Latest / Women Who Lead: Leadership, Career & Influence / Why You’re Exhausted: Radical Relaxation Is Not a Luxury | Women Who Lead
Transcript
- You are not tired because you’re working too hard. You’re exhausted because you haven’t given your nervous system permission to actually rest. Let’s get real for a second. We need to talk about the lie that has been sold to us since we were young girls watching our mothers juggle careers and households with a smile that never quite reached their eyes. The lie is that if you just work harder, push longer, and sacrifice more, you will eventually arrive at a place where it all makes sense. Where you can finally exhale. But here is the truth that keeps me up at night sometimes: that place does not exist. And even if it did, you would probably ruin it by checking your email one last time before bed. I see it in my coaching sessions every single day. Women who have climbed ladders they didn’t even want to climb, only to find themselves at the top, shivering, wondering why they feel so hollow. They think the answer is to work smarter. To optimize their morning routines. To buy the right journal or download the most expensive productivity app. But what if the problem isn’t that you aren’t doing enough? What if the problem is that you are doing too much of the wrong thing? Your body knows. Your brain knows. You feel that heavy fog in the afternoon when you should be crushing a presentation. That tightness in your chest when your phone buzzes on Sunday evening. It is not a sign that you need to try harder. It is a siren. It is your biology screaming that you are out of balance. So, what am I talking about when I say radical relaxation? Because I know that phrase sounds like something from a wellness influencer selling $200 candles. It is not that. Radical relaxation is an act of rebellion. In a culture that glorifies burnout as a badge of honor, choosing to truly rest is a political statement. It is a refusal to let your worth be tied to your output. Most of us do not actually relax. We distract ourselves. We scroll through social media while feeling guilty about not cleaning the house. We watch TV but our minds are still racing through tomorrow’s meetings. We call this chilling out, but it is not resting. Your nervous system stays in fight-or-flight mode. True relaxation requires intentionality. It requires shutting off the noise. It requires sitting with the boredom until it transforms into clarity. Think about the last time you took a walk without your phone. Just walked. No podcast, no audiobook, no music. Just your feet on the pavement and the sky above. Did you feel anxious at first? Probably. Because we have lost the ability to be alone with our thoughts. We treat silence like it is dangerous. But silence is where the strategy lives. Silence is where you remember who you are outside of your job title. When you deny yourself that space, you are cutting off your own access to wisdom. What’s the cost of that silence? If you keep pushing through the fatigue, the cost is high. It is not just about making bad decisions, though it certainly leads to that. I have seen brilliant executives make catastrophic errors because they were running on fumes. They missed details. They snapped at colleagues. They lost their patience. But the deeper cost is spiritual. It is the erosion of your joy. When you are constantly in survival mode, you stop noticing the beauty around you. You stop laughing easily. You stop having spontaneous conversations. You become efficient, yes. You become effective, maybe. But you cease to be vibrant. And vibrancy is what people respond to. People do not follow perfect robots. They follow human beings who are alive, who are curious, who are present. When you are burnt out, you are not leading. You are managing. There is a difference. Management is about control. Leadership is about connection. And you cannot connect when you are disconnected from yourself. This is especially true for women in leadership. We carry the weight of expectation differently. We are told to be nurturing but also fierce. Soft but strong. It is an impossible tightrope. So we tighten our belts further. We hold ourselves together with sheer willpower. But willpower is a finite resource. It drains. And when it drains, you crash. Hard. I used to think that vulnerability was a weakness. Back in my Fortune 500 days, I wore my stress like armor. I thought if I showed any sign of fatigue, I would be replaced. I thought that if I admitted I didn’t know something, I would lose respect. I was wrong. I learned the hard way that perfection is lonely. It is isolating. And it is unsustainable. The moment I started admitting to my team that I was overwhelmed, that I needed help, that I was struggling to prioritize, something magical happened. They leaned in. They offered solutions. They trusted me more. Why? Because I became human. Radical relaxation allows you to drop the armor. It allows you to admit that you are not invincible. It gives you the energy to be authentic. And authenticity is the new currency of leadership. It is not about being perfect. It is about being real. When you are relaxed, you are open. You listen better. You hear what is not being said. You pick up on the subtle shifts in mood in the room. You become a better strategist because your mind is clear. A cluttered mind cannot see the big picture. It gets stuck in the weeds. Rest clears the weeds. It gives you the distance you need to see the forest. So, stop trying to hack your way into success. Stop trying to optimize your sleep cycles with fancy gadgets. Start by simply giving yourself permission to stop. To do nothing. To be still. It feels uncomfortable at first. Like sitting in a chair that is too soft. But stay there. Let your body adjust. Let your mind settle. Now, I know what you are thinking. Deborah, I have a board meeting at four. I have three kids to pick up. I have a deadline on Friday. How can I possibly afford to do nothing? You don’t have to do it all at once. You do not need a week-long retreat in Bali. You need micro-moments of peace. Start small. Five minutes. That is all. When you sit down at your desk, do not check your email immediately. Sit. Breathe. Look out the window. Notice the light. Notice the sound of the city or the birds. Ground yourself. Before you leave work, take five minutes to write down what went well today. Not what you failed to do. What went well. Celebrate your wins. Close the loop. Then, shut the laptop. Physically close it. If you have a home office, put the door behind you. Create a boundary between work and life. At night, create a wind-down ritual. No screens for thirty minutes before bed. Read a book. Take a bath. Stretch. These are not frivolous activities. They are essential maintenance. You would not drive your car for ten thousand miles without changing the oil. You would not run a marathon without training. Yet you expect your mind and body to perform at elite levels without care. It is illogical. It is cruel. Treat yourself with the same respect you would show a high-performance athlete. Give them rest. Give them recovery. You are the athlete here. Your career is the sport. And you cannot win if you are injured. So, protect your rest. Guard it fiercely. Let people know that your downtime is non-negotiable. Not because you are lazy, but because you are strategic. Because you know that a rested leader is a powerful leader. This journey is not linear. You will slip up. You will check your phone in bed. You will say yes to one more meeting when you meant to say no. That is okay. Forgive yourself. Do not beat yourself up. Shame is a terrible fuel source. It burns dirty and fast. It leaves you empty. Instead, practice compassion. Acknowledge the slip. Adjust. Try again tomorrow. Progress is not about perfection. It is about direction. Are you moving toward rest? Or are you moving toward more stress? Check in with yourself daily. Ask: Am I breathing? Am I present? Am I kind to myself? If the answer is no, pause. Reset. You do not have to fix everything today. You just have to choose one small thing to change. Maybe it is leaving your phone in the other room during dinner. Maybe it is taking a lunch break away from your desk. Maybe it is turning off notifications after seven p.m. Small changes compound over time. They build a new rhythm. A sustainable rhythm. One that supports your ambition without sacrificing your soul. Remember, you are not a machine. You are a living, breathing human being. With needs. With limits. With gifts that only emerge when you are fully present. When you relax, those gifts shine brighter. Your creativity flows. Your intuition sharpens. Your empathy deepens. You become the leader you were meant to be. Not the robot you were told to become. Trust that process. Trust yourself. You are capable of more than you know, but only if you give yourself the space to grow. Thank you for listening. Thank you for showing up for yourself. Until next time, keep leading with your whole heart. And remember, rest is not the reward for good work. It is the foundation of it. Be well, friends.