Latest / Now That We're A Family / 527: 10 Controversial Family Rules In Our Home

Transcript

527: 10 Controversial Family Rules In Our Home · Now That We're A Family

0:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we're going to jump in to 10 controversial hard nose in our home when it comes to parenting and I'm going to fire think I'm going to start things off here Okay, you started I think last episode off so I want to start this one off No special labels for our children Okay, so we don't put them in boxes and this is because of this is my my desire
0:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And Katie honors it.
0:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But here's the deal.
0:23
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't do this perfectly.
0:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I think every parent falls Short and you know executing 100% on some of these like card knows that that you establish for your home But what I mean by no labels for our children is we don't label our children
0:37
[SPEAKER_00]: things like, oh, they're shy or they're really into books or that's our child that just is all about sports or there are outdoor kiddo and there are inside kiddo or their daddies, you know, the little girl their mom is boy and so on and so forth we will say, but
0:53
[SPEAKER_00]: things that are general about vopers like vopers are hard workers, vopers take initiative, vopers are problem solvers, vopers do hard things.
1:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we want those to be labels that our children can own and identify with.
1:08
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think that there is more lost when you start labeling children young in life and saying, oh, there are athletic one, or there are extrovert, there are introvert, there are social butterfly, there, you know, and you can go on and on on and on with different labels because I think you're putting that child in a box that's can hinder growth, but then you're also excluding the other children and you're saying, oh, well, that's not what I do.
1:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not the social one.
1:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And here's the deal, okay.
1:34
[SPEAKER_00]: the reason I don't think it's fair is because while that might be, why it might be true in your home that you've got a child that has, you know, he's more prone to going outdoors or you have another child that's more prone to opening a book and being the bookworm, all those things can be true things that might not be true or what's needed for the rest of their life.
1:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, like, it doesn't matter
2:00
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to be able to equip your child with the confidence that regardless of what's thrown at them in life, they can adapt and learn that skill in their own home, in a company, in ministry, and if they're taught at a young age, like, well, you don't really do outdoor things, or you don't work with your hands, or you're, you know, you love working on cars, you don't.
2:20
[SPEAKER_00]: The reality is, they're probably going to come upon something in their life where they need to do that.
2:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And if they've got that voice in the back of their head, I don't think it's helpful.
2:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, that is so good, Alisha.
2:30
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't want our kids identity to be fixed by something that we said as a parent.
2:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And so affirming something like, wow, you are such a good reader, or it makes me so happy to see a reading book.
2:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Or I love seeing you outdoors and working with your hands.
2:44
[SPEAKER_01]: You're so good at that, you're like your daddy, or something like that.
2:47
[SPEAKER_01]: affirming these traits that we see in our kids that are strengths for them is wonderful.
2:52
[SPEAKER_01]: But we don't want to tell them that is who they are because like you said that identity might not serve them five years from now.
2:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they need to be the guy in order to get the job or in order to get into the school in order to get in the program they want or whatever that needs to become the booksmart guy.
3:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's happening at 18 or 21 or 31.
3:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And we don't want to just have them put in those boxes.
3:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I think we see this a lot.
3:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I know we're still probably guilty of doing this.
3:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It's something that we aim to do.
3:24
[SPEAKER_00]: But being somebody that's top music lessons for the last, I guess, like 25 years now, which is crazy, or I guess 22 years.
3:31
[SPEAKER_00]: This happens a lot in families where a family with multiple children, this has happened, again, since the time I started teaching lessons, is they bring their kiddos in, they've got three kids, and they say, well, they're our musical one.
3:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like,
3:42
[SPEAKER_00]: They're seven, the other kids nine, like you're in you're already deciding that they're the musical one and the other ones, the athletic one.
3:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, you have no clue, right?
3:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Like that's the other reason it hinders growth.
3:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it, you do it to try to, I think parents sometimes do it to encourage growth, but I think it actually hinders growth.
4:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And this happens a lot, there's that book outliers that Malcolm Gladwell wrote a while back and I think it's really,
4:10
[SPEAKER_00]: insightful as to how we parents because a child will have a proclivity in a certain area and so we put all of our time and energy into that and so they do excel in that particular thing but it has less to do, less to do, less to do with whether or not they're naturally gifted and more it's like how quickly did they adapt to it early on like were they because there's so many musicians, so many kids that I've taught, okay, where one sibling was quicker in the first
4:40
[SPEAKER_00]: than the other sibling.
4:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And then after a year, two years, three years, sometimes four years, the other sibling is so, so beyond them.
4:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just saying that because of the rate of learning, that everybody, it's different for everybody.
4:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And the same goes with athletics, right?
4:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Where the kid in seventh, that seven, might seem so athletic and you can jump.
4:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're like, this is so great.
4:59
[SPEAKER_00]: But then the sibling, they're just developing that a little different, different rate.
5:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, or the 11 year old super gangly, and all the sudden is an athletic, and then he's going to hit his stride around like 13, 14.
5:10
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's like, like you said, development just happens at a certain rate.
5:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And so just because one kid's good at something now doesn't mean they're going to have the body type or the mental span or the desire to be something and be totally genetically set up for that thing or mentally prepared for that thing.
5:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And we just decided because they weren't that way at a young age.
5:34
[SPEAKER_01]: or the age when they're sibling caught on to it that that's just not going to be their thing.
5:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
5:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I think of that with piano.
5:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I was pretty good at classical piano and my third sister, Kelsey.
5:45
[SPEAKER_01]: She is the teacher for Votepra music academy online and our piano teacher said, she is so about at piano.
5:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I am going to drop her as a student.
5:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it turns out Kelsey's the best pianist out of all of us.
5:58
[SPEAKER_01]: She ended up going and finding a different piano teacher and just like blowing past all of us in the family.
6:07
[SPEAKER_01]: But my parents didn't put her in that box.
6:08
[SPEAKER_01]: They were just like, well, all our kids are just going to take music and this is fine.
6:12
[SPEAKER_01]: But she wasn't excelling at that instrument at that time.
6:16
[SPEAKER_01]: But the funny thing is, is now, she's the only one that's a professional musician in the family.
6:21
[SPEAKER_01]: You just, you just, your life is really good at that.
6:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And same thing with the whole daddy's girl, Mama's boy thing, that's sweet, but they might need that other parent.
6:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Chances are they welding that parent to step into their lives at another point.
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, maybe this girl is daddy's girl and she's gonna need mommy through puberty or something like that.
6:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we just, I say, we, I'm happy.
6:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I will happily tie boxes and silver bows around everyone
6:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Well and I think to just kind of reiterate your point, some of these labels might be accurate and you're saying it's true.
6:57
[SPEAKER_00]: We've got a child that's way better at working with their hands and so when something needs to be fixed in our home, we're going to have them do it.
7:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And I get that, like if you're viewing your home as a company or as this organization where you want it to run the most efficiently,
7:10
[SPEAKER_00]: then you can start distributing the roles accordingly, but don't label that person because it's limiting them and it's limiting the other siblings from getting that experience.
7:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Because like I said, they're going to get out of this context, where even though the person is maybe the worst at working with their hands and fixing things is going to need to do that at some point in their life.
7:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And so you don't want.
7:30
[SPEAKER_00]: them to have the mindset of like, well, I don't fix things.
7:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not the fix-up person.
7:34
[SPEAKER_00]: That was my older brother.
7:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And so anyways, I think that's why it's helpful to know.
7:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, these exist.
7:41
[SPEAKER_00]: It exists.
7:41
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to have kids that have proclivities and they have propensities that are obvious, but it doesn't actually serve them long term to put that title on them.
7:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
7:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
7:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I like it, Alisha.
7:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
7:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's a quick card now, and that is graphic teas.
7:58
[SPEAKER_01]: But this is when we've always had an emergency.
7:59
[SPEAKER_01]: We won't buy graphic teas for our kids.
8:02
[SPEAKER_01]: This is something we both grew up with.
8:03
[SPEAKER_01]: My dad wouldn't let any of us wear things with like Hannah Montana on it at the time, I think, or just different graphics, zoom, crash, things like that.
8:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I think we don't have a lot of kids.
8:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It just looks more cluttery.
8:17
[SPEAKER_01]: That's probably why our parents partially didn't like it.
8:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it was also partially an identity piece.
8:24
[SPEAKER_01]: They didn't want us identifying very heavily with certain characters or certain brands.
8:28
[SPEAKER_01]: They wanted or other people to be identifying as with certain brands or certain interests or things like that.
8:35
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just more a blank slate and people got to take you at face value.
8:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I never really got really into the philosophy of it, but I'm thinking there's just a few reasons why.
8:44
[SPEAKER_01]: That said, our kids win graphic teas.
8:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Like at fiddle competitions or at races or things like that, my son just came into me the other day and he was like, mommy, all my t-shirts are getting these holes in them.
9:00
[SPEAKER_01]: They're able to wear them around the house if they want to shirt, but like, they can't wear it in town.
9:05
[SPEAKER_01]: and he's like can you buy me some more of these and I'm like no I've never bought you one of those I'm not going to buy you one of those like we're on a stretch here where we haven't done competitions you haven't earned any t-shirt and I'm kind of hoping they all were out and I get just get a check them all out Of course when they win that t-shirt or if they get that t-shirt because they're in a basketball league that's the only sure that's
9:24
[SPEAKER_00]: more and for the foreseeable future.
9:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And we don't throw out those shirts.
9:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So we let them keep teased that they've won, but we do not purchase graphic t-shirts for a children.
9:35
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, the Voper to Music Academy fall competition is happening in October.
9:40
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's still time to sign up and get prepared to compete in this year's competition.
9:44
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to, okay, you don't have to compete in this year's competition, but it's a really inspirational thing to even observe in the community.
9:51
[SPEAKER_00]: There are so many kids that put a ton of time
9:53
[SPEAKER_00]: and energy into preparing two pieces to perform for the competition and real-life prize money is rewarded for the top five in each H. Category.
10:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Here's another thing.
10:03
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are somebody that's a musician this happened last year, your musician you take lessons from somebody else and you're like, I want to be a part of this competition.
10:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Guess what?
10:10
[SPEAKER_00]: You can be a part of the competition.
10:12
[SPEAKER_00]: You can join.
10:12
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a coupon below.
10:13
[SPEAKER_00]: You can join Voper, you can use Academy.
10:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You can compete.
10:16
[SPEAKER_00]: That's something that was really inspiring to all of the Voperate Music Academy students is they got to see musicians that weren't normally a part of the group calls, a part of the live coaching calls, come join the competition.
10:26
[SPEAKER_00]: So, it's for anybody and everybody, all ages, not all instruments.
10:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It's for piano, fiddle, guitar, ukulele, and mandolin.
10:35
[SPEAKER_00]: as well as collaboration.
10:36
[SPEAKER_00]: So I guess actually you can play in the instrument in the collaboration division because that's like a band competition.
10:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But check the link below.
10:43
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll get a 20% discount for each month that you are enrolled if you use that coupon code and you'll be able to be one of the competitors this year.
10:52
[SPEAKER_00]: See you over there.
10:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, something else we don't do is this is a hard no no unregulated sugar intake and so Again, this doesn't always happen.
11:00
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just what our rule is, okay?
11:03
[SPEAKER_01]: You see your good girl in four cookies.
11:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Let us know right.
11:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So when we go to a social function and there's yeah the cookie tray or there's treats there It's not just a free for all and they and we don't just say yeah just eat to your heart's desire or just have as many as you want to It is they've got to you know have it I guess signed off.
11:20
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to sign off on on every treat that they have even if it's out
11:23
[SPEAKER_00]: public setting.
11:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I know there's different.
11:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Some parents will say, hey, I want my kid to learn self-control and so they need to eat as much as they can so they experience getting sick and I don't agree with that philosophy at all because I think like it's also a good way to like kill your child, right?
11:37
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not statistically accurate.
11:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, let them consume as much of these toxic things as possible until they like what?
11:45
[SPEAKER_00]: You know?
11:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think it is a parent's role to be like, no, it's not good for you to have as many cookies as you want.
11:51
[SPEAKER_00]: You can have one cookie here or whatever, you know, whatever, I guess number you set.
11:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And so there really isn't ever a environment or a context, not a birthday party, their own birthday party where you say, okay, go all out.
12:03
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, some people maybe do that in Halloween or on Christmas or certain, you know, holidays or they're like, yeah, you get as many desserts as you want.
12:10
[SPEAKER_00]: We just don't ever have that.
12:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you can always have one.
12:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
12:13
[SPEAKER_01]: That's just so I thought it is.
12:14
[SPEAKER_01]: If you go to the parade, you get to pick one piece of candy.
12:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's pretty generous.
12:18
[SPEAKER_01]: As a kid, I rarely got to pick a piece of candy.
12:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And if we got a candy bar, we would split it with how many siblings there were.
12:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're talking seven pieces of a Snickers bar.
12:31
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you get one piece of seven or eight pieces of stuff.
12:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And they'll be, I mean, they'll be, again, like holiday weekends where they're getting a treat a day.
12:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like there's, there's back to back days that certainly still happens where it's like the sugar intake increases for a stretch of time.
12:46
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's never just unbridled up to them unregulated sugar intake.
12:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you're right.
12:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
12:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's another short short one.
12:57
[SPEAKER_01]: No children's church.
12:59
[SPEAKER_01]: This is something that we kind of slacked off on on our last our sixth.
13:04
[SPEAKER_01]: We put them in there.
13:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what do you want to say like four to six times?
13:07
[SPEAKER_00]: We did.
13:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was like honestly pretty sweet to just sit in church and now I have to worry about it, but honestly we paid for that other ways because church was kind of the test of how obedient is this child in public and we couldn't pacify him in church like we could other places.
13:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it just kind of became, we kind of got delayed and our parenting and we've walked you guys through that and it's been a very big encouragement since
13:37
[SPEAKER_01]: a life she actually takes him a lot now and sits with him and he's done so much better and it is a difficult thing, you know, we don't sit through a full service together anymore as a family are very often.
13:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I would say last week we did though.
13:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I think last week we were very close to being
13:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Was I in the last five or ten minutes?
13:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I got it, you're right.
13:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But we did really good.
13:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, because I think church on Sunday is always where the truth is revealed and how you're doing with the child training and the parenting with the young ones.
14:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we didn't like what the truth was.
14:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we decided to deceive ourselves there for a season and put him in, yeah, I guess the nurse, whatever you call that, yeah, child care and that.
14:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I guess he'd never done children's church.
14:16
[SPEAKER_00]: That's true.
14:16
[SPEAKER_01]: But we've done the nursery.
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's what that was.
14:19
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, youngest one.
14:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
14:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And but I do love worshiping together in church is a family.
14:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
14:25
[SPEAKER_01]: That's always been a win for us.
14:27
[SPEAKER_01]: We both grew up doing that.
14:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
14:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's just something we enjoy doing.
14:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
14:31
[SPEAKER_00]: We love having the kids with us.
14:33
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no doubt.
14:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
14:35
[SPEAKER_00]: We do not use any burning apps.
14:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
14:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And so okay.
14:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I will say we do utilize online learning.
14:42
[SPEAKER_00]: but no online learning apps.
14:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe you can describe the different skatees explain the difference, because web-based learning is far different than app-based learning.
14:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And this statistics are there.
14:54
[SPEAKER_00]: You've heard us talk about it.
14:55
[SPEAKER_00]: We're writing a book that includes some of those statistics and how many?
14:59
[SPEAKER_01]: You can pre-order our book.
15:01
[SPEAKER_00]: You're kidding.
15:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't, but it's like, it doesn't ship until the end of April.
15:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Whoa.
15:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I've next year.
15:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.
15:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm like Target, and there's these other places you can order it.
15:12
[SPEAKER_01]: It just isn't gonna ship for like a year.
15:15
[SPEAKER_00]: What?
15:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Wow, that's wild.
15:19
[SPEAKER_00]: That is crazy.
15:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Anyways, so that's something that again, we don't want to discourage people from benefiting from the online learning resources that there are, but if there's a web-based version of whatever the resources you're using, we just encourage you to use that versus the app like on an iPad or certainly like on a phone.
15:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And we'll get to, I'm sure more detail as to why, as we continue on this journey of getting to come out
15:46
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just something that we don't do we utilize online learning, but not online learning apps I was asking the boys on the way in today.
15:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I said, hey, what's something we do in our family that's like a rule that other families don't have You know both our boys said video games We don't do video games and it's funny that doesn't pop up in my head because I didn't grow playing video games You didn't grow playing video games It's not like this is something we really had to cut out of our lives or anything to raise a different generation We just weren't around them growing up and
16:15
[SPEAKER_01]: But both our boys know because some of their friends do, they're kind of split in half of who plays games and who doesn't play games.
16:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I guess that's something they're still aware of.
16:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think this is just an easy no.
16:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not an easy no if their dad loves video games.
16:35
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a very difficult.
16:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Or they're more, like, the more I'm saying shit.
16:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It's true.
16:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Then I don't know.
16:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I probably wouldn't.
16:41
[SPEAKER_01]: But this was an easy one for us to let go of, or say no to, because we are raising a lot of boys.
16:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And video games are very addictive again.
16:51
[SPEAKER_01]: This was number one complaint we hear from women in the Q&A box is how much time their husband's been gaming, how hard that is on their marriage and their family life.
17:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when I see that, I guess, even though I have an experience to it, I'm like, I don't want to give our boys even if this is fun and it's memory building and it's all these things, something that's going to down the road, they're going to have to choose between a happy wife or enjoying this hobby that they have or spending time with their kids or enjoying this hobby that they have or pulling their kids into it and then giving their kids this hobby that then their kids are going to have to fight later in life.
17:26
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's just...
17:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not who knows what our boys are going to choose once they're at the age to choose it, but I've also seen just enough people, young people, young men I know is adolescents, or that's the number one addiction they're fighting.
17:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And so they're just kind of like, why go there.
17:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I guess.
17:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's probably a theme that we'll go beyond at just video games and many other vices that, and we just, I say that, like, I think that's what these things are vices, because that you can say the same thing with social media.
17:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've been, you know, I've fallen prey to many of these vices in my life.
18:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Social media, you know, sports media, I think.
18:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you think now, who would have thought that like online sports betting would be what it is now?
18:12
[SPEAKER_00]: for men and how many people do that because of the access to that.
18:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's something that was never a thing.
18:17
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like my dad didn't do it, I didn't do it.
18:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I think because we don't have smartphones, it's thought, you know, a factor in our life at all.
18:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think there's some things that like, if you can just not start on, it's, I think it is doing them a favor in long term.
18:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so anyways, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's,
18:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I guess it's always been a thing like, you know, horse racing, that's what I picture of sports, but that was yours.
18:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to go.
18:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you go.
18:50
[SPEAKER_00]: No blaming other children for our children's poor behavior.
18:55
[SPEAKER_00]: This is again, so we're not perfect in this, but that's certainly our heart's desire in marriage gay.
19:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know that this can come across as like, well, don't you want to take your child's side?
19:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Of course, we want to be advocates for our children.
19:06
[SPEAKER_00]: If they are wrong, if they are truly a victim, if they're injured by a bully, if they're bullied, we want to come to their aid.
19:13
[SPEAKER_00]: But we don't want other children's poor behavior to be an excuse for our children's poor behavior.
19:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's just a classic taking ownership, taking stewardship, whatever you want to call it, all you can control.
19:24
[SPEAKER_00]: is your behavior, right?
19:25
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't control what the other kids are saying or doing.
19:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care who started it.
19:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care whose idea was.
19:31
[SPEAKER_00]: You partook, and that's what we're going to focus on right now.
19:34
[SPEAKER_00]: That's all we can control.
19:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is something that I want my voice to be sober in life with, because obviously we want them to keep good company, but even good company, like when you're with crowds, what does, you know, what does Kippling say?
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if you can, uh,
19:49
[SPEAKER_00]: If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue and walk with kings or lose the common touch, like talking with crowds in and of itself is kind of dangerous.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You could be like, it's a good crowd, or it's like, no, there's something about mass numbers, you know, or just not even mass, just like multiples where like the danger increases in just like how coarse the language can get and the topics and then the behavior as well.
20:14
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, the house up and I mean, it's for women, it's for men, it's for children.
20:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like we are in the danger zone when we are with crowds.
20:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly.
20:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And so you have to start early just taking ownership of your own decisions, your own behavior.
20:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and I think that's something that we want to.
20:31
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
20:32
[SPEAKER_00]: That the way that looks in parenting is this like we hold the kids accountable for their behavior not like not.
20:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And we don't excuse it if it was maybe even induced by somebody else leading them to that poor behavior.
20:42
[SPEAKER_00]: They were the ones that controlled their behavior.
20:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and Elijah's a stickler on this, which I think is really good for our kids.
20:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But you also take, you'll give the kids, like you said, you're looking out for them.
20:55
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you aren't, you aren't going to defend another kid that needs defending.
20:58
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's kind of like, okay, what is your role on this?
21:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I don't want to be me, I'm not mean to my kids if somebody purposefully
21:05
[SPEAKER_00]: It gives him a cheap shot in whatever, in Jiu Jitsu.
21:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying, well, you deserve that, or you, like, I'm not going to be mean like that.
21:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not going to excuse the other kids behavior, and be like, yeah, that's wrong.
21:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry, that happened.
21:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you never do anything like that.
21:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Or I'll be like, hey, I'm proud of you for not retaliating.
21:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But if they do retaliate, that's another good lesson.
21:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that is just, that's always the person that gets caught anyways, is the person that retaliates.
21:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not even about getting caught.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, we're living before the Lord.
21:32
[SPEAKER_00]: But like you've got to learn early, you don't, you don't retaliate, you're the one that gets caught.
21:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, even if you feel justified in your behavior.
21:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, see, I always got caught.
21:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I should learn that one earlier than me.
21:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, this one's simple.
21:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Everybody mentions it though, and that is no sleepovers.
21:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I feel like, I don't even think that's controversial anymore.
21:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Everything bad happens at sleepovers consistently.
21:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm serious.
21:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, when are you going to go, let your child go over,
22:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Like number one like no one's getting any sleep at the end of the day they're coming back Grouchy and even if nothing went wrong but um every bad case every bad story I hear of it happened at Friendsleep over and so I'm just kind of like that's an easy no for us.
22:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so you're talking like sleepovers as a party, because our kids have stayed with my parents or your parents for their watching our kids.
22:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
22:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So our kids sleep at other people's homes, or family members homes.
22:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Basically, grandparents and other family members if we're there, but even then, they don't have like, cousins sleepovers.
22:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, just a little bit.
22:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Just stay at cousin's houses or stuff like that.
22:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, if we're there.
22:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I always associate, yeah, the sleepovers with like,
22:48
[SPEAKER_00]: movies, candy, junk food.
22:50
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a part of the sleep over party kind of with young kids.
22:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And I did I attended a couple of those.
22:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I think as a as a child, and I was able to live through all of them, like be able to talk about it, be here today to talk about it.
23:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, so far we haven't done that with our kids and that's not going to happen.
23:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what's funny is we've had like in high school and beyond, I had tons of girls come stay at our house and we'd all, you know, share bedroom and same with, I'd go to people's houses and but at that point, you're capable of taking care of yourself.
23:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And so these are things that we don't allow for our kids and won't until they're able to communicate and know what's right and say what's wrong in a situation and not be taken advantage of.
23:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
23:37
[SPEAKER_01]: This isn't like a forever thing, obviously.
23:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
23:40
[SPEAKER_01]: You know.
23:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, at their ages, that was great time.
23:45
[SPEAKER_00]: OK, did I go, OK, this is one that I have here too.
23:48
[SPEAKER_00]: How many have we done?
23:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's done eight.
23:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Eight.
23:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
23:50
[SPEAKER_00]: So I've got one more than do you have one more?
23:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
23:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, really?
23:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
23:53
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
23:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Or do you have more?
23:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, we kind of covered this a couple episodes ago, so I'll say it quickly.
23:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And we can just be one.
23:58
[SPEAKER_00]: We could do more than 10.
23:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I guess.
23:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'll see.
24:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You could go up one there whose podcast is anyways.
24:04
[SPEAKER_00]: No custom meals.
24:06
[SPEAKER_00]: for kids like individualized meals, like whatever the family's having for dinner, that's what everybody's having for dinner.
24:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And so when it's a birthday, that child will get to choose the meal, but it's what everybody's having.
24:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we're not saying, we don't do anything like, oh, they don't eat this, and so we're bringing this in instead.
24:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Not really, unfortunately, there's no crazy allergies, I know some people have to do that with allergies.
24:30
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have that, but then some people do that just because of preference as well.
24:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And what we don't do that.
24:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's good.
24:36
[SPEAKER_01]: That's true.
24:37
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't.
24:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It makes life really simple.
24:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Again, I think my dad had this concept, he said, raising 10 kids is easier than two kids.
24:47
[SPEAKER_01]: We're like, you need to write a book on that.
24:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think you just end up simplifying and streamlining because you have to.
24:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it just makes life smoother because you can't, you know, have you read the seven silly eaters?
24:59
[SPEAKER_01]: If not, you need to read the seven silly eaters.
25:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it says it all.
25:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It does.
25:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
25:04
[SPEAKER_01]: We have no TV in our home and I would combine with that.
25:09
[SPEAKER_01]: We have no screen time in our home that is so low screen time or babysat screen time.
25:17
[SPEAKER_01]: So basically, I feel like this screen time.
25:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like the kids, I would say the kids have no screen time.
25:22
[SPEAKER_01]: But we do watch movies as a family about once a quarter.
25:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So that is a screen time event where we pull out the computer and do that.
25:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And then also we do some school online.
25:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So like school in music.
25:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So they do use some educational resources like Elijah said that's on a screen.
25:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And we do a family movie night a few times a year.
25:43
[SPEAKER_01]: But other than that, there's no daily screen time.
25:46
[SPEAKER_01]: No like weekly Saturday cartoons, no morning screen time.
25:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there's no screen time they can count on.
25:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
25:52
[SPEAKER_01]: If that makes sense where they're sitting down to watch something.
25:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, because I think that happens a lot where there is, yeah, like you said, there's like a pre-scheduled and a lot at a amount of time that kids are planning on because whatever they finish their chores and then they get their 30 minutes of whatever it is or they get their 60 minutes of whatever it is.
26:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, there's still a lot of screen time in there.
26:11
[SPEAKER_00]: No, even if it's a road trip, we don't have like, okay, we're road tripping, we get to watch a movie.
26:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think we've ever, ever done that, movies on the road, have we done that?
26:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Never.
26:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And to me, that sounds more, I mean, you know, it sounds more chaotic than it would be peaceful.
26:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Because, like, of the kids being able to, I don't know.
26:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I go back and forth on that.
26:32
[SPEAKER_01]: They'd probably really enjoy that.
26:34
[SPEAKER_01]: But it could be hard to know what to do afterwards.
26:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, we just went on a road trip, where we did seven hours and then went to your grandma's burial and then seven hours back.
26:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was all in one day, we couldn't have entertained with the kids with movies for that long.
26:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So even if we're doing that for like seven hours, then there's seven hours where
26:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you know what, we do let them choose a movie if we're flying, and there's TVs on the back of the, there's screens on the back of the seats.
27:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We will, that'll be the reward for the last leg of the flight.
27:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, what we found with that actually, I remember this is we opted not to do it at first, but then they are watching all the other screens.
27:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
27:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And we realized this is actually worse.
27:18
[SPEAKER_01]: There's all these arraided movies on the planes and they're like, not like they're having nightmares.
27:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
27:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I saw this or I'm feeling this guilt because I saw this on the plane or like, you know what?
27:30
[SPEAKER_01]: We are turning on something for you.
27:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
27:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So now we have.
27:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Line them up and let them turn on movies if there's movies in the yeah, and so that's that's a good point So if there's no screen if it's a flight, you know, if it's a plane that doesn't have screens that's great We don't we don't do it obviously But if there's screens they're gonna be watching all the other ones and so we'd rather yeah, I think that was let the movie They're gonna watch Because initially we're like we're gonna do this and then it was like well This is doing more harm than good.
27:58
[SPEAKER_01]: We'd rather pick what they're watching nice.
28:00
[SPEAKER_00]: That was all those those are all the nose you have
28:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I think those are all the hard-knows.
28:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I was laughing you guys because we did a video like this.
28:08
[SPEAKER_01]: What is it like five years ago?
28:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And we had like no sports teams, no over-dinner commitments.
28:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I just like, no pre-package snacks.
28:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, this all comes with the sports team thing, and we totally have, um, um, uh,
28:25
[SPEAKER_00]: we're a sports family now.
28:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I know.
28:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I know.
28:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's just I think we're noticed for these these the season I guess.
28:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we always reserve the right to change our minds.
28:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, right.
28:35
[SPEAKER_00]: We're Christians for life.
28:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, we're following Christ for forever.
28:39
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a non-negotiable.
28:40
[SPEAKER_00]: We're never changing our mind on that when we're committed to each other in marriage for forever.
28:45
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a non-negotiable.
28:46
[SPEAKER_00]: We're committed to our children for life, but when it comes out of the practicality of, you know, how we do those things.
28:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Hard nose.
28:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
28:55
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, uh, we might, we might have to do another video in five years and be like scratch that.
29:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
29:01
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll see folks, uh, we'd love to hear some of your, some of the hard nose for your, uh, family.
29:06
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what, what are some things are hard, no in your home.
29:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Drop us in the comments below.
29:11
[SPEAKER_00]: and maybe we'll add them to our list, who knows, maybe we won't, maybe we'll get rid of some of our nos when we hear what yours are, and we'll trade them out, you know?
29:19
[SPEAKER_01]: They're gonna only be 10.
29:20
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think you have to get rid of one if you have one hand.
29:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yep, you do.
29:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Folks, thanks for listening.
29:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to you next time, bye-bye.
29:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Bye.