Latest / Arrivals: A Birth Story Podcast / Navigating deep grief with a newborn, a 52 hour induction, and finding love again after loss

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Navigating deep grief with a newborn, a 52 hour induction, and finding love again after loss · Arrivals: A Birth Story Podcast

• Merelise Wilson: OK. Ready. We're ready. We're ready. Okay, so I'll do like, hello, welcome, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Great. Moran or Moran. Moran. Alright. Hello and welcome to the Arrivals podcast. Well, I Okay, so I'll do like hello welcome blah blah blah and then I'll say like today I have Julie and okay, okay great Moran or more. Yeah Moran Moran. Yep. Got it All right Hello and welcome to the arrivals podcast Well, I just forgot my line. ⁓ Okay. Let me try again. Hello and welcome to the Arrivals podcast. your Mary Lee Silsen. And today I am so, so excited to have Julie here with me talking about birth and all the things. my line. ⁓ Okay. Let me try again. ⁓ hello and welcome to the arrivals podcast I'm your host Marylis Wilson and today I am so so excited ⁓ to have Julie here with talking about birth and all the things. Yay! I'm so excited to be here. I'm pumped. I have so many stories. I know, I know. You're such a good storyteller too. Oh, thank you. I don't know. Sometimes. No, all the time for sure. It's gonna be a wild ride. I feel like we should have a warning label. I know, buckle up. Woo, buckle up. Buckle up. We have wine. We do have wine because it's Friday and you might need some listening. Yay! I'm so excited to be here. I'm pumped. I have so many stories to I know, I know. You should do a storytelling too. Oh, thank you. I'll do that. Sometimes. No, all the time for sure. It's gonna be a pretty wild ride. I feel like we have a wonderful... I know, buckle up. Buckle up. We have wine. We do have wine because it's Friday and you might need some listening. Yes. Put your wine, put your tissue. Get your wine, get your tissues. Yep, get the tissues. We're going to take a sip. Cheers. Cheers to all the mamas. Yes, to all the mamas. I love that. Yeah. So you've got three kiddos now. I've got three. Who gave me permission? ⁓ Hindsight. Whoa. That's a lot. But you know what? We're doing it. I love them. They're all very different from each other. They're all busy and funny in their own little ways. We're gonna take a sip. Cheers. Cheers to all the mamas. Yes, all the mamas. I love that. So you've got three kiddos now. I've got three. Who gave me credit? hindsight. Whoa. That's a lot. But you know what? We're doing it. I love them. They're all very different from each other. Busy and funny in their own ways. Sometimes I'm like, how in the Sometimes I'm like, how in the world am I like a grown adult with three children and all these things that have happened when yesterday we were hanging out at K.A. I know. At Georgia Tech or whatever, you know? The glory days. It's wild. It is wild. I think about that too, especially with people like you who I've known for a long time and then like thinking about how we met and then when I've interviewed them sitting in these chairs. with three children and all these things that have happened when yesterday we were hanging out at KIA. I know. It's wild. It is wild. I think about that too, especially with people like you who I've known for a long time and then thinking about how we met and then when I've interviewed them sitting in these chairs. It's like, no, no, no, we're still 20. Yes. ⁓ It's like, no, no, no, we're still 20. Yes. Still chugging champagne. Yes. Like what? It's wild. It is so insane. I don't know. I can't wrap my head around the time of it goes just so fast. It does. And I know we always, our generation jokes about all the things we've lived through, but COVID was truly a black hole of time. chugging champagne, like what, it's wild. It is so insane. I don't know. I can't wrap my head around the time of it goes just so fast. does. And I like, know we always, our generation jokes about all the things we've lived through, but COVID is truly wild at the time. Yes. And for all of us who became parents during COVID, like, then that just, I feel like it's accentuated. It's like a two year gap, which felt Yes. And for all of us who became parents during COVID, then that just, feel like is accentuated. It's like a two year gap, which felt like five years when you were in it. And now looking back, I'm like, wait, that felt like no time, but it's like a time warp. And just to become a parent when you're supposed to become a parent with this whole support system and other moms and neighbors and all that, and you're just alone is... five years when you're in it. wait, that felt like no time, was like a time where, yeah, just to become a parent when you're supposed to become a parent with this whole support system and other moms and neighbors and all that, think you're so wrong, it's a crazy way to become a parent, yeah, that is made to only like our little generation, yeah. And I mean, my friends and I now, my mom friends and I now, what so goes so quick. a crazy way to become a parent that is unique to only like our little generation. And I mean, my friends and I now, my mom friends and I now got so close so quick. We all met through daycare and it was like, just, I worked at the daycare at the time and I just emailed everyone and I was like, do y'all want to meet up for a happy hour? And immediately everybody was like, Yeah, we all met through Daycare. And it was like, just, I worked at the Daycare at the time. And I just emailed everyone. And I was like, do you all want to meet up for a happy hour? And immediately everyone was like, yes! You know, and it's CNA. We're all still best friends. This was six years ago. But that's, everybody was so desperate for connection. And we had to have a sense of work. And everybody was- Yes, like no one had seen anyone and we're all still best friends. This was six years ago now. But that's, everybody was just so desperate for connection and none of us had support. And everybody, people around us are like, hey, how did y'all get so close so quick? And I was like, we all had babies in COVID. Trauma bonding. Trauma bonding, which we're about to do. Well, I guess, I mean, that's a perfect segue too. ⁓ People around us were like, hey, how did y'all get so close to the White House that we all have names on it? Trauma bonding. Trauma bonding, which we're about to do. Well, I guess, I mean, that's a perfect segue, too. you got pregnant with Kinsey in 2019, December 2019. So I was supposed go back to work at late March. And you were a teacher at the time? I was teaching second grade. And I had to go back early. You got pregnant with Kinsey in 2019? 19 December 2019. So I was supposed to go back to work in late March. And you were a teacher at the time? I was teaching second grade and I had to go back early to learn how to work Zoom. That's so insane to think about. Insane. It's like waving, you know? I know, but we had never even heard of it. to learn how to work. Let's go and take a look out. You know, I know, but we had never. And I had come back a early, but just like recording. And see people. Little do know, it's about. And I had to go in for this teacher work day to learn how to do zoom. And they were like, you'll have to come back a little early, but just like three or four days. I was like, okay, whatever. I'll get out of the house. I'm excited to get out of the house and see people that I haven't seen for three months. Little did I know. I was about to not see anyone for a year because then the shutdown happened and I am in this tiny condo with my husband who's also on zoom. not see anyone every year because then the shutdown happened and I am in this tiny condo with my husband who's also on Zoom the whole time all day and I'm on Zoom all day and like who's with the baby? Me! I'm on the ramp with the baby, right? On my booze. the whole time, all day, and I'm on Zoom all day. And like, who's with the baby? Me, I'm on Zoom and with the baby. On my boob, and I have to turn off my camera and trying to read to 20 second graders. It was insane. It was insane. ⁓ So ⁓ my husband Charles, at the time, ⁓ go. He'd work till four. And ⁓ I'd work four with the baby. ⁓ And he'd been from 4 ⁓ So, my husband Charles at the time would go, he'd work till four. And I have, and I worked before with me and he'd been from 4pm to 10pm. He would go fix up the house. Cause that was his outlet. We can go anywhere. At least we had this house. He'd have like friends who were arranging beer. ⁓ And I'd like, and it was like, could have it for six, seven weeks. to 10 p.m. he would go fix up the house. Because that was his outlet. We couldn't go anywhere. So at least we had this house. He'd have friends come over and drink beer and paint the walls. And I'd bring them dinner with the baby. And we did that for six, seven weeks. And then, you know, when she turned one. And then, you know, when she turns one. We got pregnant with Charlie immediately. I mean, I'm pretty sure it was like on her birthday night. We were like, we don't have a baby. ⁓ should have another. ⁓ isn't crazy enough. What? We're finally sleeping through the night. Let's not anymore. know. Wait, before we get all the way to that though. know. There's a lot. Yes. But, but so Kinsey's birth. Okay. So ⁓ her birth story is so interesting because I look at it in hindsight now. And then after having two babies, We got pregnant with Charlie immediately. mean, I'm pretty sure it was like on her birthday. And we were like, hello, we don't have any! We don't have any! just were like, what? I love you so I know. But before we get all the math and all, it's a lot. Yes, but it's Mackenzie's birthday. Okay, so her birth story is so interesting because I look at it on site now and then after having two babies. I think the biggest thing, my biggest takeaway before I even tell a story is like, no one prepared me for what an induction would means with your first baby. I think if you've had a few babies, it's very different. Your body knows what to do. I was, my mom says with, now that I've had three pregnancies, that I'm very good at being pregnant until month nine. And I'm done. I think the biggest thing, my biggest takeaway before I tell you is like, you know, I'm from means I think if you've had it, it's very different. I was my mom says with now that I'm very good. So it's like 37. So they finally agreed to reduce me at like 31 and a half. So it was like 37 weeks, I was starting to go a little crazy. And 38 weeks, I was crazy. So they finally agreed to induce me at like 39 and a half or something. OK. So you were asking. I was asking. I was like, I'm going crazy. And so they were like, well, we have all, you know, it's booked. But if we have an opening, we'll call you. So we were at dinner, and they called. And they were like, do you want to come in? And I was like, heck yeah. I'm going to have a baby tonight, thinking it was. Right. And so they were like, well, have all the books, but we don't have any more. So we were at dinner and we like, you want to in? I was like, yeah, we have a baby night. Right? And I have that note, but I had no idea. No one told me. And my main thing was I didn't want a C-section. gonna happen that night. Like I had no idea. No one told me. And my main thing was I didn't want a C-section. And so I had midwives the whole time because they're a little bit better at the hospital that I was at. I was at Northside, a little bit better at advocating. Low intervention. Yes. like, let's try everything else before we get to that point. Yeah. But they didn't like tell you anything about, hey, if you opt for an induction. And so I had midwives all the time because they're a little bit better at the hospital that I was at. at Northside. A little bit better at the hospital. A little bit better Let's try everything else before we hit them. But they didn't like tell you anything about, if you opt for an induction, this might happen, that might happen. Yeah. Nothing. And I was one of the first, I think, my friend group at the time to have a baby. This might happen, that might happen. Yeah. Nothing. I was one of the first, I think out of my friend group at the time to have a baby. So like no one, ⁓ my only other good friend that had a baby had a lot of issues and probably, so like hers was plant, you know, it's, it was just very different. ⁓ ⁓ go in at 11 o'clock at night ⁓ they do ⁓ medicine that you go to sleep with. ⁓ no, the, they, well, only other good friend had a lot of intracerectal products, like herxaflavin. It was just very different. So we go in at 11 o'clock at night and they do that medicine that you do at the hospital. gosh, is that it? No, well, you go to sleep, but the medicine that we do is a labor and then they're like, sleep all night. Oh, so I just have to? Yes. So you do that and you're like, you go to sleep, but the medicine that puts you into labor, and then they're like, sleep all night. Oh, side attacks? Yes. Yes. So they do that, and they're like, sleep all night. And you're like, K? Right. What? Your brain's going a million miles a minute. I was kind of just like, wait, are you putting me into labor, but you're telling me you're going to be back in like six? I'm confused. So the baby's not coming now. So it's not coming now. And then so, you know, I slept a little bit, and I woke up the next morning. I was like, today's baby day. and nothing was happening and nothing was happening and nothing was happening. And they just kept, they did the balloon twice. They did pitocin, they did blah, blah, blah, blah, all these different things for like almost, it was four rotations. So 48 hours. So I was quote unquote in labor for 48 hours. Like they were giving me pitocin. So I was contracting. And they just kept they did all these are in things for like almost it was four rotations so 48 hours so I was quote-unquote in labor for 48 hours like they were giving me so I was contracting the whole time and not sleeping and not being able to eat and no one none of the nurses or doctors were midwives on call on any of the the whole time and not sleeping and not being able to eat. And none of the nurses or doctors or midwives on call on any of the rounds could figure out why I wasn't dilating. And then finally it was maybe, so we got there Friday night. This was Sunday afternoon. I was losing my mind. And were you in a lot of pain? Yes. rounds to figure out why I wasn't dilating. And then finally, was maybe, so we got there Friday night. This was Sunday afternoon. I was losing my mom. And were you in the locker room? Yes. So I was, and I was so attracted them since the minute they came in. Everything was happening except for dilation. You were just like, why is she going to be injured? Nothing, nothing. They were like, it's as a rock. Because pitocin contractions are... So I was, and I was full on contracting since the minute they gave me pitocin. Like everything was happening except for dilation. So you were still just like one or two centimeters or? Nothing. my They were like, it's hard as a rock. And then so this finally, I mean this angel of a midwife came in and she gave me an exam and was like, this is hard as a rock. Has anybody asked you if you, like, did you have surgery or anything? And I go, no. And then so, finally, I mean this angel of a midwife and she gave me an exam and was like, this is hard as a rock. Has anybody asked you if you like, did you have surgery or anything? And I go, no. I had an IUD one time that was super painful. I had to take an auto-healing because I was like bending her fur. Like in pain. She goes, you have scar tissue up here. You're not going to die. ⁓ I had an IUD one time that was super painful and I got it taken out immediately because I was like bending over like in pain. And she goes, you have scar tissue up here. You're not going to dilate at all. We need to cut it. ⁓ my God. Yes. So like hindsight, I am glad we got induced because that would have never, they may not have ever found out and I'd go straight into C-section if I'd labored at home. I don't know. We need to Yes, so like, I don't know. It's crazy that you're okay to have caught it during any animal exams. And then I was there for two and a half days before anybody had caught it. Thank God for her. I know. I mean, she truly like saved the baby. At this point, was like, dangerous, you know? it's so crazy that your OB never caught it during any annual exams or... And then I was there for two and a half days before anybody had caught it. Thank God for her. ⁓ know. ⁓ mean, she truly like ⁓ the baby and me because at this point it was like getting dangerous, you know? Yeah. ⁓ I had not had an epidural this whole time ⁓ I was like, I need to wait until ⁓ ⁓ it was miserable. ⁓ and I had not had an epidural because I was like I need to wait till whatever it was miserable and I didn't have the epidural yet and I passed out and I don't remember anything like probably because they're on and then they go we can't do anymore and so she had the epidural I'm like I didn't have the epidural yet and they went up there to cut my cervix. And I passed out and threw up. I don't remember any of it. Like Charles told me this later on. And then they go, okay, we can't do anymore until she has the epidural. Like I'm like, no shit. ⁓ my God. No shit. They did that without an epidural. No pain medicine. No local anesthesia, nothing. No. No. ⁓ my God. No shit! Oh my god! No shit. No painless. No local. No. No. No. Yeah. No kidding, you passed out. Yeah. we were getting ready for the epidural. And once that came in, they came back to us. And I pushed for two hours. I went to the night center's lighting. Oh my god. Immediately. No, yeah. No kidding. You passed out. Yeah. So then they gave me the epidural and once that kicked in, they came back and cut the rest and I pushed for two hours. went to nine centimeters. Oh my God. Immediately. I mean, in hindsight, thank God they gave you the epidural right then because if you had gone from zero to nine centimeters in 10, 15, 20 months, I can't imagine how painful that would have been. Right. I mean, thank God they gave you the epidural right then because if you had gone from zero to nine centimeters and 10, 20 months, can imagine how painful that would have been. So yeah, and I pushed for two full hours after a few days of like no food and labor and I was like, and no sleep. then she came out and I, you know how they say like, I cried, I cried, but it was pure relief. It was like, I- So yeah, then I pushed for two full hours after three days of like no food and labor and I- And no sleep. And no sleep. And she came out and I, you know how they say like, I cried when she was born. I cried, but it was pure relief. Yeah. It was like, I didn't really feel an attachment to her right away because I was so exhausted emotionally and physically. I didn't really feel an attack in the jaw right away because I was so exhausted emotionally and physically. I was so ready to leave her and be over. And when we see her at it, I went down and I was like, you get her out of there. And if you're on my chest, I'm sort of sobbing. like, it's over. Because this felt like it was going to last forever. And it stopped thinking about meeting your baby and it started thinking about making this end. Yes, making this end, like survival. I was so ready for labor to be over. They're like, we see her head. And I went down there. was like, well, then get her out. I pulled her out. And I put her on my chest. And I just started sobbing of like, it's over. Because this felt like it was going to last forever. And it stopped being about meeting your baby. And it started being about making this end. Yes, making this end, like survival. And so you know how they clean up the baby. They weigh, whatever. and so, you know, at this point, two in the morning, Sunday morning, we've got your Friday. It had been a full 52 hours before she was born. And, I think they cleaned her up. I skin to skin time. And I looked at my husband. You have to take her. I'm falling asleep. Like I hadn't slept and I was so like exhausted. At this point it's two in the morning, Sunday morning. We got there Friday night. So it had been a full 52 hours before she was born. And ⁓ I think they cleaned her up and they were like, ⁓ skin to skin time. We'll leave you guys alone. And I looked at my husband and I go, you have to take her. ⁓ I'm falling asleep. Like I hadn't slept and I was so like exhausted. And so he would tell the story all the time that He would tell the story all the time. Like, my wife fell asleep and all the nurses left and I was holding this baby for like two hours and he was like, is anyone coming back? And he's like, what am I supposed to do? Like, I don't know what's happening. It was like a break-up in her house. Yeah, I ended up seeing a bunch of selfies of them later. It's like, am I, is this okay? I feel like this is actually really perfect. like my wife fell asleep and all the nurses left and I'm just holding this baby for like two hours. And he was like, is anyone coming back? And he's like, what am I, am I supposed to feed it? Like he's like, I don't know what's happening. Was he like afraid to put her down? Was he like skin to skin, I have to hold her? Oh yeah. He was just holding her. Like I ended up seeing a bunch of selfies of them later, but he just was like, am I, is this? Is this okay? Like, feel like that's actually really perfect. Cause I know they had such a close little relationship and I feel like that from the get go, he was set up to just be her little, you know, her person. ⁓ yes. So that was a wild ride. ⁓ say the least, to say the least. then, you know, of course it's not over. So she had jaundice even though she wasn't a preemie or anything. So she had to stay in those little led lights for almost a week. they had such a close little relationship and I feel like that is just like he was set up to just be her little, you know, her person. Yes, so that was a wild ride, to say the least. And then of course it's not over so she had John dis. Even though she wasn't a preemie or anything. So she had to stay in those little LED lights for almost a week and I cried and cried and cried and cried. And I cried and cried and cried leaving the hospital without her. was unwell. So she had to stay in the NICU? Even though she's not like nothing. She's probably the biggest baby in the NICU. Yes. It was so strange. ⁓ We finally convinced them to take her home with ⁓ little, I call it like the baby tanning bed. ⁓ we had a to go baby tanning bed that we rented for God knows how much money and about her, I was like, wow. So she had to stay in the NICU? Even though she's not the like, nothing. She's probably the biggest baby in the NICU. Yes, it was so strange. ⁓ We finally convinced them to take her home ⁓ the little, I call it like the baby tan bed. Yes. So we had to go baby tanning, but we ran and forgot how much we needed and had her in there for like two days and week. ⁓ had her in there for like two days and then we could like actually swaddle her and actually try to put her to sleep and stuff. was, it was an insane first experience to becoming a mom. I was like, oh, okay. Like this, the birth. See, I always say that, you know, birth is misrepresented and like films and TVs is horrible and hard and terrible, but you're like, oh no, it really was horrible and hard and terrible. Yes. Yes. And you know, actually spottled her and actually tried to hurt her sleep. It was an insane first experience for me coming along. I was like, oh, okay. I always tell you that, know, is misrepresented and like films and TVs is horrible and hard and terrible. You're like, oh no, it really was horrible and hard and terrible. Yes, yes. And you know, I think too, when you're in the hospital bed that long, you for- I think too, when you're in the hospital bed that long, for, one of the hardest things I feel like about labor and birth and postpartum is you don't get to go outside. And that's a big thing that you don't realize is really hard. then especially if you have a baby in the winter, she was born December 2nd. ⁓ ⁓ remember my sister-in-law told me she had three babies before I ever had one. ⁓ One of the hardest things I feel like about labor and birth and postpartum is you don't get to go outside. And that's a big thing that you don't realize is really hard. And then especially if have to make your plan for She was born December 2nd. ⁓ I remember my sister-in-law told me she had three babies before I ever had one, which was so very helpful. ⁓ she was like, go outside every day. She was like, I don't care. Right? which was so very helpful. And she was like, go outside every day. She was like, I don't care if it's raining. I don't care if it's snowing. don't care if it's 30 degrees. You go outside every day, period. And I was like, And you still do that. And I still do that. It's like ingrained in my head from now on. I'm like, OK, if I'm getting the SADs, we don't want to get the SADs. Go outside. It's snowing. I don't care if it's 30 degrees. You go outside every day. Period. I was like, You still do that. I still do that. Like, the sads. You know? You don't want to get the sads, go outside. Like, how the Gen Z, they're like, touch grass. Literally. can go outside, touch grass, feel the sun, breathe in the fresh air. That's wild. Yeah. I mean, what was... how the Gen Z, they're like, touch grass. Literally. You gotta go outside, you gotta touch grass, you gotta feel the sun, you gotta breathe in the fresh air. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. I mean, what was Charles' like, I mean, was he freaking out? he, like, what was his experience? He was scared. Full anxiety mode, like during the whole, so my other sister-in-law actually, this was so helpful to us, because otherwise we would have been so clueless. She was an LND nurse. Right. Charles is like, I mean, was he freaking out? he like, what was his experience? Like, was he scared? He in full anxiety mode, like during the whole, my other sister-in-law actually, this was so awful to us because otherwise we would have been so cool. She was an LLD nurse, labor and delivery nurse, at that same hospital a few years before. So she knew a of nurses and asked them to come and talk to us. labor and delivery nurse at that same hospital a few years before. ⁓ she knew a few of the nurses and asked them to come like talk to us. And then she was kind of giving us a play by play and she was like, yeah, so first babies when you get induced kind of takes this long. And we were like, what? ⁓ one told us this. It's too late now, we're here. But ⁓ so that was very helpful. ⁓ he was losing his mind because he was like, I need to go outside. And so by the time we had the baby, I mean, he'd been in that hospital three days. I was like, please leave. ⁓ And then she was kind of giving us a play-by-play. She was like, yeah, so first babies when you get into this kind of takes this long. And we were like, what? No one told us that. It's still like now, here. But so that was very hard. But he was losing his mind because he was like, want to go outside. And so by the time we had a baby, I mean, he'd been in our hospital for few days. So he's leaving now. So he like went to work. And they were like, is there a wife in the hospital? Maybe he was. So he like went to work and they were like, uh, isn't your wife in the hospital with a baby? He was like, I had to get out of there. Yeah. She told me leave. She told me to swear. Yeah. I was like, truly. We went on a couple of work meetings and I was like, honestly, you're not missing anything in those early days. No, get out of my face. know? Yes, absolutely. So I know you said you did not tear, right? Which is crazy for two and a half hours of pushing. I know. But was there any sort of Yeah, she told me leave. told me leave. Yeah, I was like, truly. We went on a couple work trips and I was like, honestly. You're not missing anything from this car lead, Yeah. I'm out of my face. Yes, absolutely. So I know you said you did not tear, right? You were just crazy for doing that hours and Yeah. But was there any sort of unique recovery with them having to cut your cervix? Probably, because I didn't know. You know? unique recovery with them having to cut your cervix? Probably, but I didn't know any different. Right. You know? So I mean, yeah, I had terrible postpartum cramps. ⁓ that's probably why. I just realized this. ⁓ never ⁓ like the labor, pre-labor cramps were not that bad for me. ⁓ cramps, I was passing out and they had to give me morphine. ⁓ so I mean, had to borrow over for the Oh, that's probably why. I just realized this. I never had like the labor, pre-labor grants were not that bad for me. Post-labor grants. I was passing out and they had to be more paid the next day. I'm sure that was it. That's it. Because why? the next day. I'm sure that was it. That's it. Yeah. Because why? Because, I've talked to so many people and they're like, ⁓ mine afterwards weren't that bad at all. That's totally it. I mean, your server is just like torn for like practical, because it's supposed to naturally. Naturally over time. And it was like, Yeah. ⁓ my God. Yeah. I'm glad we figured that out. I know. been productive. Wow. OK. I'm probably going to realize a lot of stuff. I love it. Because I mean, that's another, well, why this podcast? And I've talked to so many people and they're like, we're in the afternoon, she's not going at all. It's really it. mean, you're super tense with people who involved. Because it's supposed to naturally. Naturally over time. It always is. Yeah. Slight, yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. Well, glad we figured that out. I It's been productive. I'm going to realize a lot of I love it. I mean, that's not the problem. It's because you realize a lot of stuff that maybe exists is because you realize a lot of stuff that maybe you didn't even know. Cause you don't talk about it. Right. And like you said, you know, you were one of your first friends to have a baby. Yeah. And that's exactly what I want this to be for people is like, I don't have anyone I can talk to or I don't know anyone who's had a baby. Like, I'm going to go talk to my, however many best friends who've been on the podcast and hear their stories and experiences. And yeah, yeah. It was wild. you don't talk about it. Right. And like you said, you you were one of your first friends to have a baby. Yeah. And that's exactly what I want this to be. Oh, I don't have anyone I can talk to or I don't know anyone who's had a baby. Like, I'm going to go talk to my other best friends who've been on the podcast and hear their stories and experiences. Yeah. Yeah. It was wild. yes, feel like from the start I'm like, oh, I was just so in love with her. Yes, I feel like postpartum with that one, I was just so in love with her that I didn't, I was so happy. I was like, I've wanted to be a mom since I was eight, you know? And we were just living in our little bubble and it was great. From what I remember, I mean, I do remember the sleep deprivation at one point. I made my mom keep that I didn't, I was so happy. was like, I've liked being a mom since I was eight, you know, and we were just looking at our inner home and it was great. For me, I remember, I do remember, had a sleep deprivation at one point. I made my mom keep the baby at her house at like eight weeks because she was going through the sleep regression. had to sleep more than two hours at eight weeks. the baby at her house at like eight weeks. Cause she was going through the sleep regression and I hadn't slept more than two hours in eight weeks. And so she was like, are you sure? Like this is an eight week old baby. You sure you want to be away from her for a whole night? And I was like, I've never been more sure of anything. I was like, I'm so tired. I was like, please. And that's like the main thing I remember. mean, my husband would travel. He was a consultant. And so she was like, are you sure? Like this is an eight week old baby. You sure you want to be away from her for a whole night? I was like, I've never been away from her. I was so excited. It was a please. that's like the main thing I remember. My husband went travel and it was all over. I was happy to play on a back in the 80s. It was great. You were also balancing with your baby. Well, yeah. I was happy as a clam at home with that baby. It was great. But you were also balancing working and- Well, yeah, until COVID. was like then- So she was born December 2019? Okay. Yes. Okay. So it was, she was right at three months when COVID hit. Yes. Yes. it was, she was right at three months when COVID Mindsight again, this is 2020. I'm so glad. Yes. Hindsight again is 2020. I'm so glad that I was with that whole time and ⁓ the way that everything worked out, like my husband got to spend time with her every day, all day, which he normally would travel every So that was great. Like it was just very... I was with her the whole time and the way that everything worked out, like my husband got to spend time with her everyday along with me, which he normally would travel every week, so that was great. Like it was just very nice to be with her every day. I would get really, I think, burned out and tired and like desperate for friends. like just considering the most part of my aspect, I feel like nice to be with her every day. I would get really, I think, burned out and tired and like desperate for friends. Yes, of ⁓ like, ⁓ considering the postpartum aspect, ⁓ feel like it could have been a lot worse in that circumstance. I never got postpartum depression. I was just ⁓ to be there, you know? Yeah. And then, you know, that's why we probably got pregnant with. in that sort of sense. never got postpartum depression. I was just happy to be there, you know? And then, you know, that's why we probably got pregnant with number two, right? It's a one-year day. Yes. So, got pregnant with Charlie. Married. She's still a baby, basically. She's a baby. I've, yes. I mean, she was 12 months. Number two right at the one-year day. I was like, let's do it again. Yes. Yes So you got pregnant with Charlie very so Kinsey is still a baby. Basically. She's a baby I've yes, I mean she was 12 months when we found out that we were pregnant with Charlie Wow ⁓ Yes, were you was it pure excitement or were you kind of like ⁓ shit, what have we done? when we found out that we were going on tour. Wow. Yes. Were you, was it your excitement or were you kind like, oh shit, what have we done? I'd say, I was more of, mean, my, because, know, like, no, they don't, so it was like, it was great. Literally, oh my gosh, this is so funny. This is how I told them, I didn't tell them for two full days. I had to hide. so nervous. I'd say 50-50. I was more, shit, and then my husband, because their lives aren't gonna change that much. Or they don't think it is. So he was like, this is great. It literally, ⁓ my gosh, this is so funny. This is how I told him. I didn't tell him for two whole days. I was so nervous. And we were, I mean, it was Christmas break. We were home. And one day at lunchtime, he was like changing clothes in the closet. So he was like buttoning his pants. And I go, And we were, I mean, it was Christmas break, we were home. one day at lunchtime, was changing clothes in closet. So he's like, his pants and I go, the baby. I go, I'm right. And he goes, you couldn't wait for me to zip my pants. And I was like, I don't know, I'm really nervous. He's like, is this what we wanted? And I was like, okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm holding the baby and I go, I'm pregnant. And he goes, you couldn't wait for me to zip my pants? And I was like, I don't know, I'm really nervous. And he was like, no, isn't this what we wanted? And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Totally. Right. Yes. Yes. What you said. Yes. I'm gonna, need those vibes. Right. Okay. Got it. We're good. We're good. ⁓ my gosh. Yeah, okay. Yes. Yes. What you said. Right. Right. I mean, by that point, it was early 2021. So, I mean, by that point, it was early 2021. I found out I was pregnant in December, 2020. So when we went back to school after Christmas break, I was like secretly pregnant, but still at the school. ⁓ And I was so, I remember just being so tired. Like he took all my energy. But other than being so tired, I was decent. So when we went back to school after the I was like secretly pregnant. So I remember just being so tired, like, it took all my energy. But other than being so tired, was decent. A decent pregnancy. I think the majority of the difficulties was the fact that I working so tired and I didn't have any sleep. I had a wonderful night. No wonder I couldn't sleep at So that was pretty hard. Just living the day to day, and getting up at 6 a.m. to go. A decent pregnancy, think the majority of the difficulties was the fact that I was working full time and I had a baby, like I had a one year old. No wonder I was exhausted. So that was pretty hard. Just living the day to day and like getting up at 6 a.m. to go to school and it was a lot. ⁓ But once the summertime came, it was a lot easier. to school and it was a lot. But once the summertime came was a lot easier, I'd say. And then he was due to September 7th, which he came September 1st. Which I was actually induced again for this one because he was a big baby. So okay, I'm leading up to this. Head part. I'd say, and then he was due to September 7th, which he came September 1st. Okay. I was actually induced again. Okay. For this one because he was such a big baby. Really? ⁓ okay. So leading up to his birth, yes. ⁓ been through Kenzies, which was less than ideal. ⁓ you, ⁓ you make any changes to your Having this opportunity, did you make any changes to your approach? Did you change anything with your approach Charlie's birth? I came in with a lot more knowledge. Luckily, the main thing was obviously the survey. your approach, like, did you decide to, and there's no right answer to this, obviously. Like, did you go in with like a birth plan or preferences or like, did you change anything with your approach for Charlie's birth? I came in with a lot more knowledge, thank goodness. ⁓ And luckily main issue with Kinsey was obviously the cervix thing, which ⁓ they removed the scar tissue when I was ⁓ in with Kinsey. So ⁓ they like, which they had removed the scar tissue when I was in labor. So they were like, we found out. I was so nervous. I was like, is this going to be an injury? It's gone. It's gone. OK. Wait, so hold on. They were not only just cutting your side, they were scraping out the scar tissue and you know, doing that with your mouth and everything. Oh, I just didn't know that. OK, so did you. Right. So it's crazy. We prompt, I was so nervous. I was like, is this going to be an issue again? They were like, no, it's gone. It's gone. Okay. Wait, so hold on. Backtrack. They were not only just cutting your cervix, they were scraping out scar tissue and they were planning on doing that without an epidural. Hold on. I just need to take a minute for that. Okay. That's crazy. Yes. ⁓ my God. And yes. And then yes. Yes. ⁓ my God. yes. then yes. Okay. All right. Okay. The good news is, I'm not there anymore. And I was just like, I'm not there was terrible. Fast forward 38 weeks and ⁓ I'm miserable. He's huge. We go in for an induction at like 7am. ⁓ Okay, got that right. Okay. Yeah, the good news is scar tissue's not there anymore. and I was just like I am NOT getting induced ever again. That was terrible. Blah blah blah. Fast forward 38 weeks and ⁓ I'm miserable. He's huge. Yeah, we go in for an induction at like 7 a.m. on September 1st and this time And this time, I'm like, we're really listening to records on the way to the hospital. had my hair braided, I put my makeup on, I'm like, let's go! I'm ready. And we get there, easiest of all three, easiest, like, fun, know what I'm Labor, ever. We check in and they get me off at 2, 785, 830. I'm like, we're literally listening to rap music on the way to the hospital. I have my hair braided, I've got makeup on. I'm like, let's go. You know, I am ready. And we get there. It was the easiest out of all three. The easiest, like fun, quote unquote, labor ever. We check in and they get me on Pitocin maybe by 8.30. Rediolated at all? think like two centimeters, a smidge. But I think because they were so back to back babies, they were 21 months apart, 20, 21, something like that. So I think my body was like, yeah, we know what to do. I remember this. I remember this. This wasn't that long ago. So I went into labor. I think I pushed maybe 20 minutes at like 7 PM and he was born. So did you? I think because there were some back-to-back babies, were 21 months apart. So I think my body was like, yeah, we know it. I remember that. I remember. So I went into labor, think I was maybe 20 minutes at like 7 p.m. and I born. with Betosa and like, did your contractions start pretty quickly and then you just kind of got the epidural? Like when you feel like you couldn't bear it anymore? Yes. Wow. And then I didn't feel a thing. The epidural worked gloriously. I think I took a nap in the afternoon. We were listening to Fun Mute. Like my husband at this point, it's like made a soundtrack. We were listening to Push It, Push It. And he was born at 7.30 and we were there just like barely 12 hours. And it was, I was like, With Betoza and like, can contact him for a quick meeting and just kind of have a girl like, you don't care anymore? Yes. Wow. And then I really feel like that girl worked gloriously. I took a nap in the afternoon and we were listening to it. My husband at this point was like, had a soundtrack. We were listening to Push It, Push It. And he was born at 7.30. And we were there just like, nearly 12 hours. And it was, I was like, this. This is great. This was wonderful. I can do this. I can do this over and over again. And he came out and I remember looking at Charles and going, this is my soul mate. And he was like, OK, that's excessive. He was like, excuse me. But it was such a different experience because I got to love the baby immediately. Because I didn't have the exhaustion or relief or like, is great. Yeah. This was wonderful. I can do this. I can do this. Over and over again. And he came out, I remember looking at Charles and going, this is my story. He was like, okay, that's excessive. It was such a different experience because I got to know the baby really Because I didn't have the exhaustion, the relief, or like all the other things in the drama. all the other things that I had, the trauma with the first baby that I could really take in the moment and like, I was like, oh my God, I love this baby. It was so great. Like that's what a birth story should be. Unfortunately does not happen very often. But we had a, we had a. first baby that I could really speak in common and like I was like oh my god I love this baby. It was so great. Like that's what a breast function is. know. Unfortunately it does not happen very often. We had a good time in the hospital because it's like oh my gosh I'm away from my one-year-old. vacation. Right it's vacation at that point. We popped champagne. It was just good time in the hospital, because it was like, ⁓ my gosh, I'm away from my one-year-old. This is vacation. Right, it's vacation at that point. We popped champagne. It was just a time. That's amazing. And you didn't tear with him either. No. Great. he felt good. Felt good. Postpartum was fine up until it wasn't. ⁓ We came home. We introduced the baby to one and a half-year-old. ⁓ It's fine. That's amazing. And you didn't tear with him either. No. Great. Felt good. It felt good. Um, postpartum was fine. Up until it wasn't. Um, we came home. We introduced the baby to one and a half year old. Um, and I remember it was maybe like the third night we were at home. It was just a good memory for a spoiler or whatever. Yeah. And I remember it was maybe like the third night we were home. And I just, this is a good memory for, spoiler alert for whenever, you know, in a couple of weeks we talk about, ⁓ he was home maybe three nights and in the middle of the night it was 4 a.m. and he just would not sleep. Like how they have their days and nights mixed up. So I'm just, I just give out and I'm laying on the floor playing with him. Cause I was like, he just wants to play. He's not going to go to sleep. And Charles comes in. in a couple weeks we talk about. But he was home maybe three nights and in a moment I was worrying about how they have their days next up. So I'm just, I just get out and I'm laying on the floor playing with him. He's like, he just wants to He's not gonna go to sleep. And Charles comes in and I was like, oh, sorry, I'm trying to be quiet. he's like, I don't want to, I feel like I'm missing out. Until we all just lay on the floor like, worrying. I was like, ⁓ sorry, we were trying to be quiet. And he was like, no, I don't want to, I feel like I'm missing out. And so we all just laid on the floor and like played at 4 a.m. And I was like, this is just, I have everything I ever wanted. It was just great. ⁓ Such a sweet memory. Yeah, it really was. Then, you know, all hell broke loose and three weeks postpartum, my husband died in a car accident. And that was the I have everything I need. It's just great. Is it just good memory? Yeah, it really was. Then, you know, all out of focus and really exposed my husband. And that was the of everything. It was no longer about me. The end of that. The end of the... I mean the end of everything, but it was no longer about postpartum. ⁓ It's so crazy to even think that I was that newly postpartum hindsight. don't, I mean, it's all a weird blur, but I feel like maybe because he was a big baby, he was a lot older. And because my one-year-old talked really early that I felt like she was a lot older. And since I was so in shock and so confused and whatever. It's so crazy to even think that I was that newly posed part of hindsight. I don't know. I mean, it's all a weird color, but I feel like maybe because he was a big baby, he was a lot older. And because my one year old talked really early that I felt like she was a lot older. And I was so in shock and so confused and whatever. I don't know, that I couldn't figure out why everyone was so worried. Like I really, truly didn't understand at the beginning. I was like, everyone's really freaking out. Like that's how you're just, there was a like veil over me and I was in slow motion, just worried about feeding the baby and everyone was zooming around me doing stuff. I know, but I couldn't figure out why everything was so blurry. Like I really, really didn't understand it. I was like, really don't understand it. Like that's how you're just, there was a like veil over me and I was in slow motion just worried about being in the bathroom and everyone was zooming around me doing laundry, making clothes. Like doing my laundry, making food, making plans, like paying bills. And I'm just sitting there like, I have a baby. So I don't know if we're gonna dive into that whole thing, but I will tell this part of the story, because I don't think I've ever told it. And it's an important part of like the beginning of the end, I'd say. And then also just in a postpartum world. have a baby. So I don't know if we're going to have anything do with that whole thing, but I will tell this story because I only have a powerful day and it's an important part of life. The beginning of the end, I say, and then also just in a postpartum world. I remember my mom asked me years later, why were you dressed that day? When a police officer got up and covered my hand. And it was the first day we were supposed to know. I remember my mom asking like years later, she goes, why were you dressed that day? When a police officer knocked on our door at 9 a.m. And it was the first day we were supposed to have workers come to the house. Cause my push present was going to be a new pantry. So he had gone on a one night work trip, one night. And ⁓ it was the first day ever that I was home alone with both babies. And Charlie was three weeks old. workers from the house. So he had gone on a one-night work trip one night and it was the first day I was informed of those babies. was three weeks old. He three weeks old. So he was napping in the bath tub. She was watching Cocoa and I like have my hair braided. who's three weeks old and she was 21 months old. So he was napping in the bassinet, she was watching Cocoa Melon and I like have my hair braided and I have on a bra at 9 a.m. You know, like very rare. Like if you have two babies, you know, that is not a normal thing. I was so excited and I get on a knock on the door and I assume it's the workers to come do the pantry. a bra and my name is very rare. Very rare. the last way to know that is not a normal thing. Make it on the map of the door and I see the workers are coming through the pantry and it's a police officer's point there. And in my head, I immediately knew. I don't know why. I just knew. I hadn't heard from him all morning. And I knew he had a bra. and it's a police officer standing there. And in my head, I immediately knew. I don't know why, I just knew. I hadn't heard from him all morning and I knew he had a coffee meeting at 8.30 and I was like, he would have called at like 7 a.m. because he knew we'd be up. And I had just sent him a text message saying, where are you? I haven't heard from you, I'm worried. coffee meeting at 830. And I was like, he would have called like 7am because he knew he'd be up. And I had just sent him a text message saying, where are you? I haven't heard from you, I'm worried. And I, and I hindsight too, I think back, apparently they had come to my house to let me know at like 2 a.m. and they saw the newborn sign on my door and they, the police officers like chose to not let me know that in the middle of the night, which was a huge blessing. Yeah, that was kind. Yeah. And in hindsight too, think that apparently they had come to my house to let me know, like 2 a.m., but they saw that I on my door. And they, officers, they chose to not let me know that I'm going, which was a huge blessing. Yeah. I also remember it was like a God thing. That was the first night Charlie slept like a five hour stretch. And I had texted him that right when I woke up. I was like, ⁓ my gosh, he slept. Like we slept. I also remember it was like a kind of thing. That was the first time Charlie slept like a five hour stretch. And I had texted him that right when I woke up. was like, oh my gosh. He slept. He slept. Yeah, so then, yeah, he just, came in and he told me that he'd gotten in a car accident and... Yeah, yeah, he just, he told me that he had gotten in a car accident and... I was so in shock, I kept asking him, I mean, take the postpartum out of it. It's so shocking and upsetting and awful and traumatic. And then, like, I think back, I was three weeks postpartum and I had two babies. I mean, it's, it was an out of body experience. It's unthinkable. Like, it is your hormones are already insane. I was going shop, I could ask him like, I mean, take the postpartum out of it, it's so shocking enough to be in an awful dramatic. And then like, I think that I was three weeks postpartum and I had two weeks. I mean, it was an out of mind experience. It's unthinkable. is. Your hormones are already insane at three weeks postpartum. at three weeks postpartum, insane. I mean, I don't know about you, I was like, I mean, yeah, I was not normal in any way, or form at three weeks postpartum. And your body, even with an ideal birth has been through something incredibly transformative and is still healing for months and months and months to come. And then to now, And it's insane. I mean, I don't know if I can feel it, but I was like, I mean, yeah, I was not involved in the age of reform. I really was part of it. And your body, even with an ideal birth, has been through something incredibly transformative and is still healing for months and months and months to come. And then to now receive news like that. receive news like that shift into a completely different reality. mean, we were talking about this before we started. You were like, and this kind of goes with what you were saying with everyone was so worried about you and you were like, I don't know why. You were like, I don't think I've ever told anyone Charlie's birth story because it just went straight to. It just went straight to that. Yes. Like we weren't even talking about, postpartum was not even on the radar anymore. Right. Right. I mean, shift into a completely different reality. I we were talking about this before we started. We were like, and this kind of goes with what you were saying, everyone was so worried about you. We were like, don't know why. Yeah. We were like, I don't think I've ever told anyone Charlie's birth story because it just went straight to. It just went straight to that. Yeah. Like we weren't even talking about a post-birth was not even on the radar. Right. Right. I mean. It was insane. I do remember I started bleeding again. Like I had stopped bleeding like a few days after, cause I had an easy birth. And that day I started bleeding heavily again. And I was like, that's interesting. That's so wild. Yeah. And just, I mean, you're shopping for a funeral dress that's breastfeeding friendly. Like that's insane. That's not something that should, a sentence that should ever be. No, it's insane. Yeah. ⁓ It was insane. I do remember I started bleeding. Like I had stopped bleeding like two days after it was like an easy birth. And that day I started bleeding heavily again. And I was like, that's interesting. That's so wild. Yeah. And just, I mean, you're shopping for a funeral dress that's not speedy. Right. Like that's insane. That's not something that a sentence that should ever be. No, that's insane. Yeah. Yeah, was just, it's crazy how the brain works. The policeman stayed with me. I don't have family in town either. I don't have any family in town. I'd made a couple new friends that are moms, but really I was just like, it took hours for him to make me call my parents. And he just sat with me and I kept, as I do, Yeah, it was, it was just, it's crazy how the brain works. The policeman stayed with me. I don't have any Yeah. I don't have any family to them. I've made a couple new friends that are moms, but really I was just like. He- he- it made- it took hours for him to make me call my parents. Really? And he just sat with me. And I kept- as I do, I- obviously so in shock. He told me, and I go, okay, well I have to feed the baby. I was like, it's- I have to feed the baby. Can you- my daughter loves police cars. Can you show her the car while I feed the baby? Obviously so in shock. He told me and I go, okay, well I have to feed the baby. I was like, I have to feed the baby. Can you, my daughter loves police cars. Can you show her the car while I feed the baby? And he was like, okay. He's like, oh no, she doesn't even know what I just said at all. And then I came back after like, you know, it takes 40 minutes to feed a baby that's that little. I come back and. And he's like, okay. then I came back. I come back. I was like, so what did you say? Why are you here again? Why are you here? Yeah, literally. It was, yeah. And then he was like, I need to call. And I called my mom. I was like, so what did you say earlier? Why are you here again? Literally. was in, yeah. And he had to tell me over and over again. And then he was like, you need to call somebody. And I called my mom. This is awful. It's awful. I called my mom and I never, I have never said this in my life, obviously, but I go, you need to come to Atlanta right now. And she goes, okay. Like, right, okay. And then go, you need to come right now. She goes, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. Can I ask you why? And I go, um. I called my mom and I've never said this in my life, obviously, but I go, you need to come in like that. And she goes, okay. Like, okay. And then I go, you need to come in like that. She goes, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. Can I ask you why? And I go. Charles died. And she was like, what? And I go, my husband died. My husband died. Mom, mom, my husband died. And I started yelling it. And she was like, OK, I'm coming. I'm coming. And it's a maybe one and a half hour drive. And they were there so quick. And my dad just goes into go mode. then the minute she got there, I cried for the first time. And she was like, what? And I go, my husband died. My husband died. Mom, mom, my husband died. And I started like yelling it. And she was like, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. And like, maybe one and a half hour drive and they were there so quick. And my dad just goes into the go log. then I started, the minute she got there, I ran for a strike. Because I just looked at her immediately and I go, I have two babies. And I said it over and over again. I looked like an insane person. I mean, I was an insane person. I was just sitting there for hours saying, I have two babies. I have two babies. Like, what the fuck? I have two babies. It was... because i just looked at her immediately and i thought i have two babies and i said it over and over again i looked like an insane person i i was an insane person i was just sitting there for hours saying i have two babies i have two babies what the fuck i have two babies It was. There's no words for it. ⁓ gosh. And then I had to call his mom. ⁓ I have to tell his family. ⁓ I mean, the levels of trauma are so insane. And then you add in, ⁓ my gosh, I'm not sleeping because I'm waking up two hours every night to feed a baby. there's no words for it. Oh gosh, and then I have to call his mom. Oh, I have to tell his family. Oh, I mean, the levels of trauma are so insane. And then like you add in, oh my gosh, I'm not sleeping because I'm waking up two hours every night to be a baby. Because for those of Because for those of you who are listening who haven't been through like intense grief or trauma, it consumes your body where you're exhausted. So I would wake up every morning for the next six months and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Like every inch of my body would be sore. And all I wanted to do was lay in bed. And I couldn't. Right. You two little kids. Yeah. Two babies. Yeah. you for listening who haven't been through intense grief or trauma, it consumes your body where you're exhausted. So I would wake up every morning for the next six months and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Every inch of my body would be sore. And all I wanted to do was lay in bed. And I couldn't. I had two little kids. Yeah, two babies. Yep. I can't imagine. I mean, thinking about your mom, like the, I'm sure, you know, at that moment she was like, I'm going to fly there. don't even know, you know, just like teleport, like, how can I get there as quickly as possible? Like, you know, cause like you're still her baby too. then, no, I mean, it's just, there's so many. was, I mean, the next two years after that, Yeah. I can't imagine thinking about your mom. the... I'm sure, you know, at that moment she was like, I'm gonna fly there. Like, don't know, you know, just like, teleport. Like, how can I get there as quickly as possible? Like, you know, because like, you're still her baby too. Yeah. then, no, I mean, it's just, there's so many. It was, I mean, the next two years after that, were really horrific, I'd say. Like, in the day to day, horrific. And then if I look back at situations or a certain day or I'll tell a certain story at a happy hour, just like off the cuff, and people will stop and stare and be like, ⁓ my god. And it's like, ⁓ that's not normal? Y'all didn't have that. Like it's, you know? were really horrific, I'd say. Like, in the day to day, horrific, and if I look back at certain situations or a certain day, or I'll tell a certain story at a happy hour, just like off the cuff, and people will like stop and stare and be like, oh my god. And it's like, oh, that's not normal. Y'all didn't have that. Like it's, you know? I mean, it changes, obviously, this sounds like a duh, but it changes you forever in ways you can't ever imagine. Yeah, I did not realize, I mean, I had never been through deep grief before anyway. ⁓ But this kind of trauma and grief combined with all of the things was especially fun, I'd like to say. ⁓ My brain chemistry is completely different. I it changes, obviously, it sounds like dumb, but it changes you forever. can't ever imagine. Yeah, I did not realize, I mean, I had never been through grief before anyway. But this kind of trauma and grief combined with all of the things was especially fun, I'd like to say. My brain is completely different. now deal with depression, anxiety, ADHD, memory loss. ⁓ I get extreme exhaustion after a social event. It's gotten better, but at the beginning, if I went to a kid's birthday party, I'd be bedridden for two days, because I'd have to put on the facade. And that's just to name a few. I've had digestive issues and gut issues. now deal with depression, anxiety, ADHD, memory loss. I get extreme exhaustion after a social event. It's gotten better, but at the beginning, if I went to a kid's birthday party, I'd be a veteran for two days, because I'd have to put on the facade. And that's just to name a few. I've had digestive issues. I would, I mean, I lost 60 pounds in six weeks. I had a six pack by the time I six weeks postpartum. That's not okay. And I'm sure people were praising you or, know, yeah, they're like, ⁓ my gosh, you look so good. And I'm like, it's this new diet. Trust me, you don't want to be on it. You don't want to be on this. ⁓ And that was, people, I nursed Charlie, I breastfed him for six months. That's incredible. I would, I mean, lost 16 pounds in six weeks. I had a six pack by the time I was six months of hard done. That's not okay. And I'm sure people were praising you or, you yeah. It's this new diet. And that was, I people, nursed Charlie, I've been studying him for six months. It's incredible. no one understood why. I was like, it's the only thing keeping me alive. Because if I didn't have to breastfeed him, this was my logic, that if I didn't have to breastfeed him, I wouldn't eat because I don't care about it at all. And I don't have an appetite and I'm so nauseous. And I would probably drink myself to death, honestly. And so I was like, he is that baby. And that's, think to this day and forever and ever, I have such a strong connection to him because No one understood why. I was like, it's the only thing keeping me alive. Because if I didn't have to breastfeed him, this was my logic. If I didn't have to breastfeed him, I wouldn't eat because I don't care about it at all. And I don't have an appetite. So nauseous. And I would probably drink myself to that, honestly. And so I was like, he's that baby. And that's, think to this day and forever and ever, I have such a strong connection to him because He kept me alive. there was a, as hard as it was, there was a reason that I had him at that time. Or I don't, I truly don't feel like I would even be alive, much less like where I am today. Let's, I completely understand that. Yeah. And it's so wild. And I know like you and I talk about signs and like God winks and stuff all the time. But the fact that you, like when he was born, the first thing you said was, he's my soulmate. Yes. It's like, he kept me alive. Like there was a, as hard as it was, there was a reason that I had him at that time. Or I don't, I truly don't feel like I would even be alive, much less like where I am today. I completely understand that. Yeah. And it's so wild. I know like you and I talk about times and like, Robin says that all the time about the fact that you, like when he was born the first time he said, it was my soulmate. Yes. It's like, Somehow like it just truly it was meant they like transformed and sometimes I look at that kid and like I'll just stare at him as he's watching TV and I just like feel Charles and him. I'm just like you are ⁓ He's everything. Yeah, I mean he he kept me alive. I I I was emailing Taking care of babies and saying will you send me? like a co-sleeping Somehow, was just truly, it was a myth. They like transformed and sometimes I look at that kid and like I'll just stare at him as he's watching TV and I just like feel Charles. I'm just like, you're the father. You get me a lot. I was emailing, taking care of babies and saying, you send me like a code sleeping? anything advice because ⁓ my husband just died and I can't sleep alone and that baby slept in the bed with me for a year. Yeah. Because I completely get that. Yeah. I was like, he doesn't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't have anybody else in the bed. Yeah. So it was, mean. I mean, remember, so Kit, my first was born in June of that year. so, you know, Charlie was born not long after. And I remember like, anything advice, because they're just tied, can't see the road. And that made me something better to do that. Because I didn't get that. Yeah. I was like, you don't want to be locked, I'm going be locked, I'm going try to get to the head. So, I mean. I mean, remember so Kit, my first was born in June of that year. And so, you know, Charlie was born not long after. I remember like watching you. you were going through the most part of watching it. Yes. And like putting myself, you know, in your shoes and thinking about what it would be like. I just seem to remember, I was still maternity leave and my husband came home one day and I was like, I was sobbing. So you were going through postpartum watching it. Yes. like putting myself in your shoes and thinking about what it would be like. I distinctly remember I was still on maternity leave and my husband came home one day and I was I was sobbing and he was like, what's wrong? I was like, you know. And it's not that you can't imagine, you can imagine and you're like, how? Yeah. I think that's And he was like, what's wrong? I was like, I don't know. And it's not like you can't imagine, you can imagine. And you're like, Yeah. I think that's like one of the things as moms that have connected with people so much. Like my stories are like, no, can't imagine that. And I don't know how I get it now that I'm out of it. When people are like, ⁓ my God, you're so strong. Like one of the things as moms that have connected with people so much with my story is they're like, no, I can't imagine it. And I don't know how I get it now that I'm out of it. When people were like, ⁓ my God, you're so strong. And I'm like, what? Like, I'm just, I don't know. I'm just doing, I'm going on a three hour timeframe every day. Minute by minute. Minute by minute. Yeah. What? I'm just, I don't know. Do it. I'm going on a three-minute time frame every day, every every minute, and you just truly. And you just, you truly do what you have to do. Yeah, to survive. To survive. keep those babies alive. Yes. I mean it was... survive to and yes I mean it There's so many stories and days of like, I'd just be home alone with those two babies for days, days and like not sleeping. Cause they weren't on the same sleep schedule by the way. we like, why? My mom and I talk about this all the time because she was essentially my wife for like two years. She'd come and visit like almost every week. And twins would have been easier because they'd be on the same schedule at least. Like he would, I'd be not sleeping with him all night. There's so many stories and dates of like, I'd just be home alone with my two babies for days. Days and like not sitting, because they weren't on page. I told them why. My mom and I thought they were on the same page. He was essentially my wife for like two years. He'd come in with me like almost every week. And twins would have been easier because they'd be on the same page. At least like he would, I'd be not sleeping with him all night. And then he would go down for a nap at like 1230, cause he was little and wake up around 230 and Kinsey would go to nap at two. So by the time I got her to sleep, he'd wake up and I wouldn't have one second at all. I lost my marbles. would drive someone crazy to insanity without the added factor of grief. mean, right. And then he would go down for nap at like 12 30 because he was little and wake up around 2 30. Yeah. So by the time I got to sleep, wake up and I wouldn't have. at all. I lost my marbles. That would drive someone crazy to insanity without the added factor of grief. ⁓ Right. Without that. Right. Just that by itself. Like the lack of sleep. No, I it's just, you know. I mean there was one point in time, Davis was on your podcast a couple weeks ago or whenever she was, she was in town. Without that, right. Just that by itself, like the lack of sleep, the, no, I mean, it's just, yeah, it's. I mean, there was one, one point in time, ⁓ Davis, was on your podcast a couple of weeks ago or whenever she was, ⁓ she was in town and this was, you know, there's so many God winks all the time. ⁓ she texted me, it might've been, say your baby shower or somebody's baby shower. And she was like, Hey, I'm in town for a baby shower. Can I come over? So, you know, there's so many Godwinks all the time. She texted me, I didn't even see your baby shower. Somebody's baby shower. And she's like, Hey, I'm in town for a baby shower. Come over. And I go, yeah, actually, could you come over like right now? And she's like, I'm coming. And I had an evening, days, like I couldn't remember. And I was, I was really frail. was frail anyway. And I go, yeah, actually, could you come over like right now? And she's like, I'm coming. And I hadn't eaten in days. Like I couldn't remember. And I was really frail. I was frail anyway. But I was about to pass out, but I was home alone with two babies. So I was like laying on the floor, trying to stay awake until she got there because I was like so malnourished. I was about to pass out, but I was in one or two babies. So I was like laying on the floor, trying to stay awake until she got there because I was like so malnourished and so exhausted. And so we got a babysitter for the kids and she took me to like go get an IV and a sandwich. I mean, it was, and that's one of many stories. was awful. Every day. and so exhausted. And so we got a babysitter for the kids and she took me to like go get an IV and a sandwich. like, I mean, was, and that's one of many stories. It was awful every day. so, I mean, long, long story short, ⁓ I met my wonderful husband now. ⁓ I'd say like, gosh, Charlie was one and a half. And so, I mean, long, long story short, ⁓ I met my wonderful husband now. I'd say like, gosh, Charlie was one and a which seems so young, but every single day to me felt like eight years. You lived lifetime. Yes. So when it was a year and a half later, I'm like, I've, I've aged. which seems so young, but every single day to me felt like eight years. You lived lifetimes by that point. So when it was a year and a half later, I'm like, I've aged eight years. What are you talking about? This is too soon. The person that I was a year and a half ago, that person doesn't exist. No. It's not you can't compare. It's not the same. No. She's gone. This is a new person. Yes. eight years. What are you talking about? person that I was going to talk about person doesn't exist. It's not you can't compare. It's not the same. No, she's gone. This is a new person. And you know, a year and a half of like solo parenting day in and day out is I can't even anyone who does it is a superwoman. So we met. I met a man. And a year and a half of solo parenting, day in and day out, I can't even. Anyone who does it is a superwoman. So I met him at a wedding a year out, and I didn't really give him the time of day. But we went on our first date when I think Charlie was about a year and half. And Kinsey was three. And I didn't really get that much time a day. But we, on our first date, I think Charlie was about a year ago. And Kinsey was three. How do you like tell, I mean, did he know? Like, did someone give him a heads up? Yes. They gave him the heads up. How do you approach that? Yeah. And he said later on, he told me this story later on, because he was like, I actually saw you at one of your engagement parties that, from that same day, but all my friends were like, nope. Did he know? Did someone give him a heads up? Yes. They gave him the heads up. How do you approach that? He told me this story later on. Because he was like, I actually saw you at one of the engagement parties for that same wedding, but all my friends were like, nope, nope, nope, nope. They were like, dude, listen, you don't want to. And he was like, well, maybe I do. And they were like, no, no, no. It's not the time. Not yet. Nope, nope, nope. They were like, dude, listen, you don't wanna. He was like, well, maybe I do. They were like, no, no, nope. It's not the time. And he just clicked with the kids so easily. I think one of his calling from life was to be a dad. And it just hit, and it was easy. And oh my gosh, the way they're and he just like clicked with the kids so easily. Like I think one of his callings in life was to be a dad and it just fit and it was easy. And oh my gosh, the way they're. Cause I mean, talking about the kids' grief is a whole other thing. The way their attitudes and personalities and Cause I mean, talking about the kids, the way their attitudes and personality and anxiety are bound once we were with him a while. It was insane. I mean, kids need a father. They do. He just swooped in, didn't look at me. He was special guy. Yeah. anxiety calm down once we were with him a while. It was insane. they needed, I mean, kids need a father figure. They do. And he just swooped in, didn't blink an eye. What a special guy. Yes. Yes. I mean, it was like the second time he ever came to my house and I was like, well, the kids are still awake. I gotta put them down. And he's like, I'll read them books. Yes, I mean it was like the second time you ever came to my house and I was like well the kids were so like happy. He's like I already love him. I was like what? It's amazing. was like what? Alright, go for it. And I mean, he didn't have to be alone. No, yeah. was a full back. Yeah. Bachelor pad, in Buckhead at a high rise. He was like living, doing what everyone could go over to all the time. What? It's amazing. I was like, what are you? What? All right. Go for it. OK. Yeah. And I mean, I guess we should say, too, he didn't have kids of his own. No. Yeah. He did not. was a full bachelor. Yeah. Bachelor pad and Buckhead on a high rise. He was living, doing whatever the hell he wanted to all the time. And then we get married, and he has two toddlers and a full family. And I'm like, you signed up for this, I know. Welcome. Yeah. We get married and we have a child. You sign up for this. know. Welcome. Yeah. I mean, it's amazing. It's a lot to process. Yeah, it is. Even as I'm talking about it, I don't feel like I process it. Do you sometimes still... I mean, that's amazing. It's lot to process. Yes, it is. Even as I'm talking about it, I like, I don't feel like I've processed ⁓ it. you sometimes still like wake up and think ⁓ it all dream? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ Like, wake up and think it was all dream? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I'll have, well, I'll have dreams often about Charles anyway. ⁓ and certain dreams are very, very vivid. Yeah. And it will take me a minute when I wake up to like come to. Reorient. Yeah. It is, it is really wild. Yeah. the first year out every single morning, would take me 10 minutes. I'll have, well, I'll have dreams often about Charles anyway. ⁓ But certain dreams are very, very vivid. And it will take me a minute when I wake up to like come to. To like reorient. Yeah. It is, it is really wild. The first year out every single morning, it would take me 10 minutes at the least to remember. at the least to remember that like this is life and then this actually happened. And that's why I lost weight. So hopefully not just from eating, I did sleep every single morning. Every morning for a year. Yeah. And I. Expel the trauma. Yes. And still to this day, every like holiday or the birthday or hour like. that like this is life and that this actually happened. And that's why I lost weight so quickly, not just from eating, but I'd get sick every single morning. Every morning for a year, year and a half. And I- to expel the trauma. yes. And still to this day, every like holiday or the kid's birthday or our like old wedding anniversary or his birthday, I'm so sick all day. Like my body. I'm so sick all day. Like my body just knows it is crazy. I do think people handle the trauma and feelings in different ways. I am like you, like all of my feelings manifest physically. Like I'm nervous, I get a stomach ache. you know, I am sad, I get a pounding headache, you know? I always hear it's just like this extreme version of it. just knows it is crazy. I do think people handle like trauma and feelings and stuff in different ways. And I am like you, like all of my feelings manifest physically. Like I'm nervous. I get a stomach ache. Yes. You know, I am sad. get a like pounding headache, you know? Obviously yours was just this like extreme version of it. And it's just, it's interesting though, like with the kids and Sean, like ⁓ and it's just interesting that like with the kids and Sean, like the fact that you brought that like calm to their little nervous systems. Yeah. And for you to like witness that, you know, like literally see it happening. I mean, and I kept telling him, was like, you don't understand, like, this. I mean, cause he would come over maybe a few times a week while we were dating and ignore me. the fact that he brought that like calm to their little nervous system. Yeah. Yeah. And for you to like witness that, you know, like literally see it happening. I mean, and I kept telling him, I was like, you don't understand, I mean, cause he, would come over maybe a few times a week while we were dating and it'd normally be, you know, after work. So it's nighttime. It's like witching hour. And I was like, you don't understand. Like a few months ago, before we met you, I was like, you don't understand, like a few months ago, before we met, they would all be screaming and screaming, crying, going to sleep. Kinsey went through, once Charlie's final about to sleep, she'd been awake all night and you had no one to, you can't talk out, right? No one to talk out with, me teammate. And her anxiety levels, could she remember? She was old enough to remember. they would all be screaming. mean, screaming, crying, wouldn't go to sleep. Kinsey went through, once Charlie finally got to sleep, she'd be awake all night and had no one to, you can't tap out. No one to tap out with. No teammate. And her anxiety levels, cause she remembered. She was old enough to remember. And it really was a, and it really was life changing in some ways, but like they, needed that security. ⁓ so it was just, it was truly meant to be all the way around of meeting them for sure. You don't have to have this at all if you don't want to, but I feel like it might help someone else. How did you navigate those conversations with them? life changing in so many ways, but like they needed that security. ⁓ So it was just, it was truly meant to be ⁓ all the way around of meeting him for sure. You don't have to talk about this at all if you don't want to, but I feel like it might help someone else. Like how did you navigate those conversations with them? Like, especially with Charlie, cause how do you like Like, especially with Charlie, how do you like tell him you don't know? then, I don't know. So I think this is a big. tell him because he doesn't know and then I don't know. So I think this is a big curiosity for a lot of people of like how'd you introduce him or whatever and I was like you don't understand I would have people at my house almost every day. Right. So like we had 8,000 uncles or you know like all of Charles's friends would come over and help with yard work. I mean I had the best support system possible. of like how to reduce it or whatever. I want to have people at my house almost every day. So like we had eight cows and I was like, or you know, like all of True's friends would come over and help with the work. I mean, we only have me as a support assistant possible. Or his friends from high school come visit and my brother's would come ⁓ So like at the beginning, that was just another like friend coming over. or his friends from high school would come visit, my brothers would come visit. So at the beginning, that was just another friend coming over. It was no different than anybody else coming over to help mommy. And then he started hanging out more and more and more, so they kind of got used to him. Charlie was too little to ever really explain anything to. He didn't know any different. You know, was no different than anybody else coming over to Alhambra, know? ⁓ then he started to get more more and more, so they kind of got used to him. And can, Charlie was too little to ever really explain anything to him. He's never known anybody. Fortunately and unfortunately. ⁓ So with Kinsey, I just. He's never known any different, fortunately and unfortunately. So with Kinsey, I vividly remember it was the week before Sean proposed. And I knew he was going to. He's like, thinks I didn't. We always know. I feel like you have to talk about it when you have this many logistics in your life. You have to talk about it. I was like, we talked about every single thing. was the week before and I knew he's like things I did we always talk about it when you have I was like we talked about every like oh my god I said that my sister mom actually I was like listen and ⁓ my gosh. We got close real prizes in your life. Like even a good one. I said that. I said that to my sister-in-law. Actually, I was like, listen, and hit. wasn't related to her yet, but his sister-in-law too. was like, listen, I can't do another surprise. So y'all are going to have to tell me when this is because I need to have a good reaction. Like, like I can't be caught off guard and cry for the wrong reasons. And like, truly though, it was. I wasn't really sure yet. This is true. was like, listen, I can't do another surprise. So y'all are going to have tell me when this is because I need to have a good reaction. Like, can't be caught off guard and cry for the wrong reasons, y'all. like, though, was, you know, we had talked about everything in our design. You know, I think when I actually know when he asked my dad about it, they didn't have to talk. You know, we had talked about everything under the sun of, you know, I think when, or actually I know when he asked my dad about it and they went and had a big talk, my dad was like, so are you gonna adopt them? And he was like, yeah, that's the plan. You know, all these things. You have to get deep real quick when like little kids are involved. So it was I think a week before he proposed and we were at a birthday party. My dad was like, so are you going to adopt them? And he was like, yeah, that's the plan. You know, know, all these things. You have to get deep real quick and like little kids are involved. So it was, think a week before we proposed and we were at a birthday party and he'd come to like all the kids, little birthday parties and references and one of the little, he pulled up and one of their little friends goes, oh, Kinsley, look, there's your daddy. And he had come to all the kids' little birthday parties of our friends and stuff. And one of the little, he pulled up and one of their little friends goes, ⁓ Kinsey, look, there's your daddy. And every parent in the room looked at me and I was like, ⁓ and then I saw Kinsey's little wheels turning in her head and she didn't say anything. And then a couple hours later she goes, mommy, is Mr. Sean my daddy? And everything in the room looked at me and I was like... And then saw Kinsey's little wheels turning in her head. And she didn't say anything. then a couple hours later she goes, Mommy, is this Trish on? And he was kind of sitting there. Well, no, but if you want her to be, might be. Maybe one day, if you like that idea. She goes... And he was kind of sitting there and I go, well, no, but if you want him to be, he might be maybe one day if you like that idea. She goes, I think I'm going to start calling him daddy. And I was like, we weren't even engaged. I was like, oh God. Don't be scared, John. Literally she went to sleep and I go, you can't leave me now. I go, you can not leave me. He's, I'm not, I'm not. And I was like, was like, think we're gonna start calling daddy. I was like, oh god. I was like, you can't leave me now. I was like, it's done. Like, you just got engaged right now. know if you knew this. There wasn't a ring, but like, this was the moment that we got engaged. I was like, now it's, now it's done. She was like, you did. Come on. She was like, I would like you to be around a little bit more often. I was like, same girl. It's done. Like we just got engaged right now. I don't know if you know this. wasn't a ring, but this was the moment that we got engaged. Cause I was like, now it's here. was like, we need to come on. She's like, I would like him to be around a little bit more often. I was like, same girl, I some help. So yeah, I mean, was just a natural, there was never a big conversation about it. It was a natural progression that seemed very, Yeah, I mean, was just a natural, there was never a big conversation about it. was a natural progression that seemed very organic. then a year after we got married, we officially adopted them. And we had like a big party with all of our friends and family. It was so fun and quite the best day. organic and then a year after we got married, ⁓ he officially adopted them and we had like a big party with all of our friends and family and it was so fun and like the best day and now I have a third baby. Yes. Did they take his name or did they? No. Have a Thursday. Yes. Did they take time or did they? No. I've been working on it a lot. In Georgia, I have clients for every state. But if you change their name to like their adopted name, and have a first name, it will change. Yeah. And I didn't love that. They take Charles off the first name do it, because he's their first one. ⁓ I went back and forth on it a lot and, ⁓ in Georgia, I don't know how it is for every state, but if you change their name to like their adoptive dad's name on the birth certificate, it will change. And I didn't love that. Like taking Charles off the birth certificate, cause he's their birth father. Right. And especially cause Charlie's a junior and Charlie's a junior. And so I just was like, if they want to change their names later on in life, go for it. I'm Charlie's engineer and so I just was like, if you want to change your name to something you're on in life, go for it. It's a great special. Like, Kelsey's already mentioned it, which is sick. So I'm like, I love that. Let's wait till we're little older and talk about it again. Because it is kind of confusing with like school emails. But, you know, I just, didn't want to make that decision. I think that's why. And I do feel like it's a bit different for girls. think that's a great solution. Like Kinsey's already mentioned it. She's six. And I'm like, I love that. Let's wait till you're a little older and we'll talk about it again. Cause it is kind of confusing with like school emails, I will say. But you know, I just, didn't want to make that decision for them. I think that's wise. And I do feel like it's a bit different for girls. This, some people may roll their eyes and say, this is like very traditional of me, but like, you know, Kinsey might change her name one day anyway when she gets married. This is the moment I rolled her eyes. This is a very traditional of me. But, you know, you can name one day, you can name the Mary. Whereas for a man, like a bear, you know, it's kind of her name for life if you want it to be. And again, the third. So yeah, I this is, I already see them making the same mistakes. But also, Charlie's never even known another flower. So I could be talking about one. I don't know. Whereas for a man, if they're, you know, it's kind of their name for life if they want it to be. And then he could have like a Charlie the third or whatever. So yeah, I think it's just, I already see them making two different decisions. But also Charlie's never even known another father. So I could be totally wrong. I don't know. And they call Charles angel daddy. Yeah. So I mean, they ask and And they call Charles Angel Daddy. So, I mean, they ask, we talk about Angel Daddy all the time. He's a hawk. He's the second child. We talk about Angel Daddy all the time. He comes to visit us. He's a hawk. He's the sunshine. ⁓ He watches over us all the time. recently, Kinsey has missed him a little bit more. So we've had to deal with that. And that's going to be a lifelong thing. And it's something that no one can prepare you for. And again, there's no one to ask. you know, recently, you know, something ⁓ that ⁓ There's no guidebook on this. There's no one-on-one book for this. It's just day by day. It's been like that regarding grief with children is so different because it seems to fall away without feeling better because I go through waves and I'll be... There's no guidebook. There's no guidebook on this. There's no like one-on-one book for this. So it's just day by day still, I think. And it always will be like that regarding like grief with children is so different because it seems to fall right when I'm feeling better. Cause I go through waves and I'll be the day I'm better after a griefy couple days or something, and she'll just be bawling, crying. The day I'm back, I'll on my see you in a couple days or something. And she'll see all my green. I mean, it's just, it's gonna be hard forever. In some ways that's, I mean, this is me looking from the outside in. know, yeah. In some ways that's good, because then at least you aren't in your grief at the same time and you can be there for her and like, be more supportive and like, be that strength, but I don't know, I there's no good. It's just gonna be, it is what it is. And I tell them all the time, I'm like, yeah, you're so lucky, you... I mean, it's gonna be hard right now. In some ways that's... I mean, this is me looking at the outfit. In some ways that's good because then least you are here with me at the same time. can be there for her. You know, sometimes I'm gonna be be that strength. I don't know, I mean... Yeah, it's really good. It's just gonna be easy for this. Yeah. And I hope that you're still lucky. You have two daddies. have two daddies that love you, one that watches over you from the sky all the time, and then one that's here to wrestle and play and take you to movies. They're at a movie right now. And so that's how I kind of talk about it with them at this age. I think each age will be different, but right now I try to talk about it in a happy way because they just don't need that right now. They're just too little. love you, one that watches a movie from the sky all the time and that one that's here to like wrestle and play and take you to movies. You know, they're at a movie right now. They're at Kameenah. And so that's how I kind of talk about it with them at this age. I think each age is different, but right now I try to talk about it in a happy way because they just don't need that right now. Like they're just too little and they don't really understand. and they don't really understand it. And so I don't need them to be like more upset than they already are. And as they get older, we'll talk more about it and all that, Let them have like the joy and the happy while they can, because I'm sure that it will come, you know, as they get older and they understand and they'll. They're going to grow up a little bit. And you'll reprocess. Yes. And I think like they had to grow up. And so I don't need more upset than they already are. And as they get older, we'll talk more about it and all that. Let them have the joy and the happy while they can because I'm sure that it will come as they get older and they understand the whole process and you'll reprocess. Yes. And I think they had to grow up quicker than others in their creative. ⁓ quicker than others in their grade and they had a different, you know, first three, four years of life than all their friends and I don't want to put any more of that on them. Like right now we're in a phase of life like let's just focus on all the good things happening in our life and it's just a not right now time. Yeah. you know, first three, four years of life and all their friends. I don't want to put any more of that on you. Like right now we're in a phase of life like let's just focus on all the good things happening in our life. it's just a matter of time. Yeah. Well, last thing I want to say, and then I want to talk about how you're chilling, decided to have Elizabeth. Well, last thing I wanted to say, and then I want to talk about how you and Sean decided to have Elizabeth. I love this one. I remember when I texted you about doing this and I think maybe we had texted and then it had fallen off. And then one morning I was sitting in my office and I was like, I need to text Julie again and like follow up with her. And as I was writing the text, was like trying to think about what to say. And I look at my window and a hawk ⁓ flew and sat on the light like I remember when I texted you about doing this and I think maybe we had texted and then it had fallen off and then one morning I was sitting in my office and I was like, I need to do this Julia get all up and there. And as I was writing this I was like trying to think about what to say. And I look at my window and a hawk flew and sat on the light like on our deck and like, which is like, I love it with my window. And I've never seen this hawk around our house. Flew and on our deck and like, which is like, I love it with my window and I've never seen this hawk around our house flew and sat there and like looked at me as I like have my text messages open to text you. He's creepy like that. I took a picture and I was like, didn't say the time, but I was like, I feel like this is Charles being like, you have my blessing to like talk about this, like go on the podcast. I was like, Oh my God, this is so crazy. Like gives me chills. Like it's wild. was wild. He shows up. there and like looked at me as I have my text messages open to text you. He's creepy like that. I took a picture and I was like, I didn't say that. was like, this is trial is saying like, you have my blessing to talk about this. I was like, oh my God, this is so crazy. It was wild. He shows up always. It is crazy. If I'm in a depressive state. always at the right time. It is crazy. If I'm in a depressive state, ⁓ I don't like to leave the house. So like if I'm not feeling well and I leave the house for like a social event, he'll fly like almost into my car, like proud of you, you know, and just every time we're in the backyard playing a hawk will fly by. mean, every time I'm on the interstate, cause he got in a wreck on the interstate that I'll see a hawk every single time. And I'm like, I don't like to the house, so like if I'm not feeling well and I leave the house for like a social event, fly like almost in my car like, proud of you! You know, love that. And just every time we're in the backyard playing a hop of fly by, I mean every time I'm on the internet, because he got an email from me saying that I'll see a hawk every single time. And I'm like, I don't think other people see a hawk. Like, it helps like... I don't think other people see a hawk like this. don't think hawks fly close to the interstate I don't think they do. One time it was sitting on the side of the road, like not on the wood side, in the median side, just a huge hawk sitting there as I drove by. And I was like, did anyone see that? There was a hawk. I'm driving 70 miles an hour. It's crazy. I mean, we could do a whole other podcast episode about this because I get all kinds of crazy signs from my dad as well, who's on the other side. And yeah, it's absolutely him. I don't think we do. Moms are really sitting on the side of the road, like, not on the wood side, the median side, just a huge rock sitting there is like, did anyone else see that? There was a phone going through the door. It's crazy. I mean, we could do a whole other podcast episode about this because I get all kinds of crazy signs from my dad as well on the other side. yeah, it's absolutely... yeah, he's made it clear. ⁓ Oh yeah. I mean, he's made it clear as day. I have so many good stories about that. That could be a whole hour. need to, yes. After this, let's refill the wine glasses and keep going. Yes. Yes. Refill after that story. But okay. So speaking of happy things. Yes. So when you and Sean knew that it was going to be for real long-term, did you immediately know you wanted to have another baby with him? I have so many stories about that. That could be a lot. We need to, yes, after this, let's refill the wine glasses in. Yes! Yes, refill after that story. Yes. okay, so speaking of happy things. Yes. So when you and John like knew that it was going to be for real long term, did you immediately know you wanted to have another baby with him or? Yes. Yeah. I always wanted three anyway. Yes. Yeah. I had always wanted three anyway. Yeah. ⁓ ⁓ didn't have kids of his own and like, I can feel the love he has for Kinsey and Charlie and isn't discounting that, but I felt like it was important for us to have another baby just us two so he see it from the start. Yeah. Experience. You know, cause I mean, Charlie was one and a half when we started dating, but like it's so different watching ⁓ And he didn't have kids of his own. I can feel the roughness of the entirely. And this is the miscounting that, but I felt like it was important for us to have another baby just us two. So he could see from the start. Yeah, I experienced that. I mean, Charlie was born out of that. started dating, but it's so different watching the pregnancy happen on the birth and then the postpartum and it's the pregnancy happen and then the birth and then the postpartum and it's like, I felt like that would help him be a better dad for them too because he can understand it from, ⁓ my gosh, she did all this like by herself. And then no wonder she feels this way about this little. I felt like that would be a better guy for them too because he can understand it from, my god, he did all this by herself and then no wonder she feels this way about this little, them writing their names. You know what I mean. And so, and it happens, he gets it now. them writing their name, you know what I mean? And so, and it has, like he gets it now, you know? And so, and Elizabeth, I truly feel like she was just brought to this earth to be like sunshine and rainbows. She's so stinking cute. She's so cute and she's so funny. And I swear it's when it's like days when life, just feels heavy or. And so, and Elizabeth, I truly feel like she was just brought to this earth to be like sunshine and rainbows. She's so cute. She's so cute. And she's so funny. I swear it's like days when life just feels heavy or so much going on. She's just so funny and makes us all laugh. And the two older ones love her. And it's just great. It's just great. I just feel. So much going on and she's just so funny and makes us all laugh. And the two older ones love her. And it's just great. It's just great. I just feel like it was the exact right timing. ⁓ I mean, we had her nine months after we got married. ⁓ Spoiler alert. ⁓ But it was, that's what we needed. Like that's what our little family needed to feel complete. like it was the exact right timing. I mean, we had her nine months out from the night. Spoiler alert. But it was, that's what we needed. Like that's what our team needed to feel complete. we were ready. Yeah. And I feel like too, you know, A, when you're older and B, when you've been through a lot of shit. Yeah. We're like, not messing around, right? What was we waiting? Yeah. And you were connected. And I feel like too, know, A, when you're older and B, when you've been through a lot of shit, you're like, we're not messing around. Right. What's the point in waiting? You know, let's keep living life. Let's do all the things we want to do. Let's have this baby that we want to have. what? Yeah. Let's do it. And we were like, we're already in the thick of it. Let's just be in the thick of it and keep treading. Yeah. And one day we'll come up for air. Yeah. One day. You know, right? Let's keep living life. Let's do everything we want to do. Let's have this baby that we want to have. what? Yeah. Do it. And we were like, we're already in the thick of it. We're like, just be in the thick of it and keep trending. Yeah. And one day we'll come up for it. Yeah. One day. No, she's a spitfire. That pregnancy was awful, even though the other ones weren't that bad. And so I would joke that it was Shawn's fault. She's a spitfire. That pregnancy was awful, even though the other ones weren't that bad. so I would joke. I would joke that it was John's fault. he'd be like, okay, that's not funny. I'm going go to some dark side. Yeah, you don't even know. I'm like, you know, you knew I was going to say that. And he would be like, okay, that's not funny. I'm like, you know, I just have a dark sense of humor. Yeah. You know, you know what you signed up for. I'm like, you know, you knew I was going to say that at some point. but yeah, I, again, like when we were talking about this at the beginning, I was like, I don't think I've ever even talked about Elizabeth's birth to anyone either because it was like, ⁓ third baby. Right. Yeah. But yeah, again, when we were talking about this in beginning, I was like, I don't think I've ever talked about this or any other because it was like, oh, for a baby, right? Hey. Yeah. I didn't even have a meal train set up. I texted one of my friends, it was like, can you set up a meal train for me? It's a giant. Yeah. I had two toddlers. I didn't even have a meal train set up. And I texted one of my friends. I was like, hey, it was like three weeks postpartum. And I was like, can you set up a meal train for me? Like, we're dying over here. I had two toddlers and a newborn in the middle of the summer. So they weren't in school. ⁓ god. And my mom's the same way. She's like, you got this at this point. And I was like, do I? She's like, you've done harder things. was like, yes. And everybody was like, you've done harder things. And I was like, OK, but like. and then newborn in the middle of the summer. So they weren't in school. Oh God. And my mom's saying, she's like, look at this at this point. Yeah. She's like, you've done harder things. Yes. that's what everybody was like, you've done harder things. And I was like, OK, but like, I'm dying. And also, just because you've done harder things doesn't mean that this is an art. Yes. Oh my gosh. I'm dying. And also just because you've done harder things doesn't mean that... This isn't hard. Yes. ⁓ my gosh, we've never been more tired. ⁓ my god. But it was, it was, it's something to look back on. I mean, this, if this isn't third kid vibes, I don't know what is. She's born June 29th and we were at the 4th of July pool party on July 4th. I remember seeing that and being like, wow. She was three days old. Yeah. Three and a half days old. Yeah. But it it was, it's something to look back on. this, this isn't a very good vibe thing, she's born in July, June 29th, and we were at the 4th of July pool party on July 4th. I remember seeing that and being like, she's three days old. Three and a half days old. Everyone came up to us and I was like, I mean, what were we supposed to do? Like, these two, how are we supposed Everyone came up to us and I was like, I mean, what were we supposed to do? Like these two Hellions over here wanted to go and we're running around our house and we had to get out of the house. Like you don't have a choice. Yes. Yes. I totally relate to that with the second it was like that for me. Yes. And we haven't got an app for that. You don't have a choice. Yes, I totally relate to that. With the second it was like that for me. Yes. I mean, I imagine that this was, it was. So leading up to her birth, I mean, I imagine that like this was, it was really complex for you knowing that you were heading into, you'd be heading into postpartum again. And the last time you were in postpartum was horrible. I had severe PTSD. Yeah. Severe. Yeah. I, there was a three month span during my pregnancy that I didn't leave the house at all. really complex for you knowing that you were heading into, maybe heading into this room again and the last time you ran into this part of it was horrible. had severe PTSD. Yeah, severe. There was a three month span for my pregnancy that I didn't have at all. I would like carpool in the morning, struggle with, but I don't- ⁓ I would do like carpool, I think, in the mornings, drop them off, but I had other people pick them up. Like I couldn't move. Which I thought, I was kind of really preparing for postpartum. was kind of like warning, I guess, friends and family and be like, hey, be ready, you know, like, I don't know what's going to happen. ⁓ But it was, I think the leading up to it that was so hard instead. The anticipation? Yes. like I could move. Which I thought was really comparing to postpartum, and it was kind of like, more like, I guess, around the time I came in right now. don't know how happened. But it was like, the leading up to it was the hard, it's been. The medication? Yes. And just like, I wasn't having any more medication, by the way. You know, like. And just like, I wasn't on my normal medication, by the way. I had severe depression anyway. I had severe depression anyway. I wouldn't let Sean go anywhere. He didn't, he normally travels for work too. Yay, I married another traveler. That was smart. But after she was born, he canceled all of his trips for like the first three months or so. In preparation to like, we tried to prepare as much as possible. Like I had my therapist on call. I had a lot of people like, I wouldn't let John go anywhere. He didn't, he normally travels so much. Yeah, he another traveler. That was smart. But after she was born, he canceled all of his trips for like the first three months or so ⁓ in preparation to do what we, we try to do here as much as possible. Like ⁓ I have my clinic, it's not called. checking in on me. ⁓ But it was the pregnancy, think, that hit the hardest. Because pregnancy's hard anyway. It's so hard on your body. It's so hard on your body. was older. Yeah. I'd been through trauma. I went into early labor at 22 weeks. ⁓ my gosh. Did you get put on bed rest? So I was supposed to be on bed rest, but I have two toddlers. So about that. So not really. ⁓ checking back. But it was hard. Because pregnancy is hard anyway. Yeah. I went into early labor for 22 weeks. Oh my gosh. So it's supposed to be on bed rest, but I have to talk about that. So not really. Then I started bleeding heavily at like 30 weeks. then, but this was the only ⁓ baby that came without an induction. So that was, you know, we'll take a win. We'll take a win where we can get it. And I will say I was thinking about it this morning before I came here and I was like, that is the main difference in how my labor and birth went with her was solely Then I started reading heavily like 40 weeks. then, but this was the only baby that came out. That was, you know, we'll take a look at it. And I will say I was thinking about it this morning. That is the main difference in how. Was fully. trusting my gut and intuition, which I didn't do with the first two. Because I didn't know what I was doing. And I was like, that's a blessing with a third is Sean was like very in awe, I guess. He was like, you literally were telling the doctors what to do. That's amazing. By the end of it, because I was like, I just knew. trusting my gut and intuition, which I didn't do for the first two. Because I didn't know what to do. And I was like, that's a blessing with a third is Sean was like very in awe, I guess. was like, literally were telling the doctor to do it. It's amazing. By the end of it, I was like, I just knew it was weird. It was weird. And I think because of everything that I had been through, I trust my intuition a lot more than like what it says on paper. ⁓ So that I had been in false labor for months, months. it's like, still you would think at with a third pregnancy, you know, you're doing you don't know. No, no clue. Everyone's different. Everyone. They were all so different. So it was hard for me to know if it was real or not. ⁓ And I think because of everything that I had been through, I trusted my intuition a lot more than what it said in my paper. So I had been in false labor for months. Yeah. Months. So it's like, still you think that with a third person you know you're doing it. No. No. Everyone's different. Everyone. They were all through different levels. So it was hard for me to know if it was real or not. But I just woke up and I was like, I think I was having back cramps, which were different in the first two. ⁓ and it was just kind of like a slow, steady pain, like a slow, steady cramp and not like anything I could time. Like a wave. Right. But it was Saturday. This is how your mind works when you have two other toddlers. It was Saturday. ⁓ and I didn't feel good and I was 38 weeks and I was like, ⁓ But I just woke up and it was like, I think I was having back cramps, which were different from the first two. And it was just kind of like a slow, steady pain, like a slow, steady cramp, and not like anything at the time. like a wave. Right. But it was Saturday. This is how you remind yourself. have two other times. It Saturday. And I didn't feel good. And that was 38 weeks. And I was like, ⁓ Well, this would be good timing because, um, our brother and sister-in-law could come over and watch our kids until my mom got in town. Like, I think this is a good day to go in. Yeah. seems like I've just sickly sound. Yes. I was like, I don't feel great. And something's just telling me it's today. I don't know what it was. I was like, I think it's the day. So we go in, we check in at like 1230 to the hospital and I'm. This would be good timing because our brother-in-law could come over and watch our kids and put my mom and dad in town. I was this is a good day to go in. Yeah. was like, I know we're going to be great. And something was just telling me it's today. Yeah. I don't know what it was. It was like, I think it's the day. So we go in, we check in at like 1230 to the hospital. I'm in a good amount of pain, but also again, because of what I've been through, I'm like, what is physical pain? I don't know. I'm fine. They're like, are you good? I'm like, I'm good. Full contractions. Like once they put you on the monitor, full huge contractions. And she was like, do you feel that? And I was like, kinda. She was like, what? The nurses were stouted. was like, I don't, you know. Yeah, it's a long story. It's a long story. It's a lot of trauma there. was like, it feels like nothing. I'm in a good amount of pain, also, again, because of what I've been through, I'm like, what is physical pain? I don't know. I'm fine. They're like, are you good? I'm like, I'm good. Full contractions. once they put you on the monitor, full, huge contractions. And she's like, do feel that? don't think I do. She's like, what? The nurses were scouting. was like, I don't know. Yeah, it's long story. It's a long story. It's a lot of trauma. It feels like it. Okay. So they almost sent me home because I was four and a half centimeters instead of five. Okay. Was five like the cutoff they told you? Yes. They were like, well, we can't keep you unless you're five centimeters and contracting every three minutes. And I was like, well, I'm contracting every three minutes and I'm four centimeters. Right. So I think I'll wait here. Yeah. Okay. So they almost sent me home because I was four and a half centimeters. With five like the cutoff? Yes. like we can't keep you unless you're five centimeters and contracting every three minutes. And I was like one contracted every three minutes and four centimeters. Right. So I think I'll wait here. Yeah. Because they were about to send me home and if I had it in my first round, I would been like Cause they were going to send me home. if, it been my first pregnancy, it would have been like, ⁓ darn, okay. You know, I don't know. I guess I'll go home. thank God I didn't. Was this North side? Yes. And I was like, no, I'm going to stay here. This is my third baby. You send me home by the time I get home and come back and check back in and do all this shit that just took me an hour and a half. I'll have a baby in the car. That's so insane to me that like, I mean, it's so insane. Like the I No, I don't know. I guess I'll call my So thank God I did. And I was like, no, I'm just stay here. This is my third baby. You're sending me home by the time I get home and come back with the second baby. I'll have a baby in the car. That's so insane to me. I mean, it's not insane. Like, all using it later. I was in the limber. You were obviously in labor. I was in labor and they should look at my chart and be like, she already has had two pregnancies. this will come quick. Right. That was wild to me. my mom had just gotten to the hospital and she was like, ⁓ you're not going home. You're in labor. I was like, I know. It was. You're telling me. Yeah, you're telling me. ⁓ So I felt totally fine. I was laboring for a couple hours there. It was maybe mid-afternoon. They should look at my chart and be like, he already said two babies. Like this will come quick. Right. That was wild. And my mom had just got to the hospital and she was like, oh, really? So how am I supposed to It was your time. Yeah, your time. So I felt totally fine. I was leaving for a couple hours and they come rushing in. And they come rushing in and they're like, how do you feel? And I was like, I feel fine. The baby's heart rate was like 300 or something insane. So they immediately broke my water and they're like, well, good thing you were here. Yeah. Whose idea was that? Everyone, you're welcome. Can we just take a minute? Because I felt totally normal and I, I They're like, how many do you I'm like, so funny. The baby's about, right? 300. So they, they're like, daughter. And they're like, don't they know you're here? Yeah. Whose idea was that? Everyone, you're welcome. Let me just take a minute. Because I look really normal and I, Shawn and I talked about this so many times. was like, what if we had gone home already? And I. Sean and I have talked about this so many times. I was like, what if we had gone home? And I wouldn't have felt any different. And her heart rate was going crazy because she was ready to come out. I wouldn't have felt any different. And her heart rate was going crazy because she was ready to come out. And you didn't have an epidural or anything at this point. you're still feeling everything. So they break my water. ⁓ I get an epidural. So they're like, yeah, you're staying. No shit. and the epidural does not work. And I'm like, yeah, that's not working. I feel everything. I hate life. So they come back, they do another one, which if you haven't had an epidural, it's a long needle. Don't love it. ⁓ So they break my water, I get another girl, so they're like, no shit. And the other girl just not working. Yeah, that's important. I get another thing, I get like, so they come back, they do another one. Like, if you haven't had another girl, so long, you don't love it. Not my favorite thing, but it's a good outcome. And my labor with her was quick, thank goodness, but really intense. was in my, I guess heart rate or ⁓ my vitals were just all over the place. And I was in between either passing out or throwing up the whole time. So I'd go like, Sean, get the nurse. And I'd like fall back. ⁓ Just very... Not my favorite thing, but it's a good outcome. And my labor was quick, goodness, but really intense. was in my, I guess heart rate, my vitals were just all over the place. And I was thinking about what I was doing the whole time. So I'd go like, fall back, just very. Very out of it and just kept passing out. Yeah. ⁓ like freaking out. That's scary. He doesn't remember it. Yeah. Yeah. So I think probably, yeah, he's like blacked it out. Yes. he remembers it being so casual and normal. Okay. In compartmentalizing. Great. You do, you think what you want to think. And there was a five minute span. Again, this is where just like intuition kicked in where Very out of passing out. He doesn't remember it. Yeah. Yeah. Do I think probably? Yeah. Yes. He remembers it being so casual and okay. You do you think what you want. And there was a five minute span. Again, this is where just like intuition kicked in. Where I wasn't nauseous and I didn't feel like it was going to pass out. And so I called the nurse and I go, I feel like I should push right now while I am conscious. Literally quote unquote. I feel like I should push since I'm conscious right now. And she was like, ⁓ okay, I'll see if the midwife is here to like check you. They come, they weren't going to come back for like two hours to check me. She comes in, she's like, ⁓ you're 10 centimeters. It's like, I looked at everybody in the room. was like, of course I am. You're welcome. I wasn't conscious that I want to pass out. So I called the nurse and well, I feel like I should push right now while I'm conscious. Literally, pull that button. I feel like I should push since I'm conscious right now. And she was And she was like, OK, I'll see you at the midwife's. I'll you there. I'll check you. They want me to come back in like two hours. She comes in. She's like, oh, you're two centimeters. I looked at everybody in there and I'm like, of course I am. You're welcome. You're And how long has this been from when you got there? ⁓ This was maybe 7 p.m. 730. And we got there at noon. Yeah, so pretty quick. Very quick. And I pushed for a solid six minutes. she came right out. ⁓ And how long is this like when you got there? This was maybe 7 p.m. 730 and we got there at noon. Yeah, so pretty quick. Very quick. And I pushed for a solid six minutes. And she came right out. Sean pulled her out. let her, they let him. Sean pulled her out. They let him pull her out. Good for him for wanting to do that. It was very cool. And they filmed it. And then I look back at the video footage, and you can hear the nurse say, turn off the camera. And she's blue. She comes out fully blue and not crying. And they immediately take her away. I, you know, adrenaline, because I was about to pass out again. I was like, I gotta push one out of my conscience. So I was like, I gotta push while I'm conscious. I ended up hemorrhaging and lost half my blood. So while I'm hemorrhaging, I'm trying to stay awake and not pass out until she cries. And then I hear her cry and they're like, she's good, she's good. And I go. And you were gone. Yeah. I'm gone. And then after that, everything was smooth sailing. After all of that. ⁓ I ended up hemorrhaging and lost half my blood. So while I'm hemorrhaging, I'm like trying to stay awake and not pass out until she cries. And then I hear her cry and they're like, he's good, he's good. And then I go. I'm gone. And then after that, everything was coming to sailing. You know, after all of this. After all of this, if you've listened from the beginning, just after that, after the past five years. Oh my god. So anyway, no, she was fine after that. And you were okay. And you know, yeah, I just. Did you have to get a transfusion or anything? I don't remember. Yeah. You know? Yeah. No, I don't think I did. Okay. And then I had post-clampsia. Oh. Yeah. If you've listened from the beginning, just after that, after the past five years. god. So anyway, no, she was fine after that. you know, yeah, I just, did you just get a transfusion or anything? I don't remember. You know, I don't think I did. And then I had post-cancer. Oh. Yeah. So I had the baby, I got home. Wow. So I had the baby. got home a week after we got home. I started swelling up like a balloon. I could not open my eyes. My feet, like you see my feet, they're pretty bony. Pretty slender. ⁓ could not, I mean balloon. This, okay. Talk more about this. Cause this is something that people don't know a lot about. And it's a weird, ⁓ like fear of mine that I've always had that I would have post-acclaims. Yeah. I did not know it was a thing. I did not know it was a thing. And A week after we got home, I started swelling up like a balloon. I could not open my eyes. My feet, like, you see my feet, they're pretty bloated. Could not, I mean, out. This, okay, talk more about this, because this is something that people don't know a lot about. It's the weird, like, fear of mine that I've always had, that I would have to face to face I did not know it was a balloon. Yeah. I did not know it was a balloon. And I couldn't figure out what was going on. I couldn't figure out what was going on. was chugging water. I was so hydrated. I was not eating that much sodium. And I was like, this has never happened to me before. And it was awful. And it took, I'd say like two months to go down, like to go down to even where I looked like I was nine months pregnant again. Wow. Did you have to go to the hospital? Because it can be life threatening. I was so hydrated, I was not eating that much sodium, and I was like, this has never happened to me before. And it was awful, and it took, I'd say like two months to go down, like to go down to even where I looked like I was nine months pregnant again. Did you have to go that far? Well, because can be life threatening. Yes, I'm an idiot. I did not. I was downplaying a lot and finally went... Yes, I'm an idiot and did not. I was downplaying it a lot and finally went into the doctor and by that point they're like, well, you're doing all the right things. yeah, you should have come in maybe like three weeks ago. like, right, so I have three babies at home and it's summer. That wasn't an option. I'm here now. Was your blood pressure high when they, oh my god. by that point you're like, well, you're doing all the right things. But yeah, you should come to me and tell me about your disability. Right, so I have three babies at one time. So that wasn't enough. I'm here now. There was blood pressure. I mean, there's like maybe two or three pictures of me that whole month because I didn't want to go anywhere because I was so embarrassed. I thought that... I mean, there's like maybe three pictures to me that hold life because I didn't want to go anywhere because I'm so embarrassed. thought that... was like, why am I gaining? I thought I was just gaining weight from breastfeeding. I don't know what I thought. But it definitely wasn't normal. gained, I looked bigger three weeks postpartum than I did nine months pregnant. Yeah, that's definitely not normal. no. So that was interesting and not ideal. That'll be the title of this. Not ideal. None of this is ideal. No. was like, why am I gaining? I thought I was just gaining weight from breastfeeding. I don't know what I thought. But it definitely, I gained a little too big of a really exposed part of it. I didn't die from the part. Yeah. No, no. So that was interesting. Yes. And not ideal. That'll be the title of this. Not ideal. None of this is ideal. No. To say the least. To say the least. Not ideal. But Elizabeth is here. But she's here and she's perfect and so silly and funny and I would do it all over again. know? And besides the post-eclampsia, I mean, I think I remember you saying this, that you were like, ⁓ this is what postpartum is supposed to be like. Yes. It can be beautiful and happy and you can have a teammate and obviously you experience that with Kinsey too, but. Do you say this to say the least? I think I'm saying this, that you were like, this is what it was to be like. Like, it's gonna be beautiful, like happy, and you can have a teammate, and obviously you experienced that with Kinsey too, but. ⁓ But not, mean, yeah, but it was- Well, COVID though. Yeah. It was just, I think I was also very excited to have a third baby to enjoy it. Yeah. Cause I thought I was going to get that with Charlie. I was like, ⁓ my gosh, I can enjoy this one now because it's not COVID and it's not my first baby. And I got the hang on things and I didn't. Yeah. So the third time I was like, this is the one. Yes. Yeah, it was just, I think I was also very excited to a third baby to enjoy it. Yeah. Because I thought it was going to get out early. was like, oh my gosh, I'm going enjoy this right now because it's not COVID and got the hang of things and I did it. So the third time I was like, this is the one. We're going to enjoy this baby. And I was like, I'm not going to work. I work. we're going to enjoy this baby. And I was like, I'm not going to go back to work right away. I am staying home. I'm not sending her to daycare at 10 weeks. You know, I'm, and she's still home with me. Like I can't let it go. Cause I'm like holding on to what I didn't get to experience with the first two. And it's so nice. It's so nice. I'm so glad you have that. I get to redo it. And it's like, I am staying home, I'm not sending her a daycare in 10 weeks. You know, I'm... and she's so home with me, like I can't let it go because I'm like holding on to what I did get to experience with the first two. And it's so nice. It's so nice. I'm so glad you have that. I get to redo it. It's like truly a blessing. I mean, I... ⁓ truly a blessing. mean, I know that word gets, I think, thrown around a lot, but like, just, you know, in all, I will say in all my hardships, fertility's not one, yay! You know, we have that. And she, you know, we didn't have to like stress about that part. And you know, so there's certain things where we gotta just look at the silver linings. that word gets around a lot, like, you know, in all, I will say in all my hardships, fertility is not one, you know, we have that. And she, you know, we didn't have to like stress about that part. you know, so there's certain things where we gotta just look at the silver linings. I'm sure some days it's easier for others to do it, but. Yes, that's for sure. I'm sure some days it's easier than others to do it, but. Yes, that's for sure. From where I'm sitting, you are doing an amazing job. Thanks. It has been a time. ⁓ It has been a time. I mean, it's funny when I go to my therapy sessions every now and then. ⁓ I think it was maybe early on, maybe six months in when I went. from where I'm sitting here. You're an amazing job. Thanks. It has been a time. It has been a time. I mean, it's funny when I go to my therapy sessions every now and then. I think it was maybe early on, maybe something, when I went in, I was in college now for the first, I had Kinsey and COVID and then Charlie. And I was like, well, you know, ⁓ had Kinsey in COVID and then Charlie had in COVID and then, ⁓ know, it was just kind of listing it all. ⁓ she goes, so you've been in trauma, like or flight survival mode for five years. ⁓ And I like, huh. ⁓ Yes. ⁓ ⁓ like, no wonder you're tired. Yeah. yeah. I a COVID and then, you know, was just kind of listing it off and she goes, oh, so you've been in trauma like fight or flight survival for five years. And I was like, yes. Yes. She's like, so now you're tired. Yeah. Oh yeah. Have you seen this video that's going around of Leigh-Anne Rimes? Yes. have you seen this video that's going around ⁓ of ⁓ leah and ryan yes the like yes and her jaw and she's just like i want that but i'm also kind of scared ⁓ the like adjustment and her jaw and she's just like, I want that. But I'm also kind of scared. I got it done. You did? Yes. Okay, so tell people what that was like. It wasn't as dramatic as hers, I will say. But so my jaw was like, I clinch at night. I'll get Botox injections to loosen up that muscle, all the things. And I went and got a massage one day and she was like, you know, I specialize in that. I got it done. You did? Yes. Wait, so tell people what this is. It wasn't as dramatic as I will say. But so my jaw was like, I clinch at night. I'll get Botox injections to loosen up that muscle at all times. I went and got a massage one day and she was like, you know, I specialize in that. And what's it called? It's called TMJ massage. I don't really... It's a special... And what's it called? It's called like TMJ Massage. don't... Release. It's a special... I don't know what it's called. ⁓ But she was like, I can do it for you next time if you want to. And I was like, okay. Yes. And the difference... I stopped getting migraines. My face was thinner. Like, cause it's like a chunk of like muscle that's tension and stress in there. ⁓ I was really sore. I don't know. But I can look right now because I could look at you. I was like, OK. And the difference, I stopped getting my face. My face was thinner. Because it's like a chunk of muscle that's tension and stress in the air. was really sore. It felt sore for like a week. And then I felt 10 pounds lighter. felt like it was a relief. I sore for like a week and then I felt 10 pounds lighter. I felt like it was a release of a weight off my shoulders but literally a weight off my head. Like the tension was gone immediately. ⁓ It was life changing. So now I got that two years ago. I get it once or twice a year. Okay, I need you to send me the information for the person. Yes, she does it out of her home. I'll send it to you. a weight off my shoulders, a weight off my shoulders. It was life changing. So now, going to take a picture of her. Yes, yes. She does it out of her house. It is fantastic. I think probably because she had 40 years built up, that was really her... ⁓ it is, it is fantastic. I think probably cause she had 40 years of built up that that was probably her, her reaction was a little bit more than mine was because I only had three years of whatever it was, know? ⁓ but it is. her reaction was a little bit more than mine was because I only had three years of support for her. It's legit, I will say. OK. A lot of people online were like, this is weird. And I can confirm. I believe it 100%. Yes. And she taught me how to do it at home a little bit. I'm not as good. But I'll do it at home once or twice a month for quote unquote upkeep so it doesn't get so bad again. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like a jaw massage that I'll do in the shower. So cool. I did it this morning. I love it. And it's just so. It's legit, will say. A lot of people online are like, this is weird and I can't confirm. I believe it 100%. Yes. And she taught me how to do it at home a little bit. I'm not as good, but I'll do it at home once or twice a month for like, unquote, upkeep so it doesn't get too bad. Yeah. And it's just like a job massage that I'll do in shower. So cool. Like I did it this morning. I love it. It's just so much better, I can't even tell you. Okay, I need to look at this. There's so many things that I've been doing that have existed, but now I'm like all the things. The woowoo stuff know. woo-woo therapy was hard, but I don't care. Vibration. Vibration, whatever works. I try or do or believe in it. I know, that's what I do. It does not hurt me at all to try something. when are you gonna go? I can't even tell you. Okay. I definitely need to look into this. Fascinating. know. There's so many things that I didn't even know existed that now I'm like all the things, the woo woo stuff, woo woo therapy, massage, God, I don't care. Vibration plates. Vibration plates, whatever works, I'll try or do or believe in any of it. I know. That's how I am too. I'm like, it does not hurt me at all to try something. No. So why not give it a go? Or to believe something, like if it makes me happy to believe that my dad is talking to me through like little signs and you know, who's that hurting? Nobody. No one. It's helping me. Nope. Yeah. Exactly. On the same way. So yeah. Well, I always like to bring it back to birth at the end. And so will you describe birth in three words? whatever comes to mind, like rapid fire. ⁓ orgasmic. ⁓ I love that. Wait, tell me more about why you say that. Or to believe something. I mean, to believe that my dad is talking to me through little signs and, know, who's that hurting? No one. It's all thinking. Well, I always like to bring it back to birth at the end. And so, will you describe birth in three words? Just whatever comes to mind, like rapid fire. orgasmic. Oh, I love that. Wait, tell me more about why you say that. There's no high like it. I've told so many people this and like I would chase that high all day. Even when it's bad, quote unquote, Even when it's bad or hard. There's nothing like it. The minute that baby comes out, you created a life and the hormone surge and the baby on your... It's addictive. It is addictive. I say all the time that I would totally give birth. there's no high like it. yeah. i've told so many people this. i'm i would chase that high all day. even when it's bad. even when it's bad. you there's nothing like it. like the minute that baby comes out you just did you created a lightness and the hormone surge and the baby on your like it's addictive. it is addictive. i say all the time that i would totally give birth. again and again, but I don't want to be pregnant, and I don't want to raise the kid, and I don't want to be a surrogate. I'll just give birth for that day. Yes. It is a high that's very addictive. It's And I can see why people have a lot of kids, because it's the best feeling in the world. Totally. I would say empowering and again and again, but I don't want to be pregnant and I don't want to raise them again. I don't want to be pregnant. I'll just give birth for that day. It is like a high bit. It's very addictive. I can see why people have high bits because that is, it's the best feeling in world. I would say empowering and spiritual. Yeah. Like I personally feel like it would be very hard not to believe in something bigger than us after you created a life. Yeah. And witnessing it and going through it, it solidifies a lot. Yeah. For me personally, it did. Yeah. You're not the only one to say that. Yeah. It's, I feel the same way. And also when you said spiritual, what came to mind for me was spiritual like I personally Feel like it would be very hard not to believe in something greater than us After you created the light and witnessing it and going through it solidifies a lot for me personally I'm not the only one to say that. I feel the same way and also when you said spiritual it came to mind for me was Like birth is this moment where the veil is kind of thin, right? Yes. Like you're literally bringing life into the world. Like it's just, yeah, it's wild. It's, it's, there's nothing like it and it's incredible. Yeah. It is the coolest thing in the world. Coolest thing I've ever done. For sure. For sure. ⁓ well, thank you so much for doing this. I acknowledge that it's not the easiest thing to talk about and I'm so appreciative that you. Like birth is this moment where the veil is kind of thin, right? Yes. Like you're literally bringing life into the world. Like it's just, yeah, it's wild. It's, it's, there's nothing like it. it's, yeah. It is the coolest thing in the world. Yeah. Coolest thing I've ever done. For sure. For sure. Well, thank you so much for doing this. I acknowledge that. It's not the easiest thing to talk about. I'm so appreciative that you- come and spend this time with me and talk about this. really am. Thanks. This was, you know, another part of the healing journey. Like it's one more thing that I hadn't talked about yet, which was nice for me, but also hopefully anybody who needs it will listen. So thank you. You're welcome. All right. You've been listening to the Arrivals podcast until next time. Yay. We the time to be in and talk about this. really am. This was, you know, another part of the journey. Yeah. It's one more thing that I hadn't talked about, which was for me, also hopefully anybody who needs that. Melissa. Welcome. All right. You've been listening to the right of the clock. Until next time. Yay! We did it. ⁓ thank you so much. did it! Oh, thank you so much.