Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep8: Brings Down the House with The Whitest Thing You Can Do 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep8: Brings Down the House with The Whitest Thing You Can Do 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: What's up, y'all?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, alright.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's nice to see y'all.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's nice to be out here.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: I've been traveling around a lot this year.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was on a mega bus last week.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know what a mega bus is, congrats on your financial stability.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's bad.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, a lot of people are like afraid to fly, but like my plane fear and my bus fear are two different fears.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like anytime I get on a plane, I'm like, man, I hope there's not a crying baby sitting next to me.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Anytime I get on a bus, I'm like, man, I hope I don't get bit.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: They don't let, you know, plane security is tough.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, they don't let you bring anything on a plane.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: They'll let you bring a sword on a bus.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: They don't like I've only been asked one security question on a bus.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: One time I got asked a security question.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, sir, to the best of your knowledge, are you carrying anything on your person like Schedule I narcotics, like cocaine or methamphetamine?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, no.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And he went, bam.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: And he just drove us to Cleveland.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, it's nice to be out on the West Coast.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I live in New York.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not from New York originally.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm from the South.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I moved to New York from the South because I wanted to see what it's like to vote.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's messed up?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody ever believes I'm from the South because I don't have like an accent or anything like that.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm just here to tell you, we don't all sound like biscuits that came to life.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Some of us sound like this.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a black dude from the South that doesn't have an accent.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want me to sound like I'm from down there.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's white people that grew up in Africa.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want them to sound African.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Some dude named Brendan, like.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Could you point me in the nitty-station?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Of a Lululemon.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Even Southerners don't believe I'm from the South.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I used to have this redneck friend growing up.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I have an outreach program.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have this redneck friend, and he never believed I was from the South.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: He would like to quiz me all the time.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, I don't trust it, Jordan.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really think you're from down here, man.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't got no accent.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I seen you reading.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty sure you was eating kale on your lunch break.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Come on now.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Prove to me you're a southerner.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do something.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Prove to me you're from the south.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, alright, bro.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I just shot him.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't kill him, I just grazed him.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Just a little Confederate handshake.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we call it down there.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's hard to tell I'm from the South.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's much easier to tell I'm a millennial.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I check all the millennial boxes.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I got depression, I go to therapy.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: I tell people I have depression and go to therapy.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: We wear that like a badge of honor.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you don't go to therapy to get better, you go to get better than everybody around you.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: So when they're like, I'm sad, you're gonna be like, oh well, have you tried telling a Jewish man your secrets for$200?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I do.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Millennials are sad, dude.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: We're in a tough spot because like we're stuck between two generations.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: We're stuck between boomers and Gen Z, and neither side likes us.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Neither side likes us.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: We hear them talking shit, and listen, this is no way to treat the homeless community, okay?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like I thought I'd be doing better now, too.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I thought I have a 401k.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: All I got is my journal and my feelings.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just waking up every day, like, I am kind, I am strong, I'm worthy of my dreams.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I do them affirmations, I'll be affirmating.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: People in the 50s and 60s never did that.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they didn't write in their journals.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: They just looked into the bathroom mirror every morning and said, You're a pussy, now buy a house.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And they just ordered a house from a Sears catalog for like$35.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Got to live in it for generations.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I wanted to be a homeowner so bad growing up.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even see kids playing house anymore.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: I saw six kids in the park today playing apartment.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: It was sad.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're just huddled around a trash can crying into it.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: You guys want to split a Netflix password?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how we're gonna make the rant.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Can't get along.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: The generations can't get along.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not even like big differences that we're you know arguing about.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's little subtle differences, you know, like how the genes fit, where you get your milk from, you know.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because every generation gets their milk from a different source.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, boomers are still hanging on the cows, and millennials, we switched it up to oats and nuts.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Gen Z gets their milk from non-binary penises or something.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's all natural.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: All right, Kevin.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever you gotta do to get your calcium dog, that is that's between you, they, and them.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: We don't have much.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Millennials don't have much.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: This is what we have going for us, though.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: We're the last generation that can talk to people with full eye contact.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I know, right?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: We got it in right at the buzzer, dude.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: It was close.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: It was real close.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because screen addiction is a real thing now.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like everybody's got a phone in their pocket.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I understand why people don't look at anybody else.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, look, there's a squirrel on the skateboard right here.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Why the fuck would I look at you?
• 6:02
  unknown: Right?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: But we didn't always have phones in our pocket growing up.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't always have that.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't always have a screen.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: You just had one screen.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: We had one desktop computer in the living room, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then you just went outside and you didn't know shit all day.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: You just outside dumb as fuck.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like nobody had the answers.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like, what's the weather gonna be tomorrow?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Let me drive home and ask Jeeves.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: How the fuck would I know the weather 24 hours from now?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not Native American.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go look at a colorful map of smooth jazz place in the background, dude.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, one desktop computer in the living room that the entire family depended on, and every millennial boy immediately gave that computer aids.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: We we fried them Pentium chips up, bro.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just a bunch of 12-year-olds typing in tits question mark.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Computer slogging through viruses, like he is curious and horny.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa! Like Michael Phelps flimming in molasses.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Gin Z is never gonna know that fear.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: That fear of when your mom calls you downstairs to discuss the browser history.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's sitting in that office chair waiting like a Bond villain.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then she's got the browser history pulled up.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't even know there was browser history.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, this you and you gotta play dumb.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what that is.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what that could be.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't Google this?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh uh no.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't Google what do vaginas look like.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: No, uh probably dad if I had to guess.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Probably dad.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: If I had to make an educated guess, probably dad.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm 13.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I know what they look like.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: However they're gonna look at them.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Gen Z's got a good, they'll never know that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: They get to go to their room and jack off in private.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I never got to do that.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I had to sneak downstairs, I had to jack off in the living room surrounded by family photos.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Just my grandma's portrait right there on the mantle.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Gen Z gets to go to their room, lock the door, bust the nut, set up a tripod, do a dance, and tell the world why they're autistic.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: I just gotta do good, man.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you say?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I don't know what the fuck that was.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: That was my grandma's portrait.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I'm always watching.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm j I'm jealous of how Gen Z is.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: They're so comfortable in front of the camera, you know?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like they make viral videos and stuff.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: You can make viral videos, you just gotta you just gotta put up with the comment section.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we're all on the internet, is for the comments.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like we post photos of ourselves on Instagram to fill the void inside, but we're really there for the comments.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like you watch a video and then you're like, ah, now what do the people say?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like my cousin, he posted a video of himself the other day online doing a fortnight dance, and it went viral in a week, it got 18 million views.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was like, now what do the people say?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: I pulled out the comments.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: The first one said, This nigga don't get no bitches.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's a great comment.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: He's 12.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: He don't get no bitches.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely no bitches.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you there's kids that get bullied and everything.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I feel for them.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I know what it's like to get bullied.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I, you know, I like I went to this all-white high school growing up, and uh people used to give me a lot of trouble because of like my personality or whatever.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: But they they used to say that I acted white.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they were like, you know, for a black dude, you act pretty white.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And uh really what they were trying to say is as a black person, I don't act like the black stereotype of a black person that they have in their mind, of somebody that they've never really hung out with in the first place.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, right, because uh because if I was acting white, I would have shot up that school a long time ago.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is like the whitest thing you can do, dude.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Just come to school with a bowl cut and a gun, like, alright now.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Am I acting white now?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, no, no, no, please stop acting white, please.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, you're not white, you're not white.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, this is what you want.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, please stop acting white.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just act black, just act black, be black.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: All right, you guys were a lot of fun.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: When it's