Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #520 Habits of Healthy Relationships Part 2

Transcript

#520 Habits of Healthy Relationships Part 2 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: But if we really want to have healthy relationships, we've
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: got to remove the name calling and the swearing, that
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  Speaker 2: horrible accusatory orientation towards another person.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello.
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  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy Families
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  Speaker 2: dot com, dot you and the author of six books
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  Speaker 2: about making families happier. Seventh book coming out really soon.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Can I tell you a bit about what it's about?
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  Speaker 2: Kylie Am I'm here with Kylie, mum to our six
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  Speaker 2: kids and podcast partner Kylie may I.
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  Speaker 3: Can I spill the beans? Can I talk about what
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  Speaker 3: it is? I don't know?
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  Speaker 1: Do you?
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  Speaker 3: Are you allowed to? I don't know if I'm allowed to,
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  Speaker 3: but I'm going to. Let's just do it.
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  Speaker 2: If you're soon to be a dad, this is the
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: book for you. If you know us soon to be dad,
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  Speaker 2: this is the book for you. You know the for
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: dummies books, Well, the people who write the for dummies
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  Speaker 2: books have reached out to me and asked me if
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I would revise an update the old one. So I've
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: done a new version of A Dad's Guide to Pregnancy
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: for Dummies. It's all about what to do if you're
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: the dad of the new baby that's coming along.
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  Speaker 3: How do you help your wife through labor.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: How do you be a support rather than stare at
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  Speaker 2: your phone and wish that you were somewhere else. How
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  Speaker 2: do you actually make a difference? And I had so
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  Speaker 2: much fun writing this book. It's coming out soon. We'll
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  Speaker 2: give you more details. It's going to be the seventh
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  Speaker 2: book that I've written, and a book that I think
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  Speaker 2: is going to make a really big difference at the
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  Speaker 2: beginning of the parenting journey because we spend so much
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: time talking about things as we progress. But this is
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  Speaker 2: for any new dads. If you know a dad who's
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: or sorry as soon to be dad, this is one
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  Speaker 2: to watch out for.
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  Speaker 3: It'll be released in time for Father's Day. More details
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  Speaker 3: to come.
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  Speaker 4: So a couple of days ago, we were talking about
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  Speaker 4: some habits to help create healthy relationships, but we never
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  Speaker 4: got to finish them because you did so much talking.
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  Speaker 2: You know what, I'm not going to accept that, not
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  Speaker 2: this time, Not this time, missus Coulson. You blame me
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  Speaker 2: for talking all the time. I think that you did
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  Speaker 2: a lot of the talking on Tuesday is why we
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  Speaker 2: didn't get to the end of it.
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  Speaker 4: I might have, but it just means we get to
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  Speaker 4: enjoy this today as well.
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  Speaker 2: It's a really great topic though, habits of healthy relationships.
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  Speaker 2: On Tuesday, we talked about the first four on my
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  Speaker 2: list of seven, and I need to actually mention these
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  Speaker 2: are habits for healthy relationships with your kids, but we
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  Speaker 2: keep on bringing it into the partner adult relationship because.
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  Speaker 3: Because it feels like we haven't had enough time together.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe, so I wanted to just do a quick summary
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  Speaker 2: of what those first four were and then we've got
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  Speaker 2: three more. But since I've had some time to think
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  Speaker 2: about it, I also thought of three things that I
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  Speaker 2: want to emphasize that are really important in adult spouse
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  Speaker 2: partner relationships, and I'm going to mention them at the
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  Speaker 2: end as well.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, okay, So number one, yep, was make time for
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  Speaker 4: the relationship.
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  Speaker 3: Connection is the currency of relationships.
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  Speaker 2: You've got to make time, put the phone down, time, confetti,
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  Speaker 2: all that stuff.
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  Speaker 4: And number two we talked about laughter and how it
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  Speaker 4: just can change the dynamics of a relationship instantly. Yeah,
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  Speaker 4: we talked about honoring the other person, Yes, yes, whether
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  Speaker 4: they're in the room or not.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, especially, And we talked about it from espousal or
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  Speaker 2: partnered perspective, and I don't think we gave enough focus
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  Speaker 2: to the children in that one.
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  Speaker 3: But you know, well, for me.
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  Speaker 4: It's no different. It's the same conversation. When I'm having
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  Speaker 4: struggles with my kids, I'm also looking for people I
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  Speaker 4: know that my children's that opinions of my children are
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  Speaker 4: safe with.
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  Speaker 3: That's a beautiful comment to highlight.
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  Speaker 2: You want to talk to people who are not going
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  Speaker 2: to judge your kids for being kids while you talk
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  Speaker 2: about how your kids are being kids.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, my kids are driving me insane, but they are
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  Speaker 4: the most beautiful human beings and I know that. Just
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  Speaker 4: in this moment, I'm really struggling and I need event.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, love, Who can I.
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  Speaker 4: Go to that sees my children for who they are
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  Speaker 4: and not for the faults in me? Because I can't
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  Speaker 4: see that right now.
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  Speaker 3: So let me just add to that one more thing.
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  Speaker 2: And the thing that I want to add is it's
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  Speaker 2: very very easy to talk about all the problems that
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  Speaker 2: our kids present.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's easy to talk.
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  Speaker 2: About that than it is to talk about our partner
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  Speaker 2: or spouses problems, like we often keep that stuff locked away.
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  Speaker 2: But the kids, it's almost like it's fair gay. We
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  Speaker 2: can say whatever we want about them, and I hear
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  Speaker 2: people bag their kids out all the time. We've got
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  Speaker 2: to honor the relationship. We've got to honor the kids.
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  Speaker 2: And as we focus on the goodness that they have
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  Speaker 2: and we share that goodness, I think that makes a
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  Speaker 2: big difference.
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  Speaker 4: I think as they get older, it becomes even more and.
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  Speaker 3: More important too, right, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 4: You know the challenges that you have with them as
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  Speaker 4: they become teenagers and into early adulthood, it becomes their story,
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  Speaker 4: and I think it's really important at that point that
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  Speaker 4: we honor their story and their ability to tell their
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  Speaker 4: story well.
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  Speaker 2: And it's pretty tempting even for you and I to
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  Speaker 2: jump on the podcast and say, hey, here's this thing
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  Speaker 2: that happened with one of our kids the other day.
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  Speaker 2: We want to tell you all about it so we
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  Speaker 2: can talk about how to resolve these issues if you're
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  Speaker 2: having them.
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  Speaker 3: But we often don't.
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  Speaker 2: We keep a lot We keep most of the stuff
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  Speaker 2: that happens in our family private because we don't want
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  Speaker 2: to talk about our kids in ways that might make people.
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  Speaker 3: Think ill of them.
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  Speaker 2: They're amazing kids, but gee, say stuff up their drivers mad.
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  Speaker 2: So that honoring the relationship, honoring the other person, only
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  Speaker 2: speaking kindly about them, complementing them regularly important for our
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  Speaker 2: kids as well as for our spouse or partner.
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  Speaker 4: And then number four was having positive illusions, that idea
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  Speaker 4: of wearing rose colored glasses, recognizing the positives even when
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  Speaker 4: sometimes maybe.
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  Speaker 3: It's it's not easy to see. So here are the
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  Speaker 3: next three.
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  Speaker 2: I reckon, if you want to have really great relationships,
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  Speaker 2: you need to attune yourself.
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  Speaker 3: That's an emotional attunement.
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  Speaker 2: It's about empathy, the idea that when somebody is having
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  Speaker 2: a hard time, we don't dismiss their emotion. We don't
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  Speaker 2: get all disapproving and frustrated to the fact that they're
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  Speaker 2: having an emotion. We try to align our emotional state
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  Speaker 2: with theirs.
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  Speaker 3: We try to step into their.
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  Speaker 2: Emotional world and say, wow, this is really hard for
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  Speaker 2: you right now you're struggling, like just honoring the emotional world,
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  Speaker 2: validating the emotional experience of our kids or our partner.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know that there's too many more powerful ways
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  Speaker 2: that we can honor the relationship and make the relationship healthier.
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  Speaker 2: The great Stephen R. Covey, who died a few years
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  Speaker 2: ago now wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
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  Speaker 2: In that book says, the greatest human need is to
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  Speaker 2: be Do you know what the last word is understood? Yes,
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  Speaker 2: the greatest human need is to be understood. It's not
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  Speaker 2: to be loved, it's not even to be trusted, it's
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  Speaker 2: to be understood. Greatest human need to be understood. And
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  Speaker 2: so if we want to have healthy relationships, meeting that need.
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  Speaker 2: Helping people around us to feel understood is vitally important.
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  Speaker 2: When our kids feel understood, all the craziness that's going
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  Speaker 2: on in their brains calms down.
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  Speaker 3: They open up to us, They're willing to share with us.
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  Speaker 3: It's a beautiful thing.
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  Speaker 2: So that would be my fifth of seven habits to
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  Speaker 2: make relationships healthier.
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  Speaker 3: What's number six? Number six is a really simple one.
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  Speaker 3: No name calling.
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  Speaker 4: Oh, this is a pet peeve of mine. I really
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  Speaker 4: really hate name calling.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, when a parent calls a childer name, when a
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  Speaker 2: parent calls, and you might add swearing as well, don't
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  Speaker 2: swear at each other like when kids call each other names.
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  Speaker 2: The word that I think of when I think of
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  Speaker 2: name calling is contempt It's such a contemptuous thing. It's
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  Speaker 2: like you've got this hybrid of thinking that you're better
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  Speaker 2: than the other person, being angry and frustrated with them.
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  Speaker 2: It's just a horrible thing to do. And we've all
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  Speaker 2: had our moments with that, and some of us struggle
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  Speaker 2: with it.
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  Speaker 3: More than others.
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  Speaker 2: But if we really want to have healthy relationships, we've
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  Speaker 2: got to remove the name calling and the swearing, that
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  Speaker 2: horrible accusatory orientation towards another person.
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  Speaker 4: And number seven is forgive.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, we've got to be able to get past stuff.
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  Speaker 2: It's necessary for healthy relationships. Now, I want to put
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  Speaker 2: a caveat in here, well, forgiveness is important. That doesn't
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  Speaker 2: necessarily mean that we allow and continue to allow inappropriate
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  Speaker 2: forms of behavior. If behavior is toxic, if behavior is harmful,
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  Speaker 2: we can forgive the person but not allow that behavior
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  Speaker 2: to continue. We leave the relationship, we create interventions, we
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  Speaker 2: get help. So I want to highlight that forgiveness doesn't
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  Speaker 2: mean that we become a doormat. Forgiveness means is that
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  Speaker 2: we say you're in this place, this is what you
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  Speaker 2: think is okay. I'm not okay with you doing that.
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  Speaker 2: I forgive you for it, but I'm still going to
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  Speaker 2: have healthy boundaries so that this doesn't continue. But forgiveness
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  Speaker 2: is necessary for healthy relationships. I believe it. The research
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  Speaker 2: supports it. It's necessary.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think when it comes to forgiveness, the person
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  Speaker 4: who benefits from the forgiveness most is ourselves. We stop
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  Speaker 4: carrying around the baggage that accompanies whatever has happened that
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  Speaker 4: requires forgiveness. We stop carrying the anger, the hurt. We
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  Speaker 4: actually are able to let go of that.
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  Speaker 2: In so doing, we also give the relationship the room
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  Speaker 2: that it needs to breathe, even if the relationship's over.
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  Speaker 2: Like let's say it's an adult to adult relationship and
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  Speaker 2: it's a coparing situation. You might forgive your ex for
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  Speaker 2: all of the trauma or the drama, all of the
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  Speaker 2: bad stuff that happened, but you, through that forgiveness, then
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  Speaker 2: have the capacity to have an ongoing healthy relationship with
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  Speaker 2: them with the appropriate boundaries in place. As you share
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  Speaker 2: care and custody of children, for example, forgiveness will lubricate
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  Speaker 2: and ease the interactions that you have.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and hopefully help you to create new boundaries.
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  Speaker 2: So there are seven things for healthy relationships with your
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  Speaker 2: kids and even with each other. Make sure you laugh,
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  Speaker 2: make sure you make time harbor those positive illusions with
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  Speaker 2: those rose colored glasses.
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  Speaker 3: Honor, Honor the other person even when they're not present.
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  Speaker 4: Attune your emotions with the other.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, make sure that you don't engage in name calling
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  Speaker 2: or swearing or contemptuous behavior, and forgive. After the break,
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  Speaker 2: we're going to talk about three things that apply specifically
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  Speaker 2: to adult relationships if we want to have.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: Healthy interactions and relationships together. Dads are pretty awesome, just
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: ask me Today.
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  Speaker 2: More dads are more involved with their children's lives than
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: ever before, and research shows that their children are really
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: benefiting from it.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: But too often.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Dads don't realize just how vital they really are. In
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: the Dadding done Right webinar, join me, is I examine
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: how dads can be a fantastic support, the ideal role model,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: and an excellent all round best dad ever. Check out
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Dating Done Right at the Happy Family's webshop.
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 10:20
  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers Now. Three things to
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  Speaker 4: help with adult relationships.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, this is specifically for partners and spouses.
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  Speaker 2: Something that I was thinking about As we were putting
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: this well version one of the podcast together, I thought,
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  Speaker 2: I know most of this is about kids, it applies
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  Speaker 2: to adults as well, but I want to do something
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  Speaker 2: specifically for people who are in couple relationships and they're together.
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  Speaker 2: And these probably aren't the kinds of things that you
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  Speaker 2: might have expected me to say, but I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: check them out there and see what you think. Number One,
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  Speaker 2: if you want to have a healthy relationship with your
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  Speaker 2: partner or spouse, flirt. I like that one, Yeah, baby,
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  Speaker 2: And what I mean by that is, well, you know
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  Speaker 2: what flut means. But send each other text messages that
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  Speaker 2: are a little bit flirty, a little bit of a tease,
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  Speaker 2: show each other that you're thinking of one another when
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  Speaker 2: you walk past each other in the kitchen, squeeze each
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  Speaker 2: other's bum, or anything else that the other person is
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  Speaker 2: okay with. Like flirt, talk about and tease, what's coming up,
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  Speaker 2: what you're looking forward to together, talk.
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  Speaker 3: About intimacy, and really enjoy that. Find the flame. Flirt.
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  Speaker 2: And if you're not comfortable sending flirty text messages via
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: a regular text there are apps that you can get
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: that will encrypt the text messages. They'll be password protected
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  Speaker 2: and you can make things a little bit more private
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  Speaker 2: and safe.
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  Speaker 3: There are a range of apps that are out there
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  Speaker 3: that can do that. Just do a Google around and
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  Speaker 3: find them.
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  Speaker 2: Some of them are a lot what would you call,
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  Speaker 2: Some of them are a little bit morer rated.
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  Speaker 3: Some of them are a.
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  Speaker 2: Lot safer and not the kinds of things that are
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  Speaker 2: going to get you into any trouble if anyone sees
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  Speaker 2: the app. So just do a bit of a google.
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  Speaker 2: But flirt, flirt, flirt, It's great for your relationship. I
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  Speaker 2: should hasten to add, make sure that the flirting is
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  Speaker 2: happening with your partner. When I say flirt a lot,
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: make sure you're flirting with the right person. I'm sorry,
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  Speaker 2: just had to say that. Humor number two. So the
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: number two follows on from that and then extends into
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  Speaker 2: what comes afterwards. I highlight that maybe you can pinch
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  Speaker 2: one another's bums when you walk past each other in
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  Speaker 2: the kitchen, or any other body part that is available
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: for pinching or squeezing, if your partner is okay with it.
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  Speaker 2: And the second one is consent. If you've got a
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  Speaker 2: partner who does not want you to engage with them
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: in a particular way, then you need to honor that.
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  Speaker 2: I know some years ago I shared an idea about
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: flirting to keep the spice in your marital relationship or
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  Speaker 2: your partner relationship on Facebook and mention the whole idea
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  Speaker 2: that you and I've got.
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  Speaker 3: I guess you'd call it a rule.
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  Speaker 2: But when we walk past each other, we make sure
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  Speaker 2: that we reach out and touch one another. It doesn't
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  Speaker 2: have to be sexual, just a squeeze at the elbow
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: or an arm around the shoulder or something like that,
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: just to acknowledge that we've seen each other. And one
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: lady jumped into the Facebook comments said, oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 2: if my husband did that, I would wrestle them to
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  Speaker 2: the ground, Like, just leave me alone. I'm not here
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  Speaker 2: to be touched all the time. Some people don't want
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  Speaker 2: to be touched, they don't want to be flirted with,
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  Speaker 2: or they've got preferences for how that occurs. And whether
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  Speaker 2: you're in a long term relationship or not, the issue
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  Speaker 2: of consent matters, whether it's consent for flirting, whether it's
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  Speaker 2: consent for what might happen subsequent to flirting. It's really
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  Speaker 2: important that you actually check in with each other consistently.
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  Speaker 3: How do you feel about this? Is this okay? Would
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: you like more of that? Do you like that? Should
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  Speaker 3: we stop this? Like make sure that you're always checking in.
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  Speaker 2: And some people will say, all concerned, that's what we're
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: talking about here is probably not for young ears. So
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: if you haven't already switched it off because you've got
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: little kids in the car, if the little kids are
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: in the car, we're just going to talk about some
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: mature themes for a second.
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  Speaker 3: The idea of consent.
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  Speaker 2: Some people say it ruins the momentum, as if I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to sit there and ask my partner of the
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  Speaker 2: last fifteen years if it's okay if we do this thing. Well,
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  Speaker 2: actually you do need to ask your partner of the
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  Speaker 2: last fifteen years if it's okay if you do this
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  Speaker 2: thing in that intimate moment. But it's how you do
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  Speaker 2: it that matters. And you can do it with a
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  Speaker 2: lot of fun. You can do it with a lot
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  Speaker 2: of fluir, you can do it with a lot of sexy.
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  Speaker 2: And so the BDSM community, the kink community, it's all
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: about consent. I mean, these are people and I know
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  Speaker 2: that some people who listening to this may actually be
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: involved in this community, these people who use all kinds
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  Speaker 2: of paraphernalia, they tie themselves up, they tie each other up.
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  Speaker 2: There's all kinds of kink and BDSM behavior that could
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: be considered unsafe, and that's why they have things like
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: safe words. That's why they have things like consent conversations.
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  Speaker 2: And I don't think that anybody's going to say that
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  Speaker 2: people who are involved in that aren't having a good time.
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  Speaker 2: They're not losing any momentum by making sure that consent
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  Speaker 2: is present. Now, I know I've kind of gone a
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: little bit deep there, or off the deep end, but
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I just want to emphasize the importance of consent in
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: our relationships. It's what makes relationships healthy, and it shows
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: honor and respect for your partner in the relationship.
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: It's one of the things that I value the most
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: in our relationship, knowing that my opinions and my thoughts
• 15:06
  Speaker 4: around all of this is respected and I can share
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: my opinions without feeling that there will be a fallout
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: as a result of it.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, opinions, desires, preferences, it's all about consent. So flirt consent,
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: and the third thing to have healthy, happy relationships as
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: adults in a consenting intimate relationship is actually to keep
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: each other across where you're up to, where are you,
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: where are you going, who you're going with when we
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: be home? Like your partner is not your mum and
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: you're not thirteen anymore. I get that, But there's something
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: that shows consideration and respect for your partner when you say,
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: here's where I'm going, here's what I'm doing, here's when
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: i'll be home, here's hey you can contact me. It
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: highlights that there are no secrets. Everything's open, everything's transparent,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: and it helps the relationship to stay healthy.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: No secrets.
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: The only way this one really works, though, is when
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: you're both on the same page and you're both open
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: to sharing those things. If there's one person that's constantly asking.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: Going, what are you doing.
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: Information, then you feel like you've been kept tabs on.
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: But if you're both on the same page and recognize that,
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: it's just respectful.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: You know, if you're.
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: Staying with somebody, you don't leave the house and not
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: tell them what time you're going to be home because
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: they don't know whether it cooked dinner for you, or
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: you know whether or not to keep a light on
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: or keep the door unlocked. All of those kinds of things.
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: It's just respectful.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, consideration of the other person. That's really what it
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: comes down to. Can we be selfless rather than selfish?
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Can we involve the other person in our lives? Tell
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: them what's going on. So we really hope that you've
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: enjoyed this podcast. We've had fun putting it together. The
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: Habits of Healthy Relationships. Thanks so much for listening. We
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: are so grateful that you are participating in what we
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: do with Happy Families and specifically with this podcast.
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: If there's any habits.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: Of healthy relationships that you would love to share with us,
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: please let us know. You can send us a voice
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: memo podcasts at happy families dot com dot you. We
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: want to share those voice memos on some subsequent episodes
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: of the Happy Families podcast, So please get in touch
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: podcasts at happy families dot com, dot you, and hey,
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: while we're being a little bit technical, if you're loving
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: the podcast, can you jump onto Apple Podcasts and leave
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: us a rating and review. Those five star ratings and
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: your reviews are what help Apple to know that they
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: should tell other people about the podcast. The Happy Families
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like more
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: info about making your family happier, we'd love for you
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: to join us at Happy families dot com dot a
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: you