Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Advice From the Other Side of Divorce - 20 Things my Divorced Clients Want You to Know

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Advice From the Other Side of Divorce - 20 Things my Divorced Clients Want You to Know · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartmann, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to share some client stories or snippets, I suppose, 20 things my divorced clients, my divorce coaching clients, want you to know.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the first thing they want you to know from the other side of divorce is that when you're there, you get to choose.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Even before you get there, you get to choose.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: What divorce gives you, along with a lovely dose of fear and a good old slug of pain and overwhelm and all the things, but what divorce gives you as well as all of that is choice.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Choice to go forward or stay where you are, choice to move forward or stay stuck.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Choice to live a full, happy, wholehearted life, however that looks for you.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Choice to a certain extent.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Choice over where you live, how and where you work.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Choice over the really simple things like how you decorate your home, the food you cook, or the food you don't cook, the food you eat, where you spend your holidays, how you spend your leisure time, choice over what you do on the weekend.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Want to lie on the couch all weekend in your PJs and watch Netflix?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose that.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: No guilt, no shame, no one else to think about, no one else to consider.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to hike that trail you've always tried to get your ex to join you in hiking.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a movie you want to watch, whatever it is, you can choose.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's also your choice to reclaim your happiness, choice to learn what or relearn what makes you happy, choice to not just survive but to thrive, and choice to focus on you, your growth, your happiness, your life.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Simply you.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing that my clients want you to know is that you can breathe again.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can exhale, you can breathe.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Many of my clients feel like they've spent a really long time, years, doing all the work, trying to fix the relationship, trying to save the marriage, trying to change or fix themselves or each other.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, for many of them, their breakup was long and drawn out and excruciating, and they've tried everything to save and salvage the marriage or the relationship, and that is exhausting.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when they finally make or made the decision to divorce, there was a sense of relief and release.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: There's a freedom to exhale all you've been holding.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Exhale to relax, and and you have the opportunity to stop feeling that frustration and disappointment that you've felt and held and carried on a daily basis, and there's this refreshing kind of clarity and relief, and many of them say, I didn't realise I was holding so tightly, and I feel like I can breathe again.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing that my divorced clients want you to know is that you need a team, you need more than just a lawyer.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've listened to a few podcast episodes, if you've hung around with me on socials, then you know that I'm a big one for building a team, both paid and unpaid, professional professionals, I'm sorry, who are specialists in their field, in family law, financial advisors who specialise in divorce and property settlement and smart ways of dividing your assets, therapists and, of course, coaches.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You need to cover off all the bases, not just the legal aspects.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: A lawyer is a specialist in law and not necessarily the best person equipped to support you to communicate with your ex or co-parent with them afterwards or to listen to you unpack all the terrible things he or she has done or said.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: You'll need more than a lawyer to get you through, and it's important to utilize each of your team to do what they're best at, to rely on what they are specialists in, and to rely on others for what they're not a specialist in, i.e., you need more than a lawyer, don't rely on your lawyer for everything.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, number four thing is it's scary and it's normal to feel afraid.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's normal to feel fear.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Getting divorced is something you've not likely done before.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, as something new, unknown, the process of divorce itself is frightening.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Not having control over how your ex-partner is going to behave is frightening.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Concern about your future can be can be frightening.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It can bring up fear.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Money, dividing assets, changing the way you work can all be incredibly scary.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: The impact it will have on your kids is a big source of stress and brings up fear for so many.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: My clients who are through the other side want you to know that it will be scary.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it's going to be scary.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's normal for you to feel fear.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And education, support, and empowering yourself with information is key to offsetting the fear so you don't become paralyzed by it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Coaching, of course, is one way you can ease your way through the fear.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there, I've done that personally, and I've helped so many others through it.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know what's coming your way, and we can unpack your fears together, find answers to what you don't know, and keep you gently moving forward.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: The fear is normal, but you don't need to let it paralyze you, and you don't need to face it by yourself.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I go back to point number three.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You need more than a lawyer, you need a team, and your team can help you move through your fears, face them, and keep going forward.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, allow all of your emotions.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Allow the sadness, the grief, the rage, the relief, the happiness, the fear, whatever it is.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome all of the feelings and allow yourself to feel all of them.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I also encourage my clients to feel the big feelings all the way to the end, to not repress or push away or minimize the big feelings that are so often labelled as in inverted, commas bad anger, sadness, rage, grief.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell yourself to get over it, but feel the feeling right through to the end.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the power of that feeling, the power that it has over you, the power of the big emotion is eased and reduced, and you can start healing.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: My divorce clients want you to know that if you allow all your emotions, all of them, and feel them through to the end, it is a step towards your healing.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, after divorce, there are new rules.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: When you live with another human, there's always compromises.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships have rules, and sometimes they are rules that we choose, and sometimes they're not.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: After divorce, you get to create new rules and break the old ones.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy in a long-term relationship to just accept the way you navigate life together.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: It comes incrementally.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You make choices and decisions day by day, and sometimes you even forget that there are other ways of moving through life, other ways of doing life of living.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You may not realize how familiar patterns and behaviours and ways of doing things have actually trapped you or made you fit into a box that you didn't necessarily choose.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: So divorce, breakup, life afterwards, reorganizing life afterwards, reclaiming yourself afterwards gives you the opportunity to set new rules, to set the rules.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: The eighth thing I want to share with you from my clients is that telling the story has power.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Telling your story has power.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: It has power to help you process what's what's happened, it has the power to help you step towards healing, and it also has the power to keep you stuck.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Continuing to go over and over and retell your divorce story can keep you trapped in the story, in victimhood.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can be really tempting to tell it over and over, looking for sympathy, even subconsciously, looking for solidarity, especially if it was not a choice you actively made or if there's been a betrayal, but continuing to retell the story over and over at infinitum can actually keep you stuck in that story, stuck in the big emotions rather than shifting your focus forward to healing and a new, albeit different life than what you had planned.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: So while telling your story has power to help you process and step you towards healing, continuing to tell it can also keep you stuck.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: The ninth thing I want to share is a little bit like um build your team, it takes a team or it takes more than a lawyer, but it's more than that.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It is choose your crew, know who you can safely unload to and who you need to be wary of.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Friends, family members, work colleagues might seem like really convenient shoulders to cry on or lean on, and they might also reshare what you tell them.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So do choose your support crew wisely.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it tight, keep it in the vault, keep it to a handful of closely chosen confidants.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Also, remember that friends and family are not experts in family law, they're not experts in divorce, they're not experts in psychology, they're not experts in healing.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: They are not your therapist, your divorce coach, or your lawyer, and even well-intentioned, they will give you advice, of course, based on their lived experience, on their story or someone else's, not necessarily yours.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that advice may not be in your best or highest interest.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take divorce advice from someone just because they've been through it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Choose trusted advisors, both paid and unpaid, and choose professionals whose values align with your own.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So choose your crew.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Choose who you surround yourself with and choose where you share and with whom.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10, how you divorce impacts your kids.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: How you divorce impacts your kids.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is not your divorce per se that will impact them most.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's how you do it as parents that has the greatest impact on your kids.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's how you handle the conflict and the negotiation, how you communicate as parents, and how much of all of that you expose your kids to that has the greatest impact.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So even if your ex is not doing this, even if your ex is not choosing to do this, you choosing to keep your kids shielded from as much of it as you can is important and is supportive of them.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping your communication calm and respectful, finding ways to dial down your activation and triggering.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's if there has been a betrayal, uh, an infidelity or a financial betrayal, whatever that looks like, keeping that between you, your ex and your coach or therapist and allowing the kids to not feel that there's a good cop, bad cop situation and that they have to choose between you is really important for your kids.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And before we dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I just want to remind you that there's always an opportunity to deepen this conversation one-on-one with me in a free introductory call to discuss coaching options.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: There are also payment plans available if access to financial resources is tricky for you at the moment with really discrete invoicing options that we can also discuss on a call.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out, I would love to support you.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to the episode.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing, number 11, that my clients want you to know.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You will lose things.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you will lose money.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you might lose the house.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you might lose the dog, but you'll also lose friends or people who you thought were your friends.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: People will feel torn and they like they likely will feel they need to choose a side.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you will lose connection, relationships more than just your intimate partner connection with this other human being.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: You will lose friends, you will leave lose relationships with extended family.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You'll also lose the happy ever after you thought you'd live or you hoped you'd have.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Number 13.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Money matters.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody who's been through divorce wants you to know that money matters, although, in some ways, it matters less than you think.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: You need your own money.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: As I will always say, if you don't have a job, get a job.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to, if if you've got a job and you need to get a better job, get a better job.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to get more work, if you're only part-time, figure out how you will generate your own income.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Open your own bank account.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: You get to call the money shots now, and yes, there might be less, but there's also more.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your household income may be less, but so perhaps are your outgoings.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And all the arguments or communication problems about money and spending are gone.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, there's less, but there's also more, there's more freedom.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can breathe out about money too.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's more choice.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose how and where and when and if that money is spent.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So money matters, although some ways it matters less than you think it's going to.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not to minimize the very real lived experience and reality of some of you, that it's going to be tough financially.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there are plenty of other podcast episodes that I've recorded about the money stuff, but the message from post-divorce, the message from clients is that yes, money matters, and in some ways it matters less than you think.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: The other part of that, number 14, is clarity.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Get clarity, get financially savvy.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you if this has not been one of your things to date, now is the time to make it your thing.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: So now is the time, regardless of where you're at, now is the time to get clear on money.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Get clear on what you owe, what you own, get fully informed and fully clear before you make any financial decisions.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: So committing to up commit to upping your financial literacy.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Learn about protecting and growing money, learn about what it costs you to live your life and fund the lifestyle you want for yourself going forward.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Build your financial literacy and your financial confidence, and your general confidence will soar.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's empowering to know that whatever your financial state, it's all yours, and you've got full clarity, it's yours and yours alone.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, of course, that's scary as hell, but it's also really liberating, freeing.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing that my beautiful divorce clients want you to know is that Google doesn't know all the answers.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: In the early phases, when you're considering leaving, or you've just had the bombshell dropped that your partner's out, it's likely you will go down endless rabbit holes of Googling and searching for advice and answers.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And while Google or TikTok or Instagram or even this podcast is fine, at some point you will need to get specific advice about your personal situation and your unique circumstances.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Advice about your family from experts who deal in divorce, and that is legal, financial experts, a coach, a therapist, whatever it is you need.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Google will not give you all of the answers.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: You need people on your team, build your crew.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Googling, searching can be really useful, it can help you, and it can be completely overwhelming, and it can actually keep you stuck in paralysis.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: So build your team, reach out to the people that you know you need to connect with.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing I want to share with you is focus on the future.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Have a clear idea about how you want your life to look and feel.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I work with the I work with every client on this, and this is where we start.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking not just at the end of your divorce, not just the end of your settlement and your family law matter, but five, ten, twenty years down the track.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want that to look and feel for you?
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Keep that in your vision and make decisions and choices that lead you closer to that future you want to create for yourself.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: So focus on the future.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Define what that looks for you, and define how that looks for you, I'm sorry, and make your decisions in a way that you are stepping closer to it.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Number 17 thing divorced clients want you to know that if you have kids, you are bound together forever.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: You are bound together by your kids, and you will be in some form of relationship with your ex-partner for the rest of your life.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want that relationship to feel?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can't choose how they show up, how your ex shows up or engages or interacts with you.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can't choose how they behave, but you can choose how you communicate, how you show up, how you engage and interact.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose your reactions and responses even if they are making things difficult or being challenging, even if they have been toxic and even abusive.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: You now have a choice about how you engage and interact, and that might mean total distance and a parallel parenting model because that's your best, safest, healthiest option, or it might be more collaborative.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: But divorce does not mean the end of your relationship with this person if you have children together, you are bound together by your kids, and you get to choose how you interact with that person, you are in control.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: Number 18, you get to date again, and this time, number one, you know what you're doing, and number two, you know what you want, and number three, you know exactly what you don't want.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: When you've done your work, when you've healed your wounds, dating gets to be fun and exciting, and you, as a more mature, experienced, healed version of yourself, get to do it your way on your terms and with your healed healthy boundaries.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for so many of my clients, what we end up working on is.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is self-confidence and empowerment and owning yourself, owning your own worth.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that when they do step out into the dating world again, they're not bothered.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're not bothered so much if someone doesn't like them or someone says no thanks.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't say yes automatically.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need anyone to complete them.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: They are complete and healed and whole just as they are.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: They're happy flying solo, and they and that I guess that's the message that that they want that they would want to share with you is yes, you get to date again, yes, you get to create a relationship again, but you don't need one if that's what you choose.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: It is an added bonus to find another human to spend time with, and dating gets to be fun.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, leading on from that, number 19 thing they want you to know is that sex is better.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just the same as for dating.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: You aren't afraid to go after, ask for, create what you want when it comes to sex, and you're definitely not bored of the same old, same old having been in a relationship for years and years.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're not bored.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a no strings attached variety of sex, and it can be really freeing to step outside of the boundaries and habits of sex with the same person over a long-term relationship.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's freeing and it's exciting and it gets to be fun.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sex is better than look, sex is better after divorce.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: The novelty makes sex exciting again, and being an older, wiser version of yourself, you can bring more of your self-confidence to your sexual play and pleasure.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sex is better after divorce.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the last thing we all want you to know from the other side of divorce, the last thing my divorce clients want you to know is that good things are waiting for you.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's messy and it's painful and it's scary and it's hard, that there's loss and grief and big emotions and all the feelings, all the things.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: And and I also know when you face the hard stuff, when you move through all the hard stuff, the pain, the grief, the anger, the fear, what's waiting for you is worth it.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: When you get through from where you are to the other side, you are capable of almost anything, and there are good things waiting for you.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: There are great experiences, there are great connections, there are great moments in life, there are great relationships, good things are waiting for you, and we all want you to know that on the other side there is good stuff, it's worth going through the fire and reclaiming yourself and liberating yourself for a life that you have designed and you have chosen.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate your time.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something from our messages from the other side of divorce.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who's sitting in that discomfort, in that overwhelm of should I stay, should I go, who's worried about what it might look and feel like, please share this episode with them because there really are good things waiting for you.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.