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Rupture Repair Cycle: The #1 Issue for Couples · Trauma Free Relationship

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I see this play out in front of me all the time with my couples.
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They'll come in, they'll sit down and they'll begin
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discussing something important about their relationship.
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That's why they're there. And what will happen is they
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begin to discuss it. Something will shift.
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Something will not have settled very well for one partner in
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what was said or described and hear What I see play out is they
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begin to have a rupture in real life right in front of me.
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Now I could back up and say on some level the whole reason
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they're there is because they have difficulty repairing
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ruptures, but they also have difficulty recognizing those
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ruptures. And so when this begins to
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happen, what I can see unfold in real time in front of me is 1
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partner starts to get defensive. Their their words become more
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sharp, their body posture shifts, their tone begins to
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shift and and as it does, it begins to then hit the other
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partner and they become defensive as well.
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And so here we go. We're playing out in real life
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this whole rupture and repair cycle right in front of me.
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And one of the best things I can do is to stop and slow the
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couple down and to help them be able to recognize what is
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happening to them right then and right there.
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Because what I find is so many couples struggle to be able to
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even recognize ruptures that happen when they first happen so
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that they can actively take, take and make repairs quicker by
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being able to be more pre emptive about it before they get
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they dive down into the hole too far and too deep into some kind
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of conflict. They need to be able to
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recognize what's happening right there in front of them as it
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unfolds. And so that's what we're going
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to talk about today. We're going to talk about the
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rupture and repair cycle in relationships.
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Let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
2:24
scientifically informed information as well as the tools
2:27
to help you create a secure connection between you and your
2:30
partner. And here's your host, Tom
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Phillip. OK, all couples have ruptures in
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their relationship. A rupture is simply a break in
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the emotional bond. It's a disconnection between
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partners. And it should be normalized
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because there's not a relationship on earth that
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doesn't have some type of rupture every now and then.
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Now, ruptures can be small. They can be misattunements
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between partners, sort of like the example I gave at the
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opening of this podcast, just as you're discussing things with
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your partner. We don't quite get the full
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context, the deeper meaning of what each other is saying.
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Or something hits US wrong and brings up some funny feelings
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for us, and all of a sudden we find that we're getting a little
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bit defensive. This may not be a huge rupture,
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something that what we might call more of a misattunement
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between partners, but it can be the beginning of a rupture in
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the relationship. And we can of course have larger
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ruptures as well. Hopefully those are very, very
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rare. Small ruptures, misatunements
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can be often times repaired quicker.
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But larger ruptures, those take time and often they can leave
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much deeper scars on each individual and in the
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relationship as a whole. Larger ruptures might be
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something along the lines of a betrayal of trust.
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Maybe one partner was hiding money or secretly drinking or
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doing something that that was a violation of trust, a violation
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of an agreement in the relationship for how each
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partner conducts themselves. Or it could be an affair, or it
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could be some type of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
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And of course all these can lead to trauma.
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Any type of repair can lead to trauma and that can be sort of
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the clinical symptoms of trauma like PTSD or it can be
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relational trauma in the sense that it can trigger those deeper
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wounds that are already there and be re traumatizing for one
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or both of the partners. Now the rupture repair cycle is
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not inherently negative itself. It can actually be healthy for
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the couple. When there are ruptures and they
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do get repaired, then it's through the repair process that
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the couples learn how to grow together.
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Because when they repair, they deepen their understanding of
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their needs for each other and for themselves, and then they're
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better able to communicate those needs to one another.
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And it's also how through this process, the rupture and repair
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process, that the couple builds trust and builds resilience.
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It's something that I call a collective confidence because
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when the partners learn how to repair, then they can become
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confident that if they do have a rupture, there's an internal
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sense of security that we're going to get through this.
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We're going to figure this out, Yes, this is this is hurts or or
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this is uncomfortable for us to be where we are.
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We much prefer being connected, but when we're disconnected,
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there is this internal confidence that we can make
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repairs and we can get back to a place of connection.
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And over time, that builds resilience and it builds trust.
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It builds trust because it sends a signal to each partner that
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their partner, the other one, is willing to listen and understand
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and discover what it is they need at different times in the
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relationship. And that's a very powerful
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message to be sending to your partner when we make repairs in
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the rupture and repair cycle to be able to communicate.
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And I don't mean necessarily in words, but through the repair
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process, we are communicating to our partner that I love you,
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that I want to learn more about you, that I want to discover
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more of what makes you tick of, of, of being seen and understood
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at a deeper level that just strengthens the relationship and
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it creates more resilience over time.
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So a repaired cycle looks like this.
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The couple is in connection, there's a rupture, the repair is
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created, and then the couple goes back to a place of
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connection. They go back to the connecting
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or to the established emotional bond between the two of them.
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An unrepaired cycle looks like this.
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There's connection, there is rupture, there is unresolved or
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no repair, and then there is a lingering of disconnection in
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the relationship. It might be eventually that the
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couple comes back and and connects again, but it's not
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because they've repaired the rupture, They've repaired what
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has happened. It could be they just allowed
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enough time to to get back to their normal.
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They're going on with life normal, so they begin to soften
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and talk to each other. Maybe it's over a safe subject
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like the kids, or maybe it's about an upcoming event that
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they have and how they're going to coordinate transportation.
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But, but dialogue begins to enter back into the
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relationship, not because we're repairing what happened, but
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because one or both partners get tired of the icy cold separation
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between the two. And so there might be a
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normalization in in the relationship where the couple
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gets back to baseline, but it's not because they've repaired
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what happens. And as a result, they sort of
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sweep things under the rug. And then the couple begins to
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wonder why they keep tripping over the large lump in the rug,
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why they keep encountering the same problems and the same cycle
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plays out. And it's often because they are
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not making the repairs, they're not actually growing together as
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a couple. So I I think about a little bit
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like this, the rupture repair cycle.
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If there's a broken branch that needs mending on a tree.
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So let's say a branch snaps and it leaves a raw wound in the
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tree. With time and with care, the
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tree forms a callus, sometimes stronger than the original
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would. So the repairing, the break in
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that branch actually allows for growth to continue.
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And I think that's a great metaphor for us as couples.
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When we have ruptures, it can actually come back and be
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strengthened and strengthen the relationship.
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As I said, it can build trust and resilience in the
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relationship and actually can make the relationship stronger.
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So shying away from conflict is is not helpful for for certain
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couples. They have to learn how to have
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healthy constructive conflict because they have to have to
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have to learn how to make those repairs.
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When ruptures happen. Now the rupture is not nearly as
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important as the repair. Couples learning how to make
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timely repairs when ruptures occur is probably the number one
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issue they have. It may be one of the top issues
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that bring couples into therapy with me and I see this all the
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time. It's the lack of being able to
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repair the ruptures that often let's negativity creep in and
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and it creates the cycles, the negative cycles that we talk
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about whether they're trauma cycles where each persons
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defensiveness has triggered the others trauma wound or you know
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it's just prolonged negativity that over time creeps into the
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relationship that then really begins to turn the relationship
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into resentment and sometimes even into contempt.
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So learning how to repair and make those repairs are
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absolutely crucial for the couple.
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Now I want to describe what repair looks like with trauma,
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because repairing with trauma is different than without trauma.
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So couples that have past traumas, they struggle more to
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repair their ruptures. First of all, if couples that
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have past trauma, they tend to have more ruptures more often
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and they tend to be more profound.
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They tend to be deeper, harder. Sometimes the wound is is more
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salient in the relationship and they often stay defensive longer
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and are less able to self soothe themselves and they tend to
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misjudge their partner's intentions.
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So it's not that my partner misspoke, It's not that my
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partner was was not clear in their communication or was
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struggling to get the words out whether it was my partner
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intended to hurt me. Not that they did hurt me, but
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their intention was to hurt me and so they misjudged their
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partners intentions and a lot of this comes up because of the
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past trauma. And so this, this type of repair
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work is harder for couples that have past trauma.
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Now couples that don't have trauma, first of all, they tend
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to not have as many ruptures and repairs.
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I hope they have some, I really do, because all relationships
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need to be tested. If a relationship is not tested,
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then I don't know how it learns how to go the distance.
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So all relationships need to be tested to some degree, but they
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tend to have fewer ruptures. The ruptures tend to not be as
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deep or as difficult as couples that have trauma, and they're
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usually repaired more quickly. They tend to apologize quicker
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and to soften into their vulnerability more with each
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other. They tend to be able to draw
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upon their secure attachment style often because they can
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turn towards each other when they're vulnerable, and they
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they are able to reach out and express their hurt and express
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their needs. So they're also more quick to be
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able to understand each other's perspectives and to be able to
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restore that connection with one another.
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So there is a difference between couples that have past trauma
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and couples that don't, and it's often not fair.
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If you've had past trauma, again, it's not your fault what
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happens to you, but it is your responsibility to start working
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towards healing that yourself because it plays out in your
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relationships and you deserve better.
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You deserve a relationship where you feel safe and secure and you
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feel safe to be able to turn to your partner and ask for help or
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to reveal your vulnerabilities. You deserve to have that kind of
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relationship, and trauma disrupts that, that ability to
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have that security in a relationship.
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And and it does so because in part when a rupture happens, it
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disconnects you longer and makes it more difficult to make those
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repairs. So let's talk about if you have
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anxious attachment, what does the rupture repair process look
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like for somebody that has anxious attachment?
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How do they try to make repairs that often don't work?
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So somebody with anxious attachment might try to make
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repairs as they push to resolve things immediately.
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So the anxiety with the rupture that is created in the anxiously
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attached individual, they want to resolve that as quickly as
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possible. And so they will often be
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aggressive or push or they will pressure their partner to re
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establish connection. They will try to fix the issues
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before they really even understand their partner's
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feelings. They might OfferUp solutions.
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OK, well, let's just do this. OK, well, let's just do that
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because they want to get back to that place of connection.
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Because again, that anxiety that is coming up for them is so
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overwhelming internally inside the anxiously attached partner
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that they just want to fix it so they can get back to a place of
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connection. But they skip over very crucial
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steps in doing so. And the first step is being able
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to 1 acknowledge there was a rupture, but to be able to use
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empathy to understand where their partner was coming from,
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what was happening for their partner, What were the deeper
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feelings that were going on? What was their perspective of
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the rupture itself? They might try to criticize,
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blame, or project the problem onto their partner.
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Again, these are all attempts of the anxiously attached person
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that are trying to make repairs, but they're doing so at a
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tremendous cost to the relationship.
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They might get louder to be heard.
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They might attack their partner and have little insight into
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their own contribution. Again, they might, they might
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end up trying to turn up the heat and pressure their partner
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for reconnection before they really begin to understand
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what's going on in their partner with their partner.
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So what is, what is the repair process look like for avoidantly
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attached individuals? So how do they try to make
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repairs that that often don't work, that keep them stuck, that
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keep the repair or the rupture repair cycle continuing in terms
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of the ruptures prolonged is what I'm trying to say here.
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Well, they might shut down in order to not make things worse.
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This is a classic avoidant attachment style of coping.
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They shut down. I don't want to say anything
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that's going to make it worse. I don't want to say anything
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that is going to make my partner more upset and so they just
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disengage from the conversation. They tend to withdraw in order
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to control their anxiety. And keep in mind here, the
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avoidantly attached partner. They might cut off their
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emotions, but it doesn't often mean that they have no emotions
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whatsoever. It's just that they are so good
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at controlling it, at moving away from it, or at at at
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shutting it down that on the outside it looks like they are
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uncaring. It looks like they have no
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feelings from the outside, but in the inside, often times they
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are just as overwhelmed with anxiety as their anxiously
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attached partner might be. So part of the way they try to
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control their anxiety is to shut it down is to emotionally
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disengage or literally leave the room.
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They might remove themselves, as I said, from the situation, in
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order to regulate their anger. Maybe.
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Maybe they get pushed to a point where they can explode with
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anger and say things that are extremely hurtful in an attempt
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to end the argument, in an attempt to put an end to the
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conflict and and the rupture and not make things worse.
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They might get quiet because they get overwhelmed.
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Or they might choose to appease their partner just to stop the
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fight. OK, you're right.
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You're right. I'm wrong.
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OK, sure. That's right.
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No, I get it. I hear you.
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They're just appeasing their partner.
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I'll, I'll say whatever I need to say right now so that this
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rupture doesn't continue. Or they might use their anger to
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protect their more vulnerable feelings.
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So if if a avoidant partner is pushed long enough, then often
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times a a reactive rage will come out because they don't have
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access to their vulnerable feelings that will really allow
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them to stay connected during the rupture.
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So they will feel pushed to a point that then they will just
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do anything to end the argument and and to try to get back to a
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place of repair which obviously doesn't work because in the rage
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they say things that can be very, very destructive and very,
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very hurtful. So those are different types of
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ways that the anxious and avoidantly attached partners
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might try to repair their ruptures.
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I want to close with this. What are some effective repairs?
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And I have a feeling that this isn't going to be the last time
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that I have a podcast on the rupture repair process, but I
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want to be able to provide some ideas of what does it take to
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have effective repair attempts. Well, one of the first things is
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to take responsibility owning up to your role in the conflict and
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apologizing for any hurt that you caused, whether it was
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intentional or not. So one, you have to acknowledge
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that there's been a rupture. And and just like I, the way I
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opened this podcast with talking about couples that are on my
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couch and when I see a rupture begin to happen, I will stop.
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I will slow it down. I will say, hey, did you
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recognize what just happened here?
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Did you see that? What did that feel like to both
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of you? What was happening?
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There's something really important is happening here, and
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I think we just need to pause and acknowledge what it is.
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So being able to acknowledge it is really important.
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And then secondly, taking responsibility.
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Ruptures don't happen by themselves.
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It takes two people to have a rupture in a relationship.
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And whether you've said something or not said something,
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you still have a role in that rupture.
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And so being able to take responsibility for your part is
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really important. Another effective repair is
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using empathy to try to understand each others protects
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perspectives and feelings. And this is crucial because this
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is part of the growth process for couples.
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If we're going to make a repairer, we have to be able to
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understand what was my partner thinking?
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What was my partner feeling? Did they just say something
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wrong that came out? Or did they not realize they
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were using a tone? Or did they mean what they say,
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but I just don't have the full context of what they're actually
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trying to communicate? It takes empathy to be able to
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step into your partner's shoes and to be able to try to
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understand their perspective and their feelings of what happened
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in the rupture. And of course, to do that, you
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have to be able to create open communication, which means that
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we have to be able to regulate our emotions enough that we can
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have open dialogue with our partner, so talking openly and
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honestly about the issue without blame or defensiveness.
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And so if we can't create that, then we stay stuck in a
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defensive cycle and we stay stuck in a rupture without the
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repair. And then if we're able to take
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that final step and we're able to take responsibility,
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acknowledge the rupture, use empathy to understand each
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person's perspective, and we're building that open communication
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with one another, then more often than not, what I find is
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that couples are more than capable of being able to make
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those repairs come back together to a place of connection with a
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deeper understanding of each other and themselves and what
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they need in the relationship. And then they're able to go that
23:23
extra step and sometimes be able to forgive one another.
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Forgiveness doesn't always have to be from a massive rupture.
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It doesn't mean that I'm forgiving my partner for an
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affair, although that can happen as well.
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Forgiveness can also be small. Oh, it makes sense to me.
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You just misspoke there. Oh, OK.
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I get the deeper meaning of what you're trying to say.
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There I was hung up on this word and and I went down this path
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instead of the other which you intended me to go down.
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And I could see how that miscommunication happened.
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So often times with forgiveness we can let go of the anger and
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the resentment and we can begin to move forward in the
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relationship, which again creates trust and resilience
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when we repair our ruptures. Thank you very much for
24:13
listening today. Hey, as we post these, please
24:17
let us know what we can do to make this a more useful and
24:21
helpful podcast for you. I'm trying to get out this
24:24
information that I think is most important based on what I'm
24:28
seeing of all my years of working with couples and my
24:32
years of study and education and everything else, and just my
24:35
passion for resolving trauma within relationships and
24:39
creating trauma free relationships.
24:41
So I'd love to hear back from you.
24:43
Don't forget, if you need help with any of this stuff, you can
24:47
go to one of our links in the podcast page.
24:50
You can sign up for a a coaching session.
24:53
I'd love to put some names with faces and and help you guys with
24:57
any of the concepts that we're talking about here.
25:01
So if you are questioning or or or have difficulty with
25:04
something, don't hesitate to reach out.
25:07
Until then, we'll talk to you next time.
25:11
Thank you for listening to Trauma Free Relationship, a
25:14
podcast for the healing of attachment trauma.
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You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, or our website at
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