Latest / Just Heal with Dr Jay / Healing in the Shadows with Fhiona Ellis

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Healing in the Shadows with Fhiona Ellis · Just Heal with Dr Jay

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Peace of the planet. Charlamagnea god here.
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  Speaker 2: Before we get into today's episode, we've got to celebrate
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  Speaker 2: the Black Effect Podcast Network. It's turning five years old, man,
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  Speaker 2: five years of powerful voices, unforgettable moments in the community
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  Speaker 2: that keeps growing.
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  Speaker 1: This is the power of the platform. Now let's get
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  Speaker 1: into it. Welcome to Jesshill with Doctor j a production
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  Speaker 1: of The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Today I
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: am joined by for Hanni Ellis. Again. Friends, for those
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: of you that get tongue tied when you say names
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  Speaker 1: that somebody probably should have kept. But this is a
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  Speaker 1: name that we are going to try to say for
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  Speaker 1: Honey Ellis, celebrity stylists and saintrists from Atlanta, Georgia, my
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  Speaker 1: great friend. Welcome to the Hilly community. Now I got
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  Speaker 1: the first name, by the way, so it's Fee from
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  Speaker 1: here on out.
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  Speaker 3: It's from.
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  Speaker 1: I do not want to be in any arm wrestling
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  Speaker 1: with my tongue and the top of the roof of
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  Speaker 1: my mouth because I feel like I need peanut butter
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  Speaker 1: to be at the top of my mouth to say
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  Speaker 1: that for Honey.
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  Speaker 3: I think we we can set it on fee from
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  Speaker 3: here on it.
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  Speaker 1: Is that correct for honey for honey. Okay, yeah, you
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  Speaker 1: just got it. It's like lift of weights. You gotta
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  Speaker 1: keep doing it for honey. See how you doing? Welcome good,
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  Speaker 1: I'm good man. Listen, it is so good to have
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: you here today as we are talking about suicide prevention
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  Speaker 1: money and we'll get into that and we'll get into
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  Speaker 1: your story. But before we start the episode, I always
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: ask my guests not how they're fit doing, but how
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  Speaker 1: are you feeling today today?
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  Speaker 3: I would have to say I'm in between. So that
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  Speaker 3: means it's not bad, and I'm not necessarily it's saying
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  Speaker 3: it's not good, but it's an in between of content.
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  Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, you know what I love feet
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  Speaker 1: about the answers that my guests give. It is such
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  Speaker 1: a wide range of response and no one gives a
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  Speaker 1: manufactured response. No one is like, oh, I'm blessing holy
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  Speaker 1: favor of the Lord. The Lord is my shepherd and
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  Speaker 1: I shall not want here's my rock and cause me
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  Speaker 1: like be real, Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, in between. I think sometimes it's okay just to
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  Speaker 3: be there.
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  Speaker 1: So yeah, in fact, I believe we live in between,
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  Speaker 1: to be honest, and I don't think I'm gonna say
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  Speaker 1: this the older I get I realize life is so gray.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah it is, and it's not as black as white
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  Speaker 1: as we wish for it to be. It is really great.
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  Speaker 1: I think we live in between, the gaps, in between
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  Speaker 1: the spaces. As what you're saying, I agree. So for you,
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  Speaker 1: as you're saying, you're in between, if you can kind
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  Speaker 1: of attach that to a picture, paint a picture for
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  Speaker 1: what that looks like.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's rainbows. It sounds funny to say, but
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  Speaker 3: there's rainbows with rain. So some days it's bright, it's beautiful,
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  Speaker 3: but then there's some days where the drop comes. And
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  Speaker 3: I think I've learned to like learn how to live
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  Speaker 3: in between and not automatically deem the dark or the
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  Speaker 3: clouds or the rain as something bad. It's like I've
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  Speaker 3: just learned how to just be content and acceptance of
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  Speaker 3: what life brings every day. So I think, if it's
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  Speaker 3: a weird answer to give, but that's my answer, why
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  Speaker 3: is it weird? It's not the normal answer?
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  Speaker 1: No, no, no. The me is saying, why are you
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  Speaker 1: naming it weird?
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  Speaker 3: Because I think you you try to make people comfortable
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  Speaker 3: with the answer, right, Oh, I mean, but that's the
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  Speaker 3: that's the truth.
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  Speaker 1: You know, I know, but don't make nobody comfortable. This
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  Speaker 1: is about you, yeah, this is this is your moment,
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  Speaker 1: this is your time.
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  Speaker 3: I got you. So what I would say, it's rain,
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  Speaker 3: It's rainbows and rain. But that's the beauty of it.
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  Speaker 3: I think that's what's beautiful about life to me. It's
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  Speaker 3: a mixture of too.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I love to talk about the duality of holding bold
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  Speaker 1: and not feeling like you have to drop one for
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  Speaker 1: the other. That I can be happy over here and
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  Speaker 1: it's sad. If I was to ask myself how I'm feeling,
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  Speaker 1: I think earlier I said I felt encouraged. I would
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  Speaker 1: say in this moment, because I feel something different with
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  Speaker 1: each guest, I would say in the moment that I'm
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  Speaker 1: feeling with you, I'm feeling grateful. And I would say
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  Speaker 1: that I'm feeling grateful because I know we have been
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  Speaker 1: talking a lot about connecting and working, but I'm feeling
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  Speaker 1: grateful because I've had an opportunity to sit with the
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  Speaker 1: other guests, and each guest has brought something different to
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  Speaker 1: this community of healing. And I'm grateful that your story
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  Speaker 1: gets to be on a platform that is encouraging people
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  Speaker 1: to heal and.
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  Speaker 3: I appreciate you for having me because I think that
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  Speaker 3: it is important for these stories. I think a lot
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  Speaker 3: of times people look at what you look like and
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  Speaker 3: that's not the picture. That's the picture we wanted you
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  Speaker 3: to see, but it's not the picture that's there, you know.
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  Speaker 3: So I love you as you know we were friends.
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  Speaker 3: But I also appreciate you sharing your platform with me
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  Speaker 3: to do that outside of what people normally see, because
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  Speaker 3: it's not just close and all those things. So I
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  Speaker 3: appreciate what you're.
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  Speaker 1: Doing absolutely, and I want to go there because you
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  Speaker 1: and I talk a lot about that, about being seen
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  Speaker 1: and for most people, like when they go to your
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  Speaker 1: social media, they see you tailoring outfits for celebrities to
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  Speaker 1: fit their bodies, to fit their unique style, to fit
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  Speaker 1: their unique look and personality. And it's easy for folks
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  Speaker 1: to give fee this sort of life because you're around
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  Speaker 1: celebrities and stars, but missing who you really are as
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  Speaker 1: a person. And be honesty man, because you know I'm
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  Speaker 1: gonna you know, I'm gonna asks a hard.
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  Speaker 3: Thing and I don't give you the truth.
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  Speaker 1: One thing does does that bother you?
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  Speaker 3: It does bother me because I'm so much more than that, right,
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  Speaker 3: but I think I came into it with a mask,
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  Speaker 3: so people what you present is what people then start
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  Speaker 3: to address you as. And so you know, when I
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  Speaker 3: came into this, I wasn't fully confident as for Hani
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  Speaker 3: because Forhani had a lot of inadequacies. For Hanni had
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  Speaker 3: a lot of things and problems. So I came in
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  Speaker 3: and saying, Oh, I'm gonna give myself all to ego.
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  Speaker 3: She's feed. This is what she looks like, this is
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  Speaker 3: how she carries herself, this is her demeanor, this is
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  Speaker 3: what we're going for. So if you constantly present that
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  Speaker 3: to the people that's in front of you, that's gonna
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  Speaker 3: how they're gonna address you. But as I started to heal,
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  Speaker 3: Forhani started to emerge and she started to have an
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  Speaker 3: issue with the mask, right, And so I think what
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  Speaker 3: became interesting about my job. What I love is God
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  Speaker 3: allows me to see the flaws of everyone, the stuff
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  Speaker 3: that nobody gets to see behind closed stores. He allows
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  Speaker 3: me to see them, their imperfections, their bodies, things they
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  Speaker 3: you know, try to dress up. I get to see
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  Speaker 3: the real them. So I feel like God gave me
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  Speaker 3: a gift for somebody who never felt seen. He gave
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  Speaker 3: me eyes to see everybody, whether it's natural or spiritual. Like, so,
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  Speaker 3: I think it's very It's been a very interesting journey
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  Speaker 3: with Taylor and all of that.
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  Speaker 1: But yeah, you know, because I knew our episode would
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  Speaker 1: be different because we we've read well but not beyond that.
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  Speaker 1: But our spiritual intelligence and spiritual gifting allow us to
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  Speaker 1: go deeper and transcend the surface and reach in the
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  Speaker 1: opulence of a conversation in text, how is it that
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  Speaker 1: we can see others and never be seen. Won't you
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  Speaker 1: sit with that before we start, because that's nothing like
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  Speaker 1: feeling invisible scene for your gift, but invisible for who
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  Speaker 1: you really are.
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  Speaker 3: M and I could sit there for some time. So
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  Speaker 3: I think the me now thinks that can be beauty, right,
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  Speaker 3: because it's like your superpower. God gives you eyes to
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  Speaker 3: see past the surface. God gives you eyes to see
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  Speaker 3: what people try to dress up, what they try to hide.
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  Speaker 3: The eyes never lie, so I can look at somebody
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  Speaker 3: and tell what is going on, whether they ever speak
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  Speaker 3: a word to me, I've seen it and so. But
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  Speaker 3: on the flip side, you have this gift, but then
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  Speaker 3: you're also invisible to most people because your job description
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  Speaker 3: doesn't look like it's attractive, so they can constantly overlook you,
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  Speaker 3: they constantly overstep you. So you know that you have
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  Speaker 3: something amazing that the Lord has given you, but yet
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  Speaker 3: it's invisible to everyone else around you. So I think
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  Speaker 3: for me it has been hard. It's been a struggle
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  Speaker 3: at times because it's like God, you call me friend,
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  Speaker 3: do you give me so many things? But yet it's
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  Speaker 3: almost like I'm invisible. But I think it's a form
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  Speaker 3: of protection. So I think when I say I've learned
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  Speaker 3: to live in like you said, the duality of something
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  Speaker 3: that in between, I have to realize that it's God's protection.
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  Speaker 3: It's not for me to try to figure it out anymore,
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  Speaker 3: even though it's uncomfortable. I'll be lying if I say
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  Speaker 3: it's not. But I think that I can't rush to
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  Speaker 3: be seen because the wrong exposure could dim my lights, right,
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  Speaker 3: it could cause me to go another way. And so
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  Speaker 3: I think I'm learning that it's okay not to be seen,
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  Speaker 3: and at the appointed time, God will make that thing
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  Speaker 3: be known. And whatever capacity that looks like.
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  Speaker 1: I love that because what I hear is the benefit
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  Speaker 1: of obscurity. Absolutely, there's a great benefit to obscurity. I
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  Speaker 1: think were living in a world where people are dying
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  Speaker 1: to be seen. Yeah, they're dying for attention, they're dying
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  Speaker 1: for acceptance, they're dying for validation. And what I'm hearing
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  Speaker 1: from you is that you learn how to rest in obscurity.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And nobody talks about that because Jesus had a
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  Speaker 3: season of obscurity, right. We hear about him at thirteen
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  Speaker 3: and then we don't hear about him again into thirty three.
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  Speaker 3: There's a season of unknown. So I think it's like
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  Speaker 3: we have a model in front of us that we
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  Speaker 3: constantly keep ignoring, and there's a pressure like, oh, I
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  Speaker 3: want somebody to see me. But it's like again, I
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  Speaker 3: think in my life, I've just come to radical acceptance.
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  Speaker 3: It has not always been here. I have had many
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  Speaker 3: disagreements with the Lord about it. But I think getting
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  Speaker 3: to this place this year is that we all have
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  Speaker 3: to endure a season of obscurity because if you are
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  Speaker 3: presented too soon, your mission will be aborted.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So and also too Radical Acceptance by Tary Bratch is
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  Speaker 1: a really great book. There are some principles that she
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: talks about that are associated with the Buddhists, Buddhism and again,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: whatever your faith is. It's a really great book. And
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: it's a really great book because most people they're not
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  Speaker 1: just struggling with who they are, they're struggling with accepting
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  Speaker 1: the radical parts of them, that radical part of you
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  Speaker 1: that doesn't make sense, the radical part of you that
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  Speaker 1: you were just like, well, this doesn't look like everyone else,
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  Speaker 1: So just wanted to throw that in that. That's a
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  Speaker 1: really great book that I often recommend for clients who
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  Speaker 1: are challenged in the area of accepting themselves totally. I
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  Speaker 1: mean all of it, not the parts that you like,
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  Speaker 1: except that the parts that you would rather put on
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  Speaker 1: gloves to touch. It's a really great book. Obscurity is
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  Speaker 1: necessary because fee there was a season that I was
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  Speaker 1: an echo before God made me a voice. And can
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  Speaker 1: I tell you I wish I could go back to
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  Speaker 1: being an echo again. Yeah, because people don't realize once
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  Speaker 1: He presents you what that comes with. I can tell
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  Speaker 1: you right now, David promatly enjoyed his time in the
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: field because the moment that he was annoyted, he now
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: had to deal with Sauls insecurities. And we don't realize
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  Speaker 1: that when God is hiding us in a season that
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: is the time that you just be still and just
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: lean into it and stop fighting to be seen because
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: you not being seen. It's actual form of protection because
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: if you go before your time prematurely. I would even
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: go as far as to say, is that if you
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: get something before it's time, it could be a curse.
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  Speaker 3: So let me ask you. I mean, as you were talking,
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  Speaker 3: I thought about this. It's like, do you feel like
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  Speaker 3: you came to that revelation after you got there?
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  Speaker 1: Meaning I got to this. I was I got to
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  Speaker 1: this revelation during my time of obscurity because I never
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: wanted to be seen. I never Membishop Jakes was having
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: a conversation and he said I was just doing what
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I was doing and God breathed on it. And I
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: was like, dangn me too, bit like I was really
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: just chilling. Here's how it happened with me. So I
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: moved to Dallas because I felt it was time to
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: leave Houston. And anybody knows my story knows what twenty
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  Speaker 1: eighteen was for me coming out of mortualists relationship. So
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  Speaker 1: when I get to Dallas, I hide, and hiding was
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  Speaker 1: so I mean, it was the best thing for me
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  Speaker 1: to hide. But I also felt God knew, Negro I
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: know why you hiding. I didn't want to be seen
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  Speaker 1: because I also didn't want to have to answer anybody's questions.
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  Speaker 1: So being seen for me wasn't so I can be
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: on a platform being seen for me. It's like, man,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: I don't even want to give you an explanation of
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: why I made the decision that I made. So I'm
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: in hiding for two years. While I'm in hiding, one
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  Speaker 1: day July twenty twenty one, I'm in private practice. I'm
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: just seeing clients and I'm doing a few interviews here,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: doing a little speaking of here and there. And I said, God,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: this is cool with me. Brother, I say, ain't got
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: to deal with nigroes. I ain't got to be on
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  Speaker 1: nobody's platform. I ain't got to be looked at as
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  Speaker 1: being this person. I said, this is cool. I'm in
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  Speaker 1: the shower and God said it's time. I said, uh uh.
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  Speaker 1: He said it's time. I broke down and cried so bad.
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  Speaker 1: He said I'm getting ready to present you to the world.
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  Speaker 1: And I begged him please yeah, because I knew what
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: it would come with. And a month later, I get
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: a call for a job in usc to be the
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: first black sports therapist at the University of Southern California.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: I am a huge USC fan, and I said, oh, man, okay,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: if this is what scene is, I'm cool with this.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I can go be a trojan. I can you know
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: what I'm saying. God had them folks call me. I
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: went through six weeks of interviews out of the top
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: ten psychologists and psych therapists that they were interviewing counselors me,
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I said, I'll be daub On.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Then God told me not to take the job. I said, oh,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: what are you doing? Then I had to go back
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: resind my master's degree and get into the master's program again.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: Because you can't practice in California with forty five credential hours,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: you have to have sixty. So I get back into
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: my master's program, have to do a fifteen additional hours,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: which is another two years in school. I did it
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: in five months. Literally lost my mind get to the program.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: In the end, the people said, okay, Jay, you want
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: to come to California. I said, well, God told me
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: not to come. Lady send Jay, what's going on? And
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: you play toy with us? I said, man. So the
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: five courses that I had to take. It was additional
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: information and coursework that God turned and turn us for
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: my skill sets and my credential. Here's the other part.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I said, God, why don't you have many take this?
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: He said, because what you got in these five courses
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: is what you're gonna need for the world, not for
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: the university. Come on, now, I'm really upset.
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: Because if he would have told you that, you wouldn't
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: have did it anyway.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: No, and I wouldn't did it because I'm like, dude,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: I'm okay with standing in my mind. This is this
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: is why people who were wanting to be seeing scared
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: of me.
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  Speaker 3: But that's why I love what you're saying is because
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: so let's be honest. There the reason why the Lord
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: didn't allow exposure to hit me in a way because
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: there was pride there. God had to wring my heart
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: out before he presents me in front of anywhere. There
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: can be any selfish ambition. There can't even be any
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: pride because what He has given me is not just
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: about clothes. It's setting people free. So if you desire
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: that platform, you're gonna now take praise and that's gonna
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: boost you, that's gonna give you more pride more selfish ambition.
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  Speaker 3: But what you're saying is I didn't even desire this.
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  Speaker 3: This is one he's on my radar. So the Lord
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: can trust you when it's not even something that you
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: even want to step into. So if God would have
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: really told you what the plan was, you wouldn't have
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: did it because you were trying to hide. Yeah, you
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: don't want nobody to see you, you know what I mean?
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Like, yeah, because I've seen the platform expose people who
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: are underdeveloping their character because they're so infatuated with their gifts.
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's why I think you have to do.
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: You have to go on your journey. Right. So the
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: Lord has really dealt with me over the last two years.
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: I have been walking with the Lord for a very
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: very long time. But it wasn't until I asked the
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: Lord to give me the desires that he has and
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: to allow me to hate the things that he hates,
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  Speaker 3: and it was like my heart literally transforms.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: And what has been interesting is the Lord told me
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: in twenty the end of twenty twenty three, I'm giving
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: you a favorable departure. I didn't know what that meant. Okay,
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: all I knew is my work like this upside down.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: I'm not gonna allow you to keep abandoning yourself. I'm
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: not gonna allow you to keep prostituting your gift because see,
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: I came from a place of unworthiness where I had
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: a lot of inadequacies, and so because I dealt with
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: rejection in abandon a lot, and I didn't want to
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: be homeless. You call me, I'm going, see we got
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: this type of money. Can you go out of town.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: I'm not asking the Lord nothing, I'm going wherever the
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: money go. And the Lord told me, you're prostituting your gift.
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: I'm giving you a favorable departure. This is ending the
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: last two years of my life. So that's how I
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: got to radical acceptance. I didn't just arrive there. It
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: was a fight to get there because the Lord would
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: not allow me to keep abandoning myself at the sake
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: of other people. And if there's a work to be done,
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: so we have to. If you won't leave, I'm gonna
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: make them leave you. This has completely is that how
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: it happened, exactly how it happens.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: So people stopped, so people stopped saving.
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I had a disagreement with one of my main clients,
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: which housed about sixteen clients. So with that one particular company,
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: I had sixteen of my major clients, a list celebrities
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: underneath that umbrella. But I was tired. See what people
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: don't realize is that, yes, it's pretty and by nature,
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: I'm a black and white person. So if I'm on,
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: I'm owned, and we're gonna ride until we ride, right.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: But I think it was also killing me. It was
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: leading me deeper in a hole. And because I had
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: dealt with, you know, suicidal thoughts, all those different things depression,
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: that enemy knew like all I gotta do is keep
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: wearing her out her greatest fear show and never want
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: to be homeless again. So I'm gonna keep just giving
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: them money. I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep her on
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: this stream. And it was literally like if I would
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: have went another year the way I went in twenty
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: twenty three, I traveled ten months out of the year.
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: For those other two months, I barely had any sleep.
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: I had gained about forty five pounds. I was. I
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: was extremely depressed, but I knew I couldn't allow myself
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: to get too depressed because I had been there before,
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: so I knew what that looked like. But I remember
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: the Lord allowed everyone to walk away, and he told me,
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: I'm giving you favorable departure, And I said, what's favorable
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: about this? Lord? Nothing about this looks favorable. Everything about
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: this looks absolutely insane. It was the best thing that
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: ever happened to me because in all of that, God,
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: it introduced me to a version of myself when we
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: talk about in the scripture before before you reform, I
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: knew you. God took me back to I knew you,
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: meaning before the world got their hands on you. I'm
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: sending you back to your default setting. That was the
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: best thing the Lord could have did, was let all
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: them people walk away from me like the best. I
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: have no regrets. Was it ugly? Absolutely. I think I've
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: cried more in the last seven months that I've done
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: in years. But do I regret it? No.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: When you and thank you for sharing, because this is
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: so rich and I'm hoping somebody is healing from you sharing.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Because sometimes we're afraid to lead the very thing that's
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: sucking the life out of us because we feel that
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: it's given us life. Because we'll feel that it's giving
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: us life because it's given us a paycheck, or because
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: he's present. Well, I know he don't love me, but
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: at least I got a man. So it's better to
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: have a piece of a man than no man at all. Well, well,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: she talked to me crazy, but at least she's cooking
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: for me. We attach ourselves to things that are literally
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: sucking the life out of us, and we're afraid to
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: lead because we think it's a life giver for you.
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: When you realize this thing.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: Is killing me, yeah, but I knew for a long time, right,
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: But again, when you so, and you know a little
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: of my story, when you've had as many's laws as
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: I've had in my life and has been through as
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: much grief as I have, I think I was just
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: looking for acceptance. So whoever gave it to me, I
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: went right whether it was work, and most of the
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: time it was work. It's like, oh, this feels like community.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: Because not only did my mother pass my so my mother,
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: my step mother, and my spiritual mother all passed at
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: fifty one. My step my spiritual mom passed first. Two
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: years later my mom passed, then my grandmother passed. After
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: my mother passed, we had three. I had three deaths,
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: whether it's friends or family for the next eleven years,
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: and then my stepmother dad. So I've been through a
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: lot of grief and a lot of abandment. Unfortunately, after
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: my mom passed, my stepfather also disconnected. This is a
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: man who raised me. So at that point, I was
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: just looking for acceptance. Somebody loved me, right, and it
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: was work. They pump you up. It's like, oh, fee
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: fee this, you're wrong. I'm good at my job. But
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: when you are at a deficit and people praise you
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: like that, it'll keep you entanglements that you did not
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: sign up for, right, And so that's what was happening.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Pauls, that's what Charlemagne will say when he say
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: so crazy. This is a moment for pause. But I'm
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: saying pause because that is deeply profound. When you are at.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: A deficit, a deficit, it'll leads you to nothing but danger.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how long had you been in a deficit? Feet
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: my whole life?
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: Right, I started at a deficit from the womb. Right,
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: So you know, I love I think I have two incredible,
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: amazing parents. My mother is no longer here, but my
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: mother was a beautiful woman, and my father is an
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: amazing man, right, But when you kind of deal with
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: your own inadequate season insecurities, we don't realize that we
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: passed those down to our children. So from birth I
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: struggled with worthiness and acceptance. And then because my father
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: he dealt with a drug addiction for twenty five years
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: of my life, I always felt like we were the
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: has beens. You know, Oh, every time you look at me,
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: your daddy stole our stuff yesterday, you know. So I
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: dealt with a lot of unworthiness and so it had
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: been there for a long time, and then you get
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: a little money on top of it, a little success,
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: a little exposure. It was like, oh, it's like a drug.
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: Just keep me in it, Like, okay, we travel today,
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: we're going to hear and again it was amazing. It
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: exposed me to be cause I think it's great to
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: have that level of exposure to a degree, but if
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: you are deficit, it's just as addictive as anything else.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: It is. Yeah, as you were talking about the deficit
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: and talking about the sort of stream that keeps you
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: coming back, I thought back to last year when I
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: was on tour, because I think when you and I
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: both were at the time just kind of telling each
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: other rest They framed be resting, and we both are
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: things like, oh, there needs to be on somebody's count.
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: Crazy.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I realized last November. Last October, I was
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: on stage at the Potter's House as a man thinking
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: and I share something on stage that I never shared,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: and I shared it because I felt led to for
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: the men to be free. But when I shared it,
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: it set them free. But I felt even more bound
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: because it was also something that was laying dormant for
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: came up in a moment because I needed to get
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: these men free. But also I felt like it was
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: a trigger instantaneously as I released it. And then I've
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: realized I've been getting up on stage in front of
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: these men out of a deficit, and not because I
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: wasn't healed, but because there was a deficit emotionally, and
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: when we're in a deficit emotionally, it would break us
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: down physically. That next month, I checked myself into an institution.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: The next month, I developed vertigo, developed I took sick
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: and couldn't even explain what was happening. I'm sitting on
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: my couch last December and I'm in so much pain
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: because I had a double ear infection that uh, the
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: vertigo was was was well, that caused a vertigo because
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: of the fluid on my ear and I'm crying in pain.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: We having to call the doctor to get more pain
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: ass because what they gave me wasn't working. And it
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: wasn't until I went in and see to see doctor Gill,
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: and she says, Jay, your immune systems compromise. You've been
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: going and going and going, and here's what nobody talks about.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: When you going and going like that. I don't care
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: how much you work out. Your body ain't doing nothing.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: It will fight against it will.
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: Fight against itself, you know. And what I realized, so
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: how I found out that I had you know, we
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: mentioned even the fibroids. How I found out I had
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: had fibroids was I was working out and I told
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: my trainer. I was like, something's wrong. Like I don't
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: really know what's going on, but I knew like when
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: I stress, I physically hold stress in my stomach. I've
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: always like suppressed and put the stress in my stomach
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: at that time, and I was like, yeah, something's just wrong.
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: And I remember it was almost like a something was
• 28:44
  Speaker 3: just jabbing me at that point, and I go to
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: the emergency room and my you know, my trainer he
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: had got here like me, you probably just can't pay
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: or something, you know. So I go to the emergency
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: room and the doctor does the x rays. He comes back,
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: he said, mister Elis, you have fibroids. Who got fibroids?
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: Not me? And he said, yeah, miss ls f fibriars
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: you have. I think at the time they had saw
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: eights and so you have eight fibroids. And he gave
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: me the size and I was like, that's crazy. So
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: long story. Sure, I went to go do my research
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: and I since my after my mother passed, I started
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: to research emotions and diseases, what emotions are connected to
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: certain diseases. So after my mother passed. My mother passed
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: of pancreatic cancer. After she passed, and I researched that
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: particular emotion. It's where someone feels unloved, they don't know
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: how to receive love, they feel unworthy. I knew that
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: was my mother because of the conversations we had, so
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: I knew that the emotions that they described, those are
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: things that she directly dealt with at a adult. And
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: so when I started to research up on fibroids. It
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: was suppressing creativity and joy. You don't know how to
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: let go like it would start describing all these things,
• 29:57
  Speaker 3: and I also knew that was me right, And so
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: when I really started to look at those things, that's
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: when I realized it wasn't just about changing my diet.
• 30:07
  Speaker 3: It was about changing my life. And it started with
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: my mind first, and it started with not just the
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: physical things. I had to declutter everything because I watched
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: a disease kill my mom. I wasn't gonna let it
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: kill me.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: You also had to begin to release that.
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: Traumas absolutely because it's store trauma.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: And the store trauma. Let me tell you people that
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: this is for men and women, and particularly for women
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: because of the way your bodies are made. Trauma in
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: a woman's body would change your hormones, It would change
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: the way your brain process and receive messages. It would
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: have you living in a fight or flight state, and
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: you don't know it, but your body is responding as
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: if you're in a constant fight with something, and that
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: can metascas side into certain diseases because you are disase.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: So just wanted to give that because the more. You know,
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: we don't have enough time to talk about the science
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: of what she's sharing. Most of what we've done in
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: research from a clinical perspective, every disease has been attached
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: to something emotional that has not been processed. And when
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: you don't process, it's processed through your body in a sickness.
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, like that is that's one hundred percent. You know.
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: I was someone that because I had dealt with so
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: much trauma and grief, I wouldn't even say trauma was
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: just a lot of grief that I always was scanning
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: for danger. So my body was either in a functional
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: freeze fight flight, you know, and it was a constant
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: so you're talking about for twelve years, I stayed like that.
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: It wasn't until two years ago that I started to
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: really guests get to a point where it's like, yeah,
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to do this because again, if you
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: don't change, we can think something won't take us out,
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: but it actually will, right.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: So Yeah, and then the other part of that is
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: when you're in a fight or flight state, it feeds
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: whatever it's eating. And this is why you'll see women
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: who have fibers tuning. They'll be the growth of a softball.
• 32:27
  Speaker 3: Mine was grapefruits. I had a grapefruit.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: One was a size I won't make a fish, how
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: big of grapefruit? A grap like this, So there's a
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: size of a grape food.
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: It's like one of them was like this big, and
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: then the other ones. I had two of them like this,
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: and then the other ones were like tennis balls. So
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: they all were big.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you if you mind, I sure
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: this she sent me to pitch I did. She sent
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: me the picture.
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: It's crazy.
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: I want to tell you what it looks like. Because
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: again I'm I'm the only boy that in my mom's family.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: So I've had to walk with my mom because my
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: mom had had similar procedures. I had never seen anything
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: like this ever in my life. It looked like eight
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: little monsters.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: It was actually twelve. It was eight big ones and
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: the other ones were a little small ones. Oh yeah yeah.
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: But when I first got my first X ray, they
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: told me I had there. I had so many they
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: stopped counting at twelve. So I did go through a
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: holistic you know, to reset my gut, cleanse my body,
• 33:35
  Speaker 3: do a lot of things that shrunk a lot of
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: them but I actually had more than that. When we
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: first did the X rays, it was just like, it's
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: too many to count, We're not We stopped counting.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I had never seen anything like that. I mean,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: they it and you can tell which one was eating
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: the most, Yeah, the big one. And I would and
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: I would even even say that the hormones had changed
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: and that your body wasn't taken in food, the fiber
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: oils was taking all of the nutrients of it. Because
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: the size of that big one I remember looking at
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: I brought up. I said, there's no way that was
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: in these.
• 34:09
  Speaker 3: That's why I was trying when they showed me, I said,
• 34:11
  Speaker 3: where was that at? You know? But it was it
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: was constant pain like that was not easy to carry it,
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: Like when it flared, I would have to wear sweatshirts
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: constantly because it would look like somebody just stuck a
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: ball to my stomach. So a lot of times people
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: would see me with sweatshirts on. It wasn't because I
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: wanted to put them on. It's just because my stomach
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: had gotten so big and I didn't want to think
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: I was pregnant. So it was just like I just
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: constantly would wear big clothes to kind of disguise and
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: hide it. But yeah, it was painful. It was absolutely painful.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: Let me ask you this fee as a woman and
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: as a black woman that is often surrounded by women,
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: do you feel a lot of women because you guys
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: are emotional by design, but do you feel that a
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: lot of women don't know how to process their emotions
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: as well? And it shows up in a lot of
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: sicknesses in their bodies because women body is so different
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: from men harmonally. Have you seen that when you.
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: How do people want to say no? But the truth
• 35:17
  Speaker 3: of the matter is, I do know that women have
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: a hard time expressing their emotions, and I think it's
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: a few reasons. Some of them feel like they've again,
• 35:29
  Speaker 3: they've been hiding for so long, you know. I've had
• 35:32
  Speaker 3: friends that no one knows anything about their personal life.
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: They want to keep everything a secret, you know. So
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: I feel like it's a place where they're looking for safety.
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: But they're also scared of something that they desire, you know.
• 35:44
  Speaker 3: And I think a lot of women desire intimacy, not
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: just from a relationship but just in friendships. But you're
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: scared of something that you actually desire, so you won't
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: even open up.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you said that because I knew I
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: wasn't crazy. I've always said that because I used to
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: tell mysel so I was like, because they was like, oh, women,
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: we always talk, and I'm like, dude, women are honest
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: with each other.
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: Not all the time. I said, women get to certain levels.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: And I said, listen, man, women know how to I'm
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: not going to use the N word. I'm just going
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: to say control. I don't want to use the N
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: word about it. But but I said, because you guys
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: are a lot more emotional mature than men that men
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: would think. You guys are opening up and you just
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: only sharing genes that you're comfortable. That's true.
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: Now you're talking good now, and.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: I have and you are, and you are confirming what
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: I've seen and observation, which is why I think that
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: there's so much disease, and particularly with women of color
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: when it comes to black women, Because I'm thinking to myself,
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: and not that it's their fault or anything, but I'm saying,
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: are we not giving each other, yeah, grace and space
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: to truly be honest with each other? Because why are
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: we having so much sickness? We had doctor Shephard earlier.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: And when you think about diseases, when you think about
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: all of the chronic illness, when you think about heart failure,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: heart congestions, all these different things cancer, it's either black
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: men leading or black women. And I know that the
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: health inequities and the lack of care or access to care,
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: and then also the access to the proper information because
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: we're usually dealing with doctors who know medicine but don't
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: know culture for us. And I would love to see
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: more conversations, not about a three hundred dollars a day,
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: not about six figures six feet all this. Man, we
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: are sick.
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: But I think we have not. Also, I think we
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: think we have, but I don't think we've extended enough
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: grace where people feel say to do that. I don't
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: think so. I think we're getting there, but I think
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: we still are not extending. Now. You may, on the
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: other hand, will right, But that's one person. I think
• 38:12
  Speaker 3: that we do have to do a better job, especially
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: as people of color. First, we got to get in
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: touch with our own emotions. Because I can't extend you
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: something that I haven't even done for myself, right, So
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: how could I give you grace, and I won't give
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: myself grace, So I think that we do. I think
• 38:29
  Speaker 3: every woman desires safety, whether again, it's not just about
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: being with a man. I think we naturally desire safety
• 38:35
  Speaker 3: in sisterhood and relationships, so we're looking for it. But
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: when I used to test the waters of safety, right,
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: so I was that woman. I would test the waters
• 38:46
  Speaker 3: with a conversation, just to see how you would handle
• 38:48
  Speaker 3: my vulnerability, because by nature, I've always been a very
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: transparent and vulnerable person. But I also know everyone doesn't
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: have the ability or the capacity to hold that. So
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: I would test a little bit to see how the
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: person responds. And I would say I would hate to
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: say that I did not get pleasant responses at all
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: from women. From women are men, but especially women. Really,
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: I've had a lot of more damages from women than
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: I have anyone.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: So but also, let's let's part there, no, because I'm.
• 39:21
  Speaker 3: Not and I love my sisters, right, I love it.
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: I'm interested because because you often hear protect our women
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: and we got to use sister. But it hurts my
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: heart though when the most hurt is occurred by the
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: same woman who said I got you, sister.
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: So let me say this, I don't even think that
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: they're aware that they're doing that. So you can be
• 39:42
  Speaker 3: doing something and not even.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: Be so is that is that why they won't take accountability?
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: Again, I can't say everybody, because we I don't know
• 39:50
  Speaker 3: where you're going, where you're trying to go.
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, I'm not I'm not going anywhere with that.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: I'll let Cej go there.
• 39:54
  Speaker 3: Okay, see that. But I will say, is that what
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: I realized, sometimes people don't even know what are doing
• 40:01
  Speaker 3: because if you've never met yourself, if you've never did
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: your own work, if you never again, you live in
• 40:06
  Speaker 3: your own bubble. And sometimes as a woman, I can
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: admit that you romanticize even friendships. So if you step
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: outside of my bubble and you start triggering my emotions,
• 40:17
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna cut this friendship off, this friendship off. Excuse me,
• 40:21
  Speaker 3: you know, I will cut this friendship off. And I've
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: seen that. I've had that happen multiple times. Where again,
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: you know, if I'm going through a season of grief
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: and it's like I'm not able to respond to you
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: in the way that made you feel good, Because sometimes
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: we are only in relationship with other people for our
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: own selfish benefits because you praise me, you make me
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: feel validated, you make me feel good. But as soon
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: as you stop doing that and become human, now, I
• 40:51
  Speaker 3: don't want to be in this relationship with you, whether
• 40:53
  Speaker 3: it's your friend, are your wife? A man?
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: Oh this is a card for.
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: Okay, Well, just what the girls say. I don't know
• 41:01
  Speaker 3: what they do, because what they do.
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: I ain't gonna clock it. Okay, but you can clock it.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: But I had to tear the cars up because that
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: was a word. And you see it today so much,
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: so rapidly. Yeah, no one is going into it for
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: what they bring to it. Yeah, they're looking for what
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: they can get from it.
• 41:29
  Speaker 3: We are very selfish. We are very very selfish. I
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: mean I was just having a conversation with my friend upstairs.
• 41:36
  Speaker 3: It's like even when it comes to you know, things
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: of church, like it's what do I get? This sermon
• 41:42
  Speaker 3: is for me? I need you to make me feel good.
• 41:44
  Speaker 3: My pastor ain't there today. That's that is self seeking.
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: So we are in relationships because we love the adoration
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: and we love to feel good. That is not healthy
• 41:55
  Speaker 3: because as soon as something is outside of what you
• 41:58
  Speaker 3: want now, you disconnect. So I think women have a
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: deep desire for those relationships and vulnerability. But also when
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: you're so not everyone because I know, but it's not.
• 42:10
  Speaker 3: But it's like when you're used to wearing masks, it's
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: hard for you to even take yours off because now
• 42:14
  Speaker 3: yours actually feels like it's permanent, like that's who you are.
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: Your mask has become you, right, So yeah, it's just
• 42:21
  Speaker 3: it can be very interesting.
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: Man, I could see the clip now, say with the
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: cars ripping, I'm seeing it and I'm seeing the views
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: go up because I've just been because that was profound.
• 42:43
  Speaker 3: What makes it so profound though, and like what makes
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: it so profound is.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: We've become so transactional that no one knows what's transformative. Okay,
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: so now when there is depth, we can't lean into
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: it because we lived on the surface. Yeah, and now
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: that we only see surface, we're starting to interpret that
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: as depth, and it's just like that's not depth. Depth
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: means there has to be some form of revelation, that's
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: some form of transformative that some insight wisdom which you
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: is sharing is wisdom. It's not something that is that
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: that is recycled. Because you hear a lot of that
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: on podcasts, you're giving something profound that No, this is
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: learned wisdom, and.
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: I think it's because I had I was that woman.
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: So I don't ever give my opinion about something I
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: have not walked through because that's not my reality. If
• 43:56
  Speaker 3: it's not. But I can say these things is because
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: I was that one, right, so I had to learn
• 44:02
  Speaker 3: how to I was again even when I was desiring community.
• 44:05
  Speaker 3: I remember I told the Lord I desire something, but
• 44:07
  Speaker 3: I'm also afraid of it because I've never love hasn't
• 44:10
  Speaker 3: been good to me, so I want something, but I'm
• 44:15
  Speaker 3: scared of them people. Every time I've come into a relationship,
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: women have hurt me. Right, my name means God's love,
• 44:22
  Speaker 3: and I remember when the Lord revealed to me what
• 44:23
  Speaker 3: my name meant. I said, God, I'm in a world
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: where people don't even know how to love. I'm always
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: gonna be mistreated because my natural instinct is to give.
• 44:32
  Speaker 3: And if you don't know how to receive, you'll think
• 44:34
  Speaker 3: I'm what You'll think I desire you, you'll think more.
• 44:37
  Speaker 3: And it's like, no, that's just my natural beings. So
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: I can say and speak freely about these things because
• 44:44
  Speaker 3: everything that I'm saying I was that version at one
• 44:47
  Speaker 3: point of my life.
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: Far.
• 44:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's not just something I'm saying, it's something
• 44:51
  Speaker 3: I lived.
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: And that's what gives the integrity. Gives integrity to the message,
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: is things that you suffered and live behind the scenes
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: of the message. Yeah, that's what I love about what
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: you're sharing. Now. You had an attempt to take your
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: life and you survived. What were your thoughts after you survived?
• 45:24
  Speaker 3: You know, immediately and I brought my journal down because
• 45:27
  Speaker 3: I went and found it, you know, like a few
• 45:30
  Speaker 3: days before the attempt happened, in a couple of days after,
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: I was writing in this journal. But I remember I
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: still was thinking I'm never going to get out of this. Like,
• 45:40
  Speaker 3: even though the Lord like brought me through, I was
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: still in deep misery, deep misery. I had to stay
• 45:48
  Speaker 3: with my mother for months just to be monored.
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 45:53
  Speaker 3: I cried in our garage, I mean for hours. My
• 45:57
  Speaker 3: stepfather used to come outside and he and that's when
• 45:59
  Speaker 3: we used to have headphone because I was like twenty
• 46:01
  Speaker 3: one when this happened, and I would just sit in
• 46:04
  Speaker 3: the garage and just cry and weep. I don't know
• 46:07
  Speaker 3: how I kept a job, but my cubicle was in
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: the back. All I did for eight I was just cry.
• 46:12
  Speaker 3: It was actually horrible. After I didn't come to some
• 46:16
  Speaker 3: new profound like the Lord. You know. It was just
• 46:19
  Speaker 3: like I felt like on one hand God was assuring
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: me to continue, and on the other hand, the enemy
• 46:28
  Speaker 3: was still confirming why you should have done it, you know,
• 46:32
  Speaker 3: So it did not It was interesting because you know,
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: people don't talk about like what lead you there? Right,
• 46:44
  Speaker 3: We don't just arrive to those dolls. So again, for
• 46:49
  Speaker 3: someone that grew up at birth, you know, being told
• 46:53
  Speaker 3: that you were supposed to be an abortion, and then
• 46:57
  Speaker 3: you are now in a family where your addictive father
• 47:02
  Speaker 3: is now bringing misery to everyone, it's like we don't
• 47:06
  Speaker 3: want you either, and you grow up in that. Though
• 47:09
  Speaker 3: I had a loving family, it's still I felt very unwanted.
• 47:12
  Speaker 3: So then you try to find love through men. And
• 47:14
  Speaker 3: because both men on both sides of my families are
• 47:20
  Speaker 3: in the street life. So I grew up around drugs.
• 47:24
  Speaker 3: I grew up in the street, A date at dealers,
• 47:28
  Speaker 3: that's all I knew. I didn't have a desire for
• 47:30
  Speaker 3: any of this stuff people see. Everything people see is
• 47:32
  Speaker 3: literally the Lord redeeming my life, and so I was
• 47:38
  Speaker 3: on a fast track to hell. Let's be very clear.
• 47:44
  Speaker 3: And so I never forget, and I shared this with
• 47:48
  Speaker 3: you briefly. We don't talk about even the effects of abortions.
• 47:54
  Speaker 3: So I had an abortion at eighteen, and the father
• 47:58
  Speaker 3: didn't want that child either, So that's what led to
• 48:00
  Speaker 3: the abortion. And all of the trauma from that didn't
• 48:06
  Speaker 3: happen immediately. It happened two years later. So it arrived
• 48:10
  Speaker 3: at my door at twenty where my brain shut down.
• 48:14
  Speaker 3: I could no longer be around children. Out of the blue,
• 48:17
  Speaker 3: a child walked past my car and I lost it
• 48:21
  Speaker 3: and it was like something just clicked off. And I
• 48:26
  Speaker 3: used to go out like every night to the club.
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: You know, show up at work at six am, but
• 48:31
  Speaker 3: you going to party, go and do all things. People
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: look at my life now, like, oh my gosh, you're
• 48:35
  Speaker 3: so safe. That girl, this girl was not bad. So
• 48:39
  Speaker 3: I would go out a lot. And again I told you,
• 48:41
  Speaker 3: my father was he My father did drugs but also
• 48:44
  Speaker 3: sold drugs. My dad did a lot of all the things.
• 48:48
  Speaker 3: But I went out to a club one night and
• 48:51
  Speaker 3: was a guy that I went to school with. We're
• 48:53
  Speaker 3: in the nightclub. I remember he looked at me across
• 48:55
  Speaker 3: the room and we just somehow locked eyes and he
• 48:59
  Speaker 3: looked at me and was like, and I know what
• 49:05
  Speaker 3: that means. I'm from the street. So it was like
• 49:09
  Speaker 3: he walked up to me, he said, your dad saw
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: me some bad dope, so you know what that means.
• 49:16
  Speaker 3: And it was like something broke. I don't I can't
• 49:21
  Speaker 3: explain it, but it was almost like if somebody had schizophrenia.
• 49:27
  Speaker 3: Something in my brain broke. That day. I went into
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: paranoia because again I dated only drug dealers at the time,
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: and then I would get random calls like oh, we
• 49:40
  Speaker 3: know where you live and you know so my It
• 49:42
  Speaker 3: was just so much going on during that time. And
• 49:47
  Speaker 3: I remember I was trying to take a shower and
• 49:49
  Speaker 3: I couldn't even take a shower because my body was
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: feeled like I lit like paranoia every single day all
• 49:54
  Speaker 3: day long, thinking either somebody was gonna kill me, or
• 49:56
  Speaker 3: somebody was gonna run in my house, or you know what,
• 49:59
  Speaker 3: all the things. And I remember I just called my
• 50:01
  Speaker 3: mom and I just she said hello, and I said, Ma,
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: and I you know something about our moms, you know,
• 50:08
  Speaker 3: they know their children. She said, get to my house now,
• 50:13
  Speaker 3: and I said okay, and I ran out that house
• 50:16
  Speaker 3: because I could not understand what was happening, and it
• 50:18
  Speaker 3: was just like everything just went black. And so what
• 50:23
  Speaker 3: I realized is that I've always had a fear of
• 50:27
  Speaker 3: premature death since I was a child, and I feel
• 50:31
  Speaker 3: like the enemy thought his greatest attack was to steal
• 50:35
  Speaker 3: my mind at any way he could do it. And
• 50:38
  Speaker 3: so during that time, I would say, like the thoughts,
• 50:46
  Speaker 3: even after the attempt, they didn't stop. It probably took
• 50:48
  Speaker 3: another year for me to physically come out of that.
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: But I think that I know not. I think I
• 50:59
  Speaker 3: was all of my friends, I said, I remember before
• 51:02
  Speaker 3: the attack, it was seven days prior. I was riding
• 51:05
  Speaker 3: my car. It was twenty twenty one, and you kept
• 51:09
  Speaker 3: hearing like, oh, annointing, annoying, anointing, and I was like, God,
• 51:13
  Speaker 3: I want the anointance. I don't know what that is,
• 51:15
  Speaker 3: but I want it, like literally, that's what I'm saying
• 51:17
  Speaker 3: driving in my car. Seven days later, all hell broke loose.
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: That's what happened in seven days. And my life completely
• 51:24
  Speaker 3: changed after that. And I think in the black community,
• 51:28
  Speaker 3: we don't have language for those things, so I didn't
• 51:31
  Speaker 3: have support. My family loved me, but they did not
• 51:33
  Speaker 3: know how to support a child that had deep depression,
• 51:38
  Speaker 3: suicidal thoughts constantly like it. My parents were hard workers
• 51:46
  Speaker 3: and tough love. So it's like you got to snap
• 51:49
  Speaker 3: up out of it. There is no like, oh, we
• 51:51
  Speaker 3: need to get a therapist at that time, therapists for
• 51:54
  Speaker 3: crazy people, you know. So it was really hard trying
• 51:58
  Speaker 3: to maneuver, you know, a mental health crisis when nobody
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: has language for it.
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, wow, Oh Man, to hear your journey and
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: how you navigate it. To be this woman that is
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: not only tailoring people, but a woman that had a
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: tailored life by God, with all of the trauma, with
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: all of the pain, to fail, suicide attempts, losing your mind,
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: but it feels like that God was leading you to
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: what you are today.
• 52:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah. So I think that's the beauty I always find
• 52:49
  Speaker 3: in my story. Oh yeah, this, this life of mine
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: has hurt me greatly. Okay, let's see very clear. It
• 52:57
  Speaker 3: has led me very very bloody bloody. But I cannot
• 53:02
  Speaker 3: you know, and somebody be like, oh no, no, no,
• 53:05
  Speaker 3: I cannot deny to be called a friend of God.
• 53:12
  Speaker 3: All of it was worth it, and everybody can't get
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: there and I'm not expecting them to right, I'm not
• 53:18
  Speaker 3: expecting you to say like your suicide attempt was, you know,
• 53:21
  Speaker 3: you can see the glory in that. But what I
• 53:23
  Speaker 3: realized is that when I came out of that in full,
• 53:28
  Speaker 3: what the Lord had given me, and I want to
• 53:32
  Speaker 3: use it carefully, not to say just in exchange, but
• 53:34
  Speaker 3: what the Lord had given me, because again I believe
• 53:36
  Speaker 3: everything does work together for my good what the Lord
• 53:39
  Speaker 3: had given me in that moment. You can't put a
• 53:42
  Speaker 3: price tag on what God has given me. There's nothing
• 53:47
  Speaker 3: that There's no money that people could put on what
• 53:51
  Speaker 3: the Lord has given me. And so I think that's
• 53:54
  Speaker 3: where I always find beauty. As much as life has
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: tried to beat me and steal my mind constantly, I
• 54:04
  Speaker 3: am so grateful who the Lord has created me and
• 54:08
  Speaker 3: equipped me and made me to be today, and I
• 54:12
  Speaker 3: feel like it all had purpose. And I think, again,
• 54:16
  Speaker 3: the enemy knows that I'm a sniper, so if I
• 54:19
  Speaker 3: can take her mind, oh, she don't have no power,
• 54:22
  Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. So it's like he tried
• 54:26
  Speaker 3: and tried and tried and tried. But then when the
• 54:29
  Speaker 3: Lord really like, I'm surprised, I used to call churches, hospitals,
• 54:34
  Speaker 3: trying to check myself in. Somebody helped me. Please help me,
• 54:37
  Speaker 3: help me, you know, And I never forget. After my
• 54:42
  Speaker 3: mom passed, I call out like every church in my city.
• 54:46
  Speaker 3: I need help. I feel like I'm gonna die, like,
• 54:49
  Speaker 3: please help me, and I never forget. I call a
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: church and this man said, well, honey, we don't have
• 54:55
  Speaker 3: any therapy sessions here, but there's a lady that talks
• 54:58
  Speaker 3: to people who deal with grief. Because again, premature death
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: had been something I had struggled with since I was fourteen.
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: So after my mom passed, I told the Lord, I
• 55:09
  Speaker 3: don't think I'm gonna make it past thirty. I'm either
• 55:11
  Speaker 3: gonna kill myself or die of a heart attack a
• 55:13
  Speaker 3: broken heart. There's no way I'm gonna survive this. So
• 55:17
  Speaker 3: when somebody talks about a sound mind, I know for
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: a fact it's only the Lord that I'm saying. I
• 55:25
  Speaker 3: felt my mind slip before I thought I was gonna
• 55:28
  Speaker 3: be on the street talking to myself, you know, And
• 55:32
  Speaker 3: so that's my I'm just I love God so much
• 55:39
  Speaker 3: because what He has given me. Yeah, I can't even
• 55:46
  Speaker 3: describe it, you know, I really can't put into words.
• 55:50
  Speaker 3: But I think it all works together for your good,
• 55:54
  Speaker 3: even when it doesn't feel good.
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, man, to me to take a deep breath,
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: because as you're sitting here talking, I'm sitting here thinking
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: that my prayer every day God keep my mind. People,
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: y'all don't realize that there are people today that don't
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: have your right mind and they have no control. When
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: I'm in cities and I see people talking to themselves,
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: and I see people that are battling schizophrenical, back bipolar,
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: auditorial hallucinations, all of these different things, and I'm just thinking, man,
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: I'm so blessed to have my mind, because if you
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: don't have this, you have nothing. I always think about
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: their commercial back in the early nineties when they used
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: to say this is your brain, and this is your
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: brain on drugs, and they would drop an egg in
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: hot skill it and it would be frying, and they
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: would say a mind is a terrible thing in the ways. Yeah,
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: but a mind or a mind that is out of yourself,
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: it's a terrible place to be in. And I'm so
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: happy feed that you were here with the sound mind.
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: In closing, this has been such a rich thank you
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: for having me. Oh, so many people are going to
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: be blessed. What is healing for you?
• 57:35
  Speaker 3: I kind of mentioned it early, but I arrived to
• 57:38
  Speaker 3: the place in the scripture where it talks about again,
• 57:40
  Speaker 3: before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you.
• 57:44
  Speaker 3: I feel like healing to me was a return to self.
• 57:47
  Speaker 3: It was a return home. Yeah, it has been a
• 57:50
  Speaker 3: return home to the version of me that I didn't
• 57:53
  Speaker 3: even know. Because we think we know ourselves, we don't
• 57:56
  Speaker 3: know ourselves because you didn't form you. So I feel
• 58:00
  Speaker 3: like God has returned me back to the center. He's
• 58:03
  Speaker 3: returned me back home. I'm getting you to a place
• 58:06
  Speaker 3: where I knew you. Right. So that is what my
• 58:10
  Speaker 3: healing journey has been to me, is that it's simply
• 58:13
  Speaker 3: going home. Yeah.
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: You heard not only just from a woman who is
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: tailoring people as a sancturistic stylist. You heard from a
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: woman who is going on a journey of rediscovering herself,
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: as she says it, rediscovering who she was before she
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: got here, because her journey was predestined. And as God
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: said in his words, I knew THEE before I formed
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: THEE in our mother's womb. And I love what she said,
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: it's returning back to your original self. It's who God
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: intended for you to be. I don't know where you are,
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on in your life, and
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: I just want to take this opportunity to encourage you
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: that your life is so valuable. You are hearing my
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: story and other stories throughout the month of September for
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: National Suicide Prevention Month, and we're not oblivious that these
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: episodes are going to save everyone, but we're hoping that
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: one person comes across this story, comes across Fee Kevin
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: my story and the others to hear something that encouraged
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: you to keep pushing that no matter the dark place
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: that you're in, that you find light in one of
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: these episodes and one of these guests as they're sharing
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: so deeply and so transparent about their story. And I'm
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: hoping that you that you know, without a shadow of
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: a doubt, that you are valuable enough to stay because
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: you are needed. Again. If you know someone or yourself
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: that are struggling with suicidal thoughts, I want to encourage
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: you to call nine to eight eight Suicide Prevention Hotline.
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: This is a month of September where we're covering stories
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: and sharing testimonies of those who have survived, because not
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: only are we here to share our stories, we're also
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: here to share a living example that we were able
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: to find life on the other side of surviving. Until
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: next time, remember healing is a journey and wholeness is
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: the destination. Take care. Just here with Doctor J, a
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 1: from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows, and you can follow
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: me at King J. Barnett on Instagram and x and
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: follow us on YouTube. Just Heal, Doctor J.
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 2: Thanks listening and celebrating five years of the Black Effect
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 2: Podcast Network with us. Keep following because the next five
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: years are about to be even