Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Why are There No Female Prophets? | Zain Sharif | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Why are There No Female Prophets? | Zain Sharif | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I have a little bit of anxiety right now.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: My vape died right before I hit the stage.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that shit was better than cigarettes.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: That shit is worse.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: That shit is delicious.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: When I was smoking cigarettes, Marlboro, Newport.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Vaping, peaches, papaya, guava.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Shit getting more exotic every time I go.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes not even regular watermelon.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Watermelon ice.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that shit is, but every time I hit it, I'm like, yo, I can taste the ice.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how y'all do this.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: These companies are slick too.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: They market to your culture.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: They know I'm Latino.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: They be spicing up them flavors.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Went to the vape shop last night, he was like, I was waiting for you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Mocho mucho mango.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of mango.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Come back later, I'm gonna have rice and beans.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just keep my credit card.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like things are piecing together in my life.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: They just flew me out to the Bahamas to headline, do comedy.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was top experiences I've ever had in my life.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I fucked up.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I brought my girlfriend with me.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not for no devious reasons.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: We just had two different mindsets.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to make money.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was trying to spend that money, I'd even make it.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: We stayed at a resort.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: She wanted to do everything at the resort.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Even shit where I'm like, they had this thing at the Bahamas is called swimming with the pigs.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: These are not even cute little pigs.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: These are grown hairy ass pigs.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Ugly as shit.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: The guy goes, be careful, the pig he might bite you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I go, this pig bites me, I'm gonna bite him back.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what you've been calling him, but he's gonna be chicha hung by the time I leave.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna lure this pig if he bites me.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: That shit was$200 a person.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Facts.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's the same reaction I had.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, we gotta do it.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Memories.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I bought a Polaroid camera just for this.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was gonna have to pay for that shit.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Then I look over to the left, I saw three other fat guys walking into the beach.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say we can swim with them for free.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be the fourth one.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'll oin.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take the picture too.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: They had a water park at the resort.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't been to an amusement park since they denied me.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was when I was 12, I was too chubby to get on King the Car.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was gonna be the same thing.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: No weight limits at water parks.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: That should not be a thing.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: This plus gravity was crazy.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: The velocity in which I went down that slide.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You wanna know how Moses parted the Red Sea?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: He sent a fat guy.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Divided everything.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I went on one ride.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was just excited.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't been on an amusement park in years, right?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: The water park.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting at the top of the slide.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Shit was insane.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: 90 feet up in the sky, and it's at a 90-degree angle.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're not even sitting on nothing, you're just bare body, just like this.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting at the top, I got my feet dangling.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready to go.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I started rubbing water on my chest, making sure I'm all fluid and shit.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, the guy that works there, he scared me.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, You want to go?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I did until you said that.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna get up though, that's embarrassing.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I fully committed.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I went down that slide.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Has anybody here ever felt that feeling of accepting death before?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not in control.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just closed my eyes.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: At one point, I think I got so scared I farted and I came off the slide.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I'm here.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: The next ride, I was like, nah, we gotta get on together.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going by myself.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: We went on one that's like it's two inner tubes tied together.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody told me nothing.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I sat in the front.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody explained weight distribution to me.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: We went down that slide, I hit that first turn, I felt her behind me grab my shoulder.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I almost left her behind.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: The weight is uneven though.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: She's trailing behind me, so it's going like this.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: We just started 316 down this tunnel.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: We hit that water, I propelled her over my body.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I try to grab her last second.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Miamai! No luck.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think my favorite ride, hands down, the lazy river.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Shit is a chubby man's paradise.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm drunk.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I got a pina colada in my hand, I'm just spinning in this fucking river.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Going five miles per hour is the nicest shit ever.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was on that ride for so long, I reached the beginning of the lazy river.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: That shit is not lazy in the beginning.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: They need to push that water hard to push the water throughout that whole ride.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I went from five miles per hour to 50 in a matter of seconds.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I started bouncing off the walls like a ping pong.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hit one corner, I saw a family of five divided all of them.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Little kid went this way, grandmother went that way.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yo, my bad.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just kept spinning away from.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I had to just wear that shit open like this.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: We stepped out in the balcony, we were trying to smoke some weed.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling good about myself.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, the hotel across from us on the 18th floor, I saw somebody flash a camera.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know what's the worst part?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's gonna believe me that it was cold in the Bahamas.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: We just have to eat that shit.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: While I was in the Bahamas, I was trying to scheme.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I do comedy full time, but I like to think about million dollars ideas, you know?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you find that funny?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You find me thinking funny?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I like to think of uh I like to think of people that came up with ideas that made him so much money.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my favorite person of all time, Michael Buffer.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know who Michael Buffer is, you may know his catchphrase.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get ready to rumble.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all ever heard that before?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see that documentary.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know how much money he made for that?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: 400 million dollars.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not making that shit up.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see how that shit started.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way in hell it was let's get ready to rumble from the beginning.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see him trying to figure that shit out.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's get ready to tussle.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, that's not it.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's shoot the fair one.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, too hood.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like the next Michael Buffer right now, he's wasting all his talent working at Starbucks.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: He should be announcing boxers instead, he's announcing fucking people's orders.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: He should be saying Canelo Alvarez.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, there are Starbucks like waning at 200 fluid ounces, a caramel macchiato.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: For Jerry.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody else drive trucks?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I like how somebody flat out said no for everybody.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now we make money here in Columbus.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: We get that money.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel broke now.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I got my CDL so I could work at FedEx.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's a savage.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Me working at FedEx is the funniest shit you heard.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: When I got the job at FedEx, it taught me an important lesson in life.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is about perspective.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Perspective is everything.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Before I got the job at FedEx, I hated FedEx.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: They always left my shit downstairs saying, I'm sorry we missed you, sir, you wasn't home.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was home all day waiting for that package.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I live in an apartment building.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: They're just lazy.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to come up them stairs.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got the job at FedEx, and that's when perspective hit me.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going upstairs either.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Walk a mile in each other's shoes.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I take mushrooms, I like thinking about other people.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I showed up that first day, I saw 1,243 packages.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know all these people.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I checked every box, everybody lives on the sixth floor.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not one person lives on the third floor at least.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: By the 10th person, I started bargaining with people on the intercom.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll ring your doorbell, FedEx, they'd be like, yo, 6B.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yo.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Meet me at 3B at least.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Meet me halfway.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Craziest thing about FedEx, I was working for FedEx right before the pandemic.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what happened here in Columbus.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: In New York, people started looting.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: People started robbing shit.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: They tried to loot my FedEx truck.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: They pulled me over, they're like, we don't want to hurt you.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: We just want the truck.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I was upset.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, why do you want to die for other people's property?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's not about that.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to rob me at 7 p.m.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna rob me after I work the whole day, that's fucked up.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Come back tomorrow at 7 in the morning, you gotta have the whole truck.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like Grand Larson here.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a crazy ass crap.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: From time to time, I look for part-time jobs while I do comedy for health insurance reasons.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I can't take it no more.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I got no insurance.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be going to the urgent care.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody here go to the urgent care?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's no urgency and there's no care in that shit.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Should call that place slowly disregarded.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Be sitting there for hours like, yo, I'm dying.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all don't want to help me out.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I go, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I go to the urgent care.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I finally get to see the doctor after an hour of waiting.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know what's fucked up?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: They do all these different uh tests on me.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: The doctor comes back, he goes, yo, so the way your insurance is set up, it covers the tests.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But it don't cover the results.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: What does that even mean?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: It means I know what's wrong with you, but I can't tell you.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to figure that shit out.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think the best time I ever had in my life was during the pandemic for that unemployment money.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone else?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, just one other person.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: That was the most money I've ever made in my life, hands down.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: They were giving me$900 every week for two years.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I never made that shit at none of my jobs.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Every week, if you never file for unemployment, you gotta answer questions to get that money.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Every week, those questions get harder and harder.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: One week, simple yes or no questions.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: By the third week, math problems.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Would you say you earned$500 divided by$3 squared?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't be unemployed if I could solve that shit.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: It took me the whole pandemic to realize NA means not applicable.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: That whole time I thought that shit meant nah.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever turned a work?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Nah.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hey you guys are great.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Keep supporting, don't tell clapping up for your hoes, thank you.