Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / MIguel Lago - Hijopouta III

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MIguel Lago - Hijopouta III · Comedy Central Stand-Up

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Comedy Central Podcast. No. Thank you very much, friends. I don
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' t deserve any less. It' s a real pleasure, a great
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joy, isn' t it? I would dare even say why not what
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a luxury for each and every one of you that I am here. Also,
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among other things, because I want to leave something pointed out, after
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so many years in this house with you, I want to make something clear.
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I am not one of the few artists in this country who, in
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addition to being very attractive, have a way of saying it, a wide
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cultural background. I mean, I' m a person with a very high
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culture. Actually, I have college education. I' m a graduate of
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Hispanic philology. I got a degree in Hispanic philology in case I didn'
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t do well about the show having something safe. I mean, I know
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this is going wrong with me now, and with my philologist' s resume,
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I get the money. I mean, it' s one thing.
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What I want to give you curiously is that there are a lot of people
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working on television, of familiar faces that are also philologists. You didn'
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t know, for example, Jorge Javier Vázquez. Jorge Javier Vázquez is a
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Spanish philologist and faggot, falcon, very faggot. It' s funny to
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say the word faggot. It' s so funny to me, because it
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automatically divides the room into two. There are those who have laughed truth and
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then there are those who have bothered them, that is, the people who
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have offended. Because Miguel La Hago has used the word maricom which is a
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word that evokes the monster of Francoism. I guess right now the social network
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is smoking? Why are Assachis smoking? I can already imagine how my twitter
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should be, that is, it must be blown up that if Miguel something
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that if you are a homophobe, that yes, that if you are a
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son of the Great Whore, it has nothing to do with telling someone queer
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but people on Twitter gets hot. That wouldn' t have happened before.
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Before. I' m talking during Francoism why, because I couldn' t
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have said that, because before there was the censor figure. It' s
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worth it to the defender in a man who was going through the theaters saying
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he was going through the script and saying what to say and what not to
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say. He took this and crossed it out. This is not, this
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is not, this is immoral, this is shameful, this is intolerable,
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this cannot be done. Then I almost got to the best of it because
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the dinner was cold, it gave the woman a shit, but because they
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had a confused moral code, because I liked that there were censors I wish.
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They would really come back, uh, I wish, because at least
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I would have located it, I mean, there would be a censor there
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and I would try to dodge it somehow, but there would be one me
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against what I can' t, it' s against what Spain has become,
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which is a country of fifty million censors, fifty million each of us.
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That is, at least, exhausting, always saying what can be said,
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what can be said, what can be said in a newspaper, what
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can be said on a television. That' s tiring and you want to
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tell me I buy any joke that starts with that faggot in Triana neighborhood.
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I buy it good and as the joke is, there' s a faggot,
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a stutterer and a lame fuck stop the car, I mean, tell
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me. Please, I like it. I like it. It makes me
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feel good. In fact, Spanish means what it does to feel modern.
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He grabs to according to what things, for example, to read fifty shades
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of Grey, It is not true to feel modern, fifty shadows and you
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believe all you know this trilogy, which goes basically to fuck, that is,
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to fuck you. I tell, for example, the argument of the
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first novel. In it appears our protagonist, Anastasia Steel, a young girl
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of twenty- three, twenty- four years. What do you know in
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an interview and by chance our protagonist, Christian Grey, multimillionaire twenty- eight
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billionaire years. I' m talking about money, but more, that'
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s to bore you, it' s an exaggerated thing. He pilots his
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own helicopter and is also described as the most beautiful, handsome and attractive man
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in the history of mankind. Don' t ask me why she' s
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attracted to him and she starts a clear relationship that he sets the ground.
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He doesn' t call her a girl. If you want to be with
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me, I want to explain that I' m into s. M.
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Bondash, domination, submission and masochism. Come on, he likes to give
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it, but shit like pianos, that' s ping pam ping. He
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has in his house a quarter of the pain and towards the end of the
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novel, she wants to experiment, he begins to develop according to what behaviors
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with him, but one day he already wants a little more he takes off
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his belt, hits him a marimba I swear to you eh, that is
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the girl seemed. Ben Ur started pite Pa Pi Path. It is known
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that he felt bad and left it and this is how the first novel is
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summed up. I have just saved you twenty- six euros and wasted time
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with real intellectual terrorism. What' s the bet seller? It is the
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best- selling book in Spain for the last fifteen years. It' s
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awesome, I mean, all the women have read it, they' re
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reading it. It' s a pass. I, as an international artist,
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travel a lot and yes always in all airports there is always an aunt
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with the little book of Marras next to me in the waiting room. He
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' s there reading the book and I get nervous. You know why I
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feel like saying" Holy Cochina" to her, but I' m telling
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her anyway, she' s offended because I' m a woman like that.
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Oh, how modern. I' m just reading through grey shadows and
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then you get offended when I give you a dick in the face. Let
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' s get this straight. It' s not normal. It' s
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that double standard that bothers me so much. Imagine me coming out on TV
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in an interview and telling me without a doubt what I like best in bed
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is hitting a woman. I' m not working again. No. No,
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my career is over, it' s over, it' s over,
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but that book can tell you what difference it makes look like. I
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' m gonna tell a story. Ninety- one year, end of year
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Tuesday and thirteen Tuesdays and thirteen, unforgettable duo that made us enjoy Christmas They
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made a very famous sketch that everyone will remember that it was that of my
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husband beats me. He went out to Millan characterized as a woman with a
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black eye and said that I cried ay. My husband beats me, he
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hits me, he beats me like that half an hour, my husband beats
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me, he hits me. And the next sketch passed an advance. The
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show was burying the husband who had died and she cried. Oh, he
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' s gonna hit me now, so he doesn' t hit me anymore.
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The whole of Spain got wild, didn' t applaud the skeech.
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Well, that was wonderful. Today u See the writer who writes it already
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decides not to record it. Let' s say it' s decided to
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record it. It' s recorded, it' s decided not to mount
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it, let' s put it together, decide not to broadcast it,
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let' s say it' s broadcast. The next day they close the
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channel is over and twenty- five years ago and you' re telling me
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we' re more advanced today. That' s not a lie, least
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of all in the smoke humor seen today. If you want to make a
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joke a little bit, you know what I say by squeezing a little bit,
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you have to do it at home, because at home it' s
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the only place you feel safe, unless you' re walkers. This is
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because camels have been robbed of their house. You know, he' s
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been mugged. He' s been assaulted by three Romans. Well, you
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don' t know if they were Romans, but I put my hand on
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the fire. The point is, they broke into his house at dawn.
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They tied him up and gagged him. They tied him up so he wouldn
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' t escape and gagged him so he wouldn' t sing. The news
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case. What struck me powerfully is that they didn' t hit anything.
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They didn' t attack him, they didn' t touch his hair,
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nothing. That' s very nice. I don' t think there'
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s a bigger man who' s born to an artist than to jump into
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his house and not hit him I hope that one day it happens to me,
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look at what I' m saying, because I guess when they were
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preparing the assault, because someone warmed his mouth, we went in there and
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we grabbed him pein pam pan and said another no for real. How we
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' re gonna hit Camilo is this. How we' re going to beat
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the man who made us vibrate with Jesus Christ Superstar. How we' re
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gonna beat the man who made us dance with living like this is dying of
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love. He also made mollamazo. I don' t argue with you,
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but he' s got something on me. Melina forgive me everything for nothing
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and they didn' t hit her how nice? Because with José Luis Moreno
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there was no doubt. Hey I mean, Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha People get hot. Also,
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and today where, when you' re already entangled by something, you
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get angry, so I could say no, no, no, what you
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' re doing today, protest on Twitter, you know on Facebook, put
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on your wall things clear and denounce this whole situation and what you' ve
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said, what you' ve said, because of course, Tuesday and 13
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today I couldn' t work. But Jorge Javier Vázquez, who well,
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Jorge Javier Vázquez can be every afternoon with his cut of suckers on television for
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four hours, tearing apart, vilifying, insulting, and that can be done.
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It' s funny. And the people he does go out on the
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street and he shows that people like him are going at best people get hot
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Twitter. I remember a case. A while ago. You know when she
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died, Sister Mary, Sister Mary, the nun steals children, which is
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how posterity has passed. Sister Maria, the baby nun. The lady died
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at eighty- seven years of age and at that time social networks were combustible.
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I open Twitter and read the tweet of a 17- year- old
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boy. He said I read attention. He had a hundred and twenty characters
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left. He' s got that little. He paid attention, put Fallece,
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Sister Mary. That' s what happens to him as a whore,
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hahahahaha, what I hear, but seriously, for a whore you want to
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come here like eighty- seven years. The ladies are dead for whore.
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You' re telling me seriously You want there really is a direct relationship between
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being a whore and dying. The kid was at home I got the news
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out of the way. That' s what happens to her as a whore
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to send, and she doesn' t care about everything. The boy was
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already coming Calentito who, in a way, I can understand. I can
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understand that you are robbed of your son and you are not upset a priori,
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but I put myself on the other side, year nine hundred and fifty
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- nine, Madrid, a marriage of forty- two. Forty- three
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years, they' ve been married 15 years and have no children. She
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cries every night until she falls asleep, holding her withered belly because she fails
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to make her dream come true as a child, which was to be a
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mother. He' s broken, he' s even started drinking because he
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can' t make the woman of his life happy and that' s killing
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him inside one day. A friend tells him he knows he' s been
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told that he knows about a nun who for a hundred thousand pesetas gives you
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a child and this man mortgages himself, seeks the money from where he doesn
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' t have it. When with a hundred thousand pesetas of the fifty-
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nine year you bought three floors in the center of Madrid, he gets that
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money and like for a baby to make his wife happy. That' s
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the nicest thing I' ve ever seen in my life. Fuck. That
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' s beautiful and also, responsibility, because you have a biological child,
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you drop it in the park and give it to you. You fall off
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a slide, a child who cost you 100, 000 pesetas doesn' t
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forgive him. That' s a lifeless one. You' re in the
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park with a hell of a tension. Good shit and since I' m
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over two years old, consumption doesn' t cover you. See who you
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claim when you' re 15. Dad tells you I' m gothic.
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Go get the nun' s accounts Forget about it You' re sold.
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I understand that some people leave a little bit You know what happens to me,
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I just understand parenthood as something animal. I' m a father,
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I have two children and I understand it this way. In fact, last
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week I was seeing Susana griso because I used to see Ana Rosa, but
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Ana Rosa gets her locked up. Then I see Susana. I was seeing
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Susana when I see a middle- aged marriage with a child about twelve years
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old. Fat ugly glasses good anyway. The point is they were going to
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talk about bullying I see, they' re going to talk about bullying and
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me at home bullying, bullying, a bullying case and me? Bullying?
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Bullying, bullying, so, bullying, bullying me? They' re gonna
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talk about bullying, bullyingbullyin, bullying, so, bullying, bullying and me,
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what' s bullying gonna be? Bullying? They' re going to
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talk about bullying, about what? Bullyin, bullyin, bullyn bullyng, bullying,
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bullying and me, what' s bullying? I' m looking for
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him on the Internet bullying what it was like all my life beating up the
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fool in the class. Now they call him bullying. The point is that
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the mother comes out and says good morning, Susana, thank you for inviting
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us to your show. We' re already desperate, desperate because my son
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gets beat up in high school like a piano laughs at Tube, Christian Gray,
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that is, the child is shocked and we can' t do it
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anymore. We can no longer use it because attention I open quotes says we
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have already put seventeen complaints in the school, fourteen complaints in the Community of
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Madrid and twelve complaints to the Ombudsman of the meno and the child they continue
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to beat good that they have hit him this morning that then we will not
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take out of the recess. I' ve already brought a black eye.
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Don' t you see the makeup one to cover it up and we can
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' t do it anymore. And it fits me like that. I took
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a role and a pen. I started accounting. I say let' s
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see. Let' s see first day your son comes home twelve years old
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with a black eye. You say. These are kid stuff. On the
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second day we already have to if you' re going to talk to the
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teacher, on the third day with the head of studies, on the fourth
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day with the director, on the fifth day threats to report and on the
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sixth you file a complaint. This means that your son has been beaten seventeen
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plus six twenty- three times, but that' s the 24th beating.
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I' m sick of them not listening to you at school. Where you
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go to the Community of Madrid, where you put a total of fourteen denunciations,
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plus thirty, but that is to beat thirty- nine. Seeing that
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the Community of Madrid also does not put a brake on the matter, you
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go to the Ombudsman of the Minor where you make twelve more complaints than I
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do. I think the official, when I' m going to get you
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in, takes out the pink paper Hostia, the usual thing that they'
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ve hit the kid, throwing a total of fifty- one beatings, but
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it' s that beating fifty- two. The best thing you can think
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of is going to TV. Of course, that' s a great idea.
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Go on TV, make the kid famous, let everyone know about him.
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If when I cross it and say look, today they didn' t
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hit it. It' s not normal. Let' s see. It
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' s not normal for you to let your 12- year- old come
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in that you' ve fucked up fifty- three times. It' s
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not normal that I don' t even get half a look. This is
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very simple. I repeat, I have two children, yes, twelve years
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old. Any one of my kids gets home. It' s very simple.
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I' m going to school the next day I' m telling you,
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I want to know who hit you. I put them in the trunk
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of my car. I' ll take them off the ground. I hit
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shit whose only limit is blood. Once I finish, I put a plastic
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in the trunk, put them back in the emergency room, because I'
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m not a hanger where I leave them as a photocopy of my deni and
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a note for their parents who say come home that I' m waiting for
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you children of the Great Whore. And when the father sees it, I
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blow it, too, and it' s bigger than you. I'
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ll get him in the back, but I' m gonna blow him up,
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' cause no one touches my kids. Gentlemen, you have to go
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back to the fifties when you could hit a child, you have to go
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back, you have to beat the kids to see the others, not yours.
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And we' re always the same, always the same with the same
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bullshit. That shouldn' t be done. That shouldn' t be said.
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I remember when the cruise went down the Concordia coast you remember the coast
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concordia that Italian cruise that I don' t know how it did, but
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I find it harder to dump it than to sink it. I mean,
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you give me a pick and a shovel and I' ll sink your boat.
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You' re asking me to dump him here I don' t even
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know where to start, I mean, what I wanted to get into port
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by touching my knee. I don' t understand. The fact is that
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he turns to the boat, turns to the boat and then produces the most
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famous anecdote that is that it has to do with the captain Tino esque.
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The captain is that Tino declared attention. I will not add or take away
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any words from the captain' s official statement to the maritime authorities. The
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captain is Kettino declared that I stumbled on board the first boat, save lives
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that was headed for port and once on land, I thought better handling from
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this location the rescue work. I say good and if I bring you a
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gintonic, it' s already a crazy thing. I was bringing in just
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like we' re going down slowly. Please, automatically, not to applaud
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you with a certain criterion. Increase automatically. The international community points to Captain
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Esquetino as a coward and a miserable, when I believe that this man,
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his only sin is to be a human being. I mean, he did
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what anyone else would do to save himself, because the nuance is that the
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captain is in his house today and there are twenty- three at the bottom
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of the sea. Let' s not forget that. Let' s not
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forget that. You remember when they were there in the reporters good afternoon.
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We' re here with the survivors of the Costa Concordia. Let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
20:22
see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
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see, let' s see. Survivor is a category at least elevated by
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that rule of three. I am a flu survivor who has ravaged humanity throughout
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history. It is a waste of billions of innocent lives, for we are
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survivors because we have made a partnership and we are going to meet once a
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year. So fuck knowing what restaurant you give me is pretty, because you
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are good come ah, Super well, we are here with the survivors of
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the Costa Concordia, this, Señora, marriage of Valencia. Let' s
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talk, see how they feel, how they meet, and Mrs A takes
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mom to drink. We' re with the psychological help I say, well,
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you already brought psychological help from before. This fool goes because you can
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believe he' s the ship' s crew, bartenders, personal boat drivers
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in general, banging on the passengers to get out. First you can believe
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it. I, yes, you can' t be the people since you
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saw Titanic It' s believed that while the ship is sinking, the other
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plays the violin, so save yourself who can and the lady doesn' t.
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First, first the passengers and then the crew. Of course, the
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typical Indian waiter, who embarked eleven months a year for three hundred dollars a
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month, has to let pass first to a marriage in Valencia that has spent
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twelve zero euros on a week' s vacation to see if they stick a
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fuck and recover the magic walks and that they give them asses and again we
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tend to put up with that friend touches balls that we all have the typical
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ready. So with a lot of smart feces, you know what a smart
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guy is. A smart one is the one who tells you an absolute obviousness,
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but he tells you with a tone, an authorization, a category that
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seems to be discovering America, the bastard. We all have a brother-
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in- law who' s smart, a father- in- law who
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' s a liko. They' re usually in your political family. There
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you go. It comes from the Costa Concordia and tells you about If I
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saw myself in a similar situation like that of the Costa Concordia, my first
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reaction, the natural one, would be to help others to a risk of
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my own integrity, because I do not. Not me. I fly 200
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times a year and 200 times without exception. I sit at the emergency door
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and the 200 times without exception comes there to the assistant with that roll of
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Hello. Good afternoon, because everyone is spoken to normally except the one at
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the emergency door who talks to him like he' s an asshole. Not
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me. I' ve been told hello you' re coming with your parents.
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Well, the point is, it adds good afternoon. You' re
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at the emergency door. In case of an accident. Here are the instructions
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on how to open it and remember to leave the cabin and help the rest
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of the passage leave the ship. Two hundred times a year I look that
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professional in the eye and in all the cold blood. I' m telling
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you, of course, in case of an accident. In case of an
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accident, I will. When inside I' m thinking and shit like this
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falls off. I' ll go out first and pick you up who'
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s going out I' ll never close the door again. Look what I
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' m saying to you, you have, well, I' m saying
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it publicly. If I' m on the Concordia coast, okay I'
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m going on the first boat, on the first boat that goes to port,
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okay I' m going on Captain Bots'. I kill people.
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Oh, but when I say I kill people, I say I kill literal
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people. I mean, I' m going to the kitchen. I pick
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up a knife, I pull out hearts, fourth laugh at the last scene
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of any Tarantino movie. He rides a fucking pickle. I kill people,
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but I get out first. My wife will see what I do. Everything
25:03
has to be said because I don' t want to, I don'
25:10
t want to die. Call me your eccentric and above all. I don
25:15
' t want to live in a country where there are forty or fifty million
25:21
censors. I' m also not interested in one where today Tuesday and thirteen,
25:26
because they couldn' t work, in which the humorists are being permanently
25:29
cut off. And above all, I refuse, as a professional and as
25:33
a person, to be part of a system in which people like Javier Vázquez
25:38
25 hours a week ago live and people as a good source are at home.
25:45
I' ll pass. Thank you.