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How to Stay Close to Your Daughter During the Teen Years · Raising Daughters

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  Speaker 1: Hello, folks, Doctor Jordan Bank here, appreciate you stopping by
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  Speaker 1: here every week, sometimes twice a week. I put out
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  Speaker 1: a podcast that I hope is meeting your needs. And
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  Speaker 1: I think I know what your needs are because I
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  Speaker 1: work with girls in so many different ways. I counseled
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  Speaker 1: them in a counseling practice a few days a week.
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  Speaker 1: I've been running weekend retreats in summer camps for thirty
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  Speaker 1: six years. I run a group for high school girls
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  Speaker 1: every couple of weeks, So I'm with parents a lot
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  Speaker 1: as well, giving talks with my wife all over the
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  Speaker 1: country and the world for that matter. So I think
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  Speaker 1: I've heard a lot. And one of the questions I
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  Speaker 1: hear the most from parents, especially as their daughters get
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  Speaker 1: into the early middle high school years, is how can
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  Speaker 1: I remain an influence in my daughter's life throughout these
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  Speaker 1: teen years and beyond. So I wonder have you ever
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  Speaker 1: worried that your influence with your daughter is fading? Are
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  Speaker 1: you worried you'll never get it back? Do you feel
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  Speaker 1: sad that sometimes she's turning to other people, people other
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  Speaker 1: than you, for advice when she used to turn to
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  Speaker 1: you more? Do you feel sad and worried that you're
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  Speaker 1: losing your daughter. That's probably the biggest piece. Ye, you're
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  Speaker 1: actually losing her. So let me give you some suggestions
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  Speaker 1: about what you can do to remain influence, because I
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  Speaker 1: think not only can you do that, but it's so
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  Speaker 1: important for your daughter that you remained influence in her life.
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  Speaker 1: Now talk about that in this podcast. Your daughter, by
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  Speaker 1: the way, when they hit the preteen teen years, they're
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  Speaker 1: starting to go through what doctor t Berry Brecelton used
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  Speaker 1: to call a touch point. I got to train with
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  Speaker 1: doctor Breselton in Boston for a year and during my
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  Speaker 1: fellowship years a long time ago, but his touch point
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  Speaker 1: model was this, there are certain predictable periods in our
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  Speaker 1: lives when we are approaching a big leap in development.
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  Speaker 1: And when we as we're approaching that big leap in development,
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  Speaker 1: that transition, that change, we tend to fall apart. We
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  Speaker 1: tend to become more moody, out of sorts until we
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  Speaker 1: kind of work through the stage and then we're ready
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  Speaker 1: to move on to the move on from it, and
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  Speaker 1: then things settle down until the next touch point. You
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  Speaker 1: think about the terrible twos, think about when kids start school,
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  Speaker 1: We think about the middle school years, starting high school.
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  Speaker 1: After high school, you're approaching graduation from high school, when
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  Speaker 1: you're approaching your graduation from college. There are predictable times
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  Speaker 1: for kids and even for us as parents. Those are
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  Speaker 1: all touch points for us in a sense because we
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  Speaker 1: kind of go through them alongside our daughters, but also
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  Speaker 1: things like your midlife crisis when our parents pass away, retirement, menopause.
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  Speaker 1: For women, there are predictable times when things out of
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  Speaker 1: sorts for the person who is approaching a big change,
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  Speaker 1: and that's your daughter's preteen in teen years, there's that
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  Speaker 1: push pull up. I want to grow up, but I don't.
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  Speaker 1: I want to get the heck out of this boring
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  Speaker 1: town and this boring house, but I'm also scared to
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  Speaker 1: They tend to have a foot in both worlds. I
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  Speaker 1: want to grow up, I don't, And despite acting like
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  Speaker 1: they probably don't need you, they actually really do. So
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  Speaker 1: here's some pointers about how you can remain an influence.
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  Speaker 1: And by the way, I understand this is also a
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  Speaker 1: touch point for you. You may feel out of sorts
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  Speaker 1: at times trying to figure out your new role. I
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  Speaker 1: heard one time Judd Appetite, the comedian and director, said
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  Speaker 1: I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even
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  Speaker 1: Johnny Depp's kid must be like, oh my god, my
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  Speaker 1: dad with those freaking scarves. This isn't a pirate ship.
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  Speaker 1: It's costco dad. That's I think every parent has probably
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  Speaker 1: experienced something of that sort with the way that our
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  Speaker 1: kids look at us. So one of the first things
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  Speaker 1: to think about if you want to remain influences, don't
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  Speaker 1: react to their moods. It's their touch point that they're
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  Speaker 1: going through, so don't allow them to trigger us. Come
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  Speaker 1: from a place of understanding. They're going through a big
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  Speaker 1: leap in development, they're out of sorts, and they'll they'll
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  Speaker 1: get through it. But what you don't want to have
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  Speaker 1: happen is that we react to it. We get angry,
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  Speaker 1: We end up in a lot of power struggles and fights,
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  Speaker 1: and that's what happens to a lot of kids where
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  Speaker 1: they're going through touch points. It creates a lot of
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  Speaker 1: tension and arguing with their with their parents. Don't do
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  Speaker 1: it also, and this is maybe one of the biggest ones,
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  Speaker 1: be a very non judgmental listener, the kind listener who
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  Speaker 1: just listens. You don't need to fix anything, solve a problem,
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  Speaker 1: just be there, like like the like the book The
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  Speaker 1: Rabbit Listened if you ever read that book. If you
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  Speaker 1: have it, let me tell you about it really quickly.
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  Speaker 1: There's this little kid who built this nice tower, and
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  Speaker 1: these birds come in the room and knock the tower down,
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  Speaker 1: and the kid's upset, and then a series of animals come
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  Speaker 1: walking through to try and help him. The first is
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  Speaker 1: a chicken who wants to talk about it and cluck about,
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  Speaker 1: and the little boy does not want to talk about
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  Speaker 1: so the chicken walks away. Then a bear walks in,
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  Speaker 1: and a bear wants to shout and be angry, but
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  Speaker 1: the little boy doesn't really feel like being angry, so
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  Speaker 1: the bear walks off. An elephant comes in and wants
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  Speaker 1: to remember everything the way things were before. The little
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  Speaker 1: boy doesn't want to remember in that moment, a hyena
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  Speaker 1: walks in and wants to laugh about it, but the
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  Speaker 1: boy's not ready to laugh about either, and Ostrich wants
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  Speaker 1: to pretend nothing happened. That doesn't work for the boy.
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  Speaker 1: A snake wants to come in and knock down somebody
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  Speaker 1: else's art work and get revenge. A little boy doesn't
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  Speaker 1: want to do that, and then a rabbit hops in
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  Speaker 1: and just sits down next to this little boy and
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  Speaker 1: just listens. And the little boy starts opening up, and
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  Speaker 1: he talks, and he talks about his experience, how upset
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  Speaker 1: he is, and the rabbit just listens, doesn't try and
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  Speaker 1: fix anything, doesn't try and rescue him. And that made
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  Speaker 1: all the difference in the world for the silly boy.
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  Speaker 1: So if you're not a good non judgmental listener who
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  Speaker 1: can just listen to your kids without having to go
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  Speaker 1: quickly into fix it mode, then teach yourself how to
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  Speaker 1: do that. Excuse me. I heard one time this starter
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  Speaker 1: starts screeching, Dad, you haven't listened to one word I've said,
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  Speaker 1: have you. The dad turns to his daughter in a
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  Speaker 1: surprised way. He says, what a strange way to start
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  Speaker 1: a conversation with me. I e. He has not been
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  Speaker 1: present and he has not been listening. Here's another thing,
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  Speaker 1: that non judgmental part is important. I heard the story
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  Speaker 1: a while back in my counseling practice. A girl I'll
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  Speaker 1: call her Cecilia. She was a junior in high school,
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  Speaker 1: and she came home that day from school and at
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  Speaker 1: the dinner table, she told her parents that one of
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  Speaker 1: the girls in her class was pregnant, and her dad's
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  Speaker 1: first response, the first thing out of his mouth, was well,
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  Speaker 1: that doesn't surprise me. She was always kind of a slut.
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  Speaker 1: And what's to say you told me in my counseling
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  Speaker 1: office that after that happened. Was after that moment, I
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  Speaker 1: decide in my head I can never share anything important
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  Speaker 1: with my dad because of his judgments, and I especially
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  Speaker 1: can never talk about boys or sexuality. He closed that door.
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  Speaker 1: So you want your kids to come to you as
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  Speaker 1: a preteen, a teen, and beyond and forever. So make
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  Speaker 1: sure you're a good listener, a good non judgment listener.
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  Speaker 1: And by the way, you don't have to agree with
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  Speaker 1: her to be a valuable sounding board. It feels good
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  Speaker 1: just to say things out loud, even if your ideas
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  Speaker 1: and thoughts aren't all worked out yet. It's okay because
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  Speaker 1: sometimes they just need to get out and then go, oh,
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  Speaker 1: that that sounds not right, and then they kind of
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  Speaker 1: work it out themselves. It's also okay if you want
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  Speaker 1: to remain an influence in your daughter's life to be
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  Speaker 1: honest with them. I think it's okay to let them
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  Speaker 1: know you want to spend time with them, you want
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  Speaker 1: to be helpful, but you're not quite sure how it
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  Speaker 1: looks now that they are fifteen, eighteen, twenty two, whatever,
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  Speaker 1: It might look different than it used to. So you
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  Speaker 1: got to let go of how the relationship may look like,
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  Speaker 1: be open to it looking different. Let them know you
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  Speaker 1: want to spend time with them, but you want that
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  Speaker 1: time to be a want to, not a have to,
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  Speaker 1: not out of gailp out. If they want to spend
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  Speaker 1: time with you, so ask them how you want that
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  Speaker 1: time to look. It might be things like going on
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  Speaker 1: a walk where you're walking shoulders shoulders side by side,
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  Speaker 1: and sometimes it's easier and saving for people to talk
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  Speaker 1: to somebody when it's that way as supposed to looking
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  Speaker 1: at them face to face. So you find a way,
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  Speaker 1: You find a context where it feels safe and comfortable
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  Speaker 1: for her to have that time with you. It also helps,
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  Speaker 1: I think if you share your own stories, what was
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  Speaker 1: your relationship with your parents when you were their age,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't mean it has to be the exact same story.
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  Speaker 1: But a lot of times what we want through what
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  Speaker 1: they want. I'm sorry, what we went through growing up
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  Speaker 1: is not that much different than whether they're going through.
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  Speaker 1: You can talk about mistakes you think your parents may
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  Speaker 1: have made that made it harder for you to want
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  Speaker 1: to come to them, to be open with them, to
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  Speaker 1: share with them, and then that might be helpful. I
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  Speaker 1: heard one time this dad said, my daughter was wearing
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  Speaker 1: at flannel hoodie one day, So I said, hey, Han
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  Speaker 1: the nineties called and my daughter quickly responded, Yeah, that's
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  Speaker 1: because they couldn't text. So just because there's a generation
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  Speaker 1: gap doesn't mean those generations can't spend time together and
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  Speaker 1: be valuable to each other. Share your stories that humanizes you.
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  Speaker 1: Then she understands that you really could understand because you
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  Speaker 1: may have gone through something that was similar to what
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  Speaker 1: she's going through. Also, so no matter what she looks like,
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  Speaker 1: no matter what her attitude is, even if she seems
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  Speaker 1: to be a little bit put offish, if that's even
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  Speaker 1: an expression, I would just remind yourself that she does
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  Speaker 1: need you still and she wants you to remain a
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  Speaker 1: connection and an influence unless unless you've behaved badly, So
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  Speaker 1: if you've been judgmental, if you've been too controlling, if
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  Speaker 1: you have not allowed her to be treated as an
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  Speaker 1: adult that she's becoming, if you have not been present
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  Speaker 1: when you're around her, you've been distracted with your business,
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  Speaker 1: your life, your phone, your messages. You have not been
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  Speaker 1: a good, non judgmental listener. Clean it up, because if
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  Speaker 1: you remove those sorts of impediments, then there's no reason
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  Speaker 1: for her not to want to come to you. You're
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  Speaker 1: her mom, you're her dad. Remember and believe that she
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  Speaker 1: still does need you, and she does want you to
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  Speaker 1: remain an int this in her life, even if sometimes
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  Speaker 1: she seems indifferent. She's going through a lot during some
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  Speaker 1: of those touch point stages. But if you're there and
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  Speaker 1: you're a good listener and you're patient, then the time
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  Speaker 1: will come when she will want to come to you.
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  Speaker 1: Open up, share, ask questions, ask your advice. I would
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  Speaker 1: believe that because I think it's true. I've worked with
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  Speaker 1: kids and young adults and people in their twenties for
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  Speaker 1: a long time, my counseling practice, my retreats, and I
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  Speaker 1: think the overall messages, they do want a relationship with
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  Speaker 1: their parents. They want their parents to remain influence. If
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  Speaker 1: you've been behaving well, if you will, Like I mentioned before,
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  Speaker 1: so don't be that parent. Don't be that parent whose
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  Speaker 1: daughter felt like he wasn't listening. Be the parent who's
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  Speaker 1: around enough, try and create some time with them, go
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  Speaker 1: out to breakfast, take walks, have some time and nature,
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  Speaker 1: just kind of hang out time with no agenda, so
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  Speaker 1: that if she and if she wants to share something,
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  Speaker 1: then she knows you're there and the time is right.
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  Speaker 1: Last time, I'm going to say this, but I want
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  Speaker 1: you to hear this. If you've been asking yourself, is
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  Speaker 1: my daughter growing away from me? Is she wanting me
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  Speaker 1: to stay and influence in her life? Does she need
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  Speaker 1: me to remain in influence in her life? I would
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  Speaker 1: say the answer to those questions is yes, she does
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  Speaker 1: want it, she needs it. It's good for the both
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  Speaker 1: of you, it's great for your relationship, and you can
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  Speaker 1: remain an influence in her life if you follow some
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  Speaker 1: of these steps that outlined in this podcast. Thank you
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: so much for stopping by as always, and I always
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  Speaker 1: appreciate when you passes on. I bet you have lots
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  Speaker 1: of friends who are parents who also are worried about
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  Speaker 1: losing their daughters, losing their influence with their daughters. So
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  Speaker 1: this is a good one to sort of maybe share
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  Speaker 1: with them and then talk about as parents, you know, commiserate.
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  Speaker 1: It is hard sometimes because sometimes they are alop. Sometimes
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  Speaker 1: they'd want some space. Sometimes they need some space. That
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  Speaker 1: doesn't mean they don't don't at some point want to
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  Speaker 1: circle back and stay connected with you. So be patient,
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  Speaker 1: be present, be a great listener, and you will remain
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  Speaker 1: that important influence in daughter's life that I think you
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  Speaker 1: want and also the sheep wants and needs as well.
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  Speaker 1: I'll be back here with a brand new podcast and
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  Speaker 1: a new topic in a week, and so be a
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  Speaker 1: good influence, be a good listener. I'll see you back
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  Speaker 1: here in a week, and thanks so much, as always
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: for stopping by.