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Transcript

Can't we all just get along? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey everyone, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Haven't heard from me in a while.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I want to talk today about civility and how to essentially talk to people that you disagree with.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Hey y'all, welcome to the podcast, Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: So, Head Shrink Inc., in case you don't know, is a podcast relationship item of the day, and I get to choose what the item of the day is, no one else gets to.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Licensed marriage family therapist with a PhD in psychology, and I work every week with families, couples, individuals, kind of working through challenges, and I write blogs and I do podcasts and I do vlogs.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I I do a lot of media stuff because I just enjoy it, not because I make a ton of money from it, but I just enjoy uh putting some information or different ideas out there from a uh psycho psychological perspective.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: So um I have been perusing through Facebook posts recently, and every once in a while I'll click on one.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: I I have two kinds of friends on Facebook.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: I have friends that love to post um liberal progressive type memes, and then I have friends that love to post conservative um Republican type memes.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm annoyed at both.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I tend to be more of a I tend to be more libertarian-minded with a lot of stuff, but I I don't I don't put myself into um a box, actually.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I every once in a while I'll click on these links and look at the comments, and it is it is so depressing because people are just people are being uh they're just offensive to uh people that they don't know.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um and they're making these accusatory statements about people that they've never met, that they don't know, they have no clue what's going on in those people's lives.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then it just goes back and forth.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I I look at these posts and I think, oh my goodness, what are we all like fourth grade again?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so that kind of has inspired me to you know do this um podcast episode, and then also write a I'll eventually write a blog post about it.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: But one of the things I I think about civility, I I've seen different comments about civility, even some people saying civility is white privilege, and and civil I I just think it's always a good idea that how we want to, as parents, teach our children to be, we should be that ourselves.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so I have lots of kids, and one of the things that I want my kids to do is like actually treat each other kindly, and they can have a disagreement of opinion um on things, but I I still want them to always be able to treat one another kindly.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so my challenge to you, if you find if you go on these social media posts and if you're one of the people that are posting on them, are you are you being kind or are you acting like a an eight-year-old um who wants to play with his toys and who is selfish and who gets angry, and eh?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, because essentially you have these adults hurling insults at one another, and nothing gets resolved by hurling insults.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: It just makes you feel better because you were wittier.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then nothing gets resolved, and then just hatred abounds and and disagreements abound.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so I wanted to come up with some ideas, or I've come up with some ideas on um ways to have a more civil conversation just in life and especially on social media.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: So, number one, like if you have if there's a topic that you feel passionately about, um, one of the things that's things that's going to be important, and whether you're on one side or the other, uh regardless of where you stand on this this topic, you're passionate about it ultimately.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so you need to actually be able to come up with a logical argument for or against this topic.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you know, the hot button one currently is immigration and family separation.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're for uh this family separation or if you're for borders, rather than accusing people of being um open border and you want illegal immigrants and you don't care about Americans, I that's like easy to say, and that's not even really a logical argument, um, and it's insulting.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um come up with a logical argument why you think borders are important.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're on the other side where you don't think borders are important and you think illegal immigration is okay, rather than calling people Nazis and socialists, or not, you wouldn't call them socialists, but rather than calling people names and accusing them of all kinds of things, um, why don't you actually have a logical reason?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the hard part is when you're um putting your pearls before the swine on social media, you're just one of a number of thousands of comments, and so it's easy, like your logical argument will get lost with the 10,000 other comments that are happening.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's not as fulfilling.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think because it's not fulfilling, people tend to just resort to their base self of being insulting and negative.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so perhaps when you're passionate about something, um, social media is not, unless you have a large following or something and you can actually engage with people in appropriate ways, social media is not a great place to do that because uh you are just one in one voice in a thousand and you will get drowned out.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so, no matter how logical you try to be, there's always gonna be the person that insults you.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, no matter how kind you are gonna be, there's always gonna be a person that insults you.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so honestly, like I wouldn't try to put any of your knowledge out on social media because there's those the trolls is what they're called.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: They're just out there to make you frustrated and break you.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so social media is not ultimately a good place.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, um, if it's a more intimate setting, like you know, friends over dinner, or if it's a friends post on social media, don't go immediately offensive, don't be offensive at all.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Try to be open-minded and consider what they have to say because they have um a viewpoint that's just as valid as your viewpoint.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I think people get lost in that.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: They think, well, if you don't agree with me, therefore you're an idiot, which makes no sense.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: There's no logic behind that.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: So have a logical argument.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: So this the the next thing I would suggest for people is, and this is the crazy thing that's so hard to do, is to actually listen to what is being said.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think what happens is that people, you know, if I hear that you disagree with me on something, I'm not gonna listen to you because I just automatically disagree with you.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: So why would I ever want to listen to you?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's like the worst.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: We don't do that with our kids.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want our kids to do that.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want our spouse to do that.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so to me, it would seem like it would make sense.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we do that with people that we're trying to persuade?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: You shouldn't be doing that with people that you're trying to persuade.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: You should be listening to them, and maybe you'll get some kind of new information.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, another thing that I think I would suggest you not do is shut down.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times, um if an argument, if some type of disagreement is happening on social media or even in person, people tend to shut down.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: They don't engage back into a conversation.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you shut down, you become closed-minded.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think that um when you're in a topic, a hot topic like about abortion, about immigration, about should Trump be impeached, who should the who should the new Supreme Court justice be, et cetera, et cetera.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Don't just immediately shut down.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: You should be you should be able to engage, have a listen to the other person, be able to respond calmly in a logical way.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And and I think too many people get competitive.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be competitive about it.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a conversation where you're exchanging ideas.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, your emotions get involved, and then you get insulting, and then everyone just doesn't want to have anything to do with one another.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: People unfriend one another, families get broken up, Armageddon happens, and the world comes to an end.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want the world to come to an end, you don't want families to break up, you want um good informative conversation to take place.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: So don't shut down.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um another one is another idea is be respectful.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: These when you're interacting with someone else on the other end of the line, if it's a person that you know and not like a fake account that you have no idea if it's a Russian troll or someone else, be respectful of that person.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: They have wants and needs, they have desires, they have hurts, they have passions, just like you do.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but their reasons are different, right?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I just was listening to somebody who was commenting about how they grew up the exact same kind of way that this other person grew up, but they have very different political um beliefs about things.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so that person down the road that believes completely different from you, they have a reason for that.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um you shouldn't discount their reason simply because you disagree with you know whether uh immigration should even be a uh issue in our society today.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that person thinks it should be, this person thinks it shouldn't be.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so then have a conversation about that.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Don't resort to, oh, well, you must be like Hitler, or Hitler didn't want open borders, and so then therefore you're all like, I mean, it's just it makes me crazy when I hear that kind of stuff, and it makes me sad because I want to engage people in conversation, I want to learn about people, I want to be able to persuade people, and if people think they can persuade me, that's fine.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Let's have a conversation and try to do it.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, once you're able to listen, not shut down, be respectful, um, have like a legitimate logical argument for whatever the issue is, when it gets to its kind of conclusion where you both say, well, we're gonna have to agree to disagree, um, then part ways with information.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: And don't be hateful towards that person.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of the biggest things that I've seen that's like difficult, and it's why I try to not engage with people online because there are a few exceptions where I can interact with somebody and we can have reasoned conversation with one another, but for the most part online, it does not happen.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh my encouragement to people is to if you if you're gonna call names, if you're going to get all heated and bothered, get off social media or erase social media from your phone because that's probably the number one source of um irritation for people in our society today is posts that are on social media.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you're not you shouldn't be a keyboard warrior unless you can like actually follow through with logical arguments and not be insulting to one another.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Here's here's a just here's uh an example in my own life.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I work with all kinds of different clients of different political persuasions and different beliefs and different cultures, and and so one of the things that I do is like I really try to be curious about people because I don't believe that I have all the answers for every single issue uh in the world.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: I do believe that I have some expertise in some areas, but there's other areas that I don't have expertise in.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm always trying to be curious.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, whether I disagree or agree with a person, I try to be curious.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so I ran into a client who we are like polar opposites politically.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, this person even would make comments about, oh, you're probably, you know, fill-in-the-blank type um ideology.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: And this person was, I found this person to be so intriguing.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like I thought, man, this is this would be a person I'd be interested in talking to outside of this therapy setting because they were just kind of intriguing, they didn't have the set of beliefs that um totally fit within this political affiliation that I thought they were they're adhering to.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: And they were just interesting to talk to.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: They weren't rude, insulting, they just kind of had an opinion and they shared it.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're able to have friends where they have different political affiliation than you or different um ideology than you, those are friends that you should just start engaging with closely to understand them and to show, you know what, just because we have different political ideologies about things or different opinions about current topics, um, we can still actually like each other and we can still actually hang out with one another.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because at the at the end of the day, that's what's that's what matters.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like mainstream media and politicians, they um they thrive on conflict.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's I wouldn't say it's their job, but when we the people are in conflict, they um thrive, right?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: I mean you look at politicians and you look at mainstream media, like all their all their headlines and the things that they're arguing about are the very things that we are insulting one another about here as the common folk.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: And if we actually like found common ground, the politicians in mainstream media would like lose power.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so it gets complicated, but ultimately I I want people to be civil and get along and have informed conversations with one another.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think if you can have informed conversations, um you will have a better, more fulfilling life, and you won't be so filled with hate and anger.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one of my next podcast podcasts that I'm gonna do talks about having a heart at war or having a heart at anger.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: And there's this great book called Anatomy of Peace.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if you haven't ever read it or heard of it, you should go pick it up because it really changed my perspective on how I view people.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it do I view people as objects or I do view people as people, and that's gonna be another podcast that's coming up.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: So love to hear from you.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: My uh email address is headshrinkinc.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: If you like what you hear, please comment.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I love to uh respond back and and give any kind of help or information to people that are listening.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And hey, have a great day, and we will talk soon.