Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #989 Winning at All Costs

Transcript

#989 Winning at All Costs · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Hello on
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. This is doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 1: So excited for a Tuesday where I get to answer
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  Speaker 1: your questions every Tuesday right here on the pod, answering
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  Speaker 1: your questions about what it's going to take to make
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  Speaker 1: your family happier to deal with the issues in raising kids.
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  Speaker 1: If you have a question you'd like to submit it to,
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  Speaker 1: go to Happy Families dot com dot AU, click on
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  Speaker 1: the podcast link and then push the record button. It's
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  Speaker 1: that simple. Oh and we're starting to run out of questions,
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  Speaker 1: so now's a good time to jump in because I
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  Speaker 1: can answer your questions really soon Happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot you click on the podcast link and push the
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  Speaker 1: record button, just like Bridget did.
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  Speaker 2: Hello Bridget here from Victoria, my mom of to My
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  Speaker 2: oldest son is five, turning six too. We are having
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  Speaker 2: difficulties with his competitiveness. He's always been very competitive and
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  Speaker 2: he has to be the winner. If he's not the winner,
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  Speaker 2: then we get him out down. We always gently remind
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  Speaker 2: him before we go for a play date or we
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  Speaker 2: do any activities that it's not a competition. We here
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  Speaker 2: to enjoy it, but he just can't seem to help
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  Speaker 2: himself turn it into a competition, and then if it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't go his way, he gets really upset. It really
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  Speaker 2: detracts from him enjoying these activities with his friends and
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  Speaker 2: just enjoying things for what they are. So we're hoping
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  Speaker 2: to get some advice.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is the classic. I'm taking my bat and
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  Speaker 1: ball on going home, toys out of the cot, having
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  Speaker 1: a dummy spirit because things aren't going my way. Really
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  Speaker 1: standard behavior like I'm faster than you, I'm better than you,
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  Speaker 1: I'm smarter than you. What did you get?
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  Speaker 3: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: I got this really really, I don't know how to
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  Speaker 1: say it other than it's the kind of behavior it'd
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  Speaker 1: expect in boys age between about six and twelve. I
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  Speaker 1: mean competition, being competitive, taking on somebody else, having confident
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  Speaker 1: it's inevitable. It's part of being a mammal. We do
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  Speaker 1: a lot of comparing. We do a lot of competing,
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  Speaker 1: We do a lot of conflicting. And as we do that,
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  Speaker 1: what it does is it sharpens us, It strengthens us.
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  Speaker 1: It makes us better if we let it, If we
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  Speaker 1: allow the competition to refine us. It's part of a
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  Speaker 1: combination of what I would call superpowers that have made
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  Speaker 1: humans the apex species on the planet. But competition and
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  Speaker 1: conflict need to work in harmony with this other superpower
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  Speaker 1: that we have, and that is cooperation. Unfortunately, little boys
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  Speaker 1: between six and ten are not that interested in cooperating
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  Speaker 1: when there's some ego on the line. This is totally
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  Speaker 1: developmentally appropriate. There's something about this age in particular. I
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  Speaker 1: think it's where thinking is really concrete. It's all about
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  Speaker 1: what's going through my mind right now and how I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to look and how I can build my identity
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  Speaker 1: around my competence and my capability. Up to about the
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  Speaker 1: age of twelve, just so competitive. I remember when I
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  Speaker 1: was a kid. I grew up with two brothers, Ben
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  Speaker 1: and Jay. They were two of my very best friends.
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  Speaker 1: And you've never seen this wasn't just competition. This was
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  Speaker 1: peak competition, absolutely as hardcore as it gets. Every time
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  Speaker 1: there was the slightest conflict, which was pretty much every
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  Speaker 1: five minutes when we were playing a game, doing anything
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  Speaker 1: at all, Ben would scream about dad Jay's being a
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  Speaker 1: bad I mean, it was just being a bad sport
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  Speaker 1: was the whole thing, and they were so competitive with
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  Speaker 1: each other, always taking each other on. I think they
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  Speaker 1: were about a year, maybe eighteen months apart, really really close,
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  Speaker 1: really standard behavior. What do you do about it? When
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  Speaker 1: you've got a little guy who is all about competition,
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  Speaker 1: being faster, being better, being smarter, being stronger than his
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  Speaker 1: mates or his siblings. This comes down to the idea
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  Speaker 1: that I want to be competent. That's fundamentally what it is,
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  Speaker 1: and also it ties in with identity as well. Let's
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  Speaker 1: talk about competence for just a sec There are three
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  Speaker 1: basic psychological needs that we all have. Number One, we
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  Speaker 1: want to have close relationships with others. We want to
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  Speaker 1: feel competent and cap all in. Number three, we want
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  Speaker 1: to have a sense of autonomy. Now we're going to
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  Speaker 1: leave autonomy to the side in this conversation because the
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  Speaker 1: other two are the ones that are really at the
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  Speaker 1: core of this discussion. If I want to look competent
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  Speaker 1: and to look competent, I have to beat you. That
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  Speaker 1: means my relationship with you is going to suffer, my
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  Speaker 1: relationship with the people around me is going to suffer.
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  Speaker 1: And so what we're really dealing with here is we've
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  Speaker 1: got a kid, and this is pretty standard. Like I said,
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  Speaker 1: with boys in this age group, where my identity is
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  Speaker 1: that I have to win. It's important for my sense
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  Speaker 1: of self. It's important for my sense of competence. It's
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  Speaker 1: important for me to be an environment where my basic
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  Speaker 1: psychological needs can be supported and I can remain motivated
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  Speaker 1: and positive about the activity that I'm doing. It's important
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  Speaker 1: that I destroy everybody and make them feel bad about themselves.
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  Speaker 1: The downside to this is that it ruptures relationships, and
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  Speaker 1: this is why in one of my books, Nine Ways
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  Speaker 1: to a Resilient Child, I argue that we want to
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  Speaker 1: minimize our kids' experience of competition for as long as
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  Speaker 1: we can, usually somewhere around about ten not twelve, where
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  Speaker 1: they start to get their head around what competition is
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  Speaker 1: and why it is the way that it is.
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 1: This is not entirely true, because you can have competence
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  Speaker 1: building and relatedness. What the real challenge is is how
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  Speaker 1: the competition is affecting identity. And this can either be
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  Speaker 1: a built in flow or a built in feature. It
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  Speaker 1: depends on what we do as parents here. If we've
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  Speaker 1: got kids who feel like competition is an opportunity for
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  Speaker 1: them to build identity as a winner. Then they will
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  Speaker 1: They will enjoy competition whileever they can win, and they
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  Speaker 1: will hate competition when they can't win, and they will
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  Speaker 1: see all of their friends and fellow competitors or dad
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  Speaker 1: or a sibling or whoever, they will see them as
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  Speaker 1: an adversary that needs to be destroyed. The only way
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  Speaker 1: I can feel good is to make you feel bad.
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  Speaker 1: Now that's not the thinking that's going through their heads,
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  Speaker 1: but that's the ultimate outcome. So what do we do?
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  Speaker 1: How do we make competition and this idea of desiring
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  Speaker 1: to be competitiveness because I want to feel competent. How
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  Speaker 1: do we turn that into a feature rather than a floor.
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  Speaker 1: I think there's a couple of things that we can do.
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  Speaker 1: Number One, we can encourage empathy. How do we do
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  Speaker 1: that when we've got a kid that's hell bent on winning,
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  Speaker 1: because that's how they prove to themselves that they're capable
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  Speaker 1: and competent and they're a winner. Like that's their identity,
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  Speaker 1: that's what they're pushing for. Number One, what we want
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  Speaker 1: to do is get them to think it through. Hey,
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  Speaker 1: when you win, how does it make you feel? How
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  Speaker 1: does it make the people around you feel what's it
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  Speaker 1: say about you when you win? And what we get
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  Speaker 1: to do is we start to have these more deep, meaningful,
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  Speaker 1: helpful conversations about how it's the way you win or
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  Speaker 1: the way you lose that matters. There's all that whole
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  Speaker 1: thing about it's not whether you win or lose, it's
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  Speaker 1: how you play the game. I don't think that that
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  Speaker 1: really washes with kids, especially in this age group. Winning matters,
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  Speaker 1: and I don't really have a problem with encouraging them
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  Speaker 1: to do well and to push for a win. I
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  Speaker 1: think that's healthy as well, that's totally normal. But it's
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  Speaker 1: not that you win. It's how you win, and it's
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  Speaker 1: not that you lose, it's how you lose. Having those
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  Speaker 1: sorts of conversations, what's it say about you when you win?
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  Speaker 1: What else does it say? Well, it says that I'm
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  Speaker 1: good at it. Great, that's competence. But what else does
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  Speaker 1: it say in terms of the way you value relationships?
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  Speaker 1: And if we can help kids to value the relationships
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  Speaker 1: as much as they value the outcome, that's when we
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  Speaker 1: start to make progress and help them to get into
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  Speaker 1: that deeper level where they're not just about conflict and competition,
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  Speaker 1: they're also about cooperation. I remember when I was growing up,
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  Speaker 1: I was at a school sports day and we were
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  Speaker 1: doing this Captain ball, king ball, tunnel ball sort of game.
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  Speaker 1: I can't remember what it was now, but I was
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  Speaker 1: getting really mad. I was in about grade seven, maybe
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  Speaker 1: grade eight, and it was a combined grades competition, and
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  Speaker 1: there was another kid, maybe a year or two younger
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  Speaker 1: than me, who just could not play this game. I
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  Speaker 1: was losing the plot and this guy in grade ten,
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  Speaker 1: one of the school's rugby players, highly regarded, great sportsman.
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  Speaker 1: He pulled me aside and he said, hey, justin It's
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  Speaker 1: just a game. And what he did with this wonderful
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  Speaker 1: confidence is he highlighted that sometimes competition really does matter.
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  Speaker 1: And when he's on that rugby field, you knew that
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  Speaker 1: competition mattered to him a great deal. He had his
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  Speaker 1: team around him and there was an opposing team and
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  Speaker 1: he was going to do everything he could to win.
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  Speaker 1: But as we were doing this sports day as an
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  Speaker 1: activity at school, he could see that what mattered more
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  Speaker 1: was relationships over winning. And it stayed with me my
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  Speaker 1: entire life because of the maturity that he showed in
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  Speaker 1: the way that he really put the relationship, above the
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  Speaker 1: competition and above the identity that I've got to win this.
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  Speaker 1: Build relationships through competition, invite cooperation, and you're on a winner. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: let's take a listen to question two.
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  Speaker 3: Hi, I'm beck here from Melbourne. Being a single mum
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  Speaker 3: on a tight budget. I do find it challenging to
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  Speaker 3: create the ideal nurturing home environment for my child with
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  Speaker 3: OCD and autism. Any suggestions fory resources that could help
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  Speaker 3: me implement clear rules and boundaries without triggering such anxiety
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  Speaker 3: fueled explosive reactions. How can I create the overall better
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  Speaker 3: prepared environment to help better support my child through those
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  Speaker 3: extra tough times.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Becky, I'm so grateful for this conversation, and I
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  Speaker 1: totally get why this is super hard. I believe that
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  Speaker 1: the resources that you want to develop need to be
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  Speaker 1: developed together. They need to be developed at home. I
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  Speaker 1: don't see these as the kinds of things that you're
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  Speaker 1: going to pick up off the shelf and they're going
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  Speaker 1: to simply work for your family. Life is hard already
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  Speaker 1: doing it with limited income, doing it on your own,
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  Speaker 1: doing it with a kiddo who's got some pretty challenging
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  Speaker 1: additional needs around OCD and autism. This is a tough gig.
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  Speaker 1: It's really really hard, and my hat goes off to
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  Speaker 1: you for just giving it a crack.
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  Speaker 3: Here's what I.
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  Speaker 1: Would be doing. I would not be overloading my child
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  Speaker 1: at all. Rather, I'd sit down and pull out some
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  Speaker 1: treats and say, hey, lately, our mornings have been a
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  Speaker 1: bit messy. How you're feeling about mornings? Are you feeling
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  Speaker 1: what I'm feeling? Just make sure that you're on the
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  Speaker 1: same page, You've got some level of alignment, and then
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  Speaker 1: step into what I would call the three ease of
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  Speaker 1: effective discipline. If you followed me for any length of time, Becky,
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  Speaker 1: you'd be familiar with this model that I developed maybe
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  Speaker 1: a decade ago. Now. The three e's are that you explore,
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  Speaker 1: you explain, you empower, So it would look like this, Hey,
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  Speaker 1: tell me what's going on with mornings for you. How
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  Speaker 1: do you feel in the morning, what works, what doesn't,
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  Speaker 1: What do you like? What don't you like? You're letting
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  Speaker 1: your child have a voice and explore what mornings are
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  Speaker 1: failing at and what mornings could look right with. This
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  Speaker 1: is a really tricky conversation, and that's why I recommend
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  Speaker 1: that you sit down, you take your time, you have
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  Speaker 1: some treats, some food stuff that's going to keep your
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  Speaker 1: child engaged in the conversation, and you ask questions without
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  Speaker 1: any agenda other than understanding. That's step one. Next is explain.
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  Speaker 1: And so to explain would go something like this, Well,
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  Speaker 1: I thought we could build a resource, we could build
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  Speaker 1: a checklist, we could build at whatever to help us
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  Speaker 1: get through the mornings. What do you reckon? So now
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  Speaker 1: we're bringing them in and we're giving them a sense
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  Speaker 1: of structure, we're giving them a sense of autonomy, and
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  Speaker 1: we're keeping the relationship feeling really good. Then we empower them.
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  Speaker 1: We say, okay, so if you're going to build your
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  Speaker 1: perfect morning, what would it look like? And we start
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  Speaker 1: to map it out. We don't necessarily have to have
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  Speaker 1: tight timeframes. We're not trying to put pressure on here.
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  Speaker 1: We're just trying to say what feels good. Do cuddles
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  Speaker 1: feel good in the morning, or is getting up and
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  Speaker 1: going for a walk with the dog feel good in
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  Speaker 1: the morning, Or do we want to have some reading
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  Speaker 1: time before anything has to happen? Maybe mum needs to
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  Speaker 1: bring a hot chocolate in first thing. I mean, you
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  Speaker 1: can be as expansive as you want with this, and
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  Speaker 1: you can really have fun. The other thing that you
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  Speaker 1: might bring up is what can we do the night
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  Speaker 1: before to make mornings easier? Your morning begins the night before.
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  Speaker 1: The more prep you do, the better the morning goes.
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  Speaker 1: This conversation has the elements of explore, explain, and empower,
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  Speaker 1: and it helps your child feel like they've got a voice.
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  Speaker 1: They get to listen to their voice as much as
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  Speaker 1: any other voice, and it's really profoundly valuable. You can
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  Speaker 1: do that with mornings, you can do it with afternoons,
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  Speaker 1: you can do it with the meal list. You can
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  Speaker 1: do it with any area where there's a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of friction, a little bit of fatigue, a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of challenge. So that's the way that I'd be going.
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  Speaker 1: I'd be looking at the three e's for all of
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  Speaker 1: those areas of challenge. Develop the resources and remember to
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  Speaker 1: check in every week or two and look at how
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  Speaker 1: it's going, refine it, Listen to your child and gauge
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  Speaker 1: things with them. The only other thing that I'd recommend
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  Speaker 1: as sort of a kickstart for you, Becky from Melbourne,
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  Speaker 1: is look for ways that you can have healthy and
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  Speaker 1: adaptive forms of involvement. Sometimes having the music cranked and
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  Speaker 1: doing the dishes together, going out of the backyard and
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  Speaker 1: pulling weeds together, doing the things that are going to
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  Speaker 1: work well for you to be involved together makes a difference.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe part of the routine is that you're reading together,
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  Speaker 1: or you listen to music together, or you're just doing
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  Speaker 1: that thing, you're playing that game that you both love.
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  Speaker 1: I'm looking for ways that you can be more involved,
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  Speaker 1: looking for ways that you can develop resources that your
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  Speaker 1: child has a voice in delivering and developing. And I
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  Speaker 1: think that that's going to be the best way forward.
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  Speaker 1: Is it going to be full? No, nothing is with parenting,
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  Speaker 1: especially when you're dealing with kids who have additional needs.
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  Speaker 1: But that should get you started. Thank you so much
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  Speaker 1: for your questions. If you have questions, I answer them
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: every Tuesday. You can go to Happy Families dot com
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: dot you click on the podcast link and then push
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: the record button. It is that easy. You can do it,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: just like Bridget and Becky from Melbourne. Look forward to
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: answering your questions again next week on the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media, Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd
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  Speaker 1: like more info about making your family happier, visit us
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au.