Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 480. My sister is overbearing, and how do I know for sure I have chosen the right path?

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480. My sister is overbearing, and how do I know for sure I have chosen the right path? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:09
Speaker 1: Hollow, Beautiful Beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:13
Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise episode. I'm going to
0:16
Speaker 1: be reading out some emails that you guys have sent through.
0:20
Speaker 1: Very excited. I've got three questions to read through, and
0:23
Speaker 1: absolutely loving the questions that everyone is sending through, so
0:27
Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. Just a very short life update
0:31
Speaker 1: because I've just been thinking about it so much and
0:34
Speaker 1: it's just been I'm just so obsessed. But I went
0:36
Speaker 1: to the Bad Bunny concert here in Sydney, guys. I
0:40
Speaker 1: firstly I met three of you there, like literally three
0:42
Speaker 1: off you came up and they're like, oh my god,
0:44
Speaker 1: I love your podcast and I was like, just fucking
0:46
Speaker 1: Bad Bunny DAYFM collab is all I have to say.
0:50
Speaker 1: But I just feel like it was one of the
0:54
Speaker 1: best experiences of my life. It sounds very dramatic, but
0:57
Speaker 1: the reason I feel that way is so I went
0:59
Speaker 1: with my cousins. I went with my cousin Lorena, and
1:01
Speaker 1: I went with Frankie, who's my cousin's wife, and we
1:05
Speaker 1: it was so surreal standing in that stadium. There was
1:08
Speaker 1: like forty something thousand people in this stadium and as
1:12
Speaker 1: you guys, well, I'm guessing you guys know because I've
1:15
Speaker 1: probably said it a bunch of times, but I'm a
1:17
Speaker 1: first generation Australian. So my parents are migrants. They're from
1:20
Speaker 1: South America. My mum's Uruguayan, my dad is Argentinian. So
1:23
Speaker 1: I grew up in Australia as an Aussie. I'm Australian
1:26
Speaker 1: OSSI first and foremost, but obviously with this really deep
1:30
Speaker 1: cultural influence of my parents' culture. So I grew up
1:32
Speaker 1: around so much Latin music, salsa, and then as a teenager,
1:38
Speaker 1: I started listening a lot to reggaeton. So I was
1:40
Speaker 1: always exposed to salsa and reggaeton, and it's some of
1:42
Speaker 1: the music that to this day I listened to the most.
1:45
Speaker 1: If you look at like my Spotify rapped, it is
1:47
Speaker 1: that music. And I never, in my wildest dreams, thought
1:51
Speaker 1: that I would ever have the opportunity to go to
1:53
Speaker 1: a stadium concert with that music that I grew up with,
1:57
Speaker 1: because it's not, you know, the most popular music in Australia,
2:00
Speaker 1: right like fair enough, because that's not We're not a
2:03
Speaker 1: Latin country. But it was just so special and so incredible,
2:07
Speaker 1: not only to be there as a Uruguay and Argentina
2:11
Speaker 1: and Australian, but to see people with their flags from
2:14
Speaker 1: all countries across Latin America and countries outside of Latin America.
2:18
Speaker 1: There were Japanese flags there. It was just amazing, Like
2:21
Speaker 1: there were flags from I saw obviously Uruguayan flags, Brazilian flags,
2:26
Speaker 1: Ecuadorian flags, Peruvian flags, like there were flags from everywhere.
2:30
Speaker 1: And what I loved, probably more than all of that,
2:33
Speaker 1: that we had this opportunity to all get together and
2:36
Speaker 1: celebrate this music here in Australia, which is such a
2:39
Speaker 1: multicultural country. But to have so many Ozzies who don't
2:44
Speaker 1: normally listen to or didn't grow up listening to that music,
2:47
Speaker 1: but just really embracing this music, absolutely loving it and
2:50
Speaker 1: appreciate itting it. There were so many non Spanish speaking
2:52
Speaker 1: people there just fucking vibing and having the best time,
2:55
Speaker 1: bringing such great energy. Like I like not to mention
2:59
Speaker 1: how phenomenal bad Bunny actually was. Benny thought love him
3:03
Speaker 1: so much, but I'm speechless. I'm actually speechless, and like
3:07
Speaker 1: that concept has been on my mind for so many reasons. Yes,
3:10
Speaker 1: the show was unbelievable, the music was insane, but the people,
3:13
Speaker 1: the energy how it brought everyone together. I have no words,
3:17
Speaker 1: and I literally hope he comes back to Australia a
3:19
Speaker 1: thousand times over. I would go to every single concert
3:22
Speaker 1: that he ever does again in this country and maybe
3:24
Speaker 1: in other countries as well. It was just unreal. So
3:27
Speaker 1: if you were there, if you experienced it, I'm sure
3:29
Speaker 1: that well. I hope that you experienced it in a
3:31
Speaker 1: way that I did as well, because it was fucking unbelievable. Anyway,
3:35
Speaker 1: let's get into the episode of today. So we've got
3:38
Speaker 1: three questions. Like I said, let's get straight into the
3:41
Speaker 1: first question. So this one is titled my second Parent. Hi.
3:47
Speaker 1: Alexis my sister and I are three days and one
3:49
Speaker 1: year apart. We've always been close and I really do
3:52
Speaker 1: love her. The problem is she can be protective and
3:55
Speaker 1: she acts like she's the second parent. It starts to
3:58
Speaker 1: feel controlling and she will talk down to me. An
4:01
Speaker 1: example is when I go out with my friends, I'll
4:03
Speaker 1: ask her to drop me off to the pub and
4:05
Speaker 1: she'll say, men only want one thing, be careful, call
4:07
Speaker 1: me if you need anything. It looks fine written here,
4:10
Speaker 1: but it's how she says it, like I'm some naive
4:12
Speaker 1: little girl and I don't know anything. It makes me
4:15
Speaker 1: absolutely mad. We're only one year apart. I don't carry
4:19
Speaker 1: I don't carry on drinking in a silly way. Another
4:22
Speaker 1: example is when I was seeing this guy and I
4:25
Speaker 1: would camp at his house. The first night, she called
4:28
Speaker 1: me ten times, screaming at me. If I don't pick
4:30
Speaker 1: up the phone, she's going to come to get me
4:32
Speaker 1: or call the police. So I call her back and
4:34
Speaker 1: tell her to stop. It's the same thing. Men only
4:36
Speaker 1: want one thing. We're currently living together. She complains all
4:40
Speaker 1: the time. I don't cook or clean. She thinks I
4:42
Speaker 1: don't know how to. But I've lived on my own
4:44
Speaker 1: before and I can take care of myself. She starts
4:47
Speaker 1: to control everything I do. I recently went to the
4:49
Speaker 1: gym and I was in such a rush I forgot
4:51
Speaker 1: to put the dishwasher on. When I finished working out,
4:53
Speaker 1: I saw she tried calling me when I got home.
4:55
Speaker 1: It was where were you wan? And you called me back?
4:58
Speaker 1: It only takes a few seconds to reply. She's been
5:00
Speaker 1: through a lot, and she wasn't in the best relationship before.
5:03
Speaker 1: It was very toxic and she was heavily drinking. When
5:06
Speaker 1: she gets mad, I can't be around her. It affects
5:08
Speaker 1: me a lot. She's my sister and I love her
5:10
Speaker 1: so much. It just does my head in a lot
5:12
Speaker 1: when she starts acting like the second parent. There's so
5:14
Speaker 1: many things that she does and says she's done it
5:16
Speaker 1: ever since we were little, act like this second parent.
5:19
Speaker 1: Please let me know what you think I should do.
5:21
Speaker 1: I've told her to stop, and she doesn't. The only
5:23
Speaker 1: thing I do is just leave the house or hide
5:25
Speaker 1: in my room. Okay, listen, I know you said you've
5:29
Speaker 1: already told her to stop and she doesn't. But I
5:31
Speaker 1: feel like this might require a deeper conversation because obviously,
5:35
Speaker 1: as I've said before, you obviously an avid listener of
5:38
Speaker 1: my podcast. But at the very very end of the day,
5:42
Speaker 1: you ultimately cannot change someone's behavior. So you have to
5:46
Speaker 1: ask yourself. There's two things. There's number one, I'm going
5:48
Speaker 1: to do everything in my power to influence change in
5:50
Speaker 1: her so we could have a really positive relationship moving forward,
5:53
Speaker 1: and ideally we can keep living together, because I think
5:55
Speaker 1: that's obviously the overall goal. But then the other thing
5:58
Speaker 1: you've got to ask yourself is if nothing were to change,
6:02
Speaker 1: if I did everything that Alexis is about to tell me,
6:04
Speaker 1: to do and she still didn't change, what would I do?
6:09
Speaker 1: Because you have to come to the conclusion that sometimes
6:12
Speaker 1: you can't influence people to change. Sometimes you can't by
6:15
Speaker 1: asking them, by trying to get them to see your way.
6:17
Speaker 1: There's just literally nothing you can do, and they're going
6:19
Speaker 1: to keep behaving this way. So the next question you
6:20
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself is if nothing changes, what am
6:23
Speaker 1: I going to do about it? Because at the moment,
6:25
Speaker 1: your solution is to leave the house or hide in
6:28
Speaker 1: your room. Is that going to be? Are you okay
6:30
Speaker 1: with that? May I would imagine that No, you're not
6:32
Speaker 1: okay with that, because this is why you've written into me.
6:34
Speaker 1: So you've got to kind of have a strategic, non impulsive,
6:38
Speaker 1: well thought out exit plan. If she was to never change,
6:43
Speaker 1: how would you comfortably and in a non volatile reactive
6:48
Speaker 1: way decide to partner, you know, to distance yourself from
6:53
Speaker 1: her a bit, okay, because it gets to a point
6:55
Speaker 1: where if she chooses not to change, You've got to decide, well,
6:58
Speaker 1: I can't live with her anymore. I'm going to have
7:00
Speaker 1: to move out. I have to move out with like
7:02
Speaker 1: housemates or whatever. I'm going to have to put like
7:04
Speaker 1: a plan in place and give her warning about this.
7:06
Speaker 1: I'm going to be I'm going to find a way
7:08
Speaker 1: to be really level headed when I communicate this. I'm
7:10
Speaker 1: going to say, listen, we've spoken about this before. This
7:13
Speaker 1: has not changed. This is how it makes me feel
7:15
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, I'm an adult, et cetera,
7:18
Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. And then you have to have
7:20
Speaker 1: a plan. You have to know what it looks like
7:22
Speaker 1: it could be when the lease is up. It could
7:24
Speaker 1: be you know, ideally, you know she's your sister. You
7:26
Speaker 1: don't want to leave a hynd dr and be like,
7:28
Speaker 1: well say yeah from one way to the next and whatever.
7:30
Speaker 1: So ideally it's something like, if this were to continue,
7:32
Speaker 1: I'm not going to renew the lease with you, or
7:35
Speaker 1: like whatever it is. So you have to know what
7:37
Speaker 1: it looks like for you if you need to create
7:41
Speaker 1: real physical distance from your sister. Okay, now let's talk
7:44
Speaker 1: about what you can do in hopes to mend what's
7:47
Speaker 1: going on. The first thing I just very quickly want
7:50
Speaker 1: to address is there's two things that she seems to
7:53
Speaker 1: be controlling on. One is this whole treating you like
7:56
Speaker 1: you are naive and having a really bad pinion around relationships,
8:01
Speaker 1: and she's projecting hard on what may or may not
8:04
Speaker 1: happen to you, you know, like men only want one thing,
8:06
Speaker 1: and like feeling really uncomfortable when you're with a guy.
8:08
Speaker 1: So there's that aspect of it, and then there's the
8:11
Speaker 1: aspect of the household chores, as far as the dishwasher
8:15
Speaker 1: or you're not cleaning or cooking. I would address them
8:17
Speaker 1: as two separate things. I know you said you know
8:21
Speaker 1: how to take care of yourself, and you know how
8:23
Speaker 1: to do it, but you've got to have a very
8:24
Speaker 1: clear understanding if you are legitimately pulling your weight in
8:27
Speaker 1: the household, Because if you're not pulling your weight in
8:30
Speaker 1: the household, then it's frustrating for both of you. But
8:33
Speaker 1: it's also frustrating for you because she actually has a
8:35
Speaker 1: leg to stand on. If you are actually don't know
8:38
Speaker 1: how to cook and clean and she's picking up the pieces,
8:41
Speaker 1: then a lot of this anger around the household things
8:45
Speaker 1: is I mean, not that she should be yelling at
8:47
Speaker 1: you and calling you and blowing up, but where it's
8:49
Speaker 1: coming from is semi valid, right, So if I were me,
8:52
Speaker 1: I would cover all my bases and I would make
8:54
Speaker 1: sure that you know, like, I don't like owing people things, Okay,
8:59
Speaker 1: unless I unless you know, obviously there's reasons that I
9:02
Speaker 1: have to. But if I'm in a situation where I
9:06
Speaker 1: can take care of myself, make sure that my side
9:10
Speaker 1: of the things are done, makes sure that my shit
9:12
Speaker 1: is looked after. Then I know that there's not much
9:16
Speaker 1: that people can say of like you did this, and
9:17
Speaker 1: I had to do this, and I had to pick
9:18
Speaker 1: up the pieces off to you, especially when you're living
9:20
Speaker 1: with someone else. Okay, it doesn't matter if you're a
9:23
Speaker 1: sister or your friend. So make sure that you have
9:25
Speaker 1: your basis covered. If you're not picking up your slack,
9:27
Speaker 1: pick up your fucking slack in the household. So there's
9:30
Speaker 1: one lessing that she has to do. If it's what
9:32
Speaker 1: you're saying that, oh, I just it's just the dish
9:33
Speaker 1: washer that I didn't do, then you need to address
9:36
Speaker 1: that with her. That's something that you need to say. Listen,
9:38
Speaker 1: I'm paying rent, here, I clean, I cook. Here is
9:43
Speaker 1: the evidence that I've done all this shit? The fact
9:45
Speaker 1: that I haven't unloaded the dishorhow I'm not in a prison.
9:48
Speaker 1: This is a home where humans. There's going to be
9:50
Speaker 1: certain things that happen that are going to cause us
9:53
Speaker 1: to have like slip ups. Do you want to be
9:55
Speaker 1: someone that people don't want to live with or do
9:57
Speaker 1: you want to be someone that people can easily coexist with,
9:59
Speaker 1: Because if that's how you're going to run it, then
10:03
Speaker 1: that's just something that long term's not going to work.
10:05
Speaker 1: Because this is also my home. I am entitled to,
10:08
Speaker 1: you know, leave the home without everything being immaculate twenty
10:11
Speaker 1: four seven. We are human at the end of the day.
10:13
Speaker 1: So that's one thing that you need to address, separate
10:15
Speaker 1: to the man thing. The man thing, the idea of
10:19
Speaker 1: how she speaks to you and going out this seems
10:21
Speaker 1: to be coming from she's already got the history of
10:24
Speaker 1: controlling it because you said she did it as a child.
10:26
Speaker 1: But she's clearly, like you said, she's gone through a
10:28
Speaker 1: hard time and she's had something you know, quite impactful
10:32
Speaker 1: happened to her. So before reprimanding her or yelling at
10:35
Speaker 1: her and saying you don't whatever, I would try and
10:38
Speaker 1: have a heart to heart with her and really speak
10:41
Speaker 1: to her about not that she has to tell you
10:43
Speaker 1: things that she doesn't want to tell you or open up,
10:45
Speaker 1: but just come from a place of understanding, saying when
10:49
Speaker 1: you make these comments like trust me, I understand that
10:52
Speaker 1: you've gone through something really difficult. I want to be
10:54
Speaker 1: that safe space for you to talk to me about it.
10:57
Speaker 1: You don't have to, but I am your sister and
10:59
Speaker 1: I would love for you to feel comfortable speaking to
11:02
Speaker 1: me about these difficult things. But you projecting what your
11:08
Speaker 1: beliefs are around men, that they're only up for one thing,
11:11
Speaker 1: and that only If that is your belief, and you're
11:13
Speaker 1: not going to change that belief, then so be it.
11:16
Speaker 1: But you need to stop projecting that onto me because
11:18
Speaker 1: I have a very different belief about that. I don't
11:22
Speaker 1: think that about men. I have very positive interactions with men,
11:25
Speaker 1: and if that's not been the case for you, then
11:27
Speaker 1: I really do hate that for you. But you cannot
11:29
Speaker 1: continue to project that stuff onto me. I am the
11:32
Speaker 1: safe space you can talk about that, but I'm done
11:34
Speaker 1: hearing it. I'm actually done hearing it because it is
11:37
Speaker 1: a projection of your own experiences and your choice is
11:40
Speaker 1: to either internalize that or to work through it. But
11:44
Speaker 1: I will not be a sounding board anymore. You will
11:46
Speaker 1: not call me again when I'm at a guy's place.
11:49
Speaker 1: I know that if I need you, you can come
11:50
Speaker 1: and get me. I know that if I need you
11:52
Speaker 1: X y Z. But this idea that I can't look
11:55
Speaker 1: after myself and that all men are bad and men
11:57
Speaker 1: only want one thing, I'm done. I'm done listening to
12:01
Speaker 1: So what are we going to do moving forward? Like
12:04
Speaker 1: you need to frame it in a way where she
12:07
Speaker 1: has input in what the future is going to look like.
12:10
Speaker 1: If she snaps, doesn't want to barf, it says, you know,
12:13
Speaker 1: you don't understand this, You don't understand that you this
12:15
Speaker 1: you that you that just say you know what, I'm
12:18
Speaker 1: an adult. I am done being parented. If you think
12:21
Speaker 1: that I need parenting, that's a you problem. It's not
12:23
Speaker 1: a me problem. I've lived alone in the past and
12:27
Speaker 1: I don't need this anymore. So that statement you pushing
12:31
Speaker 1: back is showing me that you're not willing to change.
12:33
Speaker 1: You're not willing to meet me in the middle. You're
12:34
Speaker 1: not willing to treat me as an equal. So it
12:37
Speaker 1: means that we're going to have to start to really
12:39
Speaker 1: look at what this relationship is going to look like
12:41
Speaker 1: once this lace ends, because I can't do this forever.
12:45
Speaker 1: You can. I can't simple okay, because you have to
12:48
Speaker 1: realize that unless you're willing to put up with this
12:50
Speaker 1: for eternity, your only option ultimately is to have that
12:54
Speaker 1: conversation and then if nothing works, to not live with her,
12:58
Speaker 1: because the living together is being in each other's pockets
13:02
Speaker 1: and it's obviously she can't handle it. Hopefully that was helpful.
13:05
Speaker 1: I know it's you know, I can't really give you
13:07
Speaker 1: a straight up solution for it, but you can't. You
13:10
Speaker 1: obviously cannot be doing that. That is, that is just
13:12
Speaker 1: fucking exhausting as you can imagine, as you don't even
13:15
Speaker 1: need to imagine it, as you can see. Okay, next question.
13:23
Speaker 1: This one is called I Love him, but I'm not
13:26
Speaker 1: in love with him. High alexis longtime listener. I absolutely
13:30
Speaker 1: frothed your pod and how to Be More Assertive episode
13:33
Speaker 1: was on my go to drive every morning to the
13:35
Speaker 1: most toxic job. I love that. It really helped me
13:38
Speaker 1: shut people's shit down and got me feeling powerful without
13:41
Speaker 1: being an absolute asshole. Big love. I love that so much. Okay,
13:44
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna resurrect that episode How to Be
13:47
Speaker 1: More Assertive. Okay, so back to my debacle long story,
13:50
Speaker 1: fucking tiny Love. I'm already loving this. My ex and
13:54
Speaker 1: I split in June twenty twenty five after nine years,
13:57
Speaker 1: two kids, houses, dogs, jobs, etc. So this is full
14:01
Speaker 1: on Obviously. I always considered him my best friend and
14:04
Speaker 1: my rock. We live. We have the same test in music, food, friends,
14:07
Speaker 1: extracurricular activities, and share the same views in parenting and
14:10
Speaker 1: have a similar sense of humor. But I broke up
14:13
Speaker 1: with him because we never were able to have a
14:16
Speaker 1: serious discussion about important relationship issues such as money. Every
14:21
Speaker 1: time the word was even mentioned, we would argue I'm
14:25
Speaker 1: a worker. I love working and went back to work
14:27
Speaker 1: early after having two kids. The second birth was diabolical
14:30
Speaker 1: and we both nearly lost our lives. Oh my god,
14:32
Speaker 1: I hate that for you. He, however, hates working but
14:35
Speaker 1: loves spending. This is our relationship, and as long as
14:38
Speaker 1: I could pick up the slack, I would. June twenty
14:41
Speaker 1: twenty five, he lost his job. He got a pay out,
14:43
Speaker 1: and once again spent it all on himself. I had
14:45
Speaker 1: enough and left. I was making the money, cleaning the house, groceres, appointments, bills, etc.
14:50
Speaker 1: It was all on me. I figured I'm doing it
14:53
Speaker 1: on my own anyway, so I'll be fine. I moved
14:55
Speaker 1: out in August twenty twenty five and have my own
14:57
Speaker 1: house with all my own things where I want them.
14:59
Speaker 1: We split the kids fifty to fifty, and I'm absolutely thriving.
15:02
Speaker 1: I haven't dated, I barely see friends, but I'm absolutely
15:06
Speaker 1: loving this life. But him and I are still on
15:09
Speaker 1: good terms. He wants me back. He's gone through his
15:11
Speaker 1: own journey, and I can see that he has matured.
15:14
Speaker 1: His communication is amazing. We go to the gym together
15:16
Speaker 1: and still have family dinners and sleepovers every now and then.
15:20
Speaker 1: My dilemma is, after everything that happened between us, my
15:23
Speaker 1: love for him is gone. I love him, but I'm
15:26
Speaker 1: not in love with him. How the actual fuck can
15:28
Speaker 1: I consider moving back in with him after such a
15:31
Speaker 1: huge life change. My lease ends this August or August
15:34
Speaker 1: this year, and I'm trying to picture being back at
15:36
Speaker 1: his house. It feels uncomfortable, and I don't want to
15:39
Speaker 1: make the same mistake again after having already taken the
15:41
Speaker 1: steps to leave. What the fuck do I do? Our
15:45
Speaker 1: kids love us together. I'd love spending time with him.
15:47
Speaker 1: I see the change, but I don't know if it's
15:50
Speaker 1: worth me going back to potentially the same situation, or
15:52
Speaker 1: if it's better for me to stay where I am,
15:54
Speaker 1: where I'm my biggest problem. Okay, firstly, you're not your
15:58
Speaker 1: biggest problem. You got rid of the biggest problem, which
16:00
Speaker 1: was this unhappy marriage and financial situation that you were in,
16:05
Speaker 1: So there is no biggest problem right now. I actually
16:08
Speaker 1: think that there is no issue here. I think you
16:11
Speaker 1: have it all sorted out. I don't know why you
16:14
Speaker 1: actually are considering moving back in with him. I know,
16:17
Speaker 1: obviously you know, I understand it from the perspective of
16:21
Speaker 1: the family. But you've already done the move, You've already
16:24
Speaker 1: moved out of the house, You've already created normality. I
16:27
Speaker 1: know that. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not being
16:30
Speaker 1: naive and thinking that the motivation to have you guys
16:33
Speaker 1: together for the sake of the children would be the reason.
16:36
Speaker 1: I can imagine how difficult it would be doing fifty
16:39
Speaker 1: to fifty. You know, as someone who has children, like
16:43
Speaker 1: I understand that that kind of dilemma that you're in,
16:46
Speaker 1: But you also have to think about the overall health
16:50
Speaker 1: of the family. What kind of person are you going
16:53
Speaker 1: to be if you are living together and trying to
16:57
Speaker 1: make it work with someone that you do not love
16:59
Speaker 1: anymore at the moment. There's a lot of harmony. You said,
17:02
Speaker 1: our kids love us together. So you're having sleep just
17:05
Speaker 1: spending time together. There is a lot of harmony there.
17:08
Speaker 1: So you've got to think what is going to weigh
17:10
Speaker 1: more having us together so I can be with the
17:12
Speaker 1: children all the time and he can be with the
17:14
Speaker 1: children all the time. That's obviously very important. But at
17:17
Speaker 1: the same time, if I'm in this situation where we
17:19
Speaker 1: have this where we're butting heads again, right now, we're
17:22
Speaker 1: not butting heads, so it's really peaceful. We probably see
17:24
Speaker 1: each other more than than fifty to fifty because of
17:27
Speaker 1: the sleepers, because of the time we spend together, because
17:30
Speaker 1: of this harmony that we've created and this friendship that
17:32
Speaker 1: we have. If we were to live together, would I
17:36
Speaker 1: resent him? Would I be like, would I turn into
17:40
Speaker 1: this foul version of myself where I'm shitty and resentful
17:42
Speaker 1: and have to pick up all the slack and it's
17:44
Speaker 1: all on me, And then I'm exhausted and tired and
17:46
Speaker 1: angry and I'm doing all the housework and all the
17:47
Speaker 1: work and a lot. Right now, you said you're loving
17:50
Speaker 1: your life. Would you still be loving your life? If
17:52
Speaker 1: you moved back in, because it's all well and good
17:54
Speaker 1: to love him as an individual, but you obviously did
17:57
Speaker 1: not love living with him because all these other problems arose.
18:00
Speaker 1: He was leaning on you too heavily, not only financially
18:03
Speaker 1: but also for the mental and physical load around the house,
18:06
Speaker 1: which is a joke in my opinion. And I feel
18:10
Speaker 1: like you've sorted out the problem. Would your children benefit
18:13
Speaker 1: like if you were to move back, But then you
18:17
Speaker 1: take a decline, you get angry, you're resentful, you're shitty,
18:20
Speaker 1: You're not you know, so you're not this happy, relaxed
18:25
Speaker 1: version of yourself anymore because it's now all on you again,
18:27
Speaker 1: and you're pissed off at him. Your relationship with him
18:31
Speaker 1: would deteriorate moving back with him. Now you've got that space,
18:34
Speaker 1: You've got the friendship you said, all these things that
18:36
Speaker 1: you had in common, your best friend, your rock, all
18:38
Speaker 1: these things. So it's like a deep, deep friendship. But
18:41
Speaker 1: the passion of romantic love has gone. So I feel
18:44
Speaker 1: like the dynamic that you have created now is incredible.
18:49
Speaker 1: So I don't think you have to change anything. The
18:52
Speaker 1: real question is the version of that I am that
18:56
Speaker 1: I can show up to my children right now? Is
19:00
Speaker 1: that going to take a beating if I move back
19:02
Speaker 1: in with him? Because yes, it negatively impacts children when
19:06
Speaker 1: you know the parents split up and all of that, obviously,
19:10
Speaker 1: But the thing that impacts children more so than anything
19:13
Speaker 1: is having an environment in which they feel is unsteady.
19:17
Speaker 1: So if they have more of a secure base and
19:21
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of love, and they feel comfortable
19:25
Speaker 1: and safe, and the parents are not together, but there's
19:27
Speaker 1: that love, that safety, that friendship between the parents, that
19:30
Speaker 1: is going to be healthier than being in a household
19:33
Speaker 1: where they feel that there's instability and they're seeing their
19:35
Speaker 1: parents argue all the time. Will they're seeing their parents
19:37
Speaker 1: be angry at each other all the time. So I
19:39
Speaker 1: don't want you to gild yourself into thinking, oh my god,
19:41
Speaker 1: like us being together as the be all end all.
19:43
Speaker 1: But if it means you fighting, arguing, bickering, resenting each other,
19:46
Speaker 1: then is that the solution? You know, it's important that
19:50
Speaker 1: you have a really sound like mental health and you're
19:54
Speaker 1: happy and you're thriving, because that does rub off on
19:56
Speaker 1: your children as well. So I think that you've really
20:00
Speaker 1: got to look at is it possible to keep the
20:03
Speaker 1: dynamic as it is now keeping you know, keeping that
20:06
Speaker 1: nice involved friendship with the with the father of your
20:10
Speaker 1: children and having those sleepers and having the family dinners,
20:13
Speaker 1: and you know, sometimes it's really nice to be able
20:16
Speaker 1: to show children an example of what real love can
20:21
Speaker 1: look like. This is respect. This is love and respect
20:23
Speaker 1: for the father of your children and a person that
20:25
Speaker 1: you have a deep friendship with, but it's not a
20:27
Speaker 1: romantic love anymore. And to show a really healthy example
20:30
Speaker 1: of that to children is incredible. And a lot of
20:32
Speaker 1: people are never able to do something like that, you know,
20:35
Speaker 1: they're never given the opportunity or they don't have that
20:37
Speaker 1: kind of ability within the breakup to do that, and
20:41
Speaker 1: a lot of people to kill for that kind of dynamic.
20:43
Speaker 1: I know that he wants to be back with you,
20:45
Speaker 1: but I feel like you've outgrown him, unfortunately for him.
20:49
Speaker 1: So that would be my advice, if can you just
20:52
Speaker 1: keep doing what you're doing, because it seems like, I
20:54
Speaker 1: don't know, it just seems like things are working quite
20:57
Speaker 1: well and it would be a shame for you to
21:00
Speaker 1: revert back to something that really absolutely wasn't working for
21:02
Speaker 1: you in the first place. Well, I mean, at least
21:04
Speaker 1: at the end of things all right, final question, since Hi,
21:11
Speaker 1: alexis love the podcast. I'm reaching out because I'm at
21:14
Speaker 1: a point in my life where I'm pivoting. I never
21:16
Speaker 1: thought I would be here, but life has led me
21:18
Speaker 1: to this place. I've been studying nursing for the past
21:21
Speaker 1: four years. During that time, I moved to the States
21:23
Speaker 1: and transferred universities, but not all of my credits were applied,
21:27
Speaker 1: and I've also failed some subjects. Through this, I've realized
21:30
Speaker 1: I haven't been living in alignment with myself, and this
21:33
Speaker 1: university lifestyle just doesn't work for me. I've been chronically
21:37
Speaker 1: stressed and I've had enough. Right now, I don't really
21:40
Speaker 1: know what I'm doing next. I'm twenty nine, and when
21:42
Speaker 1: I look back on my twenties so far, I realized
21:44
Speaker 1: I haven't traveled, even though it's something I've always wanted
21:47
Speaker 1: to do. My plan is to work full time, save
21:50
Speaker 1: and travel while also figuring out my next move. Eventually,
21:53
Speaker 1: I want to do something meaningful, maybe a traineeship or
21:56
Speaker 1: studying at TAFE. Because I still want a role where
21:58
Speaker 1: I can help others and be of service. I just
22:01
Speaker 1: don't know what that looks like yet. So I wanted
22:03
Speaker 1: to ask how do I know that whatever I choose
22:06
Speaker 1: in the future is moving me forward rather than keeping
22:09
Speaker 1: me stagnant or pulling me back. I just want to
22:12
Speaker 1: know that I'm growing. Thank you for reading. I appreciate you. Okay,
22:15
Speaker 1: this is I feel like so many people, one point
22:19
Speaker 1: or another in their life find themselves at this crossroad. Right,
22:21
Speaker 1: You're like, I've done all this stuff, I've done all
22:23
Speaker 1: these subjects. I feel like you kind of have made
22:27
Speaker 1: the conclusion that this is not a career that you
22:29
Speaker 1: want to be in. I would imagine that that's the case.
22:31
Speaker 1: You've thought through it long and hard, and you don't
22:33
Speaker 1: want to be in nursing. So you're thinking, you know,
22:35
Speaker 1: even though I've lost these credits, I've failed these things.
22:38
Speaker 1: It's kind of the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, it is
22:40
Speaker 1: good that if you're on the tail end if your degree,
22:42
Speaker 1: just fucking knock it out and get it done. But
22:43
Speaker 1: if you've got so much left of the degree and
22:45
Speaker 1: it means more money, more time, and a career that
22:47
Speaker 1: you foresure know that you don't want to do, then
22:51
Speaker 1: it's kind of the sunk cost fallacy, spending more time
22:53
Speaker 1: and money in something that you're never going to actually use. Okay,
22:56
Speaker 1: So I understand leaving UNI, and sometimes you have to
22:59
Speaker 1: make that decision to maximize the time that you have
23:04
Speaker 1: to do things that are more importance to you. So
23:07
Speaker 1: that's perfectly fine. You've made that decision, and that's a
23:09
Speaker 1: decision that, whether you travel or not, you're not going
23:11
Speaker 1: to do nursing. So you've got to look at each
23:13
Speaker 1: decision individually. Sometimes we lump it all in one thing
23:16
Speaker 1: and we overcomplicated. So really, decision number one, you don't
23:20
Speaker 1: want to be a nurse anymore. You don't want to
23:22
Speaker 1: dedicate more time and money on all these subjects that
23:25
Speaker 1: when you're just absolutely done, you've decided. And because you
23:29
Speaker 1: said the university life is not for me, but is
23:31
Speaker 1: the nursing lifestyle for you? Because the two completely separate things. Okay,
23:36
Speaker 1: UNI is very short lived and you've got to knock
23:38
Speaker 1: it out in order to get to the career. So
23:40
Speaker 1: it's not a university life. It's a short time in
23:43
Speaker 1: the scheme of your life. So you've got to make
23:45
Speaker 1: sure that you're not quitting just because you don't like UNI,
23:47
Speaker 1: because UNI will be over before you know it. But nursing,
23:51
Speaker 1: so I'm guessing that you're basing this decision on the
23:54
Speaker 1: fact that you don't want to be a nurse. And
23:56
Speaker 1: if that's the case, great, good decision. Okay, Now, twenty
24:01
Speaker 1: nine young, this is a good time to go traveling. Okay,
24:05
Speaker 1: I mean anytime in your life is a good time
24:08
Speaker 1: to go traveling. But you know, you're twenty nine and
24:09
Speaker 1: you're still very young. So I think, yes, work full time,
24:12
Speaker 1: save travel and figure out your next move. I think
24:14
Speaker 1: that's phenomenal because your question is, how do I know
24:18
Speaker 1: that you know what I choose in my future is
24:20
Speaker 1: moving me forward. I think you can only really know
24:24
Speaker 1: that you've moved forward once you've done things, and then
24:26
Speaker 1: you can look back. I think at the time, there
24:29
Speaker 1: are so many things that I've done in my life
24:31
Speaker 1: that while I was doing them, it didn't feel like
24:33
Speaker 1: it was moving me forward, Okay. And the reason it
24:36
Speaker 1: didn't feel like it maybe I felt like I had,
24:40
Speaker 1: you know, attempted something and it didn't go as well
24:42
Speaker 1: as I had thought. Or I had traveled somewhere and
24:45
Speaker 1: I was still missing home. Or I was, you know,
24:49
Speaker 1: trying to launch my tenth blog or a T shirt
24:52
Speaker 1: brand or something and it just was falling flat. So
24:54
Speaker 1: it didn't feel like those things were moving me forward
24:56
Speaker 1: at the time. That's why I feel like, don't put
24:59
Speaker 1: too muchhah thinking. I have to know that this is
25:03
Speaker 1: the right thing right now and it's moving as long
25:04
Speaker 1: as you know deep down that it's not the wrong thing.
25:08
Speaker 1: Because like you were saying, you know you don't want
25:09
Speaker 1: to do nursing, You like you're done with that. Okay,
25:11
Speaker 1: that's fine when you have that knowledge that you're like, yeah,
25:14
Speaker 1: I know I need to walk away, which is good.
25:16
Speaker 1: But a lot of the time, as long as it's action, action, action, action,
25:21
Speaker 1: and momentum, you're doing things. You're saying yes, you're seeing
25:25
Speaker 1: where the doors are opening, and you're taking opportunities. You're
25:28
Speaker 1: having conversations with people. You're meeting people that you never
25:32
Speaker 1: normally would have had a conversation with. You're saying yes
25:34
Speaker 1: to that invitation, you decide to buy that ticket to
25:37
Speaker 1: that city on a whim, and you go all these
25:40
Speaker 1: things that separately and in isolation might not feel like
25:43
Speaker 1: it's that significant overall in your life. Will you know
25:48
Speaker 1: you'll be able to look back and the sum of
25:51
Speaker 1: all those things has led you to have new ideas
25:55
Speaker 1: point you in a new career direction make you realize
25:58
Speaker 1: something about what you want in your life that you
26:00
Speaker 1: never would have seen or experienced or thought possible had
26:03
Speaker 1: you not had this one experience. It's made you wiser,
26:06
Speaker 1: it's made you more resilient, it's you know, they all
26:09
Speaker 1: eventually add up. So all I can tell you is,
26:13
Speaker 1: how do you know whether what you choose is going
26:15
Speaker 1: to move you forward? Is just by taking action, by
26:19
Speaker 1: you taking action on things, by you saying I will
26:22
Speaker 1: take that opportunity, I will attempt that thing, I will
26:25
Speaker 1: keep going, and just not staying stagnant. The only time
26:28
Speaker 1: that I think it's beneficial to stay stagnant is if
26:30
Speaker 1: what you're doing is fulfilling. Let's say you're at home.
26:34
Speaker 1: You love being a homebody, you love going to your
26:37
Speaker 1: work Monday to Friday, having your friends, and you're like,
26:40
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm so fulfilled in my life. This
26:42
Speaker 1: is I've got everything that I need to have. Then
26:45
Speaker 1: that's when you should and I don't even want to
26:46
Speaker 1: say the name stagnant, but it's like staying in one place,
26:49
Speaker 1: not changing too much in your life. If you are
26:51
Speaker 1: fulfilled and really enjoy your life doing you know something
26:57
Speaker 1: that's written quite unquite rapetitive quote unquote, you know, not
27:00
Speaker 1: being that adventurous, then that's brilliant. The aim is to
27:04
Speaker 1: reach fulfillment, and stagnant was the wrong word. I don't
27:07
Speaker 1: think stagnant is the right word because as long as
27:10
Speaker 1: you're feeling fulfilled within yourself, I don't see that as
27:13
Speaker 1: stagnation because stagnation is not a pleasant experience. You're still
27:18
Speaker 1: having moments and important things happen in your life, but
27:21
Speaker 1: you're just not going on these crazy adventures, travel quick
27:23
Speaker 1: this job, start this new job. So that's fine as well.
27:25
Speaker 1: But when you're in a position where you're like I'm
27:28
Speaker 1: still looking for growth, I'm still looking to find things
27:31
Speaker 1: that are really meaningful for me or purpose, then action
27:35
Speaker 1: is the way to go. Keep saying yes to opportunities,
27:37
Speaker 1: keep trying new things. The answer won't land in your lap.
27:41
Speaker 1: It normally comes from trial and error. It normally comes
27:44
Speaker 1: from a combination of things where then you have a realization.
27:47
Speaker 1: For me, it definitely was the case. My twenties were
27:49
Speaker 1: a little bit all over the place. I had these
27:50
Speaker 1: aha moments of this is going to be my career
27:53
Speaker 1: many times before I actually found what my career was.
27:56
Speaker 1: I thought I knew what I wanted before turning around
27:58
Speaker 1: being like absolutely fuckingnot many times. Okay, And that's a
28:02
Speaker 1: good thing because a lot of open doors and a
28:05
Speaker 1: lot of closed doors helped kind of redirect, redirect, redirect.
28:09
Speaker 1: But one thing I can say, if I was to
28:11
Speaker 1: look at my twenties in isolation, it felt like a
28:14
Speaker 1: bit of a shambles. But if I look at it
28:16
Speaker 1: as one bigger picture after the fact, then I could
28:20
Speaker 1: see how it got me to where I am now.
28:22
Speaker 1: So my answer to you is just keep moving saying
28:25
Speaker 1: yes and walking through those open doors, having the bias
28:29
Speaker 1: in you to look for opportunities where normally you wouldn't
28:31
Speaker 1: be looking for them. You're going to wake up every
28:33
Speaker 1: day saying, what opportunity awaits me around this corner? How
28:35
Speaker 1: can I look and find the opportunities that are just
28:38
Speaker 1: they're ready and waiting. An opportunity could just be talking
28:41
Speaker 1: to someone and creating a friendship, you know, having that conversation,
28:46
Speaker 1: reading that article and it's sparking an idea. There's always
28:49
Speaker 1: things you can do in your life that shakes up
28:51
Speaker 1: your norm that can spark an idea, you know, give
28:56
Speaker 1: you a new awareness and you know point you in
28:58
Speaker 1: a brand new direction. So I think you're doing the
29:01
Speaker 1: right thing. I think you've set yourself up to be
29:03
Speaker 1: able to start carving that life out for yourself. But
29:06
Speaker 1: don't be too help and on feeling that this is
29:08
Speaker 1: the right thing at the time. Just think, as long
29:11
Speaker 1: as I'm you know, moving, and I've got that momentum,
29:14
Speaker 1: then it is going to be the right thing eventually.
29:16
Speaker 1: If I don't feel it now, it's going to be eventually,
29:18
Speaker 1: you know, illaw full into place. Okay, hopefully that helped, guys.
29:22
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sending in your messages. Absolutely
29:24
Speaker 1: love your questions, and that is all for today's head
29:27
Speaker 1: Noise episode. Of course, if you do want to keep
29:29
Speaker 1: sending in, you can either send an email at info
29:32
Speaker 1: at dyfmpod dot com or you can send your voice
29:35
Speaker 1: messages into the website, which is www dot dyfmpod dot com.
29:40
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, as always remembered, becind, to yourself,
29:43
Speaker 1: becuand to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and
29:45
Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't care