Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / You didn't really fall in love with that narcissist

Transcript

You didn't really fall in love with that narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  You didn't fall in love with that narcissist.
• 0:03
  You know that, right? You absolutely did not fall in
• 0:06
  love with that person. What you fell in love with was a
• 0:09
  version of them. Yeah.
• 0:12
  Yeah. What'd you think I was?
• 0:13
  What'd you think? I was going with that?
• 0:15
  Of course. If you're new here, my name is
• 0:16
  Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist
• 0:18
  myself. And welcome to another episode
• 0:20
  of the Narcissist Cold. Y'all.
• 0:21
  Let's get it. Let's get it.
• 0:22
  Let's get it. I know when I started the video.
• 0:25
  Y'all like Lee. Where you going with this, Lee?
• 0:27
  You always you. I knew you was other than
• 0:28
  something, but Lee, I did love them.
• 0:32
  I know you did. But did you love them or did you
• 0:36
  love the version of them that they presented to for you?
• 0:39
  Did you love the version of them that they showed you at first up
• 0:42
  front as opposed to this some different version of them that
• 0:46
  was concocted from the past? Right?
• 0:49
  Who did you fall in love with? Seriously, who did you fall in
• 0:54
  love with? Because so many people, the
• 0:55
  reason I asked that question is because you can't sit right here
• 0:59
  and say, and I don't. And I talked to so many people
• 1:01
  on my Zoom calls, right? That say, hey, lady, if this
• 1:04
  person right now that's treating me this badly was the person I
• 1:08
  met in the beginning, I wouldn't be here.
• 1:12
  You see what I'm saying? If they were treating you the
• 1:14
  same way that they're treating you, if they, if they started
• 1:17
  the relationship off the same way that they're doing it right
• 1:20
  now, most people wouldn't still be there.
• 1:24
  Most people wouldn't say, I still love this person.
• 1:26
  Most, most people wouldn't have gave that person a chance.
• 1:28
  You notice, as I said, most people, because there are some
• 1:30
  people out there that absolutely would, right?
• 1:33
  There's so many people out there that absolutely would.
• 1:35
  There's some like, hey, there's things going on that might be
• 1:39
  outside of my control, right? That might, might, might be
• 1:41
  outside of my wheelhouse, but most people would say, no, I'm
• 1:44
  not dealing with this. But there are some people who
• 1:46
  just like, yeah, I'll get my chance.
• 1:48
  They're cute. They got dreads, they got hair.
• 1:49
  They, they, they got a nice little booty on them.
• 1:51
  Whatever. Some of them, some people will,
• 1:53
  right? This is not the judgement
• 1:56
  channel. This is the self aware
• 1:57
  narcissist channel, right? But seriously, did you fall?
• 2:02
  Who did you fall in love with? Y'all?
• 2:03
  Cause so many people, so many people struggle to leave these
• 2:06
  relationships because you feel like you are still in love with
• 2:09
  this person. But are you or are you still in
• 2:13
  love with the version of them that they presented?
• 2:15
  It's for you, the version of them that they say, hey, look,
• 2:18
  this is me. Hey, look, this is who I am.
• 2:20
  Hey, look, I'm everything that you've been praying for.
• 2:23
  Hey, look, I'm everything that you've ever wanted.
• 2:25
  Hey, look, I'm your dream. I'm your soul mate.
• 2:28
  Hey, look, you don't mind. This is what goes on.
• 2:30
  This is what happens. This is why it's so difficult to
• 2:32
  leave these type of relationships because this
• 2:34
  situation, because they present themselves so well, they get you
• 2:38
  enmeshed into their, into this relationship.
• 2:40
  They immerse themselves into your life.
• 2:42
  They, they kind of weave in and out of your life like a braid,
• 2:46
  right? They're so, they're so deep into
• 2:49
  your life so quickly that it's very difficult to get them out.
• 2:52
  Like a little narcissistic tick, little ticks that suck your
• 2:55
  blood just like that, a little narcissistic tick and they just
• 2:59
  suck in your blood and maybe leaving the disease behind.
• 3:04
  You know, some of the ticks out here be they.
• 3:06
  Yeah, I live in North Carolina. The ticks are a huge problem
• 3:08
  here. That's why like it's it's kind
• 3:10
  of, it's very dangerous here because the ticks and Lyme
• 3:12
  disease and and whatnot. But yeah.
• 3:16
  Did you actually fall in love with them or a version of them?
• 3:20
  This is Yeah. I'm the reason I'm saying this
• 3:21
  and doing this video because it can help you break free.
• 3:25
  Who did you fall in love with? Write it down.
• 3:27
  Yeah, write this type of stuff down.
• 3:29
  Write down who they were when you first fell in love with them
• 3:32
  versus who are they right now? What are the differences?
• 3:37
  And ask yourself that same question I postulated earlier.
• 3:40
  Would you still love this person if they were this person?
• 3:42
  If would you still love them now if they were the same way in the
• 3:46
  beginning that they are right now, if they started off the
• 3:49
  relationship just saying, hey, look, I'm going to cheat on you,
• 3:51
  I'm going to beat you. I'm going to lie to you, I'm
• 3:53
  going to gaslight you. I'm going to just make your life
• 3:56
  a live in hell. I'm going to abandon you and
• 3:58
  kids. I'm going to financially abuse
• 4:00
  you. Would you still be with this
• 4:01
  person again? Most times the answer is going
• 4:06
  to be hell no. Lee Lee, why would you ask me
• 4:08
  some stupid ass question like that?
• 4:09
  I'll be out of here. You see what I'm saying?
• 4:11
  But this is what goes on. I don't think you love them
• 4:15
  anymore. You're trauma bonded to them.
• 4:18
  You're you're emotionally connected to this person in some
• 4:21
  way, shape or form. You've been abused by this
• 4:23
  person. And it's hard to let go of some
• 4:25
  a lot of times it's hard to let go of the abuser.
• 4:29
  You know, that's a thing that's a real thing.
• 4:31
  It's very can be very difficult for the victim of abuse to let
• 4:34
  go of the person that has been abusing them.
• 4:37
  It's a real thing. It's a real phenomenon.
• 4:40
  They a lot of times they call it the trauma bond.
• 4:42
  People used to refer to it as Stockholm syndrome.
• 4:44
  You know what the, the, the person who like the, the, the
• 4:47
  hostage is now in love and sympathizes with the hostage
• 4:51
  taker. The kidnappe is damn near in
• 4:55
  love with the kidnapper. She started to rationalize, but
• 4:58
  he's like, you know what? I know you kidnapped me and got
• 5:01
  me in this damn basement, but I get it.
• 5:06
  I get it. I should not have been walking
• 5:07
  out there by myself. What the hell?
• 5:09
  You were just you. You did what you supposed to do.
• 5:11
  You posed A kidnap me. Why wouldn't you?
• 5:14
  You know damn, I get it. Unchain me.
• 5:18
  I'll stay here with you. Shit.
• 5:23
  That's how they tell you. That's how some people talk
• 5:25
  y'all when they get abused and they get brainwashed and they
• 5:28
  get minds getting warped. That's how a lot of people end
• 5:30
  up talking when they after the the relationship keeps going on
• 5:32
  like that. You know?
• 5:34
  But I say that to say this y'all, who are you in love with?
• 5:37
  Are you still love this person? Now, some people like Lee, I
• 5:39
  still love them anyway. I know they've put me through
• 5:41
  hell. I know they're triggered me
• 5:42
  horribly, but I still love them anyway.
• 5:44
  Again, I'm not saying that you've never loved them.
• 5:47
  I just don't think that love is. You can't.
• 5:49
  I don't think you can simultaneously love somebody
• 5:52
  that is putting you through so much immense pain.
• 5:54
  Most times, in my opinion, there's going to be a trauma
• 5:57
  bond. There's going to be a a deep
• 5:59
  emotional connection. That's not love.
• 6:00
  It looks like love. It's like the it's like the
• 6:03
  sucrose, not the sucrose. It's like the splendor of love.
• 6:06
  It's splendor love. It ain't real love.
• 6:08
  It's splendor. It ain't real sugar love.
• 6:11
  That's splendor love, right. That's what goes on.
• 6:15
  Yeah. I'm just telling you.
• 6:16
  Like, do you? I think most people get caught
• 6:19
  up in these situations and you end up loving the other person
• 6:22
  more than you love yourself. And that makes it a little bit
• 6:25
  more, that makes it even more difficult to leave because
• 6:27
  you're about you're, you're valuing this person more than
• 6:29
  you value yourself. You're putting their needs ahead
• 6:32
  of your own. You're sacrificing your, your
• 6:34
  goals and dreams for this person's goals and dreams.
• 6:37
  You're financing this person's life.
• 6:39
  And then when they get on, they catch up, they leave you behind.
• 6:42
  This happened so many times. There's so many good people out
• 6:44
  there, y'all. That's what I'm trying to help
• 6:46
  wake people up from because hey, look, you can survive this.
• 6:49
  You can get out of this. You just have to get, you just
• 6:52
  have to get clear on what it exactly is you're going through.
• 6:55
  You have to get clear on who this person is because the less
• 6:59
  clear you are, the more that they win.
• 7:02
  That's one thing I can be open and honest with you.
• 7:03
  The less clear you are on who they are, the more this person
• 7:08
  wins, the more this person can take advantage of you.
• 7:11
  The more this person can treat you horribly and feel like they
• 7:14
  can get away with it, the more this person can put you through
• 7:17
  hell, you know, the more this person can just do the worst
• 7:21
  things imaginable to you and come back into your life and try
• 7:24
  to pick up things like nothing ever happened.
• 7:27
  Willie, why do narcissists act like nothing ever happened?
• 7:30
  I'm, I'm glad you asked because most times it benefits them to
• 7:34
  act like nothing happened. Like if I can come back, if I
• 7:36
  can do something horrible and then come back into your life
• 7:39
  and pretend like nothing happened, I'm great.
• 7:42
  I feel amazing now because I could, I, I successfully got
• 7:45
  away with what I wanted to get away with.
• 7:47
  You see, that's how the mind of a lot of narcissists works right
• 7:51
  there, y'all. And what most narcissists are
• 7:53
  going to try to do, they can feel it, y'all, When you're
• 7:55
  falling out of love with them, when you're pulling the love
• 7:57
  away, when you're disconnected from them emotionally, a lot of
• 8:00
  narcissists can feel it, Willie, what do they do?
• 8:03
  What do they do when they can feel it?
• 8:05
  They start to turn love back on. They've been slowly turning the
• 8:10
  faucet of love off, right? Just imagine at the beginning of
• 8:13
  relationship with a narcissist, the faucet is running full
• 8:16
  speed. It's going full-fledged.
• 8:19
  It's love bombing. But as the relationship goes on,
• 8:23
  they turn it down. They turn it down.
• 8:25
  They turn it down. It's now the flow is slower.
• 8:29
  They turn it down. They turn it down.
• 8:31
  They turn it down. Now it's just dripping.
• 8:33
  You ever seen the drippy faucet? Trip, trip, trip, trip, trip.
• 8:37
  You know the faucet is still working because it's still
• 8:39
  dripping, right? The love is still running.
• 8:41
  It's just dripping a little bit. It's just a slow drip.
• 8:44
  What was damn near once a waterfall is now a trickle or
• 8:48
  slow drip. And now there's more.
• 8:51
  Look, there's now there's more and more intervals.
• 8:52
  There's more. There's more time between each
• 8:55
  drip now. And guess what?
• 8:58
  When you get tired of this leak, this leaky love, they know it.
• 9:02
  And guess what happens? They turn the faucet back on a
• 9:04
  little bit. So now the waters, the water or
• 9:07
  the love, it started to flow faster.
• 9:10
  It doesn't flow as fast as it used to, but they turn it on
• 9:13
  just enough to quench your thirst.
• 9:16
  And once they feel like they have your your thirst quenched
• 9:18
  enough, they turn it down. They turn it down, they turn it
• 9:22
  down and they keep turning back on, back off, back on, back off,
• 9:27
  back on, back off. They play this game with you
• 9:29
  because it benefits them. The games that narcissists play
• 9:33
  is, are always going to be games that benefit them in some way,
• 9:36
  shape or form. Very rarely are going to.
• 9:38
  They're going to make any type of sacrifices for you or for
• 9:41
  anybody else in this in any scenarios or any situations.
• 9:44
  But I said you really truly have to protect your peace.
• 9:47
  You really, truly have to protect yourself.
• 9:49
  And you really, truly just have to acknowledge.
• 9:50
  Yeah, yeah. You might once have loved this
• 9:52
  person, but it's the version of them that they presented the
• 9:55
  they put their best foot forward, right?
• 9:58
  Narcissists at the beginning of relationships show you who they
• 10:02
  can be, not who they actually are.
• 10:07
  Who they can be, not who they are who they can be, not who
• 10:14
  they actually are. You see what I'm saying?
• 10:16
  Because that's the way it goes. They don't want to.
• 10:18
  They can't show you who they they can't show you who they
• 10:20
  really are. Because their personalities and
• 10:23
  their likes and dislikes are fluid.
• 10:25
  They're flowing. They're always flowing.
• 10:26
  They're never, they're very, very rarely going to be stable.
• 10:30
  Yeah. That's just the flow of
• 10:31
  narcissistic people, y'all. Anyways, y'all think y'all made
• 10:36
  it to the end of the video? Make sure if you haven't
• 10:38
  already, hit that subscribe button y'all.
• 10:40
  I'm thinking about starting posting my shorts back on this
• 10:42
  channel. I just don't want to flood this
• 10:43
  channel with too much content because I I love having y'all
• 10:45
  here and I don't don't want to overwhelm y'all with stuff.
• 10:49
  More videos coming soon. Like I said, Mental illness.net
• 10:53
  for all things Lee Hammock, my coaching, my courses.
• 10:56
  Everything is available at mentalillness.net.
• 10:58
  Having 50% off my courses into the code Mothers or fathers for
• 11:02
  50% of my courses. Join the support group, am I
• 11:05
  please?