Latest / Parent support Circle Podcast / How to Keep Communication Open Without Being “That Annoying Parent
Transcript
- How to Keep Communication Open Without Being “That Annoying Parent [INTRO — 0:00–1:30] Curtis: Okay so — true story. My kid walked into the kitchen the other day. Saw me standing there. Made full eye contact. And then slowly… backed out of the room. (pause) No words. Just… a quiet retreat. And I'm standing there holding a spatula like — was it something I said? Was it something I was about to say? Do I just have that energy right now? RJ: (laughing) Curtis, I have been that kid. And I have also been that parent. Both. At different points in my life. Curtis: And that right there — that little kitchen moment — that is exactly what we're talking about today. Because somewhere between "I tell my kids everything" and "my kid just backed out of a room to avoid me" — there's a whole conversation that needs to happen. RJ: And nobody warns you about it. You don't see it coming. One day they're telling you everything, and then one day… they're not. Curtis: Welcome back to the Parent Support Circle. I'm Curtis, RJ's here with me, and today we're talking about how to stay connected with your kids — without becoming the parent they're actively dodging. Let's get into it. [SEGMENT 1 — WHY KIDS GO QUIET — 1:30–4:30] Curtis: So RJ — when did you first notice that something had shifted with Josh? Like when did you realize the communication was breaking down? RJ: You know, it was gradual. It snuck up on me. One day I just looked up and realized — he's not really telling me anything anymore. Like, I'm getting the surface stuff. "School was fine." "Nothing happened." But the real stuff? Gone. And at first I thought it was just — he's a teenager, that's what they do. But then I started paying attention to when he shut down… And it was always right after I'd done something. Asked too many questions. Jumped in with advice. Overreacted to something small. Curtis: So it wasn't that he didn't want to talk. It's that talking to you had started to feel like a certain kind of experience. RJ: Exactly. And not a good one. (laughs softly) I'd hit him with the full lineup the second he walked in. "Where were you? Who were you with? What did you do? Why didn't you text me back?" And I genuinely thought I was being a good, involved dad. But from his side of it? It felt like he was being processed. Like I was running him through a system. Curtis: Not a conversation — more like customs at the airport. RJ: (laughs) Yes! Exactly like that. "Please state the purpose of your visit." Curtis: And so what happens? He just starts giving you the minimum to get through. RJ: The bare minimum. Just enough to get cleared and move on. And I didn't even clock it for a while — I thought he was just going through a phase. Curtis: I think a lot of parents are sitting with that right now. Like — is this just a phase, or did I actually do something? And the honest answer is… it's usually a little of both, right? RJ: Yeah. And that's not a comfortable thing to sit with. But it's worth sitting with. [SEGMENT 2 — THE FIX-IT TRAP — 4:30–7:30] Curtis: Okay so let's talk about something I think most parents do — especially early on — without even realizing it. We hear our kid say something is wrong, and we immediately go into fix-it mode. RJ: Oh man. This was me with Amanda, one hundred percent. She came to me one evening — she was probably about seventeen — and she was upset about something that had happened with a friend. And I could tell it was bothering her. So she starts talking, and I'm already in my head — I'm already building the solution. I'm thinking, okay, here's what she needs to do, here's how this gets resolved… And I laid it all out for her. Proud of myself. Thought I nailed it. And she just looked at me and said — "Dad. I didn't ask you to fix it. I just wanted you to listen." Curtis: Ohhh. RJ: Yeah. And I remember feeling a little defensive at first, honestly. Like — I'm trying to help you! But then it landed. And I realized… she came to me wanting to feel heard. And I turned it into a strategy session. Curtis: And the thing is — the intent was good. You weren't trying to dismiss her. RJ: Not at all. But impact and intent are two different things. And that's something I really had to learn. Curtis: That's such an important line. Say that again. RJ: Impact and intent are two different things. You can mean well and still land wrong. And with teenagers especially — they feel the impact. They don't always see the intent. Curtis: So what did you do differently after that? RJ: I started asking before I did anything. Like — "Do you want me to just listen, or do you actually want help figuring it out?" And sometimes she'd say, yeah, I want your input. But a lot of the time she'd say — just listen. And I'd just… listen. Which is harder than it sounds, by the way. Curtis: (laughs) It really is. Because your brain wants to do something. RJ: Your whole body wants to do something. You're sitting there like — I have thoughts. I have solutions. And you just have to let it go. (laughs) Curtis: But that's where the connection actually happens. RJ: That's exactly where it happens. In the space where you don't jump in. [SEGMENT 3 — TIMING IS EVERYTHING — 7:30–10:30] Curtis: Let's talk about timing. Because I think this is one that doesn't get enough attention. It's not just what you say — it's when you try to say it. RJ: Oh, this one I learned the hard way. Multiple times. (laughs) There was a period where I'd try to have these important conversations with Josh right when he got home from school. Like he'd walk through the door and I'd be ready. I'd been thinking about something all day and I'm like — okay, let's talk. Curtis: And how did that go? RJ: About as well as you'd imagine. (laughs) He'd barely taken his backpack off and I'm trying to have this deep conversation about his attitude or his grades or whatever it was. And he would just… shut down immediately. Like a wall came up. Curtis: Because he hasn't even decompressed yet. RJ: He's still in school mode. He's still carrying whatever the day put on him. And I'm adding to the pile before he's even had a chance to set it down. Curtis: So when did you figure out what actually worked? RJ: Honestly? By accident. We were in the car one night — it was kind of late, we were driving back from something — and the conversation just… happened. I wasn't planning it. There was no agenda. And he talked. Really talked. And I remember thinking — this is it. This is the environment. Curtis: Low pressure. Side by side. Nobody's staring at each other. RJ: No eye contact. No sitting across a table like it's a job interview. Just two people in a car going somewhere. Curtis: There's something about that, right? When it doesn't feel like a talk — that's when the real talking happens. RJ: Every single time. The best conversations I've had with both my kids — neither of us planned them. We were just… together. Curtis: So for the parents listening — think about where your kid actually opens up. Is it at the dinner table? Probably not. Is it in the car? Maybe. Is it late at night when you go to say goodnight? RJ: Find your window. Every kid has one. You just have to pay attention. [SEGMENT 4 — ASK BETTER QUESTIONS — 10:30–13:00] Curtis: Okay — real talk. How many of us have asked "how was your day?" and gotten absolutely nothing back? RJ: (laughs) Every parent. Every single parent. Curtis: It's like we keep asking it hoping one day the answer is going to be different. And it never is. RJ: "Fine." "Good." "I don't know." That's the rotation. That's all you're getting. Curtis: So what actually works? RJ: You have to get specific. Or get weird. (laughs) With Amanda I started asking things like — "What was the most annoying part of your day?" Or "Did anything actually surprise you today?" And she'd think about it. Because it wasn't a yes/no question. It required her to actually go back through the day. Curtis: And suddenly you're in a real conversation. RJ: Without it feeling like you forced one. That's the key. It has to feel natural, not like you're interviewing them. Curtis: I love "what made you laugh today." Because even on a bad day — usually something made them laugh. And it's an easy entry point. RJ: It's non-threatening. It's not "tell me about your problems." It's just — what was good? What was funny? And from there, the other stuff sometimes comes out on its own. Curtis: You're not prying. You're just opening a door and standing next to it. RJ: That's a really good way to put it. [SEGMENT 5 — WHEN THEY TELL YOU SOMETHING HARD — 13:00–16:00] Curtis: Alright — this is the one I really want to spend time on. Because I think this is where a lot of parents lose ground without realizing it. Your kid actually comes to you with something real. Something hard. And your reaction in that moment determines whether they ever do it again. RJ: Yeah. This one cost me some trust with Josh, and it took a while to earn it back. He came to me once — he was maybe fifteen — and he told me he'd gotten in trouble at school. Not something massive, but real. And I remember the feeling when he told me — this immediate spike of frustration. And I let it out. "What? Why would you do that? What were you thinking?" And I watched his face just… close. Right in front of me. Curtis: He regretted telling you. RJ: In real time. I could see it happening. And I wanted to take it back, but the moment was gone. Curtis: And what happened after that? RJ: He stopped telling me things for a while. Not everything — but the real stuff, the stuff that mattered? He kept that to himself. Because he'd already run the math. This is what happens when I'm honest with Dad. Curtis: And that's such a quiet kind of damage. It doesn't show up all at once. It just… accumulates. RJ: Slowly. And you don't even notice until there's real distance between you. Curtis: So what did you learn to do instead? RJ: Pause. Just — pause. Even two seconds. Because my first reaction is almost never the right one. Now when something hard comes up, I try to lead with — "Okay. Walk me through what happened." Not an accusation. Not a lecture. Just — help me understand. Curtis: You're staying in the conversation instead of shutting it down. RJ: And the guidance still happens. You're not letting things slide. But you're doing it from a place of connection, not reaction. And that changes everything about how it lands. Curtis: Calm first. Everything else second. RJ: That's the whole thing right there. [SEGMENT 6 — CONNECTION OVER CONTROL — 16:00–18:30] Curtis: I want to get to something that I think is at the root of all of this. Because everything we've talked about today comes back to one idea. Are you parenting for control — or for connection? RJ: Yeah. And I say this as someone who spent a lot of years trying to control outcomes. Trying to manage everything. Make sure my kids were doing the right things, making the right choices, heading in the right direction. And the more I squeezed, the less I actually knew about what was going on with them. Curtis: Because they stopped letting you in. RJ: Exactly. When kids feel controlled, they don't push back and engage — they just go around you. They find ways to keep their real life separate from you. But when I shifted — when I started focusing on just being someone they actually wanted to talk to — things changed. Curtis: What did that look like practically? RJ: Honestly? Less interrogating. More just… being around. Watching a show with them. Sitting in the same room. Not always needing it to mean something or go somewhere. Just being present without an agenda. Curtis: And what happened? RJ: They started coming to me. On their own. Not every time, not about everything — but more. Noticeably more. Because I wasn't a threat anymore. I was just — Dad. Someone they could be around. Curtis: And that's what we all actually want, right? Not to be obeyed. Not to be in charge. Just to be someone our kids choose to come to. RJ: That's it. That's the whole goal. [OUTRO — 18:30–20:00] Curtis: Before you go — I want to put something in your hands. We just talked about a lot in this episode. Listening more. Reacting less. Asking better questions. And I know how it goes — you're nodding along right now, you feel it, and then life happens and by tonight you can't remember what you were going to do differently. So we put together something simple for you. It's called "Stop Getting 'Fine' — 25 Questions That Actually Start Real Conversations With Your Kid." Twenty-five questions — organized by mood, by moment, by how deep you want to go. You screenshot it, you stick it on your fridge, you pull it up in the car before your kid gets in. Whatever works for you. No fluff. No theory. Just questions that actually work — because everything on that list came straight from conversations like the one you just heard. To grab it, go to https://parentsupportcircle.com/25questions-page — or the link is right there in the show notes. It's free. It takes thirty seconds to download. And it might just change the conversation you have with your kid tonight. RJ: Seriously — one question. That's all it takes to open a door. Let us help you find the right one. Curtis: Link's in the show notes. Go get it. And we'll see you in the next one. 👊