Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep2: Yo, I Never Thought...🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep2: Yo, I Never Thought...🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_02: During this pandemic, we are seeing things that are unimaginable, right?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: And as a person of color, I'm seeing things I never thought I would see.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: I never thought me and two black friends walking into a bank would be told to put on a mask.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: Black people, you get it, right?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: You want me to put that on and go in there?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: I never thought I would see that.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: You know what that's like?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's like two black people winning the cornhole championship of the world.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: You see how the black people didn't laugh?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: Because they don't know what the hell cornhole is.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: I never thought a furniture store could be racist during a pandemic.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: Now, we just celebrated Juneteenth.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's a national holiday.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: It's on the calendar now, and it's beautiful.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's a beautiful situation.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Now, if you don't know what it means, it means it's the emancipation of the last black American slaves.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: But one Ikea store they wanted to celebrate too.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_02: This is a true story, look it up when you leave.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: On Juneteenth, they served chicken and watermelon.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: I was just like, y'all, I was mad.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: I got offended, you know?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Because when I got there, they were out of watermelon.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I never thought I would almost die from coronavirus.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: March 17th of last year, I woke up gasping for air.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's so new, less than a hundred people died from it.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: My wife calls 911.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: The operator has to look it up.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: A black lady named Teresa.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, Oh, it could be COVID.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: He could be contagious.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: Then there's a long pause on the phone.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: Then she says, Girl, you better get away from him.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: My wife goes, What I do?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: She says, put him in the front yard.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I'm trash?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_02: My wife looks at me and goes, You got to go.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm a man.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, hell no, I'm staying in my house.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: I ain't going to no front yard.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: So now I'm sitting in the front yard.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: Gasping for air.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: The ambulance comes, they put oxygen on me.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: They say, say goodbye to your family.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: Now I can't touch my family because I got COVID.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: So my wife is at the front door with my son, and a window separates us.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: They're crying, I'm crying, so I walk up to the window and put my hand on it where my son is, gasping for air.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: My three-year-old son puts his hand on top of my hand, looks at me, and goes, This little motherfucker making fun of me, man.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: Fuck you, dude.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: But the comedian in me was like, his time is incredible.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: So they put me in the ambulance.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: Now, if you've never been in an ambulance, it's a scary ride.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: You don't know what's gonna happen on the other side.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: And they put your neck in a brace so all you can do is look up.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: And while I'm looking up at the ceiling, I'm going, you know what?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: They should put some motivational quotes up here, something.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: Something to put you at ease.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: Like you only live once.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: Enjoy the ride.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: OJ did it.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: So I get to the hospital.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Lots of doctors and nurses waiting on me, and this is when I found out something interesting.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: The guy that rolled me out of the ambulance was like, You're our first COVID patient.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: Good luck.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: So they send me into a room.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: They take every blood test, every X-ray they could, right?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Then they leave the room.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: About 30 minutes later, I see all the doctors in front of my room in a window, right?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: And they're just talking like.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: And then I see him draw straws, and one goes, Fuck! And that dude walks in.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: He's scared.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: He told me less than a hundred people died from COVID.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: So it was new, and he was like nervous, and he goes, Well, uh, here's what's happening.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_02: Your lungs are filling up with fluid, and you have double pneumonia and corona.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I look at the doctor and go, what's that mean?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, Well, it's gonna go really good.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Or really bad.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: And we'll know in about two days.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: And then it starts to sink in.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is serious.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna make it, right?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: He looks me straight in the eye and goes, We'll try our best.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yo.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: You always want people to try their best, right?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: But you never want someone to tell you they're trying their best.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: You ever drop your car off to a mechanic, pick it up, and you're like, hey man, did you fix my brakes?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: And the dude's like, Yeah, you know what, we tried our best.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: So they put me in ICU.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm the only person in ICU.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's new.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's new.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Now, this is the only thing I'm gonna say about vaccines.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care if you're on them or not on them.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna tell you what to do with your body, but if you're not on them, please do not say, I don't want to get the shot because I don't want to be a guinea pig.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: You're not a guinea pig.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: You know how I know this?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Because I was a guinea pig.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: Because the doctor walked into my room and went, we don't know what we're doing.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: So we gotta give you everything.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: And they did.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: I was like a whore, and the drugs were like dicks, and I was just taking them all in the I got gangbanged by experimental drugs.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: The first one they gave me, hydroxychloroquine.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: I had an allergic reaction to it.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: My temperature shot up to 104.8, almost died that night.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: But this is the last thing you ever want to hear your doctor say as he leaves the room.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: He saved my life, he's leaving the room, he looks back at me and goes, man, we learned something new today.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: Now, as I'm dying in the hospital, I'm watching TV.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: And there's a group of people on TV saying it's a hoax.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: Now you know what these people look like.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: I don't have to describe them to you.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: If a cracker barrel exploded and landed on a Walmart and drove off in a F-150.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: So they were supposed to tell me if I was gonna live or die in two days.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: It took them four days, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: The doctor said, You're doing so well, we're actually gonna let you go on the fifth day.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: So on the fifth day, I'm getting ready.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm putting on all my clothes.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: All the doctors run into my room and go, No, no, no, lay back down, lay back down, lay back down.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: You can't leave.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: I go, what's the matter, doc?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: What's the matter?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, Oh man, we just let somebody go home and they died.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, shit.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: You can keep me in this bitch forever.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not going anywhere, you know?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: Put me at the front desk, I'll answer phones, I don't care.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: What was happening is they were letting people go home, they would relapse and couldn't make it back to the hospital.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: If they did make it back to the hospital, it was too packed and they couldn't take them.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: So they uh evaluated me for three more days.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Now remember, it's still new.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: So on the eighth day, they're letting me out of the hospital, out of ICU.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: Doctor looks at me, we're at the exit, me and the doc.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: He looks at me and goes, hey man, you need to quarantine.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: I go, how long?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, uh hmm.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: 22 days?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: Cool.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm at home for 22 days quarantine.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_02: Let me tell you what my beautiful wife is going through.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: She's alone.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: We have a three-year-old son and a two-month-old daughter.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: So for 22 days, I'm hearing my kids yell, scream, my son's asking where daddy is, my wife is losing her mind.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner delivered to my room.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, damn.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: COVID ain't that bad.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like a husband in the fifties, you know what I mean?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, get those kids away from me, bitch.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: Where's my dinner?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: But I gotta say, man, I gotta say.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: To all the doctors, nurses, frontline workers that are here tonight, thank you for what you do.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: You are the real hero.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: So I became good friends with my doctor.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, because he saved my life, right?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: And they test my blood all the time because I was one of the first patients that beat COVID that they didn't put on a ventilator.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: So the doctor calls me up for a uh blood test to see if I need a booster or not.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: But he goes, Well, here's your results.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: If your level is over 20, you don't need a booster.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: If your level is under 20, you need a booster.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: I go, all right, doc, what's my level?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, your level is 25.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: 100.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: You have 120 times more antibodies than you need.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: The highest number I've ever seen during this pandemic is 700.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_02: And your level is 2,500.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_02: I hung up the phone, looked at my wife, and said, I'm a goddamn superhero.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: I'm the half Black Panther.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: Do you realize I could sneeze on someone and cure them?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: Shake my hand, sir.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: You're vaccinated.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: This month, booster.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna lie to you, I got too cocky after the doctor told me this.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: I got way too cocky.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: Way too cocky.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_02: I was doing everything I wasn't supposed to do.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was going out, touching everything.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_02: I was opening doors for everybody.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: Did not care.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Opened the door for a little old lady.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, Do you need some hand sanitizer?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh hell no.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: I am a hand sanitizer.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: I lived a life without fear.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: Everything I was afraid of had no fear of anymore.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: A cop pulled me over and was like, Do you know why I stopped you?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, no, bitch, and just drove off.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, This is what it feels like to be white.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't do that.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_02: Uh uh.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm still half black.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: I ain't doing that to a cop.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, hell no.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: But when you debate your life, when you go back and forth in your life, you don't know if you're gonna live or die.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_02: You realize a lot of things.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_02: Great things that happened in your life and terrible things that happened in your life.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_02: And one thing that stood out to me is my parents never told me they loved me till I was 29 years old.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: And it really messed with me in the hospital, right?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: So before I get into that story, I gotta tell you about my parents.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: If you haven't seen my last special, my dad is black, born and raised in Louisiana, has a PhD in nuclear physics, and served our country in the army, people.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: Now, in the last special, he was 75, now he's 78, and he hasn't changed.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: He's still black and hat swag.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: He still walks around the house like this, you know what I mean?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: And he's always laughing, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_02: And always pointing at random shit that's not there.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: Now, my mom, she was born and raised in Korea, Southside.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_02: Now we know who doesn't watch the news in his room.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: I said it in my last special, Blazion.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's tough having an Asian mom because if they think it, they say it, they have no filter.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_02: My mom just turned 70 and now all bets are off.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_02: She does not care.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: I never thought my mom could be worse.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: My mom won't even say people's names to me anymore.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: Because she would rather describe them to me.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: She calls me the other day and goes, you know what?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: I like your friend.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: He's nice.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: I go, which one?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, fat boy, small feet.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: But I knew exactly who she was talking about.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_02: Because with my mom, my mom will say things that make you mad.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: She will say things that make you want to fight.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: But my mom feels, really feels, that she can say anything to anybody.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's a true, it's a truth.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Why you mad?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's a tr.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Do I lie?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do I lie?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: My mom got in a fight with my wife.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: Now, full transparency, my wife cooks like once every couple of, you know, once a once.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: So my mom walks into our new house and goes, oh, what a beautiful kitchen for no cooking.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: Go, mom, you can't say that in my house.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_02: Nuh-uh, not to my wife.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, why?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's a chur, it's a child.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_02: And then to me and my wife, she goes, Do I lie?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: Do I lie?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: I look at my dad for help.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, walk away, son, walk away.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_02: My wife, she's white.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_02: Whoa, it got quiet.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_02: But my wife is just not white.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_02: She's white, white.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: Now I know a lot of people in here are white, and you're questioning yourselves right now, going, am I white, white?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: My wife is whiter than you.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_02: My wife is from Gillette, Wyoming, white.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: You hear that?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: When white people in Timmy like, dang.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's white.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: But we got a beautiful family, man.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: We got two kids.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: My son is now five, my daughter's two, and they're black, white, and Asian.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_02: We gave birth to pandas.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: We call them Ling Ling and Sing Sing.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_02: And my last special, I talked about this when my son was born, because I didn't have a daughter at that time.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_02: When my son was born and the doctor handed me my son.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's crazy as a father because I knew I would die for him, right?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't even know this dude.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_02: He could be a terrible human being, but I would die for him, you know?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_02: But when they handed me my daughter, oh, it was different.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh, okay, okay.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: I would kill for you.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: I became a murderer overnight.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because the family dynamic to me is crazy.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like I would die for my son, I would kill for my daughter.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: But here's what's crazy: I wouldn't kill for my wife.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's not my job.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's her father's job.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to step on anybody's toes.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because I love both of my kids the same.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_02: But the love is in different directions.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_02: My son, I want him to be able to take care of himself, be strong.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: But I know for the rest of my life I'm going to protect my daughter.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_02: And what's the biggest threat to women?
• 18:15
  unknown: Men.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: Look at that.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_02: Men.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_02: So now I hate all men.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: I became a lesbian activist overnight.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: Slash murderer.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Ellen DeGeneres with a gun.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: Because every man's a threat to my daughter.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: Every single man eventually will be a threat to my daughter.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_02: I hate my son.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I hate my son.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_02: Because he's a threat to my daughter.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_02: We all have baby cams and watching my kids play.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter's playing with her little toy.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: My son walks over and grabs the toy from her.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_02: I get so angry, but then my daughter grabs it back, and I'm like, yeah, that's my baby girl.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_02: Take no man's crap.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_02: But then my son looks around to see if anybody's watching.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_02: Starts backing up where she is, and he hits her with his butt.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_02: And she falls to the ground and starts crying.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: I get so angry inside.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so mad.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: I want to fuck this little dude up, right?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_02: But I can't.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_02: He's only five, and it's not a fair fight.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_02: It's not a fair fight.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: All I can do is scream and lay, hey, you better stop that.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: And he runs off.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_02: But my daughter could hit my son with a brick in the face.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: I'd be like, hey girl.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_02: Good job.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: Good job.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because a daughter makes you a better man.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_02: It makes you more empathetic.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_02: You care about people.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_02: You get sensitive.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_02: I cry all the time now.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_02: All the time.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_02: I don't even know why my wife looks at me in disgust.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_02: I cry so much.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, why are you crying?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_02: I've never seen my dad cry once, but I cry all the time.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_02: And then it hit me.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: Every generation of father gets softer and softer and softer.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_02: It means things are getting easier.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: My black grandfather was born in 1902 in America, went through injustices you couldn't even imagine.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: My dad went through segregation, still got a PhD in nuclear physics, and had to march, had to march just to drink out of the same water fountains as everybody else.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: Me?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_02: I would never drink out of a fountain.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_02: That shit's disgusting.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: But my dad, man, I can't take him to the park because he has a drink out of every freaking fountain.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, you fought for this?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, I deserve this, son.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_02: I deserve it.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_02: Tell you, man.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going on six years of marriage, man.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_02: My parents, though, they just celebrated 48 years of marriage.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's something to clap about.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: So I asked my dad, I said, hey man, uh, you've been married 48 years.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: How'd you do it?
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_02: How do you stay married that long?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_02: My dad looks at me and goes, That's simple, son.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: Never say the first or second thing that pops into your head.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: You always say the third.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: I go, what's that mean?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, Well, the first thing you will get a divorce.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_02: The second thing, you are on the couch.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: But the third thing, happily ever after.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm six years in, I don't get it.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_02: Till about a month ago.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_02: Me and my wife were driving to Vegas.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_02: She packs a cooler of food for our two-year-old daughter.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_02: We get to Vegas, my wife opens up the cooler and goes, Oh my God, the food all mounted.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_02: I look in the cooler and notice she didn't put any ice in it.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_02: You ain't put any ice in a cooler.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_02: Now the first thing I thought was, that's the dumbest shit I ever heard in my life.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: But I didn't say the first thing, I didn't say the second thing, I said the third thing.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: I said, baby, I can't believe this cooler.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_02: So I kind of got off course.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: I was supposed to tell you why my parents never told me they loved me.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: So when I finally get well, it took me eight months, nine months to get well, right?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_02: So I went to my mom and dad and go, why didn't you tell me you love me?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I went to my mom first, she goes, Well, I'm Korean.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_02: So I do not say what is known.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_02: I speak by action.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: Then I look at my dad and he and he's stubborn and black and he goes, Well, if your mama ain't saying the shit, I ain't saying the shit either.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_02: But I got kids, man.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_02: I got kids.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_02: I tell them I love them every single day, multiple times a day.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: Because I don't want my kids to have that same story about me.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_02: But, but, my parents are now grandparents.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: And they're both over 70.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_02: You think they changed it for my kids?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking to my son the other day.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: He's five.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: Remember, he's only five.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, hey, buddy, you're the best.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_02: You are the best.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_02: My mom walks by and goes, uh, how you know he the best?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: Much too young to tell.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: Why you keep lying to him?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's the truth.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's the truth.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: This is what I gotta deal with, people.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_02: But that's the reason why I love my mom.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: She speaks her mind and she taught me that, and that's why I'm a stand-up comedian because of my mom.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_02: That's right, what truth tells.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: Because my mom, you know, she was an immigrant.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_02: She had me just a year after she moved here, right?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_02: There was no internet at that time.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't have books or friends to learn how to be a mom.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_02: She did her best while my dad worked all day.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_02: But now I'm learning things with my five-year-old son that my mom never taught me.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm learning nursery rhymes for the first time with my son.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_02: I just found out Mary didn't have a little ram.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: Now, if you don't like that joke, fuck you! My mom deserves that joke.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_02: She got so mad when she heard it, she was like, Why are you saying that?
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I go, Well, because it's a child, it's a chem.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_02: This is my son Oliver, my beautiful wife, Claire, and this is our daughter Link.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: Say hi, buddy.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, he's shy.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_02: Guys, thank you so much.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_02: We love you, and thank you for supporting me.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: I really appreciate it.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_02: Have a great night.