Latest / Intimacy After Infidelity | Cut Contact, Rebuild Trust, Shed Shame, Avoid Divorce, Forgiveness for Adultery / 118 | Why part of you still wants him and part of you can’t let go (yet)

Transcript

118 | Why part of you still wants him and part of you can’t let go (yet) · Intimacy After Infidelity | Cut Contact, Rebuild Trust, Shed Shame, Avoid Divorce, Forgiveness for Adultery

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Hey friend, welcome back.
Can we get really honest about something today? I am sure there is a part of you that still wants him, and if we're being honest, that part hasn't gone away just because you decided to end things or because your brain knows that it's not right.
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So what do you do with that feeling? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Do you feel ashamed of it? Or is there another way to actually understand that part of you? Is there a way that you could love her and still choose something different than what she wants? That is what we are gonna talk about today.
Hey, friend, before we dive in, I want to speak to you if you feel tired of this internal battle.
You're tired of analyzing your thoughts, of feeling pulled in two different directions.
You're honestly tired of knowing the truth, but not feeling strong enough to live it out.
I know you want to move on.
I know that you just want to feel some peace.
And that you want to feel whole again, but there's still that part of you that feels stuck or pulled back or just unsure of what to do and friend.
That is exactly why I created Rooted in Joy.
It is not just about information, let's be honest.
You can go to chat GPT for that.
It's not about more information, but it's about transformation and integrating all of these parts of you to create the life that you actually want.
This community is where we actually walk this out together in real time with real support and truth and compassion.
So friend, if you are ready to stop navigating this season alone.
I would love to walk with you, find me on Instagram, send me a message on Facebook, send me an email, and I would love to know your name, to hear your story, and to just see what might the next right step be for you.
So let's chat.
Okay, so let's start here.
You can know that something isn't right and still feel an attachment to it.
To still feel a draw towards wanting it.
And friend, let me be super clear.
That does not make you broken.
It actually just makes you human.
Can we just let that land for a minute? So many women come to me saying, I don't understand why I still want him.
I thought I was past this.
What's wrong with me? And my response is always the same.
Nothing is wrong with you.
In fact, you are not a project to be fixed.
You are a human that deserves to be loved, and there's a part of you that remembers what it felt like to be seen.
There is a part of you that remembers how it felt to be chosen.
To feel excitement and connection and emotional safety.
And you know what so many women say, they tell me when I was in the affair, I felt alive.
And so this part of you that remembers those feelings, she is not trying to sabotage your life even though it feels like it.
She's actually trying to hold onto something.
That at one point felt good.
She's trying to protect you from your sadness, from your loneliness, from the pain in your marriage and the difficult things of life.
This part that holds on to these good feelings.
She's not trying to sabotage you, she's trying to love you in a different kind of way.
And for me personally, even now.
Once in a while even I still feel that pool.
There are moments where my heart just wonders, how's he doing? Or I feel that old desire, man, it would ni, it would feel nice just to be seen again.
And if I'm honest, that part of me that is speaking is usually feeling lonely.
She's seeking connection.
She's seeking comfort, she's seeking something familiar.
And in those moments when I realize what's happening, I have a choice.
I can choose to reach out to him, or I can pause and listen to what that part of me actually needs.
And then I have the choice to choose differently next time.
Friend, this is really important.
Wanting something is not the same as choosing it.
You can feel desire, and you can stay aligned with truth and with your values and your priorities.
Even Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, on his way to the cross, even he prayed, God, would you take this cup from me? He didn't want the cross.
But he still chose it, not because he was ignoring his feelings, but because he was anchored in something deeper.
And Sister, the same applies to you.
When you feel a pool that you don't want to feel anymore.
You have the choice.
Of what you do next.
You can be so anchored in something deeper that that drives your decisions and your actions and your emotions that follow your thoughts.
So friend, this feeling, this desire, this longing, it does not disqualify you.
It's simply an invitation to look a little bit deeper.
So instead of judging yourself, critiquing yourself, beating yourself up and saying, why do I still want this pause? And try asking, what is this part of me needing right now? Because I promise you underneath that desire is something deeper.
Comfort, connection, affection, passion.
Relief escape.
Feeling known, feeling loved.
You fill in the blank.
And when those needs don't get met in a healthy way, well, your brain goes back to what used to meet them.
Even if it wasn't safe, wasn't sustainable, and wasn't what you actually wanted.
Your brain is going to offer you.
You're a fair partner because in a certain season.
You're a fair partner and that lifestyle met these needs, even though now you would say it was not in a healthy way.
Friend, I wanna give you a picture, and if you are listening to this, maybe around your house, I would invite you to just pause for a second.
Can you close your eyes now? If you're outside taking a walk or driving a car, do not worry about closing your eyes just.
Picture this as I describe it.
At one point you were standing outside where it was cold, it was raining.
There was a storm, it was the wind was blowing, and you stood there just shivering, cold, chilled to the bone, and you were waiting for someone else to bring you warmth to maybe offer you their coat to give you a hug.
To share their warmth with you to bring you some comfort.
But you know, you started to realize that you didn't need to be waiting for someone else to give you their warmth because you know, it was never very predictable.
You didn't know when they were gonna come or when it was gonna end.
You were still standing there.
And so eventually there came a time where you realized, you know what? There's actually a dry, warm, safe house cottage that's right behind me.
And Jesus has invited you inside this house.
And when you walked in, you felt the warmth, you felt the comfort, you felt the safety.
And so you're inside this house now and you've begun to build something safe for yourself.
Something grounded, something real, but there is still a part of you that is standing next to the window, looking out, remembering, wondering, maybe even romanticizing what was out there, friend, hear me? Nothing has gone wrong, but there's a part of you that's still adjusting.
To this new level of safety, this new life compared to what you knew outside before.
One of the biggest misconceptions that that I hear about is this, that healing means forcing yourself to stop feeling things or forcing yourself to feel a certain way and friend.
That is just not true.
You don't heal.
By forcing yourself anything, by putting pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or do a certain thing that's not healing.
In fact, healing is learning to choose better.
Healing is learning what makes you truly alive, and then choosing that again and again.
If you remember, scripture says, it's the kindness of the Lord that leads us to repentance, not pressure, not shame, not any kind of fear or threats, kindness.
And you know, Psalm 16 says, in your presence, God, there is fullness of joy.
And here's what that means.
You don't step away from that window and let go of your past.
Just because someone tells you to, you let go because you begin to experience something more real, something more kind, more stable, more loving, and more life-giving.
When you experience better, you choose better.
So friend, when that part of you shows up, that's still looking out the window to your past, thinking about a past person or a pattern or a habit, whatever it is that you keep getting drawn back to.
Can I give you a little exercise you can do? Would you just pause for a moment and notice, huh.
That's interesting that that part of me is still longing for this.
And then have a little conversation with yourself and ask, what do I actually need right now? And maybe just maybe instead of picking up your phone to text a guy, maybe you reach out to a friend.
Maybe you go for a walk.
Maybe you send a message to your coach who's there to support you.
Maybe you sit with God.
And maybe you let yourself be really honest about what you're thinking and feeling in that moment.
And every time you do that, friend, you are retraining your brain and your heart and your soul.
You are showing yourself.
There are other ways to receive connection.
You're telling yourself, I am not powerless.
And with God's help.
I can choose differently.
So friend, take a minute and just think, how ready are you to fully let go of whatever this thing is that has a hold on you.
You know, if you want like a scale of one to 10, a one being I do not wanna let this go, I will never be able to, or a 10 being, yeah, I'm ready to release this.
I am just curious, what number would you land on today? As you listen to this, where are you? And whatever number shows up for you.
That's okay.
You can't force readiness, just like you can't heal under pressure.
But if you're not totally happy with that number, let me just encourage you that you can grow it.
That number can change through honesty.
And compassion and truth, friend, you can't stay in this desire state forever.
You are being called to something greater, something more, more alignment, more peace, more integrity, more love, and to live in that more, it requires a choice, not perfection.
But just direction on where you're going.
So friend, if you're in a space where you wanna just chat about this more, I would love to honestly hear what number on that scale you landed on.
Or was it helpful to hear a little, little visualization like that? Could you picture yourself or was that a challenge? Was that hard for you? I had love to know what resonated with you and what are you curious about? And if you feel like you're in that space of goodness, I know the truth in my head, but my heart is not catching up.
You don't have to navigate that alone.
So whether we chat about if rooted in joy is right for you or a friend, if you come visit our free Facebook community.
Our free Facebook community is a space where you can be honest, you can get support, you can ask questions, and you can just be reminded that you are not alone on this journey.
I actually love going in there and going live to teach, to answer questions, and most importantly, just to support you and to love on you.
So you can find all those links in the show notes.
Can I pray for you? God I give you the woman that's listening right now.
You see her heart and you see the part of her that still feels pulled and attached.
God, I thank you that even in this moment, you are not disappointed in her.
God, you are kind and patient and so near, so God, would you meet her in that space? Would you show her what she really needs and remind her that you are the source of that need? Father, give her courage, give her strength, and would you begin to replace whatever it was that she thought she needed? Replace it with something deeper and truer and more life-giving, all rooted in you.
God filler with peace and with hope.
And remind her that she's not alone In Jesus name, amen.