Latest / Terri Messenger's Genius Zone / The Art of Communication: Why People Have Affairs — and How to Heal Through Forgiveness and Emotional Freedom

Transcript

The Art of Communication: Why People Have Affairs — and How to Heal Through Forgiveness and Emotional Freedom · Terri Messenger's Genius Zone

• 0:00
  My name is Terry Messenger and I am hey, hey, hey and welcome,
• 0:08
  welcome to Terry Messenger's Genius Zone.
• 0:14
  And you know, this is the place in the space where you are going
• 0:19
  to get your own free master class.
• 0:24
  Absolutely free. The.
• 1:20
  Welcome to Age Radio Straight. It is time for one of the
• 1:23
  absolute highlights of the week. I'm going to talk it right up.
• 1:26
  This show is going to be an absolute dead set classic.
• 1:29
  I feel I've got that feeling in my bones.
• 1:31
  It is great to have everybody on board.
• 1:33
  It's a genius on here in Edge, Radio Australia and my lovely Co
• 1:37
  host, it's Terry. Terry Messenger.
• 1:39
  Don't shoot her. Don't shoot the messenger.
• 1:41
  Messenger. No, don't shoot.
• 1:42
  Oh, you might shoot me after this.
• 1:44
  After this one, we're gonna hit some controversials.
• 1:47
  You know, the subjects you talk about quietly.
• 1:50
  Yeah. Quietly.
• 1:52
  So don't have your mum in the room, yes.
• 1:55
  However, look, I do want to say I want to do a big emphasis
• 1:59
  before we bring on this absolute legend.
• 2:04
  And this is going to be a really controversial subject, but one
• 2:09
  where we always know in the genius zone that if we bring on
• 2:14
  a guest, it's because they have conquered.
• 2:18
  OK, So they they have conquered. And, you know, there are people
• 2:23
  out there suffering all sorts of different things.
• 2:26
  We've all got our own problems. We've all got our own
• 2:28
  addictions, and we all have our own cross to bear.
• 2:33
  And in this case, this particular lady who is very,
• 2:39
  very, very clever, she's a absolute incredible saleswoman.
• 2:45
  She's been in the world of influencing very high level
• 2:49
  CEOs. And so she understands the art
• 2:54
  of communication. And a part of that art, Aaron,
• 2:57
  is being very honest. So she's the queen of honesty
• 3:03
  and she is the queen of art of communication in terms of being
• 3:10
  assertive and also healing your wounds no matter what.
• 3:15
  So in this case, her experience before we bring her on is that
• 3:21
  she got caught up in a her own little scenario that she was
• 3:27
  chasing for her own gratification.
• 3:30
  So there was something missing in her life and she used this as
• 3:37
  I guess a way to fulfil a need. But she was a people pleaser.
• 3:43
  So when you're looking across the board, she was always she
• 3:46
  was that wonderful person that loves, you know, pleasing
• 3:49
  people, but she also sought out through having affairs.
• 3:54
  Well, look, being a people pleaser does make you vulnerable
• 3:58
  and we all act out in different sort of ways.
• 4:00
  So this is an interesting, I think this is a really
• 4:02
  interesting angle. This is something we don't talk
• 4:04
  about, but let's be honest, it's it is a very big part of life.
• 4:07
  It's part of a lot of people's life.
• 4:08
  So I'm looking forward to hearing more.
• 4:10
  So let's get behind the mindset of what makes us do what we do,
• 4:18
  and let's also get behind the art of assertive communication
• 4:23
  and the Ho Ho O Pono ritual that is a forgiveness method together
• 4:32
  with emotional freedom technique, which she helps other
• 4:36
  people in her life. So with no further ado, let's
• 4:40
  bring all the way from Germany the beautiful Viata.
• 4:46
  And come on down, lovely to. See you.
• 4:51
  Hello. Nice to meet you and thank you.
• 4:54
  I was never introduced as the Queen so.
• 4:59
  Hi, we are now. We are now your subjects.
• 5:01
  Check that out. Like how good's that?
• 5:03
  Yeah, you, you are the queen of honesty and communication
• 5:08
  because you know what it's like to have to face up.
• 5:13
  Now, obviously if we address the elephant in the room straight
• 5:17
  up, really, are we allowed to go and hit below the waist here and
• 5:23
  say, you know what the big issue was that you were undertaking?
• 5:28
  Or should we go back to childhood days to where you just
• 5:32
  didn't fit in? I'm not sure where we should
• 5:34
  start. Where do you think would be a
• 5:35
  good place Beata? I I think it would be a good
• 5:39
  way. So first of all, if I'm allowed,
• 5:41
  I would like to say my name one, one time.
• 5:47
  It's the right pronunciation because I I know it's a
• 5:50
  difficult name for foreign languages, but I like to, yeah,
• 5:55
  hear it one time. Oh yeah, I will give it my best
• 5:59
  shot. Go ahead.
• 6:00
  Yeah, you did your best shot. Of course you did.
• 6:02
  And we tried to learn it yesterday.
• 6:04
  So my name is Piata and Piata, Yes, correct.
• 6:11
  And I think it's. Piata.
• 6:13
  Piata. Piata.
• 6:16
  Yeah. Biata viata.
• 6:20
  Now myself, I take this very seriously because I go out into
• 6:23
  the world every day and try and teach the word Porsche.
• 6:27
  It's Porsche, not Porsche. It's Porsche, if you could say
• 6:31
  it properly. I am actually rolling the
• 6:36
  letters there because I have a a friend from her and I always
• 6:39
  rolled her name too. So biata say your last name.
• 6:44
  It is Rotoy, Sir. Rock Toy song I'll.
• 6:47
  Leave that to. You rock beautifully.
• 6:48
  Yeah, there we. Are now we've got the niceties
• 6:51
  out the way. I have to tell you from a
• 6:53
  clinical hypnotherapist point of view though, it is really
• 6:57
  important to get the person's name right, otherwise the
• 6:59
  subconscious won't listen really.
• 7:01
  True, did not know. That true story.
• 7:03
  It'll switch off. Yeah.
• 7:05
  So anyways, away you go. You were going to answer my
• 7:07
  question about where to start. Why Paris or London?
• 7:14
  I, I think it, it, it is better, it is better to start in the
• 7:18
  childhood because this leads to, to my adulthood.
• 7:23
  So when I was a child, I was always a girl who never felt she
• 7:31
  belonged. So when there was a party, I was
• 7:34
  not invited or when I was invited, I was standing behind
• 7:39
  the crowd or near the crowd, but not in, in it, let me say.
• 7:43
  And I had a real, it's not as scary, but it's a real
• 7:50
  experience. I had learned recently with a
• 7:54
  former pupil I was in school with.
• 7:56
  And he said, ah, but it was so nice you had your homework every
• 8:00
  day and I could write your homework.
• 8:04
  And I was known even in my childhood for yeah, having being
• 8:09
  the nice lady or the nice girl trying to please everyone.
• 8:14
  And this relates to my, my story.
• 8:17
  So this is yeah, what what I experienced.
• 8:22
  And I tried to fit in every time and did what I thought is right
• 8:27
  to fit in the mess other messes. So it's a, it's a need to fit in
• 8:34
  that you're sort of saying it's an insecurity.
• 8:36
  Thing it is a thing. It's not smoking cigarettes, you
• 8:39
  know, like when I was a teenager, I, I remember the, the
• 8:44
  boy that I fell madly in love with.
• 8:47
  Then I actually married him too. Can you believe that?
• 8:49
  And he smoked and I thought he was so cool and he was so super
• 8:52
  cool. So I really, really, really
• 8:54
  wanted to smoke right, Just to fit in.
• 8:56
  I don't. Get that?
• 8:57
  But I. Can't.
• 8:58
  But so people do things. Aaron, come on.
• 9:01
  Did you never do anything to fit in?
• 9:03
  No. He's so confident.
• 9:05
  Not really. I'm I'm far more of a hold my
• 9:08
  beer kind of guy or or challenge accepted, you know what I mean?
• 9:11
  Like, yeah. So I suppose that is you.
• 9:13
  Are a goody goody when you grew. Up.
• 9:15
  Yeah, sure. That's you're living your,
• 9:17
  you're you're. I reckon you're living your
• 9:18
  teenage life now, no? No, I've done a little
• 9:20
  backwards, but that's alright. That's OK, but it is interesting
• 9:23
  though. But I'll, I'll spin this the way
• 9:25
  that I, I feel it sort of said, OK, if you're insecure or you
• 9:29
  know, you don't feel you fit in, you do things to try and fit in,
• 9:32
  right? And maybe the side of it is if
• 9:34
  you are rather confident, you still want to fit in.
• 9:37
  So then you maybe do outlandish things or wild things.
• 9:40
  So what I'm getting at is no matter what personality type
• 9:43
  we've got, we just ultimately we do want to fit here.
• 9:46
  We want to be that piece of Lego that we want to go click with
• 9:49
  somebody. Yeah, but if I can say this, and
• 9:51
  I think you understand exactly where I'm coming from, because
• 9:55
  Biata is this incredible coach who has some fabulous tools in
• 10:02
  her kit to help people break from their old ways, which she
• 10:07
  has done in this way. And you know, really, there's a
• 10:13
  method where you start doing something because the
• 10:18
  subconscious mind wants to have a higher purpose.
• 10:21
  So in this case, we're talking about fitting in.
• 10:25
  Yeah, of course we are. So we want to belong.
• 10:27
  We, we want to be valued. So when we do what we think is
• 10:33
  right to fit in, then guess what?
• 10:36
  It becomes a habit. It becomes an unconscious
• 10:41
  competency where we then get stuck.
• 10:45
  But anyway, I'll let you roll out the rest of the story.
• 10:48
  Biata, I'm sure you know where this is going better than we do.
• 10:54
  Yeah. But as I listen to your short
• 10:57
  conversation, I really was thinking it's in everyone.
• 11:01
  So it's really everyone wants to fit in and as and it is not that
• 11:06
  everyone has is brought up with self self-confidence.
• 11:12
  So it is also dependent on the environment you are growing up
• 11:16
  and your parents, how they support you or hand over tasks,
• 11:20
  for example, or how what I also learned is how to celebrate your
• 11:25
  wins. So even it's a small 1 so I
• 11:27
  could celebrate my wins. For example, in the past I run a
• 11:31
  marathon, 1/2 marathon a few years ago and it was, everyone
• 11:37
  said about it, that's really great, you did a half marathon
• 11:40
  and I said, yeah, it's nothing for me.
• 11:42
  It's nothing special. I have to say it.
• 11:46
  Just comes special. You do it in your slaves.
• 11:50
  So when I started working with my mentor, I realized, OK, it's
• 11:55
  really important to celebrate small wins, wins, even if it's
• 12:00
  if you don't think it's a great achievement, celebrate small
• 12:04
  wins like. So for me, it will be I
• 12:07
  celebrate after we are finished here, I will celebrate that I
• 12:10
  did my first radio show in English.
• 12:13
  So I would have never guessed that that I will be part of a
• 12:17
  English radio you. Can have done in German,
• 12:20
  absolutely. It wouldn't be a problem there.
• 12:21
  I mean, sure, we wouldn't have had a lot of inputs, but you
• 12:24
  know, it wouldn't be a great show.
• 12:25
  We could probably still do some input, actually.
• 12:28
  You can talk underwater Arabs, and you reckon I can too.
• 12:31
  So you can always make up German.
• 12:33
  You know German. Yes, but it's not, it's not my
• 12:37
  mother tongue, so it's a more higher hurdle to go through.
• 12:42
  That in. Germany.
• 12:44
  Yes, absolutely. So obviously you are a reformed
• 12:50
  person who is a reformed people pleaser.
• 12:52
  Let's just say that. And part of being a reformed
• 12:57
  people pleaser is that you decided to get kind of hooked up
• 13:03
  for a way of a better way of saying it with having love
• 13:07
  affairs outside of your relationship.
• 13:10
  Can you talk us through that? Yes, of of course I can.
• 13:16
  So when when I was a adult, so I tried to fit in the companies I
• 13:23
  worked for. So I did also there everything
• 13:26
  for everyone. When a colleague asked for a
• 13:29
  favor, I said yes, I can do it. I can stay longer, whatever the
• 13:34
  person was asking for. But I realized some things was
• 13:38
  missing and then I thought, okay, perhaps I try to engage
• 13:45
  with men and they gave me recognition because it felt
• 13:49
  nice. I think everybody likes it when
• 13:52
  he or she gets flattered and give.
• 13:54
  It a gun? Yeah.
• 13:56
  Yeah, I think everyone can say he likes it, but then some
• 14:02
  people stop at one point and I didn't because I the first was
• 14:07
  let me say a try what will happen when I do it.
• 14:11
  And in back then my previous boyfriend didn't realize what I
• 14:18
  did. So I got yeah, I got used to it
• 14:22
  because in my relationship I didn't talk with my boyfriend
• 14:26
  about my feelings. So I started having affairs to
• 14:29
  get there. What I didn't got in the
• 14:31
  relationship and thought, OK, it would be nice, I'm appreciated.
• 14:35
  I get laughed, let me say and yeah, it was my new normal
• 14:43
  having affairs so and over the. Time it actually becomes like a,
• 14:47
  a, a normality thing. It's not just a case of, you
• 14:52
  know, you're in a relationship, you're missing this very big
• 14:58
  thing that you're not actually getting and then somebody else
• 15:03
  gives it to you. So you find yourself this was
• 15:06
  this is actually where it became a habit and addiction.
• 15:10
  Is that what you're saying? Yes, that's what I'm saying.
• 15:14
  So it's like smoking or drinking coffee or whatever you you are
• 15:20
  doing in your free time. It's similar to that.
• 15:23
  It's exactly the same habit as I think everyone has a habit which
• 15:30
  we know it's not that good for us, but we do it anyway.
• 15:36
  And I mean, let's face it, when we do something sneaky like we
• 15:39
  smoke, you know, especially if you're a teenager, well, you do
• 15:42
  something sneaky anyway, it feels.
• 15:44
  Naughty, it's kind of fun. Naughty is good.
• 15:46
  It's sort. Of I can, I mean, everybody's
• 15:49
  gonna have a different way of having fun, whether it is, you
• 15:53
  know, a little bit of a sneaky happy hour like we're having
• 15:56
  here now, you know, or, you know, So really, I mean, this is
• 16:01
  a very unique topic. And look, I have to say, kudos
• 16:06
  to you for actually being prepared to talk about it.
• 16:12
  And let's talk about now you know where you decided to can
• 16:17
  the idea of it and what you realized.
• 16:21
  And obviously, you know the fact that you are now reformed.
• 16:26
  And are you with the guy that you were actually cheating on
• 16:31
  with? OK, a lot of questions.
• 16:35
  I know right about 5. It's totally.
• 16:39
  Fine. I said I, I, I said I want to
• 16:46
  talk about the topic so I have to deal with the questions now.
• 16:51
  You open the door, OK? We just shoved our foot in
• 16:54
  there, that's all. But but I think it's a topic no
• 16:58
  one talks about. So I I'm really present or
• 17:07
  regular posting on LinkedIn and also started on Instagram and I
• 17:11
  have never seen someone talking openly about that.
• 17:14
  So I when I was ready, I just wrote a post and was thinking,
• 17:19
  Oh my gosh, what will happen? But nothing happened.
• 17:22
  So the people, they still. Can pass.
• 17:26
  That's right. Nothing happened, so the world
• 17:29
  is still alive. And so I can, I, I, because I
• 17:33
  solved the issue for myself. So to come to your first
• 17:37
  question, Terry, one day I realized, OK, what do I want to
• 17:43
  do? Is this really how I want to
• 17:45
  live in the future? Do I want to?
• 17:47
  So it's also my working life. My working life was also
• 17:51
  affected. Do I really want to work in
• 17:55
  environments where I feel I didn't belong and do I want to
• 17:58
  continue with having affairs? So this is the question.
• 18:02
  One day I asked myself, and then you can start thinking or I
• 18:09
  started thinking, OK, I have to change something.
• 18:12
  And I started working on myself. So, and this is what most people
• 18:16
  try to avoid and what I also avoided a really long time
• 18:20
  because I yeah, it's not nice to to work on yourself, let me say.
• 18:29
  But it's a little boring, but yeah.
• 18:33
  A little. Boring it sounds.
• 18:34
  Like your life's not that boring?
• 18:36
  I mean, I don't know, that could be fun to work on.
• 18:41
  Good point, yes. So you you worked on yourself.
• 18:46
  Yes, I work on myself because in the past I blamed the guy.
• 18:50
  I so, for example, I blamed the guy.
• 18:52
  It's his fault. It's his fault, yes.
• 18:56
  Well, here comes one of my great comments as far as I say this so
• 18:59
  often and I get I'm told I'm misogynist about this, right?
• 19:02
  OK, the man who surrounds themselves with wonderful women.
• 19:05
  But never mind, here is my problem and I'm going to lay it
• 19:08
  out here. A bit of honesty here.
• 19:10
  So many I would say almost all women, definitely most women
• 19:15
  completely fail self responsibility and
• 19:17
  accountability. That's the truth.
• 19:20
  And most women blame men for all their.
• 19:22
  Generic. Thing I'm well, I'm taking it to
• 19:25
  the grave, that's how I'm. Taking that.
• 19:27
  To the I've lived long enough. That's a generalisation.
• 19:29
  And I, and I love a good generalisation you do, but it's,
• 19:33
  but I, I just wish women would be more accountable and I don't
• 19:36
  want to be. It's certainly not an attack on
• 19:37
  you, it's just a reality that unfortunately blame the man is
• 19:41
  the often the default setting. But we all do it though, Aaron,
• 19:46
  'cause you think about it, right?
• 19:48
  Yeah, You know, it's a normal thing.
• 19:50
  You either blame yourself or you look for blame.
• 19:54
  I don't know what it is about human beings, but we need to
• 19:57
  have a why? Why did that happen?
• 19:59
  I agree. And we need to have a blame, a
• 20:03
  blame game, you know? Yeah.
• 20:05
  Who can I blame? But this is a different society
• 20:08
  when we change things and when you grow as a person, like
• 20:11
  personal growth means guess what, pick up the mirror and
• 20:13
  have a look and then look at your behaviour and and make the
• 20:17
  adjustments. And a lot of people just will
• 20:18
  never, ever pick up that mirror. But you know, the fact is that
• 20:21
  this is where Biata has done this.
• 20:24
  Because when you pick up the mirror and you look at yourself
• 20:28
  and you go, wow, wow, look at me, yuck.
• 20:32
  Or, you know, when you look, when you actually look at
• 20:36
  yourself and you take on that role of responsibility.
• 20:41
  And I think this is probably one of the first breakthroughs you
• 20:44
  may have had where you asked yourself all those right
• 20:48
  questions. So do you feel there was a part
• 20:53
  in that little segment of working on yourself where you
• 20:56
  actually found that you had to take responsibility?
• 21:02
  Just to add to my extra lot of questions.
• 21:11
  I, I don't know when this happened, so there was no
• 21:14
  particular reason why I started questioning myself.
• 21:20
  There was yeah, I, I, I can't recall a specific situation or
• 21:25
  something like that. Maybe it, it happened too
• 21:27
  quickly. So over the time also my job
• 21:30
  switches were getting closer and closer.
• 21:36
  And this was the reason I thought, OK, this is I, I have
• 21:40
  to look at myself because I, I also blamed often the company
• 21:44
  that it didn't work out so. You went to break.
• 21:49
  So you are very popular at office parties.
• 21:51
  Gotcha. OK, no worries.
• 21:53
  No, the guy I tease and I don't want to be that guy.
• 21:57
  Actually, I want to compliment you.
• 21:59
  The fact that you are sitting here right now having this
• 22:01
  conversation means you've done the growth.
• 22:04
  That means you've questioned yourself.
• 22:05
  So it's certainly not pointed that way.
• 22:07
  It's actually admiration because most people will not do it.
• 22:11
  Yeah. So you're reformed?
• 22:13
  Yes. Thank you.
• 22:14
  Yeah. And this also shows me OK,
• 22:17
  because as it is not so nice to talk about topic, I also played
• 22:22
  myself. Of course I blame myself for
• 22:24
  doing it. But when I started questioning
• 22:26
  myself and I started to work with a mentor, I learned
• 22:30
  specific techniques. And I think Terry, this was also
• 22:33
  part of one of your questions what helped me to overcome this
• 22:38
  situation. So I learned how my my mentor
• 22:42
  first introduced me to The Who I'm sorry, I.
• 22:46
  Openo, Openo. Maybe some someone is listening
• 22:52
  who can't pronounce it correct the.
• 22:53
  Hawaiian ritual. Actually.
• 22:56
  We thought it was Maddie, didn't we?
• 22:57
  We thought it was a New Zealand thing.
• 22:59
  But it's a OPA Ono. Yeah, it's very difficult to
• 23:04
  say, but it is a ritual in Hawaii with forgiveness, about
• 23:10
  forgiveness and there are 4 stages of it.
• 23:13
  Would you like to take us through the questions that?
• 23:17
  We are so first before you. Of course, the most important
• 23:22
  thing is you have to be open for that because I also practices
• 23:27
  with my clients and when you are not open for it, it can't help
• 23:32
  you. So this is the most thing.
• 23:34
  You have to be curious and you have to answer the questions and
• 23:38
  then be open to go through the ritual.
• 23:41
  So first thing is you answer specific questions.
• 23:44
  So who? Whom do you want to forgive for
• 23:47
  for example, so you name a person you want to forgive.
• 23:51
  It can be another person or yourself.
• 23:54
  And then you say for what situation?
• 23:57
  So we we we do it on example. I think most people can relate.
• 24:02
  You had a bad conversation at with your one of your Co
• 24:08
  workers. So you say OK, name is whatever.
• 24:12
  I had a discussion with my Co worker where I said something I
• 24:20
  didn't want to say or he played me for something for example.
• 24:24
  And then you think about OK, how much does it weight on my
• 24:30
  shoulder? So you put in, you say, OK, it
• 24:35
  weighs 100 kilograms or 1000 or whatever to give it a weight
• 24:41
  that you are aware of how heavy that is.
• 24:44
  And then you start the ritual and you go through 4 phrases.
• 24:51
  It's the phrases are I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
• 25:01
  And I love you. And you do this several times
• 25:06
  and you go deeper and deeper. And also there is a song about
• 25:11
  this. I told Terry about it.
• 25:13
  I can't listen to this song. I've got to play it on the radio
• 25:17
  after this. Tell tell Aaron what happens
• 25:22
  whenever you listen to it. So what song is it?
• 25:25
  You don't. Well, maybe you don't have to
• 25:26
  tell me. It's up to you.
• 25:27
  The song is from the Aramid Aramid.
• 25:31
  I don't want to miss a thing. Don't want to miss a thing.
• 25:34
  No it's not. Don't want to miss this thing.
• 25:38
  Because every time I hear that song, I just want to cry because
• 25:40
  I hate it so much. Yeah, It makes me feel ill.
• 25:43
  So OK. No, it's another song, all
• 25:45
  right. Yeah, so, so this song is called
• 25:48
  Pono Pono from the Emmett Sisters.
• 25:51
  So you are a radio station. I think you will find it.
• 25:57
  Might be a bit of a hunch. He's curious.
• 25:58
  Man. Yeah, apparently, yeah, Biata
• 26:02
  cries every time she hears it. So yes, it's just, but it's
• 26:06
  obviously, it obviously triggers you.
• 26:09
  Yeah. And that that is a very
• 26:12
  relevant. So for those listeners out
• 26:14
  there, if you've written down this, this is this is a
• 26:17
  methodology and it's a very powerful methodology.
• 26:21
  And that brings me to, you know, speaking about like you are what
• 26:26
  I call very congruent. You know, one thing with NLP,
• 26:32
  they say that when people are suffering, usually if you want
• 26:37
  to generalise, I do it's it is incongruence.
• 26:42
  You are incongruent about something.
• 26:44
  So you're not think something's not quite lining up.
• 26:48
  And the fact that you've owned this and the fact that you are
• 26:54
  speaking about it is not only congruent, but you know, there's
• 26:59
  that element too that I believe we need to share here with
• 27:03
  viewers because it might not be their addiction in terms of
• 27:08
  this, but I'm sure there's everybody's out there has got an
• 27:11
  addiction, but it's also being accountable.
• 27:14
  Do you want to talk us through that?
• 27:16
  So being accountable and being assertive.
• 27:20
  There I go again with my two questions.
• 27:22
  So whichever one comes first, roll away.
• 27:29
  So the most most important thing is you have to be aware of your
• 27:34
  patterns. So it it is not, you can't
• 27:38
  change yourself, let me say overnight.
• 27:41
  So today I decide I don't want to be this lady anymore.
• 27:45
  I want to change something in my life.
• 27:47
  It takes time and you really have to be aware when do you do
• 27:52
  specific things and what can you do instead.
• 27:57
  So for me it also it was not that I did the whole Pono Pono
• 28:01
  and then everything changed after that, but it changed my
• 28:07
  inner, inner feeling and how I want to act in the future.
• 28:13
  So I sat also down and journalized the journaling and I
• 28:18
  realized, OK, which patterns trigger trigger me a what can I
• 28:22
  do when there is the need to seeking attention on the
• 28:28
  outside? And it is really, it's small
• 28:32
  steps, because I'm also not the person who is Yeah, I, I, I'm a
• 28:41
  far I I want fast results, but in.
• 28:43
  This. Regard it's not possible so it
• 28:46
  really takes time and it's small steps and sometimes you are
• 28:50
  going back. For example, when I had my last
• 28:53
  affair, at one point I said OK, I don't want to have contact
• 28:58
  with this guy anymore. I wrote him a message saying I
• 29:02
  don't want to have contact contact anymore.
• 29:05
  Two days later he contacted me again and then I it took me
• 29:09
  really a long time to block him. Yeah, but OK, honestly, is a
• 29:14
  text really a rejection? Come on, You know, it's a soft
• 29:17
  way of doing it. I just actually want to make
• 29:19
  attention to Lisa, who's come up with a fantastic.
• 29:22
  Question. Here, and and this is to do with
• 29:24
  the particular program that you guys were talking about, the one
• 29:27
  I'm not even going to attempt to pronounce.
• 29:30
  Now, can this patent be repeated through a person's lifetime?
• 29:33
  I think it's a great question. Thanks.
• 29:34
  Yes, yes. So yeah, you, you've got that
• 29:38
  question. I, I tend to feel that, you
• 29:43
  know, patterns can and are repeated over lifetimes.
• 29:47
  In fact, they even get passed down through generation.
• 29:51
  And I'll hand over to you in a minute, Biata.
• 29:54
  My personal thoughts as a person who does a lot of timelining is
• 29:59
  that yes, they are definitely something that that can sit
• 30:05
  there dormant. However, if what you've done
• 30:08
  like what biata's done and you do the work and you release it,
• 30:13
  especially when you're releasing it in such a way that you're
• 30:17
  removing it from the subconscious mind, you don't
• 30:21
  relate to it anymore. It's like, you know, I quit
• 30:24
  smoking when I was 22 years old. So how old was I when I started?
• 30:28
  And the the fact is that, you know, thank God, you know, it
• 30:33
  felt very soon after like I'd never smoked a day in my life.
• 30:38
  And that's, that's really what needs to be done.
• 30:41
  But the question I would have that would help Lisa and also
• 30:45
  Biata, is did you have to face what it was that you were
• 30:52
  searching for that triggered that pattern?
• 30:56
  So in other words, if you were missing, if the guy, for
• 31:00
  example, was giving you a special feeling, you know what I
• 31:04
  mean? Like he was fulfilling something
• 31:07
  deep within you that you lacked. I've had girls give me that
• 31:10
  special feeling. They keep us.
• 31:13
  You know what I mean? I do.
• 31:16
  Did you need to do that? Was that part of the process?
• 31:20
  Yes, that's part of the process because when you do something
• 31:25
  it's like we, we, I think it's a, it's a good comparison like
• 31:29
  smoking, you have a feeling when you grab your cigarette, there
• 31:34
  is a specific feeling why you want to smoke at that moment.
• 31:37
  And it's really important to find out what your emotions in
• 31:43
  that situation is and what is your need behind that.
• 31:49
  Because maybe you smoke while you are bored, for example.
• 31:53
  Then you can ask yourself, ah, I'm bored, what do I need?
• 31:57
  I need some excitement. Let me say the excitement is for
• 32:02
  some cigarette. But you can also do better
• 32:05
  things than smoking. If you need some excitement, you
• 32:08
  can go for a walk, for example, if that excites you.
• 32:11
  So it's really and a lot of people or where I grew up,
• 32:16
  emotions were not that. We talked about it in my family.
• 32:24
  If for example, when I was a child and I cried, my parents
• 32:29
  said, OK, no need to cry, just get over it.
• 32:33
  And I said to Terry, am I lied to say it here?
• 32:37
  Yes, she said. Yes.
• 32:39
  Get the shit done. Can I ask a little clarification
• 32:48
  here 'cause and this is actually twofold now Lisa's question, can
• 32:52
  the pattern be repeated through a person's lifetime?
• 32:54
  Now, I was thinking of that from the, the, the pattern of, of
• 32:57
  going through the process of, of reconciliation with yourself
• 33:00
  effectively. I see.
• 33:01
  But was I, I, I wanna, I'd love to ask if Lisa can clarify that.
• 33:05
  Are we talking about the repeating the actual process of
• 33:08
  the, of the habit? Is that is that?
• 33:11
  Is that what you suggested? Like you're asking whether Lisa
• 33:13
  means repeating the habit itself, All the actual
• 33:18
  methodology like the. Technique.
• 33:19
  Yeah, that's. One thing.
• 33:21
  So yeah, let's see if if Lisa comes back I I believe that you
• 33:29
  can never work on yourself enough.
• 33:32
  So once you do, you may find that there's always layers.
• 33:36
  So underneath the layer that you deal with, there'll be another
• 33:39
  layer. And you know, it's a matter of
• 33:44
  being able to. Yes, if that was the question,
• 33:47
  you can. And I would highly recommend
• 33:50
  that you use the one technique for as many things as you want
• 33:56
  to use it for. And that's the beauty of it.
• 33:59
  But can we just kind of sidestep for a second here just because
• 34:03
  we're running out of time onto the emotional freedom technique
• 34:09
  and how this helps, you know, our listeners, if they've got
• 34:15
  problems with anger or they have got problems with some
• 34:19
  emotional, you know, when you suddenly get really peeved off
• 34:22
  with someone that they've ticked you off, you know, oh, my
• 34:25
  goodness. And you just.
• 34:27
  And then you're thinking about it and thinking about it and
• 34:29
  thinking, you ever, ever have that I just.
• 34:31
  And then you and then you start making up big movies and then
• 34:33
  next thing you know, it's like a box office smash.
• 34:36
  Yeah. It's like you're reading my mind
• 34:38
  right now, but there we go. So we make things bigger than
• 34:42
  Ben heard. That's what I'm saying.
• 34:44
  So Viata, are you able to take us through, you know, just
• 34:47
  because we're obviously radio, so we they can't see us, We're
• 34:51
  not going to ask for a demo. But you know.
• 34:55
  You know how it works and what emotional freedom technique is
• 34:59
  all about, and you know how you help your clients with it.
• 35:03
  Yes, of course. So as as I said, it's important
• 35:07
  to recognize our feelings and of course when you start
• 35:13
  recognizing your feelings, you also start to recognize I have
• 35:17
  bad feelings too. It's not that I always in a fun
• 35:22
  mode. So when you realize a bad
• 35:25
  feeling, like Terry said, anger, for example, you, it's important
• 35:31
  to accept this feeling. The emotional freedom technique.
• 35:34
  It's not that you avoid anger or negative emotions, it's that you
• 35:40
  accept the feeling and transfer it into a positive emotion that
• 35:45
  you can go forward and learn from from that negative feeling.
• 35:52
  So it's a technique. You do 3 rounds and you name the
• 35:59
  feeling. The first thing is naming the
• 36:02
  feeling and then you say OK on a scale from one to 10, how how
• 36:09
  much affects me this feeling. For example, if I'm angry, I
• 36:13
  give it a 9 because when I'm angry I'm really angry.
• 36:18
  It's not that I'm a little bit angry, I'm really angry.
• 36:21
  So I say OK. It's doing well.
• 36:26
  Then it starts with closing your eyes and then you start tapping
• 36:33
  on your collarbones, the crown of your head, above your
• 36:37
  eyebrows, your nose and some other body parts.
• 36:42
  You tap them. It helps you to regulate the
• 36:44
  nervous systems. And while you are tapping you
• 36:47
  say specific sentence. So it changes from round to
• 36:52
  round. So first you say OK even if I'm
• 36:55
  angry I laugh and accept myself. And you do this tapping while
• 37:00
  you are speaking this sentence. And then for in round two, you
• 37:06
  start changing the negative emotion into a +1.
• 37:09
  And in the last round you say, OK, I'm I'm no matter what, I
• 37:18
  choose happiness and I feel lightness.
• 37:22
  I'm free, for example. So and it's really for me, it's
• 37:26
  also really good technique when I'm angry.
• 37:29
  Normally I take it with me for the next few days to stop this,
• 37:33
  to break the cycle because then you can use your energy for
• 37:37
  positive stuff and not the blaming other people for your
• 37:42
  situation. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
• 37:46
  It's. So good.
• 37:47
  Great regulation too, for the nervous system.
• 37:50
  You know, you're, you're regulating your nervous system,
• 37:53
  you, you're basically doing self acupuncture and it does work.
• 37:57
  I can tell you it does work. I actually really underestimated
• 38:02
  it to, you know, to be honest, I don't know why, but I
• 38:06
  underestimated it. But you know, it's you.
• 38:09
  What you've just said is beautiful because, yes, you've
• 38:12
  got to face up to it, you know, get with the program.
• 38:16
  This is what I'm feeling. But even though I'm feeling
• 38:21
  this, and you may start off with a karate chop, usually they say
• 38:25
  the karate chop. Yeah.
• 38:27
  So even though I'm feeling this and this and this and this, and
• 38:32
  then you go to the top of the head and you work your way down,
• 38:37
  I truly love and accept myself. And by actually tapping through
• 38:42
  the meridians, the specific meridians and you can look them
• 38:46
  up and totally advise to do that.
• 38:52
  But you know, to really conclude, because I think we,
• 38:55
  we, we're ready to wrap up here. Gosh, time flies when you're
• 38:58
  having fun. And I just want to really bring
• 39:01
  to the, you know, essence of what you do, the art of
• 39:06
  assertive communication. And I mean, you are assertive by
• 39:10
  the fact that you've been able to own what you do and say.
• 39:14
  Well, that was then. This is now.
• 39:17
  Talk to me through talk to us through Talk to the listeners
• 39:22
  about why and how we can become more assertive with our
• 39:27
  communication and why it's so important.
• 39:32
  Yeah. So it means to also talk about
• 39:36
  the negative things, so not to avoid negative conversation.
• 39:40
  So I always say to my clients, because one wanted to start a
• 39:45
  conversation with, ah, it's really nice that we meet today.
• 39:49
  And it was not that she was about conversation.
• 39:54
  And I said to. Her if that is that really what
• 39:58
  you want to say? Do you feel that a nice
• 40:01
  conversation? And she said no, she is nervous
• 40:04
  about the conversation. And I said please go into the
• 40:07
  conversation saying I'm nervous because of this and that.
• 40:11
  So for me it's most become aware of your emotions and your needs
• 40:16
  and tell the other person I need this and that or I have to
• 40:21
  cancel. For example, with friends, if
• 40:23
  you have to, if you don't want to meet in the evening, don't
• 40:27
  say I have a headache when you don't want to join, you can, if
• 40:31
  it's true friends, you can say, today I want to relax on my
• 40:36
  couch and don't meet And they will understand.
• 40:39
  And it really helps you to grow. Also the environment you want to
• 40:43
  be in, because negative people will go, therefore new people
• 40:48
  will come. And I also realized this because
• 40:51
  I, I say, OK, not this evening, maybe another time, but I want
• 40:56
  to be for myself today. So it's and, and, and it's also
• 41:01
  you can set. I also speak about that really
• 41:05
  often. You can set boundaries for
• 41:06
  yourself and being kind. It doesn't mean that you have to
• 41:10
  be harsh setting a boundary. You can really be saying, OK,
• 41:15
  not today, maybe tomorrow or I can't take over this task right
• 41:20
  now. Please give it, we can talk
• 41:23
  about this next week or whatever.
• 41:26
  And for me, it's really helpful to have some of these phrases at
• 41:31
  hand. So in case someone is asking you
• 41:34
  have the phrase at hand because it also takes practice.
• 41:38
  It's all about. It's.
• 41:39
  Great to say that. How often do we do it though?
• 41:44
  We make up a fake excuse because we just don't want to do it
• 41:46
  right. Whereas and when you've got your
• 41:49
  really close friends particularly, you can say, hey,
• 41:53
  no, just not tonight. I'm just I'm.
• 41:55
  Knackered or you know, I can't. It's not my gig.
• 41:57
  I don't want to do it. Yeah, You know, I mean, if you
• 41:59
  really want to be that way. I mean, I've got a daughter
• 42:03
  who's like, like that and everybody thinks she's, you
• 42:06
  know, very, you know, right field, left field, whichever
• 42:09
  way. But it's because she says what
• 42:12
  she, she says what's on her mind.
• 42:15
  And you know, it's, I guess it's the line.
• 42:19
  But I'm hearing what you're saying because it's the practice
• 42:23
  art of being honest, which is why I called her the Queen of
• 42:27
  honesty there. You go and there you go Yeah, I
• 42:31
  actually like this fact, OK. I like the fact that you.
• 42:34
  This is what I take from this very much so you can reinvent
• 42:38
  yourself. It's OK to do so.
• 42:39
  Yeah, it is OK to close I. Do it every morning.
• 42:42
  To you, really. There you go.
• 42:43
  I'm a different person every day.
• 42:44
  Didn't you notice every time I walk?
• 42:45
  Here such as a guy has been married a couple of times.
• 42:48
  I've got a great line of three on this, but I'm not going to go
• 42:50
  there. No, I think I think you can.
• 42:54
  We go through different phases of life.
• 42:57
  All right, look, yeah, why would you want a wife who's bipolar?
• 43:00
  Like she's got enough personalities anyway.
• 43:02
  But no, the it's but you are able to go through the different
• 43:06
  stages of your life and leave the old one behind.
• 43:09
  And maybe if you don't, if you didn't morally or emotionally or
• 43:13
  whatever, like want to be attached to that life anymore,
• 43:18
  yeah, then dump it. Okay, yeah, okay, Ghost it.
• 43:21
  Move a. New personality and have a new
• 43:24
  reality. Yeah.
• 43:25
  So you've got to change your reality.
• 43:28
  And it's not about changing your values because your values
• 43:32
  really what we're doing, I believe, is we're getting closer
• 43:35
  and closer all the time. So your subconscious mind, for
• 43:38
  example, Biata thought that you were getting closer when you
• 43:43
  were doing what you were doing in that addiction cycle, you
• 43:46
  know, seeking out other men and things like that.
• 43:50
  But then when you discovered what it was that was missing,
• 43:54
  you know, that turned everything around.
• 43:57
  And I do have to say that's that's pretty, pretty amazing if
• 44:01
  you ask me. Pretty well.
• 44:02
  Here's my here's my opinion. And this has been far too
• 44:05
  productive. We've been far too positive.
• 44:07
  I wanted to talk about the naughty stuff and I've missed
• 44:09
  out. Oh.
• 44:10
  He wanted to get into the nitty gritty.
• 44:14
  So are you gonna come back on the show again and give us the
• 44:16
  Nitty Grittys? Yeah, yeah.
• 44:18
  If I'm invited to another show, very well, I go, of course.
• 44:24
  We will come in and we'll just go on straight on the attack
• 44:27
  from the word go. It'll be fantastic.
• 44:28
  Not great for your emotions, but otherwise great.
• 44:30
  You know, I really appreciate it and I tease me, joke about these
• 44:34
  things, but to show up is a big part of it.
• 44:37
  And to show up and to own your shit, yes.
• 44:42
  Good. On you.
• 44:43
  And and may I just add to that? Too that you can understand that
• 44:49
  with this kind of very sensitive topic.
• 44:52
  No, you don't have to contact Biata to go into a big program
• 44:57
  where everybody admits that they are a serial, you know, having
• 45:02
  love affairs. You can contact her directly,
• 45:06
  personally, privately and confidentially and overcome it.
• 45:11
  And then guess what? You can then be a legend like
• 45:16
  Biata. Speak your truth.
• 45:18
  And yeah, yeah, absolutely. I was gonna say come out of the
• 45:21
  closet. But that wasn't no.
• 45:23
  No, no, that was not what. I meant now during the show.
• 45:26
  I've actually. Seen that a lot of.
• 45:27
  Comments have been coming in actually from other platforms
• 45:30
  which we sadly can't see. So if I can recommend to people
• 45:33
  that the platforms come through mostly is good on YouTube.
• 45:36
  So if you subscribe and you like there and lots of do all the the
• 45:39
  YouTube things, that is a great way of getting your conversation
• 45:42
  apart through and also it's a great way of having a fake alias
• 45:46
  too. If you want to ask questions,
• 45:47
  you're not comfortable. That's true.
• 45:48
  Yeah, yeah. But.
• 45:50
  Yeah, just because it's this. Always these fascinating
• 45:52
  questions that I find later during the week that have come
• 45:55
  through channels we can't see. So yeah, sticking to the biggies
• 45:58
  through Facebook and YouTube is the best because quite frankly,
• 46:01
  it's there forever. It's it's not like 30 days with
• 46:05
  Facebook. That's right.
• 46:06
  And we will. Be updating this This will go to
• 46:11
  the podcast Junior Zone Friday night and edge radio for the
• 46:18
  pizza reheat are we reheat the pizza we're still eating the
• 46:21
  pizza I. Don't even wanna reheat, I just
• 46:23
  wanna eat it cold. Oh.
• 46:24
  No, you are cold pizza. No, you.
• 46:26
  Wanna Rose? No.
• 46:27
  Yes, I am. We used to be friends.
• 46:28
  No, that's. Not really.
• 46:30
  I'm gonna get you to test it out.
• 46:31
  You can check it. In the air fryer.
• 46:33
  Come on. What are you?
• 46:34
  Are you? He knows I've got an air fryer.
• 46:36
  Yeah. Hey, Bianna, thank you so very
• 46:39
  much. I just, you're amazing and yeah,
• 46:43
  thank you for your absolute pleasure.
• 46:45
  Thank you so much for being part of.
• 46:47
  The show here. Now what is the name of the
• 46:49
  show? I almost said something silly
• 46:50
  there. The genius zone here on edge.
• 46:53
  Radio Australia. Show where we have.
• 47:04
  Explored through this various topic, along with all the
• 47:10
  exciting new topics that we bring every week to enhance your
• 47:16
  personal mastery of excellence. Now, I'd love you to do me a
• 47:21
  favour, in fact, be part of the legacy 1,000,000 that I have in
• 47:28
  the vision for 2028. If you know someone who really
• 47:34
  would benefit from this recording from this episode,
• 47:40
  please share, share it with them.
• 47:43
  And when you subscribe, you get notified every week of our
• 47:50
  episode as soon as it drops. So let's do that legacy thing,
• 47:57
  let's share, let's care, let's enrich, and I look forward to
• 48:03
  bringing you another week of the most enriching content.
• 48:08
  So until next time, stay inspired, stay awesome, and keep
• 48:14
  on mastering your excellence.