Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #214 Creating Margin

Transcript

#214 Creating Margin · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, the first one is intention, and I think it's
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  Speaker 2: just so important that we actually work out what our
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  Speaker 2: intention is, what are we actually hoping to get out
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  Speaker 2: of what?
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello.
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  Speaker 4: This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books
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  Speaker 4: about raising happy families. Here with Kylie, my wife and
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  Speaker 4: co host and the mum to our six daughters.
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  Speaker 2: And I want to highlight another review on the podcast
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  Speaker 2: from Apple Podcasts.
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  Speaker 4: And then coming in like every day thick and fast,
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  Speaker 4: five star reviews, all of them, which is so wonderful.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you.
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  Speaker 2: This one's super short, but it's wonderful practical series from
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  Speaker 2: the Rema from Switzerland.
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  Speaker 3: Hey, thank you so much, Threema.
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  Speaker 4: We really appreciate that those five star reviews help other
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  Speaker 4: people to find out about the podcast. And it can
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  Speaker 4: literally be three words. You can just say wonderful practical
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  Speaker 4: series and write your name where you're from. That's all
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  Speaker 4: we need, so five stars, super thank you so much
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  Speaker 4: the Reema.
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  Speaker 2: So today I thought that we might tackle something that
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  Speaker 2: you and I actually struggle with a fair bit. Well, actually,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to push this all onto you. This is
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  Speaker 2: something you struggle with a lot. I really made some
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  Speaker 2: conscious efforts this year to be more intentional about how
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  Speaker 2: I spend my time, and in particular actually saying no,
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  Speaker 2: I'm feeling.
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  Speaker 4: A little bit attacked here. I'm feeling a little bit threatened.
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  Speaker 4: Are you saying that? I don't say knowing that I'm
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  Speaker 4: not intentional.
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  Speaker 2: There is a little quote that you use a lot
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  Speaker 2: in our house, and it's bite off for more than
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  Speaker 2: you can chew? Does it sound like anything you might say?
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  Speaker 3: All right, so there's a little bit of history here.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't know you're going to go there.
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  Speaker 4: So basically, years and years and years ago, I was
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  Speaker 4: goofing off and coming up with kind of like a
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  Speaker 4: mantra or a motto for my life, like what's one
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  Speaker 4: line that describes what my life is? And I couldn't
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  Speaker 4: come up with one, but I came up with two.
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  Speaker 4: And the first one was always bought off more than
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  Speaker 4: I can chew, and the second one is make it
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  Speaker 4: up as you go along, because obviously, once you bite
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  Speaker 4: off more than you you got to, you gotta just
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  Speaker 4: shoot from the hip and you know what.
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  Speaker 2: I actually loved that about you because we have achieved
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  Speaker 2: things that we would never have achieved if you hadn't
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  Speaker 2: have done that.
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  Speaker 4: It makes life exciting when you just say yes to everything.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's also quite exhausting.
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  Speaker 3: It is.
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  Speaker 4: It reminds me of a really really I think clever
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  Speaker 4: Seinfeld skit from years ago. It was on his show
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  Speaker 4: and I found it on YouTube. Have a listen and
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  Speaker 4: see if this sounds a bit like me.
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  Speaker 3: I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at
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  Speaker 3: night because I'm Nate guy. Nate guy wants to stay
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  Speaker 3: up late. What about getting up after five hours sleep?
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  Speaker 3: Oh that's morning guys, cross, It's not my problem. I'm
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  Speaker 3: nake guy, as they want. So you get up in
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  Speaker 3: the morning.
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  Speaker 2: You won.
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  Speaker 3: You're exhausting, gluggy. I hate that Nate guy. It's a
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  Speaker 3: Nate guy, always screwled morning guy. There's nothing morning guy
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  Speaker 3: can do. The only morning guy can do is try
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  Speaker 3: obously often enough so that dead guy loses a job
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  Speaker 3: and night guy has no money to go out anymore. Oh,
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  Speaker 3: I'm kind of I just love it. I'm kind of
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  Speaker 3: a night guy, right.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, you were so a Nika. But it's even weekend guy,
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  Speaker 2: you look at our calendar at the beginning of the weekend,
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  Speaker 2: you realize that we're completely and utterly free for the weekend,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm thinking, this is awesome. No commitments. We can
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  Speaker 2: just get things done in the house, have some time
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  Speaker 2: with the kids. And all of a sudden, you've made suggestions,
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  Speaker 2: several suggestions, not just one, but several suggestions about what
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  Speaker 2: we might do to fill up that time. By the
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  Speaker 2: time we get to the weekend, we're so exhausted. You've
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  Speaker 2: booked in two or three social events that require our time, attention,
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  Speaker 2: and energy. And I'm looking at you, going I just
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  Speaker 2: want to.
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  Speaker 3: Go to bed.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, but if you bought it more than you can chew,
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  Speaker 4: you get to have so much more fun. There's no
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  Speaker 4: fun in but well, I shouldn't say there's no fun
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  Speaker 4: in but we have six children. But I think I
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  Speaker 4: can't believe you just said that, But I think that
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  Speaker 4: there's this thing going on with no milk. And I
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  Speaker 4: so years and years and years ago, I think we
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  Speaker 4: were expecting child number three, or maybe child number four,
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  Speaker 4: and I decided that I was going to be noble
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  Speaker 4: and helpful around the house, and so I picked up
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  Speaker 4: all of the dirty washing. I made a dark's pile,
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  Speaker 4: I made a white pile, and I made a pink
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  Speaker 4: spile because we had lots of little girls and the
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  Speaker 4: dark's pile was huge, and I thought, well, I'll start
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  Speaker 4: with the big pile. And you were expecting, and so
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  Speaker 4: I was trying to do this so that you didn't
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  Speaker 4: have to do all of the housework, because you know,
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  Speaker 4: I was trying to be noble. And I stuffed a
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  Speaker 4: whole lot of clothing into the washing machine, like probably
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  Speaker 4: two and a half loads worth.
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  Speaker 3: I just kept on jamming it in there, more and
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  Speaker 3: more and more.
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  Speaker 4: Because there was I just thought, why would I do
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  Speaker 4: this in two or three loads when.
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  Speaker 3: I can do it in one. When I pulled the washing.
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  Speaker 2: Nay Moum that's listening right now knows where this is going.
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  Speaker 4: I think I deserve points for trying anyway. So I've
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  Speaker 4: pulled the washing out, and as I'm pulling it out,
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  Speaker 4: it's dirtier coming out than it was when it went in.
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  Speaker 4: And there's all of this fuzz all over the washing,
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  Speaker 4: and like, what have I done here? There's something the
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  Speaker 4: matter with washing machine. You walked into the kitchen and
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  Speaker 4: I'm staring at the Harvey Norman Electrical Appliance Catalog, thinking,
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  Speaker 4: I need to buy a new washing machine for our
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  Speaker 4: family because this one's on the blink, and you then
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  Speaker 4: described it to me once you saw and diagnosed the
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  Speaker 4: problem that the washing machine doesn't work properly when you
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  Speaker 4: try and cram too much in.
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  Speaker 2: It's kind of like the refrigerator when it's too full,
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't keep everything cold. You things go off so
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  Speaker 2: much faster. Our lives are exactly like that.
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  Speaker 3: Don't try to cram too much in.
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  Speaker 4: So what we want to do as we finish the
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  Speaker 4: psychoanalysis of Justin Coilson and his desire to do all
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  Speaker 4: things all the time, what we want to do is
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  Speaker 4: talk to about how we can create more margin in
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  Speaker 4: our lives.
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  Speaker 1: We'll do that right after the brain It's the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
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  Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
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  Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
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  Speaker 5: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
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  Speaker 5: dot com dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast. The podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and today doctor
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  Speaker 2: Justin is looking for answers to create more margin in
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  Speaker 2: his life.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I clearly have no idea how to create breathing space.
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  Speaker 4: My life motto, like I said, is always bought up
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  Speaker 4: more than you can chew. And just to put this
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  Speaker 4: into context, if you look at my bedside table, there
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  Speaker 4: are how many books would you say are currently on
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  Speaker 4: my bedside table?
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  Speaker 2: Oh, you have a bookshelf for a bedside table. I
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  Speaker 2: actually need to buy you a bookshelf because the bedside table,
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  Speaker 2: the poor thing, is weighed down by piles, and the
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  Speaker 2: most piles spill over onto the carpet because you can't
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  Speaker 2: possibly fit them all. I think at the moment you
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  Speaker 2: would have no less than thirty books at the same
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  Speaker 2: time being at your bedside.
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  Speaker 4: At the same time, we're trying to binge watch a
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  Speaker 4: new Netflix series that we've really enjoyed, and we can't.
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  Speaker 2: Do it once a week like the old days when
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  Speaker 2: you used to watch it come out.
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  Speaker 3: It makes me feel really bad.
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  Speaker 2: Here Netflix is there so you can and you can
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  Speaker 2: you know, watch it when you and you know watch
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  Speaker 2: it when you want.
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  Speaker 3: That's right. I have no restraint. I have no restraint.
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  Speaker 4: When the Tour de France is on, I become night
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  Speaker 4: guy and I'll stay up until two o'clock watching the
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  Speaker 4: Tour de France, and then I expect to get up
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  Speaker 4: four hours later.
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  Speaker 3: And function. Are you sure you.
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  Speaker 2: Didn't have a conversation with Jerry before he did that skit?
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure he's talking about you, all right?
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  Speaker 4: So how do we create margin missus happy families? Because
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  Speaker 4: clearly it's not my strength.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I think there's three things that will really really
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  Speaker 2: make a difference for you, if you'll listen.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm on the couch.
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  Speaker 2: The first one is intention, and I think it's just
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  Speaker 2: so important that we actually work out what our intention is.
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  Speaker 2: What are we actually hoping to get out of life?
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  Speaker 4: If everything, literally I want to get everything out of life.
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  Speaker 2: We can't be good at everything and we can't do everything,
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  Speaker 2: So what are the things that are most important? And
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  Speaker 2: that kind of I guess leads into the second part.
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  Speaker 4: Hang on, I just want to I want to drill
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  Speaker 4: down on this for a second, because as much as
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  Speaker 4: I've joked around, we have as a couple been breathtakingly
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  Speaker 4: intentional over the years, as we've tried to refine that
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  Speaker 4: concept of what are the things that matter most. There's
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  Speaker 4: a quote from Steve and Urcovey in his book Seven
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  Speaker 4: Habits of Highly Effective People where he says, the things
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  Speaker 4: that matter most must never be at the mercy of
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  Speaker 4: the things which matter least.
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  Speaker 2: I love that, and I love it because it's so
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  Speaker 2: easy for us to get caught up in the thick
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  Speaker 2: of thin things. We literally kind of get so caught
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  Speaker 2: up in all of these urgent disasters.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, or just the need to watch Netflix. I'm sitting
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  Speaker 4: here nursing and Netflix hangover right now.
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  Speaker 3: That's the truth of it.
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  Speaker 4: We shouldn't have stayed up late last night watching that show,
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  Speaker 4: and now I've got.
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  Speaker 3: A headache for it.
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  Speaker 4: But I was acting without intention. I wasn't keeping the
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  Speaker 4: main thing the main thing, and that's the main thing
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  Speaker 4: watching Netflix. No keeping the main thing the main thing.
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  Speaker 4: That's the main thing is to keep the main thing
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  Speaker 4: the main thing. So have intentional I actually know what
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  Speaker 4: the main thing is and then live according to it.
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  Speaker 4: This is actually a really great wake up call, and
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  Speaker 4: I think that we do need to change the way
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  Speaker 4: we're doing some things.
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  Speaker 3: And the fact that I'm trying to do it all.
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  Speaker 2: So intention it's all about self control, right, It's all
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  Speaker 2: about discipline, It's all about recognizing where you're headed and
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  Speaker 2: what you need to do to get there. And that
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  Speaker 2: really leads in nicely to point number two, which is
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  Speaker 2: to plan our big rocks. You know, what are the
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  Speaker 2: things that are most important for us to achieve and
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  Speaker 2: they need to go in first before we add in
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  Speaker 2: all the extra stuff, like you know, I'm biding friends
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  Speaker 2: over for dinner on Saturday night.
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  Speaker 3: Right, So, but get clear on your priorities.
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  Speaker 4: In other words, if sleep, getting enough sleep is a priority,
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  Speaker 4: and I can't emphasize this, enough sleep is not a
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  Speaker 4: luxury item as a parent, you don't.
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  Speaker 2: We talked about this last Thursday. But don't get enough sleep?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's right, but it's not a luxury item, and
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  Speaker 4: the good quality sleep that you need should not be
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  Speaker 4: at the mercy of a Netflix series. Watch Netflix on
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  Speaker 4: a day where you actually do have the capacity in
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  Speaker 4: the time to do it.
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  Speaker 2: I think I'm putting this episode on a repeat, right.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, So.
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  Speaker 4: Priority priorities, prioritize Both of those woods combined tell us
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  Speaker 4: that once we've got our intention set, we've actually got
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  Speaker 4: to live it. What are our big rocks. What do
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  Speaker 4: we put into the diary every single week? What do
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  Speaker 4: we maintain so that our family functions? Well, this could
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  Speaker 4: be instructive for anybody who's sort of feeling a bit
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  Speaker 4: out of control.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we have a family meeting every morning so that
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  Speaker 2: we can help set our intention for the day. We
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  Speaker 2: check in with the kids, we find out what needs
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  Speaker 2: to be done, so we've got all of those I
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  Speaker 2: guess logistics planned out throughout the day.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and we also spend time focused on a specific
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  Speaker 4: value or a specific teaching or principle that we want
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  Speaker 4: the children to have emphasized and to really encourage them
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  Speaker 4: to live good lives.
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  Speaker 2: And I think the other thing that's really important is
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  Speaker 2: we're really intentional about sitting down to have dinner together
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  Speaker 2: at the end of the day. So we start our
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  Speaker 2: day together and we end our day together. As much
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: as it's possible. Now that we have teenage girls who.
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: Have social lives, we try and plan a date night
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  Speaker 4: each week. We lock in super Saturday so that the
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  Speaker 4: kids know early in the week this Saturday morning for
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  Speaker 4: the two hours, this low cost or no cost activity
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  Speaker 4: where we're together as a family. We've got that locked
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  Speaker 4: in I go for a run with a couple of
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  Speaker 4: the kids on a couple of the mornings each week.
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  Speaker 4: We lock in our exercise, so we actually make sure
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  Speaker 4: that we put these big rocks in so that the
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  Speaker 4: daddy daughter dates happen, or the quality time between you
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  Speaker 4: and I happen. That stuff has to happen, and everything
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  Speaker 4: else fits in around that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. The last one is learning to say no. And
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  Speaker 2: it's so funny because our tiny little toddler's known the
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  Speaker 2: word no.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: As we get older, we have a hard time saying no.
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  Speaker 2: So if we're looking to create margin our lives, we
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  Speaker 2: need to kind of, I guess, go through those filters
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  Speaker 2: of what are our big rocks, what is our intention?
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  Speaker 2: What's the things that are most important for us as
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  Speaker 2: a family to flourish and grow together and happiness. That's
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  Speaker 2: our whole plan, right, we want a happy family. We
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  Speaker 2: need to learn to be able to recognize when something
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  Speaker 2: doesn't fit the mold and say no.
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  Speaker 4: I feel like you've actually constructed this podcast to teach
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  Speaker 4: me a lesson. I mean, I'm just saying so the
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  Speaker 4: best way for you to get me to say no
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  Speaker 4: is to actually put something in my diary so that
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  Speaker 4: I have to say no, and you could put in
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  Speaker 4: family time from this time to that time on a Saturday,
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: and all of a sudden, we know we can't have
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: friends over because we've got something in the diary.
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  Speaker 2: Well, in your defense, I love having friends over, but
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  Speaker 2: when we get to Saturday night, I'm so tired.
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  Speaker 4: I really like that though saying no means saying no
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  Speaker 4: to Netflix, or it means saying no to whatever it
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  Speaker 4: is that's not aligned with our priorities, not aligned with
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: our intention.
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  Speaker 3: Really really great tips and it came from you, missus
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Happy Families. Thank you.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: You're welcome.
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love it if you'd
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: leave a rating and review wherever you listen to your podcasts.
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: We really appreciate the five star ratings and the reviews
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: that you send through They help other people to find
• 12:59
  Speaker 4: out about it podcast and make their family happier. Justin
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: Ruland is our producer. We appreciate him and the great
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: work that he does from Bridge Media are and making
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: the podcast sound great. Our executive producer is Craig Bruce.
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: If you'd like more information about making your family happier,
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: you can get it at happy Families dot com, dot au,