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How to Stop Negative Self-Talk, Learn about Yourself, and Change Your Inner Voice · The Inspired Speaker Network

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You are listening to The Awakening Woman On The Rise.
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If you are a woman who is seeking to live a more authentic life,
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but are feeling not enough to step out fully just yet, you are in the right place.
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If you are a woman who is looking to live your personal truth
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and make the impact you truly desire, you are in the right place.
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I'm your host, Wendy Yacboski. Let's step out in this together.
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So welcome to session two. And I have a wonderful surprise for you.
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And that is that I am joined by a very good friend and colleague, Danielle Benson.
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And we are discussing day-to-day topics that not only come up for us,
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but I bet they come up for you too. So I invite you to listen to each episode,
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see what sparks for you, and take it from there.
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Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. I am here once again with the amazing Reverend
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Wendy Yacboski. Hi, Wendy, how you doing?
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I'm doing really well, Danielle. It's so great to be with you again.
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It is such a pleasure. I love your conversations. Our conversations are the best.
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And I remember vaguely that last time we said we're going to do something about self-talk.
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And you said something that was really funny. You're like, I don't feel very grounded in
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self-talk today, which is just such a funny thing to say, because I was like,
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do you feel grounded when you're doing self-talk? I kind of feel like that's the
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opposite of grounded. So it was just an interesting to put those two things together.
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So when you're experiencing self-talk, do you feel more grounded when you're experiencing
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self-talk? Or did you just feel like you didn't feel connected to the topic today?
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Yeah, you know, here's the truth, transparent truth is that there's a part of me that always
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wants to help others. And part of me believes that I need to plan for that, which isn't always a
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bad thing. But I think that there was just a part of me saying, Wendy, what do you have to say today,
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which is an important thing to know about self-talk? Because I don't know that I feel
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grounded in self-talk. But I think it's really important for me and, and all of us to be aware
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of what that self-talk is. Because, because self-talk is going to be the instrument of choice
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of how I choose to behave, because wouldn't it be totally out of maybe intelligent integrity,
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that's just what's coming to me, to think that I'm not going to act the way I'm talking to myself,
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because it becomes a belief, don't you think? I think it's silly to think that you can talk
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to yourself one way all day, and then act a different way. I think that's, that's absolutely,
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that is, that is denial right there. I love your self-talk, there's more like self interrogation,
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like, what do you have to say today? What do you have to say today? What value do you have to give?
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And you weren't, so you're, you were showing up in a place of not trusting your innate wisdom,
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your self-talk is, is a doubt, it's a doubter, a doubting Thomas, your self-talk. I do think
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it's interesting how self-talk shows up. I think a lot of us don't even realize
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how much of our talk, our inner talk, like our brain talk is self-talk, because there's
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the direct self-talk, which is things like, oh, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I did this.
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There's that. But there's also all these little other things that are, they're not quite self-talk,
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but it's the talk in the brain that's going on. That is your perspective, not voice, but voice
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in your head. I hear a voice in my head a lot of the times when I think I know not everyone.
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I'm very auditory. So I tend to hear my thoughts. I know a lot of people don't.
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But do you hear your voice in your head when you think?
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I do. Yeah, I do. Sometimes, depending on maybe what I'm going through,
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it's not always conscious. But when I get still, when I get quiet, then I realize what that voice
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is. You know, something's just coming up for me, Danielle, that because I heard what you were
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saying about that it wasn't really self-talk. It was more self-questioning. And I hear,
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and no, no, really, I think it's beautiful. And what it made me realize is that underneath
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that questioning is a self-talk that I'm not aware of. So, you know, I just want to give us the
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example or speak of the example of when, let's just say we had a desire for a red Lamborghini
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or whatever. We think our focus is the red Lamborghini, which is the surface focus for sure.
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The material is the surface focus or my concern about what I have to offer is the surface
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of it. But really, as I learned in the past, that it's how I want to feel with that red Lamborghini
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that makes the difference. So, I hope this is going to land, come together. But
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when I was concerned about what do I have to share? What do I have to say?
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There was a part of me that wanted to feel a certain result, like to feel
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a value, to feel of contribution, to feel of what it is that is integrous to what's important to me.
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But it looked like the red Lamborghini. It looked like the question, what do I have to offer?
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And I actually think, Danielle, that it's quite important to know that
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sometimes there's something beneath that thought that's instrumental.
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Danielle Pletka Or even believe that. So,
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beneath that question, so we could kind of dig, I'm just going to psychoanalyze you for a minute.
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I hope that's okay. I mean, I think this whole like, what do I have to say? What do I have to
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offer is something all of us can relate to on a day-to-day basis. So, I'm not singling you out.
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Because I do the same thing. What do I have to offer? I haven't prepared. What am I going to say?
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Comes from this kind of, there's this assumption-y kind of perspective lens thing
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that I'm not inherently of value, that I need to prove myself, that I need to bring something to
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the table, that trust isn't there, right? Like, if I was like, yeah, I know what I'm talking about,
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I'm going to have a great time. It wouldn't be there. And that is also a result of self-talk
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on a much deeper level. And maybe not voiced as often because it's so formative. But for many
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years of thinking, I'm not enough, I don't have anything to offer, blah, blah, blah, all that
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stuff. So, it's so interesting. It's kind of like layered, like bedrock. Like, we have this self-talk,
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it creates a self-image, which creates self-talk, which creates a self-image, which creates self-talk.
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And there's this kind of layering thing going on. Because I know, if I think of it for myself,
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I think of this inherent sense of inadequacy that I formed as a child. And then the self-talk on top
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of that is like, oh, you're worthless, and you have to make up for existing. And then that becomes,
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that was, that started as self-talk, and then it stopped being talk at some point,
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and it just became like perspective. And that kind of hardened into rock. And then the self-talk on
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top of that was more things like, you have to ace this test, or it's your responsibility to do this,
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or if you don't call them, you're a bad friend, or all that. It's kind of more surface level.
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But you know, isn't that interesting, the way it kind of like, you talk to yourself long enough,
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it solidifies into something more like perspective. And then there's more self-talk on top,
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and it just kind of builds. Yeah, exactly. And it is interesting. And the term that's coming
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up for me right now is about affirmation. You know, that I remember finally learning that
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an affirmation isn't going to work if I don't already believe that it's possible for me. And,
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and so I believe that especially in the self help or self growth in just not just industry,
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but we're wanting to have a better life can become layers itself. I was listening to a really
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interesting man new to my, my knowledge of or what he does, but is Peter Sage,
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and he was talking. Well, he was talking about manifestation, but he brought up the term
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identity, what is our identity? And which I think really tunes into talking about in terms of self
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talk that, but that lower, lower layer really, in some ways that that identity can change. And
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we also need to be aware of what we think, what our identity is, so that we can,
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these aren't his words, that we can know that flesh out the truth, you know, about about
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ourselves, I just identity was a word that I thought, Oh, my God, what is my identity beneath
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what I think I should be and what I'm trying to talk to myself about.
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And how much of that is created, how much of that identity is created through self talk. So I love
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what you said about affirmations, because I feel like a lot of people use affirmations, like a
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bandaid to put on top. And if we think about these layers, like a solidified layer, and then self
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talk, a solidified layer, like bedrock, then on bedrocks, one word, you know what I mean? Like,
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like the layers of the earth, whatever those are called, I didn't do geography. And if we think of
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it like that, then if we put an affirmation on top, it's not going to do anything, because we've
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still got all these layers of rock underneath. So I think, I think before we can get to affirmations,
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or at the same time, we need to be interrogating, in, you know, digging down in through those layers,
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because something that helped me a lot, because I, I still have some negative self talk, of course,
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I'm human, but I used to have a lot more. And something that helped me was, I was living with
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my partner at the time, and I would say it out loud. And part of that was just because I was
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used to living on my own. And I just talked to myself all the time. But it was it became a tool
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for both of us, because he couldn't see into my anxiety, he couldn't see into my anxiety attacks
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and into my spiraling. But if I spoke it out loud, he could understand what was going on in my head.
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And then he became the advocate for me, because I couldn't do it myself at the beginning.
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And so it was things like, I'd be in the kitchen, and I'd drop something, and I'd be like, oh,
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Danielle, you're so stupid. And he'd shout from the other room, don't call Danielle stupid.
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And I'd be like, right, I'm not stupid. I just dropped something. He's like, great. And so and
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it took a while. But after quite a bit of conditioning of him hearing me and like,
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are kind of essentially arguing with the voice in my head, I got strong enough to be able to do that
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myself. And so when he wasn't there, and I said something like, Oh, you're so dumb. But don't
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talk to Danielle like that. Danielle's not dumb. And I do it to myself. And it became this really
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beautiful conversation. I could start to stand up to myself. Because weirdly, we've got multiple
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selves in our heads, right? Like, because you can't talk to yourself, without splitting yourself,
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you know, work. So there are different parts of yourself that are in conversation. And I built
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up the courage and the strength to be able to talk back, and then eventually start changing
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the conversation and start to be like, No, I'm not stupid. I'm clumsy. Why am I clumsy? I'm tired.
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Maybe I should have a nap. And you know, things like that would have start happening. So I think
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empowering the inner self and interrogating those assumptions, like, yeah, where that's coming from.
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Absolutely, Danielle, you know, I'm so admiring of what you just shared, because
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I, myself, and I'm sure many of us feel,
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I'm trying to think of the word, unstable is not the right word. But, but judgmental,
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no, no, judgmental of ourselves, like whoever was encouraged to talk to themselves and be saying
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nobody. You have shown a way of the self growing, growing the self acceptance of being able to talk
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to yourself, even out loud. That can help. It's almost like sometimes when you're willing to say
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something out loud, you hear it differently, you can do it differently. And it can be rather
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than the suppression of, I can't know myself in that way. I can't move forward in that way. Right?
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You're so right. Because if we, and there's a whole bunch of shame around this,
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if I feel too much shame around what I'm thinking about myself, that I can't say it out loud,
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I can never combat it. Because I won't bring it out into the open, and I won't deal with it. And
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so it gets more and more powerful. By speaking it, which is weird, because usually I think speaking
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things gives them power. But when it comes to self talk, I mean, you have to speak it with the
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intention to argue with it. If you speak it out loud, like an affirmation, then yes, you are giving
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it power. But if you speak it out loud, to kind of air it out and show it that it's wrong, then you
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can actually, you can, you can work with it. And you can start going, no, you're not right. Or why
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do I think that about myself? You can start interrogating it, and you can start getting
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curious about it. Whereas if it stays in the subconscious, and you don't voice it, like really
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actually voice it out loud, even writing it out, I don't think is quite the same. There's something
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in that act of giving it reality. Yes. That means we can take it to the next step. You don't want
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to leave it there. You don't want to give it reality and go, okay, well, that's true. You
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don't want to do that. But if you give it reality, then you're like, okay, here's a thing. I can,
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I could deal with this thing. And I think that's, that's a really good point. That's so,
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you reminded me also, like, none of us are, none of us are encouraged to speak to ourselves and
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be sane. One of my favorite celebrities of all time is Dorothy Parker. She was a writer for,
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oh, I think the New Yorker, I can't remember. But she was a, she was a journalist and kind of
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celebrity journalist and, and a writer, and an amazing writer. And one of the quotes she's famous
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for saying is, of course, I talk to myself. I love a good, I'm an excellent conversationalist,
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and I appreciate a good audience. I paraphrase that badly. But isn't that fantastic? Of course,
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I talk to myself. I'm the only one worth listening to. I remember when I used to,
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a few years ago in a job that I had, there was a fire department within that organization. And,
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and I asked the fire chief, I said, Are you talking to yourself? He said, Yes. And I'm in
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very good company. See, you know, you know, Danielle, I want to bring up something that I
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again, admire, and I'm reminded of is, is the willingness to question ourselves, not in a
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judgmental, not in a cruel, not in a put self in a box way. But I know that at least maybe I,
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I came by this honestly thinking that at that time, maybe I didn't know well enough,
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but it almost seemed like questioning myself was not rebellion, but it was like
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moving away from a tribe, which at that time was the tribe of my family, you know, and it was like
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questioning myself, like, what's the point? And what do I know anyway? And, and I don't mean this
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as demeaning, but I'm actually recognizing this as I'm speaking it out loud. So I stopped questioning
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myself and just following what I was told was right, what I should do what I had to do in order
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to be successful. And what I'm hearing you say, Daniel, and making okay, is, is the power of
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questioning ourselves? Yes, being aware of the self talk and being able to go is that really me?
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Is that what I really want? Or you know, the various things that you said, because
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how the heck can we move forward? When we're not to question something?
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Well, how can we grow and evolve if we stay stuck in the same sense of ourselves? If you think of
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children, you know, and it's an it's an annoying thing that children do they ask why all the time,
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they're trying to be annoying, they're curious. And that curiosity, I think is so important.
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I remember, I can't even remember what it was, I think. I think a friend of mine was helping me,
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it was something like helping me shop or something. And she was, she was interviewing me,
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she was asking me questions about how I felt in certain clothes, and she would keep saying why.
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And, and it made me kind of interrogate that and kind of figure it out, because I didn't know why.
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But we needed to know why in order to be able to replicate it, right, which total, absolutely
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logical, serving me kind of question. And then she did it with someone else. And they were like,
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Oh, my goodness, I just felt so picked on. Because she kept asking why. And I was like,
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oh, that's so interesting. Because I took that why as a curiosity of like,
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oh, I want to understand you better. And she took that why as a, you know, you're wrong,
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like, like, like, when we're questioned, there's an assumption that we're wrong.
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And I've always thought of questions as being like, why? You know, you know, I feel this way.
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Oh, interesting. Why do you feel that way? It's not a Oh, you're wrong to feel that way.
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I would like to understand you better. Yes. Whereas I think a lot of people because we don't
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question past childhood, for some reason, which is the stupidest thing in the world,
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we should be questioning everything all the time. Not because things are necessarily wrong.
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But because it'll help us understand things better. If we're constantly questioning,
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the things that are right are going to feel more right. And the things that are wrong,
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yeah, they're going to fall away. But it's questioning something doesn't necessarily mean
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that we think it's incorrect. Like this weird, there's a weird idea there that I just I just
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don't get. I really love that, Danielle, because I think it gives certainly for me,
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it gives me the opportunity to see being questioned in a different way. Because there was a time
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when, well, going up, I felt I needed to justify everything. I couldn't just like something,
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I couldn't just want something, I couldn't just need something, I had to justify why that was a
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good thing to do, or the right thing to do, or whatever. You know, so I really appreciate
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being reminded that, that I give everything the meaning it has.
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Just coming to me is something I'm learning. But I'm giving questioning a meaning
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that there's not just one meaning for you're sharing that, that questioning is actually
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about understanding more, knowing more, even knowing myself more, knowing someone else better,
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rather than why is it that you think what you just brought up is a totally legitimate point.
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And I think maybe I'm lucky enough not to have had to justify myself quite so much. But
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because I was talking about this today as well, today, today, yesterday, you know, when someone
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pushes you for an answer, and it's none of your business. And you know, if I, if I don't want to
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go out to a party, and someone says, Oh, well, why? What are you doing? Like, it's none of your
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business what I'm doing instead. Why I don't want to go. And that should be enough. And so there is
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that that can be very aggressive, very kind of manipulative questioning when someone's trying
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to make you justify yourself. Yeah, in order to change your mind, or in order to get you to do
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they want you to do. I'm very resistant to that. I get really angry. I'll often make something up.
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I kept my reason private for a reason. And I don't want to tell you. So yeah, yeah.
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I don't like it.
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Just in terms of self talk. The question that's coming up is that when you're able to do that to
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justify yourself? Yeah. Are you aware of self talk that supports you in that?
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Uh, yeah, I think so. I I'm one of those people. And I think this is maybe not so normal. I'm one
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of those people who I'm, I feel a lot. And I don't think that's abnormal. But I'm very aware of how
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much I feel. I've always been a very emotional person. And as I've grown up and learned how to
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accept that and be grounded in it instead of subject to it, which, you know, was not fun.
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But as I've learned to have a good relationship with my emotions, I do find that often a feeling
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is enough for me. I feel this very strongly. Okay, I know this is wrong for me. I know this
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is right for me. And that comes weirdly, that comes with almost all decisions. I don't have
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trouble making decisions. Or, you know, like, should I go? Do I want to go? Do I not want to go?
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Those kind of things. I always, I always know how I feel about things. Yes, I think is not everyone
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always knows how they feel about things. So for me, if I don't always, I don't always feel
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justified in my reasoning. Like I don't always feel like the other person will accept my reason.
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Mm hmm. But I feel like I know this is right for me. But I don't always want to tell them because
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I don't accept it. So that is when I try and I do my best to just kind of keep my answer private,
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because it's none of their business. You know, it's my life. I get to do what I want.
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I'm not responsible to be people. Of course, you know, I try to be. Yeah, I don't want to be a nice
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person. But you know, if someone's pushing you, and they're, they're making you uncomfortable,
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you have a right to stay safe. And I think I, that was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
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And I spent most of my life feeling unsafe. So now that I know that I'm allowed to protect my
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boundaries, I am very fierce about them. But that only came in the last 10 years of my life. Like I
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was, I was very good at letting other people trample over my boundaries for the first 20,
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20 or 30 years of my life. So I think, in that situation, I might not always feel safe to tell
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them what my reason is. But I do feel like putting my foot down is the right thing. Does that make
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any? I don't know if I answered your question. Totally makes sense. And I just something else
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I'm thinking. This isn't about downing self talk. But what I'm and what I'm hearing you say, yeah,
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is I am like, like, when you know, I'm thinking, like, self talk can be great, it can maybe move
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us through one awareness to another words in a moment. And but it's not present. I want to say
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it's not what? It's not presence. Exactly. And that's like the sense that I got from you,
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Daniel, when you were I know, when you were sharing about, that's why I asked about the
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self talk. There's a low another, we're talking about a lower, deeper level, which is when we
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can get to the point of I am. Oh, my job, my job. When we're present, we don't need to explain or
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justify we just are. And there's and I, it's funny, because I tell this to my my speakers all the
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time. I say, you know, because nerves are a form of self talk, right? Like when you're when you're
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standing up and you're nervous. Oh, I hope I don't forget what to say. I hope no one thinks of all
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that stuff that self consciousness. There's no space for that when you're present. Yeah, can't
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be both. You can't be present and judging yourself at the same time. So easiest cure to nerves is just
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to be present. Because you can't be present and judging yourself at the same time. So that's
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gorgeous what you just said there. And that's something that I never considered, which is
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ridiculous. That one of the that one of the cures to that self talk and to that, like, if I'm looping
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as someone who has anxiety, if I'm starting to loop, I'm starting to spiral. And they do say
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this, you know, like, name five things you can see and hear and smell. So that is a way of, I guess,
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that's what they're kind of referring to is to getting present. But if I just went like,
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what am I right now? Like, can I get present in this moment in this feeling?
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You're a genius.
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Danielle, you know, I'm reminded of an experience. And I just want anyone listening to know this is
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wasn't a plant what I'm going to say right now about working with you. I'm just, I'm just
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reminded of a of a program I took with you multi day, it might have been a long weekend or something
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like that. And I remember being so freaked out that I could not take notes to speak. I don't
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mean take I mean, take them with me. And I remember standing up in front of the group there. Oh, my
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god, Danielle, it just and I'm realizing Danielle that in that moment, I couldn't go to the self
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talk that says you're contributing, Wendy, you need to say something in a certain way or a certain
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level or this or that or the other. I had to go into I am, I had to dig into that place within me
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that that knew that it knew but not from an ego place. It was it was like from a place of there's
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a part of me that just is there's a part of me that just knows again, not from the ego. We've all
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lived to whatever age or whatever, wherever we are. And we know to that level or to that degree.
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And so, you know, I think that was a part of me being able to come to I am especially in in speaking
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and you're beautiful. The recent, the scriptless speaking, where, you know, being shocked to,
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oh, my god, I do know. Like, where did that come from? I know.
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There's a well of wisdom within me. Where is it? I don't know.
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Yeah, exactly. But you know, I would love for myself and it's something that I'm really working
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with is that my self talk to be more I am than I should be.
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Yeah, let's get rid of the shirts. Right? I love that I am and especially that I am just just I am.
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Yes, without anything else. Just the I am. It's a beautiful meditation, something to that's
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something I use a lot when I'm when I'm doing my personal practice. I'm doing my speaking practice.
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I just just staying with I am not having to think about it, not having to dissect it,
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not having to just as a really getting presence exercise. And sometimes as part of a kind of
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self connection exercise, we add an adjective. But I love that so much. Someone I used to follow
30:03
said something about affirmations because I have a love hate relationship with affirmations. Like,
30:08
I love the idea. But as as they are on the surface, they've never worked for me. So
30:13
I'm always trying to find different ways in. And she said something about kind of making it self
30:20
talk. Instead of I am saying, may you be may be safe. May you be loved. May you be wise, whatever
30:29
it is. And just instead of saying I am which kind of feels can feel like denial if you're not feeling
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it. And that just in any time you're in denial, it's going to increase the imposter syndrome,
30:39
it's going to increase. If you're saying an affirmation, and it feels like denial, you are
30:44
almost, almost definitely doing more damage than you are help, because you're reinforcing that
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you're lying to yourself, which is not a good thing. So if it does feel like that, instead of
30:56
just, you know, bullying yourself through it, which doesn't feel good, either, because the
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right, if it feels right, great, do it. But if it doesn't feel right, may you be like a wish for
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yourself, like a prayer or a, you know, or a blessing for yourself. And I love that so much,
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because it just, it just made it more gentle. And it made it more like, I'm not in control of
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the universe. But this is what I want for you. When I'm talking to myself, and I think,
31:26
yeah, yeah. And I wonder how helpful it might be, just like we were saying, I am,
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what if we were able to say to ourselves, maybe like a, a willing mantra is may I be
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now? Lovely. Yeah, man. Yeah, I love. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
31:51
I thought we should probably close. Yeah. So may you listening? Yeah, be safe, and loved,
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and heard and curious. And may you be inquisitive in a gentle, compassionate way
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about the thoughts that you think, may you hear the thoughts that you think,
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so that you can choose to reinforce them, or question them, depending on where you're at.
32:23
And Wendy, I just love talking to you. Thank you so much. This has been so great. May you
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be joyful and happy and peaceful today. And, and may you be here again soon.
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Maybe, maybe to do this again. Another day, because there's lots more to cover.
32:44
Yes, absolutely. Lots of love, Daniel. Thank you so much, Wendy.