Latest / Relationship Coaching Group Podcast / "Loving The Wrong Person Part" 2 of 2

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"Loving The Wrong Person Part" 2 of 2 · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to part two of loving the wrong person.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your host.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And in our last episode, we broke down what happens when your heart refuses to consult your logic and how we ignore the red flags because the chemistry is just that loud.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're gonna dive in a little deeper.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, first I'm gonna ask, please like and follow our channel.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And now I would like to say hello to my co-host, the Professor.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: How are you today, sir?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I am doing super duper.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am ready for the next part.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I really am.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: How bad you are.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I have to speak, give a big shout out to OMG.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: We had a massive return.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: People send us messages from the last episode.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: That was crazy.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even like expecting a big and all and nothing terrible.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: It was people saying, Oh my gosh, I didn't realize I was doing these things.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And some had just had questions.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: People had questions.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: We love the interaction.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And we answer every message, just to make that clear.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: We don't just read them, we return uh uh answers back to people's questions.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we definitely respond.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: We truly thank you.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh that was that was awesome.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: We we were enjoying it.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: We sat and we were having coffee coming through.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: We oh my god it was great.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It it was it was wonderful.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: We and we enjoyed we responding, answering questions, or listening to your comments.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It it was uh amazing.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: But I have to say, Roxanne got mad at me because my typing skills are really poor.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I type with two fingers, so she snatched the computer away and starting typing, responding back to questions because there were so many.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, we'll be here all day.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he uses his toes too, just just so you know.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just so you know.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's cold.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Get that picture in your head and try to take it out.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I do want to say this because there was someone who said that she not see the red flags, but she looked at the green flags and dismissed the green flags more than she did the red flags because she she dismissed those green flags because she took it as oh that's that's you know, he's he's a bit of a wimple or he's a simple, you know.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, and ign ignoring the the red flags and dismissing the the green flags.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, that's that's that won't make a healthy relationship.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I I did ask her permission, I'm not giving her a name, but she said that she was in this relationship for six months.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: And afterwards she realized what the heck after listening to the episode, yes, she said, What the heck am I doing?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sure she's listening now.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I hope she is.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: So big shout out to you, sweetie, and we are we are so proud of you that you finally start opening your eyes and looking at everything, taking in the data.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: We're very proud of you.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and looking at your well-being.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's that's mm, that's m numero uno.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Your peace of mind is worth a lot more.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, definitely.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not saying it's just men, because trust me, we've got I think we're split.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: We got from both men and women.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: We did.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so it it's it's not one or the other because people like to say, well, men do it more, women do it more.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right now it's kind of about split, but everybody has.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're talking about these things, we're not talking about the boss chick and all this stuff.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about people that are in relationships doing these things, um, making these bad mistakes, and not seeing what's out there.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: So we hope that it helps you.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: So take it away.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and the thing is, we've all been there.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: None of us have been, as as I said in the uh first um last week, it's a rite of passage where you realize, oh, this is not the right person for me.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that that's where growth comes in.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we're gonna be touching, touching uh a lot more on that.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I do want to say, because I I actually responded someone this way, don't take it as that you've failed or you're terrible at dating.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Take it as lessons learned so you take those things and up and apply it to your next relationship, things to look for and to do, but never look at things as you fail at this.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that you need to learn along the way.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: And don't put up a wall so you can't be loved.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: That good point, Professor.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're gonna talk more about loving the wrong person.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're we're diving into this is what we're gonna be diving into the exhaustion of holding on to someone who isn't holding on to you.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And how to finally break the cycle of choosing people who require you to lose yourself just to keep them.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what you just said.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You you you can't lose yourself in loving someone.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: We we we have a tendency to chain ourselves to that person, and then we can't break those chains.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And loving the wrong person doesn't make you foolish, kind of what you're saying.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you human, but staying after you know the truth, that's where we need to have an honest conversation.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's where we keep it real.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And again, as I said, no judgment.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we've we've all been there.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's how you how you grow and know what what you need.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And we're touching, uh, we're gonna be able to.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And and as coaches, we were not immune to these things.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: We've learned along the way.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: We've studied, we've learned, we've did all these things, and we're here to help you.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: No judgment.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: No judgment.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here we go.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're loving the wrong person when you have to pretend to be someone else.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, isn't that the truth?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Say that again.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're loving the wrong person when you have to pretend to be someone else.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: They want you to be a certain way, they want you to to do certain things.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: They and these are against what you are all about.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But you a lot of times we bend because we want that person, we want us, we want to be in that relationship.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna give you an example of one that um this one kind of broke my heart a little bit because it was like, wow, two different uh people from two different cultures and they were not willing to recognize that their different faiths and beliefs play a poor a big part in their relationship.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: One compromised, gave up their beliefs, or sub I'm not gonna say give up, subdued their beliefs in order to compromise.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Those are things that should have been discussed in the beginning.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: They got married under the other person's faith and only lasted less than a year.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: No that so those are things that we we've got to take into consideration.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't compromise on things because you want to be in that relationship.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because the wrong person can make you feel like you need a personality makeover just to be loved, or that you need to be swayed into their lifestyle or their environment, their their religion, or what what have you, their culture, let's say that their culture, um just to just to be loved.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because you you have choices.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: If you're compromising, then you have put yourself at risk.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because once you compromise once, you compromise again and again again.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then it gets to a point where you lose yourself.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that exact and you don't know who you are anymore.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: That and that was our our first point.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna touch more in into that.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you have to audition for your own relationship every day, that's not love.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's a reality show with no prize.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: You you you're you're auditioning, you're making sure that you do everything right, everything that they want you to do.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you lose yourself.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You do.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, don't lose yourself just to be loved or just to be in a relationship.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, if you're a happy-go-lucky person, you're always joyful, you wake up happy, you go through your day, and you're that type of person, then you shouldn't be involved in one of those that wakes up in the morning and goes, What's so good about it?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's then and then you you want to be with that person, but a person doesn't fit you.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: You compromise.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, they they I I can get them to be chirpy.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: I can get no, don't compromise.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: You want to be with someone who, when you're up in the morning early, they're up in the morning, they're with you.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we like to we like to ask, are you comfortable being yourself in the relationship?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: You have to ask yourself that.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you got a change for somebody, and this is who you are, you know, you you have a certain way of doing things, and you like doing then you're compromised and trying to change to fit someone else's narrative.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be comfortable being yourself.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not comfortable being yourself, and again trying to make yourself into this person that they want you to be, uh, that's not love, right, Professor?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's not love.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I I'm I'm gonna long, long time ago, when I was a young man, dated somebody, and they tried to change me to fit how their family is.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to wear a shirt and a tie and be all this, and and that's not who I am.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if anyone knows me, I'm a shorts and t-shirt and flip-flops.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: I wear a shirt and a tie or a suit when I'm working.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: But outside of that, I'm just a regular guy.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because outside of work, most people don't recognize me because I'm always wearing a suit.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: But this person wanted to change me, wanted me to fit into their family dynamics, their culture, their cm, and because they have a little bit of money, and so they, you know, wanted me to fit them.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's not who I was.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I almost lost myself in that.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, right.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Thinking because it was put to me that being around these people will help me.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: I almost believed that.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: I almost believe that.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And a good friend of mine said, if you have to change to fit their narrative, then who are you?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Again, losing yourself.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And and again, we've all been there because uh years uh about maybe 150 years ago, I was in uh a relationship.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: 152 years ago.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: 152, okay.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and same thing.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um if they didn't want to go somewhere, l let's say friends invited us for dinner, and if that if the uh the person I was seeing at that time, if if he didn't want to go, I didn't, I shouldn't want to go either.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh if uh anything that in anything that went on, if if they didn't want to take part, I was to not take part.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And finally I realized, wait a minute, this is like you're saying, Professor, this is not who I am.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love socializing, I love being around my friends and family.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And when I realized that this person was trying to take that away, cut it.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Cut it, stage left, off the door, no.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, one of our staff members, she was telling us that you know she's been dating this guy for a while and finally she goes to meet his family.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: And he told, because she has this wicked, affectious laugh.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: When she starts laughing, you gotta laugh.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And he told her, don't do any of your your crazy laughing around my family.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Don't don't do all that.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, Okay, well, then I'm not going.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I was so proud of her.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, but be yourself.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Be yourself.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do not change to fix someone else.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: If they don't like you, who you are, you know.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: If if someone's tall and they say, Well, you're too tall, you can't cut yourself down, can you?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm too short, I can't make myself high.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: So why people you want to be changed?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if there's something wrong with you, you're an alcoholic or something, or a drug user and they don't want and that's different.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: That is different.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: And they're trying to help you grow.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and be and be better.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if if you're wearing something and they want you to go to a party or something and say, Well, I think you should change into something different.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if that's what you're comfortable in and what you always wore around them, that type of clothing, then why are you changing to f to fit their people?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Be you.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And can you express yourself and express your needs without fear?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: These are the things can can you express yourself?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And do you feel accepted or constantly evaluated?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: You should not be uh if you're in a relationship, nobody should be evaluating you.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now knowing when love isn't enough to stay, that's this is huge.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably the hardest lesson.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving someone doesn't necessarily mean you stopped loving them.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you can love someone and still realize they're not your forever person.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even your favorite pair of shoes eventually begins to wear out.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Can I love someone from a distance?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that that that's hard.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving someone, and we touch we have a podcast when um leaving someone you still love.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the hardest part is leaving somebody.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because we want to especially when you love when when you have love for that.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're in a relationship for a year, maybe even less, and especially if you're the type of person that is jumped in two feet, arms and elbows, and you're truly in love with that person, it makes it even harder.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: It is, but but you gotta stop and like I said, stop evaluate, yes.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Evaluate everything.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And love isn't a license to tolerate disrespect.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, and sometimes leaving is an act of self-respect.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: I tell people all the time, if your name is Cindy, and that person calls you anything but Cindy, right?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Calls you a the um other name, the B-word, you know, anything outside anything outside of your name, right?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Anything outside of what your name is, then that's not the person for you.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because has your partner ever called you outside your name?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: You'd slap the monkeys out of them, wouldn't you?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's like what?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: You'd slap the monkey out of them, wouldn't you?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because uh again, knowing when to leave is sometimes it's an act of self-respect, self-love, self-care, self-nurturing, because you have to take care of yourself first.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you can you can appreciate what the relationship taught you without continuing the relationship.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again, Professor.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I because I really I really like you can appreciate what the relationship has taught you without continuing the relationship.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's growth in a relationship.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's where you grow.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: In a relationship, you you've got to grow in that relationship, but also growing in yourself, right?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Self-growth, definitely.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And don't confuse time invested with a reason to stay.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because too many people they oh my gosh.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't uh you might have a lot to say about that one.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, oh my gosh.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: People I know stay in relationships because, well, we've invested so much time, we've been together, we've done so much.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: We've done so much together.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: So because you've been in a relationship for a long time, does it mean that you should put up with the disrespect, the the mental, the physical abuse, whatever it is that's going on?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Time only makes it worse.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because being with the wrong person for five years isn't a good enough reason to stay in the relationship five more years.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of people stay in it because, well, I love them and we can make it work or all these things.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Or the time invested.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, time invested.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: If it's the wrong thing.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: If you've been on the job for five years and you get fired, do you go around and be like, but I've been here for five years, I've made so many good friends.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: No, you say, okay, well, you go look for another job.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: What's the difference?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or or if the job isn't giving, isn't valuing you, you leave.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't it helping you grow?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you say, Okay, it's time.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Same in the relationship.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Stop looking at the time as yes, it's an investment of your time and financial and whatever else that you've put into it, but there comes a point when you have to say how much more time I'm gonna put into it.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's like a business that's failing, and you go to the bank and you say, I need a loan for a million dollars because I'm gonna put that in my business.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: But your business is failing, the model or whatever, you're in the wrong level, whatever it is, it's failing.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: You put more money into it, it's a waste of money.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: So don't do it in a relationship.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And just like the same the example we gave about the job.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you know the job isn't helping you grow, if it's if it's you know, if it's demeaning, if it's not if it's not good for you, there are other jobs.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And just like other jobs, there are other people.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: So don't confuse time invested with uh being a reason to stay.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's like continuing to wear a pair of shoes that hurt your feet and gives you blisters, and you keep wearing them just because they're expensive.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right there.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: Did you get that?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: You've just hit uh touched a lot of women's nerves around that.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like continuing to wear a pair of shoes that hurt your feet, gives you blisters, and you keep wearing them just because they were expensive.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: I sorry, I gotta we're we we're gone out for dinner, and woman's taking off her shoes once she got into the restaurant, and she's like, Oh, my feet are killing me.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: And her feet were red and raw from these shoes, but because the shoes were cute.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, oh yeah, we we'll yeah, we'll squeeze our toes and shoes just to be cute.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And uh sometimes, you know, people continue to in a relationship is because, as we said, they've built so much together, maybe a business, maybe home, maybe family.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the fear starting over.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And another reason staying because you've invested so much.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: All these things that we uh touch bases on a f just a few minutes ago.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So why do why do we sometimes choose the wrong person?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have a I have a few.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Familiarity.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say that right?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, familiarity can feel like love.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's a tongue twister.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she's not being familiar with someone can make you feel like that this is love, or low self-worth can make unhealthy treatment seem normal, or the fear of being alone can make us settle.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we may confuse emotional intensity with intimacy.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to the words.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: We may confuse emotional intensity with intimacy, or sometimes we choose people who confirm what we already believe about ourselves.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: If we believe we're not worthy, if we believe nobody else wants us, if we believe that.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: uh we're incapable of loving someone the way they need to be loved.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just self-doubt.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: If we have that in us and you meet somebody who confirms that, yeah, that might think you may think that this is good.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they know me.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: They know that I'm I'm I have low self-esteem.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: The worst thing in a relationship is when you go into a relationship with low self-esteem and the other side uses that to their advantage.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Be careful.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you have low self-esteem and I hate to say it not all the time, but a good majority of the time and sometimes it's not in done intentionally, but the other side uses that to their advantage.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: It makes you feel as the time goes on makes you feel less of a woman or a man.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Makes you feel that you are not worthy.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that low makes your sort of self-esteem even lower to the point where you tell yourself, well, you know, I'm gonna stay because they know me.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna put up they're gonna help me and use all the excuses.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just and they'll use that just to keep you there.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: You might be a good cook.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: You may you may take care of the kids well and stay home while they go out.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it you just have to be careful and don't lose again don't lose yourself in a relationship because sometimes your dating history looks less like a love story and more like a bad GPS reroute that keeps taking you down dark alleys while insisting you have arrived at your destination.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now the difference between wrong person and wrong relationships I want to touch bases on a little on that not every relationship that ends means someone was a terrible person.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes two good people aren't good for each other and aren't good together.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah it's like I I I have an example for you professor.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead it's like peanut butter's good right yeah pickles are great right yeah but I don't know anyone who puts these two together in a sandwich so it's not saying so that you know that reinforces sometimes there's two good people but they just don't belong together.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: But that's right I don't know if peanut butter sta.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah no no you I'm banana apple yeah but not together.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes I make a sandwich okay he's he's weird but wrong wrong person is someone who is unable or unwilling to give you the kind of love respect honesty or commitment that you need.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can can I just say something real quick yes repeat those those again love respect repeat that the wrong okay uh the wrong person sometimes is someone who is unable or unwilling to give you the kind of love respect honesty or commitment that you need.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: You hear all of that please pay attention to that yes take notes because respect honesty all those things are a big part of a successful healthy loving relationship.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes and we just described the wrong person okay now we're gonna describe the wrong relationship what that looks like two people who may be perfectly good individuals simply aren't good together.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: The timing is wrong the values are off goals are off communication styles or life paths don't align with each other so it's not saying so it nothing's wrong with the people involved it's just not a mesh not a mesh but the wrong person devalues yes but the wrong relationship you understand that the the values are different.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: Wrong relationship also is a lot of times it's the timing.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: There's been where people have dated for a minute and then years later they've crossed each other's path shopping at dinner somewhere or walking and oh my gosh how how are you?
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: And they've both grown they've both grown and this is the right time.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right right yeah now I have a simple way to put it the wrong person teaches you what you should never tolerate but the wrong relationship teaches you what you truly need.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: You get that professor uh simply put I'm just simple the wrong person teaches you what you should never tolerate abuse um downing and dissing disrespect but the wrong relationship teaches you what you truly need I need somebody who has the same values I need this somebody who may be in um who may be in the same culture so that's what the wrong relationship will teach you.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now these are the things that create a wrong relationship different different values different communication styles different life goals different emotional availability needs and different expectations of commitment these are the things that create a wrong relationship and you can always play this back but these are great notes to take and in closing remember loving the wrong person doesn't mean you were foolish for loving it means you are human.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: The lesson isn't to stop loving the lesson is to become wise about where you place your love right let me just say you can be in a relationship for a few months to a few years.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't matter how long you should be growing similar yes now you can be in a relationship you might be one of those go getters I'm gonna have a business I'm gonna do all this but then your partner is not that way they're happy working a nine to five job and now that's not for you you want someone's more ambitious but be careful for what you wish for because someone else's ambition is your loss because they're paying more attention to their their career than they are to you.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah so you have to weigh things out weigh things out don't look at because you want this and the other person's okay with a nine to five job.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with that.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if he's a good person she's a good person absolutely you have to look at the the green flags yes not just one or two red flags and you have 20 green flags for you know that this this person rises up to and don't just ask do I love this person?
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Ask is this relationship healthy for me?
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: And can I be myself here?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: And what you said professor are we growing together?
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do our values align?
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly does this relationship allow me to become the healthiest version of myself?
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yes and I want to say that there's no such thing as loving each other together 100% of the time because there's gonna be days where your partner's not in it he's or he or she they got stuff going on at work or whatever.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_01: They love you but they may be off that day.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: Don't take it as well what's going on they they don't love me as much as anymore.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: No we take these things and we take them as a sign they don't care for you.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: Life gets in the way.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: Life gets busy yes doesn't mean they love you any less right but a lot of time we get caught up in well I don't think they love me anymore.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to love someone a hundred percent of the time every single day.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or there'll be some days where you say I can't stand this person.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: No absolutely that's that's normal that's for another topic.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah but you know if you stop harping on all this on that stuff focus on the data what you're getting is this for me am I gonna grow?
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: Can we grow together?
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: All these things and respect this person respect me.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right and that's good because the goal isn't simply to find someone you love it's to build a relationship where love respect compatibility communication and emotional safety can exist together.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely together building love respect compatibility communication emotional safety that's huge so if you're currently dating the wrong person don't just ask yourself how much do I love them?
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself how much am I loving myself in this relationship?
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because the healthiest love story you'll ever have begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_01: Any last words before I close it out love yourself be kind to yourself before you can love somebody else you're that is the key for any good relationship is if you go in with a damaged heart and carrying stuff over from a lost relationship it's going to affect the new relationship.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: Heal first right and you want be comfortable in your own skin.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly you want to tell them about the 30 30 minutes 30 minutes?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: The free thirty yes the Oh the 30 minutes you threw me off here because I I'm drinking coffee here and and she kind of caught me off guard.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_01: So all you all know that we offer 30 30 free 30 minute session now sometimes the it's it's not 30 minutes we don't hold true to that it can be 40 minutes an hour an hour we spend whatever time we need to spend with you yes I don't feel like we're gonna be rushing you off that's not what we do.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: We're here to help you and help guide you and and make a package that works for you.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly thank you for that and please don't forget to like follow download and share this episode with someone who may benefit from this podcast.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find us at relationshipcoachinggroup dot com where you can email us if you have any questions or comments or just want to learn about our services and all we have to offer.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time keep growing keep communicating and keep choosing relationships that bring out the best in you not relationships that require you to lose yourself.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Be happy yes and remember you're not alone together we got this we got you