Latest / That Mom / Why Motherhood Feels So Lonely (And What Actually Fixes It)
Transcript
- Maria Woods: you Welcome to That Mom, the podcast where we explore finding more joy and more meaning in the beautiful chaos of motherhood. I'm your host Maria, and I'm so glad you're here. excited to have you here, Chrissy. ⁓ Welcome and excited to have you share a little bit about your personal journey, as well as something amazing that you've built, the Her Health Collective. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to sit down with you. And I know just like last time, it's going to be a really fun conversation. So I've been looking forward to this. Amazing. I have been as well. So tell me a little bit about your personal journey and how that led you to the Her Health Collective that you founded. Yeah, thank you for asking. I think stories have such power and are such an important part of truly knowing a person and why they do what they do. So Her Health Collective is sort of like my baby. And it became very important to me in my own motherhood journey. Basically, when I had my daughter, I was dealing with severe postpartum anxiety. And I had grown up with depression, depression runs in my family. I was fully prepared for postpartum depression. I was not prepared for postpartum anxiety. It kind of took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting the sweat dripping down my back at the thought of holding my baby or the fear of dropping her or the fear of leaving the house and germs and just the sound of sirens and how that would set me over the edge. was truly debilitating. It kept me from doing a lot of things I wanted to do and being the mom that I had envisioned myself being. So it threw me for a loop. And I realized that Our society has such a stigma around mental health. And I was aware of that. I knew about that. I've always been passionate about mental health. However, it's a totally different game when it's a mom. When a mom is struggling and she's trying to show up to be there for her child and to be the mom that society says we should be and she has this vision of being. yet there's this mental health struggle. That is not okay. That is truly debilitating and keeps a mom from fully showing up in her life in the way that she wants. And I knew that I wanted to make a difference. I never wanted any mom to feel as alone as I did. I met my business partner, Cindy Michelson. We were both personal trainers with a local mom group, Fit for Mom. taught classes to moms while they had their little ones with them. through that network, through knowing a lot of moms, we quickly realized that loneliness and overwhelm were the two words that we were hearing on repeat. And we both felt it to some degree in different ways. I had a really young child, her kids were older, and yet we were both feeling this. how was it that a mom that was so much further ahead of me on the mom scale of life was still navigating these feelings of loneliness and overwhelm? And that to me was when I was like, huh, this is seriously a problem. This is an issue. And the overwhelm piece really came from this idea of we're trying to navigate our own health. and being there for our kids and how to parent them in a way that aligns with our values and what society says we should be doing and school systems and feeding our kids and all of these things. And it's all so overwhelming because we go to Dr. Google and we type in our question and we are inundated with 15 different answers from 35 different experts and we don't know who to trust. And that was another big piece. We realized that the community to take away that lonely and trusted vetted experts to take away that fear of overwhelm and not knowing who to turn to or who to trust was key. And that's what I recognized that I needed as I navigated postpartum anxiety. And that was what she needed as she was navigating the school system and some issues with her own daughters. And that was sort of what led us to this space. Yeah. Thank you for being so open and sharing about your journey and your personal experience. ⁓ I know myself, I can relate to that feeling of overwhelm being a new mom and part of the impetus for starting this conversation at that mom is really, ⁓ kind of validate some of feelings in motherhood that we don't always talk about and to kind of shine light on conversations that we might not always make space for because we're so busy. ⁓ You know, I'm sure there's people listening that have dealt with either postpartum depression or anxiety. ⁓ But I think almost every mom can identify with that overwhelm because I think that's just so common today. And like you said, going to Google or now it's chat GBT or a Facebook group or whatever it is. I certainly remember those early years of just trying to find a solution and answer to a perceived problem. And there's definitely no shortage of information. It's just processing that and figuring out the path forward that certainly felt overwhelming to me. Yeah, absolutely. And thank you for saying that. I agree with you. I think the overwhelm piece It's just become such an integral part of the motherhood experience, sadly. And I don't know that it's going anywhere. I think as we're inundated with more and more resources and tools and options, it is overwhelming. There is an abundance of choices out there, which is wonderful. There's pros to that, right? But there's also this added struggle of making all of these decisions. And you hear about decision fatigue with your wardrobe, and you should have a capsule wardrobe because it makes life so much simpler. But I think in a lot of ways, we can apply that to our own life and all the decisions that we're just bombarded with on a daily basis. when you perhaps have a job, perhaps are running a household, are raising one, two, three plus kids, These are decisions that you're making constantly. And it's not just for yourself. You are now responsible for another living, breathing human being. And that's a lot of pressure that we're putting on ourselves to get it right and have all the right choices made. And truthfully, in most situations, there is no one right choice. There is simply no right choice when it comes to motherhood. There is the right choice for you in that point in time. But we get so trapped in comparing what our decision is with what everyone else says our decision should be. And it's that that should around so much of motherhood that I think is problematic. Yeah, definitely. And what stuck out to me too is that the overwhelm or the shoulds or the pressure, it doesn't go away. So I know I felt it most acutely when my son was born, my first child, but I think you're right, your friend was navigating and co-founder was navigating school systems, which is another thing. ⁓ I remember for me, once some of the baby stuff felt like it was under control a few months in, six months in, then like the feeding schedule and introducing solid foods, which seems trivial maybe now even to me. but it just felt very overwhelming. What do I do? How do I fit this in with naps and bottles and all the recommendations trying to put a framework together that could possibly work for a schedule and incorporate everything. So yeah, it's just so interesting how this travels through moms. ⁓ Would you tell me how her health collective is designed to combat some of this overwhelm? And then also, I know you mentioned loneliness. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for asking. Her health collective was designed based on the need that we saw among moms in our community. And really it has almost been like a snowball rolling down the hill and it's kind of grown and blossomed and become its own entity and its own village based on what the people in the community said that they needed. And we really have two core parts. One is the community. So we wanted to tackle this feeling of loneliness. So we have a supportive village for moms where we have over 10 events a month from mom night out to book club and conversation circle and volunteer opportunities. All of these are opportunities for moms to get together. However, what is unique about these gatherings is that They are designed for each person there to show up and be their authentic self. I have been to so many mom groups and gatherings where I feel like I had to have my skirt on exactly right and have the right hairdo and I needed to fit in. It almost felt like going back to high school. I felt this intense pressure to fit in and I didn't want that. for this community. I wanted moms to feel welcomed however they are on that given day, in that given moment. And let's face it, there are some days where I've got the hair right and the skirt looks great and I'm showing up and I feel great. But there are other days where I need to wear my stretchy yoga pants and my messy mom bun and I'm probably gonna come with tear stains just running down my cheeks. And we all need a space where we can show up like that. and be accepted and be welcomed and be held and be witnessed in those feelings. That is where the magic is. And that I think is what sets this community apart is that it was designed and it's facilitated to create those moments of authentic connection and relationship building. And then we also have an expert community because We want moms to have access to vetted experts, trusted experts. When you know that you need a pediatric dentist, you don't just start scroll. Well, we do sometimes scroll through Google, but we can be overwhelmed again by all those choices. So what do we do? We go to the mom group or we go to our mom text thread and we ask our mom friends, who should I go see? And that's really where our expert directory comes in. These are trusted vetted experts. personally looked into every single expert that's listed here, you can count on them being a reliable resource. And we get vetted articles and video and content from them, and we have workshops with them. So we connect our moms with those experts. And then simultaneously, we have opportunities for those experts to come together and collaborate and learn from one another, because so much of our health care system is piecemeal, where you go see a pelvic floor PT, And they are assessing you and give you a diagnosis, but that's only half of the picture because they also need some of the information that the gynecologist has, and they need some of the information from the gynecologist, the pediatrician, the nutritionist. All of these need to come together to provide that information for an accurate portrayal of what you are dealing with. And that's really what we want to create. We want to create a collaborative system of care for moms so that we're all working together to identify what is going to be the most helpful for any mom at any given point. Yes, that's really great. I'd like to kind of do a double click on that first part about community and creating those authentic opportunities for people to come be themselves. I think. What's so powerful is you said someone, you might even have tear stained cheeks and that opportunity to be held and to be ⁓ witnessed. And I think sometimes as a mom, that's what we're looking for, some validation that someone's been there, they understand. And I think who better to validate moms than other mothers who are actually going through similar things or can empathize with what's going on. I think that is. just amazing in and of itself to offer to women who are mothers. ⁓ Is there any way you suggest that moms who are listening could set this kind of structure up for themselves? know, if they are local to you, perhaps they can join the Her Health Collective, ⁓ also open to whatever you offer online, because that could be really helpful. But if someone's trying on their own to kind of... create this safe space for themselves and a place to be validated and heard? ⁓ How can they do that? Yeah, it's scary. And this can be a very kind of like rip off a bandaid situation. But the number one way to create these spaces is to do it yourself. So if you want an authentic space and you want people to share their true story and show up as they really are, you have to be willing to do it yourself first. And that's the scary part. I recently shared a story about a new member welcome we had, and we always do this. So it was about 10 moms. We were sitting around a coffee shop in a big circle, and we were asking the question, what's a current mom struggle that you're dealing with right now? And they could have taken that in any direction, and we could have gone in a light, funny, lighthearted direction, but I wanted us to go deeper. This was the first time all 10 of these moms had met. So I went first and I shared a struggle I was having with my daughter. It was real. It was rough. I got emotional and then we went around the room and a few moms later, she shared a bit about her infertility struggle and the journey that she was on with that. And she texted me a few hours later and just said, I just want you to know I am not the kind of person to ever share something like that with a room full of strangers, but it felt so good and I felt safe doing it because you had done it too. And she thanked me for sharing the story and creating that space. And my story that I shared had absolutely nothing to do with infertility at all, but we both were being vulnerable and authentic and sharing something that was deep within our hearts at that moment. And you could feel it. You can feel when another human is being authentic with you. We know. We're human lie detectors in that sense. We can sense this in another human. And when we take that first step, when we open ourselves up and are a little bit vulnerable, we are inviting other people to do the same. And that is where human connection happens. That is where we're able to start building those relationships. And I will also just throw out and say, we are in the process of getting ready to launch Her Circle chapters in other cities. So if this is you, if this is the kind of person you are, please reach out because we would love to bring a Her Circle to your city, perhaps with you at the helm and helping make moments like this happen for the moms in your city. That's amazing. think it's so powerful. And I actually got a little emotional listening because I think for a mom to open up to something that's meaningful to her, whether it's infertility or something else, it's just powerful. And it's so helpful to feel like you've been heard or you've let something go that you've been holding on to. And I think that's something that people can take away. know Me personally, I'm drawn to people who will open themselves up because it makes me feel more comfortable to share. But that's a really good reminder for me that especially when I go into a situation where I feel some pressure that I'm putting on myself to be perfect, be perceived in a certain way, that if I can... open up a little when it's appropriate, right? That that kind of takes the pressure off and changes the dynamic of the relationship. So I think that's a good reminder for me and really helpful for a lot of moms out there. Yeah, I think it's so important to remember that women don't need to be healed or fixed. Women just want to be witnessed. We just want to be seen. And I think that when we walk into a room and remember that, I am here to witness everyone else around. I'm here to see the women in this room. That helps you make an authentic connection. And it takes the spotlight off of you and your fears and concerns and the ego and all this pressure that we put on ourselves. And we're turning it on the person that we're speaking to, the person we're talking to and that leading with that curiosity and letting that guide the the conversation and where it will go is when magic happens. Yeah, I feel it. Just, just listening to what you're saying. ⁓ I definitely feel that moms need to be heard and seen. ⁓ so yes, pre creating that space for other moms around us. It's so practical. It's something we can just start doing and thinking about immediately. Right? You don't have to solve the problem. You don't have to. necessarily recommend that expert to them. You just need to listen and to be someone to witness what they're going through. That's really powerful. Yeah, absolutely. And I think you Yeah, your phrasing of it was just perfect. I very much think that was well said. Thank you. ⁓ And then onto your directory. I think it's so amazing that you're encouraging experts to collaborate and creating that community. I know you started ⁓ locally, but you're also working slowly to expand to a more national directory. Yes, yes. We just recently onboarded about 100 national experts through our inclusive provider directory. So we do have about 200 experts on our directory, approximately 100 are local to Raleigh, North Carolina, the Triangle area where we are based out of, but 100 are located across the nation and we are looking to expand that. So we are welcoming experts from all over. And there is an application process. There is a vetting process because we want to make sure that any expert that we are recommending meets all of the criteria and our values and what we're looking for. And as I said, we're looking to expand our HerCircle chapters as well, because we would love for every city to have this sort of village for moms, both the expert resources and that supportive community. Yeah. That's amazing. And I would imagine as her circle chapters do expand, and perhaps you reach someone who's perfectly situated to take that on today, ⁓ but as that expands, the experts around that community kind of naturally come in and expand as well. So that's very exciting to hear. Yes, we're excited. Thank you. ⁓ And then I kind of wanted to talk a little bit about your life and how you're kind of living ⁓ more intentional version of your life. It seems like you referred to her health collective as your baby. ⁓ So it sounds like you're doing something that you really love. And I'd love to kind of dive into how you transitioned and how you knew you were onto something and how you've been able to incorporate more of what you're passionate about, more of what lights you up into your life versus maybe some of the things ⁓ that don't as much. Yeah, such a good question. And I think it's important to note that. Everything requires the good and the bad. So, you know, I used to be a high school teacher prior to launching my own business and there were parts of teaching that I loved, there were parts of teaching I did not. And it's the same thing with running a business, right? There's always going to be the good with the bad. And I think that the grass is always greener on the other side. We can always sort of anticipate that the next step or this dream that we have is going to be perfect. and it will make our life exactly what we've always wanted. But it's important to remember that every dream comes with a little bit of struggle. There's nothing in life that doesn't have that struggle kind of woven through it. So I just want to say that. I think it's important to kind of remember that. That being said, there are so many aspects of running her health collective that fill my cup. I love the relationships that I have built with both moms and experts. I love getting the feedback of how her health collective has saved my life, her health collective. I wouldn't be here today without it, that I have found my best friend because of it. I've found the perfect doctor that helped me solve this health crisis I was having for so long. These are the types of feedback that we hear every day. And that is something that keeps me going. That is, as a heart-centered, heart-led person, this is the stuff that keeps me moving forward. So I think that in approaching my day-to-day work, there are times where I'm burdened with things that I don't want to do, like social media. Not something that fills my cup, but required. I need to do it because that's how we communicate. That's how we touch new moms and let them know what we're doing. And it's an important piece of our communication strategy. for a while, we've had different social media managers and things like that. But for the most part, I do do a lot of our social media. And I have to kind of remember these buckets in my life, right? This is a bucket that I have to do because it's a part of what I've built. While simultaneously, I want to make sure that I have room every day for the buckets that fill my cup. And when we're talking about the business, that's the things like building the relationships with moms and experts and making sure I have time in every day to do those things. Simultaneously, making sure I have the times of my personal life available to me that fill my cup because I have gone down the path of letting the business sort of take over into where it started to take over too much of my personal life. So I've had to put out boundaries and make sure that I'm still giving myself that time to be with my family, to pursue things like workouts and walks and the things that also do fill my cup. Yeah, that's just such great. perspective and inspiring. think you're so right. There's always things that maybe don't light you up. I'm also in the social media camp where that's one thing I don't necessarily love to do. ⁓ But it's also nice to see how something as fulfilling as your work, you've been able to put some boundaries on that to make sure that you also have time for the fulfilling things in family time and exercise in your personal life. all really good reminders. ⁓ And it sounds like you've kind of built something that really works for you and is working for other moms as well. I certainly hope so. ⁓ So now I have a question. If from all your experiences building relationships with moms and witnessing the moms in her health collective, if you could give a mom listening permission to do one thing, what would that be? I would give her permission to not have it all figured out. I think that, like we said at the top of the hour, that Society says we have to have this all figured out, that we have to show up in a certain way, that this is what's expected of us. And I think that as moms, we need to be given permission to not have it figured out, to not show up in the way that we're expected to by the world around us, but instead to pause, listen to our heart. Find our own values, find our own source of happiness and joy, find what moments matter the most to us when it comes to our family time, and pursue that, because that is what fills us up. It's not what society says we need to do or have done. And we don't have to have all of the answers. At the end of the day, when... not to take it in this direction, but when we're all laying on our deathbed, which is where we will all eventually be, it's not gonna matter the decisions we made that society said, ⁓ you're doing it right. You've got it all figured out. What's going to matter is how we made our children feel, the relationships that we have with our partner, the way we've made a connection with the people in our village and in our network. That is... the relationships, that is everything. That is what's going to matter in the end. So we don't have to have it all figured out. We just have to keep showing up for ourselves and pausing and listening to what we need at any given moment. Yeah, there's so much in there. I think it's so well said. There's the permission to let go of expectations because you can choose to do things differently. And I think only when give yourself the permission to think outside of the box. Can you choose things that might really light you up or prioritize your time in the way that might make sense to you? Maybe not to someone else, but it really makes sense to what you value and care about. You can prioritize the things that fill you up and light you up. ⁓ I think you have to take a pause to be able to do that kind of prioritization. So I think the pausing part is so important and giving yourself space to take that. pause to think about what matters to me, what's going to fill me up, to think about those core relationships in your life that really do matter, as you pointed out. ⁓ It's just a really powerful message. ⁓ And then not letting go of the pressure to have it all figured out, that you can just trust your intuition. think you were saying a little bit, listen to your heart in terms of what's important to you, what your values are, what you enjoy doing. versus ⁓ having a perfect plan on a piece of paper. Yes, beautifully said. Absolutely. There's so much power in the pause and listening to our intuition. yes, perfect. Amazing. Well, this was just, I learned so much from you. I think you're doing just wonderful work on two fronts ⁓ and really brought them together in terms of this. Experts that mothers really need. ⁓ I know I struggled myself to find the right group of experts right after having my son. And then also building this community that really speaks to the emotional ⁓ needs to be witnessed for moms. I think that is just such a high calling that you're leaning into and excited to see what happens next for her collective, her health collective and how you expand. into other circles and other communities. ⁓ Is there anything you want to part by saying to moms? I think that I would just leave them with the final thought to open themselves up, to show up and give it a try, meet that new mom, know, share the snack bag from out of your, your bag with the mom that looks like she needs it. And what's the worst that can happen? Somebody says, no, somebody looks at you weird. Okay. That's their loss, but we're never going to know if we don't try and put ourselves out there. So just. be a little vulnerable, step outside of your comfort zone and show up. That's how we make connections with others. That's great advice. And Chrissy, where can everyone find you and find Her Health Collective online, on social media, and all the tools and resources that you provide? Yeah. Thank you for asking. You can find us at herhealthcollective.com. And we're on Instagram and Facebook at Her Health Collective. And we would love to connect with you. Amazing. We'll drop those in the show notes as well. Thank you so much, Chrissy, for your time. ⁓ As a busy mom yourself, think a lot of listeners will take a lot away from this conversation. Well, thank you so much. And thank you for having these important conversations because this is exactly, again, sharing stories and hearing what other moms are experiencing and going through. That's where the magic happens. And you're doing that. So thank you. Thank you.