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Diva Mia: Emotional Availability in Dating More Imporant than EQ · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real and powerful.
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No filters, no limits. Just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
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Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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Well, hello. This is Diva Mia. Today, we're going to talk a little bit about
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emotional intelligence and being emotionally available.
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So there's a difference. A person can be completely emotionally intelligent,
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but still emotionally unavailable.
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And I've been seeing that a lot more. Now, a lot of people have talked on dating
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apps that, you know, they're looking for someone that has emotional intelligence.
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It's also known as EI.
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I've seen it as EQ as well. I've seen emotional intelligence talked about a
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lot, but I don't see a lot of people talking about emotional availability.
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And it's more important than emotional intelligence, I think,
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because if someone's not even open to a relationship, what are you doing?
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So one of the things is emotional intelligence is just the ability to recognize
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and manage your own emotions.
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So when you're talking to someone, they are not flying off the handle when you
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question them, or they are not getting upset every time somebody says something about them.
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And they also have the ability to empathize with other people.
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They're also typically really good in social situations, and they're able to
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handle their being themselves. They're able to handle their stress levels.
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They're able to handle their personality. They're self-aware. They self-regulate.
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So a person that's emotionally intelligent is just emotionally mature.
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I think that EI has been so popular because of the fallacy of toxic masculinity and toxic femininity.
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And the reality is that those people just don't have emotional intelligence.
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And so overall, we're not talking about toxic anything. We're talking about
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emotional intelligence.
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So emotional intelligence is extremely important. It determines whether or not
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a person flies off the handle or whether they can have a decent conversation with a person.
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Emotional intelligence is important in relationship, but I'm a firm believer
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that emotional availability is so much more important.
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And when a person comes out of a divorce or they've had a long marriage or a
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long relationship or they've had a spouse die and they're on their own,
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a lot of people go in multiple different directions.
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For one, they might lose their identity. And I know this happens to a lot of
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women because a lot of women wrap their identity up in their partner.
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And when there is a loss of that partner in one way or another,
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they lose their identity.
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And it's really hard for some women to find their way back.
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So emotional availability for a woman that doesn't have an identity,
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she's not emotionally available yet.
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She's searching for her identity in someone else instead of searching for her identity in herself.
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So that's a person that's not emotionally available yet, and that person still
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needs to do work on themselves.
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The other thing that can happen is, and this happens a lot, it happens to men
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and to women, is that you compartmentalize what occurred, and it's kind of like a trauma response.
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Instead of facing what you went through,
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deciding how you went through it and how you're going to handle what you went
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through. Some people don't want to go to therapy.
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Some people don't want to handle their emotions. And so they just compartmentalize
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it and they put it in a little silo, if you will.
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And the problem with that is then they kind of wall themselves off from another relationship.
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And when they do so, the next time they try to get involved with somebody that
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has emotional availability and is willing to open themselves up and be vulnerable, they can't do it.
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And they make excuses and they come across a little bit as cold.
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And when you're trying to work with somebody that is not emotionally available,
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it's a dead end situation. It's not going to work.
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Relationships require people to be vulnerable. And it also requires people to
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have a willingness to be open.
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And if you're not going to be open and honest with someone and tell them what's
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going on, there's no emotional availability.
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And there has to be mutual emotional investment. It can't just be one-sided.
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What will happen in a one-sided relationship is one person is going to feel
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like they're giving, giving, giving, and the other person is going to take,
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take, take, and that is not emotional availability.
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Now, sometimes that happens in narcissistic relationships, but it just happens
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sometimes when people are just traumatized from their last relationship.
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And the thing is, is people say time heals all wounds, but here's the thing.
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Doesn't. Because there are people that in a year will be emotionally available
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because they do the work.
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And then there's people that 10 years later haven't done the work.
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They just compartmentalized and they're still not emotionally available.
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So you're going to find people that are really aggressive at doing the work
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and take internalizing and resolving any issues they have.
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Those are the people that are emotionally available.
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And the ones that just kind of ignore it and put it away, they're probably not.
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So when you get in that relationship with them, they're going to bring all that baggage with them too.
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And that's the problem. I remember speaking to my therapist.
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I said, do most people that you see heal from divorce? And she said,
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some do, some don't. She said, most people don't want to heal.
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Most people will show up for therapy for a few sessions, think that they're
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healed, and then they take all that baggage into their next relationship,
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and they just kind of throw up all over the next relationship.
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And that's not a good way to have a relationship.
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So healing is a process. And I know people have told me that I seem like I'm
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healed, and I think I'm doing pretty darn good.
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But I think there's still some things I want to tweak in my personality.
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It's a process. And I ended up, when I got divorced,
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I dove headfirst into healing
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and I went to therapy sessions every week and
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I also went to energy healing every week which was
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more like a Reiki and I also went to
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divorce coaching which was an intensive program with multiple coaching sessions
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a week and I dove headfirst because I have children and I did not want to stay
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broken or messed up for long I needed to get back on the horse and heal myself
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just for my kids if for nothing else.
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And because I did so much intensive work, I feel like that helped me come out the other side faster.
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And a lot of people will just ignore it and ignore their feelings and try to
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push them down into their soul.
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And they bubble back up just when you least expect it.
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You may think, oh, I'm healed. And then you'll start to cry for no reason.
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Or they'll say, oh, I'm healed. and then you go into a relationship with them
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and they get very mad at you for
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just asking questions or questioning why they're treating you so badly.
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Because here's the other thing, in every relationship, not one person owns all
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the responsibility or the fault for the problems.
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No matter what happened, no relationship's perfect and both sides own their
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part in why the relationship broke up. and you got to take on that responsibility
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and be accountable for your part in that relationship.
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So emotional availability, you can't be available until you've addressed your
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issues and everybody's got issues.
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Here's the, everybody has issues. I don't care who they are.
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And if you're not willing to address them or work on yourself,
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you're not going to be ready for another relationship. And I say this earnestly.
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It's so very, very important that you hear me that you really need to do the work.
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And some people say, well, I don't need to go to a therapist.
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I can do it myself. And here's the thing. You really can't.
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This is one of those things that's traumatic, that it may be time for you to
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just go and talk to someone and find a good one. Don't just take any therapist.
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I went through multiple therapists because the first one I went to,
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after like the third or fourth session, she was telling me more about her divorce
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than I was telling her about mine. And I felt like I was her therapist.
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So you need someone that's going to listen to you. and then it's going to offer
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suggestions and ask you questions as to why you behaved a certain way or why
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you responded when someone triggered you.
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Okay, or why you didn't leave earlier. I mean, that was the question I got.
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So there are reasons we don't, and we need to address those reasons,
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and then you'll find out that you, through therapy, you won't allow people to
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treat you as badly as you had before.
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And you're going to learn to have more self-love.
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You're going to learn to respect yourself more and make sure that in your next
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relationship that there's a give and take. It can't just be give, give, give.
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And it can't be just take, take, take.
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So when somebody's emotionally available, you're going to find that they're consistent.
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If you have somebody that you're texting and they're not texting back,
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they're not consistently communicating.
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If you text somebody and three days later they get back to you,
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that's not somebody that's emotionally available.
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And there's people that are not emotionally available for many reasons.
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So emotional availability, you know, it can be just because they're traumatized
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from the last relationship.
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That happens a lot. So if a person's, you know, emotionally traumatized from
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the last relationship, they're going to have some major, major problems going
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into their next relationship.
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Okay and so they've compartmentalized they maybe maybe they had a really painful or toxic divorce,
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and those those things leave scars that you
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have to kind of work through if you don't
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take the time to heal you're not going to have a solid relationship the next
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time and you're just going to repeat the exact same problem maybe you allow
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somebody to walk all over you and now you're attracting the same type of person
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don't bury it is all i'm saying don't compartmentalize it And then there's people
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that have a fear of intimacy.
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Now, I know I did after my first, after my divorce, I had a major fear of intimacy.
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And it took me a while to get over it. It took me months to get over it.
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So you have to work through that as well. And there's things you can do to get
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rid of fear of intimacy. Some people just getting a massage.
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Will help them get over a fear of intimacy. Some people need snuggle time,
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and maybe it'll take you longer in your next relationship to be intimate with a person, which is fine.
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But you need to work through those issues and don't make your next person that
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you date your therapist.
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That is not their job. You should not be using dating people as your therapist.
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There's no wonder that so many people hate the dating apps and hate dating because
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people are using each other for therapy, and that's not what we're designed for.
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You need to go to somebody that actually knows what they're doing.
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And a lot of times we allow people to treat us badly or poorly just because
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of the way we were raised.
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There could be childhood wounds. There can be attachment issues.
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There's books on attachments and attachment styles.
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I've seen so many books on attachment styles lately, and it might be nice for
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you to figure out what type of attachment style you have.
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And when you do you'll know how to behave with
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whomever you're going to be with attachment styles can
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change over time how there's different names for different attachments but it's
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basically how you attach to some people some people are more withdrawn some
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people are overly in people's faces and some people are a little chaotic a lot
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of it has to do with the way you grew up some of it's neglect,
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some of it's abuse, and that can affect your relationships.
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So make sure that you are working on all of this.
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And therapy is good for working backwards and fixing personality issues.
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Coaching was great for strategizing and planning my future.
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And then Reiki and my energy healer was really good for settling my nervous
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system and calming down the pain.
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And once I got all three of those combined, it was a snap to get through my divorce.
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So some people also, when you date them, they're liars and they're cheaters.
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And this is one of the reasons why I don't date people that have cheated on their spouses.
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But there are people that they enjoy harming other people after they go through a breakup.
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And it may be that maybe they got cheated on and they want to cause harm to other people.
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It may be that they are just not nice. And maybe they're the ones that cheated
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in the first place and they just like to do it.
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And they don't care about other people. There's no empathy there.
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So you have to avoid those types of people. You'll see the red flags and you'll catch them in lies.
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And then you'll know that these are the types of people you need to avoid.
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One of the things you'll realize that somebody that's not emotionally available,
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when you try to connect with them, they're going to constantly be disconnected,
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no matter how hard you try.
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I met people that I can connect with mentally, intelligently,
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physically even a little, but they just can't connect emotionally.
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It gets to the point where you shake your head and you don't see a future in
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the relationship and there probably won't be.
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People that are emotionally unavailable
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will also lie a lot they'll give you mixed signals you
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can't really pin them down on anything they sometimes future fake
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tell you they're going to do something and not commit to
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doing it and almost always they're
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going to be hot and cold okay they'll be hot some days like really into you
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and then the next day they'll be cold so it's painful when you date someone
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like this it's confusing because you'll start to ask yourself is it me but at
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that moment you're just going to say hey i listened to diva me on this podcast.
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And she let me know that this person's not emotionally available
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now there's reasons like i just said
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for emotion not being emotionally available they may also be dating multiple
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people and not care about your feelings and if that's true why are you dating
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them and if they're emotionally unavailable i mean you can have the conversation
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if you want to say hey i'm feeling like you're not emotionally available to me and that,
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you know, either you're distracted with something else,
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you're distracted with someone else, or we're just not a good fit.
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And walk away. Don't put yourself through it again, believe me.
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It's not you, it's them. And you have to realize that you are worthy of receiving love.
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You are worthy of receiving as much love as you give to someone else.
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And if they don't choose to heal themselves and they don't choose to heal those childhood wounds,
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there's really no reason for you to waste your time basically raising a child
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because they are not ready for adult relationship.
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An adult relationship, you should be able to have emotional intelligence and
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be emotionally available.
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So some of the things that they should do is they should always consistently communicate.
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If they're not doing that and you've ask them to consistently communicate.
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There was one guy actually told that I enjoyed the fact that he was texting
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me every morning. And as soon as I did, he stopped doing it.
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So that's a sign of emotional unavailability.
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If they're not vulnerable, if they don't want to open up about their past or their feelings.
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Now, I'm not telling you to, you know, try to drill down in someone's past,
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but they should be able to tell you, you know, a little bit.
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They don't have to fully open up, but they have to be a little bit vulnerable.
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And emotionally available person tells you how they feel.
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So if they say, I asked you to text me and now you're not texting me anymore
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and it feels like you're detaching. Is there something going on?
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Or is this just not a good fit?
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And if it's not a good fit, the sooner you get out, the better.
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Like I always say, it's better to hire slow and fire fast.
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So if someone's not working out, get them fired.
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Get them out of your life as quickly as you can. Then take responsibility.
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They have their messes. You have yours. But don't deflect. I don't like it when people ghost.
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But you got to take accountability for this relationship, too.
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And you're going to have to say, wow, did I stay too long in this one,
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even if it's only been a month or two?
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Sometimes you've stayed too long. But each time you're going to get better.
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And the reality is, is that so many people blame themselves.
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When another person isn't emotionally available. Maybe I could do more.
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Maybe I could show up more.
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Maybe they're uncomfortable. Maybe it's me. It's not you. They're just not available.
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And you don't need to waste your time with that.
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Sometimes the emotionally unavailable, they talk vaguely about the future.
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Maybe someday we can do that. Maybe someday we can do that. But you can't pin them down.
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And my big belief is that I want someone to love me the way that I love them.
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And until I find that person and I find reciprocity in my relationship,
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I'm going to keep looking.
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And I could look for the rest of my days and I'd be okay with that.
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I don't want anybody that's not going to be reciprocal to me.
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I'm a good big giver, but I also want to receive this time around and not just
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drain my cup and have nothing left over.
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Here's some of the red flags you can think of when you're with someone.
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One of the big red flags is that they are inconsistent.
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If they're inconsistent, they're going to show you like hot one day,
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cold another day, intense.
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They're going to be giving you breadcrumbs. That's what inconsistency is.
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So they'll string you along.
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And the more you tell them what you like, the less they're going to do it.
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And I've experienced this for sure. And so it's breadcrumbs.
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They won't go deep into emotions. They'll also kind of try to speed up intimacy,
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like sexual intimacy faster, because it's a way for them to distract from the
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lack of emotional intimacy.
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And emotional intimacy is where you can connect deeply with a person,
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not necessarily intelligently, but just deeply.
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When you have conversations, they go deep. You can see truly if there's a connection.
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It's so interesting how dating is a challenge.
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And it's a challenge because there's the physical attraction,
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there's the mental attraction,
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there's the mental can be also intellectual attraction, there's the emotional
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attraction, there's the spiritual attraction, and then there's the sexual attraction.
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I think a lot of people jump from the physical attraction right to the sexual
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attraction, and they forget the others, which are more important,
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I think, than the physical and the sexual attraction.
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Now, don't get me wrong. Sex is going to be important in your relationship.
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It's important in everyone's relationship, and the physical attraction needs to be there as well.
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Some people you can be sexually attracted to and not physically attracted to,
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and vice versa, but you do need to have emotional depth in your relationship.
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You need to have that emotional attraction. You need to have that spiritual attraction.
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And you need to have that intellectual attraction. And not everybody's idea
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of an intellectual attraction is the same.
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Some people are okay with a person that's kind of ditzy and not so bright.
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And some people want someone that they can have deep conversations with.
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It just depends on who you are.
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And a spiritual attraction doesn't mean they have to be religious.
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But sometimes spiritually, if you just connect on a spiritual level,
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you believe the same types of things maybe you're
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not you know you don't believe as much as they do or
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you're not as well versed in the bible or whatnot but you
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still have a spiritual connection and then the emotional connection
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the emotional connection is so deep i think
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when you meet someone the first thing after your your physical connection because
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that's where most people go is do we have a physical connection or a physical
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attraction is that you need to look into the emotional and the intellectual
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and then the spiritual and then the sexual.
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If you can do them in that order, you're going to find a much deeper relationship
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and probably one that could really last.
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If you can find all five things, all different levels in one relationship and
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they're emotionally available, you've found your person.
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So if you're attracted in all five areas and they're attracted back to you in
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all five areas and they're emotionally available, you've hit the jackpot.
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So think about it that way.
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And some people also try to be unavailable by design.
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If they're telling you I'm not ready for anything serious, they're telling you
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I'm not emotionally available.
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It's the perfect line for someone not emotionally available to say.
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If they're still, you know, entangled with their ex. Now, don't get me wrong.
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People do go back to their exes once in a while, and they remarry those exes as well.
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Or maybe they're just separated, but they're not fully divorced.
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So they may still be entangled with an ex and not emotionally available.
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And sometimes their ex just wants to linger in their lives, which happens too,
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which makes it hard for them to be emotionally available with someone else.
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But if they're telling you all the time, I'm too busy, I can't do it,
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I'm too busy, I've got too much to go at work, or they say, oh,
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I'm sorry, I didn't get to talk to you all week because I had so much going
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on with work. I'm sorry. That's not a good excuse.
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It takes literally five seconds to text someone.
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If you're not enough of a priority for them to say, hey, hope you had a wonderful
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day today, you're not a priority in their life.
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When you're not a priority in your life, it means they're not emotionally available for you.
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They may not be emotionally available for anyone, but it doesn't matter.
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It only matters if they're emotionally available for you.
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So one of the other things that they may also do is they'll give you lots of attention.
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And then they'll withdraw. Now, this is a narcissistic trait as well.
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They'll basically love-bomb you, and then they'll withdraw. And then they'll
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give you much intensity or gifts or lots of conversation, and then they withdraw.
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That's a non-emotionally available person. And narcissists are never emotionally available.
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So if you found one of those, run for the hills, because they will never be
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emotionally available.
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And sometimes, the people that are not emotionally available,
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eventually they will be.
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It might take them six months. It might take them a year. It might take them two years or longer.
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It depends on how much they're working on themselves.
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And you can also tell somebody that's not emotionally available if you ask them
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about their ex, and boy, they go off on their ex, and everything's their ex's fault.
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And oh, their ex did this, their ex did that, and they never take any accountability
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for anything they've done.
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And they're still mad at their ex, and they still blame theirs.
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That's not someone healed.
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That is not someone healed. That's someone still stuck in the divorce cycle
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or the separation cycle, and they're going to be stuck for a while.
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I dated a guy one time that was there, and he's still not better because every
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time you bring it up, all he does is complain about his ex.
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It got to the point where I really liked the guy, but I don't know if he will
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ever heal in this lifetime.
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It was sad because he won't go to therapy, and he won't do the work.
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Smart guy, but he won't do it.
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Sometimes you'll be left confused after talking to them.
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You're not sure as to, oh, do they like you? Are they still hooked on their ex?
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Do they want something serious? Do they want something not serious?
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Now, if you're just looking for a plaything that's on you, and if that's what you want, that's fine.
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But make sure it's clear in the beginning, because a lot of people that are
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emotionally available still like to string people off.
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It's a game for them because maybe they were hurt and they want to hurt other
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people just like they were.
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And then you need to know if you're emotionally available. And I'm sorry,
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I'm going to get in your face a little bit with this one, but are you truly open to love someone?
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Do you think you need more time? Do you need to meditate more?
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I mean, meditation is so wonderful, I will say.
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Even walking in nature is just meditation in and of itself.
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So maybe go on more walks. I think walking after a separation or a divorce,
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even a death of a spouse, is so healing.
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Getting out in nature and just walking in the air and taking hour or two-hour
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long walks a day, it's not just good for your body, it's good for your soul.
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And it will just make you feel more alive and more connected.
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And it's part of the healing process.
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Some people shouldn't be with another person for a while.
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Some people aren't really open to love. they're just terrified of being alone.
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I'm perfectly happy alone personally.
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I only want to bring someone in my life as if they add, not if they take away
26:17
or make it more stressful.
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I am open to love, but I'm not desperate for love.
26:23
I'm okay being alone for the rest of my life if I need to be.
26:26
But some people are desperate to find someone because they have an emptiness
26:29
inside, because they haven't filled up their own cup, and they don't have their
26:33
own identity, and they don't know who they are.
26:35
Once you become self-aware and self-assured, and you don't need another person,
26:41
that's the best time to find someone.
26:44
Because then you're available. You're fully emotionally available.
26:47
And you're not going to let somebody walk all over you just so you have a partner.
26:52
So here's the other idea. Do you talk to other people? Do you express your feelings
26:57
clearly and respectfully?
26:58
Or does it turn into an argument and a fight?
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And sometimes the argument and the fight may come from the other side,
27:05
but sometimes you need to learn on how to say things and are you clear and respectful?
27:10
And if you tell them how you feel and they yell at you for it,
27:12
then that's not an emotionally available person either.
27:14
And the thing is you know
27:17
there this is not just applying towards partners
27:21
sometimes it applies to friends and
27:23
there's friends that you try to to open
27:27
up and try to have clear conversations with
27:31
and they're not emotionally available to even be your friend so the
27:34
question is if they're not emotionally available for friendship should
27:38
they be your friend and i personally say no you don't
27:41
have to save the world you do have to save
27:44
yourself and your family and your
27:47
children but you don't have to save the world and sometimes it's better to have
27:52
a smaller circle than a huge circle of people that just aren't qualified to
27:56
be your friends i'm all about quality versus quantity and then here's the big
28:01
question do you have enough space in your life to let someone in,
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And I'm not just talking about house space.
28:09
You guys can always buy a house together if you get married in the future.
28:13
Now, what I'm talking about is, is there mentally space?
28:18
Do you have that headspace where you could allow someone in?
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Logistically, I mean, are they literally close enough to even have as a partner?
28:27
And then there's also financial. Are you financially stable enough to bring someone in?
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Do you really want a real relationship? Are you just looking for a play thing?
28:36
And I'm not judging. If that's what you're looking for, just be honest with the other person.
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And you'll find your plaything. And you can have that as long as you want.
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Now, sometimes when people find playthings, those also turn into relationships as well.
28:50
But it depends on who you are and what you're looking for. See,
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for me, I'm looking for...
28:55
I think, a partner, a relationship. I don't do casual dating.
29:00
I've tried to, and it's not good on me. I just don't feel comfortable doing
29:04
casual dating. For me, I'm always looking for a relationship.
29:09
But if somebody wanted a friends with benefit type of situation,
29:13
then they need to find someone with an other mindset.
29:16
And there are people out there. There's a lot of people out there,
29:19
guys, that will do that, if that's all you want.
29:22
So don't chase them and try to force them into a relationship that they don't want.
29:30
If you're clear about what you want, both sides have to be clear about what they want, basically.
29:35
Now, what happens a lot of times is they'll give you bread crumbs,
29:39
and they'll expect you to stick around even though they're only giving you bread crumbs.
29:44
And the breadcrumbs aren't enough to keep you there. And you should leave before
29:49
the breadcrumbs start, personally, I think.
29:52
But if you're getting breadcrumbs and you've asked for more communication and
29:55
they just don't want to do it, then leave. There's nothing wrong with leaving.
30:00
Now, I know there are some situations where it can get violent,
30:03
so leave quietly or find a way to get out, but don't stay in bad situations
30:09
because they only get worse. They don't get better.
30:11
And I think as women, we try to tell ourselves that, oh, we can help and fix
30:16
them or, oh, we can help and help them grow.
30:19
Here's the thing. At our age, if now, granted, in your early 20s,
30:24
ladies, people are still growing into who they are.
30:26
But if there's a person in their 40s, 50s or 60s and they still need work,
30:32
that's their job, not yours.
30:34
And it's not your job to fix people. It's not your job to repair them.
30:38
They need to show up at the relationship ready to have a relationship or you
30:42
shouldn't be dating them.
30:43
And I think that honestly probably 50 to 75
30:46
percent of the people out there that are dating probably shouldn't be because
30:49
they need to do work on themselves and that
30:52
makes it even more difficult to find someone that's emotionally available
30:55
but for me it's not just emotionally intelligence it's not emotional iq anymore
31:00
it is so important that they are available and this we need to really look at
31:06
very quickly if they're lying to you and you catch them in multiple lies,
31:12
they're not emotionally available.
31:14
Because you don't lie to the people that you love.
31:17
You don't lie to the people that you love. One of the things I also recommend
31:22
is to jot down in a journal each relationship.
31:26
And the reason why I recommend this is because you can document over the course of a week or two.
31:32
Instead of having cognitive dissonance or, you know, getting gaslit and not
31:36
believing, you know, your reality, you can write down exactly how you feel.
31:42
And then what you should do is once a month, just go back and look,
31:45
is this still a solid relationship? Do I still feel good about this?
31:48
Because some people don't have the ability to remember back to a week ago about
31:55
how the other person made them feel.
31:57
And I'm not saying that other people have control over your emotions.
32:00
They don't, but they can impact your feelings.
32:04
And it's important to be with somebody that doesn't damage you and somebody
32:09
that just gives you peace and lets you be and brings you happiness and joy.
32:13
You bring your own happiness and joy, but if they're being detrimental to your
32:17
happiness and joy, they're not the right person.
32:20
Trust is a big thing for me. And as soon as somebody violates my trust either
32:25
by cheating on me, lying to me, etc.
32:29
It destroys the relationship. I think I allowed lies to occur in past relationships for way too long.
32:36
And now I'm clear about what I want.
32:40
I'm clear about how much care I need and how much connection and how much presence
32:45
I need from the other person.
32:46
So I'm not a person that needs like constant communication, but I do enjoy,
32:51
you know, daily communication.
32:53
You need to figure out what that number is for you. Do I need a guy to text me three times a day?
32:58
If that's what you need, you need to be clear. Do you want your guys to only
33:01
text you once every other day? Be clear.
33:04
If you're only getting texted once a week, I'm sorry, this is a,
33:08
that's more of a booty call.
33:09
Than a relationship. So just realize that you need to allow for them to treat
33:17
you the way you want, but you got to teach them how to treat you too,
33:19
because everybody's a little bit different.
33:21
But if you teach them and they still don't want to do it, then just move on. It's okay to move on.
33:27
If you want to find the perfect partner, just to kind of wrap things up, don't try to fix them.
33:35
Find someone that has emotional intelligence find
33:39
someone that has emotional availability someone that's
33:42
going to be honest with you and open and is
33:45
ready for a relationship set your boundaries though
33:48
and then if patterns of bad behavior start to occur and you see it and you you've
33:54
got it documented in your journal and you keep telling them and they don't want
33:57
to fix it then don't stay because life is too short to be miserable and you're
34:03
going to know honestly I think within a few months.
34:06
Within a few months, you're going to see any red flags.
34:10
Sometimes it's even faster than that. Sometimes it's a month or two.
34:13
So if you see red flags and they're not mutually reciprocating your emotions,
34:18
and the more vulnerable you get, the more closed off they get,
34:21
they're just not available.
34:23
And availability could be because they're lying or they're with someone else or who knows what.
34:29
Or maybe they're just overloaded at work and they're not ready for a relationship. you
34:32
don't know but you should never shrink yourself to be loved okay you should
34:38
never shrink yourself to be loved and you shouldn't have to convince yourself
34:41
for someone to care for you and care and consideration are big so make sure
34:47
that you just stay grounded and stay,
34:50
available for yourself emotion availability for ourselves means that we listen
34:55
to our intuition as women and men you have intuition as well listen to your
35:01
gut when something is saying this is not a good fit,
35:05
Don't talk yourself out of it to stay in order to be in a relationship that's not serving you.
35:12
Because it's just going to give you stress, anxiety, and make you miserable.
35:15
I like to say, is this causing me stress or anxiety?
35:20
Or are they ghosting me and then talking to me and then ghosting me?
35:24
That causes me stress. And I don't want to be in relationships like that.
35:29
You get to choose who you date. You get to choose who you spend your life with.
35:33
And time is valuable, and we're not on this planet very long.
35:38
So enjoy the time you're with, and enjoy the people you're with,
35:43
but only enjoy the people you really want to be with.
35:47
So I hope this has helped in getting you to the next level.
35:52
I hope that you can resolve any trauma you have with therapy.
35:56
I hope that you can pinpoint people that are emotionally available,
36:01
and not just emotionally smart or have emotional intelligence,
36:05
but really people that are truly available.
36:08
Because availability, if they're not there in their head, you're never going
36:13
to get there to their heart.
36:14
I wish you the best going forward. I hope that you find your true love,
36:19
your soulmate, and the one that's going to be your forever partner for the rest of your life.
36:25
This is Diva Mia. Have a wonderful day. Make it a great one. Take care.
36:31
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