Latest / Here's to You / 057 - How to Build Your Own Creative Path w/ Fitz the Film Cowboy

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057 - How to Build Your Own Creative Path w/ Fitz the Film Cowboy · Here's to You

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  I need water. Water and welcome back to
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  another episode of Here's to You the Podcast brought to you by
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  one life spirits allied health training Career Center and today
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  Ana media providing us with the space so if you're tuning in on
• 2:45
  the YouTube and elsewhere where you can see us Spotify we yeah
• 2:52
  we are sitting in a space that is different from the usual I.
• 2:59
  Wouldn't know. You wouldn't know Well, for the
• 3:04
  people who watch us on YouTube and Spotify, because now we're
• 3:08
  doing them on video. Oh, I.
• 3:09
  Meant because I'm the first one here.
• 3:11
  No, Yeah, yeah, no, what I'm saying you would.
• 3:13
  The space is different now and it's going to be different for a
• 3:17
  while because A and a media, which we haven't done their full
• 3:22
  stuff yet, they have a full content creation space and a
• 3:27
  couple of locations for it. So anyways, this is going to be
• 3:31
  fun. We're still learning how to use
• 3:34
  the space. As you can tell.
• 3:37
  One day we'll get rid of this table, but not today.
• 3:42
  Yeah, when that happens, I'm going to buy a lottery ticket
• 3:46
  that same day. Yes, yes, yes.
• 3:50
  And I got rid of my laptop. I'm on notebook now so we'll see
• 3:55
  how this goes. OK, but back to the table.
• 3:58
  What do you think of the table? Do you like it?
• 4:00
  I mean, do you not? Me my well, my issue with the
• 4:04
  table is that we could like why? What's my issue with the table?
• 4:09
  Oh, what's my issue with the table?
• 4:14
  I think that other podcasts that don't have this in the way they
• 4:19
  look cool and and that's what I want see, like you look cool
• 4:24
  right now. You guys look cool.
• 4:26
  Yeah, Ish. Not as much as we really could,
• 4:32
  but who is this voice? Who is this person that we're
• 4:35
  hearing? Yeah.
• 4:36
  Let's let's introduce everybody to our guest sitting with us
• 4:41
  today. So we have this very special
• 4:43
  guest who who makes red and cigarettes and cowboy boots look
• 4:48
  cinematic. Her work is bold.
• 4:51
  It's intentional. She's a businesswoman, A
• 4:54
  storyteller, a film connoisseur. She's again, she shoots
• 5:01
  exclusively on film. We have the film Cowboy here.
• 5:04
  Hi, howdy. Howdy, you should say howdy,
• 5:07
  Howdy, howdy. No, it's because I didn't.
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  There we go. Howdy.
• 5:18
  Howdy, howdy. You're right.
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  You're. Oh yeah.
• 5:20
  Yeah, I see. What you.
• 5:21
  I'm going to be a little slow today probably.
• 5:24
  That's OK. And I'm going to say it's your
• 5:26
  fault. I'm kidding.
• 5:27
  It's not your fault. Yeah, we weren't ready.
• 5:30
  There's a lot of things. Have been blamed on me.
• 5:32
  This would not be the worst one. Fair, fair.
• 5:37
  Yeah. So Speaking of blaming, but not
• 5:40
  really blaming. And sometimes, sometimes I do
• 5:43
  well with these transitions and sometimes I don't.
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  But, you know, let's just kind of set the stage.
• 5:49
  So I know, yeah, I know that you were in LA 'cause you were out
• 5:53
  chasing your dream over there, and now you're in Wichita.
• 5:58
  You've been in Wichita for a while though now.
• 6:00
  I grew up here, yeah. But I mean, back, you've been
• 6:02
  back in Wichita for a while. Since 2024.
• 6:07
  OK, so actually not that while it.
• 6:09
  Feels like longer than it is, I'm sure.
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  OK, gotcha. For probably more than just me
• 6:15
  as well, so. Yeah, I know that feeling.
• 6:21
  I know that feeling. It's like, God damn it, she's
• 6:24
  back. Yes.
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  And she's loud. Yes.
• 6:27
  And I'm in your face. Yes, exactly.
• 6:30
  I'm sorry, but I'm not. It's, you know, at 35 it's hard
• 6:36
  to have a filter. Yeah, I think my issue is I've
• 6:39
  never had one. Good, good.
• 6:44
  I'm not very good at having it. There's too much pressure on
• 6:49
  women to have filters. There is, there's a lot of
• 6:51
  pressure on women to have filters and yeah.
• 6:55
  And then I mean, it's still in 2026.
• 6:57
  There's still a lot of pressure like.
• 6:59
  On women send tweet. Yeah, so.
• 7:04
  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:07
  It's come a long way. But also it's not, you know.
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  I do. You know what I'm saying?
• 7:12
  I do, yeah. Yeah.
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  But what? What were you all doing chasing
• 7:17
  in LA? Like, were you also doing film
• 7:19
  over there or what? I was, I was.
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  So I went out there. I'm like, should I just start
• 7:25
  with the background of how I got into this?
• 7:29
  I guess it all connects. I don't know, maybe it doesn't,
• 7:31
  but I've just always loved California.
• 7:35
  I've visited many, many times and I'll never forget the first
• 7:41
  time I went out there, probably really as like an adult, and it
• 7:45
  was right after I got fired from the law firm.
• 7:49
  I've done. Wait, what?
• 7:51
  You were in a law firm? Wait, what were you doing?
• 7:53
  Were you a? Lawyer.
• 7:54
  No, I actually started. I've done many things.
• 7:57
  OK, yeah, I want to know this. But yes, I actually started out
• 8:00
  as a runner, which was kind of fun because you know, you'd get
• 8:04
  to go over to the courthouse, get the documents signed and
• 8:07
  kind of shoot the shit with the judges.
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  And, you know, it was an interesting time and the
• 8:13
  courthouse was literally a block away.
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  So I would just walk even in the snow.
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  They're like, no, it's fine. You can just.
• 8:20
  Go over there. Wichita.
• 8:21
  OK, OK. I was thinking we're in
• 8:23
  California. No, but yeah.
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  So anyway, but yeah, but then I actually got promoted to like a
• 8:29
  legal assistant type ish position and that was a lot of
• 8:33
  fun because. Wait, what type of law?
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  It, well, actually they did all kinds, but the part that I was
• 8:40
  in was in family law, which was actually extremely fascinating.
• 8:45
  I have all kinds of stories, but it was a group of women and I
• 8:49
  worked for She was incredible. She was scary in in the
• 8:55
  courthouse. Like I would not want to be the
• 8:58
  lawyer on the other side of her. So she and she had many clients.
• 9:02
  But anyway, so yes, that was a different life.
• 9:05
  But I had just gotten fired from the law firm and I went out
• 9:08
  there for a trip. I'd actually I was supposed to
• 9:13
  go out there to see a woman. Yes, we had been on again.
• 9:19
  I know, I know. We had been on again off again.
• 9:22
  I love many years and a week before I went out there, she
• 9:28
  told me she was dating someone else.
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  Not only that, they had moved in together.
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  Wait, I hear lesbians move fast. Girl, yes, I like I've I've
• 9:37
  heard the stereotype Yeah, I'm here to say I'm.
• 9:41
  Right. Like I hear that it's pretty.
• 9:43
  Yes, yes. So I was like, well fuck.
• 9:46
  I mean, I already can, I cuss. Yeah, we cuss, dude.
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  We drink. OK, I was like, I probably
• 9:50
  already have, but anyway. So yeah, I was like, well, I
• 9:53
  already have my ticket so I'm going anyway.
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  So I went out there and yeah, we went out to Venice Beach and
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  just God, the feel of the ocean on my skin and like the wind and
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  I was just like, this is where I need to be.
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  This is where I need to be. And it took me 6 years to get
• 10:12
  there, but I finally moved to California and I went out there.
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  I actually had gotten a scholarship to a school, which
• 10:21
  was like kind of a big deal because I never did well in
• 10:25
  school. So I was like proud of that
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  fact. And of course, you know my
• 10:29
  Irish. Thank you, thank you.
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  Yes, it made my Irish Catholic father proud of me.
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  I'm. Sure.
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  Yeah, Thanks Dad. But anyway, so yeah, I went out
• 10:39
  there and finally got out there and I mean, it was truly an
• 10:43
  incredible time in my life. I lived in downtown LA, like
• 10:47
  right in the heart of it, and I was a probably like less than a
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  block from the metro station. And my best friend was living
• 10:57
  there at the time and she was also about a block away from the
• 11:00
  metro station. So we would just hop on, go see
• 11:02
  each other. But anyways, yes, I went out
• 11:05
  there to chase my dreams. And honestly, had my dad not
• 11:09
  gotten sick and passed away, I mean, I'd probably still be out
• 11:12
  there. So I just absolutely loved it
• 11:15
  out there. Yeah, yeah.
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  When did your dad pass away? In 2024, so he got sick right at
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  the beginning of 2024. And I was like, well, I mean, I,
• 11:25
  I just knew, I just knew I had to come back.
• 11:27
  And the original goal was like, I was married at the time.
• 11:31
  And so I brought my wife back with me and I was like, you
• 11:35
  know, let's see if we can prolong his life a little bit,
• 11:38
  help him with chores, do things around the house.
• 11:41
  And he just got so tired so quickly and he just looked at me
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  and was like, I'm, I'm, I'm ready.
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  So, but I'm grateful that he was able to make that decision
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  because, you know. That's tough and and also
• 11:55
  sometimes you don't always get it.
• 11:59
  Exactly, exactly. I, you know, my grandfather
• 12:03
  passed away just last December and it was very similar and we
• 12:08
  went through Hospice with both my father and my grandfather.
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  And, you know, say what you will about Hospice, I know it can be
• 12:16
  really fucked up. That's to be sad.
• 12:18
  About all healthcare, you know, No, I've gone through Hospice
• 12:22
  with my mom and my grandpa. I have not had bad.
• 12:25
  Experience I have not either. I think it also just, I think it
• 12:28
  really depends, but I I realize there is beauty and Hospice
• 12:33
  because it really does give you an opportunity to say goodbye to
• 12:36
  your loved ones that a lot of people do not get.
• 12:40
  Yeah, So, yeah. And I mean, I think are, are you
• 12:44
  saying the reason that some people shit on Hospice is
• 12:46
  probably because like bad. Experiences.
• 12:49
  Oh, OK. Or are you like with the?
• 12:51
  Nurses. Oh, or when they, you know, like
• 12:53
  when the patient or the client, maybe that's what they call them
• 12:57
  when the client takes patient, but there's a patient implies
• 13:01
  something else true, you know what I mean?
• 13:04
  Shit, what did they call my grandpa?
• 13:06
  Yeah, I don't even know what they call them.
• 13:08
  Oh God, yeah, it's all just a blur.
• 13:10
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't.
• 13:11
  You don't pay attention to those words at that moment.
• 13:14
  But no, you don't. I mean, you get the moment to
• 13:16
  say bye, but once they start taking the meds so that they, I
• 13:19
  mean, you're not going to talk to them anymore.
• 13:22
  Exactly. And so maybe that's why.
• 13:24
  Do you think that's why people will also shit on Hospice?
• 13:27
  Maybe. I mean, I feel like from what
• 13:29
  I've heard, it's definitely like bad experiences with like the
• 13:33
  Hospice itself or like nurses and things like that.
• 13:38
  And it's just, but again, you know, death in weddings, I
• 13:42
  always say they, they bring out the worst in people.
• 13:46
  So, and that's everyone. So you know the worst and the
• 13:50
  weird SO. But in weddings, that's funny.
• 13:56
  You know, it's it's true. It's like the two opposite ends
• 13:59
  of of life, I guess, you know, beginnings and ends, but that's
• 14:05
  a whole different story, yeah. So speaking a little bit about
• 14:10
  your dad, though, how would you say he influenced some of like
• 14:12
  the creativity or the way that you see the world?
• 14:14
  It sounds like you were really close with him.
• 14:17
  Pat O'Brien was a very fascinating man.
• 14:20
  He actually started the Saint Patrick's Day parade here.
• 14:23
  That still happens today. I.
• 14:26
  Didn't know that he owned a restaurant here in the 70s
• 14:29
  called Pat O'Brien's. That was the influence for
• 14:32
  O'Brien's guy that used, I don't know if he still owns Scotch and
• 14:37
  Sirloin, but the guy that used to own it opened that in kind of
• 14:43
  like, oh God, there was a whole article about it in the paper.
• 14:46
  It was a whole thing. Yeah.
• 14:47
  And you're like, whatever, It's not that important.
• 14:50
  It was a whole. Thing with dad when it opened,
• 14:52
  but yes, he was a very fascinating man.
• 14:55
  I mean, he was the kind of person you just, you could take
• 14:58
  him quite literally anywhere, even across the world, and he
• 15:02
  would run into someone that he knew.
• 15:06
  I'm not kidding. So yeah, he and he was a lot of
• 15:10
  fun. I mean, he just like God.
• 15:12
  One of my favorite stories about him is in the Poconos.
• 15:19
  There used to be this restaurant that had a giant aquarium in it,
• 15:26
  and of course the boys goes probably like in the 70s.
• 15:30
  You know, the best time to to be able.
• 15:32
  Well, it's always a good time to be a boy.
• 15:34
  But anyway, anyway be. Looking at them, yes.
• 15:39
  Yes. But in the 70s, I'm sure it was
• 15:42
  a hell of a lot of fucking fun. But anyway, so they went to
• 15:44
  this. They're already drunk and
• 15:47
  they're waiting in line and they're trying to talk to my dad
• 15:50
  and they turn around and he's not there.
• 15:53
  Like, well, where the fuck did he go?
• 15:55
  The next thing you know, they hear a giant splash and he has
• 15:58
  jumped into the aquarium. Oh my gosh, now has women
• 16:04
  dressed as mermaids. And so he's swimming over to
• 16:07
  them trying to get their little oxygen tank so he can breathe.
• 16:12
  And they're like, like, Oh my God.
• 16:15
  But anyway, the best part of the story?
• 16:16
  Really. Is like the next month someone
• 16:21
  went there one of their friends on business who couldn't make it
• 16:24
  to that trip and of course knew about what happened and so he
• 16:29
  asked his like waitress like has anyone ever jumped in the.
• 16:34
  Fish. Tank and they're like, you know
• 16:36
  what? Just last month.
• 16:39
  So anyway, he was a crazy, crazy guy.
• 16:42
  But yeah, he just, he was full of creativity and he just like
• 16:48
  if TikTok would have been a thing in the 70s, he would have
• 16:51
  popped the fuck off on it. Like get ready with me while I
• 16:55
  go source antique doorknobs for all of my doors.
• 16:58
  Like his house alone. His house, the house is amazing
• 17:02
  and I have been in it and wow it is so beautiful.
• 17:06
  I. Mean everything in there.
• 17:07
  He was such a fan of like organized clutter and everything
• 17:11
  had its place and themed room and like, Oh my God.
• 17:15
  So we're trying to do tribute to the house.
• 17:19
  But yes, it's just all that shit has literally been on the walls
• 17:23
  my whole life. So probably 30 to 40 years
• 17:27
  unchanged. Your studio though, is the
• 17:31
  studio yours. Yours.
• 17:32
  And like you decorated that, that wasn't your dad in.
• 17:35
  There. No.
• 17:36
  I think last time you were there my studio was still upstairs.
• 17:40
  Yeah, I was. And so I was taking people
• 17:42
  upstairs through my bedroom. Which?
• 17:45
  I got a whole sneak preview and then she got out the lingerie
• 17:48
  and I was like, girl, what type of fitting is this?
• 17:51
  Well, no, see, actually, that is exactly why I moved my thing
• 17:56
  downstairs because I'm like, is this making people, like,
• 17:59
  uncomfortable, like, having to walk through my bedroom and then
• 18:04
  like, you know, I'm gay. Yeah.
• 18:05
  So I approach things in a way that like, you know, I'm not
• 18:10
  trying to be like, a male fucking photographer.
• 18:13
  You know what I mean? Yeah, Yeah.
• 18:14
  Yeah. So like, I want to be very
• 18:15
  respectful of my clients. I don't want them to feel like
• 18:18
  I'm being creepy, you know, Like, that is a thing I think
• 18:21
  about as a lesbian photographer. So.
• 18:23
  Yeah, so yes, I moved my office now downstairs to the extra
• 18:28
  bedroom and I just finished getting it like all set up.
• 18:32
  My cowboy boots are on display. I can't wait to see it.
• 18:36
  You'll have to. You don't really post your
• 18:38
  studio. You should post your studio.
• 18:39
  I know I was. Thinking this like beautiful.
• 18:41
  An office reveal you should have like moved it.
• 18:45
  Yeah, yeah, the reason I was asking about her studio guys
• 18:48
  like at the house already is I mean it I I don't want to say
• 18:52
  clutter because it's not clutter, but I guess clutter,
• 18:54
  organized clutter. OK, yeah, but it it is very, I
• 18:58
  guess like what do what would someone say now?
• 19:00
  It's a maximalism. Yes, yeah, probably, yes.
• 19:04
  I think that's the word. Oh.
• 19:06
  God, yes. But I think I do like organized
• 19:08
  clutter better. Yes, I mean the.
• 19:11
  Giant those people. The giant naked lady in the
• 19:14
  captain's quarters alone. The bar area.
• 19:17
  The bar area is so cool. I mean, yeah, that that alone I
• 19:21
  think counts for maximalist. But yeah, she's she, she alone,
• 19:26
  truly. She's been up there since I was
• 19:28
  a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:30
  That's when the lesbian started. I mean, you know, it's like,
• 19:34
  dude, you got you're really questioned granny when I came
• 19:37
  out, they were actually very wonderful, but he did have that
• 19:40
  brief, you know, like, why are you gay?
• 19:43
  And it's like you really like got to ask like do.
• 19:47
  You see how you you made me? Dude, literally.
• 19:50
  So yeah, I love Written in the Stars.
• 19:55
  But anyway. Yeah.
• 19:57
  No, I love that. OK.
• 19:58
  So then you come back to Wichita and you have to restart, you
• 20:01
  have to rebrand, you have to rebuild?
• 20:02
  Everything, honestly, Yeah. You know, we thought about, and
• 20:05
  this is my now ex-wife, but we thought about selling the house
• 20:10
  or renting it out and going back to California.
• 20:13
  But my daughter's in high school and I was like, I think that'd
• 20:16
  be a fun time to hang around. Granted, she loves high school,
• 20:19
  so she's having a totally different high school experience
• 20:22
  than I did, but I'm grateful for that because.
• 20:26
  But I also went to Bishop Carroll, so.
• 20:29
  I don't know. I mean, I know people that went
• 20:31
  there. Insert a wah wah wah.
• 20:34
  Wah wah, wah wah, I don't Bishop Carol.
• 20:37
  Bishop Carol is that it's a Catholic school.
• 20:41
  Yes. Yes, yes.
• 20:42
  OK, I remember now. OK, Yeah.
• 20:45
  So fuck up. Yes, I grew up going to church 4
• 20:50
  times a week my entire life until I was 18 years old and.
• 20:55
  Now where are you at? I am very anti religion,
• 21:00
  organized religion. I believe in faith.
• 21:04
  I'm so like have your faith that's great.
• 21:07
  But organized religion is terrifying to me.
• 21:11
  And I feel like Catholicism, they're like the ringleaders.
• 21:15
  Like it's culty as fuck but damn the aesthetic.
• 21:18
  No, the aesthetic is hot. They know.
• 21:22
  They know how to get people like us.
• 21:24
  They popped off with this. They did.
• 21:26
  I mean, it's very gothic. I mean, like, how could I not
• 21:29
  fall in love with it? It's just beautiful.
• 21:31
  Yes, it's beautiful. Yeah.
• 21:34
  So yeah, that's how I feel. Yeah, no, I it's fine.
• 21:37
  Yeah. I mean, yeah, Pop Off says do
• 21:40
  what you want. I'm not going to tell you how to
• 21:42
  live your life. I do at this point do what I
• 21:45
  want. Yeah, as you should.
• 21:47
  As you should. I was looking over at the time,
• 21:49
  but I can't see it. There was a lot of things that
• 21:51
  we messed up on. What the hell happened to that
• 21:54
  thing? Wow, man, it's so much.
• 21:59
  Oh, you put it in. Yeah, we did that secretly.
• 22:04
  That's what she said, that's what she said.
• 22:05
  Bullshit. Fuck it, we're going to keep
• 22:06
  going then, because now I don't have to worry about that.
• 22:09
  Fuck it, we ball. Yeah.
• 22:12
  Is that a Gen. Z say?
• 22:13
  I think that's why I was like, I don't know.
• 22:17
  No, I think that's a millennial thing.
• 22:19
  Oh well, I am. Yeah.
• 22:20
  Yeah, we're millennials. Yeah, fucking we ball.
• 22:25
  Fucking we ball there more confidence at.
• 22:27
  Times, yeah, yeah, yeah. It had to be with confidence.
• 22:29
  It had to be with confidence. That makes a big difference.
• 22:32
  So, you know, let's talk about your brand a bit.
• 22:34
  Let's talk let's. And like, why all this is always
• 22:37
  here? Yes.
• 22:39
  As you can tell, there's already some product placement.
• 22:42
  You're good. I didn't even notice that.
• 22:46
  So yeah. What does red mean to you?
• 22:49
  God red is my favorite color. It is so beautiful and rich and
• 22:55
  vibrant, especially on film. I think it really started
• 22:59
  becoming my favorite color last year.
• 23:01
  And I think that's probably like a big part of it.
• 23:04
  My camera bag is like a vintage like train case traveler bag and
• 23:09
  it was my mother's and it's red and it's just like a real well,
• 23:12
  you've seen it. It's a great color of red.
• 23:15
  And so I just, I really fell in love with it this year.
• 23:17
  And I think partly just like from photographing it, it just
• 23:21
  it photographs so well. So I'm always like, I make a
• 23:27
  joke that like when your favorite color is red but you
• 23:31
  voted blue. Yeah.
• 23:35
  Just so people know where I stand on that.
• 23:38
  Yeah, but I mean, it was kind of obvious she's lesbian.
• 23:41
  Well, I don't know. There's some I know that be
• 23:43
  voting for Trump, dude, I, I know, I know there's also
• 23:46
  Latinos for Trump, but there's Asians for Trump.
• 23:50
  Yeah, I just got cold anyway. Everybody for everybody.
• 23:56
  You're right. You're right, yeah.
• 23:57
  Yes. We do have to clarify.
• 24:00
  I like, I like people to know where I stand.
• 24:03
  So yes. But yeah, I just, I really,
• 24:05
  really, really love the color red.
• 24:07
  And there are certain things like that I love to constantly
• 24:12
  place in my photographs. Red is one of them.
• 24:15
  Of course, cigarettes is 1000%. Another part of that is yes, I
• 24:20
  am a true smoker. I have smoked cigarettes for 10,
• 24:23
  10 years and I love it. Yeah, I fucking love it.
• 24:29
  But also, I love it. I'm addicted, in other words.
• 24:33
  In other words, this is amazing and I'm never quitting.
• 24:36
  Marvel, if you're watching this, please dear God, sponsor me.
• 24:40
  No, at this point, yeah, at this point, please sponsor, please.
• 24:46
  They're in every shot. Honestly, like I'll just take
• 24:49
  photos for you guys. Like please, anything hit me up
• 24:53
  that would I never like, I don't think that ever clicked until
• 24:57
  now, but that's definitely now officially on my work bucket
• 25:01
  list. Like I've got to connect with
• 25:03
  them somehow. Yeah, I'm keeping Big Tobacco
• 25:06
  1000% in business. All single handedly.
• 25:12
  Probably handedly. Probably.
• 25:14
  I mean, I bought an entire carton of cigarettes just to
• 25:16
  make a bouquet for my trashy Miss USA shoe.
• 25:20
  I. Love it.
• 25:22
  I made a pageant bouquet and then I just stuck a bunch of
• 25:25
  cigarettes in it. Yeah, and I made a fake one on
• 25:28
  purpose so that way I could keep it and display it.
• 25:31
  And of course it is in my house and I'm very proud of.
• 25:34
  It yeah, yeah. So when you took it back apart,
• 25:37
  did you smoke the cigarettes? Oh, I didn't take it apart.
• 25:41
  So do you smoke the cigarettes? Oh God no.
• 25:43
  OK. But I don't smoke that kind.
• 25:46
  Because that's why you were smart.
• 25:47
  You were smart about it. Oh, right, right, right, right,
• 25:50
  right, right. I forgot.
• 25:51
  Yeah, so. I wait, so you're kind of faking
• 25:55
  'cause then it's kind of, it's kind of like this color.
• 25:58
  No, it's that color, the ones that you smoke.
• 26:00
  I don't even have. Yeah, they're these.
• 26:02
  Yeah, yeah. So why?
• 26:04
  Why not switch it out 'cause of the red?
• 26:06
  Well, I started with these 'cause that's how everyone gets
• 26:09
  into cigarettes, you know, you bomb someone's while you're
• 26:12
  drinking. Yeah.
• 26:13
  And then eventually you just bought your own pack and you
• 26:16
  show up to the party and you're like, I bought my own pack of
• 26:18
  cigarettes. And then it just all goes
• 26:22
  downhill from there, or uphill for me because again, I really
• 26:25
  enjoy smoking. So, yeah, yeah.
• 26:28
  Yeah. But yes I did used to smoke Reds
• 26:31
  but I just I really like menthols and call me gross but
• 26:36
  they're fucking good. I don't know anything about
• 26:38
  them, but you have your Cruella Deville stick and that thing's
• 26:41
  cool. I do because again, I just I'm
• 26:44
  so busy I do not have time to have stinky hands.
• 26:47
  Yeah, nobody wants stinky hands. Yeah, sometimes.
• 26:50
  Sometimes I feel like an asshole because like with hamburgers, I
• 26:54
  want to cut them because and like with I know, but hold on, I
• 26:59
  don't, I don't like, I don't like how my hands smell after
• 27:03
  the hamburger. You know what I mean?
• 27:05
  Like it is just so penetrating. I literally so I literally would
• 27:08
  like. Waltz yesterday, which is like
• 27:11
  an old man hamburger bar. And they were all eating them
• 27:15
  with forks. OK.
• 27:16
  You're good. Maybe I need to go hang out with
• 27:18
  the old man, I said. I said that and then I was like.
• 27:22
  Maybe not like how that sounded. Well, it'd be old white men, so
• 27:25
  proceed with caution. But yes.
• 27:27
  Yeah, I don't like how that sounded.
• 27:29
  You're like, never mind. Back up, back up.
• 27:32
  I don't want that. I don't want that.
• 27:33
  No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah.
• 27:35
  But yeah, even with a fork. Yeah, OK, fuck it, right?
• 27:39
  Yeah, we, we have film and we have cigarettes out on every of
• 27:43
  the pics. So why not?
• 27:46
  Yeah. So tell us about your brand.
• 27:48
  Tell us about like how you started it.
• 27:49
  Like what? How you developed it?
• 27:51
  Gosh, you know, OK, I think branding is really, really
• 27:55
  important, which is also why I think I've been like really
• 28:00
  focusing a lot more on branding shoots lately because finding
• 28:03
  your brand, literally your brand.
• 28:07
  One that is not curated, one that is yours, one that speaks
• 28:11
  to you, one that is your true personality, not someone elses
• 28:16
  personality. I think makes a big difference.
• 28:20
  You have to truly be authentic in your brand and that's what I
• 28:24
  am. I literally smoke cigarettes
• 28:26
  even if it's not the Reds. You know I I wear cowboy boots
• 28:30
  every day. This is not for.
• 28:32
  Show I have. Pictures of me as a child like
• 28:34
  I've been cowboy booting it up forever.
• 28:38
  So this is like truly who I am. You know, I love cowboy boots.
• 28:43
  I love cigarettes. I love headscarfs.
• 28:46
  Like, I love putting them on. You know, it's kind of like the
• 28:49
  the cigarettes, like it's another thing that I like to
• 28:52
  kind of put, yeah. That's a good prop.
• 28:54
  I did that with our first shoe. We did, yeah.
• 28:57
  I love that scarf Headscarf. But yeah, so I, I mean,
• 29:00
  honestly, I don't think I really came into my brand until 2025.
• 29:07
  God, I've had a million different handles on Instagram,
• 29:11
  as one does, because, you know, you think of business names and
• 29:14
  it's like, OK, this is fine for now.
• 29:16
  But like, I didn't think of the film Cowboy until right before I
• 29:22
  went to California because I was really trying to think of
• 29:25
  something that made sense for me.
• 29:29
  You know, I didn't want it to be just my name.
• 29:32
  And also, at the time, I wasn't going by Fitz.
• 29:35
  I was still going by Mary Kate or MK.
• 29:39
  So it was just like, it was all a process.
• 29:41
  And so I was like, well, who are you?
• 29:44
  Like, you know, and at that point I already knew moving to
• 29:48
  Lai was scrapping digital. Like you used to be digital.
• 29:52
  Yes, when I started in 2020, my dad gifted me a digital camera
• 29:57
  so I could go out there, do all this stuff myself.
• 30:01
  And I enjoyed it. So I enjoyed being behind the
• 30:05
  camera, but something just wasn't clicking.
• 30:09
  And so then my friend Lindsay, who is an amazing film
• 30:13
  photographer, she gifted me a film camera and I just took one
• 30:17
  along randomly to a session and, you know, took photos as I
• 30:22
  normally would. And when I got the photos back,
• 30:24
  I was like, yeah, no, I mean, it just was like a light bulb
• 30:31
  moment. It was like this, this is it.
• 30:34
  And so I still did continue to shoot digital and film for a
• 30:38
  while, and it was exhausting. But when I moved to California,
• 30:41
  I was like, no, this is like, I do not want to do this.
• 30:44
  So why am I doing it? Because again, in the Goodyear
• 30:48
  of 20252026, whatever fucking year it is, I'm not doing shit I
• 30:53
  don't want to do anymore. Yeah.
• 30:55
  So. I scrapped that and yeah, I've
• 30:58
  just been film ever since. So I was like, OK, you you shoot
• 31:01
  film, you're a cowboy. Like the film cowboy.
• 31:05
  Yeah, of course it was taken. Was was it?
• 31:10
  It was. It was.
• 31:11
  But you haven't right now. I have it now.
• 31:13
  There's a story behind this. Yeah, yeah.
• 31:15
  So you tracked this person down and you held him like I'm point?
• 31:18
  Basically, yeah, Basically, how did you find them?
• 31:20
  So I reached out to them because I was like, OK, if this is
• 31:23
  already taken, I need to go check out this account.
• 31:25
  Like, is this a big account? Like whatever.
• 31:28
  It really wasn't. They didn't post that often.
• 31:30
  So I did message them and I was like, look like I'll pay you for
• 31:35
  this. Oh shit.
• 31:36
  Yeah, like this. I know in my heart of hearts
• 31:39
  this is my brand. I will pay you literally
• 31:44
  whatever you want. Yeah, like I offered the guy
• 31:48
  $500. I was like, I will pay you
• 31:50
  $500.00 for this handle. And he's like, well, I do not
• 31:53
  know, like what I'm doing with it yet.
• 31:56
  So honestly, the whole time I was in California, I was
• 31:59
  actually the film Cowboy with two wives.
• 32:02
  Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And then I think right before I
• 32:06
  moved back or either right after, it was sometime around
• 32:10
  then he messaged me shout out Mikey.
• 32:14
  And he was like, hey, do you want this?
• 32:17
  And I was like, I'll still pay you for it like I offered.
• 32:20
  That's fair and square. And he's like, I'll just give it
• 32:22
  to you. Wow, yeah.
• 32:23
  Yes, yes. And so I had to wait a whole
• 32:26
  month because I had to like wait for Oh my God, my trigger points
• 32:30
  keep going off. I had to wait for like Instagram
• 32:34
  to like make it available or something.
• 32:36
  But I literally set an alarm or like a calendar event.
• 32:39
  I guess it would be on my phone and the next day I got it and I
• 32:44
  was like ever since. So ever since I've been the film
• 32:47
  cowboy one. Why?
• 32:49
  I love it and I'll never change it because I just know that's
• 32:52
  who I am. Yeah.
• 32:53
  And actually I was going to ask that question like you know how
• 32:56
  branding it, it's really hard to like, I'm not saying that we're
• 33:00
  fully there yet. To some degree, I think we kind
• 33:02
  of are. There's a lot of things like
• 33:04
  that are that are there. We're embracing a lot of both.
• 33:07
  We have a lot of fun things that we're going to announce, but
• 33:10
  that'll be on the handles because I don't remember what
• 33:13
  day this comes. I think the day that this comes
• 33:15
  out, it's going to be after. So it's not even worth
• 33:17
  mentioning here. But like, you know, with
• 33:22
  branding, like, you know, any advice for people who like rush
• 33:26
  into branding and making these choices, but like without
• 33:28
  knowing themselves or any just advice into that?
• 33:31
  Because to your point, we're kind of almost like how do you
• 33:34
  almost get branding to where you're not experimenting for
• 33:37
  approval, You know what I mean? Yes, to make it authented,
• 33:41
  authentic and not curated. Yeah, yeah.
• 33:45
  I think it's really easy, especially as a woman, to do
• 33:53
  stuff that looks cute, that is in trend, that is in style.
• 34:00
  This is a terrible example. I'm also not calling anyone out
• 34:03
  hair salons, A lot of them look like on the inside.
• 34:07
  So when I walk into one that has essence, that has a vibe, I'm
• 34:11
  like, OK, you know yourself as a company, you're figuring
• 34:16
  yourself out as a business. Like you know what you want to
• 34:19
  attract. And I just, I think that that's
• 34:22
  really important. And so like, and it does, it
• 34:26
  takes time because like God, I'm trying to think when I first
• 34:30
  started, I mean, I probably, well, everyone's known forever
• 34:33
  that I've always been a smoker. And you know, again, I've always
• 34:36
  worn the cowboy boots, but I never had a thing, you know, and
• 34:41
  you got to have a thing. And so whatever that is, you
• 34:44
  have to pull it from the depths of your soul, your personal
• 34:48
  life, whatever, and put that into your business because they
• 34:54
  have to connect. You know, I just it.
• 34:57
  Does that make sense? Well, yeah, 'cause I think like
• 34:59
  some people will think of like, you know, I'm a different person
• 35:02
  when I'm in business and I'm, I'm somebody else when I'm
• 35:06
  outside. Like who I am on business is a
• 35:08
  different person. And it's like, you know, I think
• 35:11
  we all as humans fall into that trap.
• 35:13
  And I'm calling it a trap because I think it's a trap.
• 35:15
  How how hard of a thing it is to be one thing at one place and
• 35:21
  then turn that off and go be something else at another place.
• 35:24
  Exactly. And for me, that was a trap too.
• 35:26
  You know, like you get into this like, well, I have to be
• 35:28
  perceived as this way and I want people to think of me in this
• 35:31
  way or it's and now it's more of like, this is who I am.
• 35:34
  Like wherever I work, I'm unfiltered wherever I work and
• 35:40
  wherever I'm friends with someone like or not or whatever
• 35:43
  type of relationship I'm, I'm in again, like work relationship,
• 35:47
  friend relationship, whatever, right?
• 35:48
  Like all those, That's what when I say that term, I'm
• 35:51
  encompassing everything. I'm the same shit.
• 35:56
  Yeah, you're going to get the same me at work or not because
• 36:01
  like truthfully, like I just at this point I couldn't imagine
• 36:04
  how exhausting it would be to do both.
• 36:07
  And I do have respect for people that do because I.
• 36:10
  Know how to. Yes.
• 36:12
  And I know in some cases you have to, yeah.
• 36:15
  Maybe like our celebrities. You know, I was thinking
• 36:19
  something a lot more intense, like, you know, like you can't
• 36:22
  be gay at work or something like that.
• 36:24
  But yes, yes, yes. I mean.
• 36:26
  In Kansas, I think it's, isn't it?
• 36:28
  You can still get fired, probably.
• 36:30
  I don't know. Am I lying?
• 36:36
  Oh, OK, what? But maybe I am lying?
• 36:40
  I don't know. Maybe that's a Google?
• 36:41
  Yeah. Google Fact Check.
• 36:44
  Yeah, there was. There was a thing for a while,
• 36:46
  but I don't even know now. Sorry.
• 36:50
  Hold on. Well, not even necessarily in
• 36:52
  work, sometimes even in family life, people feel like they
• 36:55
  can't be themselves. That's true.
• 36:58
  That's true, yeah. I mean, it is such a yeah.
• 37:01
  And it is such a hard thing for someone to finally feel the
• 37:03
  confidence to do that. And, and I don't, and when I say
• 37:09
  confidence, like that's not a slight on anyone, you know,
• 37:11
  cause a lot of times, like, I think someone can feel that way.
• 37:14
  Like it'll be like, oh, well, you think I'm, you know, it
• 37:17
  almost feels like an insult. And it's like, no, it's like
• 37:21
  just human, you know, we all go through it.
• 37:24
  We all go through it. Oh.
• 37:25
  So God, I just, I really hate the word confidence because I
• 37:29
  think there's so much pressure behind it regardless of what
• 37:35
  like context you're using it in. And it's really just like, it's
• 37:40
  about fucking strength. Yeah, it is.
• 37:43
  Yeah. It's about like there's there's
• 37:44
  bravery in it. There's a lot of things in it.
• 37:46
  And again, you're not calling someone not that, but like the
• 37:49
  strength of the struggle to get there.
• 37:51
  I think that's what it is, right.
• 37:52
  Like a lot of times, like we think of the term confident and
• 37:55
  it's a different again, it can feel defense.
• 37:58
  It can like, it can feel like an insult if you don't have it.
• 38:01
  And, and it's like, but we're all, we all go through that at
• 38:06
  some point and we're and we're still going through that.
• 38:08
  It's just at a different level. Absolutely.
• 38:12
  And that also, I mean, and tying that back, back into branding,
• 38:15
  like when you are finding yourself.
• 38:18
  And I think that's also, you know, I'm 35 years old.
• 38:21
  So again, doing this all at 20, like there's no possible fucking
• 38:26
  way because you don't even know yourself at 20 years old.
• 38:30
  Granted, I don't know myself. I'm going to continue each
• 38:33
  decade learning and learning. But like, God, your 30s are so
• 38:36
  much different than your 20s. And so like, I just think, you
• 38:40
  know, for any, you know, young people out there like trying to
• 38:44
  start a business and like still figuring out who they are, you
• 38:48
  got to do that first. You have to do that first,
• 38:52
  because otherwise. They're just gravitating towards
• 38:55
  the trends. You're going to, you're just
• 38:57
  grasping at straws. You're just grasping at straws.
• 39:01
  And so like, you know, it took me a while to get here because
• 39:05
  it took me a while to find myself and figure out who the
• 39:07
  fuck I was or who I want to be. Yeah, and so I just think, you
• 39:13
  know, that's important. If you love books, bring that
• 39:17
  into your branding somehow, you know, like this.
• 39:19
  Like you know you guys, you love the drink.
• 39:22
  So for your branding session we got the coasters and it's just
• 39:25
  it takes 1 little detail at a time and it takes years
• 39:31
  sometimes. Like I started this in 2020 and
• 39:34
  I just now in 2025. I mean, like, truly, let's think
• 39:38
  about that. Like, I started this in 2020 and
• 39:41
  just now in 2025 figured out my brand.
• 39:45
  It is not easy. It is not quick.
• 39:49
  Yeah, it takes time. And if you figure it out right
• 39:52
  away, run with it. I mean, seriously, run with it.
• 39:55
  And always trust your fucking gut.
• 39:58
  Always. Speaking of guts, I want a drink
• 40:02
  in my gut. Let's.
• 40:04
  Put fun in there. Was that?
• 40:06
  Was that a good transition? I liked it.
• 40:08
  That was a good transition. I liked it.
• 40:11
  Let's we'll continue with this conversation.
• 40:13
  OK. Yeah, Yes, my business cards.
• 40:31
  Have you been wanting to get into the medical field for your
• 40:33
  career? I know before our podcast career
• 40:35
  started taking off, I had thought about it.
• 40:37
  I think I'd be a good pharmacy technician.
• 40:40
  I think you have a lot of transferable skills for that for
• 40:42
  sure. Me too.
• 40:43
  So if you want to get your CNA, CMA, LPN, EKG.
• 40:48
  ABC. Our prod sponsor, Allied Health
• 40:51
  has got you covered. They have a career training
• 40:53
  center where they offer in person and hybrid classes for
• 40:58
  you so if you need. Convenient classes.
• 41:00
  Covered. Financial assistance.
• 41:02
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  Covered. Advising.
• 41:06
  It's all covered. We'll reach out to our people at
• 41:09
  allied.health@alliedhealthcaretraining.com and get to where you want to be
• 41:14
  in your medical career. Cheers.
• 41:23
  And welcome back in from The Rake here.
• 41:25
  We've got segment #2 in your ears and we've got the drinks in
• 41:29
  our hands and about to be in our mouths.
• 41:34
  What do we make fits today? We made fits the film Cowboy
• 41:38
  Highball. Her version is a mocktail
• 41:42
  version, but our versions are supported by One Line Spirits,
• 41:47
  and we were able to use their Lebon whiskey for this.
• 41:51
  Fitz, I know that you used to drink whiskey.
• 41:53
  Oh, girl. And that's why we made the high
• 41:56
  box. But a version of it that you
• 41:58
  could drink today. I appreciate it.
• 42:00
  I actually made this honey syrup myself, too.
• 42:05
  Yeah, I Yeah. So.
• 42:09
  So next next to my blueberry tree and my watermelon.
• 42:15
  You have a blueberry tree? Yeah.
• 42:19
  And an orange. Tree and an orange tree and and
• 42:24
  a watermelon patch. There's bees next to my shed.
• 42:30
  And so I went to the bees and I was like.
• 42:33
  Yeah, she has one of those white suits that you got to wear when
• 42:36
  you're please. Tell me you're not kidding.
• 42:41
  If you're fucking with me right now, I'd be so mad.
• 42:44
  Why, If we don't have one, you better fucking get.
• 42:47
  One why would we ever fuck with you like because.
• 42:48
  We're taking pictures of you and OK.
• 42:52
  So, yeah, I told the bees if they would like, I was like
• 42:55
  bees, please have let me have some of your honey.
• 42:57
  And they were like for you, anything honey.
• 43:00
  That was so, lady. I.
• 43:02
  Loved it and then I got honey, so I made the honey, but we just
• 43:08
  added some lemon lime soda because he used to just like,
• 43:10
  what was it, whiskey and Sprite. Whiskey and Sprite, commonly it
• 43:14
  would. It was called a horse feather
• 43:16
  and so commonly they're made with ginger ale, but a lot of
• 43:21
  places just put Sprite in them. So yeah.
• 43:23
  But girl, I could also just drink it from the bottle so.
• 43:27
  So cheers. Tell us what it was like.
• 43:29
  Tell us what it OK. Tell us if it's good or not.
• 43:36
  Yes. No.
• 43:37
  Does it? I mean, it doesn't taste like
• 43:39
  mine, doesn't taste like alcohol.
• 43:40
  Did I switch it? Wouldn't be the first time.
• 43:46
  Or maybe I am that good. I forgot the jigger today.
• 43:49
  That is what it is called the jigger.
• 43:51
  And well, I forgot it. And so Corey was like, you can
• 43:56
  you're you can Wingate, just eyeball it.
• 43:59
  So we're all getting fucked up today.
• 44:02
  Well. It's always dangerous when you
• 44:04
  can't taste it. Can you taste it?
• 44:08
  I don't think so. You can't taste it.
• 44:11
  Bye bye. So anyways, you're going to
• 44:16
  interview us now. I'd be glad.
• 44:18
  To I'd be glad to. It's delicious.
• 44:23
  Thank you. It definitely reminds me of the
• 44:27
  old days. The old days.
• 44:29
  How long have you been sober for?
• 44:31
  Officially, officially five years.
• 44:33
  Wow. So probably, yeah, around the
• 44:36
  time that I started doing photography, so.
• 44:39
  But. Whiskey really wasn't ever the
• 44:41
  issue. It was cocaine.
• 44:51
  I love you God. I wouldn't.
• 44:53
  Don't even need to drink to do it.
• 44:55
  Oh God, her. I really do.
• 44:57
  And I, I, I'm proud to admit that.
• 44:59
  Like, yeah, shit is tough. And.
• 45:02
  Get out here, man. If someone offered me a line
• 45:05
  right now, I'd probably fucking do it because it's just like, I
• 45:08
  miss it, you know what I mean? But realistically, no, no.
• 45:18
  That's a good one. I lost.
• 45:22
  I lost my composure. OK, keep going.
• 45:24
  But anyway, yes, so yes, I, it really cocaine was the issue,
• 45:28
  but I realized like I kind of got a because I, I honestly
• 45:32
  started just being sober from coke and I was like, well, this
• 45:35
  isn't going to cut it because like I drink and obviously I'm
• 45:39
  associating this in my mind. Like now I want to go yeah,
• 45:42
  yeah, yeah. Do a bunch of lines, do a bunch
• 45:44
  of cigarettes so you have the cigarettes sounds so good.
• 45:52
  And it is and it is okay. I've heard, I've heard they're a
• 45:55
  very toxic, no, not toxic, a very complimentary duo.
• 45:59
  I've heard they're a complimentary.
• 46:00
  Duo. That's why I don't drink coffee.
• 46:02
  I've never had it. And people, well, honestly, it
• 46:06
  started just because like. Me.
• 46:09
  Oh, I'm only offended about the coffee, but not the line of
• 46:11
  coffee. What?
• 46:13
  I just for some reason I had never had it and then by the
• 46:16
  time I thought about it, I had already started smoking
• 46:18
  cigarettes and now it's like. Cigarettes.
• 46:23
  Exactly that and girl I don't need.
• 46:26
  Oh shit, gotcha gotcha. I don't.
• 46:27
  Need to replace cocaine with coffee because realistically
• 46:30
  that's probably what's going to happen.
• 46:33
  That's a good point. I see what you're saying.
• 46:35
  I see what you're saying too. I get it.
• 46:37
  I get the parallel. I get the complimentary.
• 46:40
  Morning, your morning. You're just sitting out on the
• 46:42
  porch with your cup puffing away, and then everything hits
• 46:48
  your stomach. Or your line of coke.
• 46:51
  And it's a great morning. It's a great morning, No Anyway,
• 46:58
  so yes, I'm. Pushing all this.
• 47:04
  Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
• 47:10
  Oh shit, I love it. Damn, my mornings are boring.
• 47:13
  You think I have to step it up? And then I got here 2026, I got
• 47:17
  to step it up. I got to, I got to stop rolling
• 47:20
  out of bed last minute because I'm trying to wait till the
• 47:22
  last. So I work from home and it's
• 47:26
  good. It's good for a while, but like
• 47:29
  you need to have really good discipline.
• 47:31
  But once for me, once I fall off of my track, it's so hard to get
• 47:35
  it's. So.
• 47:35
  Hard. It's hard 'cause like I have to
• 47:37
  hard. Start happening to new habits
• 47:40
  develop. Yes, yes.
• 47:42
  It's so hard to break the habit. And so I've developed the other
• 47:46
  habit where it's like, what's the longest I can possibly wait
• 47:49
  before I have to get up and walk over to my office and I don't
• 47:53
  really need to be on count. Oh my God, my boss.
• 47:55
  No, my boss. Don't listen to me.
• 47:56
  She don't give a fuck. No, I'm kidding.
• 47:57
  She's cool. To.
• 48:00
  Do that's why I'm not on camera the first meeting unless I run
• 48:08
  it. Well.
• 48:09
  Now she knows. I'm pretty sure she knows that I
• 48:12
  suck. No, she knows I suck on
• 48:13
  mornings. Everybody knows that I suck on
• 48:15
  mornings. It's the brand, right?
• 48:18
  The brand is that I suck on mornings.
• 48:20
  There you go. Yeah.
• 48:20
  And everybody in my old job also knew they were like, oh, you're
• 48:25
  trying to get an 8830 in the morning meeting with honey?
• 48:29
  I don't think so. And that's 830.
• 48:31
  Some people. This job, I had to run a
• 48:33
  workshop at 7:30 in the morning, 6:30 this time, and I did it.
• 48:38
  OK, you're right. I'm talking too long.
• 48:42
  OK, that's just. Time going by as you're trying
• 48:45
  to make sense of time in the morning.
• 48:48
  Actually, this is all the time with you, but it's called a time
• 48:53
  blindness. Oh, that was the sound.
• 48:56
  No, it's what the actual you're blind to time.
• 49:02
  You be like blank to places because you're like, oh, I got
• 49:07
  30 minutes. And then like 45 minutes later
• 49:11
  when you're, you know, then, yeah.
• 49:15
  I. Know that's what I was about to
• 49:17
  say is everybody don't give my friends more ammo I've been
• 49:20
  tested I've been tested for ADHD.
• 49:24
  I definitely have the anxiety and depression but I've been.
• 49:27
  Testing a woman. So yeah, yeah, but I've been
• 49:30
  tested for ADHD and I don't have it and I don't want to get
• 49:32
  retested. You might be autistic girl.
• 49:36
  Damn it, stop it. Anyways, back to you.
• 49:42
  Why don't we feel? Why do I only shoot film?
• 49:45
  Yeah. I just, I never, I think it kind
• 49:50
  of ties back into like when I first started, like if I were
• 49:55
  going to shoot digital, I would want to do the like full blown
• 50:02
  fucking editing, you know what I mean?
• 50:05
  And I'm just like, first of all, I don't have time for.
• 50:07
  That that's true. Second of all, I am autistic so
• 50:11
  figuring out all of that edit like it's just no no thank you I
• 50:15
  don't want to do it so that. I mean, I can admit that I do
• 50:18
  not want to learn how to edit, but also, why edit film?
• 50:25
  Yeah, that's kind of the point. I mean, you can.
• 50:29
  I'm not saying that you can't film.
• 50:31
  Bros, don't come at me. Yeah, I love.
• 50:34
  I love how that was the only part that was like wait wait
• 50:36
  wait, the line of Coke is cool, come at me for that.
• 50:39
  Come at me for the for loving red but voting blue.
• 50:42
  Come at me for that. Anything.
• 50:43
  But but I mean don't. Yeah, but like, not the film
• 50:46
  stuff. Oh, God, those are scary.
• 50:51
  But no, anyway, so yeah, I just, I, I hated it.
• 50:55
  I absolutely hated it. And also the stuff that I was
• 50:58
  doing because of course, sure, when I started, like I was just
• 51:02
  doing like, yeah, sure, I'll go take your picture.
• 51:04
  We'll do portraits. I wasn't putting in the work
• 51:08
  that I am now in the sense. Where it's like.
• 51:12
  Let's style this, let's be creative director, let's do set
• 51:16
  design if we have to. And that's also why I started
• 51:20
  taking pictures, because I was already doing all of that
• 51:23
  before. And then it occurred to me,
• 51:24
  like, why are you coming up with these big projects and then not
• 51:28
  just like taking the fucking pictures yourself Again, it
• 51:34
  takes time. It takes time to figure out what
• 51:38
  you want to do, like where you want to go.
• 51:41
  So yeah, I just, I started with the digital, hated it.
• 51:45
  And then like I said before, like I, I just started taking my
• 51:48
  film cameras, random shoots and I was like, I really like this.
• 51:54
  I immediately fell in love with the grain and all of the little
• 51:59
  details and the imperfections And it just, I was like, this is
• 52:05
  what I want to learn. I don't want to spend my time
• 52:08
  learning Photoshop. I want to learn how to master my
• 52:11
  film camera. Oh.
• 52:13
  You know. I love that more though because
• 52:16
  I mean, I'm, I'm pretty digital and a lot of things I work in
• 52:19
  digital. I respect it so much, no.
• 52:21
  But what I'm trying to say is like, I think I, I'm more on the
• 52:25
  art side that I love to feel it. So I struggle with it sometimes.
• 52:29
  Like I, I've learned it, I've learned the tools.
• 52:32
  There's still so much more I can learn on it, but I struggle with
• 52:35
  it too because I am always like, but I can't feel it.
• 52:38
  So I have a laptop and I have an iPad because on my iPad I can
• 52:41
  use my pencil. And then I bought, I bought like
• 52:43
  the cover of my iPad is it feels like paper because like I need
• 52:49
  to feel it. I get it.
• 52:51
  There is something about it in your hand.
• 52:53
  There's something about you being able to like or, you know,
• 52:56
  I look at how. You're doing work system.
• 52:58
  I mean, I literally just have a whole work journal.
• 53:00
  I found one that has like a little table of contents at the
• 53:03
  beginning so I can keep track. And it's just like, it's just
• 53:08
  all there. Everything's written down.
• 53:10
  My planner. Everything starts with sticky
• 53:12
  notes. Because as you can see, this is
• 53:15
  an insane schedule. I mean, there's just like tons
• 53:19
  of stuff in here. So it all starts with sticky
• 53:22
  notes and then later it gets written down when if it actually
• 53:28
  happened because I am not scratching out a bunch of shit
• 53:32
  in my planner. It's confusing.
• 53:34
  Oh, that's smart. It's confusing.
• 53:35
  Oh, I love that approach. OK, Can I hold it?
• 53:39
  Hell yeah, you can. This is heavy.
• 53:41
  It's heavy. And This is why it's no, no, no
• 53:45
  shade on this, but like I go back and forth a lot.
• 53:47
  Like at work, I'll use OneNote, but then I also use my my
• 53:50
  things. This is my favorite, favorite
• 53:53
  type of notebook. And they're I'm not sponsored.
• 53:56
  They should sponsor me but but like OK so like.
• 53:59
  Everyone has a favorite. Yeah, so like this is cool.
• 54:02
  This is line. I can't do line.
• 54:05
  That's fair. Line.
• 54:05
  Line will make me anxious. I love this because it's stop,
• 54:10
  but hold on. It's stop.
• 54:12
  And then it's circles and then it's circles.
• 54:16
  Yeah, yeah. And then it's graphing.
• 54:21
  I'm not going to graph, I'm going to fucking graph.
• 54:23
  But I want it. And then so anyways, it just
• 54:26
  changes. And then hold on these little
• 54:28
  red, I'm running out. My engineer grandfather would
• 54:33
  have loved. The snow, so it has like random
• 54:36
  facts right here it's telling me temperatures and the length of
• 54:42
  them and the volume. And then I have another one in
• 54:44
  here that tells me about perspective.
• 54:46
  And then this one is like a. Map a map.
• 54:51
  You might need it, who knows? I just love it because it's just
• 54:54
  random and it's yeah, like this is about perspective and I just
• 54:59
  love it because. You do.
• 55:02
  That's all that matters. Yeah, so they have different
• 55:04
  versions like this one. I forgot which version this one
• 55:07
  was, but they have one that's all about color and then they
• 55:09
  have one that is about ecosystem.
• 55:13
  So like it's the facts are about multiple things.
• 55:17
  I forgot what the red one is. But anyways, I'm almost done
• 55:20
  with that notebook. I love a good notebook.
• 55:22
  So anyways, I don't do a planner anymore because it's in my head,
• 55:25
  but I need to go back to it, it's not in my head.
• 55:28
  Ain't nothing in my head. It's.
• 55:30
  Not in my head. And then if anything, it's
• 55:33
  making me anxious, as you can tell because I'm speaking
• 55:36
  faster. Planner sticky note system.
• 55:38
  I I like that idea. I really like that planner in
• 55:44
  sticky notes. I already lost my notes for
• 55:46
  this. I was saying that I switched
• 55:49
  from laptop. Oh yeah, it goes back to this
• 55:51
  too. Yeah, I found them.
• 55:57
  So, OK, it's like a Monday. It does.
• 55:59
  It does. I'm sorry.
• 56:01
  So. What did I say?
• 56:02
  Oh shit, I have to. Leave now because I told her if
• 56:06
  she apologized to me one more time I was leaving.
• 56:09
  So this podcast is over. Good luck leaving out of there,
• 56:13
  you're going to trip over everything.
• 56:14
  Oh God. I will.
• 56:18
  Yeah, yeah. Oh God, wait, what was the
• 56:22
  question? Yeah.
• 56:23
  My question was going to be about walking us through your
• 56:26
  process, OK. Like if someone is reaching out
• 56:30
  to you to get started, like kind of walk us through that whole
• 56:34
  process. OK, so basically, I mean, I'm
• 56:39
  definitely down to do, you know, people can come to me with
• 56:42
  ideas, things that they want to bring to life.
• 56:45
  You know, if it's a picture on Pinterest that's been
• 56:49
  recirculated a million times, but they're very incredibly
• 56:53
  insistent. I'll, I'll put my own spin on
• 56:55
  it. You know, if you're going to
• 56:56
  reheat someone's nachos, at least put on fresh toppings.
• 57:02
  Fair fair and make sure you air fry them.
• 57:05
  Yes. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly
• 57:11
  each other. Yes, so I mean, but most of the
• 57:16
  time, like I do have so many ideas and so many things that I
• 57:20
  want to bring to life. And also a lot of the times when
• 57:26
  people come to me, even if they happen in front of the camera,
• 57:30
  they don't necessarily know what they want to do.
• 57:32
  You know, they just want to be in front of the camera.
• 57:35
  They just want a fun experience. And so like, if I'm already
• 57:38
  doing, you know, XYZI might as well do a through whatever the
• 57:44
  fuck that gets me there. So someone, if they want to book
• 57:48
  with me, they know for sure for sure they want to book with me.
• 57:50
  You know, I'll book their session 1st and then I'll
• 57:55
  backtrack and book the fitting anywhere from like 2 to six
• 58:00
  weeks out, sometimes longer depending on what.
• 58:03
  But I like to give myself enough time in between so I have time
• 58:08
  to prep. The fittings are something I
• 58:11
  have been doing for forever. It's, it's one of those things
• 58:17
  it's kind of non negotiable for me.
• 58:19
  You know, even before I started doing film, I was doing the
• 58:22
  fittings because, you know, a lot of the times you have these
• 58:26
  great pictures and the outfits are just fucking ugly like they
• 58:30
  are. Yeah, guys, style better.
• 58:32
  No one. Or exactly that, a maternity
• 58:36
  fucking session. This is the perfect example.
• 58:38
  Oh, everybody uses the same lingerie type of white dress,
• 58:42
  but I've seen it care. About that, it's that she looks
• 58:44
  amazing and then he's just fucking there because he
• 58:47
  literally just rolled out of God damn bed or whatever is in the
• 58:52
  closet and that drives me nuts. I am very particular about
• 58:57
  wardrobe. I would say more than anything,
• 58:59
  like if I'm looking for a red dress and the client has a red
• 59:03
  dress, you know, we're going to we're going to source what we
• 59:08
  need because it has to look exactly a certain way.
• 59:12
  And I do feel why that's also why it like kind of ties back
• 59:16
  into my brand and my brand feels authentic because the stuff that
• 59:20
  I'm doing or trying to recreate or bring out bring to life, you
• 59:26
  know, it's exactly as I see it. No.
• 59:29
  And that might be controlling. No, but I think it's your, it
• 59:33
  goes back to your brand. I just have a vision.
• 59:36
  You have the. Vision and you know how to
• 59:37
  execute it. Thank you, I think that's what I
• 59:40
  do. You know that's what it is.
• 59:42
  Again, it takes years of figuring that out because when I
• 59:46
  first started, I was not as good with like prop placement and
• 59:49
  things like that. That takes time you that takes
• 59:52
  being behind the camera, that takes doing it again and again
• 59:56
  and again. And even now I'll get stuff back
• 59:58
  and I'm like, God, I wish I would have done this or I wish I
• 1:00:01
  would have done this. And of course, you know, we're
• 1:00:03
  always like hard on ourselves, but it's just, it's constantly
• 1:00:07
  like, you know, learning. Yeah, you know.
• 1:00:10
  And so anyway, so I also just really like doing the fittings
• 1:00:13
  because. It gives me a great opportunity
• 1:00:16
  to meet clients beforehand, which I think is super.
• 1:00:19
  That's true. Yeah, because you show up here.
• 1:00:23
  Here's how a typical photography session goes.
• 1:00:26
  Yeah, photographer reaches out to client.
• 1:00:29
  Especially if it's just like a quick model thing, you know,
• 1:00:34
  Photographer reaches out to client, says hey, do you have
• 1:00:37
  anything you want to recreate? Or even if it's the
• 1:00:39
  photographer's idea, they expect the models to come up with the
• 1:00:42
  clothes. If the models don't have them,
• 1:00:44
  they expect them to buy the fucking clothes.
• 1:00:47
  They've never met. So then they're also meeting for
• 1:00:49
  the first time 5 minutes before they're supposed to start
• 1:00:52
  shooting. Like it's a fucking mess.
• 1:00:54
  Yeah, it's a mess. So the shoot gives us or the
• 1:00:58
  fitting, I guess gives us time to meet each other to really
• 1:01:02
  focus on, you know, what we want to do, locking down the concept,
• 1:01:07
  going over wardrobe and my feelings don't get hurt easy.
• 1:01:10
  So I tell clients all the time, if you fucking hate this, like
• 1:01:12
  just let me know. And you know, like when I'm
• 1:01:15
  starting to source also in like multiple options, like for
• 1:01:19
  clothes or whatever, let's say. But anyway, so yes, I will.
• 1:01:24
  I will bring them in for fitting.
• 1:01:27
  Most of the time, like pretty much 99% of the time, I will try
• 1:01:31
  and already have a couple ideas in mind and be like, OK, here's
• 1:01:34
  what I want to do. Yeah, here's what I'm thinking
• 1:01:37
  you'll wear if I already have. So most of the time the shoe,
• 1:01:42
  like the location itself comes last because to me, like wallet
• 1:01:47
  is important. All these other details are so
• 1:01:51
  much more important. Storytelling is so important,
• 1:01:55
  especially if you're trying to do editorial portrait concept
• 1:02:00
  photography. You have to know how to tell a
• 1:02:04
  story and how your model is, what they are wearing, the
• 1:02:08
  props, the location, the lighting, everything that is in
• 1:02:11
  that. Photo.
• 1:02:14
  No. Absolutely everything that's in
• 1:02:17
  that photo fucking matters and it tells a story and that's why
• 1:02:20
  so many photos look flat, whether they're edited to
• 1:02:25
  oblivion or not, you know, And again, that takes time.
• 1:02:29
  You have to figure out how to get there, how to place things.
• 1:02:32
  But, and this is really like also me just being very opity
• 1:02:36
  about it as well, like because I just have a very like I say I'm
• 1:02:41
  a big concept, like a kind of concept photographer.
• 1:02:45
  I used to say editorial, but it's like it didn't feel like it
• 1:02:50
  really hit, if that made sense. I mean, it's still on my
• 1:02:54
  business card, but it's just storytelling.
• 1:02:57
  I don't know, it's just so important.
• 1:02:59
  And then of course, like the things that I use to tell that
• 1:03:02
  story, you know, some of those, like I had mentioned before, are
• 1:03:05
  things that I use again and again because not only am I
• 1:03:09
  trying to tell a story about my client, I'm trying to tell a
• 1:03:13
  story about myself because that's how I saw myself as a
• 1:03:16
  photographer. For sure, yeah.
• 1:03:19
  And then also being authentic to that, yeah.
• 1:03:22
  And that's so, so important. And you know, like, I just, it's
• 1:03:28
  like my dad's house, for example.
• 1:03:30
  It is cool because it was authentic.
• 1:03:33
  And it was him. He did not curate any of that.
• 1:03:36
  He did not say, hey, let me go buy this fucking naked lady that
• 1:03:40
  used to literally be hanging off of the ship because it looks
• 1:03:43
  cool. He fucking just wanted it.
• 1:03:45
  Yeah. And so he bought it and he put
• 1:03:48
  it up in his house. And so I just like, I think it's
• 1:03:50
  very easy, especially nowadays and especially with women, we
• 1:03:54
  feel like we need to curate, curate, curate, especially with
• 1:03:56
  Instagram, you know, and like putting ourselves out there and
• 1:04:00
  trying to make sure that social media brings in more clients and
• 1:04:04
  et cetera. And it's like, OK, let me curate
• 1:04:06
  this to like, what's cute right now, you know?
• 1:04:11
  And that's fine, if that's who you really are.
• 1:04:14
  That's true, because I think that's the other thing is like,
• 1:04:16
  if you are somebody who loves the trend for the, the fun of
• 1:04:20
  it, the the, the sexiness of it, the even like the fact that you
• 1:04:24
  know, it's fleeting, but you don't have to commit to it.
• 1:04:27
  Like I think that's beautiful too.
• 1:04:28
  And, and not again, all of these words sometimes have negative
• 1:04:30
  connotations to them, but they're not negative.
• 1:04:32
  I agree. They can be exciting and it's OK
• 1:04:35
  to be excited and own that. That's OK.
• 1:04:37
  Yes, like own it, it's fine. I think it comes down again to
• 1:04:41
  who you are, what you like, what you don't and like it's like, I
• 1:04:45
  know I like this. Like I was talking to a friend
• 1:04:48
  of mine about this. It's like, man, I I see all the
• 1:04:50
  trends and I think like, oh, we can do that on the pod or we can
• 1:04:53
  talk about this. And then I'm always like, but I
• 1:04:55
  feel so forced and I don't and every time I do I'm like, that's
• 1:04:58
  just not me. Like I tried I.
• 1:05:00
  Try and then it's like and it'll look for us, yeah, no matter if
• 1:05:04
  it's a podcast. Or a picture, yeah.
• 1:05:07
  It's going to look forced if it just doesn't all come together
• 1:05:11
  if your model doesn't feel comfortable.
• 1:05:14
  So, yeah, I, I do these fittings and then in those fittings,
• 1:05:18
  typically I will then leave the clothes with me, all the
• 1:05:24
  clothes, props, everything stays in my house because I will then
• 1:05:27
  bring it all the day of the shoot.
• 1:05:30
  Because I again, as you're all finding out, I'm very picky and
• 1:05:35
  also I don't trust anybody. Yeah.
• 1:05:36
  And not in the. Sense that they're going to
• 1:05:38
  steal stuff. That's the.
• 1:05:39
  Control. I don't trust you to remember to
• 1:05:42
  bring what you need to do when you already have to make
• 1:05:44
  yourself look pretty. You know what I mean?
• 1:05:45
  Yeah. Yeah, You know what I mean?
• 1:05:47
  So cuz, like when you, when we did that first shoot, remember I
• 1:05:50
  had offered. I was like, yeah, leave the
• 1:05:52
  dress. And I was like, no.
• 1:05:54
  Yes, and you did remember it. You were, you were a very good
• 1:05:57
  girl. But it happened.
• 1:05:59
  It happens all the time. People forget stuff.
• 1:06:01
  And it's not true though, because like you're rushing like
• 1:06:04
  the second shoot for the brand, I was like, obviously I was
• 1:06:08
  rushing. Hey, I'm like.
• 1:06:10
  I was like Oh my God, the. Jewelry and I forgot.
• 1:06:13
  You know what? I.
• 1:06:13
  Mean and I've already had it, yeah.
• 1:06:15
  And that would have been helpful, but I wear the jewelry
• 1:06:17
  a lot so I couldn't. It's it is one of those things,
• 1:06:20
  but yeah, stuff that it's like if you don't.
• 1:06:22
  But that's true every. Day it's like just leave it here
• 1:06:25
  just. Leave it here.
• 1:06:26
  And that's a good point. And I'll bring it day of.
• 1:06:28
  And you know, especially like if I have to order stuff, I'm going
• 1:06:31
  to order it. It's going to go to my house,
• 1:06:33
  even if the client is paying for it.
• 1:06:36
  For example, like if we're doing a branding session and you have
• 1:06:39
  models and all of your models are wearing stuff that I need to
• 1:06:43
  source, I'm sending it all to my house because they all then need
• 1:06:48
  to come to me and try it on for a fitting.
• 1:06:51
  Because that is, first of all, that's how fittings work in any
• 1:06:57
  state in any industry. But also just because that is
• 1:07:01
  how I work after doing this for five years, you know, you figure
• 1:07:05
  out what works, what doesn't. And these fittings are just such
• 1:07:09
  an integral, integral, integral, integral, integral.
• 1:07:15
  Thank you. They're an integral part of my
• 1:07:18
  whole process. Yeah.
• 1:07:19
  Because, yeah, without them, they're.
• 1:07:21
  It's just chaos. Yeah, it's just chaos.
• 1:07:24
  And so then, you know, I'll be like a session day.
• 1:07:26
  We'll meet at my house. We'll get you all dressed up,
• 1:07:29
  and then we can ride together and we'll go.
• 1:07:32
  But basically also, it's not also just control.
• 1:07:36
  I mean, OK, sure it is. But you're like, well, I am.
• 1:07:40
  What can I do to make this easier on the client?
• 1:07:45
  And realistically, that's easier on the client if all the client
• 1:07:49
  has to do is show the fuck up for a fitting and show the fuck
• 1:07:53
  up for a session. Are you kidding me?
• 1:07:56
  I don't have you mean I don't have to think of the concept.
• 1:07:58
  I don't have to figure out my clothes.
• 1:08:00
  You're going to do all that for me.
• 1:08:02
  It's just way easier. No, that's true.
• 1:08:05
  Yeah. It's just way easier.
• 1:08:07
  Yeah. One other thing that I wanted to
• 1:08:11
  talk about of like, you know, not necessarily controlling, but
• 1:08:14
  it was about like knowing like who you are, knowing how to be,
• 1:08:17
  who, you know, you know, be there for yourself.
• 1:08:20
  Like I think you also have to navigate this space in maybe
• 1:08:26
  with some things that are not very fun, it's maybe some past
• 1:08:32
  trauma or you know, how do you protect yourself?
• 1:08:35
  How do you protect your creativity in that space?
• 1:08:38
  How do you protect your business in that?
• 1:08:40
  Or like, is it protecting or you know, like how do you navigate
• 1:08:43
  that? That's hard.
• 1:08:44
  That is a question I will probably always be asking.
• 1:08:50
  The only time I did not have to ask myself that question was
• 1:08:53
  when I lived in LA. Right.
• 1:08:56
  Because, you know, I didn't. Proximity, yes, proximity,
• 1:08:59
  exactly. So I was not in the same place.
• 1:09:02
  But you know, being in the same industry as your abuser
• 1:09:05
  definitely has its setbacks. So, you know, and especially now
• 1:09:11
  as I'm getting more into like, event photography and branding
• 1:09:15
  and which is stuff that I've wanted to do all along, but it's
• 1:09:18
  like I do have to ask, like, because most of the time, I
• 1:09:23
  think 95% of the time when someone approaches me, they
• 1:09:26
  already know I'm not shooting digital because I try and make
• 1:09:29
  that very clear absolutely everywhere.
• 1:09:31
  So I'm like, OK, I assume, you know, I'm just shooting films.
• 1:09:34
  So are you hiring, like digital photographer for this event?
• 1:09:38
  If so, who is it? Yeah, yeah.
• 1:09:44
  Because I might change my answer on whether or not I'm coming.
• 1:09:49
  Yeah. So that has been because, and
• 1:09:51
  it's embarrassing because a, you feel like a child.
• 1:09:54
  But then also it's like, you know, people write it off as
• 1:09:58
  like drama. And it's like, I'm not trying to
• 1:10:00
  start drama. I just don't want to be in the
• 1:10:02
  same room as this person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:10:05
  I mean which? I think is fucking fair, yeah,
• 1:10:07
  after what I went through. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:10:09
  So yeah, I mean, I think it goes goes back to like in, in the
• 1:10:13
  same way it's almost like the whole like platform stuff, like
• 1:10:16
  something we we look up our guests.
• 1:10:19
  Yes. You know, and it's like we got
• 1:10:21
  to make sure now that we're also doing good by that.
• 1:10:24
  Yes, absolutely. Because that's important too.
• 1:10:28
  Yeah, I get it. But yeah, it's just it is tough.
• 1:10:32
  And when that person is also vitally known in the community
• 1:10:38
  and they have worked with people that you love and it wasn't
• 1:10:43
  anything out of spite or hey, out of that person that loves
• 1:10:47
  you back, you know, they just maybe didn't know where you
• 1:10:50
  became friends after, you know, whatever.
• 1:10:53
  Because a lot of people know the story, but also a lot of people
• 1:10:56
  don't. And also a lot of people might
• 1:10:58
  believe her. You know that there's fifty
• 1:11:01
  sides to every story. Realistically, there's three.
• 1:11:03
  But you know, things get spread around and things get
• 1:11:07
  misconstrued and it's like, what is the truth?
• 1:11:10
  And so, you know, I, I do have to worry about that because I
• 1:11:15
  know that there are places where my name is tarnished because of
• 1:11:20
  this, you know, and I'm sure vice.
• 1:11:23
  Versa or. Yeah, I mean, maybe.
• 1:11:26
  Yeah, for people. Who for people?
• 1:11:28
  Who? Yes.
• 1:11:30
  Yes, yes, yes, exactly. So, yeah, it's it is really
• 1:11:36
  tough figuring out how to navigate that space and go about
• 1:11:41
  it because you just really do want to do your own thing.
• 1:11:44
  Yeah. And this person has followed my
• 1:11:49
  career to AT honestly, since I started modeling.
• 1:11:56
  I started modeling, they started modeling, I started doing
• 1:11:59
  wardrobe styling, they started doing wardrobe styling, set
• 1:12:03
  design, creative direction. So when I got my camera, I
• 1:12:08
  literally said to my best friend, I was like, within a
• 1:12:10
  year, yeah, I guarantee it. And I was right.
• 1:12:13
  I was right. So it's just like, you know,
• 1:12:16
  it's really hard when you know, And OK, let me also just be the
• 1:12:23
  first to fucking say there has not been an original thought
• 1:12:28
  since the dawn of fucking time. OK?
• 1:12:30
  Like, I get it. Yeah, I get it.
• 1:12:32
  And that also goes back to like, reheating people's nachos and
• 1:12:35
  whatever. But like when you are trying to
• 1:12:39
  be your own person and figure out yourself in your 20s and
• 1:12:43
  like, you know, you're in this toxic and abusive relationship
• 1:12:48
  and this person is like almost kind of becoming you, It's very
• 1:12:54
  overwhelming. And it kind of, I mean that that
• 1:12:57
  also is probably why I didn't figure out until, you know, my
• 1:13:00
  30s, who the fuck I am because I ended up in psych after that
• 1:13:05
  relationship. So, you know, it wasn't just
• 1:13:08
  like la di da ha ha like and typical lesbian drama, like real
• 1:13:13
  fucking shit went down. And so it's just like, and
• 1:13:18
  granted, I mean, it's crazy to think it was like probably
• 1:13:22
  almost 10 years ago. And it's something that I still
• 1:13:25
  have to deal with just because we are in the same industry and
• 1:13:29
  the same spaces. And there really is no good way
• 1:13:35
  to navigate it. And I wish that I, you know, had
• 1:13:38
  advice for other people on how to do that, but I don't because
• 1:13:42
  I'm still figuring it out for myself.
• 1:13:44
  Yeah, Yeah. I think I think like to your
• 1:13:48
  point, I mean like it's all retriggering because like when
• 1:13:51
  you've been through some traumatic experience and you're
• 1:13:54
  constantly back into that proximity, into that same space,
• 1:13:57
  it's retriggering. It is.
• 1:13:59
  And as many times as I guess to some degree you can get more
• 1:14:02
  reps in and at some point you it never goes away.
• 1:14:06
  You just learn the right, the right way.
• 1:14:09
  You want to say something of like whether or not you work in
• 1:14:12
  that with that specific client or not, right?
• 1:14:17
  You learn the, the words that you want to say to express yes,
• 1:14:22
  no, but it doesn't go away. No, I mean you're constantly
• 1:14:25
  triggered because that's how trauma works.
• 1:14:27
  Well, and yeah, again, back to proximity, like you said.
• 1:14:30
  I mean, it was a lot different when I lived in California.
• 1:14:33
  Yeah, even if she was publishing poetry books about me.
• 1:14:37
  So, you know, But yeah, when I, when it first happened, I mean,
• 1:14:41
  I used to speak on it a lot more because obviously it was fresh
• 1:14:44
  and, you know, I, I said their names a lot more.
• 1:14:47
  But now it is tough because like, yeah, we're in the same
• 1:14:51
  space and people are like, oh, I had no idea.
• 1:14:55
  But even if they do, it doesn't matter.
• 1:14:58
  And that's the fucking nasty part.
• 1:15:01
  People move weird. You know, I posted the last time
• 1:15:04
  I actually, I actually spoke on this back in 2025.
• 1:15:08
  Like that was years ago. So last year, a couple of months
• 1:15:11
  ago, we're 26. Yes I posted about it on my
• 1:15:14
  story and I said name and I was like this is my ex I do not want
• 1:15:18
  to like please you know because it like that week alone I had
• 1:15:23
  like 3 people asked me to shoot events in which she was going to
• 1:15:27
  be involved in somehow. So anyway I posted that
• 1:15:32
  whatever. A local photographer saw the
• 1:15:35
  story 2 weeks later, went and took pictures of her.
• 1:15:41
  Like just, that's fucking moving weird.
• 1:15:43
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're watching this,
• 1:15:46
  you're moving, you're moving fucking weird, but you're also
• 1:15:51
  not moving weird about just that either.
• 1:15:53
  So. But that's a whole different
• 1:15:55
  story. So regardless, it's just
• 1:15:57
  there's, there's really, there's no right or wrong way, you know?
• 1:16:02
  And I think it also just depends on like, how comfortable, you
• 1:16:05
  know, a lot of people don't want to speak out about their trauma.
• 1:16:08
  They want to hold it down deep inside.
• 1:16:10
  They want to forget about it. And that's fair.
• 1:16:12
  Yeah. But because we are yes in
• 1:16:15
  proximity, I do. Still have?
• 1:16:16
  You're retarded. Yeah.
• 1:16:18
  Yes, it's tough. Yeah.
• 1:16:19
  And. People are like, can't you just.
• 1:16:20
  Yeah, exactly. Can't you just get over it?
• 1:16:22
  And it's like, well, no. Yeah, Like, yes, but also no.
• 1:16:25
  Yeah, we're talking trauma, which is different, yes.
• 1:16:28
  Then like cheating. It's not that simple.
• 1:16:34
  Exactly. Unfortunately.
• 1:16:37
  Exactly. Yeah.
• 1:16:38
  It's like, that's why I'm on the meds.
• 1:16:39
  Thank you, Meds. Thank you, Big Pharma.
• 1:16:52
  So now though, like what would you say success looks like for
• 1:16:55
  the film cowboy? I think success is, I think it's
• 1:17:02
  going to look different each year.
• 1:17:05
  And I think that's a good thing because I think that that means
• 1:17:08
  that my goals and my wants are constantly evolving.
• 1:17:11
  Like, what was it just an hour ago?
• 1:17:13
  I decided like, OK, now one of my goals is, let's see, it's 26,
• 1:17:18
  so God, yeah. But OK, so I'm making a goal
• 1:17:21
  right now. By 20/20/30 I would like to have
• 1:17:25
  worked with marble in some AH. Yes, we're speaking it.
• 1:17:28
  We're speaking it into existence.
• 1:17:30
  We're manifesting it here on the pod.
• 1:17:32
  We said we were, oh, actually I can say this.
• 1:17:34
  We said we were going to do events and we're going to do
• 1:17:36
  events now. So there it is.
• 1:17:38
  Everything that's set on here, it's manifested.
• 1:17:41
  It's amplified because it's through sound waves.
• 1:17:43
  I mean, everything that we say is sound waves, but now it's
• 1:17:45
  more sound waves, right? Is that like triple threat?
• 1:17:47
  Yeah. We're going to make 2,000,000.
• 1:17:49
  Yeah, the next 5. Years.
• 1:17:50
  We're going to make 2 million in the next five years.
• 1:17:54
  This is what? Happened.
• 1:17:57
  This is like this is like fuck. You're me doing my stripper
• 1:18:00
  club. I don't have my pleasers on, so
• 1:18:01
  I can't do that. OK.
• 1:18:05
  I was a sex worker for many years.
• 1:18:08
  Yeah. And I was a dancer.
• 1:18:10
  So I I'm not just saying stuff. Yes.
• 1:18:13
  I didn't know that. Girl, I told you I had many
• 1:18:16
  lives. Yes, I was an escort.
• 1:18:18
  Even what the fuck? I don't know if this is time to
• 1:18:21
  go to Lightning yet or we can add some of those questions in
• 1:18:23
  the I. Heard those clips and I was like
• 1:18:26
  why does that sound so familiar? Dusty was a frequent patron at a
• 1:18:31
  time. I don't know if you what was the
• 1:18:34
  last time it is it's I love this strip club.
• 1:18:38
  It's been a long time since he's been, I feel.
• 1:18:40
  I do a couple of. Years for sure.
• 1:18:42
  I've only ever been to a couple nice ones.
• 1:18:44
  I hate it when I walk in and I'm like, do I want to sit in that
• 1:18:48
  share? Is that a fucking buffet?
• 1:18:50
  Yeah. A strip club.
• 1:18:53
  Yeah, that sounds gross in the. Morning.
• 1:18:55
  I'm not eating out of a fucking buffet in the Strip.
• 1:18:57
  Club No. Some of them have like Magic
• 1:19:01
  City down there. They've got good wings,
• 1:19:02
  apparently. Yeah, no, in California the
• 1:19:07
  strip club food is. It's good.
• 1:19:09
  It's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good.
• 1:19:12
  The beer is colder. I wouldn't know I was sober when
• 1:19:16
  I lived in California, unfortunately.
• 1:19:18
  And they want you to stick around and, you know, spend more
• 1:19:20
  money, just like a casino. Yes, Jesse used to like carry
• 1:19:25
  his his ones in a little bag and you would be like hold on to
• 1:19:28
  these. You love that.
• 1:19:30
  Well, Emily, hold on to them because she's a good, she's an
• 1:19:32
  MVP. Like hold my money.
• 1:19:35
  We love you, Emily. Yes.
• 1:19:36
  And you just have a bunch of ones who's like, whoa.
• 1:19:40
  Yeah, we love sex workers in this house.
• 1:19:42
  Yes, Sir. What made you get into that
• 1:19:46
  money? I'm kidding.
• 1:19:47
  No, God, yeah. What else would it be?
• 1:19:49
  OK, Yeah. There's only two reasons people
• 1:19:51
  get into sex work. The number one being money #2
• 1:19:55
  being circumstance and mine, which circumcised money.
• 1:20:01
  You know, I. So I'm disabled.
• 1:20:03
  I have a chronic pain disease and.
• 1:20:06
  This was right before I got into, like, photography and knew
• 1:20:11
  that that's what I wanted to do. And so, yeah, I was like, how
• 1:20:14
  can I make money real quick? And it was like, Oh yeah, I can
• 1:20:17
  sell my body and. It was perfect.
• 1:20:21
  It had its moments. Honestly, I I did have a lot of
• 1:20:24
  fun. I'm really, I gotta admit, I had
• 1:20:26
  a lot of fun. How long?
• 1:20:27
  How long do you do it for? How'd you get into that?
• 1:20:31
  I'm like, do or you're like, hey, I'm looking to start at the
• 1:20:35
  club. Oh.
• 1:20:36
  God, so I was actually a private dancer.
• 1:20:39
  I did not dance at the club, I was a private dancer.
• 1:20:42
  But this? This is also why Pleasers, which
• 1:20:45
  is the appropriate name for stripper heels.
• 1:20:47
  This is why Pleasers often make appearances in my shoots as
• 1:20:52
  well, because it's an ode to my sex works life.
• 1:20:56
  I wore them for. You, you did my red one.
• 1:20:59
  Yay, yes you did. And they looked great on.
• 1:21:04
  We're going to have to put some blur effect on those feet picks.
• 1:21:08
  You got to pay for them. That's how we're getting to the
• 1:21:10
  2 million. Trust me, you could make 2
• 1:21:16
  million all beat picks. Wait, so OK, yeah.
• 1:21:20
  How do you, you know, like everyone jokes about it.
• 1:21:22
  Everyone's like, well, shit, might as well be a stripper then
• 1:21:24
  if I need to make some money real quick.
• 1:21:25
  But like, how do you like go and like actually do it?
• 1:21:28
  Do you go to the club and you're just like hey.
• 1:21:30
  I mean, I think if you wanted to get into it that way, yeah.
• 1:21:33
  And I mean, the strip clubs are a lot like ballet in the sense
• 1:21:40
  that it's very. So you have your principal
• 1:21:42
  dancers, right, which are like the main dancers.
• 1:21:46
  Oh God, if Annika, if you're watching this, please don't get
• 1:21:50
  mad at me for comparing strip clubs to ballet.
• 1:21:55
  But there, there is a hierarchy, OK, and strip clubs.
• 1:21:59
  So if you go in, you have to expect that the girls that have
• 1:22:02
  been there a while are probably going to look at you sideways
• 1:22:05
  because are you coming in to do this for 5 minutes or are you
• 1:22:09
  coming in to do this for real? Gotcha.
• 1:22:12
  That makes sense. No, that makes sense cuz.
• 1:22:13
  Like, which honestly is to be said of any industry.
• 1:22:16
  Podcast photography. Yeah, stripping.
• 1:22:18
  True, true. About it or not?
• 1:22:20
  Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
• 1:22:21
  Are you really about it or not? That's facts.
• 1:22:23
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:22:25
  How long did you do it for? God, over five years.
• 1:22:28
  Oh. OK.
• 1:22:29
  So you were about it, Been about it.
• 1:22:32
  I was about it. Yeah.
• 1:22:33
  I was about it and I actually, that is a perfect example of
• 1:22:38
  having to that is a time where I had to separate my work life
• 1:22:44
  because I did not show clients I was gay.
• 1:22:48
  That makes I need more money. And also I didn't want to be
• 1:22:51
  sexualized because I did not want to make, I'm not making gay
• 1:22:54
  porn for you. Like I'll make a different kind
• 1:22:57
  of video for you, but I'm not. I, you know, I just, I didn't
• 1:23:00
  want to go there. That's a really good example
• 1:23:03
  where it does make sense to work in life separate exactly.
• 1:23:07
  Actually that is a really good example.
• 1:23:09
  And that's probably also why now I'm like, what you get is what
• 1:23:12
  you get because like, I do not have the energy to filter myself
• 1:23:16
  or separate the zoo. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:23:18
  That's fair. That was amazing for the next
• 1:23:22
  thing that we're going to do. There's lots of fence lore.
• 1:23:25
  Man, shit, man, had I known. I'm going to start with that
• 1:23:28
  instead. Wait, actually, quick, quick,
• 1:23:35
  actually, I'll ask this here. I'll ask this here.
• 1:23:37
  That's totally fine. OK, so we're going to switch
• 1:23:40
  over to Lightning ground. I didn't have a chance to write
• 1:23:44
  this. Down Oh, is this just fast
• 1:23:45
  questions? Yes, it's fast questions.
• 1:23:47
  So you want to say what's off the cuff of your mind type of
• 1:23:50
  thing. OK, what's the difference
• 1:23:52
  between an escort and a stripper?
• 1:23:53
  And yes, I'm it down for me. I'm so I wanted to ask it in the
• 1:23:56
  last one, so I'm going to start. There, an escort is for sure
• 1:23:59
  fucking OK. I mean OK, some strip clubs yeah
• 1:24:05
  you you can probably pay extra and you're going to get laid or
• 1:24:09
  at least get a little beach or something.
• 1:24:11
  But on escort 1000% is paid to show you a good time.
• 1:24:19
  Now what that good time is that is between you and who's hiring
• 1:24:25
  you. And I don't mean in a private
• 1:24:26
  way. I mean, you got to figure that
• 1:24:28
  out beforehand because I have been hired to give you a good
• 1:24:31
  time sexually, but I have also been hired to just come be the
• 1:24:35
  hot side piece at business meetings and entertain the men
• 1:24:40
  these. Are OK.
• 1:24:47
  OK, yes. OK, so cigarettes and photos
• 1:24:51
  feel like what? Not rebellion.
• 1:24:55
  Truth. I like it.
• 1:24:58
  OK Do you want to go next or. Or you want me to say these?
• 1:25:02
  OK, OK. What's something people
• 1:25:04
  romanticize that you know, is actually or sorry, Yeah, I'll
• 1:25:09
  ask you whatever. What's something people might
• 1:25:11
  romanticize that you know is actually a bit lonely when it
• 1:25:14
  comes to like taking pictures or even coming up with your own
• 1:25:18
  brand or I guess wherever, what type, whatever spin you want to
• 1:25:21
  take on this, say that again. What's something people
• 1:25:25
  romanticize that you know is actually lonely?
• 1:25:30
  I think, oh Jesus, we in these damn courts.
• 1:25:35
  I think. I think when people find out
• 1:25:44
  that this is all that I do, it can be very like and it is.
• 1:25:49
  Don't get me wrong, this is a fucking dream, but I'm also very
• 1:25:54
  tired because I don't have an assistant.
• 1:25:58
  And yeah, I could hire one, but also, but also, what would that
• 1:26:05
  entail? Yeah, Because part of the big
• 1:26:09
  part of my brand is the fact that I am doing all of this
• 1:26:15
  myself, I guess in a sense, and not in the sense of like A and I
• 1:26:20
  guess that's what I need to break it down to.
• 1:26:22
  Is, is, is it in a martyrdom sense?
• 1:26:24
  Are you making yourself a martyr?
• 1:26:26
  Like let me do all this so you don't have to, Or is it because
• 1:26:31
  you truly just wouldn't know how to begin?
• 1:26:36
  Like, And I think it's more so that like, I don't know how to
• 1:26:40
  begin. Like, if I got an assistant,
• 1:26:41
  what would I have them do? Yeah, because I'm so used to
• 1:26:48
  doing just this whole process myself.
• 1:26:50
  But because I am disabled, I'm, I am, I'm fucking exhausted.
• 1:26:55
  I am. And I know that I also do that
• 1:26:57
  to myself, so I really don't have much room to complain.
• 1:27:01
  But it is very easy to romanticize a life of art.
• 1:27:06
  But it is exhausting. That's fair.
• 1:27:08
  And you have to really fucking work hard at it.
• 1:27:11
  Yeah, if you want to keep doing it.
• 1:27:13
  Yeah, like 5 do it. Being able to say I've done this
• 1:27:16
  for five years, that's a feat. No, seriously.
• 1:27:19
  And that's a feat in any industry.
• 1:27:20
  I mean, really hair styling, tattooing, sex work.
• 1:27:25
  I mean, to be have doing something for five years, I mean
• 1:27:28
  that's half a decade. That's a good point.
• 1:27:31
  The way to look at that? That's true.
• 1:27:32
  Yeah. What's a dream subject to photo
• 1:27:36
  photograph. It could be dead or alive if the
• 1:27:38
  subject is a person. Oh God.
• 1:27:46
  I have a lot, definitely now Marlboro.
• 1:27:50
  I mean, just anything like, please just let me in your
• 1:27:53
  doors, yeah. Let me take samples.
• 1:27:57
  You're like, let me just get the samples that you have, the ones
• 1:27:59
  that you were experimenting with.
• 1:28:00
  I'll start smoking Reds again, like dude.
• 1:28:03
  So anyway, but also like I think dream project, like I, I I
• 1:28:11
  really. And this was honestly one of my
• 1:28:13
  goals when I moved to California.
• 1:28:17
  I just didn't quite get there yet, but I did achieve some
• 1:28:19
  really other cool things while I was there.
• 1:28:22
  I somehow I kind of fell into the music scene and it's kind of
• 1:28:26
  like, I don't know, you just do one person with that and then
• 1:28:29
  like all these others so. Yeah, Trickle for sure.
• 1:28:32
  Yes, it was a trickle effect. So I I actually have a my work
• 1:28:36
  is on Spotify. What, as an album cover, yes, I
• 1:28:40
  love it. And that is like, definitely
• 1:28:43
  like, you know, a stepping stone, being able to take
• 1:28:45
  pictures of Dracula. Huge.
• 1:28:48
  That was yeah, yeah, because. Of how I feel about vampires and
• 1:28:52
  I just grew up loving the theater and like but also like
• 1:28:56
  dream project. Dream project would probably be
• 1:29:01
  taking like behind the scenes is probably what I would call it on
• 1:29:06
  like a film or movie set. Like, you know, all the little
• 1:29:11
  stills that trickle out and not even necessarily for like even
• 1:29:15
  just the shit you see on Pinterest.
• 1:29:16
  And yeah, some of them are like screen grabs, but like, I would
• 1:29:20
  love to just like go onto a movie set and.
• 1:29:22
  Be able to do you know which one would be super cool.
• 1:29:24
  I know this was fast. I'll say it fast.
• 1:29:26
  Addams family, you know how they made all the really rich dark
• 1:29:30
  black and white? It's because it was red.
• 1:29:31
  It was bright Reds and pinks and that was the hue because it does
• 1:29:35
  really well in black and white. And like so like when you see
• 1:29:38
  the pictures of them, like you see it on the show, right,
• 1:29:41
  because it's filmed in black and white or it comes out as black
• 1:29:43
  and white or whatever. You see it at that.
• 1:29:45
  But no, like the actual pictures behind the scenes are right Reds
• 1:29:51
  and they're just different. Shades of Reds.
• 1:29:53
  Yeah, but dream person. Like celebrity wise, definitely
• 1:29:57
  Bob Dylan. I love his music.
• 1:30:01
  God, say what you will, but he you either love him or you hate
• 1:30:08
  him because you either think he can sing or you can't.
• 1:30:11
  Like it usually doesn't even get into his songwriting.
• 1:30:13
  It's more so just his fucking ability to sing.
• 1:30:16
  And I'm like, well that's your fault if you don't like Bob
• 1:30:19
  Dylan, but God I would love to get that crazy bitch camera.
• 1:30:24
  Oh my God. So Speaking of movie, because
• 1:30:28
  this is actually the perfect question and I had it So if the
• 1:30:31
  film Cowboy were a movie genre, what would it be?
• 1:30:35
  Cowboy Western. Cowboy Western Camp Cowboy
• 1:30:38
  Western. Yeah, Cowboy restroom.
• 1:30:40
  Relative to say, can't like a cowboy, cowboy western movie, I
• 1:30:45
  said restroom, rest, restroom, restroom.
• 1:30:49
  Don't do that 'cause I will start to say that.
• 1:30:55
  Can't be something can't be definitely, probably in a
• 1:30:58
  Western. And I said they're all yes, and
• 1:31:01
  they're all smoking cigarettes and doing coke in the saloon.
• 1:31:07
  What else are you going to do? Yeah, What else?
• 1:31:09
  Why? What are you?
• 1:31:10
  Yeah, that's fair. So, Fitz, we've now heard a
• 1:31:14
  little bit about both you, your stories, your passions and your
• 1:31:18
  interests. Tell us and our listeners how.
• 1:31:21
  How can everyone find you and support you?
• 1:31:24
  OK, so mainly I am on Instagram. I'm the film cowboy across the
• 1:31:29
  board. Twitter, Instagram, wherever you
• 1:31:32
  want to find me. I know I probably need to get
• 1:31:34
  into the whole TikTok thing, haven't done it yet but yeah you
• 1:31:39
  can find me there. Please follow me.
• 1:31:41
  I am actually so close to 5000 followers and once I hit 5K I'm
• 1:31:46
  doing an insane giveaway. I have someone doing makeup, I
• 1:31:50
  have someone doing hair, I have someone doing brows.
• 1:31:53
  My injector is giving away injections.
• 1:31:56
  My girlfriend, who is co-owner of Tenfold, is giving away a
• 1:32:01
  gift certificate. I mean, it's Sydney, Linux is
• 1:32:04
  going to be designing the clothes.
• 1:32:06
  I mean, every single little thing is going to be accounted
• 1:32:09
  for. And yes girl, you can enter.
• 1:32:11
  I'm going to. It's already going to replace
• 1:32:16
  the fuck out of. That so the sooner I get to my
• 1:32:18
  page, the sooner I can announce my giveaway.
• 1:32:21
  I mean, I've been doing like little bits so people know it's
• 1:32:24
  coming, but yeah, that's my like, big thing.
• 1:32:27
  And then I am also going to start doing prints this year, so
• 1:32:31
  that's coming up because I'm like, damn, some of this shit
• 1:32:36
  like trashy Miss USA, I'm like, this would be kind of cool for
• 1:32:40
  Prince for sure. So yeah.
• 1:32:41
  And I have a lot of other stuff in the works which I'm not going
• 1:32:44
  to talk about, but I'm excited. So just fingers crossed that
• 1:32:49
  we're manifesting it here. Yes, sometimes.
• 1:32:52
  Sometimes. There we go.
• 1:32:57
  Sometimes things take time, like that ice center shoot that I
• 1:33:01
  just did on Friday. God, I met with them in July and
• 1:33:04
  just between trying to get figure out like when I could use
• 1:33:07
  the rink and then also the rink, they had to like replace it at
• 1:33:11
  some point. I forgot why at this point, but
• 1:33:13
  yeah, that was like 6 months in the making just for like various
• 1:33:17
  reasons. So I've got a lot of cool stuff
• 1:33:19
  coming up and I'm just really excited and I think this year is
• 1:33:24
  it's. Going to be the year.
• 1:33:25
  It's going to be it. So with that Pariva.
• 1:33:29
  Cheers. Pabaco pasentro di padento.
• 1:33:45
  Hell yeah. Congratulation, my business
• 1:33:47
  card, but that's OK. Oh shit, we did.
• 1:33:50
  And we talked about cigarettes so much.
• 1:33:52
  I know. It's too late, It's too late.
• 1:33:54
  This is my brother. Got to pee.
• 1:33:56
  It's never too late.