker 3: parents' relationships. So it just kind of made sense when
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Speaker 3: I stumbled upon this specialization. Before I practiced this specialty,
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Speaker 3: I was in a doctor's office. I had started a
3:53
Speaker 3: pilot program to bring therapeutic services into a private medical practice.
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Speaker 2: I went to a treatment.
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Speaker 3: Center, and then I fell upon this at a group
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Speaker 3: private practice, and then I fell in love with this
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Speaker 3: and ever since then, I stepped out on my own
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Speaker 3: to start my private practice two years ago, and this
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Speaker 3: is where we are.
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Speaker 1: You fell in love with this? Why? How? What was
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Speaker 1: it about us? And when we say it, what we're
4:24
Speaker 1: talking about?
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Speaker 3: The nature just the basic sex topic, just the basic
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Speaker 3: topic of sex. We don't talk about it. We're not
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Speaker 3: taught how to engage in our sexuality from an unhealthy way.
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Speaker 3: It doesn't matter what your orientation is, how you show
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Speaker 3: up in that capacity. We're just not talk these things
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Speaker 3: from a societal perspective, academic peers, there's just like it's
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Speaker 3: like this hush hust thing that everybody does and it's
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Speaker 3: just like you know, it ends up coming out and
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Speaker 3: you know, very questionable ways. And so I just wanted
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Speaker 3: to talk about this because sous I wanted people to grow.
5:02
Speaker 3: I grew because professionally, it is first off our priority
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Speaker 3: to work on ourselves. And this particular topic I had
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Speaker 3: an unhealthy relationship was when it came to sex. So
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Speaker 3: when I discovered sex important addiction and sex therapy and
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Speaker 3: a fair recovery, it was just like, oh, this is
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Speaker 3: another level of being a human that people or just
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Speaker 3: unaware of and then how I am as a person
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Speaker 3: and as well as how I am as a therapist.
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Speaker 3: It just comes out differently like I am not afraid
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Speaker 3: to discuss these tense, uncomfortable topics because it's just like
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Speaker 3: like I said before, we're engaging in it, so why
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Speaker 3: can't we talk about it right?
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Speaker 1: Right? Okay, So you found this, you said something clicked
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Speaker 1: for you or maybe was a gradual but at some
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Speaker 1: point you're like, I want to do this? Did you
6:00
Speaker 1: what did you go to school for this? Specifically? How
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Speaker 1: did you start to educate yourself about this particular topic.
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Speaker 3: I learned initially with the director of the practice that
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Speaker 3: I was working at. Then he kind of required that
6:16
Speaker 3: I was an independent therapist or independent contract therapist, so
6:20
Speaker 3: he required that we engage in a certification process that
6:25
Speaker 3: is advertised through the Heart to Heart Counseling Center. I
6:29
Speaker 3: don't know if you've heard of doctor Doug Weiss. He's out.
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Speaker 3: He's based out of Colorado.
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Speaker 2: I have.
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Speaker 1: I've had him on the podcast.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, so he's my supervisor. He is amazing.
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Speaker 3: He validated me as a therapist because he is no
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Speaker 3: nonsense and he plays no games with his clients and
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Speaker 3: so like when he was my supervisor, I told him,
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Speaker 3: I was like, you made me feel good as a therapist.
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Speaker 2: He was like, can do You're gonna be great. You're
6:51
Speaker 2: gonna be great.
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Speaker 3: You need to step out on your own and I
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Speaker 3: got you whatever you need you just let me know.
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Speaker 2: I'm just like, Okay.
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Speaker 3: So I studied under him, and then I'm currently under
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Speaker 3: supervision for my sex therapy certification with doctor Jennifer Conson.
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Speaker 2: She's based out of California. And so I've just.
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Speaker 3: Fallen upon these gurus, these mentors that have taken me
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Speaker 3: under their wings and have just molded and motivated me,
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Speaker 3: but inspired me to pursue this. They have given me
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Speaker 3: confidence and the knowledge that I've acquired. How I show
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Speaker 3: up as a therapist with my clients and they're can like.
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Speaker 3: They're like, Candrew, You're fine, Like you are doing this, girl,
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Speaker 3: just believe in yourself and keep doing what you're doing.
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Speaker 2: I'm just like, Okay, So that's great.
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Speaker 1: Well, I gotta say, you have this incredible energy about you,
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Speaker 1: and I could totally You're welcome. I could totally see
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Speaker 1: what they were talking about in part Okay, let me
7:50
Speaker 1: what is porn? How do you define porn. How do
7:53
Speaker 1: I do?
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Speaker 2: That is the first time I've been asked about that question.
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Speaker 2: How do I define porn?
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Speaker 1: M Well, how is how is it defined in the literature?
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Speaker 3: Well, I'm assuming, uh, sexual images that are depicted on
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Speaker 3: a screen or depicted in areas that aren't like you
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Speaker 3: have to go to an isolated you know, it's not
8:16
Speaker 3: something that you could just go to the regular movies
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Speaker 3: to go see, you know, and it's sexual in nature.
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Speaker 1: It sexual, okay, sexually explicit because I'm thinking, uh, like
8:32
Speaker 1: it's on a continuum. It is. You've got the like
8:34
Speaker 1: you know, the old Victorious Secret catalog with women in
8:37
Speaker 1: lingerie all the way up.
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Speaker 3: Okay, like imagery like that, silhouettes of people's bodies, scantily
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Speaker 3: clad people see through things.
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Speaker 2: It could be many women, however you identify.
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Speaker 3: Yourself just like the the discrete but indiscreete notion of
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Speaker 3: new forms or however it's expressed. It's just like, oh, okay, okay.
9:07
Speaker 1: And then all the way to.
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Speaker 2: The sexual act, all the way to the sexual act.
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Speaker 1: Okay. So how would how porn addiction? What is it? So?
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Speaker 2: Okay?
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Speaker 3: Because I just did a podcast interview with another professional
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Speaker 3: who did not like the word porn addiction, sex addiction,
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Speaker 3: and I definitely understand because people struggle with identifying addiction
9:40
Speaker 3: when it comes to like substance alcohol, with those who
9:44
Speaker 3: engage in porn or sex, there's a struggle there. I'm
9:48
Speaker 3: not here to debate that. However, My definition of porn
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Speaker 3: or sex addiction is you engaging in unhealthy, compulsive sexual
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Speaker 3: behaviors that impact every level of your life, whether it's relational,
10:05
Speaker 3: whether it's work, whether it's school, whatever the case may be.
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Speaker 3: It's a compulsive act. It's you having unhealthy coping skills,
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Speaker 3: and it's you engaging in something to self soothe as
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Speaker 3: opposed to processing your emotions, communicating how you feel, sharing
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Speaker 3: your thoughts, whatever the case may be. Sense of hiding.
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Speaker 3: I'm hiding. I'm trying to numb these feelings. I'm just
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Speaker 3: trying to run from them, as opposed to let me
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Speaker 3: address them, let me work through them, let me talk
10:37
Speaker 3: about them. And that is another that's another path to.
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Speaker 1: To go down. What the inability to talk about it? Okay, well,
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Speaker 1: let's put that on the side here, So use the
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Speaker 1: word compulsive compulsive meaning inability to stop in a sense regulating.
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Speaker 2: Okay, now, just being triggered to Okay, yeah.
11:00
Speaker 1: But like you brought up substance abuse right oftentimes and
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Speaker 1: correct me if I'm wrong. Here, the addiction comes into
11:08
Speaker 1: play when it starts impacting one's life, their ability to work.
11:15
Speaker 1: They start rearranging their lives in order to get the
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Speaker 1: substance whatever that is. So here, similarly, I'm assuming that
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Speaker 1: porn addiction is when someone is compulsively engaging watching this
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Speaker 1: and hours are going by, They're not working, they're not
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Speaker 1: interacting with their kids or family or whatever. It's impacting
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Speaker 1: their job. Is that correct? Okay? So people come to
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Speaker 1: you and they say what and you do what?
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Speaker 2: Okay?
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Speaker 3: God, This is where it gets tricky because there are
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Speaker 3: levels to this.
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Speaker 2: Right, Okay, sure there is.
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Speaker 3: Say you're acting out with porn, your partner doesn't know
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Speaker 3: about it. They discover, Hey, you didn't tell me that
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Speaker 3: you watched porn. We didn't have this discussion. This is
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Speaker 3: a part of our sexual boundaries as a relationship. You know,
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Speaker 3: I feel betrayed, you know, we need to address this.
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Speaker 2: That's one way.
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Speaker 3: Or we have affairs where it could be one instance,
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Speaker 3: it could be multiple, you know, and then they come
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Speaker 3: to me and it's just like, Okay, I need to
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Speaker 3: figure we need to figure out how why and how
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Speaker 3: we can work through this. Or you have situau Instagram
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Speaker 3: in Facebook where you're just constantly scrolling looking at different images.
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Speaker 3: They don't have to necessarily be nude images, form fitting
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Speaker 3: figures showing you know, and you're just scrolling it.
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Speaker 2: Does It seems innocent? Right?
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Speaker 3: However your partner is uncomfortable by it because they're internalizing
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Speaker 3: that they're not good enough, or you're just continuing to
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Speaker 3: do this all the time, you're finding moments throughout the
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Speaker 3: day it's just oh, let me get a dopamine boost.
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Speaker 3: I'm just gonna scroll a little bit, or I'm just
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Speaker 3: gonna send this text to someone that's not my partner
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Speaker 3: because I feel whatever I feel, and I can't talk
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Speaker 3: to my partner about it. Like it shows up in
13:20
Speaker 3: so many ways.
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Speaker 2: Guy, it's it's.
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Speaker 1: Sore you are. You're making a distinction between just scroll
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Speaker 1: looking at images to kind of more compulsive stuff. Correct, Okay,
13:36
Speaker 1: And I'm assuming also, and correct me if I'm wrong
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Speaker 1: here that oftentimes this is negatively impacting one's relationship. Yes,
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Speaker 1: I mean they're not they're not sharing it with their
13:47
Speaker 1: partner or is there a way that this could positively
13:52
Speaker 1: impact the relationship, add a little spice to the relationship.
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Speaker 3: So we're gonna define book. So you have the I
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Speaker 3: found you acting out with porn. I didn't know about it.
14:03
Speaker 3: Now we got to figure out when did this start?
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Speaker 2: Right? Okay, then we have a Oh we're.
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Speaker 3: Having a conversation about our sexual relationship, you know, and
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Speaker 3: you tell me that you enjoy watching porn, and I
14:18
Speaker 3: feel comfortable enough engaging in it with you. Nonetheless, a
14:23
Speaker 3: conversation needs to be had when there's no conversation in
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Speaker 3: their secrecy happening, that's when it becomes.
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Speaker 2: The part problems.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so someone comes to you, and I understand every
14:37
Speaker 1: case is different, but what do you start to wonder
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Speaker 1: when someone comes to you? What are some of the
14:44
Speaker 1: things you get curious about? Maybe what do you ask?
14:48
Speaker 1: Let me let me say this is there? You know,
14:53
Speaker 1: you talk, You listen to someone like abormonte He talks
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Speaker 1: about trauma and addiction, and he says addiction, trauma is there.
15:04
Speaker 1: Most often trauma involved with this.
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Speaker 3: I wouldn't necessarily say there's trauma, there is something, and
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Speaker 3: a lot of the times there's a lack of attachment,
15:15
Speaker 3: secure attachment. With those earlier relationships, there's.
15:20
Speaker 2: A lack of.
15:23
Speaker 3: Acquiring effective communication skills or emotionally secure environments to be
15:31
Speaker 3: able to share my emotions where I'm not feeling dismissed, minimized, abandoned, rejected,
15:39
Speaker 3: whatever the case may be.
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Speaker 2: So it's mental, it's emotional.
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Speaker 3: There's just so many things at play that lead to
15:47
Speaker 3: these particular things. But yeah, it's not just necessarily trauma.
15:54
Speaker 3: There could be.
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Speaker 1: But I mean, in all fairness, everything you mentioned could
15:58
Speaker 1: be traumatic.
15:58
Speaker 2: It could be traumatic. It could right, and.
16:00
Speaker 1: Not having that certainly not having that attachment to be traumatic. Okay,
16:05
Speaker 1: So so back to my question, what do someone comes
16:09
Speaker 1: to you, How do you start to do your assessment?
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Speaker 1: What are you curious about?
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Speaker 2: So I definitely start with.
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Speaker 3: Discovery, like how did we find out about this or
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Speaker 3: how did the partner find out? Then I go down
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Speaker 3: the path of what the relationship does look like over
16:25
Speaker 3: the course of time. But then I narrow it down
16:28
Speaker 3: to the individuals when it comes to okay, what was
16:32
Speaker 3: what was your upbringing when it comes to talking about sex,
16:35
Speaker 3: what was your upbringing when it comes a to talking
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Speaker 3: about your emotions? Was there safety in any of these things.
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Speaker 2: Was it just.
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Speaker 3: Basic level or you know, was it this type of
16:45
Speaker 3: environment where you couldn't say nothing, do nothing, you just
16:48
Speaker 3: had to be quiet, or there was this a overstimulation
16:52
Speaker 3: of these things so where you couldn't regulate how what
16:55
Speaker 3: was appropriate?
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Speaker 2: What was it?
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Speaker 3: It could be either or So I'm starting from and
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Speaker 3: working my way back all the way to individual background
17:05
Speaker 3: as well.
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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. Now you said previously you on another podcast
17:13
Speaker 1: and the host Sarah was having an issue with calling
17:17
Speaker 1: it addiction. Can you elaborate on that? So it what
17:20
Speaker 1: was going on?
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Speaker 3: So there's in this field there's a lot of debate
17:26
Speaker 3: around what to classify this as. Does it fall under addiction?
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Speaker 3: Is it compulsive behaviors? I don't get caught up with
17:33
Speaker 3: the nuances of labels and defining. I focus on how
17:39
Speaker 3: can we help the person the couple, So I respect
17:44
Speaker 3: her struggling with the word addiction associated with sex and porn.
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Speaker 2: It's the same thing when.
17:52
Speaker 3: It comes to the idea of when it comes to addiction,
17:58
Speaker 3: abstinence right as a to harm reduction. You see what
18:02
Speaker 3: I'm saying. Not everybody falls into these categories, into these labels.
18:07
Speaker 3: So there are stances and everybody has the right to
18:11
Speaker 3: have their own opinion and stance, specifically with the unprofessional
18:14
Speaker 3: for world to feel how they feel, and I respect
18:18
Speaker 3: all of it because at the end of the day,
18:19
Speaker 3: I'm just here to help people. That's why I consider
18:22
Speaker 3: myself as an eclectic therapist, and my approach is different
18:25
Speaker 3: because I don't get caught up in jargon.
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Speaker 1: That's not what I'm right, right, right, right. In one sense, however,
18:34
Speaker 1: if this is negatively impacting someone's life, something's going on
18:39
Speaker 1: and maybe it needs to be addressed, especially if they're
18:42
Speaker 1: coming to a therapist like yourself. They're saying they need help.
18:45
Speaker 1: Something's off. Okay, give us I'm gonna put you on
18:50
Speaker 1: the spot here. Can you give us kind of a
18:52
Speaker 1: case study of someone you worked with? What it looked like.
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Speaker 1: Why do they come to you? I'm guessing when they
19:00
Speaker 1: come to you things have been going on for a while.
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Speaker 2: Okay.
19:04
Speaker 3: So I have one who came to me because he
19:10
Speaker 3: was finally ready to like really put forth the effort
19:15
Speaker 3: to engage in his recovery journey, seriously intentionally tried to
19:24
Speaker 3: do it on his own. It did not work. He
19:28
Speaker 3: has a background of abandonment, rejection when his parents died early.
19:37
Speaker 2: The living parent.
19:40
Speaker 3: Wasn't as emotionally available and understanding as the parent that passed.
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Speaker 1: And so, okay, so you obviously uncovered this. He didn't.
19:51
Speaker 1: I'm assuming he didn't come to you and say, you know,
19:54
Speaker 1: I have this point addiction, this is I have all
19:57
Speaker 1: this in my history? Was he aware of any of that?
20:02
Speaker 3: To the to the point of how I dissect people.
20:05
Speaker 3: I read people as if they are novels, and I
20:09
Speaker 3: engage in questions that helped me discover the things that
20:16
Speaker 3: I need to understand the bigger picture.
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Speaker 2: But I do it such as what such.
20:20
Speaker 3: As we start with an experience, right say, let's say
20:26
Speaker 3: with the with the parent that passed. So my question
20:30
Speaker 3: is more more so of what did that parent provide
20:34
Speaker 3: for you? What happened to you after that parent passed
20:38
Speaker 3: and the parent that was in your life did they
20:42
Speaker 3: were they able to provide the same thing? If they didn't,
20:46
Speaker 3: what did they give you? And how did that make
20:48
Speaker 3: you feel? In comparison? So I dependent because I only
20:53
Speaker 3: get an hour, God like, I can only get so much.
20:57
Speaker 3: So I'm constantly I'm constantly trying to pull you know,
21:02
Speaker 3: that rug that starts unraveling I'm pulling that string every session.
21:06
Speaker 3: I'm pulling that string and pulling that string. I do
21:09
Speaker 3: start where they are and how they show up in
21:11
Speaker 3: the you know, initially, but like when we start getting
21:14
Speaker 3: into the weeds.
21:15
Speaker 2: Of stuff, I am. I am a detective.
21:21
Speaker 3: It's very important because that's how you understand your client,
21:23
Speaker 3: and that's how you create a treatment plan and be
21:26
Speaker 3: able to work on goals and come up with interventions.
21:29
Speaker 3: Like you got to really be in tuned and connected
21:33
Speaker 3: therapeutically with your client.
21:36
Speaker 2: To be able to help them. If not, what are
21:38
Speaker 2: you doing?
21:40
Speaker 1: I'm assuming there's a lot of shame involved, so much shame.
21:44
Speaker 3: So much guilt, so much isolation, misunderstanding, and so it's
21:50
Speaker 3: the reworking of core beliefs, values, perceptions, self perceptions.
21:58
Speaker 2: Self worth, self love, of reparenting that inner child. It's
22:02
Speaker 2: so much stuff.
22:06
Speaker 1: Is that that? All of what you just said right
22:09
Speaker 1: now sounds really important to me because I'm as we're talking,
22:13
Speaker 1: I'm thinking to myself, how does someone heal? What is
22:19
Speaker 1: what does the healing journey look like? What do they
22:21
Speaker 1: have to do? And I'm wondering if like substance abuse,
22:29
Speaker 1: substance addiction, the healing journey on that we hear that
22:33
Speaker 1: you know that takes many That is a struggle, right,
22:36
Speaker 1: people are going back to recovery centers over and over
22:39
Speaker 1: and over again. Is it similar in this top with
22:42
Speaker 1: this topic.
22:43
Speaker 2: It is.
22:44
Speaker 3: It is because you have to be committed right and
22:47
Speaker 3: you have to understand that this takes work, just like
22:51
Speaker 3: substance abuse, just like alcoholism. You have to show up
22:55
Speaker 3: for yourself every day. You have to put all these
22:58
Speaker 3: resources in place. Expect you to get it right because
23:01
Speaker 3: nobody is perfect. We're perfecting our imperfections and will never
23:05
Speaker 3: fully arrive. But I need you to show up. As
23:08
Speaker 3: long as you show up, we can go from there.
23:11
Speaker 3: But you have to be intentional.
23:15
Speaker 1: Is there? Let me ask you, pull back and ask
23:19
Speaker 1: you broad a question. And I know this is different
23:25
Speaker 1: from many people, but what are some of the reasons
23:28
Speaker 1: people engage in this behavior?
23:31
Speaker 3: Struggles with vulnerability, struggles with being able to be emotionally open,
23:39
Speaker 3: struggles with communicating their needs, understanding their partners' needs, not
23:45
Speaker 3: having a deeper understanding of what intimacy is outside of
23:50
Speaker 3: physical connection, emotional connection, mental connection, spiritual connection.
23:57
Speaker 2: However you identify spiritually.
24:00
Speaker 3: Being able to see beyond the surface of one another
24:04
Speaker 3: is where the struggle lies.
24:06
Speaker 2: And being able to share the.
24:08
Speaker 3: Darkest parts of yourself right because people get in relationships
24:12
Speaker 3: for what it looks like as opposed to the reality
24:14
Speaker 3: of what it is. And we are all broken vessels
24:17
Speaker 3: around this joint. And it's like, if you can't show
24:21
Speaker 3: up in all your glory and all your shadow parts
24:26
Speaker 3: with the person that you want to commit your life to,
24:29
Speaker 3: or commit yourself to, or your body to, or share
24:32
Speaker 3: this world with, then what are you doing?
24:35
Speaker 2: What do you doing?
24:37
Speaker 1: I mean that everything you just said that's hard to do,
24:40
Speaker 1: it is. I mean it's hard to be open and
24:43
Speaker 1: both especially around becoming physically intimate, sexually intimate, and all
24:48
Speaker 1: those other intimacies you name. That's that's hard to do. Now,
24:52
Speaker 1: let me let me ask you this, how this your journey,
25:01
Speaker 1: your professional journey and your studying of this. How has
25:04
Speaker 1: this impacted you?
25:05
Speaker 2: Oh? Man?
25:09
Speaker 3: Well, the way I show up in my relationships has
25:14
Speaker 3: matured over an extended period of time because I see
25:20
Speaker 3: myself as I learned from my clients, just like they
25:22
Speaker 3: learn from me. I am no better than them, and
25:26
Speaker 3: I see pieces of myself and all of them, So
25:28
Speaker 3: I understand. So I talk to myself as I talk
25:32
Speaker 3: to them, and it has been it has been a
25:36
Speaker 3: journey because I have had to hold myself accountable but
25:40
Speaker 3: also forgive myself for things, forgive others, give myself closure
25:48
Speaker 3: in situations that people that have hurt me have not
25:51
Speaker 3: been able to do so. So my level of grace
25:53
Speaker 3: and empathy has just been cultivated in a sense of
26:00
Speaker 3: I have solid boundaries and there's only certain types of
26:05
Speaker 3: people that I can have in my life. And so
26:09
Speaker 3: it's if anything has matured me to a place to
26:11
Speaker 3: where I'm okay with being alone because I ain't lonely.
26:17
Speaker 2: And I'm okay with that.
26:21
Speaker 1: Is there from your experience, And again, i know it's
26:27
Speaker 1: different for everybody, But I'm curious in your work, are
26:32
Speaker 1: there certain elements, especially with this topic, Are there certain
26:36
Speaker 1: elements that you feel your clients need or are looking
26:44
Speaker 1: for when they come to see you.
26:46
Speaker 2: I think it's emotions.
26:47
Speaker 3: I think emotion emotionally focused therapy is probably the best
26:53
Speaker 3: thing that could have ever happened.
26:55
Speaker 1: However, not I'm not talking about I'm not talking about treatments, Okay.
26:58
Speaker 1: What I'm talking about is when clients who come to you,
27:02
Speaker 1: are they essentially searching for something. Yes, are they desperately
27:07
Speaker 1: in need of something?
27:08
Speaker 2: Yes?
27:08
Speaker 3: What it still stems off of mostly focused therapy.
27:12
Speaker 2: I need to feel seen and I need to feel heard.
27:16
Speaker 2: M hm, that's it because most people struggle.
27:21
Speaker 1: Je.
27:22
Speaker 3: It's so good, it's so big, because it's just like
27:25
Speaker 3: whether it's from family members, whether if it's past intimate relationships.
27:30
Speaker 2: They didn't get that, you know, they didn't get that.
27:35
Speaker 3: And if they did, like I said earlier, rejected, abandoned, dismissed,
27:41
Speaker 3: gas lit, minimized, ignored, whatever you want to call it,
27:47
Speaker 3: you know, and so they kind of withdrew and figured out,
27:52
Speaker 3: excuse me, engaging in other things to help them cope
27:57
Speaker 3: with addressing that stuff, and it may have not been
27:59
Speaker 3: the healthiest.
28:01
Speaker 1: Previously. We were we were talking and we're a topic
28:06
Speaker 1: was brought up and you said, well, that's a whole
28:08
Speaker 1: different avenue that we can go down. Do you recalled
28:12
Speaker 1: what that was.
28:12
Speaker 2: That we were talking about, like communication.
28:15
Speaker 1: Like yeah, yeah, I said, let's put that on the
28:18
Speaker 1: side here and go back to that. W say more
28:20
Speaker 1: about that.
28:20
Speaker 2: We are not taught how to talk to each other.
28:25
Speaker 3: We are not taught how to be able to share
28:29
Speaker 3: our emotions in an effective way, in an honest way,
28:32
Speaker 3: to where we don't feel defensive.
28:35
Speaker 2: The other person is not defensive from.
28:36
Speaker 3: What they're saying, They're just sharing their experience and being
28:39
Speaker 3: able to sit in that we taught those things. And
28:43
Speaker 3: so it's just and still to this day, you know,
28:46
Speaker 3: it's still like an issue because we have the generation
28:49
Speaker 3: now who don't even know how to talk to one
28:51
Speaker 3: another cause.
28:51
Speaker 2: It's all about screen time.
28:52
Speaker 3: They all want to text, like they can't have a
28:54
Speaker 3: face or face conversation, right.
28:57
Speaker 2: And then when you talk about emotions, what are emotions?
28:59
Speaker 3: Sadness, anger, like these basic things, these basic things. So
29:05
Speaker 3: you know, but that comes from the foundation that was
29:07
Speaker 3: laid from our parents.
29:09
Speaker 2: I'm not beating up parents.
29:10
Speaker 3: I'm just saying that you project what was projected upon
29:14
Speaker 3: you because we all come into this world not fully
29:19
Speaker 3: put together, and where we learn based off of what
29:24
Speaker 3: we observe, based off of what we're taught, whether it
29:26
Speaker 3: be consciously unconsciously, and breaking that cycle, breaking that dysfunctional pattern,
29:32
Speaker 3: baking bake, breaking these generational defaults is it's challenging and
29:42
Speaker 3: not a lot of people want to do the work
29:45
Speaker 3: or you know, it's this victim mentality. Well, I tried
29:49
Speaker 3: my best and and it's just it just it gets
29:53
Speaker 3: there's a lot of pointing fingers and trying to escape and.
30:00
Speaker 2: Gas.
30:01
Speaker 1: No, let me ask you a question and excuse my nift.
30:06
Speaker 1: I don't know a lot about this topic. Is there
30:11
Speaker 1: a racial component to this?
30:14
Speaker 3: So I say that there is because I see it.
30:19
Speaker 3: I when I first started out, I mostly worked with
30:28
Speaker 3: individuals that identify themselves as white or Caucasian. It wasn't
30:33
Speaker 3: until I started my own practice to now I have
30:36
Speaker 3: a very diverse case low And that's all I wanted
30:40
Speaker 3: because I knew it impacted every racial context more so
30:47
Speaker 3: than anything within the Black culture because naturally we're a
30:51
Speaker 3: highly sexualized people.
30:54
Speaker 2: You know, we've gone through so much in that particular.
30:58
Speaker 3: Area, but we've normalized it and then it's kind of
31:02
Speaker 3: spilled over into other races to where they feel like
31:05
Speaker 3: they should present in a certain way, and it's just like, nah,
31:09
Speaker 3: that's not that's not that's not healthy. So yes, there's
31:13
Speaker 3: a racial aspect to this as well.
31:17
Speaker 1: Interesting all right, Kendra, look, I'm gonna have to have
31:22
Speaker 1: you back. There's obviously a lot to talk about here.
31:26
Speaker 1: We've scratched a surface. What what's the best play for
31:31
Speaker 1: people to to learn more about what you're doing.
31:34
Speaker 3: You can google my name Kendrick King, Charlotte, North Carolina.
31:38
Speaker 2: I'll immediately pop up.
31:40
Speaker 3: You can go to my website, The Healingheartthapycenter dot com,
31:47
Speaker 3: or you can email me at Kendra at the Healing
31:51
Speaker 3: Heartthapycenter dot com.
31:54
Speaker 1: Okay, So, and just briefly for for the listeners, uh, therapists,
31:59
Speaker 1: coaches of all kinds. If if they want to learn
32:04
Speaker 1: more about this, any resource, what's a good resource, basic
32:08
Speaker 1: resource for them? If the book or whatever.
32:11
Speaker 2: Basic resource for them?
32:13
Speaker 3: Just google, just google sex and porn addiction really, sex
32:17
Speaker 3: and porn addiction field, a fair recoveryfield, sex therapy field, like,
32:24
Speaker 3: just start with the basics. Google is your friend, but
32:27
Speaker 3: definitely doctor Doug Wise. There are others, but I'm always
32:31
Speaker 3: referring to him because that's kind of who I did
32:34
Speaker 3: my tutorial under. So my learning, my expansion and knowledge.
32:40
Speaker 3: But there are so many things out there you just
32:43
Speaker 3: gotta look for because it's there.
32:45
Speaker 1: Okay, Kendra, appreciate you, love it, love talking to you.
32:49
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you so much for being here having
32:51
Speaker 1: me all right, Okay,