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Transcript

Quick Lift: How to Set Boundaries at Work (Scripts From a Former HR Leader) · Loud & Lifted

• 0:00
  Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift, the condensed,
• 0:03
  action -ready version of a full episode. Same
• 0:05
  truth, less time, straight to what you can use.
• 0:09
  I sat down with Carrie, the founder of Hey Work
• 0:11
  Friend. She spent over a decade inside corporate
• 0:13
  HR, in the rooms where decisions get made, including
• 0:17
  about you. Now she's on the other side of the
• 0:20
  table and she is not sugarcoating anything. Everything
• 0:23
  in this episode comes back to one thing, boundaries.
• 0:26
  Not the inspirational poster version and not
• 0:29
  a personality trait you either have or you don't.
• 0:32
  The real, uncomfortable thing. I've sat across
• 0:35
  the table from employees who were stretched too
• 0:37
  thin, silently drowning, and doing everything
• 0:40
  except asking for what they need. And I've also
• 0:43
  been that person, saying yes when I should have
• 0:45
  said no. Absorbing more than was mine to carry
• 0:48
  and convincing myself that being a team player
• 0:51
  meant being available for everything, always.
• 0:55
  No boundaries, no limits, just more. Here are
• 0:57
  the four truths from our conversation. Truth
• 1:00
  one, boundaries feel impossible because your
• 1:03
  nervous system is working against you. Before
• 1:05
  we talk about what to do, we need to talk about
• 1:07
  why it's so hard. Because if you've ever known
• 1:10
  exactly what you should say and you still said
• 1:12
  yes anyway, this is why. Carrie named something
• 1:15
  I have never actually heard of. It's called the
• 1:18
  fawn response. We all know fight or flight, but
• 1:21
  there's a fourth nervous system reaction and
• 1:24
  it's the one that runs on a loop for a lot of
• 1:26
  high achieving women. When we perceive a threat,
• 1:29
  a difficult boss, a culture of overwork, the
• 1:32
  fear of being seen as difficult or demanding,
• 1:34
  our nervous system's instinct is to please, to
• 1:38
  accommodate, to agree, to say yes, even when
• 1:41
  every part of us is saying no. Sound familiar?
• 1:44
  She also called out something else that keeps
• 1:47
  us high achievers stuck. The belief that constant
• 1:50
  busyness equals value. That rest is laziness.
• 1:54
  That burnout is a personal failure. So we push
• 1:58
  through. We ignore the signals. We tell ourselves
• 2:01
  we will set a boundary the next time. But here's
• 2:03
  the correction that Carrie made, and I want you
• 2:05
  to hear it. The World Health Organization has
• 2:08
  officially classified burnout as an occupational
• 2:11
  phenomenon. not a personal weakness, a workplace
• 2:14
  condition. It's not you, it's the environment.
• 2:18
  And knowing that matters because you cannot hold
• 2:21
  a boundary if you believe the problem is you.
• 2:24
  The fawn response isn't a character flaw, it's
• 2:27
  biology, and you can learn to work with it. But
• 2:30
  first, you've got to stop blaming yourself for
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  it. Action item, the next time you catch yourself
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  saying yes out of anxiety instead of choice,
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  name it. That's the fawn response. You're not
• 2:41
  weak. Your nervous system is doing exactly what
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  it was designed to do. Now you get to decide
• 2:46
  whether to actually follow it. Truth two. A boundary
• 2:49
  isn't a feeling. It's a script. And here's what
• 2:52
  it sounds like. Most of us either say yes to
• 2:55
  everything or fumble the no. We over explain.
• 2:58
  We apologize. We came at the first line of pushback.
• 3:01
  And then we wonder why nothing changes. Carey's
• 3:04
  research -backed framework is three steps. And
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  this is what a boundary actually actually sounds
• 3:09
  like in practice. Step one is have a positive
• 3:12
  reaction, not agreement, just warmth. That sounds
• 3:16
  like a great project, or I'd absolutely love
• 3:18
  to help with that. You're signaling that you're
• 3:20
  a team player before you set the limit. You're
• 3:23
  not lying. You're just managing the tone. Step
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  two, the decline, short and factual. Right now,
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  I'm really heads down on X. No drama, no lengthy
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  justification, just one sentence. Also, did you
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  notice there's no apology? Step three, the alternative.
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  This is what separates a boundary from a wall.
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  I can take this on tomorrow or next week, or
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  would you rather I prioritize what I'm working
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  on on this new thing? You're giving them a path
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  forward and you're managing up the process. This
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  formula works with your boss. It works with your
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  coworkers. If you're a high performer on your
• 3:59
  team, people will find you. They will make you
• 4:02
  their backup plan. A warm no, I'd love to help,
• 4:05
  but I don't have the capacity right now, but
• 4:07
  here's where I'd start. It redirects them without
• 4:10
  creating conflict. And when you blow this, because
• 4:13
  we know we will, it happens, Carrie is clear
• 4:16
  on this. Don't just give up. Try it again the
• 4:19
  next time. Go back to the person and reset. I
• 4:22
  recognize I wasn't clear yesterday. Here's what
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  I'm able to do. The boundary doesn't disappear
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  just because you fumbled it once, but you do
• 4:29
  have to hold it again. One more thing that I
• 4:31
  want to land here is the more selectively you
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  say no, the more you signal that you know how
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  to prioritize. Bosses notice, I promise, a person
• 4:41
  who protects their focus and delivers is more
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  valuable than the person who takes on everything
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  and produces mediocre work across all of it.
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  Saying yes to everything is not a boundary. It's
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  an invitation to being taken advantage of. Your
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  action item, think of one situation this week
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  where you're likely to get an ask and you don't
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  want to say yes to. Write out your three -step
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  response before it happens. It's positive, it's
• 5:05
  the decline, and an alternative. And then have
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  it ready before you need to. And remember, less
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  is more and you don't have to apologize. Truth
• 5:14
  three, going to HR is a boundary act. But you
• 5:18
  have to do it right. This is where Carrie's insider
• 5:21
  experience really becomes essential because she
• 5:23
  said something most HR professionals will not
• 5:26
  say out loud. HR is not your friend, even the
• 5:29
  good ones. And I don't mean this personally.
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  I love so many HR people. She was one of them,
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  but they're paid by the company. Their loyalty
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  by design has to be to the organization. They're
• 5:40
  there to protect the organization. This isn't
• 5:43
  a moral failure. This is just the structure.
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  When you walk into HR, you walk in knowing that.
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  But here's a little nuance that doesn't mean
• 5:51
  you shouldn't go. It means you have to go in
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  strategically with your boundary protected. Her
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  advice, document everything before you go. Don't
• 6:00
  walk in with how something made you feel. Walk
• 6:03
  in with what happened, when it happened, and
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  what the impact was on the worked. Non -emotional
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  evidence. Facts and patterns. HR can engage with
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  documentation. They cannot do much with, my boss
• 6:17
  makes me feel undermined. She also said something
• 6:20
  that's hard to hear. Toxic managers often don't
• 6:23
  change. Even if HR has a conversation with them,
• 6:27
  even if they get that feedback in peer reviews,
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  the behavior frequently continues. And now they're
• 6:33
  looking around the room trying to figure out
• 6:35
  who talked. Which means you also have to be honest
• 6:38
  about what outcome you're hoping for. Sometimes
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  going to HR is the right move. Sometimes the
• 6:44
  right move is deciding whether you can get on
• 6:45
  a different team within the organization or whether
• 6:48
  you need to start an exit strategy. She said
• 6:51
  both of those things plainly. A toxic manager
• 6:54
  is probably not going to change and staying inside
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  a broken dynamic waiting for that to happen is
• 6:59
  not a boundary. It's a slow erosion. Action item,
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  if you're dealing with a toxic boss right now,
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  start a documentation log today. date, what happened,
• 7:09
  who was present, what was said, keep it factual,
• 7:13
  and keep it current. If you decide to go to HR,
• 7:15
  that log is your credibility. Truth four, the
• 7:18
  boundary between you and your job is the only
• 7:21
  thing standing between your ambition and your
• 7:24
  health. This is a truth that landed hardest,
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  and I want you to feel the full weight of this
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  one. Carrie worked seven days a week out of fear.
• 7:32
  She had a toxic boss and a workload with no ceiling.
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  She did everything. Went to her boss, went to
• 7:38
  HR, advocated for herself, and none of it changed.
• 7:41
  The work kept coming. She worked herself into
• 7:44
  an autoimmune disorder. She was in pain in the
• 7:47
  middle of the night, film rolling at 2 a .m.,
• 7:49
  too afraid to take time off to see a doctor.
• 7:52
  When the pain became unbearable, she took medical
• 7:54
  leave, and while she was on medical leave, she
• 7:56
  got laid off. She gave everything she had to
• 8:00
  protect that job. And she lost it anyway. This
• 8:03
  is not a one person story. $187 billion is spent
• 8:07
  in the US every year on medical treatments related
• 8:10
  to burnout. Working more than 55 hours a week
• 8:13
  significantly increases your risk of heart attack
• 8:16
  and stroke. She knows someone had a heart attack
• 8:18
  at 39, healthy, active, working too much. She
• 8:21
  hears from people constantly in her DMs, shingles,
• 8:24
  stress, autoimmune conditions, anxiety, depression,
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  all of it tied back to chronic workplace overload.
• 8:31
  Your body keeps score. The company does not.
• 8:34
  This is the mindset shift that we all need. View
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  your job as a transaction. They are not loyal
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  to you. You should not be loyal to them over
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  the point of your health. That doesn't mean you
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  don't do good work. You absolutely do good work.
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  You show up with integrity, but then you go home.
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  Because you can give everything you have and
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  still get laid off. The only things you take
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  with you when that happens are your health, your
• 8:59
  reputation, and your relationships. Don't sacrifice
• 9:03
  the first one for a paycheck that was never guaranteed.
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  This is what the boundary is ultimately protecting.
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  Not your schedule, not your evenings, although
• 9:12
  important, but not as important as your body.
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  Your capacity to stay in the game long enough
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  to actually win it. Your action item, identify
• 9:20
  one thing you are currently doing out of fear
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  rather than choice. Staying late, answering emails
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  at 10 p .m., absorbing someone else's work, name
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  it out loud, then decide, is this a boundary
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  I'm choosing to set or what I'm choosing to give
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  away? Because there's always a price. Carrie
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  ended our conversation with a line that I'm going
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  to improve on. You can't just throw aside the
• 9:41
  symptoms when they start showing up from burnout.
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  You have to start listening to your body and
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  do something about it. Four truths, one through
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  line. Boundaries are not about being difficult.
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  They are not a personality type. Some people
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  have them and some people don't. They are a skill.
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  It's researched, practiced, imperfect, and absolutely
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  learnable. And they are not optional. Not if
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  you want to stay healthy. Not if you want to
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  stay in the game. And not if you want the career
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  you actually came here for. Your job will not
• 10:13
  protect you. Your boundaries will. Go listen
• 10:15
  to the full episode of Carrie's complete with
• 10:17
  scripts, including exactly what to say when your
• 10:20
  boss texts you after hours and how to reset a
• 10:23
  boundary you've already blown. Until next time,
• 10:26
  stay loud and stay lifted.