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Bonus IMPROV - It's Just Like When a Baby's Born · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  welcome welcome to very fine friends welcome to very fine friends welcome to very fine friends
• 0:23
  bonus
• 0:28
  improv
• 0:31
  Joe
• 0:33
  can we get a suggestion for improv please
• 0:35
  you sure can
• 0:36
  your suggestion is predators
• 0:38
  predators
• 0:40
  if you're listening and we know you are
• 0:42
  I wonder what they're up to
• 0:44
  listen to the pod
• 0:46
  of course from jail
• 0:47
  snuck in a radio up their butts
• 0:49
  they're incarcerated sizzlers
• 0:53
  sizzlers in one place
• 0:55
  you know where to find your sizzlers.com
• 1:00
  it's 10 p.m. do you know where your sizzlers are
• 1:04
  there's a hockey team called the predators believe it's the nashville predators but it's like uh i
• 1:13
  think they're they're their logo or whatever their mascot is like a saber-toothed tiger or
• 1:21
  It's just a guy raping someone.
• 1:23
  Or it could be.
• 1:24
  But I mean, that would be funny.
• 1:28
  That would be scarier, quite frankly, than a big cat.
• 1:32
  You'd never want to play them.
• 1:34
  No.
• 1:35
  They would win every game.
• 1:36
  How come there's no women in the audience?
• 1:38
  Gee, I don't know.
• 1:42
  How come everyone brought their own cups to this game?
• 1:44
  oh my god they're fifth in the central division right now people are scared yeah
• 1:54
  oh they're kind of hot actually yeah hockey players are hot any big butts
• 1:59
  yeah it's from all that skating yeah um uh i like that the like a predator
• 2:10
  predates somebody.
• 2:13
  I like that word too.
• 2:14
  Predate?
• 2:15
  Yeah.
• 2:15
  Predation.
• 2:17
  Seems like predate.
• 2:19
  And yet there's not a word for
• 2:20
  praying, being prayed upon.
• 2:25
  Being prayed upon is the closest thing.
• 2:26
  No, it's called praying.
• 2:29
  Pray us.
• 2:31
  Pray us.
• 2:32
  True, true.
• 2:33
  We give a lot of words to the bad guys.
• 2:36
  Maybe that's where the confusion's coming in.
• 2:39
  I thought this was a pre-date.
• 2:41
  I thought we were going to have sex.
• 2:43
  I thought I could assault you because it was a pre-date.
• 2:45
  I'm going to have sex. Get in my van.
• 2:47
  I'm taking you to dinner for a real date
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  right after this.
• 2:50
  To be clear.
• 2:51
  First sex in the van.
• 2:54
  You don't have a choice.
• 3:01
  We define a rape on the pun.
• 3:03
  In case you thought you had a choice you don I feel like we really We ramped up our rape talk on the But imagine you like questioning the attacker and you like but are you sure I don have a choice
• 3:14
  I feel like this is my choice.
• 3:16
  I'm not going to do it.
• 3:18
  Well, if you have a choice and then it still happens,
• 3:20
  that means it is your fault.
• 3:21
  Oh my God.
• 3:22
  I was just talking to someone about this.
• 3:24
  This is inappropriate.
• 3:25
  Tune out now if this offends you.
• 3:27
  Or if you think you might be offended.
• 3:28
  Or if you've been offended at all in the last minute,
• 3:32
  the next part's not for you.
• 3:34
  I was saying, actually at your thing,
• 3:37
  I was talking to someone,
• 3:38
  and I said that I think no one could do that to me.
• 3:43
  Because no one could make a date.
• 3:45
  Yeah, because I'm like making diamonds back here.
• 3:47
  And like, I think they would be so unsuccessful
• 3:51
  that they would lose their confidence
• 3:52
  and they would never rape again.
• 3:56
  Invention of the week, rape bait.
• 3:59
  Francis comes to local areas
• 4:01
  with a high raping population.
• 4:05
  Oh no, I dropped my things.
• 4:07
  You're like the dog whisperer,
• 4:08
  but you're the rape whisperer.
• 4:10
  Predator whisperer.
• 4:10
  A different kind of dog whisperer.
• 4:12
  Yeah.
• 4:12
  Or, ooh, new invention,
• 4:15
  butt diamonds.
• 4:25
  And scene.
• 4:29
  And now, improv.
• 4:31
  oh my god i can't believe you you finally did it you finally you you proposed yes yes a thousand
• 4:44
  times yes oh oh my god oh the ring is beautiful yeah oh it's so gorgeous i made that what oh i
• 4:53
  i know i know you worked really hard you earned a lot of money and then you bought me this no no
• 4:59
  What do you mean?
• 5:01
  No, no.
• 5:02
  Did you like go, you picked out a diamond and then you like forged the band?
• 5:07
  Uh-uh.
• 5:07
  What?
• 5:09
  What?
• 5:12
  What do you mean?
• 5:13
  Well.
• 5:14
  How did you, honey.
• 5:17
  Did you, is there like a service where you can go to a diamond mine?
• 5:21
  No.
• 5:23
  Here's what happened.
• 5:24
  Wait, like you traded somebody for it with your labor?
• 5:29
  No.
• 5:29
  I've been under a lot of pressure at work
• 5:34
  I know, I know
• 5:36
  And you know how the doctor said
• 5:39
  That it's a problem that I haven't
• 5:41
  Gone
• 5:42
  Yeah
• 5:44
  Not for me, but for you it is
• 5:46
  Yeah, it's been a real problem
• 5:47
  Well, I was thinking about you
• 5:49
  Oh, that's so sweet
• 5:50
  Yeah, and I was at work
• 5:51
  And I was under a lot of stress
• 5:52
  And someone had a squatty potty
• 5:55
  Just left it in the bathroom
• 5:57
  I thought I always wanted to try one of these.
• 6:01
  Um, anyway, I was real worried for a second when I heard a plop.
• 6:06
  But that was a diamond.
• 6:10
  Okay.
• 6:10
  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Very funny honey Very funny What did you get this from like Jared or Zales Did you get it at Zales I got it from my ass
• 6:25
  What?
• 6:27
  Babe, listen.
• 6:30
  I can make 10 more of those.
• 6:32
  What?
• 6:34
  Yeah, I cut it myself.
• 6:35
  That's my logo.
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  My slogan.
• 6:37
  I cut it myself.
• 6:40
  Oh, it's cool.
• 6:41
  I read about the website, thecutter.com forward slash butt diamonds.
• 6:47
  You're saying that I'm wearing one of your ass diamonds on my hand?
• 6:53
  Yes.
• 6:53
  It doesn't mean I love you any less.
• 6:55
  Now we can spend the money on other things.
• 6:58
  No.
• 6:58
  I don't know how I feel about this.
• 7:00
  This is so gross.
• 7:04
  I guess I do know how I feel about it.
• 7:06
  It's gross.
• 7:07
  No, no, no.
• 7:08
  This is just like a lab diamond.
• 7:09
  No one will know the difference.
• 7:10
  It's chemically the exact same thing.
• 7:12
  Honey, is this why you wouldn't let me give you a massage?
• 7:16
  I said, I'll relax you.
• 7:17
  And you're like, no.
• 7:20
  And you stopped me right away.
• 7:22
  Yes.
• 7:23
  Yes.
• 7:23
  But you know what?
• 7:24
  Now that I look at you and I see the ring.
• 7:25
  Yeah.
• 7:27
  Oh, I just had a realization.
• 7:30
  What?
• 7:31
  You need earrings to go with it.
• 7:33
  Hold on.
• 7:35
  But honey, you're still stressed out right now?
• 7:38
  Yes.
• 7:39
  But we're engaged.
• 7:39
  What do you have to be stressed about?
• 7:41
  Basic promotion and leadership structure change at work.
• 7:44
  No, honey.
• 7:45
  No, I don't want to watch.
• 7:48
  Look.
• 7:50
  Oh, they're wet.
• 7:52
  Yeah, it's just like when a baby's born.
• 7:53
  You just got to rinse it off.
• 7:55
  You're being really ungrateful for someone who just came into new jewelry.
• 7:58
  No, honey, I appreciate this.
• 8:00
  I appreciate this.
• 8:02
  Although Don will take care of it.
• 8:03
  Don can do anything.
• 8:05
  Except I heard they still test on animals.
• 8:07
  oh don i thought you meant a guy named don oh you thought you thought i meant donald yeah
• 8:14
  no oh i i was like had you brought don into this okay is this gonna be a problem do you want me to
• 8:20
  take all this back i mean i don't i don't know this is so weird but i i like its potential
• 8:28
  for money making well it makes perfect sense we're carbon-based life forms
• 8:33
  diamonds are just carbon
• 8:35
  and I love you
• 8:37
  I love you as much
• 8:40
  as carbon
• 8:42
  makes a diamond
• 8:43
  wow
• 8:44
  that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me
• 8:48
  I love you too honey
• 8:49
  alright let's go for this
• 8:51
  let's go for the cutter.com
• 8:53
  slash butt diamonds
• 8:54
  maybe we just shouldn't tell people
• 8:57
  you seem to struggle with it
• 8:58
  let's monetize this
• 9:01
  I know I'm a little uppity
• 9:03
  I'm probably a little more sensitive to it
• 9:06
  but I think once it's normalized in the world
• 9:09
  then people will be okay with it
• 9:13
  alright let's do this, you and me
• 9:14
  cut to 17 years later in their mansion
• 9:18
  hello
• 9:20
  I never tire of that I never tire of that honey I God I love that I never tire of that Oh my God Honey I hate to be the one to do this
• 9:32
  I love you.
• 9:33
  You know, I love you.
• 9:34
  Yes.
• 9:35
  But we're running out of money.
• 9:38
  What?
• 9:38
  What?
• 9:40
  You're too relaxed.
• 9:43
  You haven't produced anything in years.
• 9:45
  I can't help it.
• 9:46
  You just kept forcing me to go bigger and bigger.
• 9:48
  I'm totally blown out.
• 9:50
  That's not.
• 9:51
  Just don't, honey.
• 9:52
  That's not what I was saying at all.
• 9:54
  I'm saying you got to tighten back up again.
• 9:56
  You got to get stressed.
• 9:58
  But I've been so carefree.
• 10:00
  I know.
• 10:00
  It's a double-edged sword.
• 10:02
  I can't produce.
• 10:04
  I'm happy.
• 10:05
  Or catch 22.
• 10:06
  That's what it is.
• 10:07
  You need to be stressed to make the diamonds, which gets us the money, but then the money
• 10:11
  makes you not stressed.
• 10:13
  I've got to be honest.
• 10:14
  I can't think of a single thing that would stress me out.
• 10:16
  Our life is perfect.
• 10:17
  You're covered head to toe in diamonds.
• 10:20
  Things I've made.
• 10:21
  Yeah, it's heavy, actually.
• 10:23
  Yeah.
• 10:24
  Now that I think of it, I guess you could have used some of the money we made to buy diamonds that I didn't shit out, but...
• 10:30
  That's neither here nor there.
• 10:31
  That's neither here nor there.
• 10:32
  Yes!
• 10:33
  I've gotten used to it, honey.
• 10:34
  I've gotten used to it.
• 10:35
  Well, stress me out if you must.
• 10:38
  Okay.
• 10:44
  I'm your boss from your old job.
• 10:48
  Glenn.
• 10:49
  Get back to work.
• 10:50
  work. No. Oh, see, honey, I tried. He has no leverage. I know, I tried to go back to one of
• 10:56
  your old triggers. Maybe you could blackmail me. Okay. Honey, I'm, if you don't get back to work
• 11:08
  making diamonds, I'm, I'm going to tell everybody about your weird fantasy. Which one?
• 11:16
  which weird fantasy yeah
• 11:20
  the one the one where you buy a water park and
• 11:28
  pee in it the whole thing you pee in the whole thing and it gets you off
• 11:33
  that's i just feel like the you're not it's not embarrassing enough no i'm too rich to be
• 11:39
  embarrassed god well honey you're not gonna be rich for long what what do you mean well
• 11:45
  we're running out of money.
• 11:47
  Why?
• 11:48
  The cutter.com.
• 11:50
  If you've been to that website recently,
• 11:52
  you go out,
• 11:53
  you log on and it's just like a tumbleweed goes by a digital tumbleweed
• 11:56
  goes by on the website.
• 11:58
  Oh my God.
• 11:59
  I'm stressed.
• 12:01
  Oh my God.
• 12:01
  I'm stressed.
• 12:02
  Yes.
• 12:03
  Oh my God.
• 12:03
  I'm stressed.
• 12:04
  Hold out your hands.
• 12:10
  I'm sorry.
• 12:13
  Oh,
• 12:14
  I haven't seen.