Latest / Beautifully Complex / 349: Tracking & Maintaining Progress, with Caroline Fitsimones

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349: Tracking & Maintaining Progress, with Caroline Fitsimones · Beautifully Complex

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Having the backup plan so that you can give yourselves
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: grace knowing that you're human. But also life happens, and
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: so there's things that are out of our control, but
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: still setting the intention to choose what we do have
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: control over, which is our mindset, how we show up,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: and how we choose to also experience and perceive our child.
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  Speaker 1: We know that at any moment, we're all doing the
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  Speaker 1: best we can with the skills we have, including our
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: child and ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
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  Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
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  Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
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  Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back, everyone, I
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: am so I'm glad that you are here and you
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  Speaker 2: are listening. Today. I have with me Caroline Fitzsimmons, who
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  Speaker 2: is an ADHD parenting coach and an occupational therapist, and
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  Speaker 2: we're going to talk about tracking and maintaining progress, which
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  Speaker 2: I think sounds overwhelming and difficult, and Caroline is going
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  Speaker 2: to help us to really break that down, and we're
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  Speaker 2: going to talk about why we need to do it,
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  Speaker 2: why we would want to do it, and then what
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  Speaker 2: it looks like stop by step, how do we do this,
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  Speaker 2: and how do we then take that information to make improvements.
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  Speaker 2: So Caroline, will you start by letting everybody know who
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  Speaker 2: you are and what you do?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, thank you Penny for having me, of course. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: I'm Carolin Fitzimmons and I have been a pediatric occupacial
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  Speaker 1: therapist for twenty one years now, and I will say
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  Speaker 1: my biggest learning experience and application has been after having kids,
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  Speaker 1: one of them being new or divergent. And this is
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  Speaker 1: where the rubber hit the road and I really had
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  Speaker 1: to take inventory of what I thought I knew and
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  Speaker 1: what I really didn't know. And so it's been such
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  Speaker 1: a wonderful learning experience filled with heartache in humor, and
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  Speaker 1: just after having been through that lived experience myself, I
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  Speaker 1: just have a whole new compassion and empathy for parents
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  Speaker 1: that I work with. And so yes, a lot of
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  Speaker 1: what I do now is much more realistic, the expectations
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  Speaker 1: are more realistic. For families in general, and there's just
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  Speaker 1: so many hardships that were navigating anyway, and so it's
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  Speaker 1: something that's much more doable for parents and more supportive
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  Speaker 1: in just my approach in general.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I hear parents so often say nothing is working.
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  Speaker 2: And I remember the days that I would tell everyone
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  Speaker 2: in my kid's orbit, nothing is working, and typically they
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  Speaker 2: would say, well, be specific, tell me what it is, specifically,
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  Speaker 2: tell me when it happens. And I learned that I
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  Speaker 2: had to take notes, I had to really in on
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  Speaker 2: specifics of what was working, what wasn't working, so that
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  Speaker 2: it would be helpful. And I, you know, over time,
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  Speaker 2: learned that our brains are wired to focus on the
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  Speaker 2: negative to keep us safe. And so that was why
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  Speaker 2: by the time I got to a monthly appointment, I
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  Speaker 2: felt like everything was crumbling. So I think intention here
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  Speaker 2: is super important. Why else do we want to look
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  Speaker 2: at tracking and maintaining progress such.
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  Speaker 1: A good example, And I'll I'll back up a little
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  Speaker 1: bit as far as in the clinical setting prots, we
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  Speaker 1: have to set goals and otherwise we're not working towards
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  Speaker 1: anything measurable and we're sort of just kind of shooting
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  Speaker 1: in the dark. So setting goals gives us a vision
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  Speaker 1: to work towards, and then in between, Let's say I
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  Speaker 1: evaluate a child, set goals, and then twelve months later
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  Speaker 1: I reevaluate him. Now I have a baseline. And so
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  Speaker 1: setting goals is not to set us up for failure,
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  Speaker 1: but it is to give us something to track. And
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  Speaker 1: so when we're off base, we get to course correct
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  Speaker 1: and pivot instead of pounding your head against the wall
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  Speaker 1: and saying, why is it working? But every hiccup, every
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  Speaker 1: quote unquote failure is data, just like you were saying,
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  Speaker 1: you get to track it and pivot and notice, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: we have found all the ways that don't work. Now
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  Speaker 1: we get to try different ways that do work. And
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  Speaker 1: oftentimes that means we need to think out of the
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  Speaker 1: box and do something very differently in a way we
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  Speaker 1: probably would have tried before.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think the whole game for parenting neurodivergent kids
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  Speaker 2: is about pivoting. It's about analyzing, being aware, and then
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  Speaker 2: pivoting because we have to do it differently for our
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  Speaker 2: kids so many things, but also because things change from
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  Speaker 2: day to day, from age and stage to the next
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  Speaker 2: agent stage, and so I think it's so important to
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  Speaker 2: focus on the fact that we're not looking for that
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  Speaker 2: one thing. We're going to keep following the trajectory. We're
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  Speaker 2: going to keep assessing. Does that make sense?
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely, And we're practicing in real life, in real time,
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  Speaker 1: exactly what we want to teach them, which is cognitive flexibility.
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  Speaker 1: If this doesn't work, a shift and there's nothing wrong
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  Speaker 1: with that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that flexibility. It's a hard thing to come by sometimes,
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  Speaker 2: so I love that. That also really teaches that too.
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  Speaker 2: So you have a six step process for this. Are
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  Speaker 2: you ready to dive into that? Anything we need to
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  Speaker 2: know before that's it?
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  Speaker 1: And yes, I'm definitely ready to dive in.
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  Speaker 2: Let's talk about step one then.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so this is where we are vision casting, and
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  Speaker 1: this is where we get to dream as big as
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  Speaker 1: we want to. There's no right or wrong, and it
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  Speaker 1: could be more broad level. So when we're vision casting,
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  Speaker 1: think about a puzzle we're putting together. We're usually starting
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  Speaker 1: off with the corner pieces, the edges, and then we're
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  Speaker 1: just sort of setting it out and it gives us
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  Speaker 1: a foundation for where we want to go. So vision
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  Speaker 1: casting might be for our family, for example, having more
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  Speaker 1: peace and joy and trust and freedom as a whole
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  Speaker 1: and having that felt sense of safety on a daily basis.
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  Speaker 2: And this can be.
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  Speaker 1: Hard for some families who only know chaos and survival mode.
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  Speaker 1: I've been there, and so anything outside of their day
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  Speaker 1: to day life may seem unreachable. But so what we're
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  Speaker 1: doing here is we're writing it out without having any
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  Speaker 1: sense of is this achievable or not. We're just writing
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  Speaker 1: down our goals and what success would look like for us,
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  Speaker 1: for our family, for our kids. It could be, for example,
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  Speaker 1: for our kids to be creative problem solvers. So these
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  Speaker 1: are just in general, what we desire for our family
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  Speaker 1: as a whole, what we desire for ourselves as parents,
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  Speaker 1: and what we desire for our children.
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  Speaker 2: So it's more general than goals.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, okay, and the next steps we will get to
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  Speaker 1: more specific goals. But starting off with a vision gives
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  Speaker 1: us a sense of direction, sort of like a compass
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  Speaker 1: want to go.
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  Speaker 2: A feeling m I was like, how do we want
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  Speaker 2: to feel.
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  Speaker 1: Exactly and where we sit in that, the more it
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  Speaker 1: gives us clarity. So that's the other part of sort
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  Speaker 1: of vision casting. We're reverse engineering and seeing what we
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  Speaker 1: want and working backwards on that. Yeah, and step two
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  Speaker 1: would be this is where we are working on the
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  Speaker 1: next system, which is ourselves as the family dynamic. So
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  Speaker 1: we're building a culture. So step two is build the
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  Speaker 1: family culture. And again, if you think about the hierarchy,
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  Speaker 1: we the family, we are our child's environment. So when
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  Speaker 1: we again looking at the lens from the lens of
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  Speaker 1: O T, we work very holistically. We're looking at the
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  Speaker 1: individual as a whole and what impacts them is their environment,
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  Speaker 1: which is that's the parents for you. And so when
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  Speaker 1: we work on our family also as the environment, that
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  Speaker 1: sort of starts to feel in the puzzle again from
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  Speaker 1: the outside in. So building a family culture may look
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  Speaker 1: like building gratitude, and this sounds so SIMI and I
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  Speaker 1: know this encouragement is heard in every field, but it
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  Speaker 1: just makes such a difference. When we are modeling gratitude,
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  Speaker 1: we're modeling resilience. We're modeling how we choose to meet
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  Speaker 1: the challenge ahead of us. We're modeling coping skills. We're
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  Speaker 1: also choosing connections with our kids. So something that I
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  Speaker 1: have learned, let's say for myself, is we all have
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  Speaker 1: our fight or flight flee tendencies. For me, when I
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  Speaker 1: get highly stressed out, I emotionally leave the room, I
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  Speaker 1: check out. So I'm there with my kids, but I'm
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  Speaker 1: not there emotionally. But when I get to practice gratitude,
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  Speaker 1: I'm bringing myself to the present, the here and now.
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  Speaker 1: And when my kids see that, they see that this
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  Speaker 1: is capable for my mom, so it must be capable
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  Speaker 1: for me too. And so of course that's seeds planted
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  Speaker 1: over time that takes root. But yes, gratitude is such
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  Speaker 1: a huge one for building a family culture or in
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  Speaker 1: this together and we can choose to find joy even
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  Speaker 1: in the hardship.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when we create a rhythm around that, I
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  Speaker 2: think it really helps our nervous systems to feel more
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  Speaker 2: steady and safe and secure. And it also provides I
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  Speaker 2: think a sense of predictability that a lot of our
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  Speaker 2: kids struggle with. You know, when things are unpredictable, it
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  Speaker 2: really dysregulates them or it makes things harder for them.
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  Speaker 2: And so we talk a lot about family culture and
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  Speaker 2: family traditions or you know, things that we do and
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  Speaker 2: even as simple as like taco Tuesday or pizza on Friday,
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  Speaker 2: it's like something that's just part of that rhythm and
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  Speaker 2: flow that our kids can look forward to. Works for
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  Speaker 2: that too.
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  Speaker 1: Right exactly exactly, and I was going to touch on that,
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  Speaker 1: and so, yes, these are part of our systems. So
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  Speaker 1: it's not just relational, which it is a big part of,
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  Speaker 1: but it's also environmental. What is our environmental family culture.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to give some goals for each step, like
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  Speaker 1: some examples. So for the family culture goal, one of
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  Speaker 1: mine was I'm going to track the calendar every day
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  Speaker 1: with my child. And so this is where every morning
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  Speaker 1: we're already sitting down to eat breakfast, the calendars right
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  Speaker 1: there on the fridge along with our to do list.
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  Speaker 1: It takes two minutes to go over it with them
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  Speaker 1: while we eat. And so what this does, just like
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  Speaker 1: you said, was it builds a rhythm of predictability and
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  Speaker 1: is teaching them the long term skill of executive function,
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  Speaker 1: skill of planning and future thinking and even planning their
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  Speaker 1: own calendar one day. So we're modeling those in real
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  Speaker 1: time and we're setting up a system of predictability and
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  Speaker 1: felt sense of safety when you know what's coming next.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so good.
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  Speaker 1: And a relational goal might look like having a daily
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  Speaker 1: connection time of five minutes with each of my kids.
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  Speaker 1: And this means one on one face to FaceTime. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not correcting, commanding, expecting anything, but we're just there together.
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  Speaker 2: No teaching, no judgment right during that time. Yes, what's next?
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  Speaker 1: All right, let's see. Step three would be as focusing
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  Speaker 1: on us as the parents. We're strengthening ourselves as the parent.
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  Speaker 1: So that's the next hierarchy there, and this is where
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  Speaker 1: we're looking at accountability. How are we tracking our goals?
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes it could be checking off on the calendar each
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  Speaker 1: day that I spend make sure I'm spending time with
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  Speaker 1: my kids those five minutes of daily connection time. Once
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  Speaker 1: I have that check mark, now I have a chain
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  Speaker 1: that I can visualize and see. I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: break that chain. I've been doing so well for so
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  Speaker 1: many days. So it could be simple as that, or
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  Speaker 1: it could be accountability in the sense of who are
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  Speaker 1: you hanging around with, who are you talking to? That
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  Speaker 1: is your support system. I heard quote one time that
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  Speaker 1: someone says, I wouldn't take criticism from someone I wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: take advice from. So who do you admire as far
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  Speaker 1: as being a parent in themselves? They do? They have
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  Speaker 1: the same values as you do. Do they have the
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  Speaker 1: same methodology that you do and that you want to
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  Speaker 1: refine those skills with so in those sense of accountability, Yes,
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  Speaker 1: they could be a friend, a spouse, an online community,
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  Speaker 1: any of those things where you can seek support.
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  Speaker 2: And why is it so important for us to also
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  Speaker 2: think about ourselves? Because we're taught that to be a
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  Speaker 2: good parent, we sacrifice ourselves. So why is strengthening ourselves
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  Speaker 2: part of this process?
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  Speaker 1: I could give one hundred reasons, but I will say
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: we are humans, just like our children, and at some
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: point willpower will fail us because our energy reserves will
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: become depleted. Whenever challenges arise, there is a sense of stress,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: and we all experience stress, that's a normal thing, but
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: when it's outside of our window of tolerance, we can
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: deal with the stress in a very unhealthy way, which
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  Speaker 1: not only further depletes us, but then it bleeds over
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: to our kids where we're not able to show up
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  Speaker 1: the way they need. If we're disregulated, they will be dysregulated.
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  Speaker 1: The more regulated we are, the more we will be
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  Speaker 1: able to lend our kids our calmer nervous systems. I
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: don't say calm, because we're not always one hundred percent calm,
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  Speaker 1: but we will be able to slowly bring them into
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  Speaker 1: regulation as we are regulated ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I often use the word steadiness instead of calm,
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  Speaker 2: because sometimes we can be regulated and not at all calm,
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  Speaker 2: and so yeah, more like study stable.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely, And it's great when you can even model how
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  Speaker 1: you're regulating yourselves and you're using declarative language or reflective language,
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  Speaker 1: and even I call it living out loud. You're stating
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: your internal sensations out loud for your kids to see,
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  Speaker 1: because now you're building their language, but also you're normalizing
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  Speaker 1: regulation and disregulation and feelings. We all experience regulation, this regulation,
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: and that can be so powerful in itself. And my kids,
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  Speaker 1: I sometimes I hear them talking and I guess think
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  Speaker 1: to myself, wow, that's so much emotional maturity for a
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  Speaker 1: childhood age, just because they've been exposed to that language.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Just the other day, my youngest, he was six, He goes, Mom,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: you seem really overwhelmed right now. I was just curious.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I was like, what made you think that? And I
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: must have emotionally left the room because I wasn't even aware.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: But he goes, well, you're talking fast, and your voice
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: is getting a little bit louder, and you're moving around
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: the kitchen really fast, and I said, you know what,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: you are totally right. I think I need to slow
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: down and take a deep breath right now. So I
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: did that in front of him. And again, it's not
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: going to change the world overnight, but you're planting seeds
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: of growth and change for them and modeling again what
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: regulation looks like, and that is normal that we all
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: need to take those measures sometimes.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: M H. I think living out loud is one of
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: the most powerful parenting tools that we have, especially with
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: neurodivergent kids at skill building as well. Like so often
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: the skills that we take for granted that are intuitive
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: for us, we're just sort of vocalizing it and being
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: transparent about what we're going through. It humanizes us and
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: they can pick up a lot of skills that way too,
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  Speaker 2: So I love that that's part of this process.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, they need so much more explicit teaching than
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: we think. Sometimes we sort of assume that it's will
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: just pick up on things. Skills are caught more than
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: they're taught sometimes, but also we do need to be
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: explicit and intentional with what we're modeling and teaching.
• 15:30
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• 15:37
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• 15:41
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• 15:44
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• 16:01
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• 17:03
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• 17:07
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• 17:14
  Speaker 2: let's get back to the episode. So are we on
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: number four?
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: I think yes. So number four has to do with
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: installing systems. This follows up with the environment. So these
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: are where the routines and the visuals come in place.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: And so we have our Like I said, we're talking
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: about our family culture and then ourselves are the parents,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: and then the systems the explicit supports that we have
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: in place. So visuals we talk about so much, and
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: we take it for granted because I'm sure any one
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: of us parents with kids in the school systems who
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: are dealing with accommodations have heard using visuals strategies. But
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: really sometimes we don't make us explicit enough or consistent enough,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: and so and this is where it gets really powerful.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: When we do put those measures in place, and now
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: we're consistent about with it, we get to notice how
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: much support it helps our kids when let's say those
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: supports are removed. So, for example, the other day, I
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: was working with two of my kids back to back
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: and I had forgotten to use my visual schedule and
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: I used to go real fancy and have all these
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: pictures that you would sort through and put on the
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: bellco board. And then I was like, I don't have
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: time for this. I'm I'm also adhd. I don't have
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: time and the patients to look for these pictures to
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: replace ones that are torn up. So I really just
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: simplified it, got a white board and just drew four
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: little checkmark boxes and then four pictures of what we're
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: going to do, or I wrote them out with words
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: if they were older kids. And there were two sessions
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: back to back that I didn't do this, and my
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: kids five minutes into the session said can I make
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: a visual schedule for us? And these were five and
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: six year olds, so they knew, they knew how much
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: structure and support you gave them just to have it
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: nearby to refer to visually, and it wasn't something that
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: would have completely derailed us, but they definitely notice how
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: much it helped them. So again, when we are using
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: something in a very intentional way, we're modeling to our
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: kids in real time for them how to use it
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: one day. So one day they'll be using the list,
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: they'll be using their notepads on their phone or writing
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: it out. Planners organizers. These are all the baby steps
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: to get there.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I love that you brought up baby steps. That's how
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: progress and growth really happened through baby steps. Yeah, sure,
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: what's next?
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: So step five? These are where we get to now
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: look at our kids' skills. So I don't I hate
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: to use the word behavior, but you know, in the
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: most neutral way. Now we're specifically targeting their behaviors and
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: their skills, their skill sets. So I'll give some examples
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: of goals, but just to kind of give some quick tip,
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Like you just said baby steps, not even baby steps
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: by micro steps. What are the steps? What do I
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: want to happen? What are the preceding steps to even
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: get there? So a goal like getting out of the
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: door in thirty minutes in the morning might be way
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: too broad for us. We had to even start with
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: my son will put his shoes on, my son will
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: bring his own backpack into the car, So like we're
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: having to really break down those steps. And if those
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: were hard for him, then we would break them down
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: even more. I would hold your shoes you can and
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: making it as fun and playful as you can. We're
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: gonna piggyback ride to the car and I will hand
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: you your shoes and you can put it in there.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: So just looking at what you can break down into
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: micro steps, how you can build in fun and playfulness
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: into a routine that is not so fun and playful.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: And I know that our capacities are different and we
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: don't always feel playful all the time, but we can
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: always choose a more connected and regulated way if we
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: just pause and take a deep breath and then proceed.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: Can you give us a tea an example too? At
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: some point, I think some parents listening how teens or
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: young adults and would be asking, what does like breaking
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: that down or taking micro stops look like?
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Sure, so one of my parents in the parenting program,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: and I love love when parents give me the examples
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: that work for them. So this was not so much
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: as a breaking it down a micro step and I'll
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: give you one soon. But she noticed that whenever their
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: family dog would sleep in her son's bed, he would
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and wake up quicker.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: And it was so funny because she was just like,
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: I hate washing. Guess she's there's a dog for everywhere.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: And then we really had to talk about you know,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: what are the cost and benefits here for him to
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: go to sleep and stay asleep and get enough sleep
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: which was such a struggle for him, and wake up
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: on time because of you know, having this dog, their
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: family dog with him and helping him co regulate, helping
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: him feel comfortable and safe. All of those were huge wins.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: The trade off was, yes, there's dog for in your bed,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: in his bed, not just looking at the babe stuff,
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: but looking at the supports and having to really think
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: outside of the box too. And so something else that
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: she did for him was they would plan collaboratively what
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: meals that would help him that morning to be motivated,
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: but also to shorten or just simplify their morning routine.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: So during the weekend he would pick out his meals,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: they would meal prep together. It might be a sausage, egg, cheese,
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: saying which or something, and then all he would have
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: to do is heat it up and go in the morning.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: So there's collaborative work on even what does it look
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: like son for us to maybe get out of the
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: house a little bit quicker, or reduce the steps to
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: make it easier. It's not a one and done conversation,
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: but it's like what one thing can we try this week,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: do you think and just trial and erring it sometimes,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: but yes, for them also and also for us. I
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: have early school elementary kids, and we sleep in our clothing,
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: clean clothes at night before and so that cuts out
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: one step in the morning. There's no shame in my game,
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: and it's none in hurts either. Whatever simplifies the process.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: So the micro step is just consolidating your steps, do
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: everything in one room versus three different rooms, eating meals
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: that could be ready to go, and then as they
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: master each step, then you can make more complex meals
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: for example if you want. So, Yes, just simplifying wherever
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: you can.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's great that you mentioned doing a cost
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: benefit analysis of sorts as well, because sometimes I do
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: think that you know, it does take more time, more
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: energy from us as a parent sometimes and sometimes that's
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: just front loading it and later on we get that
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: time back. Yes, but yeah, like sometimes there's trade offs,
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: and the trade offs are better, they're still not ideal, right,
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: like your kid just magically doing things that you need.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: And I think too, like using that cost benefit on
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: things that maybe we're pushing on where the cost is
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: great for our kid, it's not always about the cost
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: benefit for us, right right. I'm really glad you brought
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: that up.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Yep. And again there's cognitive flexibility at play there, you know,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: not tying down one way by being open and managing
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: our own emotions around that. I would rather not have
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: to do extra laundry because of dog fur, but it
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: moves the needle and it helps them feel in power invested.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I love that example. It's a good one.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: And then lastly step six, reflect, assess, debrief. So there's
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: no point in resetting goals if we are not going
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: to go back and assess how we're doing with those goals.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: So this is where we get to close the loop
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: and set up ourselves for opening the loop again. This
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: is where reinforcement happens. So I'll circle back in a
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: minute with some examples, but reflecting, assessing, and debriefing on
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: our broader scale might look like, is this goal still
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: meaningful for us right now? So is the morning am
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: routine the biggest fish to fry right now? Or should
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: I pivot? And also just giving ourselves grace to know
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: when we pivot, it doesn't mean we're failing. It just
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: means we're adjusting. We're making room for us what's more
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: important in the moment, our values, and then we can
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: always circle back, but that consistent reflection even at the
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: end of the day, did things go the way I
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: wanted to? Did I show up as the parents that
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: I wanted to show up? What could I have done differently?
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: Are there any repairs that need to be made? And
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: when there are, did I make the repair in a
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: timely manner? And sometimes we do need to make a
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: really brief repair and then circle back the next day
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: when we're all more regulated. But that kind of reflection
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: is the difference between being intentional and just flying by
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: the seat of our pants. So we feel much more
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: empowered when we can reflect and then assess what can
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: I do differently and let that bring us the next
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: day of starting over and resetting with a much more
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: empowered state of mind.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, it's modeling again. We're modeling that reflection and
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: intentionality for our kids.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Absolutely. And the cool thing is those those six steps.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: The more you do it, it feels so hard, and
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: give yourselves a grace just knowing that human nature is
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: that we can persist for so long and then we
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: gets very very hard that's when the discomfort feels very
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: very great, and it's very tempting to slow down or
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: even give up in those moments. But set the intention
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: of in two or three weeks, when I set a goal,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: I'm probably going to hit that slump. There's a phrase
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: for a value of despair is what it's called. And
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: set yourself up for success with backups and you know
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: this if then statement, if I don't do this, then
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: I can still do this. If I don't make the
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: repair right away, and then I'm going to circle back
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: after so and so, after I just regulate myself with
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: a cup of tea, or if this morning didn't go
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: as planned, then whatever happens next. So just having the
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: backup plan so that you can give yourselves grace knowing
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: that you're human. But also life happens, and so there's
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: things that are out of our control. But still setting
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: the intention to choose what we do have control over,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: which is our mindset, how we show up, and how
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: we choose to also experience and perceive our child. We
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: know that at any moment, we're all doing the best
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: we can with the skills we have, including our child
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: and ourselves.
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is such an important lesson I think for
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: us as adults, as we do get on autopilot, we
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: do get overwhelmed. We are sometimes in survival mode, and intentionality,
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: I think is the way that we can break the
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: cycle and start to move forward towards growth. You're giving
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: us this great process to go through to really make
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: sure that we are on a track for growth, that
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: we're on a path to where we want to go
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: or our kids want to go. And it's so very valuable.
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: It's a good remind for that. Will you tell everybody
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: where they can find you online so that they can
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: learn more from you and potentially work with you.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: Sure, Carolin Fitzsimmons Coaching dot com. The name is still
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: a little bit differently, it's c A r O l
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: I n E last name f I T s I
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: M O n E s coaching dot com. So yes,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: I'll look forward to just hearing from any questions and
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: also thank you again for having me always.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: It's such pleasure. I learned so much from Neo every
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: time that we talk. And I'll link up your website
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: in the show notes at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: com two for everyone to make it super easy for
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: you to find Caroline online and connect in that way.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: Thanks so much for the work that you're doing and
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: for being here. And I thank everybody listening for showing
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: up for your kids as well.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: I'll see everyone next time. Take good care, I see you.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful,
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: share it with someone who needs it and leave a
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: quick review so others can find this support too. When
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: here with the tools, coaching, and community to help you
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: regulated kids dot com.