Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #736 Beck Delahoy - Regulating Big Feelings in Big People

Transcript

#736 Beck Delahoy - Regulating Big Feelings in Big People · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: All this week on the Happy Families Podcast, I'm doing
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  Speaker 2: my best to have a no devices, no work holiday
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  Speaker 2: break with my family. As a result, we've brought in
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  Speaker 2: a special guest. Beck Delahoy is a former researcher. She
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  Speaker 2: now writes about parenting rather than her niche field of neuropsychiatry.
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  Speaker 2: She's a homeschool mum raising her three kids in Melbourne
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  Speaker 2: with a husband of seven years, and you can find
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  Speaker 2: out more about Beck with her substack, Beckdelahoy dot substack
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  Speaker 2: dot com. We'll link to that in the show notes.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Hello everyone, I'm Beck Delahoy. I'm a mom of three kids,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm Justin's research assistant. I'm also a science nerd.
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  Speaker 1: Pick thing to know about me. Before I moved into
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  Speaker 1: the parent sphere, I was a research assistant studying neuropsychiatry.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I was particularly focused on the way our brains react
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  Speaker 1: when we are thinking about ourselves. So when I say
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  Speaker 1: I know a lot about how our thoughts and feelings work,
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  Speaker 1: I really do mean that I know a lot. But
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  Speaker 1: today I want to share a story about how knowing
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  Speaker 1: intellectually about thoughts and feelings isn't enough to control them. Now.
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  Speaker 1: Back in high school, I learned that psychology is a
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  Speaker 1: study of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We talked about them
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  Speaker 1: as though they were discrete categories. Then when I got
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  Speaker 1: to university, we got more into the nuances of how
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  Speaker 1: they interact and influence each other. Then, when I was
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  Speaker 1: doing my honors project, I gain an even greater understanding
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  Speaker 1: of the roles that our bodies play in our thoughts
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  Speaker 1: and our feelings and our behaviors. Since then, I've looked
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  Speaker 1: into the science even further. We now know better than
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  Speaker 1: ever that cortisol influences our body, which in turn drives
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  Speaker 1: our feelings. We've looked at the placebo effect and how
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: our mind can alleviate symptoms in our bodies. We know
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  Speaker 1: more about poly vague theory and the role of the
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  Speaker 1: vagus nerve and emotion regulation. We're even learning about how
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  Speaker 1: our gut microbiota can impact our emotions and that it
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  Speaker 1: has a role in mental health disorders. But intellectually knowing
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  Speaker 1: that the body plays a role isn't enough. When we
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  Speaker 1: really understand the role our bodies play in driving, our
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  Speaker 1: thoughts and feelings were even more empowered to emotionally regulate ourselves.
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  Speaker 1: Here's what that can look like. The other day, I
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  Speaker 1: was driving home from a busy day and thinking about
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  Speaker 1: all the things I still needed to get through. I
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  Speaker 1: had only a few hours left before bed and a
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  Speaker 1: very long to do list of things that really needed
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  Speaker 1: to get done. I knew that I was stressed, so
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  Speaker 1: I thought I should make a plan for how to
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  Speaker 1: tackle everything. I thought that having a plan of how
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  Speaker 1: I was going to get through everything I might to
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  Speaker 1: do list would take the stress away. Only it didn't.
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  Speaker 1: I still felt stressed. Actually, I was even more stressed
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  Speaker 1: because I still felt stressed even with the plan. I
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  Speaker 1: thought it must be because my plan wasn't good enough.
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  Speaker 1: I kept trying to think away out of my stress,
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  Speaker 1: trying to make a plan, trying to perfect it, trying
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  Speaker 1: to get rid of this stress, but it wasn't working.
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  Speaker 1: Then I remembered I had been trying to calm my
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  Speaker 1: feelings through my thoughts alone, but my feelings were still
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  Speaker 1: hiding in my body. When our bodies are overwhelmed with feelings,
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  Speaker 1: we can't logically talk ourselves back to calm. We need
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  Speaker 1: to find where our feelings are hiding in our bodies
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  Speaker 1: and then work those feelings out. My body was stressed
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  Speaker 1: because it was flooded with cortisol. I needed to do
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  Speaker 1: something to calm down my fight or flight response and
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  Speaker 1: clear the stress hormones out of my body. Once I
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  Speaker 1: remembered that I was able to do some body awareness practices,
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  Speaker 1: I scanned through my body and realized I was carrying
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  Speaker 1: atension in my jaw, doing shallow chest breathing, and had
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  Speaker 1: tight shoulders. Maybe you carry a tension differently, but I
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  Speaker 1: guarantee you've got some hidden in your body somewhere. From there,
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  Speaker 1: I could do some relaxation exercises. I started by lengthening
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  Speaker 1: my breath inhale one two three, four, hold, exhale one
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  Speaker 1: two three, four, five six, hold and repeat. I focused
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  Speaker 1: on getting the breath into my abdomen, feeling my whole lungs.
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  Speaker 1: I could already feel my stress levels beginning to lower.
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  Speaker 1: Then I worked on relaxing out the tension of my
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  Speaker 1: daring shoulders. With each exhalation, I focused on relaxing those muscles.
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  Speaker 1: I imagine my breath carrying away the stress like I
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  Speaker 1: was breathing out my tension into a river which was
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  Speaker 1: carrying my warriors away. After about ten minutes of progressive
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  Speaker 1: relaxation and intentional breathing, I felt so much calmer. I
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  Speaker 1: had moved my body out of a fight or flight
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  Speaker 1: response and released the tension in my body. Now I
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  Speaker 1: still had a huge list of things to get through,
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  Speaker 1: but now the logical part of my brain was back
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  Speaker 1: in control, no longer hijacked by the emotional part of
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  Speaker 1: my brain that was being fed stress and anxiety from
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  Speaker 1: my body. Next time you realize your emotions are building,
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  Speaker 1: don't just rely on your thoughts to regulate you. It
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  Speaker 1: might work sometimes, but if you don't locate and flush
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  Speaker 1: out the feelings in your body, they will continue to build.
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  Speaker 1: You'll be still carrying around your feelings of sad, lonely, angry,
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  Speaker 1: or worry, but you won't even realize they're there because
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  Speaker 1: they'll be disguised as tight shoulders, shallow breathing, fidgety fingers,
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  Speaker 1: or an elevated heart rate. Next time a stress or
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  Speaker 1: trigger happens, your body will be at the ready to
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  Speaker 1: trigger your emotional part of the brain into launching a
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  Speaker 1: full body fight or flight response, which is exactly why
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  Speaker 1: it's so easy for us and our kids to bubble
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  Speaker 1: over and explode over what seems like a small issue
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  Speaker 1: at the end of a big day. Emotional regulation works
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  Speaker 1: best when you find where your feelings are hiding in
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  Speaker 1: your body in the first place. Becoming more aware of
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  Speaker 1: your body is a crucial first step. One way of
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  Speaker 1: doing this is doing a daily body scan. In moments
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  Speaker 1: of relative calm. You'll be able to identify where your
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  Speaker 1: feelings normally hard without trying to battle your fight or
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  Speaker 1: flight response at the same time. Start by drawing attention
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  Speaker 1: to your feet, then legs. Feel for tension in your hands, arms,
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  Speaker 1: and shoulders. Draw your awareness to your back, to your neck,
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  Speaker 1: to your jaw, mouth, and forehead. Once you've found your feelings,
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  Speaker 1: try some progressive relaxation. Focus on one part of your
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  Speaker 1: body at a time, letting go of tension with each exhale.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes it can help to intentionally squeeze that part of
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  Speaker 1: your body on your inhale so that you can really
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  Speaker 1: let it go when you exhale. Try doing this for
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  Speaker 1: about ten minutes at a time. With practice, you'll be
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  Speaker 1: able to find your feelings and relax them out of
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  Speaker 1: your body quickly, and then be able to use this
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  Speaker 1: technique in moments of heightened emotions. This is also a
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  Speaker 1: great practice to do with kids before bed. By modeling
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  Speaker 1: emotional regulation in times of calm, they'll respond much easier
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  Speaker 1: when their own feelings are tumultuous and you're trying to
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  Speaker 1: co regulate with them. Feelings hired in your body, but
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  Speaker 1: they don't have to stay where they can unconsciously drive
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  Speaker 1: your behavior. Emotional regulation tools such as body awareness and
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  Speaker 1: progressive relaxation can help move you back into the driver's seat,
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  Speaker 1: allowing you to feel empowered and in control of your
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  Speaker 1: body and mind again. I hope that works for you,
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  Speaker 1: and if you want to hear more from me, please
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  Speaker 1: find me at Instagram, at bech delahoy or at substack
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  Speaker 1: Bechdelahoy dot substack dot com. That's b e c K
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  Speaker 1: D E l A h O Y.
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  Speaker 2: I hope you really enjoyed Beck's ideas. You can read
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  Speaker 2: more from bech Delahoy at Bechdelahoy dot substack dot com.
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  Speaker 2: I've been a really big supporter and fan of what
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  Speaker 2: she's been writing. I think she's doing great work and
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  Speaker 2: her voice is valuable. Becks back again tomorrow on the
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  Speaker 2: happy families place cost