Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep20: Hot Mics & Wild Takes 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep20: Hot Mics & Wild Takes 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you love sucking dick, it's because you're good at it.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't like it, if you're like, I hate blowjobs.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Cause you're bad at it.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's you're really bad at it.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_04: Like one of my closest and longest friends I have just happens to be a white girl.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: Went to elementary school together, high school together.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: We went to separate colleges.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_04: We remain friends.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_04: I'm the godmother of all her children.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_04: And she happens to be a white girl.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_04: Now, whenever we hang out, I don't try to act white.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_04: She don't try to act black.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_04: But we respect each other's differences.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_04: I've taught her some things.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_04: She's taught me some things.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_04: First of all, I respect her approach to her relationship.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_04: She's married to her high school sweetheart.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_04: They've been married for over 20 years.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: She told me that she gives him a blowjob every day.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_04: Every day.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: And as a black woman, you know that shit damn near choke me.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, I'm like, bitch, what you using?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_04: Lip bomb, lip gloss, what the fuck?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_04: How you keep this though?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_04: But then she told me her motto.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_04: And black women, I want y'all to write this shit down.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_04: She told me her motto.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: She said, a blowjob a day will keep a side bitch away.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_04: Write that down, black women.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_04: Write that down.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_04: We need to get on this shit.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: Write that down.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_04: Think outside the box.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_04: A blowjob a day will keep a side bitch away.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_04: And say what you want.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_04: Side bitches is a problem right now.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_04: Side bitch is the problem.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: I was very sheltered growing up.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was terrified of sex.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I would be bad at it.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now that I'm older, it's so easy to be good at sex, isn't it?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: All you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a child.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just put everything in your mouth.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you can reach it and it fits, that's where it goes.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Pretend you're four and your partner's made of Legos.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's not complicated.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up very religious, you know, so I was encouraged to abstain from drugs and alcohol and sex and enjoyment.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: And uh yeah, being abstinent uh is when you wait until marriage to have sex.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: They used to tell us the safest sex is no sex, which is a lot like saying the safest travel is books.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: When I have a daughter, I'm gonna make sure she's absent in high school, and probably before that while we're at it, because when I was younger and I was absent, I was not having sex, but I was having other things done to me.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if you know this, but other things are kind of the best part of sex for ladies.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: So while my friends were having sex, I was the only one having orgasms.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I could not believe it when I found out.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: When my friends are like, Yeah, me and Chad have had sex, but I've never, you know.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, you're going to hell and you didn't even finish.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'll pray for you.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_05: Men make some noise.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_05: Okay.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_05: Men, you're shit.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_05: And I tell you why you're shit.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_05: You think you can go down on women properly, but you fucking can't.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_05: Men cannot go down on women properly.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_05: It's not your fault.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_05: It's not your fault.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_05: Society has let you get away with it.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_05: It really has.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_05: Because society tells women from the age of eight, we've got to grow up and suck dick.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_05: We know that.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_05: Ladies, we know it.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_05: We know.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_05: We're gonna grow up and suck dick.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_05: It's everywhere.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_05: It's in songs, it's in movies, it's in popular culture, it's been put in our faces, it's literally been put in our faces.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_05: We know that at some point we're gonna have to suck a dick.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_05: So we've got to practice.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_05: I've been practicing, we've been practicing.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_05: So when the women comes, we know what the fuck we're doing.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_05: Men, men ain't been told that shit.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_05: Because going down the women is not normalised, but sucking dick is normalised.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_05: And it's a fucking joke.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_05: It's a joke, guys.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_05: I can't take it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_05: It's true.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_05: It's true.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_05: I want seeing our faces to be normalised just like sucking dick.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_05: And I'll prove it to you how it's not normalized.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_05: Listen, imagine you're watching a film.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_05: You're watching a film, right?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_05: All of a sudden, you see a car driving down a long dirt road.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_05: There's a guy driving the car.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_05: It's like, ooh, I'm driving a car.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_05: Driving a car.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_05: Ooh, down a dirt road.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, mysterious.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_05: I'm in a movie driving a car.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_05: Then all of a sudden, a girl appears from his crotch, like, I just sucked his dick.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_05: And it's perfectly fine.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_05: No, I'm about to eyelage.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_05: But you never see a woman driving a car.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_05: All of a sudden, a man appears from her crotch, like, his face is all swayed, heads up to his face.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_05: You never see it! It's not normal life.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_05: I want sitting on face to be commonplace.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_05: I want to go out on a Friday night and look down the alleyway and not see blowjobs.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_05: Oh no.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_05: I want to see girls sitting on faces, sitting on faces, sitting on faces, sitting on faces.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_05: Next to their friend, like, face, I'm gonna come once I come.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_05: Okay?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_05: I'm coming.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_05: Give me two minutes.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_05: I know no teeth.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_05: That's what I want.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_05: I fucking want that shit.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_05: I want sitting on face to be commonplace.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_05: I want to see a girl like this behind a park car, like this, and not automatically think she's peeing.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_05: Now she's sitting on face, she's sitting on face, she's sitting on face.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_05: That's what I want.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_05: I want to use it as a form of communication.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_05: A girl will be like, hello, I'll be like, shut up! Okay.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_05: I'm sitting on face.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_05: That is the future I want.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_05: Sitting on face to be commonplace.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_05: That's the future I want.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_05: That's the Brexit I want.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have two choices.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can spit or you can swallow, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta register as one before November 9th.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just make sure you know what you're gonna do.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I knew what I was gonna do.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was um I was registered as a spitter long before I ever got in that booth.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I was gonna spit because I knew about girls who spit and I knew about girls who swallow.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Girls who spit are grossed out by it, and they're like, gross.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And guys don't appreciate it, but it's far better than a girl who swallows, because I knew girls that swallow, oh, these Slavin whores, they love it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's fuel for them.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's how they survive.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's the base of a slut's food pyramid.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a sturdy base of cum.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I'm not gonna be a slut, like, I don't wanna be that.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So when I give a blowjob, I'm totally gonna spit.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I get in there, I give my first blowjob, and um I swallowed immediately because I was like, this is disgusting.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get it down the hatch, take it like a shot.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is clearly the most efficient way to dispose of this.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Immediately.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even have to think twice about I've never spit.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And ever.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you spit, that means you have to hold it in your mouth as you like walk through his apartment and find the bathroom that he shares with his roommates.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You run into them, they're all watching Varsity Blues in the living room.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be like, hey guys, is anyone in there?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can I get in?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or oh, so Andrew's in the shower.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'll wait.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love this movie.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: What is this is such a good movie.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I forget.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: You forget how good it is.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're quoting classic lines.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't want your laugh.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I can it's a better James Vanderbeek because of it.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's one benefit.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: But you're doing like a wine tasting.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like you just.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get it twisted, guys.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: A girl isn't, she's not swallowing because she's like, yummy, cummy in my tummy.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, sometimes.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out I'm a whore.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty big whore.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: But uh.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's usually because you're just like, this is the way they get it down.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes if I think a load is gonna be really gross, I'm like, let's deep throat, so it's like a feeding tube, and I don't have to touch it to my taste bud.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So pro tip.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you're welcome.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Some girls love sucking dick.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: They like love it.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I've never understood it.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what are you getting out of it?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then I realize it's because they're good at it.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's as simple as that, truly.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you're if you love sucking dick, it's because you're good at it.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't like it, if you're like, I hate blowjobs, it's because you're bad at it.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's you're really bad at it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: We like doing things we're good at, and if you were good at it, you would do it all the time.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're just like, it's such a bore and such a pain, you're you suck at it.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm one of you.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I could have been good.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I all it would have taken was unguided, just like give me a compliment early on, you know?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Someone just just like show me that I had a little promise or something.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just send me off in the right direction.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: We just want to be good in the and it's it's it's early intervention is key.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I feel like true blowjob queens, girls, they're like, I love it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was like one of the first times they gave a blowjob, the guy was like, You're great, and like believed in them.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what it takes.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: It takes one guy, one coach, one youth minister to lay the foundation for girl.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: The first time, oh, you're so nervous.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And all you want is a guy to just take your chin and be like, hey, look up.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: You go, what?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, you've got spunk in your hair.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: But like the way that you handled my balls was pretty cool, and I think you're on to something, just anything.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: We'll nudge.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I tell guys, lie to us.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us we're good, and we'll blow you all the time.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, like, you hook up with a girl and she blows you and it's not very good, just lie and be like, that was the best blow job ever.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because she'll just be like, It was.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then she'll like set off on a course to like be the best.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And she'll go out and she'll be like, I was good once.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_04: I realize in my relationship I had just gotten too comfortable.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_04: I wasn't doing everything I should have been doing.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_04: I realized that we were basically down to three sex positions.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_04: I'm on top.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: He on top, hidden from the back.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: I'm on top.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_04: He on top, hidden from the back.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_04: I was bullshitting.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_04: Hey ladies, you know when you're bullshitting.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_04: You know when you ain't doing everything you supposed to do.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_04: But then I realized that there's no measure as to where you should be in your relationship sexually.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_04: So tonight we're gonna create some new rules and new regulations.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_04: So from this night on, if you've been fucking the same man for over three years, by now you should be sucking his dick hands free.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_04: You should.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_04: You should be Bluetooth in that dick.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_04: And you should be wireless, meaning sucking it anywhere in the house.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_04: And if you want to be impressive, don't drop no call.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_04: Other than that, you bullshitting.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_04: And you know you bullshitting.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_04: Now look at women, women done got mad.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_04: They sitting there telling their girlfriends, well, my man don't like his dick suck.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_04: Well, that's because you can't suck dick.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_04: And I don't proclaim to be a professional dick sucker, but I can tell you what I know about sucking dick.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_04: See, you don't have to suck dick good.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_04: You just gotta suck dick often.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_04: And you really don't have to suck it often.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_04: You just gotta suck it when he least expected.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_04: See, you don't never want a man to ask you to suck his dick.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_04: That's degrading.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_04: You don't never want this.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_04: You gotta suck his dick when he least expected.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_04: Like he'll never expect you to suck his dick with your Easter dress on.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_04: Never.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_04: But he'll never let you forget it.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: Years down the line, he be like, remember that time you sucked my dick with that yellow dress on, had the ruffles around the neck, you had on the white lace gloves, yeah.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, you got to suck dick nowadays.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_04: Men ain't impressed with cooking no more.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_04: Bitch gravy come in a jar.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_04: Rice take 90 seconds in the microwave.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_04: You got to suck dick nowadays.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_04: And to the lesbians in the house, I see y'all cringing.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_04: Don't cringe.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_04: I salute you, I respect you 100%.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_04: Do what you do.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_04: But for me, I can never eat pussy.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_04: No, I can never eat pussy.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_04: And I tell you why.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_04: Because I got a problem with ass.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_04: And when you eat pussy, ass is the chaser.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_04: At least when you sucking dick, the balls is the room divider.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_04: And if you suck the dick the right way, the balls be chewing you on.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_04: They be like.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_04: You got to open your eyes up while you're down there.