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What You're REALLY Feeling Underneath Anger · Trauma Free Relationship

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Hi, welcome to Trauma Free Relationship.
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If you're new, welcome if you're joining us for the first time,
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if you're back, thanks for coming back.
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I hope you're going to find a lot of value out of today's
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episode. My name is Tom Phil, and I've
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been working with couples for years to help them stop having
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the same fight over and over and over so that they can actually
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communicate and get to the root of the problem.
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Now in our episode today, I'm really excited about this one
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because this I think is something I see a lot in the
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couples that I work with as well as just individuals.
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This is something that to some degree is a normal, natural part
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of the way we're built as human beings that can actually trip us
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up in the long run rather than really helping us out.
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It does a great job protecting us in the short run, but doesn't
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always serve our best interests in the long run.
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So what we're going to talk about today is what you're
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really feeling underneath the anger.
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And so this is something that we often call a secondary emotion,
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and we will follow up on that here in just a moment.
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I'll describe more in detail what that means.
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But in this episode we're going to, we're really going to unpack
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3 things, right? We're going to cover what anger,
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why anger is not the primary emotion, what it is that anger
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is protecting and why anger actually keeps couples stuck in
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their cycles. So those, those are the three
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things we're really going to unpack and, and dive into.
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And so what's important to know from the outset about this
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discussion today is that look, we all, we all have a angry side
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and anger is an appropriate response for certain things.
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Anger helps us assert ourselves. Anger helps us set a boundary we
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might need to set with our partner or with others.
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Anger helps us advocate for ourselves and right wrongs and
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challenge somebody when we feel like we're being treated
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unfairly. So there's a place for anger in
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our world. What most people don't often get
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about anger is that it's on a continuum.
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So anger can be everything from slight, you know, slight
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irritation to outright uncontrollable rage.
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And anger doesn't always show U as somebody being completely
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dysregulated and out of control. Sometimes it certainly does.
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But somebody can can be rageful through their behavior but
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actually look calm on the outside.
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So it can be a tricky emotion to discern.
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Most of us encounter anger when we see somebody have an angry
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expression on her face. We all know what that looks
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like. That's sort of coded into our
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DNA to understand what anger looks like.
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The furrowed brows, the scrunched up face, the tight
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lips, right. We recognize what anger looks
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like. But being able to understand
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that anger, first of all, is on a continuum.
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So not all anger is is healthy and productive.
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Not all anger is bad either. And so the a healthy type of
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anger really, as I said, looks more like assertion.
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It looks more like, hey, wait, wait, wait a minute.
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I think you've got me wrong here.
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Or hang on, let's slow this down because I'm really feeling I
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misunderstood in this moment or, you know, that's not going to
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work for me. I'm going to say no to that and
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and my nose is going to be firm and so don't ask me any further.
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So it's being able to assert yourself.
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That's a healthy kind of anger. That's not always the the anger
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that most people show. And I put myself in that
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category too. When I get triggered, when I get
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upset, often times it comes out as a reactive type of anger.
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It comes out as what we call a secondary emotion, not a primary
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emotion. Angers.
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A primary emotion is that sort of assertiveness that I just
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talked about. Anger is a secondary emotion is,
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is very different. And that is usually more of a
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protective emotion. So often times what happens in
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in a protective emotion, is there something that we feel
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just right before we we move to anger?
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So we might feel hurt, we might feel shame, we might feel
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embarrassment, we might feel sadness.
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And, and if those emotions are too vulnerable for us to hold
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and contain long enough to understand what they're
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communicating to us, then oftentimes what we will do is we
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will move into what we call a secondary emotion.
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We move into and use anger to block this more primary emotion.
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And so anger allows us to do something sometimes with our
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feelings and it feels like we can be productive if we just get
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angry and force something to happen.
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And oftentimes anger is a a antidote to feeling helpless.
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When if I get triggered and I've been hurt, sometimes even though
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I can hold on to that hurt or might be able to, even though I
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might be able to understand what that hurt is expressing to me, I
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may not have a quick solution to that.
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It may not be easy for me to figure out how to solve the
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problem or how to use this sense of helplessness that I feel.
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And but if I get angry somehow, that can sort of charge me to
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then do something with my sense of helplessness.
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And so we often use anger as a secondary emotion to help
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protect a more vulnerable primary emotion.
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Anger usually comes across as blaming, criticizing, and we
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tend to want to focus on the source of what made us angry as
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opposed to focusing inward on our emotional reaction to that.
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So anger, secondary anger, anger is a secondary emotion.
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Protective emotion is usually focused outward.
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What is the source? What is the trigger that, that,
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that got me upset because that's what I need to focus in on.
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And, and I understand there's some value to that because part
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of what emotions do, including secondary emotions, is they skew
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our perception. We tend to focus in on what is
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the threat in this moment. And that's what I'm going to
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highlight. That's what I'm going to
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remember. That's what's going to be
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encoded in my emotional brain as what is the threat.
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Now other things may be happening there.
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My partner may be saying some other things that are non
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threatening, that are more explaining or that are more
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justifying or that are even more empathic in their statements,
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trying to help me maybe even in that moment.
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But in that moment, if I'm angry, what our emotions do is
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they tend to focus us in a way that we highlight what the cause
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of that emotion is. And so as I've said, anger is
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not a primary emotion. It is a secondary emotion.
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And when we have that, it tends to skew our perception because
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we're focused in on what feels like a threat, either 1A threat
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to our relationship, and I'm talking about emotional threats
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here, not physical threats, but a threat to our relationship or
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to a threat to our identity, meaning the way we see
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ourselves, who we believe ourselves to be.
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Sometimes people can say something, including our
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partners, that can create some real cognitive dissonance
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between what they might be thinking and seeing and and what
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we feel about ourselves. And so anger oftentimes takes
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that sense of helplessness and it motivates us to try to solve
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a problem and to push for a solution.
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And and it focuses us in on the source of what we feel like that
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problem is. Sometimes if we can keep that
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anger under control, that can help us escape a situation that
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feels dangerous. It can help us pay attention to
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danger. If if you're a single woman and
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you're car is sort of down some back alley, you know, after you
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leave a restaurant or whatever and you're walking alone, I hope
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you have a heightened sense of anger or a heightened sense of
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fear in that moment. And being alert and, and, and
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using what might be anger in that situation could be very
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helpful, right? If something was to happen and
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preparing yourself for that moment.
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The I mean, there are some instances where being able to
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set a firm boundary is, is very helpful.
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But in our closest relationships, often times using
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secondary anger as a solution to a problem or trying to get our
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partner to hear and understand this better through secondary
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anger, that usually works against us and that usually sets
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us up for a problem. So, so essentially secondary
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anger is an emotion we use to protect a more vulnerable
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emotion. And often times I'll ask, you
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know, a partner or a couple or whatever, you know, you know,
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what, what came up for you? What were you feeling in that
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moment? They said, well, I was angry.
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And then I'm like, well, OK, I get that.
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I clearly we could see that you're angry, but then I've got
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to scratch below the surface a little bit.
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I'm like, you know, if, if we move that anger out of the way,
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and this is our second point we're making today, if we can
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move that anger out of the way, was there anything you might
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have felt right before you felt angry?
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And sometimes they're able to, to think about it and go, you
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know, actually, I might have felt hurt or maybe I felt
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sadness or yeah, I, I, I felt like I was failing in that
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moment. So a bit of shame came up for
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me. And so sometimes people can move
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that anger out of the way, set it aside for a second and focus
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in on was there anything you felt prior to that anger?
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And when they do, then they begin to see in and understand
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this is how my secondary anger really shows up.
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Because when I feel hurt or sad or shame or fear, often times I
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will quickly move to anger to protect that feeling.
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And so when that hack happens, it can be very productive, very
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helpful. And it might have been that it
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was born out of the circumstance where anger was all the emotion
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that was recognized. Hurt, sadness, shame, fear.
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Maybe those weren't ever acknowledged by the people in
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your life or the person you were married to at the time.
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Maybe anger was only way that your family system or your
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partner could somehow see you and respond to you.
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And so it became normal then to use anger as a secondary emotion
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because that is what actually got acknowledged.
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But of course, there's a huge downside to that too, which is
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when we use anger, we can't. We're not really learning the
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information that our primary emotions are teaching us.
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And this is especially true if we get triggered and some past
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trauma comes up. So that anger, it might motivate
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us to do something, but it's also really much blocking those
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core wounds. Like I'm too much, I'm I'm never
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enough. I don't deserve love.
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You know, I have to fight to to get the love that I need.
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These kinds of core beliefs that were born of trauma.
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It really anger really blocks that ability to to do that.
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And also what it protects is the need that is at is at the bottom
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of those primary emotions when, when we are able to stop and
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hold the feeling of shame long enough to recognize, oh, this is
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my wound coming up of I'm I'm never enough.
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It seems like I can never get it right for my partner.
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No matter what I do, I just can't.
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I'm just not enough for them. What I need is I need some
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validation. I need some, I need some clarity
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and I need some feedback when I do get it right.
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Because otherwise I just stay in this protective layer of shame
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and angry anger at times that locks me in this, this
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metaphorical prison of always being never enough.
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And then if it gets triggered, I can't get the need met because I
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can't communicate the need because I'm not staying with the
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primary feeling long enough. I'm quickly jumping to this
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secondary emotion of anger. And so I yell back at my
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partner. I get so dysregulated, I have to
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leave the room, exit the fight, whatever it is I do in those
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moments that actually prevents me from really being able to
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communicate that. So you know what it what is
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secondary anger? It's a protective maneuver.
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It's it's a defensive maneuver. What is it blocking?
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What what is it that it's protecting?
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It's protecting our more primary feelings like hurt, shame, a
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past trauma. I'm too much.
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I'm never enough. I don't deserve love.
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And then it also really inhibits and, and makes it difficult for
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us to be able to reach those needs that are at the bottom of
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it. And those are usually primarily
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attachment needs of some kind. I, I need love, I need support,
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I need patience, I need care, I need softness.
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I need somebody to be able to sit with me long enough that I
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might be able to vent my anger for a second and then learn how
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to get to that more primary emotion so that then I can
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actually communicate what is underneath that reactive anger
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secondary emotion. And then finally, you know,
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anger fuels the cycle in the relationship because it keeps us
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stuck in the feedback loop. Think about it this way.
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If your partner says something that triggers you and, and your
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feelings get hurt and then all of a sudden you move to anger
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and you start being, you know, really assertive in your words,
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you start arguing back or you might just shut down.
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However you do that, but you're still angry inside.
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Shut down. Just because you're shut down
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doesn't mean you can't be angry. But, you know, you start
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reacting to that. What your partner's going to see
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on the outside is anger. And what they're going to
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usually do then is invoke their own reactions, invoke their own
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protections, whatever that might be.
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If you're more of an anxiously attached person, all of a sudden
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your anger is going to come out like criticism and you're going
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to go after with all this energy, your partner to try to
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get them to understand you. Your partner's going to be
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flooded by this. They're going to be angry that
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we're in a cycle again and they're going to begin to shut
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down because what they see is the anger.
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They don't see the hurt, they don't see the shame, they don't
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see the I just got triggered and I feel like I don't deserve love
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and I'm thrown back into this place that created the wound in
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the 1st place. They're not going to see that
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stuff. What they're going to see is
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what's on the outside. And so your partner's going to
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react to what's on the outside. And that's why secondary
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emotions like anger, which is one of our primary secondary
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emotions, that's why it tends to keep us stuck in these cycles,
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these vicious feedback loops. Your partner says something, it
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triggers you. You quickly move past your
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primary emotion into your secondary emotion.
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You're angry, you criticize your partner, they start to shut
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down. Now you feel even less heard,
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even more misunderstood. And this feedback loop
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continues. And this is just a full blown
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cycle at this point. So anger usually invites the
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very thing that we are trying to prevent, and that is if you
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don't want your partner shut down, anger is going to actually
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cause your partner shut down. If you don't want your partner
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to get angry, staying silent or not being emotionally available
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and responsive to them is going to make them feel abandoned and
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alone and they're probably going to use their secondary anger
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That then is going to invite the the whole conflict that you're
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trying to avoid in the 1st place if you're in the more avoidance
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style. So, you know, it can, it can go
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both ways for sure. But but usually what happens is
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our secondary emotions become self fulfilling prophecies in
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that we tend to invite the very thing that we're trying very
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hard to defend against. So if we don't want criticism,
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then usually our secondary anger somehow then ends up inviting
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that into that feedback loop, into that cycle and we stay
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stuck. So that's very much how our
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secondary anger actually continues to perpetuate those
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really vicious cycles that that that can really come to dominate
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the relationship. That's that's part of our
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program. What we help couples do is learn
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how to break those cycles so they can restore communication
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that they can repair faster and they can stay connected longer.
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And part of that is learning these secondary emotions, how
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they show up in our relationship, how they prevent
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us from getting to our primary emotions and our, and our
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primary needs. And as a result, actually just
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perpetuate that cycle. So what do we do about this?
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Well, one of the first things we have to do is we just have to be
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able to shift from anger to awareness.
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We need to be able to recognize, OK, this is I'm feeling angry
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and, and that temperature starting to rise inside my body.
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And I, I need to stop and I need to pause and I need to regulate
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and I need to calm down in this moment.
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And, and I need to be aware that if I get to the point where I
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get angry, I'm probably not going to show what it is I'm
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truly feeling. Secondly, I'm probably going to
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invite what I don't want to invite in the 1st place, our
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cycle. And 3rd, I'm really masking what
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it is I I need in this moment anyway.
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And so being able to stop and regulate yourself and shift from
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anger to awareness. The second thing we need to do
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is we need to speak from our primary emotion.
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When, when you said that right now, that really that kind of
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got me triggered and I'm trying hard not to get angry, but that
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kind of hurt my feelings that really hurt.
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Or you know, when you, when you did that in, in that moment,
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some, some feelings came up for me, like once again, I got it
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wrong for you. Once again, it's just not
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enough. I'm sure you didn't probably
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mean that, but I'm just sharing with you what it is that really
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triggered me in this moment and, and what's happening inside for
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me, if I could just hear from you some kind of encouragement,
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some kind of reassurance in this moment, I think it would really
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help me to stay engaged in this relationship.
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And so asking for what you need, as you saw me just do, is the
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final step as well. So awareness of how we move into
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our anger, awareness of our primary emotions underneath the
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anger, and then trying to drill down and hold that long enough
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so that we can then ask for what we need usually will really help
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us prevent or at least break a lot of those cycles out of
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there. OK, that's it for today.
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Hey, if you want to learn more, I want to invite you to give us
21:23
a call. You can find the link below.
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We do an exploratory call for anybody that's interested in
21:30
learning about our Cycle Reset program.
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There's no obligation. It might work for you, it might
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not. But if you're interested in
21:38
learning more, feel free to give us a call.
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We'll set up a brief time walk through the whole program with
21:44
you and just see if you're a fit for that.