Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 46. How to Move On After Divorce Instead of Self Sabotage & Thinking About the Past

Transcript

46. How to Move On After Divorce Instead of Self Sabotage & Thinking About the Past · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Cozy in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, you're here and I'm so glad we have such a rich topic to discuss today and it literally hit me in the face this weekend.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: So I was having, let's call it, a stressful inner experience.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: You can relate to that and it's because I'm challenging myself to grow and in those growth phases we get insecure, i get insecure, and so in the midst of this kind of insecure growth space that I was in this weekend, it was late Saturday night and it was time to take a shower and wind down and get ready for bed and I was in the shower and kind of spun out trying to get grounded, trying to get my wits about me.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: The shower is a lot of.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: It's a tool that I use a lot to get grounded, but one of the first things I do when I get in the shower.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: You have an order that you do in the shower, right?
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: you have your very own specific.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: You know what you do first and what you do second and what you do third, right?
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: So one of the first things I do is wash my face, and if you follow me on social media, if you watch my Instagram stories, you may or may not know that I switched skincare products this year.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I switched to a product called Bamboo Earth, and it's the face wash that I use in the shower is an oil cleanser, and so I was reaching to wash my face and all I wanted to do I had the strongest urge to use my old face wash and it was sitting right there on the other side of the shower, right like my old, which I loved, my old face wash, but it's you know, it's like soap, it like lathers, and you know exactly how to use it and you know exactly how to get the results and it's like just one step and done.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: And you know the oil cleanser there's like a more of a protocol to it.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: Right, it's a little more complicated.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: So it was so fascinating how strong and powerful the urge was to use the other face wash and, because I am so analytical loves.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: This immediately caught my attention and I was like, oh shit, what is this about?
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: and then, like a half second after that was this is what we do.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: We're stressed out and we're insecure and we go back and we call our ex and we get on Facebook Messenger with our high school boyfriend and we go back.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, can you relate to that love?
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: that that is, the strongest urge we have when we are in an insecure space is to reach backwards to the thing that once upon a time worked for me, and I know it.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I know how it works, i know what it feels like, how it smells, how it.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I understand everything about this old thing and it feels like the only thing that will soothe me right now.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: And so I didn't use the old face wash.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I didn't.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I was able to recognize in that moment the urge, how it correlates to looking backwards to our exes and to our high school boyfriends and that kind of thing.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: You know how many people have told me stories about in our post divorce situation how they ended up on Facebook Messenger with their high school boyfriend.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I know, i know your face is a little red right now.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: And then I was able to recognize that the thoughts I was having, and these thoughts were crazy, they were wild.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: They were wild thoughts about, like what's the purpose of it all?
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Like, so, yes, love, i go to that place sometimes to the what's it all mean, what's it all for, why Right?
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: So from that kind of really spun out, like what is the purpose of all of this spot.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Once I realized that go back urge, i was able to say, oh, i'm going back to old negative conceptions of myself and of life.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Even my thoughts right now are seeking that old comforting pattern.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: My negative emotion is seeking that old comforting pattern to just say it's all screwed and nothing matters.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, that is a strategy Our mind, body has used to cope in the past, or maybe even in the present right.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: So once that was clear for me that all of those strategies were online, those old strategies, then I said to myself, okay, now what Right?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Which is exactly where we are Right.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, dawn, yes, you caught me.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I've been messaging with my high school boyfriend on messenger, mm, hmm, now what Right?
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: And there are a couple of things about that.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Now what?
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Because?
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: is there?
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: would there have been anything wrong with me using the face wash?
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: No, no, there's no like horrible consequence for me using the old face wash, right, but it's not aligned with my goals for my skincare, right.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I have new goals and using the old face wash would not have been in alignment.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: And if I make a decision that's not an alignment once, twice, three times, no big deal.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: But if we start doing that over and over and over again, then we are no longer moving in the direction of our goals, we're moving in the direction of our past.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: We're just like going back doing the old thing Right.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: So so, because it wasn't just the face wash, it was also the thoughts and the feelings that I was having about myself and life and whatnot, i knew that I really had to get grounded, like, really, really, it was time to double down on getting grounded in what is what I'm going to refer to as good right, true, capital T, true thought.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: And what I'm going to describe to you next is something that I have been talking about with clients in the last couple of weeks, clients who are having the hardest struggle right, the clients who are kind of really, really in it in such a painful way.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: The thing that I ask them when they're struggling to get momentum in a positive direction is what do you believe about the whole purpose and meaning of life?
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Do you fundamentally believe that the universe is for you, or that you are a victim of chaos and it doesn't matter how hard you work, that ultimately you're still gonna struggle and suffer?
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: And I think that being able to move forward when we've been looking back really boils down to what we believe about that.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Do we believe, at the end of the day, that God, the universe, the thing that keeps this fear spinning in the galaxy, right Like?
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: do we believe that it is all working together for good and that all I have to know is how to hack into that flow?
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: or are we all just victims of an evil plot?
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: And for me, i truly believe that we, that this is all purposeful, meaningful, and that if we hack into what is good, we hack into the flow of spirit, of life force, if we know how to use that to our advantage, that we unlock all the good things, that, yes, painful things happen to all people, and how we respond to those painful things dictates the momentum in the direction forward or backwards, right.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: And so I want you to really ask yourself what do you believe?
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Not what have you been taught?
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Not what does the Bible say, not what does it feel like today?
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Because, you know, when I was in the thick of it, in the middle of divorce, i just kept asking does true love actually exist?
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Does unconditional love actually exist?
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: What is even possible in the world of relationships?
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: And it doesn't matter what I had been taught or what beliefs I had been exposed to, because in those moments of darkness I lost my way right.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I was struggling to believe that love could actually be a sustainable, comforting thing that could see me through to the end of my life.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: I completely lost my way, and so maybe at that time I couldn't be in touch with whether or not a loving marriage was possible or a loving, long-term, committed relationship was possible.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: But I could get clear that God had my back, and I think that when we really get clear that God, or the universe, or however you call it right has your back, has my back, and that, as long as we are moving in the direction of alignment and I'm not talking about being good or following certain rules, i'm talking about really getting to know yourself and your purpose and what lights you up right Your gifts, your gifts that you were born with.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: That's what I mean by alignment.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I don't mean alignment as like getting it right or doing it good.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: If you believe that the universe has your back and you are moving in the direction of living in your gifts and finding joy, then all will be well.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it's never gonna be hard, of course it's gonna be hard as I'll get out, but all will be well and you will enjoy your life.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: So the face wash was really one of those moments where I got to ask myself Don you say you believe this thing?
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: where is the action to back it up?
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: If I believe that the universe has my back, then my job is to walk that out, one choice at a time.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: And we've been talking a lot lately about central nervous system regulation.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: We talk about how do we keep moving forward, how do we let go and how do we keep moving forward, and the way we do it is in those moments where I could go back or I could go forward.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: I make the choice to go forward.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: That's how we build muscle.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Working out with Colleen, she calls it progressive overload.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: That's what central nervous system coaches will teach you Progressive exposure within a window of tolerance.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: We're not talking about going faster than your vibration can sustain, but progressive overload, progressive exposure to hard things.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: In those moments where you feel like going back, laying down, giving up, it's taking a breath, taking a step and doing the thing.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Last week, producer Joy and I were taking a walk and having a conversation about but can I heal enough so that I don't feel afraid to do the thing, or do I heal feeling afraid by just doing the thing?
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: And the answer is you will never get so healed that you don't feel afraid to take the step.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: When you're in a growth space, the step is always going to feel a little bit scary, and that's the whole point.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Love is, you cannot build muscle without doing that workout that actually tears your little muscle fibers apart a bit.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: You cannot Teach your central nervous system to be able to tolerate stressful things without exposing your central nervous system to stressful things.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: You cannot be able to Be an oak tree in the face of a hard thing without Taking the steps to become the oak tree.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: So, love, when you are doing the going back thing, when and even sometimes, going back doesn't look like going back, you know how sometimes you just want to like rage at your ex PS.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: That's still going back.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: It may not be going back in the kind of romantic sense, right, like in the longing, like the oh you know, kind of Romanticizing the whole thing, but but wanting to go back and give them the what for it's still going back love.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: So when you're in the going back space, even if you're doing it right now, right, if you've been kind of struggling not to loop About your ex or your high school boyfriend or whomever it is, know that Going back is going back, it's not moving forward, it's not advancing your goals and And the only way you're truly gonna advance your goals is Over time, when you feel the urge to go back to interrupt.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: There are a lot of times where people come to session and they say to me Either I relapsed on whatever right, i relapsed on calling, or I didn't do the homework, or I relapsed on whatever I agreed to do don whatever it is that you and I agreed that I would do in my last session.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Have you all seen that?
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: y'all seen the reels lately about people kind of Making adorable fun at not doing the thing you agreed to do in your therapy session?
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: like they're hysterical.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: They make me laugh so hard.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, but when people come to session and they say They relapsed on doing the thing they agreed They either were we're not gonna do in session, i Offer a lot of grace, so much grace.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like no problem, got it.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's move forward.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: No problem, got it, let's move forward.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: So let me be really clear right here.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: If you've been relapsing, no big deal, let it go Going back and rehearsing what you could have, should have, would have done.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: You know, the last couple of weeks or months not worth it.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: We, we just always move forward.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: We just do grace and we move forward.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: But know that to really move the needle on your goals, to move the needle on having a greater sense of security, more love in your heart, better self-esteem, someday having a Sustainable loving relationship, regardless of what that looks like, right, just feeling happy, right.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: If those are your goals, then the only way you're gonna do that is that when you have the urge to go back, you interrupt it and you do something different and you take a step forward.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: And that's gonna mean something like using breathing exercises, doing an EFT, tapping video, journaling about what you're grateful for, what your goals are, on, what step you can take next to move forward rather than backwards.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: It's gonna be calling a friend and saying that you're struggling to go forward and that you need help doing it.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: In that moment It's gonna be going back to answering that big, big, big question, which is what do I believe?
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: Does the universe have my back or not?
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: You have the framework, you know part of going forward.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: The reason that's scary is because we feel like we don't have the framework.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: We don't know what it looks like.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: It's gonna be uncertain, but you know what?
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, okay, it is uncertain, but if we believe that the universe has our back, then is it really uncertain, is it?
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: it's not anymore uncertain than being on an adventure in a foreign country And you don't know exactly what's gonna happen all the time.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: But you know, you know you're gonna have fun and it's gonna be cool.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: And like are you maybe gonna lose your luggage at the airport?
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe, but like it's worth it.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Right, it's worth it because it's an adventure.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: This is that, with the belief that the universe has your back.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: And so then the framework is We use the tools and we steps, we take steps forward and we trust that all the rest is gonna fill in, because it is love.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: It's already filling in.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: You've already made so much more progress than you realize.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: I know that for a fact.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it takes a moment for all of those gains you've been working towards to consolidate and to float to the surface, for them to be super visible.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: But you're already doing it.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: You've already done so much And this is just helping you unhook that going back thing a little bit more.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: A little bit more right?
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Because look, here I am and I went back.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: Well, i got invited to go back.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: I didn't go back, right, but, but I got invited to go back and in my thinking and in my feeling, i did temporarily go back.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: So so it's okay, we all go back, but it's.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: How can we then go forward again with more clarity and with more conviction?
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: and, having grown a little every time, you know that image of a bow and arrow where, in order to shoot the arrow, you actually have to pull the bow back to create tension so that the arrow has the momentum and the force to propel forward, right?
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we really shame ourselves for going back and we say I should be further, i should do better, i should not be repeating this behavior.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: I challenge that.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: This is where you add some grace and you acknowledge that every time I pull the arrow back in the bow, it creates the tension and the force to propel it forward much faster.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: And that's what this is.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: This is a moment of rather than just unconsciously going back, adding awareness and then propelling yourself forward.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: And, oh man, i'm so clear that you're going to do amazing things as you propel forward.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear Divorce.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Diary is a podcast by My Coach, dawn.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: You can find more at MyCoachDawncom.