Latest / Opie & Carl / Carl Ruiz’s Derby Disaster w/ Theo Von

Transcript

Carl Ruiz’s Derby Disaster w/ Theo Von · Opie & Carl

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Opie is here and the show starts.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: Oh got him. I can't hear myself. You rock? Hello
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: twenty years old?
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: Hello?
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Hello?
• 0:15
  Speaker 4: You do?
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: They were just working Hello?
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: Nothing, I'm good.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: You just had them the way.
• 0:20
  Speaker 5: It's my headphones. The wire.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Oh you pulled it out. No, I didn't pull it out.
• 0:25
  Speaker 6: But I can't hear ship here trying to sit that
• 0:27
  Speaker 6: work we're on though, right, Yeah, you're fine.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: That's a hell of a way to start the radio show.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: That's Buffalo Springfield.
• 0:31
  Speaker 5: For what it's worth.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: First of all, the court on your headphones are like
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: an old like telephone cord from your kitchen phone.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was like, don't stretch it out.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, stretching to the living room because you've got a
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: new girlfriend. You want nobody to hear you call.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, Yeah, I don't know. No, they're my
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: old headphones. They're falling a bit fresh haircut, thank you,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: thank you. Look like when I'm gonna look like in
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: a few years future me.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: He like a jockey from the Kentucky Derby right now. Yeah,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: he's going clean shaven and air air resistant. Did you
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: see Kentucky Derby win resistant?
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, of course.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: It's two minutes long. Who's not gonna watch that, dude.
• 1:12
  Speaker 6: The coverage is like four or five hours, right, yes,
• 1:14
  Speaker 6: all of a sudden, I just turn.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: On whatever it was on it and you missed it.
• 1:18
  Speaker 6: No, right at the right, Okay, I didn't have to
• 1:22
  Speaker 6: watch Bob Costas for three and a half hours.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: You never know when the race is going to start,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: so you got to go through all the fucking pomp
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: and circumstances of the.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Was the horse that was supposed to win win? Is
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: that the favorite? Yes?
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, that was the favorite. That was number when
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: that was the favorite?
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: Was the favorite one?
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, the favorite one.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: He was the only one that didn't have mud on him.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: Yes, I know, you know he was the whole race.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I know. He ran a great race.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: He could have ran a second race.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Everyone else was just brown covered in mud like a
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: dirty Sanchez, a bunch of and he he was all
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: nice and fresh. He finally got mud when another jockey
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: like hugged him. Oh yeah, after the race, you loser,
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: mud off me?
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: No kid?
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: A time commercial at the end of the right and
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: was there some horse with one eye or something?
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: He has aunt?
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: Patch? Yeah, patch?
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: And they played patch game. The twentieth he was in
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: the twenty spot. Oh really yeah, and he put him
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: all the way out.
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: Jesus, poor Patchy.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Why the hell was patching this thing?
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: Because he was still a great horse, but he just
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: had lost an eye. Well he can still raise, he's
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: still qualified and everything.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Was it his inside eye or his outside eye.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: It was his uh inside eye at the left. It
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: was the left eye.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: That's impossible to win.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: He was a bit looking horse though.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: He was the you know, unless he gets on the
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: rail there, he's fucked.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: The crowd loved him. It was like a cheerful slick
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: rick one eye we like.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: You know, it's funny about Patch.
• 2:42
  Speaker 6: Everyone started voting for Patch, I mean not voting better
• 2:45
  Speaker 6: on Yeah, because they felt it felt for him.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: A lot more people than should have voted for Patch.
• 2:51
  Speaker 6: Why do I keep saying voted because we've just got
• 2:53
  Speaker 6: an election, another election over there in France.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: I'm just trying to get use my head.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Anyway, Patrick got more electrical volt.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: I'm horrible. But it was a good race. Tho. It
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: was a good race. It was money as ship.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Everybody knew it was gonna be money because it rained
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: the night before, but the sun came out during race.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: Time was beautiful.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: It was beautiful race, and he broken legs.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Nobody but somebody came up went I saw that was
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: there a little work. It was a thunderblow, thunder snow Snow.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: The snow had a bad fucking leg under.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: If you got a buddy called thunder Snow, he does
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: a lot of cocaine.
• 3:29
  Speaker 5: I know that guy.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: It's like, yeah, snowstorm and that's thunder Snow.
• 3:32
  Speaker 7: Right.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: He came up lame at the beginning of the race.
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: That's embarrassing. What do you mean going into the as
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: they started his leg he strange started. Look as soon
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: as it started.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Oh fuck, it was so I mean he was so behind.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: I guess maybe I uh tuned in a little.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: He twisted something up.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: It would be like, this should be like, this is
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: a mad Cuban any race, Just watch were mad Cuban.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Gary, He's look at him, look at him on his balls.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: He's like, can you get me off my fucking foot?
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: I'm just getting much to the face.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: How great is it when he was mid air, all
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: these motherfuckers mitched the high stride mid air is crazy beautiful.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Have you ever been to the Kentucky Derby? Many times
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: that was a real picture that you're posted today. Car.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: You went to the one yesterday. No, no, that was
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: off four years ago. I went, it's the best American
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: sport event. You never know, so.
• 4:34
  Speaker 5: I didn't even know where the fucking horse trace track.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: You hammered, hammerd hammer.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, everybody's hand you saw drinking in the morning from
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: the night before.
• 4:41
  Speaker 5: Really you do all the all the vi P ship
• 4:44
  Speaker 5: is incredible.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: What fo there?
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: He is?
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: Why you wanted get that's a great picture.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: He looked like he's a monster during Prohibition.
• 4:57
  Speaker 5: All the president rady, fucking everybody.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: It's not worth it all for a race that's less edge.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: The fastest two minutes in sports.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: Oh please, please please.
• 5:10
  Speaker 8: It's a first of all, it starts to night before.
• 5:14
  Speaker 8: This guy has a mansion.
• 5:15
  Speaker 5: Where he throws a party in his backyard.
• 5:17
  Speaker 8: You got boys to men singing, a bunch of white
• 5:20
  Speaker 8: girls just screaming with the hats on.
• 5:22
  Speaker 5: It starts the night before.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: They want some boys to men deck.
• 5:25
  Speaker 8: Then you party all night in Kentucky, which is almost
• 5:28
  Speaker 8: like not being in America.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: Do whatever you want.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: You look like guy Fiery's.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Pet, that's what he's a spirit animal.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: He will be on a leash. It looks like a
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: make a wish situation, like they found like you were
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: a feral child, like they found in the woods and
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: put a hat on you. Do you look like? Oh god,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: very slow. Brother's rout free area. That's how it's gonna be.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: That's his little brother. Ralph makes mostly pop tarts.
• 6:07
  Speaker 6: Sticking his hands in the fryer again, old brother Ralph
• 6:13
  Speaker 6: with a bunch of pieces and ship guy gives them jobs.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: Around the kitchen.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: He was the guy in the middle. Is the guy
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: in the middle beyond that guy's manager read he's not
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: gay that now he was red pants, So what that's
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: his nan sucking red Phil looks like a fucking fly girl.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: That's Marcel REESI plays for Seattle Seahawks.
• 6:34
  Speaker 5: Yeah, he's a cool dude.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Man.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: That's Kentucky though, Man, you get for the Kentucky Derby already,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: just like so funny thing before that he took this picture. Yeah.
• 6:42
  Speaker 8: Guy calls me and goes, so, I'll come down to
• 6:44
  Speaker 8: my room right now. I'm getting dressed because just come down.
• 6:47
  Speaker 8: So I come down to his room. He's got his
• 6:48
  Speaker 8: giant sweet and Marcel's there. Marcell's fast and everyone's drunk already.
• 6:54
  Speaker 8: He goes, marcel, we got a hundred bucks that Carl
• 6:59
  Speaker 8: can't make it ten feet without you catching them in
• 7:02
  Speaker 8: the hallway and.
• 7:03
  Speaker 5: Murder them, tackle them.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: And how far up back was?
• 7:06
  Speaker 8: They said, Barcelo will wait in the bathroom of the suite.
• 7:10
  Speaker 5: You take off running. We're gonna count to ten. He's
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: gonna catch it before the elevator. Right, this is long hallway.
• 7:15
  Speaker 5: I take off running.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: When you say take off running, you slowly.
• 7:20
  Speaker 5: You're like a bumblebee.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: But you shouldn't be able to run.
• 7:25
  Speaker 5: Somehow, I'm going to sky. I can. All of a sudden,
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: I hear them.
• 7:30
  Speaker 8: Like like the fucking the trainer pants and.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: He's wearing what he has on there or something else.
• 7:36
  Speaker 5: Blown suit. Oh my god, he fucking caught me just
• 7:39
  Speaker 5: from touching me.
• 7:40
  Speaker 8: I fell my fucking foot.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: No, it was a.
• 7:48
  Speaker 5: Three times as long as I've ran.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: When you're hurt, I was hurt.
• 7:54
  Speaker 5: Hurt.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, you guys are darreling. So it's just
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: a botcherus.
• 7:59
  Speaker 5: Now it's the botcher.
• 8:01
  Speaker 8: Plus the guys that we're with are just so much
• 8:03
  Speaker 8: fun because guy has like a mix of like NASCAR guys,
• 8:07
  Speaker 8: football guys and everybody gets together.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: I got a good friend who by k one. He
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: grew up in Kentucky Louisville, and he was down get twist.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: The women are smoking hot that guys.
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: Listen.
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: It's a bunch of Ashley Judge Southern girls.
• 8:21
  Speaker 5: They're so sneaky hot. I with Marie. Marie is no
• 8:27
  Speaker 5: slouch who but the girls much. The girls are so
• 8:32
  Speaker 5: sweet that you get trapped in the web.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: Like all of Opie's exes and the like, they all
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: came together.
• 8:41
  Speaker 5: They were going to Kentucky dirty Moto and they call
• 8:48
  Speaker 5: you sugar and honey.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: And the next thing, you have to wear that hat.
• 8:51
  Speaker 5: Everybody wears great and the hat and the best is
• 8:54
  Speaker 5: like if you're in the vi P, they take you
• 8:55
  Speaker 5: down in the beginning.
• 8:56
  Speaker 8: Yeah, and they they privately parade the horses around.
• 9:00
  Speaker 5: You see him and it was like this real like
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: you see all the rich hicks, Like his dick is
• 9:04
  Speaker 5: sweat and he gonna lose.
• 9:07
  Speaker 8: So then I just start repeating things cause I'm drunk,
• 9:09
  Speaker 8: you know, I'm like telling the guy dumber than me, Hey,
• 9:11
  Speaker 8: here's dick is sweating.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: Like shut up in New York, eploy down. It's all
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: for two minutes though stupid, it's great, but.
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: As you know, it's the triple crown. It's a triple crown.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: I understand that part of it. So what's next?
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: We got a triple crown? This potential here this year.
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: I don't know. Well, it's the first race, yeah it is.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: This is the first you got to to go. I
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: thought I was got some Preakness action. Next, the School
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: of Maryland Belmont.
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: Belmont's my College of Maryland. The Preakness, don't the Preakness
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: is off the chain?
• 9:46
  Speaker 6: Well, no, Belmont is the white trash, like this is
• 9:50
  Speaker 6: the kid rock of the old it gets dirty.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: What a drop off in Kentucky? Holy fuck?
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: Why is it? That's a drop of them? I don't know.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Man, they drinking. They're drinking champagne in Kentucky and they're
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: drinking Schlitz at the bell Mak.
• 10:08
  Speaker 8: I went to the bell Mount once when when it
• 10:10
  Speaker 8: was a contender, when the you know it's going.
• 10:11
  Speaker 5: To be the triple crash.
• 10:12
  Speaker 8: I can tell the people from Kentucky went there, okay,
• 10:14
  Speaker 8: and they won't go unless.
• 10:15
  Speaker 5: It's going to be like it's going to be a
• 10:16
  Speaker 5: triple Yeah.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: Visually disgusted with the with the craft with their face.
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: They're bourgeous letting suits and they're.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: Just people doing farting noises and shame.
• 10:30
  Speaker 6: Got some beautiful Long Island trash taking some bets.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: Some of the best trash go.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: After this.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: I gotta go to King.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Colin Ball after that. Oh it's a drop off. Oh
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: my god.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: I would think it's more of a Hampton's crowd up
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: there because of the horse. You would think the horse
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: race would bring in the.
• 11:14
  Speaker 6: Consider self lucky if you go back to your car
• 11:16
  Speaker 6: and it's still there.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, trinking forty five on the infield. Holy ship, why
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: is it so guddy? Bell Mint is kind of hoodie, right,
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: I mean, yes, Elmont, Yeah, I.
• 11:36
  Speaker 6: Wonder if there's a bunch of tracks that really want
• 11:39
  Speaker 6: the third leg some mistakes.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: I wonder if they want to push Belmont out of that.
• 11:44
  Speaker 6: I would imagine they would in Saratoga or something, you
• 11:47
  Speaker 6: know what I mean.
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, beautiful, Yeah, Saratoga's nice. I was.
• 11:53
  Speaker 8: I went to the bell Mount where my brother's broyably
• 11:54
  Speaker 8: the only joke you ever made.
• 11:55
  Speaker 5: We were sitting at the Belmont.
• 11:57
  Speaker 8: Yeah, my brother goes cal there's like three p in
• 12:00
  Speaker 8: this room with emphysema.
• 12:01
  Speaker 5: Tanks and massic. That's literally a bomb.
• 12:05
  Speaker 8: It's like the three bombs, three bombs in there, like
• 12:08
  Speaker 8: the guy's smoking cigarettes.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: With the no he's not yes, no, really go to
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: the Bellmont.
• 12:13
  Speaker 5: I dare you?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: And you know what that's trauma. Was sending hours and
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: hours in ot B back in the day as a
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: OTB situation. Oh yeah, if you want an uncle father, boy,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: did they love OTB?
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: My father always had me had OTB.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: My father, I'm telling you that motherfucker will love the horses.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, he always he would tell me I would
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: go to ot B with him, and you know he
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: was divorced from my mom. And then he would tell
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: you know me, when we would spend the whole day
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: at OTB, I would pick the horses, you know, let
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: me play video games, vending machines or whatever. He would say, Well,
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: dropping off back, member, don't just tell your mother who
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: at the park all day? I don't tell him.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: At the ot B you got to play with the horses.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: Yes. And then the way to ot B, the way
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: the way to church Sunday mornings when I have to
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: go with my mother was past the OTB. So anytime
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: we would go to the otb woulday, Remember you don't
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: go down Seneca Avenue to go to church tomorrow. Go
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: down myrtle, remember, just go down myrtle. So we'd always
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: do Myrtle. And then one time I just forgot, and
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: all the guys at the OTV reckonize that question. My
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: mother was like, oh my, I heard her call my father.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I after Chuck like you fucking dart back.
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: This is why you're always.
• 13:18
  Speaker 9: Gonna be alone. He took our son seven truck to
• 13:25
  Speaker 9: the racetrack. He's dirty's rubbing his head, it's dirty nails.
• 13:30
  Speaker 9: Now he's got light tody.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: And then he was like, shut up your mouthing, bitch,
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: let me talk to my kid. Why wouldn't you let
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: me talk.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: To my kids? Give me back my son.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you about the time he made me make
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: believe I had a disability to get better seat to
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: the Yankee game. Maybe years ago. You told me that
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: one when we were at we were at doc Woods
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: no hitter. We were at doc Woods no hitter in
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: nineteen ninety six. I'm a good guy, Yes, ninety six.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: There we're there, and he said we were in the
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: upper deck and it was like the seventh inning He's like,
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: this is gonna be a no hitter. He's like, uh,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: we're gonna go down behind home plates. I'm all right,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: and then like right, we're like five steps away from
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: the security guard at home plate. He goes, listen you uh,
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: he like messes up my hair, goes, we got to
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: make them feel bad for you. And I was like,
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: what I was ninety six? I was twelve.
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I was looking at a picture of you behind me.
• 14:21
  Speaker 7: Yeah.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Ge, you like, look at those sideburns.
• 14:25
  Speaker 5: That's when you graduated Barberson.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: You like.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: High school music was twenty one Jump Street.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: That's a little a little bit of broke back down
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: and yeah is the razor on the side. Oh yeah,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: that was from a barbershop called Streak Gang. That was
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: the name of it. No, it was my barber's name
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: was Hippy. Used to like, you want points. I'd like, no,
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: it's like give a new points.
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: Did they sell fucking Sicilian slices and.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: No, the opposite, They were latinos? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: you don't see the crown. Yeah, everything was wered of
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: everybody's fingers smelled like Setson had the.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Same hair because as everybody in MS thirteen you're protecting queens.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Joe.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: You got the points though, Yeah, you do all right
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: with the points. So back of my hair looked like
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: a fucking brillo pant.
• 15:13
  Speaker 10: So pop, uh messes up your hair. Pops messes up
• 15:16
  Speaker 10: my hair. Yeah, and then he goes, uh, what he
• 15:18
  Speaker 10: tardeted your hair out? Yeah, he'd like tie He like,
• 15:20
  Speaker 10: I don't know, tarded it to tarlet up. And then
• 15:23
  Speaker 10: he said listen. He said, uh. He said, I'm gonna
• 15:25
  Speaker 10: say something.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: To the guy when I when you turn around, when
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: the security when we both look at you, he said,
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: just look stupid, That's what he said. And I was like,
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: what do you mean by that?
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: And he I swear, he was like, he said, your
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: regular rest.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: He just looks, you know, he goes, he goes, he goes,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: just just can you get a little drowel going? And
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: I was like, what I swear And then so I
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: was so I showed him. He's like, do that. So
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: then they turn around and I just fucking, you know,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: spit like on my chin and they were like what
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: this kid having a seizure. And then he said, okay,
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: so he can sit down. So they were sitting in
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: the front second row and then the first row right
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: behind home played. I wonder if you could even see
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: me maybe because I was right behind home plate. Mister Perfect.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: The rest are mister Perfect. Sure, I was there in
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: the building and right in front of me, and I
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: was like, I wanted a autograph from him. And I
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: was like, you know, be like Dad, it's mister Perfect.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: And my dad was like, oh, you know Perfect, So
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: my Reggie Jackson, I wanted that. I wanted that. I
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: wanted the I wanted an autograph from him, and I
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: was like and my dad was like, all right, I'll
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: ask him in between innings. So like the next thing
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: went by and he goes, hey, kept calling them Perfect. No, mister,
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: he was like, hey, Perfect Perfect, he goes my kid,
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: my kid needs an autograph real quick. Just sign the ticket.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: Just signed the ticket.
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah. My dad had a you know, pad, a pen
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: on him, robb be fucking writing down, you know, gambling debts.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: And then and then Perfect wouldn't sign it, and so
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: my dad got pissed and they started like arguing back
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: and forth, and that's the same security guard came down.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: I was like, what's the problem, and then my dad said,
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: my dad said to the security guards said he won't
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: sign my kid's ticket, and he's a big fan. And
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: then the security guard believing that I had a disability,
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: right like kind of shot mister perfectly, look like, don't
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: be a dick the kid, the kid has disabilities.
• 17:11
  Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, you're perfect and.
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: Not so much.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: Remember I get mister perfect autograph the doctuld have know
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: hit it. We're going fucking nuts. My dad's running around screaming,
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: yelling whatever. On the train ride home, I fell asleep.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: I let the ticket fell out of my pocket. I
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: lost the ticket on the train. That's where photograph.
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, thinking tard right right, real making hard.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: And then my mother, you know, of course you said
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: the same thing like don't don't, don't tell you mother
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: about what happened. Was but the scam works. It's amazing,
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: and the scam worked. Yeah, and he got up as
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: a person. You hear about the Yankee game last night,
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: seventeen that's two complete games. Yeah, by the end of time, the.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Fifteen, Yeah, by the end of the game of the
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: hot dog dude was pitching.
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: It has brought him to understand.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, look at number fourteen. That's Carl's kid. Look, come back,
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: we go back at fourteen. Man, he's just fucking Carl's Kate.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: Holy ship, go back. You have to see this fuck
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: behind him, the one behind him behind him. Look at
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: this shot like he's running out the Kentucky Derby.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: He's let the snow.
• 18:26
  Speaker 5: He's got the Carl weather Glass kid.
• 18:28
  Speaker 10: Oh my god, the kid has the same body as
• 18:30
  Speaker 10: Carl and the age of thirteen.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Fact, how's that positive? That kid is a fucking mess.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: Just needs a bow tie out there.
• 18:37
  Speaker 9: Jesus is a child, you animals, He's a child most
• 18:42
  Speaker 9: like alarmicks.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: You gotta put that video on. He did circle Carl's kid.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: But she tippy toe, but.
• 18:52
  Speaker 5: You ask her knee breaks.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: He's eleven, he already had three. Yeah, yeah, she already
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: knows the best suit flace spots. The kid's fucking covered
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: in ghanash every time he stepped.
• 19:06
  Speaker 5: Out on the point.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: He already has bone furs. Oh, man, on the children.
• 19:20
  Speaker 6: You might want to try a chest or something.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: Oh, THEO vond with a tweet. Chris looks dumber than usual.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: Why don't you shut your fucking stupid mouth with your
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: stupid haircut. If you're listening with THEO listening, Chris looks
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: dumber than usual. Mouth, You're one of the dumbest people.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: Look at you, dude. Oh god, I fucking hate THEO.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: What a stupid ass name. You sound like a fucking kitten.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Would you mind? I feel like your mom named you
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: after one of your far fucking pets. She was like, Oh,
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I call this one THEO. You're looking fresh today? Yeah,
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: I look look it looks like a pussy. You like
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: a new nickel. Yes, and THEO Vaughn saying I look
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: dumb at you. Relax, you don't have much anxiety. I
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: look good. I feel good with his few pounds, Yeah,
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: I feel spelt too tried to ruin it. He did
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: that on purpose, because you know how good I was looking.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: Why don't you go finger all later on the Upper east Side.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: You're fucking WEIRDO. Chury looks stumber than usual? No under, Laura,
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: Laura Jane Collins seventy six says you one hundred percent
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: correct sir, Shut up, Laura. Can we get THEOV on
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: the phone?
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: We have to. I mean, they really have genuine love
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: for each other, but this is always you think.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: I think so, I don't know what the fuck's going
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: on with these two. Your curry, they bring up each other.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: Don't get stressed out, turning red. THEO von on a plane?
• 20:55
  Speaker 9: THEO what the hell's yeah?
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: How are you calling from the plane?
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: Oh? They got to I got my phone in here.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I like, just on a commercial airline. I
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: didn't know you can make calls. You could be on
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: the phone. Yeah, maybe, he said, he's first class cous
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: get used to. Maybe they're not in the air yet.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: Are you in the air.
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: No, we're not in the air.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: Saying on the air. In the air, you can't call.
• 21:30
  Speaker 5: Oh, yeah you can.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: You can make a phone call from the thirty six
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: thousand feet.
• 21:34
  Speaker 5: I have, but no, no on thirty six thousand. Now
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: I got a private plane, you can.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: I don't think on commercial you can. You can't do it.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: It's no way. What's up? What's up?
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: Stupid? Oh you called me dumb?
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: How are you doing dumb?
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: Do you look dumb? That's right?
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: No, I have one.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: I have on a brand new jacket and pants from
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: foot lockers, so I guess it is dumb. What are
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: you doing? Man who buys pants?
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: If you saw nasily, well I'm not I'm not still
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: wearing close from foot lock going in in my forties.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: That's for I'm not my forties, I'm in my early thirties.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: I like you, you fucking old lopter bist face.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: You dress.
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: You dress like a fucking retired a Little League referee.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I hate everything. I hate your chest hair,
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: you're this shirt you're wearing in this picture we have
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: looks like my mom's couch from nineteen seventy eight. It
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: looks like you look wear a plaid and your facial
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: hair sucks. You look like a fuck it. Seriously, you
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: look like the cubes of a corpse.
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: So you feel like a recovery death person.
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: Oh death.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: You said that one already last time you're here. Can't
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: you're the same one twice you did?
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: Didn't hear him at the FIRS, He's.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: Like, oh my god, you look like you look like
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: you're transitioning to another gender. You look like you look
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: at your your mid hormonal replacement therapy right now. And
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: we have to and we don't know what's bathroom is
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: supposed to be using, so we just so we just
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: flip a coin on.
• 23:15
  Speaker 4: Oh my.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Oh god, I hate you say that again.
• 23:23
  Speaker 4: Sorry, go ahead, you look like that lady cyboards. Uh daughter.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: What shut up your fucking musketeer.
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: What do you mean musket you're like Civil War fighter?
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. You look like your name's d'Artagnan.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: The Three Muskets, three Musketee black author by the way, Oh.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: Really, yeah, interesting, we're worried about black man.
• 23:45
  Speaker 5: You're reading that again?
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: Get on your mic. Dumb dumb for lunch? The g
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: for lunch?
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: What it's it's? Oh you are you in l a?
• 23:56
  Speaker 4: Oh no, I'm in a plane. I just got to
• 23:58
  Speaker 4: l like I'm hungry.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: What are you gonna have?
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: I don't know, man, Uh, I don't know.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: What you're find to. La said, she just landed, just
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: landing from? Where?
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: Where are you coming from?
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: Phoenix? And Phoenix shows? Yeah? Did some shows?
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: Man.
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: I'm trying to think of something, make funny if I
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: can't think of.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: How were they? How are the shows in Phoenix? How
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: are the shows in Phoenix? I'm sure they were great?
• 24:24
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: There, what are you saying? Well, he's at a disadvantage though,
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: he's got to whisper his insult. Oh yeah, are you
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: sitting coach first class?
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: Don't lie?
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: First class?
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: Liear whatever? Dude, Phoenix to l a first class is bullshit. Yeah,
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: you're just sitting in the first few rows.
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: It's only a couple of minutes the whole flight.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: Whatever did in the first class? Son, you look like.
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: Every You look like the strongest kid at a third lunch.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: What shut up? You sound like a fucking pencil. I
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: wish that you were in front of me right now.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: I really wish you were in front of me right now.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: I really fucking do so I would have more stuff
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: to say because I guess you're probably wearing your stupid
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: Caprice sweatpants with your dumb take of myself and said,
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: I know you, I know, I know your seat may
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: can see your ankles and it's fucking disgusting. I know
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: they can see your ankles right now. And that about you,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: no doubt about it. With a with your Remember the
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: last time he came any you had. You had a
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: jacket on, like you were running a locomotive. It's like
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: Thomas Betrays Gates transitioning sister. Look at this, Look at
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: the look at his pants from the last time the
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Pins drive pants This oss gosh, fucking yankee, dude, I'm
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: wearing a full Islanders gear. Was that the night that
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: we took edible. Yes, yeah, that is Oh god, that's
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: the night man. I'm telling you, dude, I told you
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: this time and time again. You look like Aileen Werno's
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: the first serial killer ever. Actually Google that's the exact
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: haircut from aust Yeah. Yeah, you look like the first
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: casualty of the Civil War on the Confederates. You just
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: look like like I seen your face in a history
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: book with a fucking musket right to the middle of
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: your head and your ship rat tail laying on a
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: field in Frederick Spurn. This is not fair. He's got
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: a whisper, you know. I love you, dude.
• 26:24
  Speaker 4: Fredericksburg, you idiot, or wherever it was.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: Man, I'm gonna give a funk. We won. Y'all lost,
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: north Son, North for Life, north Side Union striking, just waiting.
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: Look at this. I'm gonna date your daughter one day.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's the lesbian relationships.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you bet you would.
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: I don't know what to say. No, she's not.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: She's half Puerto Rican. She can handle her own. She'll
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: know what to do with you, what to do with
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: your dumb Southern ass.
• 27:08
  Speaker 4: Listen to this, dude, I'm gonna come here in June
• 27:09
  Speaker 4: and I can talk because I got a whist on
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: this plane.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: If you come here and June, I'm gonna beat the
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna beat your ass to a pulp right on
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: the right in the middle of the studio. That's what
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: we're gonna do. You and I are gonna we're gonna
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: sucking duke it out. It's gonna get real. I'm gonna
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: sell your teeth on EBD.
• 27:34
  Speaker 4: What, oh idiot, do you put the end.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: Of your rattail in like a little a little ponytail
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: with a rubber band? Do you do that? Do you
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: put it like up?
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: Got it?
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: Your hair, dude, your hair. You I love you to death,
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: but your hair is the fucking worst. Dude like Lou
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: Kang from Street Fighter.
• 27:59
  Speaker 7: Like his hands on the tie behind his back on
• 28:01
  Speaker 7: he's now you can't I know a disadvantage, major disadvantage
• 28:07
  Speaker 7: all right next to you.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: What do you got next?
• 28:09
  Speaker 4: Now you recognize the disadvantage that you roasted?
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm going to come and see.
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: The last dangling chromosome out of you. You know, I
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: get the dude. I'm gonna come and beat the last
• 28:28
  Speaker 4: dangling chromosome.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, what's your special called thirty pound bag
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: of hamster bones? Why do you have what? Why is
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: it called that? The hamster?
• 28:41
  Speaker 4: But I'm gonna make I'm gonna make jewelry out of
• 28:43
  Speaker 4: your wife's spine.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: Do it? Here we go, the jewelry out of my
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: white wife. Thig, I don't have a wife, stupid.
• 28:54
  Speaker 5: Wow that was good.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my god, look at you kind of panty
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: wearing in this picture. Look like you're standing in a
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: potato sack. Like right, look at you, look like you
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: put on a flannel and a potato sack and you're like,
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: I'm a hip shock you seriously, dude, you look like,
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: oh God, like you sell vegan pizza, like you created
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: a new recipe for vegan pizza. Look at your fucking
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: and now the next picture have on these ripped jeans
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: with bowling shoes that that hole is a little too high.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: Fans from Rihanna know your pictures suck. Dude, you gotta
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: I'll pay for pay me and I'll post better pictures.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: Heel man, you look it's horrible.
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: Hole in those James. I'm sure he peees out of that.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah on hundred, look at you? Every picture all right,
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: all right.
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: Look, it's good to hear from you.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: Good to hear from you. We might have to give
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: Christis round.
• 30:08
  Speaker 6: Yeah, we might have to give Christmas one.
• 30:11
  Speaker 4: Let's make let's have a show down in June. Didn't
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: want to show down in the late gin.
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: We do that.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: Let's grapple, let's pick up, let's pick like an art form,
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: and then we'll do it. He me and you.
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: I don't want to know. I don't want to know
• 30:24
  Speaker 4: Formut's one opportunity I want. I want an opportunity. Mike
• 30:27
  Speaker 4: going to get in there and let you know I
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: really feel about.
• 30:31
  Speaker 6: Yeah, just what's an opportunity?
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: Just an all.
• 30:38
  Speaker 4: Right, I'm gonna go watch I'm gonna go watch The
• 30:39
  Speaker 4: Departed to get ready and.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: Man, human fibroids.
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: Thanks for nothing, you treat.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: That's a tough spot. Yeah, I couldn't do anything. I
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: was just hammering. I need to retweet my gosh's assaulting.
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: That was great.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah we should. We should take a break.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: What he just got here? I don't take a shot
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: and do some drinking. What do you bring?
• 31:11
  Speaker 6: Explain that bottle after the break, because I gotta do
• 31:13
  Speaker 6: some live reads for Mother's Day.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: The only reason we got to stop right this second