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Transcript

Comfort vs Discomfort · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, we are going to talk parenting today and talk about the difference between comfort and discomfort in parenting.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, welcome to the Hedgebrink Inc.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: podcast.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I am in my office today.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm seeing some clients, and a snowpocalypse is about to hit apparently.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny, you know, the new the weather forecast says, ah, there's gonna be three to six inches to a foot of snow.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so then everyone loses their minds and they go to the stores and they get water and they get food and they get bread.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: And and I actually haven't done any of that.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I was just talking to my wife this morning, I was thinking, do should we go, should we go get stuff?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um and we have a well, so I think um the only thing we'd really need is water, um, because if if the power goes out, then we have nothing to um pump the well with.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: It has made me think about getting a hand pump.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um so when the you know the EMP strike happens and there's no power throughout the nation, we'll still be able to get water.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: But um until that happens or until there's a threat of that, I probably won't get a hand pump.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: But we are not here to talk about snow today.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure we'll survive like um the Midwest has survived.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's been a theme that has been coming up as I've worked with um families or in couples this week.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it is interesting in my line of work, and I don't know if it's me or if it's a combination of me working with couples and families, but a lot of times there's themes that happen.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, one theme, one week maybe centered around protectiveness, or another theme, another week maybe centered around resentfulness.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: And an interesting theme has come up this week as I've worked with couples, and it's um talking about comfort versus discomfort.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, and it's not even something I generally plan, but I just as I'm talking with parents and I'm uh talking to them about raising kids, and I'm talking to couples about how they are argue and how they fight with one another, it just seemed really appropriate this week.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to share a little bit about um comfort versus discomfort, and I think how it affects parenting and how it potentially affects um couples and relationships.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: So we all know what comfort is.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm I'm YouTube living this podcast episode, and my um definition of comfort is I have a Starbucks, or it could fill in the blank, it could be any kind of coffee company, but a uh vanilla latte with half the syrup, and it brings comfort.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I drink it, mmm, tasty.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you drink that and it tastes good, it tastes great, and that's comfort.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: But the downside of that comfort is there's a consequence to it, right?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's it's a sugary drink.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't do anything about the sugar, it goes on your hips.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And now I'm a middle-aged dad, and so I definitely have a dad bot, and so I have to watch what I eat now more than I did when I was 20.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but that's an example of comfort.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: What's another example of comfort?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, um, I just got back from a two-week vacation where we went on a cruise.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: My family, I, and 30 other relatives went on a cruise together.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then we came back, and then some of us went to Disney World.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that is that's comfort all the way, but the downside of that comfort is there was money that was expended.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what's another comfortable thing?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Some people like to um sit by a pool in the sun and read, and that's what they define as comfort.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Some people, I mean, you may have heard something called comfort food, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: So you go on Pinterest and you'll see all these luxurious uh meals that are made out of fatty, like salt, fat, chocolate, mocha, you know, all that that's all things that bring comfort to people.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like people love it, it makes them feel good about themselves.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or they just enjoy the taste of it, right?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: So there's all this stuff that our society does um to make us comfortable.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um but there, but but I would suggest that there um are downsides to comfort.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm not all I'm not suggesting that comfort is bad, but I wanna I I want to get you thinking about what you do in your relationship with your significant other or with your um kids.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Does it lean towards comfort or does it lead lead towards discomfort?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's talk about discomfort.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one of the things that that I it's really hard for me to deal with is um, and it's probably part of the reason why I work for myself.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when I worked for a boss way back when, there would be that, hey, step into my office so we can chat.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's that unknown and discomfort starts to come up.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: What does he want to chat about?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Is he am I in trouble for something?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Am I in trouble for this?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe, maybe you don't go there, but I tend to go there when someone wants to talk to me and they don't tell me what it's about.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you have a child, so I have lots of kids, seven to be exact, and you have to ground your kid for something.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't want to ground your kid, but you know, well, I gotta do it, it's the right thing to do as a parent.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so you ground your kid, um, and then say you ground them for five days, and you're two days into the grounding, and you see how things are miserable for them.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: There is a feeling of discomfort that comes in because we as parents love our kids and we want our kids to feel comfortable in life, and so then some parents will stop with the grounding and thinking they're doing a they're teaching their kid like a lesson or something.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I do sometimes encourage parents to give grace with grounding, um, but I I generally don't tell people to stop the grounding, but we stop grounding because we dislike the discomfort, or we think I don't want to be like my parents, which is an uncomfortable feeling sometimes for people.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it with your partner.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, with your partner, you avoid arguments because it's uncomfortable.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk, let's talk specifically about parenting.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I had a parent um come in, and I mean it could be any parent.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I talk to parents and and they have a child that is out of control.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And out of control could be um they ask them to do something, the child says no, and then starts yelling and screaming when some type of consequence is put onto them.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so right there is the um challenge for the parent because then your kid's uh bringing you like pushing back at you, and so you have a choice.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can either make your relationship with your kid comfortable, and by making it comfortable, you'll avoid conflict with your kid, you will give in to whatever they want, you will let them have whatever they want.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's that's comfortable.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Comfortable, in my opinion, comf comfortable, that kind of being comfortable creates dysfunction and creates pathology in relationships.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the uncomfortable thing to do in that instance with the kid would be to stick with the punishment, to provide more consequences if they're getting out of control, and to follow through on consequences and punishments that need to happen with your kids.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: That is not comfortable, but it's the thing that you need to do to teach your kid how to launch successfully.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: If you can't be uncomfortable with your kid and your parenting, generally speaking, you're not going to have a kid that launches successfully.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: I had two parents in here this last week, right in this room, right behind me on that couch, talking about their 20-year-olds who don't have jobs and who are just kind of lazing around the house.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And as I talked with the parents more, they relayed stories to me of how situations came up, and instead of doing the uncomfortable thing, they went towards comfort.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't provide consequences, they didn't provide boundaries.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not like this just starts when they're a teenager, this starts when they're really young.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: This starts like in three, four, five, and then it just doesn't get fixed, and the comfort stays there.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the idea, like, oh, I don't want to hurt Jimmy, I don't want to hurt Susie, oh, they're my little baby, they can't handle life.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if you think about that, that like creates a bubble of comfort around them.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And and again, just to be clear, I'm not saying that you need to like kick your kid out and make him experience the world and not support them.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: That that is not what I'm talking about.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: What I am talking about is that there's incremental steps you need to have help your child experience so that when they're 18, 19, 20, they are able to say, I need to go out on my own, or I'm going to college, I'm gonna get a job.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Or rather than I can't make it, mommy or daddy, please pay for my cell phone bill, please pay for my insurance, please pay for my car, please pay for this, this, and this.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: And when mom and dad step back and say, I'm not gonna pay for that, and then your 20-year-old throws a tantrum or threatens to kill themselves, you're drawn back into that comfort again.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it is hard.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the older your kid gets, the more difficult it gets to um help them experience quote unquote discomfort.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: What does this look like in a marriage?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, let's go to blended family first.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: What this looks like in a blended family is um if you have a mom and she's providing comfort to her biochildren, and you have a stepdad that is not wanting to provide comfort to the biochildren, you have a mom and dad that are going to be at odds.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Now, granted, the bio dad, the stepdad potentially doesn't love the kid in the same way that the bio mom does, but you should not just discount the stepdad simply because he wants to, he or she, you know, the stepmom wants to incorporate some discomfort in the kid's life.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: So the more comfort you bring into your kid's life, the more likely to be a little bit of a lot of people.