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Reclaiming Desire After 40: How Weight, Hormones and Confidence Interact · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Welcome to the Diva Details, where bold,
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confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention,
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we keep it raw, real, and powerful. No filters,
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no limits, just fearless conversations to help
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you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia.
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Hello, this is Diva Mia, and today we're gonna talk
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about weight gain after 40,
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and specifically weight gain after 40 as it relates to your libido
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and hormonal changes, etc., and the intimacy related
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to that and how you get a disconnect as well with weight gain. So welcome
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back. Today I think it's important to separate 2 things
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out as they often get lumped together. Your weight gain does not determine
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whether you are sexy because you can be sexy with without weight
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gain. It's more about your confidence level, but changes
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happen in your body during midlife and it can affect your sexual
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desire. It can affect your energy, your confidence,
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and your comfort level. Hopefully after today's podcast, you'll have a little
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bit more comfort and understanding about your hormones as well
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as your libido as it affects your weight gain. So maybe you gained
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15 pounds, sometimes 30, or maybe it was even 60. You may have had
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children, but nothing seems to be working anymore. And then something else happens.
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You stopped wanting the lights on. You kept the lights off when you
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had sex. You started changing clothes that fit differently.
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You started dressing behind closed doors. You avoided lingerie.
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You stopped initiating sex, or maybe you even started thinking,
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I feel sexy again, or I will feel sexy again when I lose the
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weight. And that's not a way to live. That's a way to
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just survive. And suddenly 6 months, a year, or several years
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have passed and Today we're trying to figure out
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what happened. Well, it started a while ago. So we're going to
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talk about what actually can help: nutrition, strength training, cardio, sleep— sleep
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is a huge one— and supplements and different types of hormone therapy as
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well. I know we've been harping on libido because libido is very important
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to sexual relationships and marriage and intimate relationships
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with partners. So first, if your body has suddenly changed or
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rewritten itself, Midlife can be part of the culprit.
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Your estrogen's changed, your progesterone, your testosterone. And a lot
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of people because of those changes aren't getting adequate sleep anymore. You may
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also have children that you have to deal with. And sometimes our husbands,
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ladies, can behave like children as well. And, or you're having stress,
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maybe you're dating. And I will say the dating pool out
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there is kind of like a dirty clouded fish tank. It's very
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hard to see through to find the actual good fish. So I will. Talk a
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little bit more about this, as well as we're going to kind of hit on
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muscle mass with your libido, insulin sensitivity,
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activity levels, and your appetite. So let's go ahead
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and dive right in. So menopause doesn't automatically make every woman
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gain a mass amount of weight. Some people do, some people don't, but aging
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and menopause, it creates an environment where maintaining your previous
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body composition is going to be challenging. And I think one of the problems is
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a lot of women think they can just keep doing the same thing and expect
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the results they used to get. They go to dance or they go to aerobics
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classes and jump around and expect their muscles to look as good as they
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did in their 20s and 30s. And they won't. We lose a lot of muscle
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mass as we get older, ladies, because our testosterone drops greatly.
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And because of that, we have an issue with maintaining
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mass, muscle mass. And when we maintain, lose muscle mass,
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well, our fat deposits go in different places as well.
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And maybe you used to gain weight in your hips and thighs, and now all
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of a sudden you're gaining it in your stomach. It's a middle— it's a midlife
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thing. And that can be an issue because nobody
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likes to gain weight in their stomach. I don't know who you are, but nobody
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wants to have weight in their stomach. And it's, you know, it's a little
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pouch down there you get on your belly. At the same time, women can gradually
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lose muscle if you're actively not doing extensive
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weightlifting, and you're going to have to start lifting heavier. It's just part of life.
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And if you do lift heavier, you're going to love the way your body looks.
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You're going to love how you gain muscle mass and strength and mobility.
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But muscle will help also with like your physical capabilities as
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you get older and how your body looks and feels. So one of the first
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things I want you to think about is that stop thinking about
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40 as being exclusively about losing pounds. It should
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be about shaping your body the way you want it to look. Your goal isn't
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simply to become smaller. It's to become healthier, stronger, and physically
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capable of doing all the things that you want to do. And we shouldn't be
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settling anymore, ladies. We shouldn't be settling for old age
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as, oh, now we can't do the same things. We should be able to do
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just as much because there are women that are in their 80s and 90s still
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running out there and still doing active things because they make sure that
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they take care of their body. So what does it mean to have a
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libido that's affecting your weight? Well, It does affect it quite a bit because
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female sexual desire isn't controlled by just one hormone or body part.
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So we, we've talked about this in several podcasts, but our brain
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affects our libido, our hormones, our circulation,
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the genital comfort. I mean, so if you have any problems down there, if you
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have— sometimes women get more UTIs or different infections down
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there that can cause problems, sleep, energy, all of these things,
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even medications will affect libido, stress. So your body image
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and the way, the way you carry weight is a huge contributor
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to your libido as well. So when someone says my libido disappeared because I gained
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weight, it's more about how you feel about that weight. And, and also it
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could be about the energy that that weight is depriving you of. What else has
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changed at the same time? Did you stop sleeping as much? Did menopause begin?
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A lot of women lose a lot of their libido during menopause. Some women,
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their libido gets stronger and other women, it goes down. Did intercourse become
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uncomfortable during menopause? Did your testosterone change?
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So your desire went down a little bit. Are you on antidepressants?
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You know, there's things that can happen and there's also stressors.
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Sometimes we get illnesses that cause stress. Or did you have
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a relationship change? I will say a lot of times in our 40s and 50s,
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some women are getting divorced and it happens at 40 and
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50. I don't know why. I don't know if it's the man going through a
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midlife crisis or the woman. I'm sure there's lots of different reasons. Sometimes there's
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infidelity. Sometimes there's just disrespect.
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And sometimes you just grow apart. So you don't really know. And that
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causes stress in your body as well. And it can also contribute to a lack
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of sleep. And did you stop feeling desirable? Did someone start detaching
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from the relationship? And so you felt less desirable because frequency,
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when we're dealing frequently, we're dealing with several things simultaneously.
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It's not just one. So the body image libido
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loop, it loops it all back together. Here's where. You know, it can
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be incredibly powerful. If you gain weight, you don't like your body as
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much. There's a lot of pressure on women to make sure that they stay thin.
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So you avoid situations where your body will be seen. You'll avoid
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going to the pool. You'll avoid getting naked, showering together in lingerie,
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certain sexual positions. You may even avoid initiating sex and
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spontaneous intimacy may be gone. It may be out the window. You stopped
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having sex with the lights on and men are very visual. So sometimes they like
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to see things and eventually you may start avoiding sex altogether.
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And when that happens, your partner has now noticed. So hopefully
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that this reaches some of you out there. It is
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a crucial stage if you've stopped having sex because of the libido
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and the weight gain in your body. And maybe you've interpreted,
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maybe they interpret the withdrawal as rejection. Some men even interpret the
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withdrawal that if you don't want sex anymore, that you're having an affair with someone
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or they'll stop initiating it. So physical affection will
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start to decrease and you don't want that because a lot of times when it
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does decrease, there may be other problems in the relationship. It can cause hostility
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and fights. The emotional and sexual connection that we have, ladies,
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is important. It keeps people together longer because
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it does create a connection that you don't have. I'm not saying that sex is
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the only thing, the connection that you need, because there's people disconnect emotionally
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for other reasons, but it does give you a connection. And pretty
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soon you're going to be saying, we just don't have sex anymore. And if you're
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not having sex anymore, then you're going to start saying, but the problem was not
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started in the bedroom. Where did it start? It started with the way you
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began to feel about your body is where it started. So it's a cycle.
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There's the cycle kind of starts with weight gain and then you get,
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you don't feel satisfied with your body. So you might avoid certain things
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and then you're less intimate and less connection occurs. And now there's less desire.
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And here's the important part. You don't have to lose 40 pounds before you
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interrupt the cycle. You can start today. You can feel more desirable.
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You can try to create more of a connection. Because honestly, ladies,
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most of your men love you just the way you are, and they don't care
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about the extra 20 or 30 pounds. They will love you no matter what.
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So just own what you have, start working to where you want to be.
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You can work on your health while simultaneously reclaiming your sexuality.
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If you come in confident, men will still have sex with you, ladies.
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They enjoy sex that much. They're not looking and analyzing every little
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part of your body like we do to ourselves. These two, they can happen at
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the same time. Get your confidence back and confidence comes from within,
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not from without. Sex should not be a reward for reaching your goal either,
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because then you're going to say, okay, I'm not going to have sex until I
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lose a certain amount of weight. That's not a way to go. You're in a
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relationship. You should still be having sex with your partner. When you lose the weight
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and buy lingerie, you can make your sex even more kinky or fun
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or lively. Or if you say, I'm not going to have sex until my stomach
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is flat again, or I'll date again when— that's not a way to have self-confidence.
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That's a way to decrease your self-confidence. Because you just need to buy
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clothes that fit you today. You need to wear lingerie that fits you today,
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that makes you feel comfortable and sexy. There's nothing wrong with you.
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You're sexy. And I believe that your man, if he truly does love
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you, will love you how you are. You should be able to put on whatever
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makes you feel attractive and start inhabiting your body again. It'll, it'll be
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empowering and that will help your libido. It'll help your confidence.
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It will help you lose weight because some women lose 50 pounds and
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still mentally they see a 50— a woman that's 50 pounds heavier because of that
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body composition and body image. They're completely completely related or unrelated.
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They're not identical. Work on both together. The other
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libido killer is painful sex. We did talk a little bit about this with dryness
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and sexual dryness, but sometimes we think that we have no desire,
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but the problem is it's very uncomfortable or it's painful. And sometimes
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it's not exactly a mystery. It may be your brain has learned that sex equals
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pain because of the burning or the dryness. There's nothing
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wrong with using lubricants, ladies. You need to start using lubricants
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if you need. Coconut oil is a wonderful thing, but be careful if you're using
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protection, if you're still in the child-making years,
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but it's enthusiasm with sex is going to decrease if it's
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painful. So remember, declining estrogen around menopause can make vaginal
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tissue thinner, drier, and very less, very much less elastic.
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So you have to identify vaginal dryness and ask yourself,
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do I want to have sex or do I want to, do I want to
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deal with the discomfort? And sometimes once you get the comfort
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fixed, ladies, and talk to your person about this, and if you, if you're uncomfortable
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talking your husband about it. Talk to an OB-GYN and see what they can do.
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Talk to a gynecologist, say, hey, look, I'm having just discomfort
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with sex. Is there something I can do? And then let's talk diet.
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There's, there's no magical libido diet, but however,
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their eating patterns can support metabolic health and make you feel sexier
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as well. And it helps with muscle retention. Start with protein.
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I honestly, if you go with kind of the rule that
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you should have, you know, 1 ounce of protein for every pound
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of body muscle mass you have. That's a pretty good rule of thumb.
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So if you have 105 pounds or 115 pounds
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of muscle mass, you should be eating 115 grams of protein.
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So when you're trying to lose weight, just focusing on the protein— I know when
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I do this, I don't get hardly get any carbs in at all because the
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protein, it takes a lot to eat that much protein. And you can get protein
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around eggs. Eggs are a wonderful source of protein, and fish. Just be careful
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with the mercury load of fish. And then cottage cheese,
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yogurt, chicken, lean meats, beans and lentils,
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tofu. Try to stay away from the fried food as we get older. That's not
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good for your cardio health as well. And then add vegetables when you,
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when they're tolerated, whenever you need. So you think of your
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diet as protein first, then plants and fiber,
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and then healthy fats. It's not starvation. You'll find that if you can
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get enough protein in and you get your workouts in and you get your weight
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training, the weight will just fall off. Maybe not as fast as it did in
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your 20s. But consistency works and it will start to work.
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But remember, the number one way that you have to do is you
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have to get at least 8 hours of sleep, ladies, because we need the sleep
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as we get older as well. And the sleep will help the weight come off
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and it needs to be uninterrupted sleep. So get one of those rings. And if
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you wake up a few times, that's okay. But if you're getting up at 3
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o'clock in the morning and working for a couple hours, that's not healthy either.
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So try to get your sleep under control. For me, it's been a challenge.
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I understand, but sleep is important. And if you
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have a partner that snores, maybe start sleeping in another room. Come together at
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night and then go and leave and go to the other room so you can
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get a good night's sleep. And, or make them go to the other room.
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Personally, that's probably my favorite idea. And then don't declare war on fat.
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We need fats for our skin as well. So we need extra virgin
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olive oil, avocados, some nuts and seeds. You need those things to make
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sure your skin stays supple as well. And then fiber will matter.
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So remember that fiber helps you feel full. I don't focus
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a lot on fiber though, because vegetables have enough fiber in them. It's not like
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you need to add flaxseed typically, or oats, because if you're eating enough protein
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and getting fiber from your regular vegetables like broccoli and
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cauliflower and kale, you shouldn't have to worry too much about
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adding more food because you'll have plenty of calories. You'll have plenty
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of food with just the protein and basic veggies.
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Try to stay away from all the processed stuff though. The processed stuff, as we
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get older, it's just not good. And the fried stuff is terrible. So get away
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from all the fried foods and then When we talk about exercise, you need to
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start talking about strength training. So we have a wonderful
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ability to build, you know, strong legs. So I think working the leg machines
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and, and rows and hip thrusters, get those butts going and leg presses
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and those types of things will give you the biggest bang for your buck the
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fastest. 'Cause your legs are some of your biggest muscles. You don't have to become
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a bodybuilder, but we do need muscle and we do need strong.
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There was a study that came out that said that the strength of your thigh
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will determine your longevity. And because of that, if you have strong thighs,
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you're less likely to fall. You're less likely to have hip problems.
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You're less likely to get hurt, hurt. But I recommend that all women work
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out with weights 2 to 4 times per week. And you adjust it based off
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your medical limitations. And until you can, maybe you start off in
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the pool and they do have weights for pools that you can use to start
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strength training to get you back to flexible. And then eventually you move to the
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weight room. And yes, walking counts as well. Walking, you increase it,
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increase it daily. I know some people only walk 15, 20 minutes a day,
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but I don't know why. People can't walk at an hour a day. Do it
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30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes at night. Walking is one of the best
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ways to lose weight. And if you do it on an empty stomach, it's even
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better. Start first thing in the morning as the sun's coming up and get a
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beautiful 30-minute walk out in nature. And then there's dancing and hiking
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and swimming. All of these things we can do, ladies, we're not stopping.
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We're just getting started. So remember, your life is
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what you make it. Your life is how you decide
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for it to be. And it should be joyous and joyful,
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whether you're married, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single
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and you're happily single, whatever. Let's enjoy life
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together. And then sleep may be secretly, you know,
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sabotaging both your weight and your sex, because if you're tired,
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you're not going to be in the mood. And, you know, sometimes if, if they
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snore, you're, you're awake. And sometimes you may snore when you're tired. And then alcohol,
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ladies, alcohol at bedtime is a killer for sleep. You think you're getting better
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sleep, but you're not. And then if you're in menopause, you may be having hot
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flashes in the middle of the night and that can cause it too. So if
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you're drinking coffee, try to cut your coffee intake off by no later than
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1 or 2 o'clock in the afternoon, because that can interfere with your sleep
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as well. And then once you get your sleep improved, that might help your libido
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because your testosterone does increase naturally when you're sleeping better. So there
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are supplements that actually work that can help with
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your libido as well and help with weight loss. So let's talk a
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little bit about some basic things that people need to take. So you need to
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make sure that you have adequate vitamin D. And as winter months come, a lot
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of people do not get adequate vitamin D. And don't assume that
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you're getting it just because you go outside once in a while. You need to
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get it tested because what happens is our— we get older, our skin gets a
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little thicker, and you don't absorb as much vitamin D as you used
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to. So go to the doctor, get your vitamin D tested. And magnesium is
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one of the most important things for normal muscles as well. And it helps with—
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if you ever have the problem of like you have restless leg syndrome or you
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get twitchy or cramps, you may have a magnesium deficiency.
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Don't forget about taking enough magnesium in. Omega-3 fatty acids,
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that's good for your skin. It's good for your organs. It's good for inflammation.
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Creatine, one of the biggest things that deserves attention lately in
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midlife great ladies is creatine because it can help with muscle development and it combines
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with resistance training. It, I would recommend 3 to 5 grams daily
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is common maintenance amount. You may want to go a little bit more, talk to
17:57
your doctor, but it's not a libido supplement, but it is a muscle performance
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tool. So it'll help you get in shape faster and quicker. And then protein
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supplementation, protein powder isn't magic. And a lot of times, a lot
18:08
of them have a lot of carbs and sugar in them. So be careful on
18:11
your protein powder when you're taking that as well, but that'll be
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up to you to decide. And then you'll see different products
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that contain things like maca and ashwagandha, fenugreek, corny goat weed,
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DHEA, those types of things help balance your hormones and they
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can help with libido as well. Balancing hormones is always a good thing to do,
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especially if you're having hormonal issues. And then talk to your doctor whenever
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you're adding supplements as well, because some supplements do interfere with
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medication. So you need to be aware of that. And then when
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hormones, you know, enter the conversation again, it's always good
18:44
to talk to your doctor, talk to your vet, to your doctor. Gynecologist is a
18:48
great place to start. If you need to go to a specialist for hormones,
18:51
you can either get a referral or you can, there's plenty of hormone specialist
18:55
doctors out there because you need to discuss your menopause symptoms,
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your thyroid, your sleep, if you're having depression, and your medical
19:03
health, forget to take care of your hormones. Estrogen is a
19:06
big one because a lot of people in our age need to supplement with estrogen.
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When estrogen has— it has an enormous sexual difference in when
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you have low estrogen and your vaginal dryness. That is a big
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one. Testosterone can help with vaginal dryness too, but this estrogen is huge.
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So if sex is hurting and you want sex to become a lot easier,
19:25
talk to them about estrogen. And then testosterone, it can matter for sexual
19:30
function as well. There's evidence that testosterone, it's in postmenopausal
19:34
women, it creates our— it gets rid of any sexual desire
19:38
disorders you may have. That doesn't mean your libido is going to go from great,
19:41
from bad to great overnight, but it may help. And, but if
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you get too much testosterone, again, it can be, can cause acne,
19:49
facial hair, scalp changes, and extra oily skin. So be
19:52
careful with testosterone. Okay. You want to get it regulated.
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You want to get the right amount. And then there are the prescription
20:00
weight loss medications. If you need to go that route, I know a lot of
20:03
women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s are on them now. There's the GLP-1s,
20:07
the tirzepatides, the retatrutide now, and I'm sure
20:10
there'll be more coming along the way. But you need to make sure that you're
20:13
still getting adequate protein and still working out during this because a lot of people,
20:17
they take these, these GLP-1s and then they stop, they stop
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eating as well. And then they, they, when they get off the GLP-1s,
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they gain all the weight back. So just remember that it can be a problem.
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And then don't expect weight loss medication to fix your libido.
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That has to come from within and it has to be a balance of hormones
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And you have to be able to believe that you want to have sex.
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You have to understand that you're, you're, you have to have a desire for sex.
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And that may mean you may need to go to a therapist as well.
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There may be some mental health issues that need to be worked out with maybe
20:48
between you and your partner, but weight loss medication is not a silver bullet
20:52
to fix your libido. It may help with your, your physical confidence,
20:56
but that's not a fix to your libido. And then there's
20:59
also medications for, it's called hypoactive sexual
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desire disorder. It's when you don't have a strong sexual sexual desire for
21:07
your partner. And it can be, it can have a medical history issue.
21:11
It can cause, it might include behavioral approaches or different
21:15
medication or vaginal symptoms. What can be done to
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help fix it? But what I would do first is try to build your confidence
21:23
back up. If you're over 40 and you gained weight, your libido is still there.
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It hasn't disappeared. Believe me, mine's stronger than ever.
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So don't immediately assume that the solution is simple.
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Lose some weight instead while you're working on to investigate this,
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the entire system. Ask yourself, is the sex physically comfortable to
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me? Is it not? Is it even in a little bit discomfort? Address that
21:43
first and then ask how you're sleeping. If you're not getting sleep, that will
21:48
definitely affect your weight because people gain weight. There's been studies
21:51
that show if you don't get adequate sleep, you're going to gain 11 to 15%
21:54
more weight than if you get adequate sleep. And are you losing muscle?
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A lot of women lose muscle over time. So start resistance training.
22:02
And then look into what you're eating and your menopause symptoms that
22:06
you need to discuss with your clinician. And then the number 6,
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I mean, the next thing I would say is, did your libido change after starting
22:13
a specific medication? And then ask yourself, do I really want sex or
22:17
am I avoiding it because I'm uncomfortable with my body? And if you're uncomfortable with
22:21
body, maybe you need to talk to a therapist about body image. Maybe you need
22:25
to figure out what you need to do to make your body, to love your
22:27
body more. Because we should all love our bodies. And is there any resentment or
22:31
emotional disconnection in a relationship? Has your partner been secretive?
22:35
Are they not interested as often? Are they leading to things
22:39
that are making you feel uncomfortable? You need to discuss that with your partner.
22:42
And then finally, you know, is low desire causing distress
22:47
that other things haven't addressed it? There may be other things that come up.
22:50
Maybe you're in a situation where you're in a relationship where
22:55
the partner is not loving But figure out exactly why your libido has
22:58
gone down. So let's put a game plan together.
23:01
Let's, for the next couple of weeks, we're going to work on stabilizing
23:05
your sleep, your intake, your exercise,
23:08
your medications, fixing your vaginal dryness and any pain related
23:13
to sex. And this is going to start with physically, physically without making intercourse the
23:17
requirement. You're just going to, maybe you touch, you kiss, you cuddle, you flirt,
23:20
but take intercourse off the table. And then the next couple of weeks, try to
23:24
increase your strength training, decrease your waist circumference,
23:28
make sure you have vaginal comfort, that you're— see how your libido
23:32
feels, see how your mood feels. See if you guys are talking more, if there's
23:35
more connection, because the scale's one measurement,
23:39
but how you feel is, is, is even more. And then the next couple
23:43
of weeks. So we've done 4 weeks of just working on getting ourselves
23:46
comfortable, getting any pain or dryness gone, and then getting
23:49
our weight in a closer way. And then for the next 2
23:53
weeks, we're going to reassess. So say, hey, have I lost the weight I wanted?
23:56
Do I have more to go? Do I need to— have I gained any strength?
24:01
How is intercourse now? Is it less painful? Has my libido
24:04
changed? Are the hormones kicking in? Because by week 6, you should see some changes
24:08
with hormones if you're on hormone therapy and improve.
24:12
Is there anything else you need to improve? And then rework the cycle again
24:16
and just slowly every 6 weeks do an improvement. So each,
24:20
each, every 2 weeks, you're going to refocus on different things. And if you rework
24:24
and you refocus on improving your sex, it'll get better. It's just
24:28
consistency and reclaiming your sexuality while your body changes.
24:32
It's important because you're going to be, your body's going to change.
24:35
Here's the reality. Your body's going to change. Men's bodies change. They gain a lot
24:39
of weight as well. They don't look as attractive as they did in their 20s.
24:42
And so men have to understand that it's just part of life. And you need
24:46
to understand that too. You also may want to have a cosmetic procedure if you
24:50
want to nip and tuck anywhere. There's no judgment. You can change your body however
24:53
you want to change your body, but don't postpone your life just because you're
24:57
a little bit uncomfortable. And don't spend 5 years saying, I, I'll date when I'm
25:01
thinner, or spend 5 years saying, I'll date when my stomach gets flat.
25:04
No, get started now. Today is the day. It's the best day you have.
25:08
It's the only day you have. You're not promised tomorrow,
25:12
so make every day count. And in closing, I just want to say, if your
25:15
libido changed after 40 at the same time your weight changed, There's probably
25:19
a deep connection there. So look deeper, look into your muscle mass, look into your
25:23
health, look into your comfort level, your stress, your sleep, and take
25:27
it seriously because it matters. You should have sexual health all the way up
25:31
into your 70s and 80s. Ladies, this is not something that you're
25:34
done having sex at 40, because women, we as women are sexual
25:39
creatures and we need to enjoy sex just as much as men. And sometimes
25:43
your body isn't telling you that your sex life is over. It's just saying,
25:46
I need need some support. I need some help. I need to make a
25:49
few changes here and there because things have changed a little bit and there's nothing
25:52
wrong with that. So I hope that helps. Remember, live life for
25:56
today because this is the only day you have and stay strong.
25:59
This is Diva Mia signing off. Have a wonderful
26:03
week and enjoy your life and enjoy your sex. Take care.
26:12
Love hearing from you. Visit thedivadetails.com
26:17
to connect. See you next week for more.
26:24
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