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Your Phone is Full of People You Don't Text · Different Lives Same Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And welcome to Different Lives, Same Thoughts.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Nikki and I'm Shada.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, quick intro before you start listening to our other episodes.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a real estate agent in the Metro West Boston area.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I moved to Massachusetts not long ago.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I switched careers.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a mom and I'm an immigrant who built a new life from scratch.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I also run around way too much.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Girl Scouts, school livings, community stuff.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I pretty much say yes to everything, but that's a topic for another episode.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: We'll talk about that.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Shayda, the corporate one.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm also building a business on the side.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so my days are basically two jobs back to back.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm single, I live in a big city in Texas, and I'm trying to find my husband.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So on paper, our lives look pretty different.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Very different.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: But every time we get on a call, we end up saying the same thing.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, you feel the same way too?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely at ourselves.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what's coming.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: We will talk about finding friendship as an adult, which is harder than anyone else tells you.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: We'll talk about money, we'll talk about the most interesting aspect of Shayda's life, which is dating.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: We will also talk about things that we used to enjoy when we were in our 20s, but we don't enjoy now as much in our 30s.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: So, new episodes drop bi-weekly on Wednesdays.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you listen to your podcasts.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: If something we say sounds like your life, send it to a friend.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's how this grows.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And tell us what you want us to talk about.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can give us your suggestions via email.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can email us at differentlifesame thoughts at gmail.com, or you can find our Instagram, DLST Podcast.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so here's the thing: nobody tells you.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Making a friend at 30 plus feels exactly like you're asking someone on a date because you find a person, you like them, and then you get their d number, and you then try to text them.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You overthink the text, you delete the text for like two days, and then you know, and then you send, we should get a coffee sometime.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that sometime kind of never happens because you know you didn't fix any date.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then as soon as you text them, you just want to put your phone away somewhere or hide it in the fridge because you don't know if they're gonna respond.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's very um it's like because no one does the follow-up, right?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: So you kind of just send the message and hope a follow-up comes.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then they will say, like, oh yeah, let's do it soon.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then the soon, it never happens because it's kind of like you know, telling my daughter that if she says, Oh yeah, I want to go to the playground, I'll be like, Oh yeah, we're going in the evening.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then the evening comes and I'll be like, Oh no, it's dark outside now.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot go anymore.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's the same thing.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, welcome to different lives, same thoughts.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Shayda.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm Nikki, and we are two women in pretty different phases of life.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sheada is in the corporate world, but she's also building a business on the side, and I'm an immigrant mom trying to figure out my own business.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a real estate agent and also the school pickup line.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Different lives, same thoughts.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: We come at things from opposite corners and land in the same weird spot.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, today's topic, we're talking about finding friendship as adults.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Nikki, you wanted this to be episode one.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Why start here?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's the thing that most people are embarrassed to talk about.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it turns out that everyone kind of feels it at some point uh um that they want to go out, make new friends, but they cannot.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just like today, I had a conversation with this mom that just texted me out of nowhere and she was like, I hope you don't mind that I am trying to create a group on WhatsApp for the moms who live close to me because I have my own Facebook group for moms.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then and then she was like, I hope you don't mind like I'm coming at you with like you know, competition or something.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I was over here, like, no, please go right ahead.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Please do it.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: We need more people like that.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And as an immigrant, I moved here years ago.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, when you move to a new country and you don't have any support system here, your people, like your village and you know, people, but then back home, you have so many family members, so many friends who just know you and who just get you.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of hard to have that here.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about it because you know, everyone at some point in their life relates to the fact that making friendship as an adult is very tough.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And and you thought you were the only one, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, honestly, it's most of us problem because you know, at some point everyone thinks, like, oh, I'm the only one who does not have friends.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone, everyone looks at their social media and go, Oh my god, they did this this weekend, but they're friends.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I sitting in front of my TV and doing nothing?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: But is that true?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the obvious one.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: We all had friends during school, college, our first job.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Where do they go?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: They don't go, honestly, they don't go anywhere.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's just life happens and distance happens, and it just puts like a rift between you.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't even call like a rift, it's kind of like you know, you get busy in your own life trying to, you know, get a job, make money, buy a home, get settled, have kids.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's one after the other milestones.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as focused you get on those milestones, you kind of forget the fact that you have your village.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: But then once you reach, once you have kids, and then you know, it's time for your kids to socialize, you think back and you know, and understand, oh god, why didn't I not fall up with my friends more?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And what made and also the fact that, you know, when you're in college, you live close by and you didn't have responsibilities, and the proximity kind of made it easy for those friendships to never fade away because you saw the same people every single day.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: You have classes, you had you know, classes with them, whether you planned planned it or not.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it you just happen to walk around in the campus, go to the library, and you see the same people.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so it's like forced repetition, right?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And because nobody scheduled it, you know, it's it's like and then adulthood happened, and then it kind of quietly removes that repetition, and now you have to create your own, you know, own routine and create your own room for yourself around your job, around your family, around your kids, and the laundry list that things that you have that you have to finish before the end of the day or end of the week, it kind of goes in the back end of your priority.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: And you think work would solve this, right?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're in the same room all day.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, however, like you have a second job, right?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're working, and then at the end of the day, you have to go home, you have to cook, you have to clean, like you said, laundry.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: So you're always thinking of the other things you have to do after work.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if I don't, so one other thing is that if I don't have it in my calendar, then I forget it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and if someone says, Oh, you know what, let's grab a coffee, and if I don't come up with a date, I I forget to follow up.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's the same with other people because for me, I have a hundred different things with my daughter.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I have like her uh, you know, her school and then her arts class, her um, you know, dance class, her singing class, all these classes, and on top of that, oh my god, did I text my friend or you know, did I text uh this woman I met at my daughter's school about grabbing a coffee?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because it just doesn't happen anymore.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not the top of my list to-do list because I have a hundred different things.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: My laundry is still sitting in my guest room, unfolded.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I am pretty much ignoring my to-do list at this point.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're being brutally honest.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, what would you you have uh you know taste now?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a 20-year-old will be friends with anyone standing nearby.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I I had friends like it's so many friends.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was the social butterfly.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: But then at 30, 33 and 34, I have like what one, two, maybe like five on a good month, three hours a good month.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then you have to think, okay, is that person worth it?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, is that person worth my energy?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: At because you know, at that five hours time, I would rather scroll on my TikTok, but than have a face-to-face interaction, which is kind of sad, honestly.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like we need to unpack that in a little bit because you know, I get into bed as soon as my daughter goes to bed, and then I just refuse to get out of it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then also the fact that there are some people who still meet at like nine o'clock in the evening, that's like a whole different conversation.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have kids, but that is not a time I'm meeting anymore.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's dark outside.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Too late.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in my pajamas already.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: So the bar is on the floor, and you really need like a motivation to really get, I guess, schedule that time to make these friends, right?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so it's kind of like both.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: The bar is definitely low, but then you also have kind of these standards, you know, which you set up for yourself.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: As I said in the beginning, it's kind of like, you know, dating, you know, because you at some point you'd be like, oh, I gotta settle.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: No, we don't all have to settle, Nikki.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I didn't settle, to be very honest.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I did not settle.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I had specific requirements.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you were young.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: You were young, the pool is big, the pool is getting smaller for me.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we are gonna talk about our episode by coming back to the friendship, you know.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I exact as you know, the bar is definitely low when you were young, but now you have some standards because you know, your kids are watching, especially my daughter.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: She sees who I hang out with.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want her to hang out with, you know, questionable crowd.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so uh, but then again, you end up alone.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, not because you're not hanging with questionable crowd, that's not I'm saying, but you know, you do end up alone.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: You do, and it so it feels like um a different type of loneliness, right?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, what did the loneliness actually feel like day-to-day for you?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was I'm not even being like overreacting or being like, you know, a drama drama queen, but it was like very quiet because you know, uh when my daughter was young, like when she was six months old, COVID happened and everything shut down.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't go to any, you know, mom and me Jimberry classes or you know, baby Pilates class, or there I don't know if Pilates was even there during that time.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't big maybe, but any even like you know, mom and me classes.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't go to those things.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And because you couldn't because of social distancing.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and then, but then it's like a normal weekday.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter either she loses a tooth or she says something hilarious, which gets me laughing even the next day if I think about it.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I go to text someone, and then I realize that everyone on that list lives in a different time zone or a different country.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because I studied in India and then I went to Australia, and it's like in by the time I wake up, it's already evening in India, and it's not evening in Australia, but it's like literally in the middle of the night in Australia.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot text someone at 12 a.m.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when we are like in like 30s.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, you awake?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: You want to have a FaceTime?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so you have to do a lot of like calculations.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you find like that you can't.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then you know, you think like, Oh, am I bothering them?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then the moment passes, and then it just and it happens enough times that you feel like you're a little invisible in your own life, and especially like at some point during COVID, I kind of forgot who I was uh beyond being a mom.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that was definitely not okay.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I that's one of the reasons why kind of make it a habit to have other activities like talking to you for compass hours in a day multiple times, yes.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: I love it, I love it.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank you.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you're the first person that talks to me.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: So you know my gosh.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And you have a kid, so it's not like you have like free evenings like we talked about.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um I vent.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the times I do vent, don't I?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: But it's okay.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: What's the problem with venting?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Venting is good.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's it kind of gets heavy, right?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: It yeah, it kind of gets heavy because being an immigrant, there's an extra layer of me being an immigrant, you know.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, I came to this country for the American dream.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: So did not grow up here.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have childhood here.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know the town, like the back of like the back of my hand, you know.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I um and then no, you know, no, it's like a child I don't have like a childhood friend who lives like, you know, close by me.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or uh there I don't have any mom who can watch my kid when I have to go do something for myself, or when you know, me and my husband wants to have like a date night.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I built adult life in a place where I knew almost no one.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And from scratch as a grown-up, which is the hardest time to do it because you know you don't have the support system.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you zone.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: I can't relate.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot relate.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I cannot relate, but I respect all of your feelings, and I am jealous that you cannot relate.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: On the other side, as always being the friend that doesn't have children or a husband, my time is always like this is gonna sound really bad, but my time is not always valued.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: So the moment someone's child is a little bit has a runny nose, they cancel.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, oh, I was like really looking forward to that.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can I let you in on a secret?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, most of the time the child's running nose could also be a lie.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: I know, and we know it.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: We as the non- You cannot question, like, oh show me prove that your child is sick.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: You can't be like, wow, how dare you?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, of course, I don't want your kids' germs.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want them.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: But it's one of the perks, one of the perks that I'm definitely not jealous of is that um, I'm no, sorry.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: One of the perks that I'm definitely more jealous is that you don't get it like a stomach bug whenever a little child has a stomach bug because I you have no idea, Shayra.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: We it's like a it's like a plague.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we avoid stomach bug like it's a plague.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like oh my god, it is bad.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, aversion to few foods because of stomach bug.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that is so sad.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry for you.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot eat sabbe salad anymore.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just putting this out there.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot eat sabbe salad anymore.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You got a stomach bug.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: The stomach bug didn't come from the subway salad, but you know, you know, it was so nasty that I just didn't want to eat, don't want to eat it anymore.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can't you know who I can blame though?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can blame my daughter.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I do think you can.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then like even my friends that are just married, it's like they always keep their weekends only for their husbands, which is fine.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I respect it, but like then I have to see them on the weeknights, and I'm not doing anything late.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just like and on top of that, you're doing your baking.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: I know my baking that takes time too.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: That takes time, and they're so yummy, by the way.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad that you guys love them.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, hey, we already placed our Halloween boo box.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I'm gonna be working on them.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You better, or else I'm gonna haunt you.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, stalk you.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna stalk you until I get it.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know that episode in Friends where Monica makes those uh Christmas chocolates and put it out in the basket in the front on her front door in her apartment.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like lining up, lining up sometimes because there's always people coming to get something and then Monica freaking out, I just need like five minutes for the chocolate to cool down.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's me.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Monica is me all the time.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always like, well, give me five minutes so that the sourdough loaf can cool down.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so being having a kid, I don't have like free evenings for sure.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because my I'm so relaxed when she's at school, and then she comes home, it's like a tornado took over my home.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm in the eye of the storm, you know?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so quiet from the outside, it'll all look chaotic.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: On the inside, it's quiet, but my brain is not functioning because I don't know whether I'm gonna be hit or not.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then by the end of the day, I'm like, okay, I'm exhausted, and then I'm in the bed by like 8:30.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, sometimes when I call you in your daughter's home, it's like chaos.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like having 10 kids at one time.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like you would think it is like 10 kids, but I'm not sure.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you call and I'm like, Shayda, I'm gonna have to call you back.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm never mad at you for it.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: I would say, and I appreciate that.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate that so much because you know, and then she'd be like, Are you talking to Auntie Shay?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because she knows you talk to me all the time.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of bad.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, but then during COVID, um, and then even after that, it's like, you know, you need a village, right?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: To raise a child, especially in a different country.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it you need you need a village.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like, you know, your younger age is like the exact time that you build kind of that village, which I didn't have.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hundred percent relied on my parents or my in-laws.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, obviously my husband, because we are like, you know, one unit.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: He does.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Which I'm very he does do things, which I'm very, very grateful.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh honestly, but you know, we don't we cannot stand each other some days.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's a whole different topic.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna talk about later on, you know.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: But we'll talk about marriage later on.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then my husband is not at home because he cannot listen to it.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're just giving me advice, you know?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so now I want to know what actually worked.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, have you done anything recently that you're that you feel like it actually has worked?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I started a Facebook group called Chai and Chit Chats.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a network for immigrant moms in my area.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it I didn't start it because you know, um, I'm some, you know, community builder or like trying to become a community builder.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I'm not.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an introvert.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good idea.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an I'm an intro, extreme introvert, introvert to a level where I could get lost in a book rather than in a conversation.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: That was me last week.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I remember.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I started it because um I wanted the friends uh, you know, and didn't know where they were.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I built the front door and I hoped someone would walk through it.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they did.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it kind of is working.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's really good.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: And um, so how quickly do you did you feel like they walked through that?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's building slowly.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but then again, some days it's like it turns out like, you know, almost 120 women are in the group right now.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's a big number.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you know, I plan to have at least like two uh gatherings a month.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: One is a play date with kids, and the other is just a mom's only social.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, you can start a mom's group, but when you don't have the uh you don't give if you don't give a mom the option to also bring her child sometime, I feel like you're not uh giving her the time to actually be present and enjoy.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I also feel like if the kids are bonding with another kid, it will automatically ignite a friendship between the moms because you know they can have their own individual playdates and you know something will nurture through that.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And there are some moms who cannot just leave their kids alone at home and come to a mom's only social.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I want every mom in the group to have an opportunity to meet and make connections.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I started that, and and then we just needed, you know, one person to show up, and one person did show up for my last month, mom's only social, and I'm having another play date in October, uh, which is nine women RSP peats so far.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's a big number.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I'm very excited.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I'm going to start a newsletter.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: So this from October go out every month from October.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just nothing much, just to discuss about raising first-gen American kids as an immigrant mom or you know, providing resources basically.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Good.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's talk about more about what actually worked.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so number one, and nobody wants to hear it.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: You have to make the first move repeatedly.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Keep being persistent.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, it's like you're trying to look for your water bottle when you're very thirsty, or like your child is desperately looking for candy in the house.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, a determined child will achieve anything.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Be like that.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of sometimes feel like, why am I not asking?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Determined as my daughter because she is very determined girl and sassy little girl.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, but you know, again, you you get the gist, right?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the reframe because everybody wants friends, and almost nobody wants to do the awkward part, and which is like you know, going taking the step and asking to grab a coffee.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: But if you do the all awkward part, you become incredibly valuable.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're not being needy, you're just being the brave one.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the awkwardness is like the entry fee.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, yeah, I am an awkward person.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Me too.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, Spider-Man, like Peter Parker in Spider-Man, is an awkward guy.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone loves him.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: So what's number two?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: So the number two, and it's the entire job, is one uncomfortable, hey.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to grab a coffee?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you're ahead of 90% of people right there.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're taking the first step trying to create that friendship.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's like, go where the repetition already exists.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Plug into things that meet over and over.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: For me, that was like, you know, um, volunteering.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: I uh like, you know, I volunteer at my daughter's school, I help out with some community events, and I'm also a troop leader for my daughter Girl Scouts.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Go brownie.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: We can't wait till cookie season.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm hoping to see some parents every week.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: So and also that way my daughter can build some friendship that lasts that will last a lifetime.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so it's like you're accidentally building the school hallway slowly.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I recreated the hallway.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh anything that meets on a schedule and puts me in front of a few new faces or you know, faces that I've seen before over and over again.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a friendship machine.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't go just stand volunteer at your daughter's at I don't go just volunteer at my daughter's school and stand there and not talk to people.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: You have to talk to people.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: And never try to make a best friend in one day.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't work.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you are like a familiar face first and then a friend later.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the they keep seeing you over and over again at these events, and there will be, I'm pretty sure there'll be one mom or you know, one woman who will come to you and say, Oh, hey, we're gonna grab brunch next week.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to join us?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that and that's how a friendship will be built.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when you make plans, uh don't just, you know, say like, hey, do you want to grab a cup of coffee?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just tell them, give them like, oh, you know what?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let's grab a cup of coffee.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: How does your next Wednesday look like?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: And come up with the place.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be, you know, a pretty impressive place.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: It can be like Starbucks, or for your if you're New England, Dunkin' Donuts.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: We love our dunks.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it could be even Dunkin' Donuts.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can just grab a cup of coffee, go on a walk, and just you know, be yourself.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: And what about you, Shay?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us about your side a little bit.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm talking a lot.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, from my side in corporate, I've learned that people who go deep with you are almost never um gonna do that in the big groups.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: So uh kind of how you and I became friends.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: Which we can go into that story later.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: Later.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: We kind of we were in a group meeting, right?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: And or I think it was a social, I don't quite remember what which one it was, but Oh, it was a summit.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: We knew each other before that.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess we should also say like working remote has its own challenges.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's another episode.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's another episode, but we worked for like a year, right?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Before we met in person.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: And um, whenever we met in person, that's whenever I was like, oh, we're gonna be friends.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: This is so like whenever in a meeting or where however I we had had meetings in the past, I knew that, like, oh, when I meet Nikki, like we're gonna be best friends.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I got like I know that we're gonna be best friends.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because obviously, in a like a corporate setting, like you can't be yourself, right?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like so you gotta take that person and like talk to them outside of that corporate setting.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it is possible to make friends in the corporate world.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, I'm not with that company anymore, so I can talk what I want.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: See, I definitely liked working at my previous company.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I love doing what I did.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Being in corporate world, I mean, definitely it was not as giving as it was, but I definitely loved doing my job.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it I I met you, which I am very grateful for.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: But then again, you see, the group gets you in the door.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: The one-on-one is is where it's real.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like we met through our group team meetings, you know, our monthly uh is it quarterly or monthly?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember now.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was monthly, it was like the social, right?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, oh yes, the happy hour.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is that happy hour?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: The water cooler.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: We are like getting early dementia or something, honestly.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: My god, that was insane.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't have them anymore, ladies and gentlemen.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: This one woman has a PhD, another woman has a farm D.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: We have no idea how we got our degrees.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, we're smart.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're just book smart.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: We're not good with these terms, but they don't have streets anymore.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: Once you left, they stopped existing.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, I took away the happy hour.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: You did, you did, you did.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: Your place is missed deeply.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: I guess let's go to our takeaways.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so let's bottle this up and kind of come up with a summary for everyone.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it's it's not a you problem, you know?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's the proximity that made friendship so easy is gone.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: You do have a chance to build a room yourself.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: So go where the same faces repeat.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: It could be your Pilates class or you could be your gym or it could be your pickleball or you know, your book club for you, because you go to the good book club and I I see you getting lost in those audiobooks so much.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then again, just don't go attend those.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Make the first move and make it specific.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Expect some, you know, some h hesitation, some no's.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, you keep going, you know, and underneath all of it, you're not being needy.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's very important.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're being brave.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and there is someone just within like, you know, five less than five miles of you, wishing someone with text first.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Be that someone.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: Or send that uh reel to someone that's like we should host this party, or like you have you seen those where it's like fall themed parties.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, really?
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, send that to me.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, because you're not near me.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: No, but still, you know, hey, I'll send them to you.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um wait a second, whose fault is that?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've been telling you to come to Boston, and I swear to god, I'm a mom.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you even know how much business for baking I can bring in?
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: I know I feel like I could come there for my daughter by herself will make you rich.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: I know she would.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love it though.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: It makes me happy every time she's like, it's Auntie Shea sending me something.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: It brings me joy.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, um, what I take from this is it's a skill, so it's not a personality trait on something that you just don't have.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: You just have to work on it, right?
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um you build you built it on purpose.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to be willing to be a little bad at it in public for a while before it clicks.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it's kind of like a habit you're trying to create.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Keep doing it, and at some point you'll get it.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have faith in you.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: I just like I tell my daughter, you can do it.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it, yeah.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: We always have to keep that in our mind um before we go to these events.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: So different lives, same loneliness, and the same fix.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: So that's our first episode.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: If this hit a nerve, do the brave thing this week.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_01: Text that one person, make a specific plan with a day and a time, and tell us if you got a yes or a thumbs up.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Send us your most awkward friend-making story.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Mine are worse than yours, I promise.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: And next episode, we're gonna talk about the most interesting aspect of Shada's life, and that's dating.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: And also next episode, I promise she's gonna talk more because apparently I ran my mouth this whole episode.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: You did, but we love it.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: It was good.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now we ask you to share your stories, no matter, like Nikki said, no matter how embarrassing they are.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: Email us at different livesame thoughts at gmail.com and we will share our most favorite stories on our socials.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, you will remain anonymous because this is a no judgment zone.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Nikki, I'm Shada.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_01: This is Different Lives Same Thoughts.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: See you next week.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.