Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Jon on America_s Gerontocracy Crisis _ Kosta on Explosive Diarrhea Sweeping U.S. _ The Daily Show

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Jon on America_s Gerontocracy Crisis _ Kosta on Explosive Diarrhea Sweeping U.S. _ The Daily Show · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: But first, obviously, big news from the weekend, the sudden
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: passing of Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Obviously, I
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: knew him a bit from lobbying down at Capitol Hill,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: but I didn't know him particularly well. So I'll let
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Lindsey Graham's best friend memorialize the late senator.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Joining us now by phone is one of his best friends,
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: President Donald Trump.
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: I know you lost one of your closest friends and
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: an ally in the Senate.
• 0:31
  Speaker 4: How are you feeling?
• 0:33
  Speaker 5: Well, I don't feel great. He was a great guy.
• 0:36
  Speaker 5: He was a friend. He would call me all the time.
• 0:38
  Speaker 5: He would just, I'd say, stop calling me, Lindsay.
• 0:54
  Speaker 4: I'll never forget.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: The way that I always let him go to voicemail.
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: It was hard. It was a thing.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Obviously, he's just opening the eulogy on a lighthearted note.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I'm sure the poignancy follows.
• 1:18
  Speaker 5: Love playing golf. Love being outside. It wasn't that he
• 1:22
  Speaker 5: was a great striker of the ball. He was exactly
• 1:26
  Speaker 5: a perfect... He wasn't Jack Nicklaus. He was not Tiger.
• 1:29
  Speaker 5: He was totally against me. He said, I'll get you
• 1:31
  Speaker 5: in South Carolina. I'm going to get you in South Carolina.
• 1:35
  Speaker 5: That didn't work out too well. It was a nasty campaign.
• 1:37
  Speaker 5: He was tough and nasty. I wanted to see the
• 1:40
  Speaker 5: war with Ukraine end very quickly. I think he was
• 1:44
  Speaker 5: more into, you know, keeping it going, frankly. He was
• 1:47
  Speaker 5: a total workaholic politician. You know, some people don't call
• 1:50
  Speaker 5: that work. Some people call that a lot of talking.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I think the president has zoomed through the first five
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: stages of grief and gone straight to number six, that guy.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: By the way, it takes a lot of balls for
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Donald Trump to gently roast someone for yapping too much.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: He's the one who toasted his friend on Meet the Press,
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: CNN's State of the Union, Fox and Friends. Trump was
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: everywhere remembering Lindsey Graham, even when the host of the
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: show appeared to not.
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: Want him to.
• 2:37
  Speaker 5: These people suffer from a very fine disease known as
• 2:41
  Speaker 5: Trump derangement syndrome. He was saying that.
• 2:46
  Speaker 6: Mr.
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: President, did you notice— He was really come a long
• 2:48
  Speaker 5: way on terminating the filibuster.
• 2:50
  Speaker 4: But, Mr. President, did you notice anything different? They find
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: millions and millions of ballots in California.
• 2:54
  Speaker 5: They find millions and millions of ballots. It's impossible. Right.
• 2:57
  Speaker 5: And they didn't know in two weeks. They let it
• 2:59
  Speaker 5: be known an hour later that Steve Wilson— So, Mr.
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: President, real quickly, did you notice anything different from Lindsey
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: on the phone?
• 3:07
  Speaker 5: These elections are very dishonest. No.
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry, Mr. President, the TV station's going through a tunnel. Boop.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: But of course, even his best friend Donald Trump had
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: to concede that Senator Graham's career did have a bad moment.
• 3:29
  Speaker 5: Now, he had one bad moment, and that was, you know,
• 3:31
  Speaker 5: the January 6th thing, when he stood up, all right,
• 3:34
  Speaker 5: now I've had it. That's it. I can't do it anymore.
• 3:37
  Speaker 5: So I give him a 99 instead of a 100.
• 3:40
  Speaker 5: You know, most people were, a lot of people were
• 3:42
  Speaker 5: at 100, but he did have that one little moment.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: You know, my favorite part of any eulogy is when
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: they announce the person's life score.
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: He's doing a eulogy like it's Portnoy doing a pizza review. Yeah,
• 4:07
  Speaker 4: Graham had a good undercarriage, good mouthfeel. Yeah, yeah.
• 4:11
  Speaker 6: What?
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: I'm doing a score, a life score. I'm doing a
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: life score over here. Anyway, 8-2.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I'm going to give him an 8-2, solid score. If
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: he had let the people kill him on January 6th.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: 9-2, monster score. I'd give him a monster score.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Now, before Graham passed, he was not feeling well and
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: was kind of joking about how he didn't have time
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: to die.
• 4:33
  Speaker 7: Axios reported that several hours before his death, Senator Graham
• 4:37
  Speaker 7: complained of feeling unwell and said, I can't die now.
• 4:41
  Speaker 7: I still need to do the Russia sanctions, get Iran
• 4:44
  Speaker 7: sorted out, and do Israeli-Saudi normalization. He passed away a
• 4:49
  Speaker 7: short time later.
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: Holy shit!
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Middle East peace is about as ambitious as a bucket
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: list item can get. I want to bring Israel back
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: into the family of nations and go whale watching.
• 5:11
  Speaker 8: But let this episode be a lesson, people.
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: Write it down.
• 5:14
  Speaker 8: Write your last wishes down.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Write what you want to accomplish in your name down.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Because Donald Trump had a very different interpretation of Lindsay's
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: last wishes.
• 5:23
  Speaker 5: He was pushing the Save America Act like crazy. This
• 5:27
  Speaker 5: is a big blow to the Save America Act, let
• 5:30
  Speaker 5: me tell you.
• 5:32
  Speaker 9: And then Lindsey said to me, his voice weakening, barely
• 5:38
  Speaker 9: a whisper, he said to me, Donald, when I die,
• 5:45
  Speaker 9: float my body down the crystal clear, reflected pool water.
• 5:57
  Speaker 9: so that I may lie in state in your completed ballroom.
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: I said, Lindsay, don't, don't! Save your strength, Lindsay! He said, no, no, no.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: One more thing.
• 6:10
  Speaker 10: I want, before I leave this mortal coil, for them
• 6:17
  Speaker 10: to put your name back on the Kennedy.
• 6:33
  Speaker 11: Now, a lot of you may be wondering, as I was,
• 6:39
  Speaker 11: how the did Lindsey Graham die before Mitch McConnell?
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: The is that possible? It's hard to believe. McConnell was
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: the one.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Who spent a lot of time in and out of
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: hospitals since his Capitol Hill buffering episodes. McConnell was the
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: one who suddenly disappeared for a month and nobody heard
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: from him to the point where the governor of his
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: own state was asking for proof of life. which coincidentally
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: we got yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you totally
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: believable evidence that Mitch McConnell is not only alive.
• 7:32
  Speaker 4: But the happiest boy in the hospital. He's the happiest
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: boy in the hospital. That's the smile of a Make-A-Wish kid.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Whose wish was that everyone else in the hospital lost
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: their health insurance due to his.
• 7:54
  Speaker 8: F * * * ing policies.
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: And after that.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: And after that, of course, Mitch and his wife released
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: even more photos. Here they are at Disney riding Splash Mountain.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Then apparently they climbed the spire of the Empire State
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Building and renewed their vows.
• 8:17
  Speaker 8: And then, let's say, went to a World Cup game.
• 8:32
  Speaker 8: Might not be out of the woods yet.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Regardless, McConnell is still here, and Graham is gone. And
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: so it was time for the media to discuss Graham's
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: legacy for like a couple of minutes.
• 8:44
  Speaker 13: You know, this is so tough for you and for
• 8:46
  Speaker 13: so many there on Capitol Hill because it really was
• 8:48
  Speaker 13: so sudden.
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: No one was expecting this. And we have to turn
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: to the crude numbers of it all, right?
• 8:54
  Speaker 12: Todd Blanch's path to getting confirmed as attorney general just
• 8:57
  Speaker 12: got a whole lot more complicated.
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: Unfortunately, your majority now down to 52.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Mitch McConnell's continued absence, now leaving Republicans with just 51 senators.
• 9:07
  Speaker 14: If Collins votes against you down to 50, the vice
• 9:09
  Speaker 14: president breaks the tie.
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: But what if it's Collins, and Murkowski. Republicans were already
• 9:14
  Speaker 4: struggling with the numbers. Add in Lindsey Graham now being
• 9:19
  Speaker 4: off the table.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, off the table? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: we have a winner for worst dying euphemism yet.
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: Off the table. Where's Old Yeller?
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Don't worry, Timmy, we just had to... Take him off
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: the table. Although I guess the numbers have been pretty
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: tight in the Congress for a while now.
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: I wonder why that is. The current Congress is the
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: third oldest in U.S. history, with the average age of
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: senators nearly 64. 131 out of the 530. Members of
• 9:54
  Speaker 4: Congress are 70 or older.
• 9:56
  Speaker 15: Graham is the sixth member of Congress to die this term.
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: What the f * * *? This term?
• 9:59
  Speaker 7: He's the sixth member of Congress to die this term.
• 10:15
  Speaker 4: Six.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: If this were any other business, they'd shut it down
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: to figure out what the is going on. Six of
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: them have, gas leak, serial killer, six of them are dead.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: My God, those are Petco gerbil numbers. What, are they
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: just coming to Congress every morning with a shovel? What
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: the f * * * is going on down there?
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: It's not like the job is dangerous. They're just sitting there.
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: They're not filming Deadliest Catch. Oh, come on! No way
• 10:57
  Speaker 4: he's in that show! Wow. He really is healthy.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And not to put too fine a point on it,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: but the last person to speak to Graham is our
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: 80-year-old president.
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: The governor who.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Chooses Graham's replacement is 79. One of the candidates being
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: considered is 78. But he backed out because he's too
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: important at his current job in the House of Representatives,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: all to save the Todd Blanch hearings, which are being
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: co-run by 92-year-old Chuck Grassley and whippersnapper Dick.
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: Durbin, 81. The entire.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Congress is falling apart due to a lack of not
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: just political will, but bone density.
• 11:37
  Speaker 16: 83-year-old Board of Democratic Congresswoman Frederica Wilson recovering from an
• 11:43
  Speaker 16: eye surgery.
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: 89-year-old Chuck Grassley getting hip replacement. Senator Patrick Leahy, a
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: broken hip.
• 11:49
  Speaker 17: Nancy Pelosi, hip replacement surgery.
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: Jenny Hoyer is in the hospital with pneumonia. Eleanor Holmes
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: Norton is in the early stages of dementia. Dwight Evans,
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: who's 71, had a stroke. Bernie Sanders was sidelined by
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: a heart attack.
• 12:01
  Speaker 14: Congresswoman Kay Granger lived in an assisted living facility for
• 12:05
  Speaker 14: dementia patients while still serving in Congress and drawing a
• 12:09
  Speaker 14: congressional paycheck.
• 12:11
  Speaker 13: And all of those, by the way, are the ones
• 12:14
  Speaker 13: who were still on the table. The whole place is
• 12:21
  Speaker 13: a Sky Rizzy commercial!
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: Get some free samples.
• 12:28
  Speaker 8: Get some free samples.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Look, I'm no f * * * ing prize. I
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: get that people age differently. Why are we tolerating this
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: level of national frailty in our lawmaking? And it's not
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: just anti-old people. It's not disrespect to ask this question.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: In Japan, they revere the elderly. But the one thing
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: they don't do is put them in charge of everything.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: What's the for argument here?
• 13:02
  Speaker 17: Well, age is a relative thing, as we all know.
• 13:05
  Speaker 17: His experience is an advantage to us and not to
• 13:09
  Speaker 17: be described as a disadvantage.
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: Oh, experience, that's right.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: This is actually the most experienced Congress we've ever had.
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: How's that work?
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: The most unproductive Congress in the first year of a
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: president in history.
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: Potentially the least productive in modern history. Fewest laws passed
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: since at least the 1950s.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: As our government has gotten older, the economy has gotten worse.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Inequality more severe. Our safety net shredded. The irony is
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: that this long past retirement age government has policies that
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: force everyone else to have to work long past retirement age. Mostly, though,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: without a healthcare plan that covers a mysterious month in
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: the hospital. Because we don't have a system that rewards
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: experience and competence and performance. We have a system that
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: rewards incumbency.
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: These people aren't brilliant. They're barnacles.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Utterly incapable of addressing a world moving much faster than
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: the speed of Matlock.
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: Why does it matter?
• 14:21
  Speaker 8: Here's the co-chair of the.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: House Army Caucus, co-chair, Congressman John Carter of Texas, explaining
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: why it's imperative to remediate our outdated defense systems.
• 14:35
  Speaker 18: Another issue that's very important, the department has historically relied
• 14:38
  Speaker 18: on outdated production techniques, energetic manufacturing, which may have remained
• 14:47
  Speaker 18: unchanged since the Civil, the Second World War.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Since the, since the, since the Civil War?
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: Second World War? The blur in my mind, having been
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: at both.
• 15:11
  Speaker 18: How is the Department insuring that investment in next generation
• 15:16
  Speaker 18: energetics manufacturing, such as AI, machine learning capabilities, and enabling,
• 15:24
  Speaker 18: and quality assurance.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: I take no pleasure in this. But this is not right.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: The stakes are too high. There's no way that dude
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: even knows how to put his phone on silent. How
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: can our government make better use of the chat kaput?
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: You guys, we're working on the government, going to get
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: that chat kaput?
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: If I can get a chat kaput to put.
• 16:03
  Speaker 5: In the government, we're going to get.
• 16:05
  Speaker 8: A government to put the chat kaput.
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: Get an insurance and an assurance. In the Civil War,
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: the chat kaput.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I do not think the people deciding rules about the
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: most advanced technology on Earth should look like they're steam-powered.
• 16:32
  Speaker 4: I'll get a shot of your kaput.
• 16:33
  Speaker 5: No.
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: Get some more coal up the ass and get me
• 16:36
  Speaker 4: going again. Come on.
• 16:39
  Speaker 5: Come on now.
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: Shovel that shit right up my ass.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Everyone understands you cannot have the country ruled by people
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: this old and frail.
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: Everyone except them.
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: Senator Mitch McConnell said over the weekend, I'm not taking
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: a break from the Senate business that matters to you.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: I still have unfinished business to complete on your behalf,
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: and I have every intention of finishing the job you
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: elected me to do.
• 17:09
  Speaker 10: Don't!
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: Don't finish it, we're fine! You don't have to finish
• 17:16
  Speaker 4: the job.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: And by the way, I am going nowhere because I
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: have unfinished business literally is.
• 17:22
  Speaker 8: What a ghost would say.
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: That is what a ghost would say. I'm not leaving.
• 17:28
  Speaker 10: I have unfinished.
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: You cannot banish me.
• 17:31
  Speaker 10: My soul has unfinished business.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I must curtail your access to food stamps.
• 17:41
  Speaker 4: Food stamps. And again, I am in no.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Way suggesting that old people cannot be productive at their jobs.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: But at the highest levels of our government, there is
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: no check on when they are no longer capable of
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: doing just that.
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: But their power remains. Advanced age is just one more
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: way in.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Which our government is at a remove from the needs
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: of the people they purport to serve. And they have
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: too much power to be this disconnected. if only there
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: was somebody in the government who understood that.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: We need a Democratic Party that opens its doors to
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: new people, new energy, and new ideas.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: That kid gets it.
• 18:30
  Speaker 14: President Trump hosted an IndyCar event at the White House. Now,
• 18:34
  Speaker 14: if you don't know what IndyCar is, it's for fans
• 18:36
  Speaker 14: who have more class than NASCAR but less money than F1.
• 18:40
  Speaker 5: And.
• 18:42
  Speaker 4: Say what you want about Trump, he's a showman.
• 18:44
  Speaker 14: So I expect to see him hype up this exciting
• 18:47
  Speaker 14: event with some energy. Maybe it doesn't have that Eye
• 18:59
  Speaker 14: of the Tiger energy. This would be like if instead
• 19:03
  Speaker 14: of running up the steps of the.
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: Museum, Rocky took the chairlift.
• 19:10
  Speaker 14: Laziest Rocky ever. He doesn't even work out. He just
• 19:13
  Speaker 14: drinks the eggs.
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: Stay down, Rocky.
• 19:19
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 19:22
  Speaker 14: Would still be a better reboot than the new Moana.
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: Oh, poor Disney.
• 19:31
  Speaker 5: Disney.
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: I hope The Rock is okay after that. But you
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: know what?
• 19:36
  Speaker 14: I understand why Trump might be a little down. He's
• 19:39
  Speaker 14: on a sad weekend. His best friend was poisoned by
• 19:43
  Speaker 14: his other best friend. Putin did not kill Lindsey Graham
• 19:49
  Speaker 14: while he was in Ukraine it's just a suspicious coincidence
• 19:51
  Speaker 14: that makes a lot of sense when you think about
• 19:53
  Speaker 14: it but according to President Trump Lindsey died from a
• 19:57
  Speaker 14: specific medical you know what let's let the president just
• 20:00
  Speaker 14: delicately explain it do you think we know.
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: The whole story about his death.
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: Well, I think we do.
• 20:07
  Speaker 18: We've had great doctors and they talked about, you know,
• 20:09
  Speaker 18: a certain part of his body literally blew up.
• 20:17
  Speaker 4: That's right. Part of his body blew up.
• 20:22
  Speaker 14: The New England Journal of Medicine calls it spontaneous kablooey syndrome.
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: It's actually a fairly common cause of death.
• 20:31
  Speaker 14: Well, remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina
• 20:35
  Speaker 14: went boom. But now the question is, who will fill
• 20:41
  Speaker 14: in the senator's seat until the next election? I assume
• 20:43
  Speaker 14: someone like the lieutenant governor or the secretary of state.
• 20:47
  Speaker 14: Whatever political process we have in place for this.
• 20:50
  Speaker 13: We now know who will fill Senator Lindsey Graham's seat
• 20:53
  Speaker 13: in the U.S.
• 20:53
  Speaker 4: Senate. His sister.
• 20:55
  Speaker 14: Or his sister. I guess, his sister, a Senate seat?
• 21:01
  Speaker 14: That's an inheritance jackpot. Most people just get a garage
• 21:05
  Speaker 14: full of damp boxes.
• 21:09
  Speaker 4: Whose idea was this?
• 21:11
  Speaker 19: President Trump recommended Graham's sister for the interim job, calling
• 21:14
  Speaker 19: it a fabulous tribute to Lindsey.
• 21:16
  Speaker 20: So we're going to work for one Senator Graham to
• 21:19
  Speaker 20: another Senator Graham.
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: It's just tragically symmetrical.
• 21:24
  Speaker 19: Mm-hmm.
• 21:25
  Speaker 12: Mm-hmm.
• 21:25
  Speaker 5: Mm-hmm. Yep.
• 21:30
  Speaker 14: If there's one thing this guy knows all about, it's
• 21:33
  Speaker 14: being tragically symmetrical. But for real, I disagree with this
• 21:44
  Speaker 14: guy who looks like a finger-length potato that they put
• 21:47
  Speaker 14: a dollop of cream on top of. I mean, there
• 21:51
  Speaker 14: was more consideration about who should take over for Pat Sajak,
• 21:54
  Speaker 14: and his whole job was correctly reading up.
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: To three words at a time. But still, I'll give
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: her a fair shot. What exactly are her qualifications?
• 22:05
  Speaker 16: Darlene Graham Nordone has more than two decades of experience
• 22:08
  Speaker 16: in government. She is commissioner of the South Carolina Commission.
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: For the Blind.
• 22:12
  Speaker 16: She was business service director and communications director for the
• 22:15
  Speaker 16: South Carolina Department of Employment and Workforce and is president-elect
• 22:19
  Speaker 16: of the National Council of State Agencies for the Blind.
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: No surprise there.
• 22:24
  Speaker 14: Another giveaway to the all-powerful blind people lobby. I hope
• 22:30
  Speaker 14: everyone bought stock in that company that makes those sticks
• 22:32
  Speaker 14: they're always tapping on the sidewalk.
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: I'm kidding, obviously. If anything, she's overqualified.
• 22:44
  Speaker 14: I'm worried she'll make the other senators look bad, which
• 22:46
  Speaker 14: would be embarrassing for the ones who.
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: Know where they are right now. Let's move on, because
• 22:54
  Speaker 4: Lindsay's sister will.
• 22:55
  Speaker 14: Have her work cut out for her for the next
• 22:56
  Speaker 14: five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time, because.
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: A lot of shit is going down right now. The U.S.
• 23:04
  Speaker 4: launching strikes for a third straight day as President Trump
• 23:07
  Speaker 4: informs Congress that U.S. military action is ramping up.
• 23:09
  Speaker 5: We're going to hit them very hard tonight, and we're
• 23:12
  Speaker 5: going to hit them hard tomorrow. And there's not a
• 23:14
  Speaker 5: damn thing they can do about it.
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: They have nothing.
• 23:16
  Speaker 5: They have nothing going other than they have big mouths.
• 23:19
  Speaker 14: By the way, it doesn't seem fair that Lindsey Graham
• 23:21
  Speaker 14: pushed us into this war, and we still have to
• 23:23
  Speaker 14: fight it even after he dies.
• 23:26
  Speaker 4: It feels like when my daughter makes me.
• 23:27
  Speaker 14: Buy a really complicated Lego set, and then five minutes in,
• 23:31
  Speaker 14: she goes to watch TV. Two hours later, I'm sitting
• 23:34
  Speaker 14: by myself assembling a mermaid castle, like, what the am
• 23:38
  Speaker 14: I doing this for?
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: Anyways, it came out great.
• 23:54
  Speaker 14: Of course, the reason why Trump says he went back
• 23:57
  Speaker 14: to war is that Iran wants to charge tolls for ships.
• 24:00
  Speaker 4: Going through the Strait of Hormuz. And guess what, buddy? Okay?
• 24:04
  Speaker 4: You can't do that.
• 24:05
  Speaker 12: We believe international waterways should be free of tolls, and
• 24:08
  Speaker 12: that's been our position.
• 24:09
  Speaker 20: Trying to impose a tolling system. Iran's plan, a form
• 24:14
  Speaker 20: of international extortion.
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: Is unacceptable.
• 24:18
  Speaker 13: No country is allowed to charge tolls or fees on
• 24:20
  Speaker 13: an international waterway.
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: That's existing international law.
• 24:24
  Speaker 14: Yeah, news flash, Iran. Charging a toll is not allowed
• 24:27
  Speaker 14: under international law. Doesn't matter if it's 5% or 1%.
• 24:31
  Speaker 14: The only acceptable number is 0%, okay?
• 24:35
  Speaker 19: Trump announcing plans to charge a 20% fee on all
• 24:38
  Speaker 19: cargo that passes through the Strait of Hormuz.
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: We're charging 20%!
• 24:45
  Speaker 14: That's like twice what I give a waiter. But maybe
• 24:50
  Speaker 14: 20% is reasonable.
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: What kind of damage are we talking about here? Just
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: a couple hundred bucks?
• 24:54
  Speaker 19: If Trump's fee goes into effect, a massive oil tanker
• 24:57
  Speaker 19: transporting 2 million barrels could have to pay the U.S.
• 25:01
  Speaker 19: upwards of $ 32 million.
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: $ 32 million. Jesus. Although if you sign up for E-ZPass,
• 25:09
  Speaker 4: it's only 29.1.
• 25:09
  Speaker 20: So....
• 25:13
  Speaker 4: At least I hope they have easy paths.
• 25:14
  Speaker 14: Imagine steering your boat through a toll booth, frantically searching
• 25:17
  Speaker 14: your center console for $ 32.
• 25:19
  Speaker 4: Million in quarters.
• 25:23
  Speaker 14: It's crazy to pay $ 32 million for something that used
• 25:26
  Speaker 14: to be free. This is just like when the grocery
• 25:28
  Speaker 14: store started making us pay 10 cents for bags, except
• 25:31
  Speaker 14: it's 31.9999 million more.
• 25:36
  Speaker 4: And by the way, we're not even in control of
• 25:39
  Speaker 4: the Strait. Iran is. And now you're just giving them ideas.
• 25:43
  Speaker 17: Its foreign minister wrote on social media the following, quote,
• 25:47
  Speaker 17: the president is absolutely right. Whoever provides secure and safe
• 25:51
  Speaker 17: passage of commercial vessels through the Strait of Hormuz should
• 25:55
  Speaker 17: be compensated for their service.
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: 20% of course is too much. We will be fair.
• 26:03
  Speaker 4: Jesus Christ. How did we end up like this?
• 26:07
  Speaker 14: We're a global superpower and we're haggling over tolls with
• 26:10
  Speaker 14: the Iranians?
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: We're not going to beat the Iranians at haggling.
• 26:13
  Speaker 14: They invented it. And putting raisins on rice. There's no
• 26:23
  Speaker 14: haggling with Iranians. We're going to go in there looking
• 26:26
  Speaker 14: for a deal on the street of Hormuz and end
• 26:27
  Speaker 14: up coming out with an $ 800 raw silk bedspread that
• 26:31
  Speaker 14: I never wanted in the first place.
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: How are we going to get out of this jam? Today,
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: in a major reversal, President Trump says the U.S.
• 26:38
  Speaker 14: Will not charge tolls on cargo moving through the Strait
• 26:41
  Speaker 14: of Hormuz.
• 26:42
  Speaker 5: I was called by different people, and they said, we'd
• 26:45
  Speaker 5: love to do it a different way. We'd love to
• 26:46
  Speaker 5: invest in the United States as opposed to charging a fee.
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: And I like that, actually, because I don't think anybody
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: should be able to charge a fee for the.
• 26:56
  Speaker 5: Strait.
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: All right. Phew. God, I was worried there for a second.
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: Then I remembered everything Trump says is bullshit. So thanks,
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: President Trump.
• 27:08
  Speaker 14: So, in summary, the bottom line is we're back at
• 27:13
  Speaker 14: war with Iran to stop them from charging tolls that
• 27:16
  Speaker 14: they weren't charging before we went to war with them,
• 27:20
  Speaker 14: so that nobody can charge tolls except we want to
• 27:23
  Speaker 14: charge tolls.
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: Can anything be more embarrassing than this?
• 27:28
  Speaker 19: Going even further, Trump declaring the U.S. will soon become, quote,
• 27:31
  Speaker 19: the guardian of the Hormuz Strait.
• 27:35
  Speaker 14: Guardian of the Hormuz Strait. Trump, Trump, you couldn't even protect.
• 27:50
  Speaker 4: The reflecting pool from algae.
• 27:53
  Speaker 14: So the Guardian of the Strait is a pretty fancy
• 27:56
  Speaker 14: term for a toll booth collector.
• 27:59
  Speaker 4: Some dude's in the middle of I-95 right now.
• 28:01
  Speaker 14: Hey, I'm kind of the Lord Protector of the New
• 28:04
  Speaker 14: Jersey Turnpike.
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: What you gonna do about it? Hey, America, how you feeling? Good?
• 28:11
  Speaker 4: Is your tummy okay? Well, enjoy it while it lasts.
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: This is not a happy morning topic.
• 28:19
  Speaker 15: Explosive diarrhea afflicting more than 3,000 people.
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: The parasite is called cyclospora. So far, 3,000 cases have
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: been reported in 32 states. The symptoms are nasty, to
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: say the least. Explosive diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, muscle aches, debilitating fatigue.
• 28:39
  Speaker 4: You know, honestly, it could have just stopped at explosive diarrhea.
• 28:42
  Speaker 14: LAUGHTER Muscle aches aren't an issue at that point. I'm
• 28:49
  Speaker 14: not going to be sitting on the toilet shitting my
• 28:50
  Speaker 14: brains out like, and my biceps are sore. Seriously, this
• 28:56
  Speaker 14: is not a helpful list. These are also all the
• 29:00
  Speaker 14: symptoms for being over 35. I had a piece of
• 29:04
  Speaker 14: cake at my kid's birthday. I had every single one
• 29:07
  Speaker 14: of these. But I will say, butthole COVID really does
• 29:12
  Speaker 14: sound awful.
• 29:13
  Speaker 4: It was really bad.
• 29:14
  Speaker 19: There were moments where I was literally just camped out
• 29:17
  Speaker 19: in the bathroom.
• 29:18
  Speaker 4: And, like, I don't care. I'm just gonna lay on
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: this floor.
• 29:21
  Speaker 14: Anyway, you're gonna blur my face and change my voice
• 29:24
  Speaker 14: before this airs, right? I'm not gonna be the face
• 29:28
  Speaker 14: of lying on the floor pooping to death, right?
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: I'm just joking.
• 29:33
  Speaker 14: You know, she's actually sharing her experience to raise awareness.
• 29:36
  Speaker 14: She shouldn't be embarrassed. It's these clout TikTokers who should
• 29:42
  Speaker 14: be embarrassed.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: I eat healthy, and I end up getting diarrhea for
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: seven days straight.
• 29:47
  Speaker 4: Like, bam, all day on the toilet.
• 29:49
  Speaker 8: The cramping, the stomach pain.
• 29:51
  Speaker 20: The worst thing about this was I felt disgusting.
• 29:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's... That's how diarrhea works. It's disgusting.
• 30:01
  Speaker 14: It'd be even stranger if you were like, I had
• 30:03
  Speaker 14: diarrhea for five days, and man, did I feel sexy.
• 30:06
  Speaker 14: By the way, we shouldn't even be talking about how
• 30:12
  Speaker 14: you felt when you had diarrhea.
• 30:15
  Speaker 4: TikTokers, can I have a quick word with you over here? Hey, chat.
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: You don't have to share everything.
• 30:27
  Speaker 14: You can always ask yourself, did anyone ask me if
• 30:29
  Speaker 14: I had explosive diarrhea? If the answer is no, do
• 30:33
  Speaker 14: what you couldn't do last week and hold it in.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 30:45
  Speaker 4: You might be wondering, where does this parasite come from? Well,
• 30:48
  Speaker 4: one company is taking responsibility.
• 30:50
  Speaker 15: Taco Bell saying they have voluntarily removed some ingredients at
• 30:54
  Speaker 15: select locations as the food-borne parasite cyclosporiasis rapidly spreads across
• 30:59
  Speaker 15: the U.S.
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well, I guess we should have known.
• 31:02
  Speaker 14: They did just come out with their new Dioritos Locos Tacos.
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: So Taco Bell has been giving people the parasite. I'm
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: glad we cleared that up. Case closed.
• 31:15
  Speaker 15: The company stating public health officials have not confirmed a
• 31:18
  Speaker 15: link to Taco Bell or any specific ingredient, supplier, restaurant,
• 31:23
  Speaker 15: or retailer, adding they will closely monitor the situation.
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: Wait, so Taco Bell didn't cause this?
• 31:30
  Speaker 14: They just heard explosive diarrhea and they were like, yeah,
• 31:33
  Speaker 14: that must have been us.
• 31:35
  Speaker 4: We'll take it.
• 31:39
  Speaker 14: It actually turns out no one is sure where it's
• 31:41
  Speaker 14: coming from, and our media isn't helping us figure it
• 31:44
  Speaker 14: out from using these terrifying red outbreak maps highlighting basically
• 31:50
  Speaker 14: all the states, high-tech graphics of the supposed parasite cell,
• 31:53
  Speaker 14: and when that's not, it seems scary enough, filling an
• 31:56
  Speaker 14: entire screen with just four.
• 31:58
  Speaker 4: Words, weeks of severe diarrhea.
• 32:03
  Speaker 14: I'm so scared by these graphics, by the time I
• 32:05
  Speaker 14: get the parasite, I'll have already shit myself. By the way,
• 32:11
  Speaker 14: how come every time there's a pandemic or outbreak, they
• 32:14
  Speaker 14: show us these close-up headshots of.
• 32:16
  Speaker 4: The virus like it's a wanted poster?
• 32:20
  Speaker 14: Like I'm gonna see the parasite on the street and
• 32:21
  Speaker 14: be like, hey, it's the guy from.
• 32:23
  Speaker 4: The news, get him!
• 32:27
  Speaker 14: Please, news, you don't need to convince us that explosive
• 32:30
  Speaker 14: diarrhea is bad.
• 32:32
  Speaker 4: We're on board already. Just tell us what we can
• 32:34
  Speaker 4: do to avoid getting this parasite. We'll do anything.
• 32:38
  Speaker 13: Wash the lettuce under running water.
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm out. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.
• 32:46
  Speaker 14: You're adding chores to eating a salad? Eating a salad
• 32:50
  Speaker 14: is the chore. I'm not washing lettuce. I'll give fruit
• 32:55
  Speaker 14: a quick rinse.
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: Will that help? I would let it run over these.
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: How long? Probably for about five or six minutes.
• 33:02
  Speaker 14: Five to six minutes? It's a kitchen, not an AI
• 33:07
  Speaker 14: data center. Okay, so fruit's out, lettuce is out. I
• 33:12
  Speaker 14: guess I'll be grocery shopping at the gas station until
• 33:14
  Speaker 14: the CDC gets a handle on cyclospora. By the way,
• 33:18
  Speaker 14: why hasn't the CDC gotten a handle on the cyclospora?
• 33:22
  Speaker 6: The CDC is also tackling the outbreak with fewer staff
• 33:26
  Speaker 6: because it had.
• 33:26
  Speaker 4: Cuts to its funding last year. CDC actually scaled back
• 33:29
  Speaker 4: a decades-long federal-state partnership that monitors food-borne illnesses, including those
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: caused by cyclospora. Hmm, okay.
• 33:40
  Speaker 14: Let me see if I can track this. We cut
• 33:42
  Speaker 14: the funding for the program that tracks forever diarrhea, and
• 33:46
  Speaker 14: now people are getting forever diarrhea. Let me see if
• 33:50
  Speaker 14: I can figure this out. I don't see any connection.
• 34:01
  Speaker 14: All I saw were these complicated math equations.
• 34:04
  Speaker 4: But hold on.
• 34:05
  Speaker 14: If we're cutting the funding that prevents Americans from getting
• 34:07
  Speaker 14: the disease that turns our guts inside out, where exactly
• 34:11
  Speaker 14: is our money?
• 34:13
  Speaker 17: An internal Pentagon estimate puts the cost of the war
• 34:16
  Speaker 17: with Iran at between $ 80 and $ 100 billion.
• 34:19
  Speaker 6: That marking a significant increase from the roughly $ 30 billion
• 34:23
  Speaker 6: estimated just three months ago.
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: Oh, I see. Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea.
• 34:32
  Speaker 14: Well, America, I'm sorry to say, but the money it
• 34:34
  Speaker 14: takes to blow up Iran is the reason we're blowing
• 34:37
  Speaker 14: up our own bathrooms. It's like how our grandparents grew
• 34:41
  Speaker 14: their own crops to support the troops during World War II,
• 34:44
  Speaker 14: except our version of this is power-washing the toilet with
• 34:46
  Speaker 14: our butthole.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: So.
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: When you hit week three of Hell Squirts... Remember, you're
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: doing it for Uncle Sam.
• 34:59
  Speaker 14: President Trump is addressing the nation tonight, and because we
• 35:01
  Speaker 14: taped earlier in the day, we don't know yet what
• 35:04
  Speaker 14: he's gonna say or which museum he'll be putting his
• 35:06
  Speaker 14: name on, but come on, Museum.
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: Of African American History and Culture!
• 35:14
  Speaker 14: But there is one person who does know what's in
• 35:17
  Speaker 14: the speech, and he sure is making the most of it.
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: Trump's longtime teleprompter operator is accused of using inside knowledge
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: to cash in on prediction markets, allegedly making more than $ 100, 000.
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: By betting on what the president would or would not say. Honestly, respect.
• 35:34
  Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying?
• 35:36
  Speaker 14: Oh, I know people are going to say it's cheating
• 35:38
  Speaker 14: if he knows what words are in the prompter, but
• 35:40
  Speaker 14: with Trump, that's not a sure thing.
• 35:44
  Speaker 4: For example, let's.
• 35:45
  Speaker 14: Say he puts a bet down that Trump is going
• 35:47
  Speaker 14: to read the word magnificent in a speech.
• 35:51
  Speaker 18: And just across the bridge in front of Arlington Cemetery,
• 35:54
  Speaker 18: we're building a magnificent, really beautiful.
• 35:57
  Speaker 4: Does that count? Does that count? I hope it does,
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: because I put a 200 large on it.
• 36:06
  Speaker 14: Now, obviously, using a teleprompter to win bets is a
• 36:09
  Speaker 14: recipe for trouble. I mean, I read from a prompter,
• 36:12
  Speaker 14: and I know our operator would never purple bananas, purple bananas.
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: Purple bananas.
• 36:15
  Speaker 14: God damn it, Christina! But I assume Trump is cool
• 36:22
  Speaker 14: with this. I mean, game recognize game.
• 36:24
  Speaker 20: He's on unpaid administrative leave right now.
• 36:26
  Speaker 15: There are very strict ethical guidelines here at the White House.
• 36:34
  Speaker 14: Did she just say there are very strict ethical guidelines
• 36:37
  Speaker 14: at the White House?
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: This is like claiming that Love Island has a dress code.
• 36:42
  Speaker 19: Uh.
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: Nice try.
• 36:46
  Speaker 14: Let's move on to someone in the West Wing who's
• 36:48
  Speaker 14: slightly less important than the prompter guy, JD Vance, vice
• 36:52
  Speaker 14: president and the weak link in your improv group. He's
• 36:56
  Speaker 14: been on the podcast circuit lately to plug his memoir
• 36:59
  Speaker 14: and share a bit about himself, but I feel like
• 37:02
  Speaker 14: he's oversharing.
• 37:03
  Speaker 12: The thing I couldn't get over Biden is the way
• 37:05
  Speaker 12: that he ate ice cream.
• 37:06
  Speaker 4: I mean, it's like, you know, we could bring some
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: of this stuff up, but it's like.
• 37:11
  Speaker 12: They would get him eating ice cream in the most ridiculous,
• 37:15
  Speaker 12: suggestive way imaginable.
• 37:18
  Speaker 4: Suggestive?
• 37:19
  Speaker 14: I mean, I remember seeing Joe Biden eating ice cream,
• 37:22
  Speaker 14: but I don't remember pitching a tent over it. You
• 37:28
  Speaker 14: ever meet someone with a kink and they assume you
• 37:30
  Speaker 14: have it too? Man, man, look at that goat just
• 37:34
  Speaker 14: teasing us. But if you actually look at Joe Biden
• 37:39
  Speaker 14: eating ice cream, there's nothing suggestive about it.
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: I mean, look at this.
• 37:43
  Speaker 14: The man uses his teeth. He's biting it like a shark.
• 37:51
  Speaker 4: Either J.D.
• 37:52
  Speaker 14: Vance doesn't know what he's talking about or I've been
• 37:55
  Speaker 14: giving blowjobs wrong this whole time.
• 38:07
  Speaker 4: But Rocky Road.
• 38:08
  Speaker 14: Isn't Vance's only sexual food hang-up. You know how politicians
• 38:11
  Speaker 14: are always being photographed awkwardly eating food at a state fair?
• 38:15
  Speaker 4: J.D. is not going to let that happen to him.
• 38:19
  Speaker 14: You'd have to be a very manly man to be
• 38:21
  Speaker 14: able to confidently eat a corn dog.
• 38:24
  Speaker 12: I don't know that I could do it, Joe.
• 38:25
  Speaker 4: I eat them. They're good. They taste good. I love
• 38:29
  Speaker 4: corn dogs.
• 38:29
  Speaker 12: I try to eat my corn dogs. That's between me
• 38:33
  Speaker 12: and my kitchen.
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: That's between you and your kitchen?
• 38:40
  Speaker 14: Yeah, that's right, JD's not one of those losers eating
• 38:42
  Speaker 14: corn dogs in public. He's eating his corn dogs alone
• 38:46
  Speaker 14: over his sink in the dark. Who's making a fool
• 38:48
  Speaker 14: of himself now? Why do you have this gay panic, dude?
• 38:54
  Speaker 14: Nobody's gonna think the corn dog is a penis. I mean,
• 38:57
  Speaker 14: it's a hot dog, so there is some rat penis
• 39:00
  Speaker 14: in there, but.
• 39:00
  Speaker 4: It's not like in a gay way. But J.D.
• 39:03
  Speaker 14: Vance wasn't just there to list his top 10 most
• 39:06
  Speaker 14: arousing foods. He also clued Joe Rogan in on the U.S.
• 39:09
  Speaker 14: strategy for the war in Iran.
• 39:11
  Speaker 12: We're not just going to do something open-ended indefinitely. We're
• 39:14
  Speaker 12: not just going to bomb and bomb and bomb. We're
• 39:16
  Speaker 12: going to try to use our military force as one
• 39:18
  Speaker 12: of the many tools that we have to solve the problem.
• 39:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I love that.
• 39:22
  Speaker 14: Our military shouldn't just be used to bomb without any strategy.
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: Great idea, J.D. Oh, quick suggestion.
• 39:29
  Speaker 14: Instead of flying to Austin to tell it to this podcaster,
• 39:32
  Speaker 14: why don't you walk down the hall and tell it
• 39:34
  Speaker 14: to your boss.
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: The President of the United States?
• 39:44
  Speaker 14: Because so far, his strategy is bomb, and I like
• 39:47
  Speaker 14: your strategy of don't do bomb, which I hope is
• 39:50
  Speaker 14: for strategic reasons and not just because the shape of
• 39:52
  Speaker 14: a missile makes you uncomfortably horny. Now, you might be wondering,
• 39:57
  Speaker 14: does this guy even know that he's the vice president?
• 40:00
  Speaker 4: Don't worry. He knows.
• 40:02
  Speaker 12: Like, my life is, dude, totally transformed. I don't go
• 40:06
  Speaker 12: to the grocery store anymore. People go to the grocery
• 40:09
  Speaker 12: store for me.
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: Dude, that's awesome.
• 40:13
  Speaker 14: Maybe you should go to the grocery store. You might
• 40:16
  Speaker 14: learn some stuff. Like, oh, were beans always $ 85? No,
• 40:20
  Speaker 14: they weren't. And it's actually your job to fix it.
• 40:25
  Speaker 14: But still, the vice president wants people to know that
• 40:27
  Speaker 14: even though he doesn't do his own grocery shopping, he's
• 40:29
  Speaker 14: still JD from the block.
• 40:31
  Speaker 12: But it can become the sort of thing that if
• 40:33
  Speaker 12: you internalize it, you start to be an entitled asshole.
• 40:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you see? He's self-aware.
• 40:39
  Speaker 14: Don't forget, this guy is from rural Ohio.
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: He grew up poor.
• 40:44
  Speaker 14: So he's not about to exploit his newfound privilege at
• 40:47
  Speaker 14: taxpayers' expense, right?
• 40:50
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: Some of the Secret Service agents assigned to protect Vice
• 40:57
  Speaker 3: President J.D. Vance say they're, quote, fed up with his
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: personal and family travel requests.
• 41:02
  Speaker 6: Just last Thursday, the family demanded that agents join a
• 41:05
  Speaker 6: military helicopter crew to fly his young son to his
• 41:09
  Speaker 6: golf lesson across town. They have also used the choppers
• 41:13
  Speaker 6: to house hunt in Virginia.
• 41:15
  Speaker 5: All right.
• 41:16
  Speaker 14: Now, first off, if you're trying to get the best
• 41:18
  Speaker 14: deal on a new house, maybe don't show up in
• 41:20
  Speaker 14: a helicopter.
• 41:22
  Speaker 4: I can't go over 1-5, money's tight. I said money
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: is tight. It's the Secret Service who blew the whistle.
• 41:31
  Speaker 14: Do you know how overbearing you have to be if
• 41:34
  Speaker 14: the people who signed up to take.
• 41:35
  Speaker 4: A bullet for you are like, woof, this guy is
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: a diva.
• 41:42
  Speaker 14: Let's move on to Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and
• 41:45
  Speaker 14: the personification of Sons Out, Guns Out. Because he has
• 41:50
  Speaker 14: nothing else going on right now, he came out with
• 41:53
  Speaker 14: an important message for the troops.
• 41:55
  Speaker 20: We have the most elite warriors on the face of
• 41:58
  Speaker 20: the earth. While we invest heavily in our weapon systems, platforms,
• 42:01
  Speaker 20: and gear, our most decisive tactical advantage will always be
• 42:06
  Speaker 20: the individual warfighter. We have a sacred duty to maintain
• 42:09
  Speaker 20: that advantage, which is why we must constantly look for
• 42:12
  Speaker 20: new ways to optimize your performance, your resilience, and your
• 42:17
  Speaker 20: long-term health.
• 42:19
  Speaker 4: Awesome.
• 42:19
  Speaker 14: You know, I thought this guy was just a walking
• 42:22
  Speaker 14: word salad of military cliches, but no, he cares about
• 42:25
  Speaker 14: the troops.
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: And there's so much to do.
• 42:27
  Speaker 14: We could fix the VA, give our troops some mental
• 42:30
  Speaker 14: health care. For once, I could feel good about where
• 42:32
  Speaker 14: our money is going. So what's the priority here, Petey?
• 42:36
  Speaker 20: Today, I'm authorizing a new screening program for testosterone deficiency
• 42:41
  Speaker 20: for our service members, ensuring you... have the right testosterone
• 42:45
  Speaker 20: levels to operate at your absolute best.
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: Hell yeah.
• 42:51
  Speaker 14: This Secretary of War up policy a lot. It's kind
• 42:55
  Speaker 14: of a problem. So wait, am I understanding this correctly?
• 42:57
  Speaker 14: He thinks the biggest problem facing troops is low T? Wait,
• 43:01
  Speaker 14: are the Marines pulling the trigger with their rock hard cocks?
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: You know, every time you look.
• 43:10
  Speaker 14: At what this administration is up to, you always find
• 43:11
  Speaker 14: the most insane combination of audacity and stupidity. But after
• 43:15
  Speaker 14: all this time, I do think there's something we can
• 43:18
  Speaker 14: do about it. All it takes is purple bananas, purple bananas,
• 43:21
  Speaker 14: purple bananas.