Latest / Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment) / SnapShot: A Measuring Contest and an Explosion of Frustration....KIds....

Transcript

SnapShot: A Measuring Contest and an Explosion of Frustration....KIds.... · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a murders to music snapshot.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: 10 minutes or less of something fun, entertaining, or exciting that I'm going to tell you.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And here we go.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: So this snapshot is going to take us back to I don't know, 2020, 2021, something like that.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in the middle of a couple of high stress murders.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working around the clock, and my tolerance for people's stupidity is pretty short.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, about that time, I had my driveway asphulted.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Asp faulted.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it was beautiful and pretty, and it was black and it was gorgeous.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a big driveway, and I'm pretty proud of my driveway.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I have very little tolerance for people's stupidity.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at work, I'm working around the clock for multiple days straight.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm whatever.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it's a Saturday, I come home late, it's dark, I wake up in the morning, Sunday gonna go to church.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when I step outside and open up my back door, the first thing I'm greeted with is not fresh air, falling leaves, a beautiful morning sun.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: No, it is a giant thirty-foot penis that has been etched into my black asphalt.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I gotta think, man, I'm not sure how this got here.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But then I remembered I have teenage boys, and I thought to myself, there's no way that they would do this.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: But then, as I looked closer, there was a second ginormous penis etched into my asphalt.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Livy literally had a dick measuring contest in my asphalt.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Dick measuring contest in my asphalt.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they had.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking to myself, self, I'm gonna kill them.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm on my way to church and I can't kill people on my way to church.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I step outside.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: But when I step outside, that's where it gets good, because then I realize that the larger of the two phallic symbols is actually pointed towards the outline of a face.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And there's an open mouth receiving said penis.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there is what appears to be maybe they're brushing their teeth or something.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but there appears to be like suds or something coming out of the person's mouth.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think to myself, there is no way my 13-year-old daughter is going to get up and see two penises and open mouth with what appeared to be suds.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's all it could be, right?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm matching.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're brushing their teeth, and the suds is pouring out of the person's chin.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I lose my mind and I go to church and I take pictures of this, and then I go to church and I realize that my son was hanging out with his best friend, and I'm also really good friends with his dad the day before on Saturday.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I give dad a call and I'm like, dude, what are you doing?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm gonna send you some pictures, and I'm pissed.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I send him the pictures, and he is like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm mad too, he says.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So he's like, I'm gonna talk to my son and you talk to yours.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I find my son, Keegan, who was on here a couple weeks ago, and I'm like, bro, what is going on?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I read him the ride act.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've got no tolerance for this.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: They've ruined my asphalt.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: See, they were using a pressure washer, and they took that pressure washer and they got bored, so they decided to have an art contest in my yard.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: So then I go to work the next day and I'm still pissed, right?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is a time of my life where I don't let things go easy.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if I got mad on a Monday, there's a good chance I'll still be raging on Friday.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I get to work the next day and I'm pissed off, and I walk in and I'm in the war room with a bunch of cops, and uh my partner says, Hey, what's going on?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you upset?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Hey, you'll never believe what my kids did.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I showed her the picture and she starts laughing.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I do not see the humor in it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So then we move on, and then we're doing a meeting, and in the meeting, she's running the computer for me.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the next thing I know, what pops up on the screen in front of all my detective friends is a dick measuring contest in my yard, and one is considerably larger than the other, and uh, you got the whole face thing going on, and everybody starts laughing, and then they make fun of me for getting mad about it.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, lighten up, where's your sense of humor?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the end of the day, end of the world.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, it is the end of the world, it's my brand new asphalt, and I paid$800 to get this done, and I can't believe it, and these kids are bored, and blah blah blah blah blah.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: They must take after their mother's side of the family.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever I was thinking and saying, I was pissed.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then I get home, and the kids have erased it, and they actually did a pretty good job.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: See, they just let low pressure water draw the picture, so they were able to get rid of it.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, it wasn't that big a deal.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I was just jealous.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the deal was, but it wasn't that big a deal.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I got all spun up and spun around the axle about it, and to this day we speak about the um, you know, proverbial measuring contest that occurred in our yard.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's funny now.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can look back and laugh.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: At the time I couldn't laugh.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can laugh about it and be insanely jealous over a 30 foot.