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S2 E10 - Conspiracy Guy · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: Previously on the Steve and Jeff Show.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_03: We want to live with our audience.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_03: Well, not literally this weird.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: But he said we take too long to get to the jokes.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think we're just so funny.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_03: Please welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, that world famous jokester, Joey Bishop Schwartzmann.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: We each know like one joke.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: Is that all you people care about is money?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Wash your hands.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: I want a cheese sandwich.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: We got the chops, but not the props.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I am writing that one down.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I tell you what, I can get you your Polish jokes.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I can get you a Jewish joke.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, I'm aroused.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing says Christmas like a borschtbelt comic.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Penile jokes, anything like that.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Though I like long ones too.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Is anything all right?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if it's in yet.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: He saw the gas bill.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we can't spank them.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: Did we get to the jokes fast enough for you?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: We are so going to be canceled.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: We were not canceled, Jeff.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: That's such a relief to our millions.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: Let's, Jeff, let's be honest.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: The millions of listeners.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: It is such a relief that we were not canceled.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: Our sponsors didn't walk away.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: They were a little upset, but I digress.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: We're still here, Jeff.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: How's it going, Steve?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_03: I always hate being here in winter.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I like to get away sometimes.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: I you know, I took a little trip recently.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I heard that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm kind of jealous.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: I, you know, I'm going to live my life through you vicariously.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: So where did you go?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Jeff, I actually took a quick trip to Mexico.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: From Omaha?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's yeah.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: That's a long flight.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: I spit for a first class ticket.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: First class is great.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: They give you unlimited drinks.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: You can have all the drinks you want free.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not familiar with first class, but regardless, it still is a long trip.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: So it is.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: And it was kind of fun because this, you know, the airlines, you know, they're all trying to squeeze a few extra dollars out of everything.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: First class is typically two seats on each side, but this airline's trying out three seats in first class.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, and of course I bought late, so I got the middle seat, right?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: And on a flight like that, that long, you really get to know the people who sit next to you.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: On my left was this guy, uh Seamus, who's from Ireland.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: On my right was this guy, Bill, as a Mormon guy.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't understand most of what he said, but I just nodded.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, funny thing happened though.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: First class, you can drink while you're still on the ground.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_03: It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful thing, right?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I wanted to be polite, so I ordered a Canadian whiskey, because you know, that's polite, right?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: Then, you know, Seamus, of course, Seamus got a Jameson, you know, and it fits.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: The flight attendant asked Bill the Mormon, you know, what he wants to drink.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: And he says, you know, because they don't drink alcohol, coffee, coke, none of that stuff, you know.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: So he said, well, I'll just have an orange juice.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Mormons don't drink.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: All right, okay.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: So the plane takes off.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: About an hour into the flight, she comes around again, brings lunch.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, beautiful lunch.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: And so I think, oh, you know what?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna get a glass of wine with this lunch.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: This is perfect.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I got a glass of wine.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: Seamus, he's having a pretty good time there.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: He really enjoyed the James and gets an Irish coffee because he wants to wake up a little bit.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's a long flight, you know.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: Mormon, he asked for caffeine-free Coke.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, nobody's got that crap.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, nobody drinks a caffeine-free Coke.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: Give me a break.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: So, of course, they didn't have it.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: So he just got a water about an hour from landing.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: So they come around, last call.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Time to load up.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: So I thought pretty soon I'm gonna be driving a rental car in a foreign country.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: So I probably don't want to have another drink.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm saying?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: So I just say, well, just have a water.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: So Seamus figures, hey, we're over Mexico.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: He orders a double tequila.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, he's he's having a great time.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: So Bill the Mormon, he's getting a little steamed up by now.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody drinking around him.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: He's getting it's bothering him a little bit.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: So flight attendant asks him what he wants, and he says, I'd rather be ravaged by a dozen whores than let your liquor touch my lips.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: When he says that, Seamus says to the flight attendant, hey, you know, cancel that tequila.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know that was an option.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that was a great flight, though.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: It really was.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, my wife is Irish Catholic, so you know, I feel like I was there, Steve.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: But I digress.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't really follow the news, but you know, when I got back, I heard everywhere you go, you hear about conspiracy theories.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: You hear about people talking about this conspiracy, that conspiracy, and everything's a conspiracy.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: Have you noticed that, Jeff?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that's been going on for a long time.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: I remember didn't they accuse Prince Charles of being a vampire or it's true?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: No, that one was true.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: Amelia Earhart, yeah.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's a that's a conspiracy.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: She had crabs.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she was eaten by crabs.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I don't care about her private life.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_03: I really don't.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the most current one, of course, is that Trump is president, that he won the election.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: But you're right, Steve.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: There's so many conspiracy theories, and I don't know which ones are right or which ones are wrong.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I I really don't know.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And it would be nice if somebody was there to kind of help me get grounded and understand the difference between the real stuff and the fake.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: I am so glad you said that, Jeff, because you know, we have in our studio tonight, here in eccentric Ladyland Studios tonight, on the other side of that glass, let me just tap it.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: We have somebody that can help you with these conspiracy theories, can outline them and can illuminate them, can elucidate them, can illustrate them and can illiterate them.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: My dad?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: You know, no, the the warden is he's got no sense of humor.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_03: I called him again to see if your dad could do some some shows from prison.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_03: He didn't even listen this time.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: Once he heard it was me, just click.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: No sense of humor.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, okay, a guy's in prison.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: What does that mean?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_03: He can't be funny.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Come on.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: I know totally.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: But I really have we've got I can only call him Mr.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: X because he is very afraid of being discovered.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: We had to make an agreement with him that we wouldn't use his name, we wouldn't identify him in any in any other way, and that we would distort his voice.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: Kind of like they do like when they have the mob witnesses on those documentaries.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: We got to do that for Mr.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: X here.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: So you know what's funny, Steve, is I a lot of our guests want their voices and their names left off when they're when they're guests on our show.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's probably not that unique.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_03: We have so many people that are worried about being discovered and being outed.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's a common problem, Jeff.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: It really is.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's not, it's got nothing to do with our show.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: Of course not, not the content.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, of course not.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: But but I digress.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: So we've got we have somebody that can really help explain those conspiracy theories and maybe even tell us some new theories that we didn't even know were theories or didn't know were conspiracies.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: So I'd like to welcome Mr.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: X.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: Mr.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: X, thanks for coming to the show.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_03: Did you have any trouble finding eccentric lady in studios?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh oh, thank you so much for having me on your show.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, it was pretty easy.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I live in Omaha too, and I know my way around pretty well.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can't use public transportation, as you know, I could easily be spotted.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I use a series of back alleys and secret tunnels.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: I've only lived here a few years, but I didn't I didn't know Omaha said had secret tunnels.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I'd heard Council Bluffs has secret tunnels, and you don't want to go there.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you don't want to go into those tunnels.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no, no.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: But I didn't know Omaha had them.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they do, and that's the first secret I can reveal.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: One of many that most people don't know about.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: We're glad that you got here.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: And per your request, we're going to refer to you as Mr.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: X, and we're just gonna keep your identity secret.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: You can completely trust us.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: My question is have you always been a believer in conspiracy theories?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: As we've discussed, I'm in constant danger for those who want to shut me up.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to take every precaution I can.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty used to living like this.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've been discovering secrets my whole life.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned on the phone, it all started when I was just a little kid, watching the first landing on the moon by our astronauts.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_03: Oh gosh, I remember that.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that was exciting.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: That was a great time in our history, and that's really an example of how conspiracy theories have just have no limit.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: You've heard that conspiracy theory that oh, we didn't really land on the moon and all this.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: We all saw it.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: They're trying to convince us of crazy stuff, you know.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it would be crazy if it wasn't 100% true.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I mean, I know it's hard to believe that our country and our government would go to such lengths to make people believe that there is a moon and that we landed on it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's taken more than 50 years to get the real story out, but it's something I'm very proud of.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Scott, I'm oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: X.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: You're you're you're you're saying that we we didn't land on the moon?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't believe it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: That is completely true.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Look, we all know about computer generate images that can tell the difference between what's made up and what's real, but what people don't know is that technology was created over 75 years ago by all people, Walt Disney himself.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it was Walt's idea in the first place.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: He's the one who gave it to Kennedy.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't believe me that you can fake this stuff, just to look at that movie Fantasia, it's all there in Technicolor.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I watched that movie when I was in college, and I can tell you I was on a long on a long trip.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: I guess I didn't know that.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: Are there other things that we just we assume are facts, but that you have found to be fake and conspiracy theories?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Stephen Jeff, there's so many, too many to go into right now, and some would cause me to reveal my sources, which I can't do.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: We don't want you to do that.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I guess the first big story I revealed was that Harrison Ford is in fact the president of the United States.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, that's crazy.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's amazing.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: How do you come up with something like that?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I have heard a lot of people have said that he really won the 2020 election, and I did see him in Air Force One.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty obvious if you just pay attention.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just look at the presidential roles he plays in movies.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: He practically told you he was president, and there is his name, Harrison Ford, two former presidents' names.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Can it get any more obvious?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, when you put it that way, it does kind of make sense.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: So Harrison Ford, and I like Harrison Ford, and it's good because it's nice to think that we have somebody younger as president.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think Harrison Ford's only 80, so he's on the young side.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: So he's you know, Mr.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: X.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of people would think that these are just fantastic claims, and people would be upset that you're coming out and and making these public.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, particularly somebody with something to hide.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I understand why you're concerned about getting exposed and people trying to shut you up.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: Have you been threatened or is have things happened that make you believe that you're in danger?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of stuff.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: About a year ago, I lost my job.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: They said it was because I overused my vacation days, but I'm pretty sure someone doctored those numbers.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: They just wanted me out.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: That does sound a little suspicious, doesn't it?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's uh Jeff, you know, I get around a little in the Omaha area, and we've got we have an Amazon facility here, and I I know some people that work there.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: And one of the guys I think knew you and said that you were gone a lot from work there, unless there's another Scott Brown that works.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I'm oh gosh, I shouldn't have said that.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Mr.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Scott X.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: Mr.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: X.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's me.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you just have to go where the conspiracy leads you, you know.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And besides, Amazon is probably behind all this as well.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you spell Amazon backwards, it spells Nozama, and then if you take the A off the end, it's Nozam, which is short for Mozambique.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we all know what happened there.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I know our producer is on the vacation in Mozambique because she won for winning the vote for producer.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: She's in Mozambique right now.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, I guess I didn't know what happened there.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: Has anything else happened to you that made you feel threatened?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, just last month, my wife she just completely disappeared, left without a trace.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Clothes, everything.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried to find her, but no luck.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I keep getting these warnings from some attorney that she doesn't want to be found.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: These are the kind of threats I'm talking about.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure if I just dropped my mission to undercover the truth, Janet would be back immediately.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's the kind of pressure that you're under, Scott.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, Mr.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: X, that's really amazing and impressive that you've been able to stand up for that.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm even afraid to ask because I don't know what horrible things could happen to you in the future.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: But is there anything like on the horizon, anything you're working on that's really big that that you could share with us today?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I do have something really big, and it's going to rock your world when I tell you.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, it's about impossible meat.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is really big.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's bigger than the Ronan Farrow scandal, and it's bigger than the fact that zombies are real.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that does sound big.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: I had some earlier today, in fact.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, bottom line, plant-based meat completely made up.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's meat, all right, but you're fooling yourself.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You think it's coming from plants.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Steve, I never really knew what was impossible meat anyway.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's impossible to know, really.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, well, and maybe I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but when they say impossible it's impossible to be meat, maybe they're kind of giving us a hint.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not meat, what is it?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, remember the 1973 movie, which I was named after Soilent Green.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was the movie was completely right.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're eating human flesh.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: That is a bombshell, and people don't know that.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: I probably ate some guy earlier today.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not talking about my private life.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I just for dinner.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I how did you first suspect that this was happening?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's important that you acknowledge that you ate someone earlier because that's what we have to realize that there are some victims here.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: But the way I found it, just like every great scientific discovery, it was a complete accident.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, one day I was coming home from a meeting with a group of true believers, and I was entering my apartment building.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed a smell of burgers, and that made me want to go over to Burger King and get a whopper.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: I love Whoppers.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, oh, Burger King.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, now I'm starting to get hungry, you know.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, not the impossible ones.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: I I don't have those usually, but the regular Whoppers.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: You'll get the impossible Whopper.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: Oh no, no, no.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: Now I won't.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: For sure, not going to the Burger King.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: Is that the one at the 40th and Dodge?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: Is that the one you went to?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's right next to my apartment.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can see it from my fourth floor.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I know where that is.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I walked across the street, and the smell of burgers was getting stronger and stronger and stronger.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then I saw that Burger King was closed for remodeling.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: But as I was walking back to my apartment, I noticed that right behind the Burger King was a crematory.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the smell was coming from.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's when I did the hard math.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: That is shocking.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: It is shocking.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we would all be disgusted with what we put in our bodies sometimes without knowing what it is.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, being the optimist that I am, the good news is that you're not actually eating people, so you're I mean, they're dead already, right?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not the worst thing in the world.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wish that was the case.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: But how do you think zombies became a real thing to begin with?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Impossible, you say?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And how would we know they're only using dead corpses to make our food anyway?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Jeff, that's a great point.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: We we wouldn't.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, by the time we eat them, they'd be dead.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know if they were dead before they became impossible meat.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that's how zombies are made.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, that's amazing, Mr.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: X.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: I bet all those big companies are pretty scared that you're going to expose them because this is a big industry.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: The meat industry is huge.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, they went after Oprah, so they're not going to stop with us.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: So please, no, they're going after everybody.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: They are, and and that's why I'm so careful and in constant contact with Oprah, by the way.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Tell her hi.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I always liked her.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_03: I can't say I really met her, but one day I was just walking around Chicago and this car went by and this window rolls down, and she says, Hey, is this Harrison Street?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, One more block.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: She said, Thanks.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: I realized, wait, that was Oprah.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_03: It was Oprah, it has to be directions.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like, wow.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she's like that.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, did you think when she asked where Harrison Street was that she was in on the presidential thing?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Harrison Ford?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you know, not a coincidence.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't even think of that, but Jeff, that is such a great point.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: I bet she knows about this and is and is keeping it secret because she could tell our all her viewers that everybody know, right?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: So you must feel like constantly on the run or have the runs, or both.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: If you're eating people, yeah, you probably got the runs, right?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, both, yeah.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if it's undercooked, but oh yo, yeah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: But that's why I have to be so careful.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm probably the most wanted man in Omaha, and that target is just gonna get bigger once you drop this podcast.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I may have to move.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, and or wear a bulletproof ass.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_03: Scott, I am so I mean, uh, Mr.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: X, I am so sorry.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: Where do you go from here?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: How do you get relief?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_03: How do you get out from under that that threat?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: My hope is with your millions of listeners, we can stop this insanity before we all turn into zombies.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I would certainly like to because I don't think I'd like being a zombie.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen those movies, and well, I'm kind of old and arthritic.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_03: I walk a little like a zombie, so that part wouldn't be so hard, but it's just that the eating the brains, I just that never, no, no, no, no, never appealed to me.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: And Steve, the other thing is this zombie thing, a lot of zombies don't know how to record that they've been watching our show, you know, like document because zombies, you know, they don't have that skill set.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have that skill set.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that explains why our numbers are so underreported because we have a lot of zombies that listen to the show.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, absolutely consume things.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: They are consumers, they should count consumers.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_03: I thought our numbers being off with Google Diuretics, I thought that was more a function of, you know, my mom is listening, but she has like several hundred people at the house while she's listening.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: So they're all hearing it.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: But I didn't even think of zombies, Jeff.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: That's probably the answer.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Zombies are very loyal listeners.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe part of our problem is we're not targeting our content to zombies.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: I can't think of another episode where we really paid attention to that part, a valuable part of our audience.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: I know how to bring the zombies out.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: You remember that movie, Night of the Living Dead?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I know how to bring the zombies out.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, here we go.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: They're coming to get you, Barbara.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, they're all gonna come out now.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna have millions of zombies listening.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: Gosh, Mr.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: X, I certainly hope that you are successful in getting the message out and getting the truth out to people for all our sakes.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: Probably a lot of our listeners would like to join you.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: Zombies or pre-zombies would like to join you in your cause.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: How could they get a hold of you to join?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Excellent question, Steve.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Usually they could either find me at work or at home.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: But since I got fired from Amazon, that first part could be really difficult.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want anyone to know where I live.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: Don't blame me.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe I just need to start my own podcast.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think that's a great idea.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's a great idea.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Or maybe people could come meet you at that Burger King.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, off hours.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sure.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: If it's not too busy, yeah, 40th and Dodge.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we will keep this all confidential, Jeff.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna edit out all the identifying part.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, absolutely.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna cut all that out there.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, we're gonna modify the voice.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, nobody will recognize him.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'll cut out all the times I called him Scott Brown.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: When I look back at all the podcasts we've done, this might be the most educational one that we have ever done.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I am smarter at the end of this podcast than I was when I started.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: Compliments to you.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: I imagine if I start eating impossible meat, that probably won't continue, but yeah, I'm impressed.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm taking all the impossible meat in my refrigerator and I'm giving it a decent burial.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_03: The circle of life.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: I might eat some first, though, because you know it's kind of good.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_03: So I mean I might eat some, but I'll bury the rest.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: Certainly, Mr.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: X, keep us posted on how this is going.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_03: It sounds like you know, you've got a really big job because you've got global conspiracies, and you've got a whole lot of people that don't know about these.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to inform.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're absolutely right.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just starts with one person, and we can help uncover this and get people back on track to figure out the truth to that there is not a moon, and we never went there, and that the big problems are yet to be discovered.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's more true conspiracies if you just do a little bit of digging.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and Scott, I just need to tell you, you're not alone.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's a whole lot of people that agree with you.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: They thought they made up a fake conspiracy that you know birds aren't real, and the government is replaced birds with monitoring devices, but I'm here to tell you that it actually they they aren't real, and all the birds have been replaced.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: 12 billion birds were replaced by drones, and these drones can actually multiply, they have feathers, and they make them migrate so they look like birds, right?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, that is amazing.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: I wish we had more time.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: There's just so much to learn, and it does feel like the sometimes you feel like things aren't moving fast enough that people aren't learning quickly enough.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Boy, you just read my mind.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much out there for me to tell people about, and I wish we had a two-hour show because then we could really delve deep into all these things that have been going on for the last 60 years.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Mr.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: X, if we were comedian former MMA fighters, we could have a two-hour show, but I digress.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_03: We'll get there someday and we'll have you back.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: But Mr.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: X, I I I just have to ask you one question.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: I know a lot of the listeners are probably wondering.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: You say there's no moon.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, if you go outside on a clear Oh, I thought you were gonna ask if I was single.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, sorry.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: Well, no, you I told you my wife left.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: Your wife left, so you're passing as single, if you will.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: My Tinder profile is complicated.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's complicated, yes.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: I was gonna say probably very complicated, I would think.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: But if you walk outside on a clear night, what's that thing you see in the sky?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_03: You see this big thing that most people think is the moon.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they want to think.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: Is that like a spotlight so they can monitor us at night?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Of sorts, yes.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's also all of the antidepressants in the water, making everyone hallucinate and think they see a bright spot in the sky.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: Jeff, this has been not only informative and educational, as you said, but it has been life-changing, Jeff.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna do different things because of this show.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Me too.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: But drink rain water, only rainwater.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: Grain alcohol, too, I bet, right?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for being on the show.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be paranoid.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: I promise you.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: From now on, I'm gonna be a lot more paranoid.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sign me up.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, I'm in.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the heart rate up, stay paranoid.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: You know, ladies and gentlemen, our millions of listeners, we are just about to run out of time here at Eccentric Ladyland Studios, but we have this announcer, this expensive announcer that, you know, he's doing a great job here.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: So, Johnny, take us out of the show.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: Right, Steve?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: Guests of the Steve and Jeff show stay at the splashy and technically overrated Farnum Hotel, mixing outdated tradition with deferred maintenance.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: If it ain't broke, it ain't the Farnum.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_03: Travel and a pathetically small promotional consideration provided by Mormon Air, where first class includes unlimited sparkling water.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_03: If you want to party in the sky, think Mormon.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_03: While in Omaha, guests dine at the ethnically relevant Asian fusion restaurant Fa King.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: Come taste their Fa King elegance.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: Fa King, an appropriation station brand.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: This has been a Stephen Jeff production in association with Steve's mother and Papa Vodka, the frat party favorite.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: Don't forget to subscribe to the Stephen Jeff Show on your favorite podcast streaming service.